Home for the Holidays OR Insane House Rules

The holidays are drawing to a close and, all in all, it has been more than nice having my daughters under my roof again BUT there has been friction because they cannot remember or respect certain rules of my house. For example switching up on the Vinegars--Tarragon and Balsamic for culinary use; White for household jobs. We do not use the 6$ vinegar to clean the dishwasher. OR The poinsettia sits at the head of the breakfast table because it needs morning sun and I don't care if it is toxic. If your kid is dumb enough to munch poinsettia leaves instead of Grammy's good oatmeal, then so be it!

Ours is not the only household experiencing holiday friction. A couple of friends had us all in stitches, telling about their 80- something parents looney but iron bound rules. They and several siblings, cousins, grandkids are staying on a farm with the parents. The parents are resigned to the fact that their isolated farmhouse is not the entertainment capitol of the county--even if they do have cable. Naturally the young ones are going to drive 30-40 miles on dark country roads, to visit the real hubs of the county. Bright lights and big city ways in towns like St. John and Pratt beckon to the rural youngsters. The parent's only rule is that the last person in the house must turn out the yard light--a big, electric light on a pole by the house. That way Mom and Dad will know when all the kids are home so they can stop pacing the floor and sleep.

Anyway, my friends, a couple in their fifties with grandkids, a house in a bona fide big city, jobs and all the fixings of adult society, went out for a Christmas Party at a modern day saloon in the wild and wooly metropolis of Pratt Kansas. (if you ever find yourself in Pratt, Kansas, Legends is the place to go for bright lights and a citified atmosphere.) Somehow my friends forgot to switch off the yard light when they came in at 3 a.m. This over sight triggered a frantic 5 a.m. bed search, a who dunit interrogation and a breakfast lecture from pale, shaken parents. Like they were in high school again. Their father kept saying "You know how your mother worries." Their mother sighed "Your father is not strong, you know. I doubt his heart can take another night like last night."

Their story brought to mind one of my father's insane rules: No tube of toothpaste shall be thrown away whole. No kidding. When the tube was completely flat, the bottom had to be snipped off and the toothbrush inserted into the backass end of the tube to scrape whatever toothpaste was leftover. I still remember the look on my new husband's face, first Christmas vacation he spent at my house. Poor fool discarded a perfectly good tube just because it was flat and caught the lecture! Dad wasn't angry, he only wanted Gill to see the error of his wasteful ways.

Then there was my husband's father's wacko rules in his home, clear across the country in New York. Like--Hard soled shoes must always be worn in the bathroom. Nope, slippers wouldn't cut it. Not KEDS either. Why? because the bathroom door had only rusty tacks instead of a threshold. My husband's dad put in a new floor back in the mid sixties but kept forgetting to install the top of the threshold until it was hopelessly lost and too much trouble to replace. Nothing like stepping on a row of rusty tacks first thing in the morning and then having the whole family sigh wearily and say "Did you forget your shoes?"

Insane house rules anyone? --s6

We had the candy cane rule too! But that was because we made peppermint stick ice cream on New Year's and we needed max candy canes. Counting the candy canes? That's insane! The private ice cream is flabbergasting but not incredible. My BIL used to travel with a cooler of his own special food and high dollar beer. His wife and two kids, and my husband and me--his hosts--were not allowed to eat from the royal hamper.

My grand daughter Magnolia connected with her father's family a year ago. She is spending a holiday week with them at her other grandmother's house and facing a new set of rules. The one that cracked us up the most--you have to eat the ice cream! One of her new aunts is on an anti-sugar, processed food crusade. She makes ice cream from weird milk--goat-- and without sugar. Maz's new grandmother tells all the cousins they must eat at least one bowl and say it was good!

Another new rule for Maz: if you sleep late and you are not the only grandkid in the house, you cousins will eat your breakfast! My sister and I had ten first cousins so we grew up with the harsh reality of consanguineous natural selection. Fortunately we were near the top of the cousinly food chain so flourished. Poor Maz had no idea she could starve in a grandmother's care!

I have a dear friend who is my age so no longer has parents or grandparents but when we met, in our twenties, her grandparents had three tables for holiday dinners-- a kid table, a table for only them and their children and another table, waay off in the living room, for sons and daughters in law.My friend grew up thinking it was normal that her dad and mom ate Christmas and Thanksgiving in different rooms! --s6

I have a no soda pop on the table rule--water, wine, coffee, tea but no soda. Soda pop just does not go with china, linen and silver. My grandmother would not allow soda pop at meal time because my cousins would not eat anything if they had soda pop to drink. Grandma's rule became Mom's rule and I took it from her. We do let the kids have the sparkling grape juice in heavy duty antique goblets.

We always seat the babies in a high chair at the table but I have friends who won't allow even eight year olds at their table. This year my grand nephew Aidie caught on that he was the whole show. He loved it! That's him in my avatar--in the sweater his grammy knit for him. His trousers didn't survive the pumpkin pie. That's my niece holding him. She used to have blue hair but motherhood has tamed her. --s6

Just thought of another weird Christmas rule. Does anyone else have a mandatory garbage inspection of all boxes, envelopes and discarded wrapping paper before it is hauled to the dumpster? Someone once threw out ten dollars, back when ten dollars was a week's groceries, and from that day on all discarded christmas paper had to be deposited in ONE box and inspected for days before mom allowed us to take it outside. --s6