Book or Baby?

I don't want kids. Book all the way.

Hard to juggle writing, marriage, child-rearing, making a living, and still manage to get a few laughs in. But, sincerely, my kids have brought me far more joy and much less heartache. Easy pick for me.

Baby. No question. It would be hard to give up writing, but I would channel my creative drive into other outlets. I'm very glad I don't have to choose though!

ETA: About balancing writing w/ kids... you just have to be very picky about how you spend your time. It forces you to choose your priorities carefully.

You can write a book at any time of life. It's hard with kids but not impossible and varies by child and by parent.

Finding the balance of responsibility between writing and baby is easy. Writing comes last, but it does come.

andiwrite said:

I don't want kids. Book all the way.

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+1

Book.

Baby. I lurve babies.

My kids are grown.

Baby. Couldn't imagine life without my daughter.

andiwrite said:

I don't want kids. Book all the way.

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Brightdreamer said:

+1

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+2

I don't have kids (yet), but I want 'em in the future. I love working with and taking care of children in my various jobs throughout my life (part-time daycare; babysitting; assistant teaching; childcare providing), so I would definitely choose children.

Baby for me.

I didn't really start writing until my son was way past the toddler stage. I think he was eight or nine, so it wasn't the mad juggling. I couldn't have devoted the time I did to writing my first book when he was a baby.

Comparing the two, though? No comparison. Kid all the way. BUT don't have a baby unless you really want one. And if you think you'd rather have a book published than have a kid--write the book.

Book. No question about it.

I've had to make this choice, and had it made for me. The book I "finished" (it needs more revision but I got through to the end) was written during the year after I lost a pregnancy. I had one child, and was writing in late nights and weekend times. I think if I hadn't had the pregnancy loss I wouldn't have written that particular book. We had some infertility issues after that loss and I wrote a good portion of the book during that time. When I got pregnant again (he'll be a year next month) I lost writing time to morning sickness, then I've lost a lot of writing time again for his infancy. It's hard to write coherently when you sleep in 2-4 hour bursts, or edit when your computer is in the middle of the living space and you get twenty minute or less bits of time there. So between this and other issues we're done having kids.

I've pretty keenly felt the "can't actually have everything" this year, since my youngest has been so dependent. My free time a week is measured in a couple of hours total, but if I had never had kids, I don't know if I would have the same drive to get published.

As for the balancing (and keep in mind this comes from a stay at home mom, so my experiences are not universal). First I have an awesome partner. My husband gets it, and my lack of free time this last year hasn't been because he isn't pitching in. Second I make choices, I've seen the little triangle diagrams where it says: sanity, clean house, writing. Pick one (or two). With parenting it's more like: self care, clean house, homemade dinners, kids activities, writing, sleep. Pick two, maybe three, and some days you'll only get one. Some days I don't write (and lets face it, that's most days recently) and that's ok. Some days I end up living on chocolate covered fruit and crackers and wear PJ's all day, or the kids eat fast food, or the floor is carpeted with toys. Not beating myself up about what I can't do (and that is a work in progress) is a big thing. Strategically giving up other activities was another thing that helped me balance. I used to knit, sew, bake crazy things, do a dance class, LARP, read a lot, play MMORGs, do a weekly gaming group... and I had to make choices and cut some of those out completely (MMORG's, knitting, dancing, weekly gaming), and make the others very occasional.

Once I had carved out as much time as I could, I joined a "meet in person" writing group, picked up an alphasmart (it keeps me focused on putting words down since there is no internet), and started finding places outside of my house to write. McDonalds ended up being one of the better places since they were open until 11 pm at night. About a third of my first book was probably written there. The oldest goes to kindergarten this August, and I have two more years till the youngest is old enough for part time preschool. He's slowly starting to sleep longer (two nights of 6 hours of sleep for me this week, woot!) and be less dependent on me so I'm hoping that I can get back to some sort of schedule by this summer.

Book. No question about it. But that's hardly a fair question for me because I chose not to have kids anyway, not because I had to choose between kids and anything specific. I never had a burning desire to be a mom. Or maybe the choice for me was, "Kids or getting enough sleep sometimes," or "Kids or having lots of animals," or "Kids or living a life where I never know the agony of stepping on a lego in the dark" (though kicking a wire dog crate at 3 in the morning on the way to the bathroom is its own special kind of pain).

5 years ago, I would have said book. I didn't want kids. I had no desire to become a parent. I was a 20-something yuppie living on the river in a condo downtown making great money in the tech field.

Then boy meets girl. I found a girl who I could stand longer than a week, that became a month, that became a year. Then I became a parent. Now I have a daughter and I would sacrifice everything for her. It is an intense internal shift

Now I am a 30 year old Dad-bod in the suburbs who's free time consists of beer-league softball, ballet, and backyard chickens.

Finding time to write is much harder now. What was the beginning of the night is now the middle of the night. 10pm is my bedtime... on the weekends. You just have to be very judicious with your time and learn to say "No" to other people. Your time is a precious commodity and you should spend it efficiently. Don't just give it away.

At this point, my babies have babies. That is something I would never give away. I adore having books with my name on them on my bookshelf, but NOTHING compares to being a parent FOR ME. I love my babies...and I love my grandbabies.

If I could only have one, bye bye books.

But I'm a selfish bastard. I already have both. BAM!

**drops mic**

Roxxsmom said:

"Kids or living a life where I never know the agony of stepping on a lego in the dark"

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They're picking the shrapnel out of my heel to this day.

*takes all her mother-in-law's hopes and dreams and not-the-least-bit-subtle hints for a grandchild and tosses them out the nearest window* Book please.

Roxxsmom said:

"Kids or living a life where I never know the agony of stepping on a lego in the dark" (though kicking a wire dog crate at 3 in the morning on the way to the bathroom is its own special kind of pain).

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Ooh! Yes. 3 in the morning seems to be a theme too. That was the time that I needed to head out on a 3-hour (both directions) journey to pick up my daughter from a place up north where she inadvertently found herself stranded back in her University days. I'd do anything for her...including lay down my life for her...but she magically picks the most inopportune times to have a crisis. (-; With her, there was no Lego...but there were plenty of those rigid plastic Polly Pocket doll bitches. I think I still have one in my heel. My son, though...he had a special way of rigging the house with Legos.

Me: book!

I don't want kids, I don't want family, I don't want a 9-to-5 job where I have to settle down.

So publish me a book, and get me out on the road, talking to high school students, visiting cons and retreats.

<3

I'd pick a book over another baby (I have two children already), hands down. I love babies, but I prefer other people to have them from now on, and I love my kids, but I don't find parenthood personally fulfilling.

However, I don't believe I would be able to write the things I'm writing if I hadn't gone through the circumstances that led to me having babies (and surviving their babyhood, haha). My whole worldview and self-perception changed, and not because of the typical reasons people mention about having children. It's all very complicated.

There is no comparison. If you want a child--i.e. to create a human being and invest twenty years into realizing the joy of seeing that person thrive--then you do that. No freakin' creative project is even comparable.

But that said, having a child is too sacred a duty to embark on unless you are that committed, because that's a fellow human being whose existence you might blight if you're careless. There are many, many people wise enough about what they want from their own life to never voluntarily choose parenthood. And to them, it's an easy decision to choose getting a book published because they honestly don't want the alternative.

So it's a bit of a weird question. Want a child? Then you'd choose that if you couldn't have both. Want no child, however? Then getting a book published is icing on the cake of a life you already got.