View Full Version : In hell...

11-29-2016, 06:48 AM
An awesome friend of mine, who happens to have two lovely daughters, shared her husband's insight: In Hell, they play accordion music every day at 2:00, and throw glitter. Such wisdom explains why they don't allow glittered objects into their home.

Here is the challenge: share what happens in Hell so that we may more efficiently determine where we are when we arrive in the afterlife, because early detection is important.

I will add to my friend's input. In Hell, everyone has popcorn ceilings in their rooms.

Matera the Mad
11-29-2016, 07:08 AM
In Hell, you are asked to update a database from a 12-inch stack of paper printouts.

Maggie Maxwell
11-29-2016, 07:45 AM
In Hell, you're forced to work retail, and every day a minute before quitting time, a customer will come in with a shopping cart full of returns and no receipts.

11-29-2016, 08:09 AM
In hell, you are always stuck in a traffic jam with a screaming baby and a full bladder.

11-29-2016, 03:02 PM
In Hell, Black Friday never stops.

Jaymz Connelly
11-30-2016, 03:07 AM
In hell the bathrooms have flocked wallpaper and carpet.

11-30-2016, 06:13 AM
In Hell, people listen to the Snuggie song in lieu of Christmas music.

11-30-2016, 06:14 AM
In Hell, people listen to the Snuggie song in lieu of Christmas music.Dang-it! Now it's stuck in my head!

11-30-2016, 06:17 AM
In hell the only thing on TV are those local business commercials where they use people they know instead of actors. Except at 3:30. That's when the Shamwow infomercial comes on.

Jaymz Connelly
11-30-2016, 06:17 AM
I don't know that song,(thankfully, from the sounds of it).

In hell, when it's not Christmas, everyone has to listen to Lawrence Welk.

Dennis E. Taylor
11-30-2016, 06:25 AM
In hell, you are cc'd on every. single. fucking. email.

11-30-2016, 06:26 AM
In Hell, everyone is required to wear five inch heels for twelve hours per day.

Jaymz Connelly
11-30-2016, 06:27 AM
In hell, you are cc'd on every. single. fucking. email.

That truly would be hell.

In hell, it doesn't matter how careful you are, your email always goes to the wrong person.

11-30-2016, 06:32 AM
Hell is set up pretty much like a 1960s High School Home Economics Class. If you are assigned to make something that only requires 3 ingredients, a hand mixer, spoon or whisk, a saucepan and a stove top, you are only in purgatory. If you can poach that egg, mash those potatoes, cream those peas, you could possibly get out some day. If there is an oven, yeast, a meat thermometer or a platform mixer you are screwed.

IF there is a sewing machine, a pattern printed on stupid flimsy ass paper that no body can read and directions written in French by an insane Inuit and you are holding a seam ripper and an orange calico dress with two left sleeves be assured that you are in the deepest, darkest corner of HELL! --s6

11-30-2016, 06:47 AM
In hell, it's just like those nightmares you have where you run around looking for a restroom, desperately needing to go. If you find one, the toilets are clogged and overflowing. There is a long line of women waiting to get in and the stalls have no doors. And there is no toilet paper or soap at the sink.

11-30-2016, 09:38 AM
In Hell, the computer always crashes before you can save your finished and publishable novel.

11-30-2016, 10:20 AM
In Hell, the wifi is free but has a max download of 16 bps and a max upload speed of 2 bps!

In other words, like every hotel wifi in existence...

11-30-2016, 11:35 AM
In Hell, it's always humid and either too hot or too cold; the AC is always broken, the heater never works, and the dehumidifier only spews humidity.

11-30-2016, 12:15 PM
In hell, the toilet paper is shiney and the cubicle door locks are broken.

11-30-2016, 09:39 PM
Hell is a 4:30 p.m. faculty meeting so the senile librarian can bitch about kids not respecting HER books and blaming all high school teachers for the student's library deportment.

The deepest pit of hell is a 7"00 a.m. faculty meeting featuring a 30 something, squeaky voiced, pup of a principal, in a JC Penny boxed shirt and tie ensemble, lecturing the faculty on HIS vast experience with kids and why they love him SOOOO MUCH. When in reality the kids love him SOOOO MUCH because he is a lily livered pussy with no idea about discipline. --s6

PS--Guess it was a good idea to retire after all!

11-30-2016, 10:27 PM
... because he is a lily livered pussy with no idea...

Read this part and couldn't help but think about Yosemite Sam


Is that dating me?

11-30-2016, 10:40 PM
Dang Tootin! That's why they took my pistols away! --s6

PS--in hell there are always kids fighting in the backseat. In the deepest pit of hell, those kids are your 3 middle aged daughters!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Matera the Mad
12-01-2016, 08:23 AM
In Hell, it's always the week before Christmas, and the muzak is only one song. The Little Dr--

12-01-2016, 09:01 AM
In Hell, the dogs always need to be taken out right now!

12-01-2016, 09:05 AM
In Hell, the dogs always need to be taken out right now! I actually like taking the family dog out.

In Hell, the entire sidewalk is always covered in the waste of everybody else's dogs.

12-01-2016, 09:20 AM
Purgatory is narrated by Whitley Strieber.

Hell, of course, is not narrated. The audio system plays a constant loop of spliced but random Spanish language tapes in pure 1939 Castilian: "Pablo ethta bien pero Luitha tiene catarrrrrrrro." On Sunday mornings there are audio quizzes on the Subjunctive but only for those who slept through Sunday mass while on earth. Ethperrrrro Ethtar alli.

12-01-2016, 10:44 AM
In hell, you can't turn on TV without seeing an orange blimp with weird yellow hair.

12-01-2016, 12:01 PM
Hell is other people.

Alessandra Kelley
12-01-2016, 10:40 PM
In hell you are one face in a vast chorus constantly singing the praises of the local leader.

12-01-2016, 11:06 PM
In hell, every time you post...someone has beaten you to it and is more clever!

Maggie Maxwell
12-01-2016, 11:16 PM
In Hell, you're the sole IT person for a building full of incompetent users, including The "My Cup Holder is Broken" user, the "I've Told You A Thousand Times, Turn It Off And On First And Then Come To Me" user, the "You Barely Know How To Double Click, How Did To Manage To Turn Everything Brown" user, and the "You Don't Know How To Double Click And You Don't Have To Hold The Down Arrow to Scroll Oh God You're Scrolling Through The Terms And Conditions To Ask Me To Define 'Or' Aren't You Please Just Let Me Have The Mouse" user.

12-02-2016, 06:04 PM
Literature classes in Heaven are non-judgmental. The reader is shielded from an author or poet's character flaws. Thus in heaven we can enjoy "Sailing Alone Around the World" without knowing that Joshua Slocum spent time in jail for exposing himself to a 12 year old girl.

In Hell Lit we only study the sensational and the negative. We learn that Fitzgerald was a blubbering, maudlin, thin skinned, self doubting alcoholic but we never get to read Gatsby.

In the deepest pit of hell, History is taught by Bill O'Reilly and Lytton Strachey.

12-02-2016, 07:15 PM
In Hell, the coffee tastes like a brown crayon dipped in tepid water for hours

12-03-2016, 07:02 PM
In hell, people text during movies.

Oh, wait. That already happens, ALL THE DAMN TIME.

12-05-2016, 02:41 AM
In hell, all the keyboards are missing keys!!!!

Matera the Mad
12-05-2016, 07:35 AM
In Hell, you are expected to fold a thousand cranes a day from sandpaper

12-05-2016, 08:06 AM
In Hell, you are expected to fold a thousand cranes a day from sandpaper, and you don't even know origami...

Jaymz Connelly
12-05-2016, 08:09 AM
In hell there is no ice cream :cry:

12-06-2016, 10:02 AM
In Hell, every chair you use has a splinter specifically for you. (It has your name on it.)

12-06-2016, 04:35 PM
In hell, you have the shittiest laptop that decides to free itself from the reins of the work intranet everytime you need to print something. And the printer is 3 floors away in block Z (your office is in block H, for Hell). Oh, did I mention, you only realize the print order did not go until you reach their printer?

12-06-2016, 07:35 PM
In Hell, you relive your most cringe-worthy moment ever, in front of everyone you ever knew with the paparazi broadcasting every detail to everyone else.

12-06-2016, 11:13 PM
In Hell, you can't teach sitting down and constantly have a twisted ankle