Party Etiquette: Subtle peace offering or red flag?

Tazlima

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I'm not particularly good at interpreting people's behavior, so I'm looking for help analyzing an awkward situation.

Background: I've been seeing this guy, let's call him Alec, for a couple weeks. Some friends of mine are having a party, and I got the green light from them to bring Alec as my guest. I've met tons of his friends, but this will be the first time he meets mine.

Alec and I work completely opposite schedules, so he's basically up all night, every night. He appears to be making a point of telling me what he's does after work, presumably so I won't think he's occupying himself with hookers and blow (He works in that part of town, so both are readily available). I didn't ask him to, for lack of a better word, report in, but I do appreciate that he recognizes it as a potential source of insecurity, especially as I'm fresh out of a relationship where my ex WAS, in fact, cheating on me.

So last night he went out after work and apparently made a new friend (He's one of those people who makes friends everywhere he goes, which is one of the things I love about him). They hung out all night, and here's where things took an awkward turn.

He asked if he could bring this super-awesome dude, whom he just met last night, along with us to my friends' party.

So, there are a few ways to interpret this:

1) He thinks its THAT kind of party, where any and all comers are welcome. I didn't really clarify which type of party this was beyond "costume party" (It's actually a relatively intimate gathering of their good friends).

2) He knows I'll probably say no, and this is his way of subtly telling me, "I was out all night, but I'm not hiding who I was with."

3) He's just that friendly and outgoing.

4) He's just that socially clueless

5) He's high.

6) He's probing to see how I'll respond (after all, it's a new relationship for him, too).

7) He's nervous about meeting my friends and wants someone "in his corner" so to speak.

8) Other?

After typing this out, I'm definitely going to say "no." If it were my party, it would be a totally different situation, but I'm 100% not comfortable with inviting someone I've never even met into someone else's home. Heck, I'm paranoid about inviting people into MY home. A bad experience years ago has given me a permanent tendancy to hide where I live (long story). I'm guessing Alec will be cool with that answer. I'm just trying to figure out what it says about him/us that he suggested it in the first place.
 
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Tazlima

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Lol, that's probably it. I tend to overthink everything. :tongue
 
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KTC

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You don't have the authority to say yes, so that would be your out. It's not your party, so you don't manage the guest list. You said it yourself...you got the greenlight for him. So, obviously you didn't feel comfortable just bringing him along. I would just say, "Sorry, but it's not my place. No."
 

Myrealana

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I generally try not to over-analyze what I think someone's motivations might be. That way lies madness.

I would just tell him he can't bring his new friend and deal with whatever reaction that may engender as it arises. Stick with your instincts and his motivations and values will become clear enough in time.
 

Tazlima

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I generally try not to over-analyze what I think someone's motivations might be. That way lies madness.

I would just tell him he can't bring his new friend and deal with whatever reaction that may engender as it arises. Stick with your instincts and his motivations and values will become clear enough in time.

Lol. I need to take a deep breath and chiiill. This is spot on.

Thanks everybody. You all made awesome points.
 

Underdawg47

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This would be a red flag for me, especially after only dating for two weeks. I see it as a red flag because by bringing this stranger along, he seems to be consciously or unconsciously intending to block intimacy between you and him. It will make it difficult for you to ask your new BF to talk intimately during and after this first encounter with your close friends. You hardly have had time to establish trust between yourself and your BF and by dragging along a complete stranger that you have not yet met seems rather awkward.
 

Lillian_Blaire

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Let me get this straight. He works in a bad area but goes out at night and meets a new friend, then hangs out with him all night (Wait, isn't he working? I'm confused). Then, already wants to bring him along?

Red flag.

I'm not sure what it's a red flag of, exactly, but it's weird to me.

I agree with Myrea not to over-analyze it. Just keep it tucked into the back of your mind because things might start to add up. You never know. But after some bad experiences, I've learned we need to trust our intuition a little better. Obviously something seems little off or you wouldn't have mentioned it here, right? So, just store that way until you get a better picture, but don't ignore it. We have our spidey-senses for a reason (to protect us).

Good luck. :)
 

Siri Kirpal

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I wouldn't worry about it. You say he's sociable and friendly. I would assume that's all this is. Plus him not knowing it wasn't a bring your own guest sort of party.

But no, you shouldn't let him bring the new friend along with you. A) It's gatecrashing someone else's party. B) It's your guy's chance to meet your friends, and having someone else to talk to won't help him do that.

Blessings,

Siri Kirpal
 

Tazlima

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Let me get this straight. He works in a bad area but goes out at night and meets a new friend, then hangs out with him all night (Wait, isn't he working? I'm confused).

Lol, I should have clarified. He gets off work between 2:00-3:00 AM, so staying out until 7:00 AM for him is basically the equivalent of my staying out until 8:00 - 9:00 PM. (he met the new friend after work). I had a similar job years ago and kept those sort of hours myself.

I think what bothered me, and the reason I posted this thread, is that I would never even think to invite someone to a party where I was already the guest of a guest, so I thought "why on earth would he think this was okay?" But I'm also overly-introverted at times and unaccustomed to the strange ways of the social butterfly. We were out the other night, and one of his buddies was too drunk to drive, so Alec handed him the keys to his apartment and was like, "Go crash at my place and sleep it off." It was really very sweet.

In the same situation, I would have offered a ride home, but if, for whatever reason, that wasn't doable, it would probably never even have occurred to me to just say, "My house. Let yourself in." I strongly suspect he's a better person than I am.

Also, he was absolutely fine with the "no," so that's a good sign.
 
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Lillian_Blaire

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I wouldn't say he's a better person than you. I'd say he's a less-cautious person and neither way is better or worse, I suppose. Though I tend to err on the side of caution. I guess as long as his social behavior doesn't bother you, then it's okay.

I was married many years ago to a man who lets his friend "stay a few days". Two days after the guy came to stay, his girlfriend arrived. Two months after that, I told my ex either they went or I did and he refused to ask them to leave. So, to me it's not a matter or being a better person as much as being a different kind of person and you have to ask yourself, if things were to progress with this guy, could you tolerate this behavior? If not, it's a red flag. If you're okay with it, then it's no flag at all.

I'm glad he was fine with your "no". :)
 

Tazlima

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I was married many years ago to a man who lets his friend "stay a few days". Two days after the guy came to stay, his girlfriend arrived. Two months after that, I told my ex either they went or I did and he refused to ask them to leave. So, to me it's not a matter or being a better person as much as being a different kind of person and you have to ask yourself, if things were to progress with this guy, could you tolerate this behavior? If not, it's a red flag. If you're okay with it, then it's no flag at all.

Oh man, that sounds terrible. I get helping out a friend, but it sounds like they stepped way over the line from "accepting help" to "taking advantage."