So, what does it mean if you won't wear a wedding ring?

Perks · Feb 10, 2017

My twentieth wedding anniversary is coming up in a couple of months. For most of those twenty years, I have not worn a wedding ring, for a very simple reason: I don't wear any jewelry.

I'm weird about jewelry. I love to look at it. I'm a magpie. I covet it. And for years, I tried to make myself wear it. But I can't. Not comfortably anyway. Other people put on a watch or their rings or earrings, necklaces, bracelets, whathaveyou, and quickly lose the sensation of the weight, swing, and rattle of it. Not so, me. I can always feel it and I find it distracting and uncomfortable, as much as I enjoy the sparkle and color.

I wear my wedding band at professional events, but that's pretty much it. If I don't have it on and I end up in a conversation with a man who wouldn't know I was married, I'll bring my family into an anecdote quickly, just so we can all be ourselves and know where we stand at the outset.

So far, it's worked pretty well. Except for the dozen or so times, over the years (most recently, two days ago) that I've been scolded - mostly by strangers to me, men, but also women - that it's "unfair" of me not to wear my ring. They say that it's a cultural norm and I'm essentially setting men up for embarrassment by not conforming.

Completely separate from the issue of whether or not it's appropriate for strangers to give irritable advice to a grown woman (hint: it's not) I'm actually entertaining the content of the complaint. Seriously. Tell me true, with no worry of judgement. Is it inconsiderate of me not to wear the ring, taking into account the social norms and the relative freedom we enjoy to approach people in hope and interest? Would sauce for the goose be sauce for the gander in this way as well? I suspect that men might get even a different type of judgement for not wearing a ring. For me, it seems the accusation is that I'm happy enough to embarrass someone who might express interest, but if a man doesn't wear a ring, it seems that he might already be halfway convicted of adultery.

(And I should say, my husband doesn't care at all.)

ETA - (There's a more thorough explanation of what prompted this question in post #16) and I'm adding in a response from a couple of posts down, for clarity. I'm not talking about ways to avoid getting bothered by assholes. This is a sincere musing on social etiquette, and the ways we go out of our way - even slightly - for the comfort of others. I'm trying to see if this is one of those things.

I'm not talking about creepers. They will do what they will do. I'm not concerned with their feelings.

I'm just trying to decide if there's any merit to the complaint that it's a passively unkind thing to nice people who are being brave and putting themselves in a vulnerable position - men who actually wouldn't hit on a married woman.

Maggie Maxwell · Feb 10, 2017

My husband doesn't wear his ring half the time cause he's afraid of losing it. I don't give two flying figs what other people think or if girls (or men) might hit on him because there's no ring on his finger. Our rings are between us and no one has any right to dictate what we should or shouldn't do with them. People who work machinery-heavy jobs don't wear their rings regularly because of their jobs. People forget to wear rings (self included). And a ring sure as hell isn't going to stop every creeper who wants to hit on you. If your husband doesn't care, and you don't like wearing it, then everyone else can step off.

tjwriter · Feb 10, 2017

I lost my wedding band not long after having our third child because it became loose after the pregnancy and I was an idiot. That was six years ago. I'll wear my engagement ring sometimes for special occasions, but I am not big on jewelry overall, either, so it makes no difference to me. I've never been scolded, but I have a feeling I don't fit into the box that makes the type of people who would scold look twice at me. I always talk about my family as well early in conversations.

I really just decided to stop caring what people think. At some point I want a new band, but even that doesn't guarantee I will wear it all the time.

Perks · Feb 10, 2017

Maggie Maxwell said:
And a ring sure as hell isn't going to stop every creeper who wants to hit on you.

I'm not talking about creepers. They will do what they will do. I'm not concerned with their feelings.

I'm just trying to decide if there's any merit to the complaint that it's a passively unkind thing to nice people who are being brave and putting themselves in a vulnerable position - men who actually wouldn't hit on a married woman.

KTC · Feb 10, 2017

I think this is a very personal thing and nobody has the right to judge others for it.

I got my partner and I matching rings while I was walking the Camino de Santiago. My good friend that I walked with helped me to pick them out. They are silver with the scalloped shell going all away around the band. My friend has since died of cancer. When I felt it was too ridiculous to buy us matching rings because we had only known each other for two months when I went on my walk, my friend called bullshit. She said, "When you know you know." She was right, of course. She was filled with wisdom. She was my Camino. We are about to reach our 3 year anniversary...and sometimes when we're out together I look over at the ring on his finger and I see the whole world in it. I see my lost friend choosing the exact ring she imagined us both wearing into the future together. I see the backpacks that were breaking our backs at the jewelry store's entrance, piled up with the backpacks of our fellow peregrinos. I see the man who was back home wondering if our new relationship could last with such a long separation at its beginning. I see my friend grabbing my phone out of my hand and saying, "What the hell do you mean you're a size 7!? That's impossible. Are you a fucking doll?" when I had to call him to ask for his ring size because my friend wouldn't believe the email was correct. She almost wouldn't allow me to buy the ring for him, because she said, 'It's not like we can walk back to Spain to upsize it!" And I see our future...our now. Nothing makes me happier than seeing that ring on his finger.

BUT he doesn't feel anything one way or the other about the ring. His commitment is in the heart. He doesn't need a ring. But he wears it because he knows it carries the universe.

That's our ring story. We both wear one.

BUT I firmly believe nobody should be judged for wearing or not wearing a ring. Some people just don't see importance in them...who is anyone else to judge that?

Sorry...I blab on so...

Maggie Maxwell · Feb 10, 2017

I'm still going to say no. It's unfortunate for them, but it's not like you're actively teasing or flirting with them then going "Sorry, I'm married."

Devil Ledbetter · Feb 10, 2017

Nobody owes anyone a "lack of availability" signal. Not even gorgeous southern gals with succulent dimples.

tjwriter · Feb 10, 2017

Perks said:
I'm not talking about creepers. They will do what they will do. I'm not concerned with their feelings.

I'm just trying to decide if there's any merit to the complaint that it's a passively unkind thing to nice people who are being brave and putting themselves in a vulnerable position - men who actually wouldn't hit on a married woman.

I suspect the people who feel like they've been deceived by a lack of a wedding band are the same folks who feel entitled to your time & attention because they blessed you with some of theirs.

There are plenty of people who wouldn't wear a wedding band who aren't on the market for various reasons. That's a poor indicator to begin with.

Ari Meermans · Feb 10, 2017

What everyone else said. My husband never takes his off, I almost never wear mine. The only difference is, after 36 years, his ring looks worn and mine looks like it just came out of the box.

It's no one else's business, Perks. People who feel the need to scold someone for what they perceive as some sort of infraction need to get a life of their own.

JimmyB27 · Feb 10, 2017

Being married is only one of a plethora of reasons you might not be interested in being hit on. There's no ring for being a lesbian, or being in a committed relationship without being married, or for being aromantic/asexual, etc, etc. You are being just as inconsiderate as anyone who is not interested for any of those reasons, which is to say, not at all inconsiderate.

Marissa D · Feb 10, 2017

That was lovely, KTC.

"I'm essentially setting men up for embarrassment by not conforming."

Well, too f*ckin' bad, men--grow up already. Honestly, this has me sputtering a little. You don't owe it to anyone to wear a ring if you don't wish to, just for their convenience and being spared potential embarrassment.
<wanders off, grumbling>

lilyWhite · Feb 10, 2017

Having been in this sort of situation myself—I was wearing my wedding ring, but the guy didn't see it (or know I'm not into guys)—I'm inclined to think "nice people" wouldn't hold it against you if they were interested before finding out you're already married.

(Heck, said guy is now a good friend. :greenie

)

ap123 · Feb 10, 2017

No, I don't believe there's any societal obligation. I wore mine daily for years, after an injury where I had to remove it, I just never put it back on. Husband wears his sporadically.

If you aren't offended by someone hitting on you, and you aren't cruising singles bars to then get in a huff bc someone does hit on you, I don't see the problem. Plenty of people are single by choice, they shouldn't have to put on a "fake" ring to politely say they aren't interested.

Just my .02, and I'm kinda past the point in life where people hitting on me would be a regular occurrence, ring or no ring.

Perks · Feb 10, 2017

ap123 said:
I'm kinda past the point in life where people hitting on me would be a regular occurrence, ring or no ring.

Yeah, I strongly suspect that I'm almost out of need to think about this in anything more than philosophical terms, too. : )

Myrealana · Feb 10, 2017

Perks said:
I'm not talking about creepers. They will do what they will do. I'm not concerned with their feelings.

I'm just trying to decide if there's any merit to the complaint that it's a passively unkind thing to nice people who are being brave and putting themselves in a vulnerable position - men who actually wouldn't hit on a married woman.

Uh.

No.

Full disclosure - I have been married almost 17 years, and only wore my wedding ring for the first two.

You don't owe anyone an overt "I'm not available" signal. Being out in the world is not automatic permission for people to hit on you, regardless of gender.

So, what if you weren't married, but were in a committed, non-married relationship? What about the "nice people" who hit on you then? Are you being unkind by not starting out with "by the way, men, I've got a boyfriend."

Nope. Nope. Nope. It's ridiculous and and actually nice person who made the mistake of hitting on a married woman would not be upset by the confusion any more than an actually nice guy who hit on someone with a boyfriend. He would say "Oh, OK," and go on with his life.

Perks · Feb 10, 2017

I think this thread is not going to go the way I'd intended. (My fault for not being clear.) I'm not as much concerned with anyone who would react negatively, but something that happened two days ago made me look at it another way. It was a terribly nice man, who ended up feeling mortified. He was sweet and charming (in a braving-his-nerves kind of way) and there was absolutely nothing wrong with the way he attempted to spark a conversation. It was in the grocery store, so he struck up courage and,in a rush, mentioned that he noticed I wasn't wearing a ring and...

When I explained that I was married, he was very kind, but very embarrassed. His reaction seemed to pile on in quick waves and as I was walking away, he said, "I'm sorry. You were just trying to do your shopping. I shouldn't have been so forward." He was totally nice and I felt bad for his embarrassment at being brave. I wouldn't want him to not feel brave enough to be that vulnerable to someone who might be able to take him up on it.

It just felt lousy.

When I told the story later, I was kindly-scolded (this time by a friend) that I really should wear my ring, that it wasn't nice to put people in that position who might have trouble with courage anyway.

It made me wonder.

clek25 · Feb 10, 2017

Do you want to wear it? No.
Does your husband care whether or not you wear it? No.
Does it matter one iota if people think this is unacceptable? No.

You answered your own question. People need to mind their own business.

Also, it's not your job to sacrifice what you want to spare the feelings of other people, especially complete strangers. You're not intentionally hurting anyone.

Marissa D · Feb 10, 2017

Nope, doesn't change my opinion. This is not something you owe anyone.

But it does sound like fodder for a story.

lilyWhite · Feb 10, 2017

Any time someone attempts to express interest in a relationship, there's always the possibility that the other person is uninterested for whatever reason. They might be married, might not be interested in a relationship, might be incompatible sexuality, whatever. The reason for it might make the person expressing interest feel embarrassed over it, but it's not the fault of the other person that there is a reason they weren't aware of for why the other person wouldn't be interested.

I don't think I give off any obvious "lesbian" vibes from my appearance, and I certainly wouldn't feel guilty in any way if a guy didn't realize and felt bad about not knowing if he wasn't a jerk about it.

KTC · Feb 10, 2017

Perks said:
I think this thread is not going to go the way I'd intended. (My fault for not being clear.) I'm not as much concerned with anyone who would react negatively, but something that happened two days ago made me look at it another way. It was a terribly nice man, who ended up feeling mortified. He was sweet and charming (in a braving-his-nerves kind of way) and there was absolutely nothing wrong with the way he attempted to spark a conversation. It was in the grocery store, so he struck up courage and,in a rush, mentioned that he noticed I wasn't wearing a ring and...

When I explained that I was married, he was very kind, but very embarrassed. His reaction seemed to pile on in quick waves and as I was walking away, he said, "I'm sorry. You were just trying to do your shopping. I shouldn't have been so forward." He was totally nice and I felt bad for his embarrassment at being brave. I wouldn't want him to not feel brave enough to be that vulnerable to someone who might be able to take him up on it.

It just felt lousy.

When I told the story later, I was kindly-scolded (this time by a friend) that I really should wear my ring, that it wasn't nice to put people in that position who might have trouble with courage anyway.

It made me wonder.

Gotcha now. My therapist would have a field day with this. Not because you're crazy (deep breaths! (-; ) She would be firm. She would understand what it is you're saying...say maybe that she feels for the man and his emotions at the time that it happened. But she would say that ultimately you're not here to shape the emotions of all the people around you. You're not here to comfort them and make their journey more free of obstacles like this. She would say that you should consider yourself first. Do what makes you feel comfortable. You are not responsible for the way others react to that. You can feel bad for them if the situation gave them discomfort, but ultimately it is not your responsibility to help them avoid such discomforts. Your body, your ring. His presumption. She's big on debunking my responsibility in other people's presumptions of who and what I am.

tjwriter · Feb 10, 2017

But if you were in a committed relationship but not married, the same thing could have happened, and there would be no wedding band involved, so I am little confused why it should make the difference.

Maryn · Feb 10, 2017

I agree with whoever it was upthread who said women (and men) do not owe the public a visible sign of unavailability.

Mr. Maryn, a jewelry hater (other than a watch, which he sleeps in), wore his wedding ring for about three weeks. I wore mine for a few years, but after the first baby it didn't fit, so I wore his. Now that one doesn't fit either. And it's cool. Once in a great while some older gentleman will express interest, and I'm just friendly while inserting a long-and-happy marriage into the conversation.

Maryn, who finds one older gentleman sufficient

KTC · Feb 10, 2017

tjwriter said:
But if you were in a committed relationship but not married, the same thing could have happened, and there would be no wedding band involved, so I am little confused why it should make the difference.

An extremely excellent point.

Perks · Feb 10, 2017

tjwriter said:
But if you were in a committed relationship but not married, the same thing could have happened, and there would be no wedding band involved, so I am little confused why it should make the difference.

I'm not sure that it should. In fact, it probably shouldn't. I realize I'm not especially obligated to anyone else's comfort.

That particular interaction just sort of pulled on my empathy-bone. For some reason, he was just so dissected in the middle of the frozen foods, that I very much could feel what he felt in the moment and wished I'd had the ring on to have spared him that embarrassment. All over his face was the look of every time I ever staved off stage-fright and did something I was afraid to do. It was just a strange exchange.

I rather suspect that he didn't go off and kill himself. : ) I'm sure he's fine. The loss of me has never been fatal. Lol!

Grayson Moon · Feb 10, 2017

Whether or not you wear your wedding ring is a personal choice. Deciding not to wear it shouldn't affect anyone else. If I wore a friend's Patriots jersey for a day on a bet (a lost bet) and ran into an actual Patriots fan, there would be no hard feelings in telling them that I'm not interested in reminiscing about that incredible comeback. And honestly, there are plenty of people who aren't married and not looking for a relationship. They have to turn away people and somehow handle the guilt (joking here). There aren't any rings for unavailable single people.

As a side note: Do complete strangers care that much about our personal lives? I'd understand if it were that nosy neighbor always lurking in the driveway, waiting to jump you and ask how you're handling the death of your dog, but wedding rings are a pretty personal subject.

So, what does it mean if you won't wear a wedding ring?

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