Depression Statements Wanted

During the second round of heavy chemotherapy I had no energy, no desires and no will to subject myself to more. I credit not putting a shotgun under my chin and pulling the trigger less to spiritual guidance, support from family or friends and help from pharmaceuticals and more to being too lazy to follow through.

Jeff

Hmm. I've been there, especially when I was younger. The thought that really clawed into my brain was that I was the common denominator. Through most of elementary school, I half-believed my parents when they said there was nothing wrong with me. Then, in fifth grade, I changed schools. "At last!" I thought, "A fresh start with people who haven't hated me since kindergarten. Now's my chance to finally make friends!" I did my damndest, but failed miserably. The kids at the new school treated me even worse than at the old one. That, to me, confirmed that I was the problem. Obviously I really WAS ugly and stupid. Otherwise, why would not one, but TWO schools full of children say as much and shun me when they weren't beating the crap out of me?

I spent years trying to figure out what I was doing wrong, what I could change about myself to make other people actually like me for once. Unfortunately, nothing I tried ever seemed to work. By high school I had come to accept there was just something inherently wrong with me. I spent those years completely withdrawn, actively teaching myself to like solitude. I had the mindset of, "you're stuck this way. You may as well learn to accept it." However, I would never have admitted that aloud as a teen. If someone had asked (not that anybody did...you'd need friends for that), I would have insisted I just preferred being alone.

At my high school graduation, the teacher who handed me my diploma asked if I would please smile for her, just once. She'd known me for four years and never seen me smile. Then I want to the after-party held by the school, which ran all night and culminated in a raffle with a grand prize of $1,000. Guess who won the money? ...A girl who stabbed me with a pencil in 8th grade (I never did figure out what she had against me. I'd never spoken to her before that incident and I didn't even know her name until half-an-hour beforehand, when people told me she was planning to beat me up). It felt like one final "eff-you" from the universe.

I guess that last day pretty much sums up my school experience.

ETA: To anyone reading this who's currently going through something similar, it really does get better in college/adult life. I was told that and I thought people were just blowing smoke, but turns out it was true.

I actually have a statement that I repeat in my head just to hurt myself:you are stupid and worthless and you don't deserve to live.

There are plenty of things that other people have told me, too, many of them very specific. Depression is evidence of your failure to take responsibility. I shouldn't have to deal with your emotional problems (said to me when I was simply being very quiet that day.) You're just buying into the whole "tortured artist" thing.

I've had some success with drawing the statements -- I created a proxy figure interacting with the harmful statements. So when I think the bad thought (or when someone throws one in my direction) I draw my character acting out the harmful statement. For example, I have a drawing of my character at the peak of a mountain with the caption: still not good enough. And one of her laying on the floor with a knife in her back and the caption says, you are addicted to suffering. And at least a dozen of her trying to reach the word "enough" but falling short. It's been a remarkably therapeutic exercise.

The thing about Depression (if that's what you're asking about) is that literally anything can set it off. Any criticism, no matter how constructive or well meant, can send you down the shame spiral. It has nothing to do with self pity, really. Your brain literally cannot process information in a healthy way, so you convince yourself you are terrible, unworthy, and anything anyone says or does becomes evidence to support that thesis.

So yeah, just take something the character cares about and have someone offer criticism, well meant or otherwise. It really doesn't take much if Depression is involved.

PyriteFool is right.

And I second: "Self pity" and "depression" are two very different things. Please don't confuse the two.

Depression statements (usually internal monologue; not usually expressed aloud)(examples only; some may be considered dark, or worse):

• It's too much, there's too much to deal with, I can't cope, not now, not any more; can it stop now, just want it to stop, RIGHT NOW!
• Suicide is not an answer, but it's my answer. And it's the only answer I have; no more solutions, no more trying. Just want out. NOW!
• Sod it, why bother, there's nothing left.
• Hate everything right now, everything.
• It's fine: ignore me, everyone does, everything does; I don't exist and that's fine too; better I don't exist than be anywhere on this world or in this plane.
• Do yourself a favour and just die already.

Depression triggers (examples only):

• No more excuses!
• You're always in a mood!
• Get over yourself!
• It's all in your head.
• Don't be so bloody neurotic.
• You're a hypochondriac.
• No such thing as depression.
• You're bloody stupid.
• If they can do it, why can't you?
• Why are you so incompetent?
• You call that effort?!
• Get lost!
• Sure, you're my friend; just too busy and can't talk. (Depression sufferers generally hear, "Stay the Hell away from me! You're NOT my friend.")
• I don't hold grudges. (What's actually heard: "I'm holding a grudge forever!")
• Nothing to do with you. (What's heard: "It's all your fault.")

Snitchcat said:

PyriteFool is right.

And I second: "Self pity" and "depression" are two very different things. Please don't confuse the two.

Depression statements (usually internal monologue; not usually expressed aloud)(examples only; some may be considered dark, or worse):

• It's too much, there's too much to deal with, I can't cope, not now, not any more; can it stop now, just want it to stop, RIGHT NOW!
• Suicide is not an answer, but it's my answer. And it's the only answer I have; no more solutions, no more trying. Just want out. NOW!
• Sod it, why bother, there's nothing left.
• Hate everything right now, everything.
• It's fine: ignore me, everyone does, everything does; I don't exist and that's fine too; better I don't exist than be anywhere on this world or in this plane.
• Do yourself a favour and just die already.

Depression triggers (examples only):

• No more excuses!
• You're always in a mood!
• Get over yourself!
• It's all in your head.
• Don't be so bloody neurotic.
• You're a hypochondriac.
• No such thing as depression.
• You're bloody stupid.
• If they can do it, why can't you?
• Why are you so incompetent?
• You call that effort?!
• Get lost!
• Sure, you're my friend; just too busy and can't talk. (Depression sufferers generally hear, "Stay the Hell away from me! You're NOT my friend.")
• I don't hold grudges. (What's actually heard: "I'm holding a grudge forever!")
• Nothing to do with you. (What's heard: "It's all your fault.")

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I second all of this. And especially this

And I second: "Self pity" and "depression" are two very different things. Please don't confuse the two.

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Also, understand that depression does not need anything to trigger it. That's one of the things that sucks most about it. Everything can seem just fine to an outside observer -- but it doesn't feel that way at all to the person suffering from depression.

It is not the same thing as feeling sad about something bad that happened. Everyone feels sad when something bad happens to them. A person with depression can feel worthless even when everyone else thinks they're a huge success. See, e.g., Robin Williams. Also, it's not always about feeling "sad." An episode of depression can manifest more as an absence of feeling -- an inability to feel joy. The whole world looks gray, and as though it will never have color again.

And a pep talk -- from yourself or others -- is pretty unlikely to pull you out of a genuine bout of depression (or as you put it "recover from the bad self-talk"). Sometimes it takes meds, sometimes you just have to ride it out as best you can. Some find other things that help a bit (exercise and sunlight help some, for example, but not all).

I strongly suggest you do some real research into depression before you attempt to write about it. If you are confusing it with self-pity, you've got a lot of learning to do.


ETA:

Indeed, a person suffering from depression may well feel she has no legitimate reason for feeling bad -- and that in fact makes her feel even more worthless and more hopeless.

Seriously, it's really not at all the same thing as self-pity.

The one I remember from my high school days was the time I was with my friends in the mall, and I saw a stranger wearing a band t-shirt that happened to by my absolute favorite band ever. I wasn't into the top 40 stuff, so this didn't happen regularly. Anyway, I bounced up to the older guy and said something like "Nice t-shirt," which is not something that shy me would've normally done. He gave me a weird look and totally ignored me.

Most people would've been able to completely brush it off, but I just . . . couldn't. I kept thinking about how stupid I was for even thinking that he'd care. That I was worthless and the dumbest person to ever grace the face of the earth. No matter what I did, I. Could. Not. Stop. Thinking. Like. That. Needless to say, it totally ruined the rest of my day.

Depression triggers. They're manyfold. Some examples for me:

--That well-meaning teasing about how forgetful or klutzy I am. Or admonitions from family and friends to just "slow down and think things through" more. As if I haven't been trying to do this all my life.

--Any reminder that normal people have a circle of dear, close friends who drop by all the time and hang out with them, or at least text/call them several times a day, while I get more calls from telemarketers than from friends and family (but also realizing that constantly being in touch with everyone is exhausting, because they make demands and expect you to help them with things, or to do things with them in the mornings on weekends and stuff, and realizing that I don't have many friends because I'm too lazy and selfish to allow relationships to change my schedule).

--girding my loins and doing something social (even if it's exhausting) and realizing that there is this inner circle of friends I'm not a part of within these activities and organizations, because other people will announce things to one another like "I just got a text from [name] and she says..." when I haven't even exchanged (or been asked to exchange) cell phone #s with anyone in the group.

--Being told, on those rare occasions when I pluck up the courage to initiate a conversation about my needs not being met in a relationship or situation, that the problem is actually all my fault because [insert something I do that's wrong], so I don't have a leg to stand on.

--Being told that I'm so smart and gifted that I would succeed at anything I wanted if I'd just try harder. This was both frustrating and terrifying when I was a kid/teen especially. Frustrating because it is absolutely impossible to prove to someone else that I am trying as hard as I can (or at least as hard as I know how to) and terrifying because trying one's hardest and failing means I'm really not all that smart or gifted after all, and my value and uniqueness as a human being lies in being unusually brilliant and talented.

--when I was a teen, buying a cute pair of white shoes or pants and having them become so stained/grubby the first time I wore them that I could never wear them again. Looking at all the other girls and their snowy white cute pants and shoes and realizing that there's something odd about me that simply attracts dirt and grime.

--Any kind of backhanded compliment, whether its intentional or not.

--Having a really good time at a social event, or having what felt like a really good, interesting conversation with someone and being told later that my perception of this was entirely skewed.

--Anything that reminds me of how sexist the world still is and of how few people (even other women) give a shit about that. Being told I'm over sensitive or imagining things when I complain about sexism, or that that's just how things are because "men and women are different."

--Other political and sociological types of things that remind me of how on the edge of social regression or how miserable the world is will also trigger depression, because I'll start to feel guilty about my concern with my own petty issues when life is genuinely screwed for some folks.

--Just looking at my messy, chaotic, disorganized house and realizing that no matter what I do, it won't say clean and organized for more than a couple of days, and I'll never, ever live in a place that looks like it's inhabited by a real grownup instead of a pack of drunken wolverines.

--looking at myself in the mirror and realizing that aging, overweight person is me.

--That feeling of restlessness that tells me I should be doing something meaningful or getting to my work/responsibilities, followed by overwhelming sleepiness and fogginess and complete cluelessness that kicks in when I try to tackle a difficult project or (lately) start writing a new story.

Nerdilydone said:

Though I think you should chill out about miserable world one. Can't blame yourself for other people's problems

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Not trying to derail the topic but I think it's pertinent... when people suggest you "chill out" is one of the kinds of statements that trigger or escalate depression... along with "what do you have to be sad about?" and "just think about all the positive things."

Nerdilydone said:

As for the long rants, those were unnecessary. I'm writing a story, not an essay. That, and self pity and depression are related. In my opinion, the worst thing science has ever done is make people think depression is a medical condition. It's not, and can be solved only by love and caring, not by medicine. It's a matter of damaged will, which in turn damages the mind. Not the other way around.

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And your qualifications to make this determination are. .?

Your statements about depression are both incorrect and insensitive to our members who have struggled with depression or have a loved one who has. (Which, by the way, is going to include a great many writers, editors and agents.)

Frankly, I'm offended and I'm bowing out of your thread.

Nerdilydone said:

Thanks to the people who gave their comments. Those were exactly what I was looking for. They'll really help.

As for the long rants, those were unnecessary. I'm writing a story, not an essay. That, and self pity and depression are related. In my opinion, the worst thing science has ever done is make people think depression is a medical condition. It's not, and can be solved only by love and caring, not by medicine. It's a matter of damaged will, which in turn damages the mind. Not the other way around.

Anyway, thanks for the help. The statements were pretty provocative, which was exactly what I was looking for. Anyone else want to jump in?

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I'm locking this. You're categorically wrong about depression; there are actual physical differences in the neurology and chemistry of people with depression.

Depression is a medical diagnosis, and a disorder, and you're being both insensitive and ignorant.

We're done here.