Weather and stabbing forecast at the office today

I prefer to imagine people stuck at the office late, then coming out to the parking lot to discover their car has two flat tires, their cell phone is dead, and they've misplaced their card key and can't get back into the building to call AAA.

Drenched in honey and rolled in bees?
House foundation cracked?
Olive Garden spaghetti served cold?
Seated in coach on United one row in front of three children under the age of nine, all of whom have been drinking cappuccino?
Stuck at the dentist's office with one of those sucking things stuck under the tongue while a muzak version of "Don't Stop Believing" plays on a loop?

But stabby-stabby ends with jaily-jaily and we'd miss our... *squints at avatar* fish? Fish. Thing.

I'm going for the not-having-to-find-a-babysitter-so-I-can-bail-you-out version.

Partner leaves them for someone younger and better looking?
Partner leaves them for no one, because they've finally realized they're better off without a loser in their life?
Stubs their second toe so hard the toenail falls off and they can't wear shoes for two months?
Gets a sudden, timeless picture of every single misstep and failure of their lives, and is forced to stare at it and absorb it over the space of three solid days, knowing they can change neither the past nor the future?

Best served cold, man.

I understand. There might be thunderstabbing here.

Introversion said:

Hey man, I'm writing this here crime scene! They all get stabbed, and our hero retires to a full and self-satisfied life, The End.

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Insufficient suffering. You need to emotionally scar them, and then gloat.

Like they get their identities stolen and someone runs up all their credit cards and wrecks their credit rating, and they're so arrogant in front of the judge nobody believes they didn't do it themselves, so they have to go work for one of those places that cold-calls seniors pretending to be the IRS cops.

Introversion said:

Or an F-5 stabnado.

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Luckily it's not bladicane season yet.

Introversion said:

I'm going to emotionally scar them right in the groin, and then gloat.

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Fine. FINE.

But can they also have a lifetime of abject failure and misery?

Introversion said:

A very short one, bleeding out on cold cold linoleum under harsh, flickery, buzzy fluorescents, yes.

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Can you stare into their eyes and say "You know what you did" at the same time?

Introversion said:

If by "eyes" you mean their stabbed-out eye-holes, then yes, yes I can.

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Continuity flag. You were talking about groin-stabbing. Now there are empty eye-holes and this is a whole different genre of story.

Introversion said:

So I've got bad aim. Meanwhile, you're nitpicking the guy with a bloody knife.

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Look, man, I'm just saying, if you're going to start stabbing indiscriminately, you're better off loosening your genre restrictions. You can pull off groin eyeballs, but you have to be careful or you'll find yourself in a 1950s sci-fi movie starring Peter Graves.

Introversion said:

Hey man, I'm writing this here crime scene! They all get stabbed, and our hero retires to a full and self-satisfied life, The End.

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Gut 'em like a fish.

He sighs. I hate man-sighs. Men don’t know how to do it right. It comes across as petulant—at best. Worst? You want to murder them, with a knife, to the chest.

See the still-beating heart that made the annoying sigh possible.​

Remove it, see its last beat.
​

Rip off a taste with your teeth. Swallow it and try not to gag like all the other times you tried not gagging on their load.
​

Consider the heart would taste better if pan-seared, with garlic, and onions, and green peppers…
​

…and served to the dog because it’s gross no matter what you do to it.
​

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Introversion said:

Sunny, light winds, high of 65F.

30% chance of late afternoon stabbings.

--Introversion, feeling particularly stabby today at work...

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I'd say your forecast is a tad low. Only 30% chance? Nah. Go the whole hog and have a knock-down, drag-out, no-holds-barred stabathon. Eliminate survivors - they only give garbled inculpatory accounts anyway.

Introversion said:

...under harsh, flickery, buzzy fluorescents...

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Can I watch? I'll be very quiet.