Lovesick

Honestly, I think the best way to help would be to remain positive. The more sad looks you share, the more emphasis and seriousness you add to--as you put it--a phase. These are the bumps that shape a child and if you believe that it's not a horrible, bad thing, then she will pick up on your feeling towards it and (hopefully) let it go easier. I know the first impulse is to get out the tissues and share a cry, which is fine, but you'll do more help by sharing less conversation (and attention) on the breakup, and doing more activities that will help her see there's more to focus on, be excited about, and live for. Take her to a dance class, start a workout routine together, or do something routinely with her. I think it will make you more available to her in the long run than conversation would. Just my .2, since you asked.

I wouldn't worry at all about perspective. At her age, her brain can't really project her Self into the future. And you don't want to come off as minimizing her experience and feelings.

Be with her right where she is Right Now. This is one of those great times for a parent to be Silently Present. Invite her to do a project with you...which shows that Life Goes On (and can even be distracting), but also that you are In It Together.

Let time do the work while you do the love.

Which makes you neither a bad parent or a bad person. =))

This passage now really is the toll gate to your road of an adult friendship.

If you do any DIY home or car chores - include her in these processes.

Decide that it's time to switch out all the sink faucets. Take her to the hardware store, discuss and choose the relevant bits, then show her how this straightforward job goes.

Show her that she is valuable and capable. This impresses on her that when the chips are down, you don't wax rhetorical. You show up. When this grief subsides, she'll have a better chance of finding another, better match.

And yes, she should know that you advocate rubbers.

Thanks for the Good Cry.

It's hard to watch when your wee ones fall down. You'll do fine.

Sat Nam! (literally "Truth Name"--a Sikh greeting)

Have you shared your story with her? My Mom did that with me. Sorry to contradict the person upstream who said kids can't project themselves into the future, but I could and did. Helped me see that anything in high school wasn't likely to last.

Blessings,

Siri Kirpal

Maze Runner said:

You're kidding, right? I hope I didn't make you cry. It is, it's one of the hardest things I've ever experienced. There's no pain like that of watching your kid in pain.

Ha, the funny thing is, most do just fine. They survive all this stuff and come out the other side. Makes me wonder if my parents' school of parenting wasn't wiser than I gave credit for.

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I had rather atrocious parents. tldr

And I quite enjoy watching Good Parents. They don't make things look Easy, they make things look True. Men who sincerely value their family members break me up. In a hopeful way. =))

There's always a dynamic balance in play. When kids are young, they need more boundary, more direction, more supervision, more external control. No one tells you that you will have to feel your way along through the Less years. You sensed it. *scores you all the points*

Siri Kirpal said:

...to contradict the person upstream who said kids can't project themselves into the future, but I could and did. ...

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With respect, it would seem that someone guided you into that process from outside. Adolescents really don't have the brain development to reliably engage in this way as a rule.

Some of the relevant science:

From the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychology

From Nature Neuroscience Journal

Good lay summary here.

No child or teen wants to hear about phases. And it can be very gloomy to hear that this is one in a long line of heartbreaks. The best way I have found to describe it is a version of the 'kiss a lot of toads' line. I used to tell the teens I was working with that they were in a time in their life where they are learning everything. Part of that learning is learning how to be in a relationship. Most young relationships don't work out, because people are still figuring out dating, and what they need and want out of relationships, and how to have a relationship in the first place. It's like practice, and it builds up a wealth of information on what one truly wants in a relationship. It's also important to stress that the entire process is normal, that everyone has relationships that don't work out.

Of course, the time for this discussion is not in the middle of heartbreak. That's when we want our loved ones to hold us, and tell us everything will be all right, and that the ex was a complete poopy head.

It's easy as a parent to get caught up in wanting to spare our children pain. It's important to remember that pain is part of growth, just as happiness or any other feeling. I would love to snap my fingers and make my children no longer hurt, but knowing pain is what helps us to relate and have empathy for others in pain. It's important for her to go through it and for you to let her. I agree with what's being said--just be there for her. Let her talk to you, cry to you, etc. My only advice is to help her try to stay busy.

I went through a very painful divorce and found that once I no longer had my marriage to think about, there was so much room in my brain, it was easy to fill it with thoughts of loss and loneliness. It's a process, but she'll need to start filling those pieces of time when she'd be with him or thinking about him, with other things and you can help her with that. If possible, keep her busy. What things is she interested in? Activities? Maybe tapping into her talents and interests, helping her find other things to do and think about, would be the best way to help. And then, stand back, mama, and just let her grieve.

A bit unrelated, but when my sister died, everyone kept telling my mom not to be sad, that things would be okay, that she'd forget the pain soon. That made things worse. My mom didn't want to forget, and she didn't feel okay. A therapist told my mother that she had a right to mourn, a right to be sad, and a right to heal at her own pace. I realize that a first-love break up isn't the same thing, but the principle is. Let your daughter know it's okay to feel bad and to hurt. It's normal to be in pain right now. And although I'm sure you want to tell her that the pain fill fade, she may not want to hear it and may not believe it. Better to tell her that what she feels is okay, that she has a right to be sad and to feel loss, but that she should try not to dwell on it. Then help her get her brain focused on other things.

Good luck, Maze. Sounds like you're a great mom. Right now, just be a shoulder to cry on when she needs it.

SWest said:

With respect, it would seem that someone guided you into that process from outside. Adolescents really don't have the brain development to reliably engage in this way as a rule.

.

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Sat Nam! (literally "Truth Name"--a Sikh greeting)

My bold.

I believe it was Mark Twain who said, "There's lies; there's damn lies; and there's statistics."

Normal has never been my style.

Blessings,

Siri Kirpal

Sat Nam! (Literally "Truth Name"--a Sikh greeting)

Maze Runner, that's good. If she knows it happened to you, and you turned out okay, she'll probably be fine.

Blessings,

Siri Kirpal

Maze Runner said:

Or, just wiggle your nose! Thanks for the generous reply, it is much appreciated.

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Man, I wish that worked!

Well, when I was teen and my heart was broken I drowned it in sad songs, tears, and found comfort in my friends. At that age, it seemed that friends made everything better. I didn't have many but I did have a few close ones who comforted me and seemed to know exactly what I needed to hear to feel better.

I currently have 3 teenagers at home. Broken hearts so far haven't been too big an issue right now but it happens to all of us. I sympathize with you having to watch her go through this.