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coloneldax
03-25-2016, 10:10 PM
Thursday March 24th, 2016 ~~6:30AM

Belgium for you I have a prayer,
As predicted by the soothsayer,
That cannot be taken away by any terrorist dismay-er.

Belgium,
I believe in Godís gentle hum,
One day your troubles will be done,
I believe in you and so does mom,
As does Tom,
You will shine in the morning sun,
One day the troubles will be done.

28 dead,
Shrapnel to the head.

No coward terrorist,
Can take away the sweet morning mist,
No bomb, gun, knife or fist,
Will take you off Godís hopeful list.

I talked to my sis,
She said we must stand united against ISIS.

Belgium you must stand tall,
Answer heroismís call,
You cannot fall.

Belgium donít give into this terrorist cancer,
You know love is the best dancer.

France,
Still does dance,
Still knows romance,
Despite their tragic circumstance.

So,
Go,
The distance
Even in this horrible circumstance.

This is what Iím saying:
For you every day I shall be praying.

Every day for you Iíll pray,
Every day till the eternal may,
I will pray God takes away dismay,
Even as the buried bodies you down the lay,
I will pray to heal you find a way.

Brussels stands united,
Weíll never be divided.

Belgium stand united,
Weíll never be divided.

The world stands united,
Weíll never be divided.

Belgium itís true,
One day your skies will be clear and blue,
Belgium the world does so pray for you.

God bless you Belgium,
Shalom,
Daniel
~6:48AM

daniel@peace18.com
www.peace18.com (http://www.peace18.com)

#united4belgium
#istandwithbelgium
#coloneldax
#peace18

Magdalen
03-25-2016, 11:45 PM
I know you mean well, but as poetry, this sucks so bad it's practically offensive. The forced rhymes, trite phrases and random meter defeat your purposes, however honorable.

coloneldax
03-25-2016, 11:50 PM
I know you mean well, but as poetry, this sucks so bad it's practically offensive. The forced rhymes, trite phrases and random meter defeat your purposes, however honorable.


Maybe you would enjoy my "What I Dream" poem:
http://absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?317322-What-I-Dream

Magdalen
03-25-2016, 11:51 PM
Nope, sorry. I didn't want to pile on, so I left no comment.

kborsden
03-26-2016, 02:13 AM
Unfortunately, I have to agree with Mags.

I also haven't commented on your poems which have flooded the critique sub-forum; partly because you haven't taken the time to comment elsewhere and have just dumped multiple pieces, and because I didn't want to be the arsehole to give consistent negative feedback of equal measure to what's been provided here. Nobody likes that. :)

Latina Bunny
03-26-2016, 08:11 PM
I am not an experienced poetry reader, but I think there's something off about the rhythm. To my "ears", anyway, it doesn't have a natural flow.

Is this what they call a free verse kind of poem?

I also felt there is a little too much forced rhyming. Maybe it's because of the rhythm?

I love rhyming, but I think the rhymes in this poem could be cut down a little more, or perhaps had a little more variety.

I love the ideas and the good (patriotic) feelings behind the poem, though. :) It just needs some editing to make it flow better. :)

ETA: I would suggest doing some more research on and more practice on writing poetry meters and rhythm. Maybe read some more poems?

Again, I'm inexperienced when it comes to reading poetry, but I think learning and practicing rhythm and meters or timing could be helpful.

coloneldax
03-26-2016, 09:04 PM
thank you, sounds good

jaus tail
03-27-2016, 09:38 AM
I kinda liked this. Went on reading till the end.

coloneldax
03-27-2016, 06:05 PM
I kinda liked this. Went on reading till the end.

thanks! :-)