First line about the weather - sort of?

Girlsgottawrite · Oct 26, 2017

I know starting a book talking about the weather is frowned upon. I've heard this a bit lately, and now I'm concerned. My MS starts with a girl standing at the bow of a ship (being hit with icy spray and wind) contemplating suicide. It's not weather, but I'm afraid some may see it that way. This is my first paragraph:

The salty spray danced through the air, showering Hana’s skin with icy pellets that bit and burned in tandem. Shards clung to her lashes and brow while her normally soft, black hair cracked about her face like a whip. The wind howled high-pitched and angry, masking all sound except the thumping of the ship’s paddle-wheel against the freezing water.

Does this sound too much like weather? Is it something that might hurt my chances?

I always thought it was a strong opening, but now I'm not so sure. I'd appreciate any help you could give.
Courtney

Felix · Oct 26, 2017

I'm not an agent and I'm only querying my first book but as a reader...

Your writing is good. I like your sentences. But...

If you were to move your character front and center, so you didn't have three sentences about the weather before you get to her, it might help. That weather is building a good scene but I'm three sentences in and I still don't know who it's for.

Why is she clinging to the front of that boat? Why is she out there in this? She and her anguish are a package deal. Throw them out front and THEN give me the weather and I'll want to read more.

Aside: There's something kind of compelling about a woman clinging to the ropes at the side of a boat, sliding one foot at a time along the ice, holding her breath and hoping she doesn't fall... while on her way to the bow so she can jump.

Kerosene · Oct 26, 2017

The thing is, it is about the weather. No part of that speaks of anything besides the weather and two points of her hair and a ship. If you intend to make it more than that (or bring it up after) or your metaphor isn't working as you wish, I'd suggest changing it.

"The storm's winds threatened to pull Mary over the ship's railing into the turbulent ocean below as much as she wished to throw herself over. But she was planted on the deck, icy pellets of hail snapping at her..."

That's something I'd snap up.

CaoPaux · Oct 26, 2017

When you have the 50 requisite posts, you may post your work in the appropriate SYW forum for critique (password: vista). In the meantime, read the stickies and crit other folks' work to get a feel for the process.

First line about the weather - sort of?

Girlsgottawrite

I write at work...

Felix

Kerosene

Your Pixie Queen

CaoPaux

Mostly Harmless