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Do you have guilt?
- Thread starter Maze Runner
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Feelings of guilt are weird. Being a victim of abuse, I felt guilty for a long time, as if I had brought it upon myself. In fact, that's what my abusers told me consistently: Just stop being yourself, and you won't get hurt. One school counselor told me repeatedly to "change my personality." I was in sixth grade, when I was just figuring out my baseline personality, and who in their right mind would change their personality just to be accepted? I wanted people to stop hitting me and smearing crap (human feces) in my locker. I thought it was a straightforward situation, but I was constantly barraged with feelings of, "This is my fault."
And I still struggle with those feelings. It took over a year of therapy and a mood stabilizing medication, as well as a medication to manage my frequent, visceral nightmares. It also became a matter of becoming self-aware, and recognizing what abuse is, and what it isn't.
Abuse is evil, but it is never the fault of the victim. Ever.
I still struggle with feelings of guilt, but not to the extent I used to. When I feel guilt, I ask myself, "Should I feel this way? Why do I feel this way?" If I can't rationally conclude I did something wrong, the feelings of guilt diminish. I recommend cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) for anyone and everyone.
What you think influences what you feel. What you feel influences what you do. What you do reinforces what you think. You want to change? Change what you think, persistently.
And I still struggle with those feelings. It took over a year of therapy and a mood stabilizing medication, as well as a medication to manage my frequent, visceral nightmares. It also became a matter of becoming self-aware, and recognizing what abuse is, and what it isn't.
Abuse is evil, but it is never the fault of the victim. Ever.
I still struggle with feelings of guilt, but not to the extent I used to. When I feel guilt, I ask myself, "Should I feel this way? Why do I feel this way?" If I can't rationally conclude I did something wrong, the feelings of guilt diminish. I recommend cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) for anyone and everyone.
What you think influences what you feel. What you feel influences what you do. What you do reinforces what you think. You want to change? Change what you think, persistently.
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That's brilliant, thank you. And to LJD, I understand that we can sometimes feel guilt when we did nothing wrong. I carry some of that from my childhood, watching my parents tear each other to shreds emotionally, divorces, etc, and I remember as a kid thinking that I must have somehow been to blame.
My problem now, is I have guilt for something I did do, years ago, though the effects are still with me. I've managed it as best as I can. Well, not really. I know I could have done better. But I put that frustration into writing three books anyway. But, the truth is, it never leaves me. It hasn't left me. I kill the pain with booze and cigarettes, and when I stop drinking, as I have recently, it only gets worse. Just when I think I've pushed it away and it can't get me anymore, it comes back to me and I'm right back where I started. I don't know what to do anymore. I honestly think it's going to kill me. It's definitely taken years off my life. I've been heartbroken for years.
My problem now, is I have guilt for something I did do, years ago, though the effects are still with me. I've managed it as best as I can. Well, not really. I know I could have done better. But I put that frustration into writing three books anyway. But, the truth is, it never leaves me. It hasn't left me. I kill the pain with booze and cigarettes, and when I stop drinking, as I have recently, it only gets worse. Just when I think I've pushed it away and it can't get me anymore, it comes back to me and I'm right back where I started. I don't know what to do anymore. I honestly think it's going to kill me. It's definitely taken years off my life. I've been heartbroken for years.
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She's the one who took her life, and she wasn't mentally ill because of me. But she was very depressed at the time and there were warning signs. So if I'd forced her to go to a hospital the week before, they might have determined she was a danger to herself and held her against her will. (I am fairly sure she wouldn't have stayed at the hospital willingly.) Would that have saved her life? Maybe. The "If only I'd done this or that" type of thoughts are common for suicide survivors. And I have them, but they don't trouble me a great deal. But it is easy for me to imagine someone in my position having crippling guilt.
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Oh yes. I have it.
As a survivor of different kinds of abuse guilt arises everyday.
I don't have any ways of dealing with it. I find it comes and it goes. On my unluckiest days it lingers and it's those days I'll find the hardest.
As a survivor of different kinds of abuse guilt arises everyday.
I don't have any ways of dealing with it. I find it comes and it goes. On my unluckiest days it lingers and it's those days I'll find the hardest.
Guilt is hard, particularly when you can't do anything to make reparations or fix things. If you are in that situation you have to make a choice - either beat yourself up for the rest of your life, allow your guilt to poison your life and therefore negatively impact the people who love and care about you, or (ii) recognise that you are human and imperfect and you screwed up as we all do, then truly forgive yourself, and live your life the best way you know how. I know it's very hard to do that, so I'm not saying it lightly, and it may take you some time. But if you have to make a project out of it, so be it. Look, fast forward to the end of your life and imagine yourself looking back. You will either see that your life diverged at a certain point and everything after that point was poisoned with guilt, or you will see a good life lived by a person who kept on trying, giving and getting the most out of life on every level, albeit a life peppered by mistakes every now and again.
Guilt is only useful if it prompts us to fix our mistakes. If they can't be fixed or undone, you have to learn from then but then forgive yourself and move on.
I really hope you can do that.
Guilt is only useful if it prompts us to fix our mistakes. If they can't be fixed or undone, you have to learn from then but then forgive yourself and move on.
I really hope you can do that.
'
Thank you. Good reminders.
Really sorry for your struggle.
Some of us feel guilt, others don't. I wish I could be one who brushes things off - I even loaded that Taylor Swift song "Shake it Off" to my phone to help 
- but it's not that easy for me. I wish it were. I can ruminate over situations to the extent of immobilization - or in an effort to "shake it off" make a hasty, sometimes bad decision to just get it out of my mind. For years, years! I felt guilt over decisions I made that caused me to not be present at the deaths of my father and then a few years later my mother. I felt intense guilt - even now I tear up over it - but it slowly faded to regret. I had to stop feeling guilty, for my own mental health. Now I have regrets, but not the guilt. The regrets I can live with.
I do have guilt, but only over one thing I can never, ever take back or change. I had to come to terms with the fact it was the best decision for me and those around me at that time, forgive myself, and release it to the universe. Not to mention learn from the mistake and promise never, EVER to do it again. I still think about it from time to time and wish things were not as they were, like now- but the guilt isn't consuming me any more.
I did have guilt about the suicide of a teenage friend when I was a teenager. It took me well into my 30's to come to terms with that. Like LJD said, the what ifs?- If only I had done this or that... People make their own choices, there is often nothing we can do.
I thought forgiving someone else was the hardest lesson I had to learn, forgiving myself was harder. You have to forgive yourself, release it, and move on or it will just eat you up inside. Don't drink it away to try to dull it, face it- look at it- feel it-acknowledge you did what you did and it maybe wasn't the best thing to do, vow to not do it again, forgive yourself and let it go... we ALL make mistakes, even the ones of us who try never to do it.
Edited to add: I guess it goes without saying, but thought I'd toss it out there...don't hesitate to get some sort of professional assistance in dealing with your feelings and overcoming the guilt if you don't feel you can do it alone.
I did have guilt about the suicide of a teenage friend when I was a teenager. It took me well into my 30's to come to terms with that. Like LJD said, the what ifs?- If only I had done this or that... People make their own choices, there is often nothing we can do.
I thought forgiving someone else was the hardest lesson I had to learn, forgiving myself was harder. You have to forgive yourself, release it, and move on or it will just eat you up inside. Don't drink it away to try to dull it, face it- look at it- feel it-acknowledge you did what you did and it maybe wasn't the best thing to do, vow to not do it again, forgive yourself and let it go... we ALL make mistakes, even the ones of us who try never to do it.
Edited to add: I guess it goes without saying, but thought I'd toss it out there...don't hesitate to get some sort of professional assistance in dealing with your feelings and overcoming the guilt if you don't feel you can do it alone.
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I had it big time for the reason mentioned by PennGuin and PhoenixWings (how did they come up with great forum names like that and mine is silly?).
Major league abuse, a survivor of. Fortunately I wasn't killed or permanently maimed as a kiddie - that was my greatest fear. I didn't want either of those to happen before I could escape and start living my life all over.
Took me until the age of 40 and a half before I finally beat it. There was literally a day when I looked at myself in the mirror, smiled, and absolutely positively knew I'd be fine for the rest of my life. Such a great day, and a surprise. Prior to? I felt kind of guilty being alive, as if I wasn't good enough for the world - as if everyone else was straight up human and I was just beneath that. Didn't go to therapy - hardheaded I suppose, but also part of my coping strategy was being a tumbling tumbleweed. I think what cured me is the constant, repetitive advice I kept giving my best friend (who, for no discernible reason to everyone, has a self-esteem that reaches up to touch bottom). I think that by playing amateur psychologist - I actually cured my issues. My friend has never improved, however. And he did have therapy and more help from so many others than he deserved.
Guilt is a state of mind and it can be circumvented. Literally, your brain can rewire itself into a new way of thinking. Takes time - lots. And lots of care and understanding. But it can be done. The payoff is overwhelming and that's why anyone crippled by guilt must prevail over it. You're too good not to.
Major league abuse, a survivor of. Fortunately I wasn't killed or permanently maimed as a kiddie - that was my greatest fear. I didn't want either of those to happen before I could escape and start living my life all over.
Took me until the age of 40 and a half before I finally beat it. There was literally a day when I looked at myself in the mirror, smiled, and absolutely positively knew I'd be fine for the rest of my life. Such a great day, and a surprise. Prior to? I felt kind of guilty being alive, as if I wasn't good enough for the world - as if everyone else was straight up human and I was just beneath that. Didn't go to therapy - hardheaded I suppose, but also part of my coping strategy was being a tumbling tumbleweed. I think what cured me is the constant, repetitive advice I kept giving my best friend (who, for no discernible reason to everyone, has a self-esteem that reaches up to touch bottom). I think that by playing amateur psychologist - I actually cured my issues. My friend has never improved, however. And he did have therapy and more help from so many others than he deserved.
Guilt is a state of mind and it can be circumvented. Literally, your brain can rewire itself into a new way of thinking. Takes time - lots. And lots of care and understanding. But it can be done. The payoff is overwhelming and that's why anyone crippled by guilt must prevail over it. You're too good not to.
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I used to have a lot of guilt earlier. It was like someone was twisting my spine. Meds helped. Talking also helped. But I ended up making lots of mistakes because I didn't take meds earlier. Now I regret the mistakes and not the thing that caused the guilt.
The guilt has sort of hardened to indifference, sorrow, and bitterness towards the world.
The guilt has sort of hardened to indifference, sorrow, and bitterness towards the world.
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I'm the guilty type. I feel super guilty for tiny things normal people wouldn't even think about (ex. we had to send a dish back to the kitchen last night at a restaurant because half of the muscles hadn't opened. They brought us way more than should have been in the dish, and I had to eat them all or I would have felt guilty about it) and for big things so far out of my control that feeling guilty is absurd (I feel like it's my fault my mother died from cancer).
So I have a long relationship with various degrees of guilt.
I've had to make myself believe that guilt isn't a torture device your soul just made up to slowly kill you. It's a tool of the conscience. We feel guilt about things because we need to make amends or we need to learn a lesson, and the guilt stays with you until you do one of those two things.
Making amends can be addressing the original situation—restitution, reconciliation, etc. Or if that's not possible, "paying it forward" (Guilt about my mother's death lightened when I made big sacrifices to be with my father more when he got cancer [and recovered] and when I started sharing my experiences about my mother's death to try to help other people going through the same or helped them in ways I wished people had helped us at the time).
If there's no way to do something that ameliorates the guilt, then I take it as a lesson to be learned. And not just in a "well, yeah, guess I shouldn't have done that" but in a life-changing way. I change the way I live and interact with people so that it doesn't happen again or so that I'm not contributing to a specific situation and I start advocating for improvement.
So I have a long relationship with various degrees of guilt.
I've had to make myself believe that guilt isn't a torture device your soul just made up to slowly kill you. It's a tool of the conscience. We feel guilt about things because we need to make amends or we need to learn a lesson, and the guilt stays with you until you do one of those two things.
Making amends can be addressing the original situation—restitution, reconciliation, etc. Or if that's not possible, "paying it forward" (Guilt about my mother's death lightened when I made big sacrifices to be with my father more when he got cancer [and recovered] and when I started sharing my experiences about my mother's death to try to help other people going through the same or helped them in ways I wished people had helped us at the time).
If there's no way to do something that ameliorates the guilt, then I take it as a lesson to be learned. And not just in a "well, yeah, guess I shouldn't have done that" but in a life-changing way. I change the way I live and interact with people so that it doesn't happen again or so that I'm not contributing to a specific situation and I start advocating for improvement.