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View Full Version : Ouroboros (version 3 and a recording)



Stew21
03-23-2016, 09:50 PM
Version 3:
(also recorded it. It helps me find the rough spots)

https://soundcloud.com/trish-stewart-4/ouroboros

Ouroboros


On another day
years later or before...

we stall on the garden path;
in both step and conversation

You make us dull with non-deeds
again

the end.

You flick switch slither
I hate snakes.
No I won't reconsider.

Spitting sacredly-ever-afters,you spring some symbolic shit about
eternal
returns.

One day...

a mystic tattoos me.
That nasty one-is-the-all slinks down my arm,
chases itself into spirals,
........races to my wrist
........where it coils
andconstricts.

forms a perfect pair of alchemical handcuffs,
to chain me to a fate.

Some day...

You - all charm
.......writhing, standing taller
..........gliding,
become smaller.

I scratch at my arm.

Absence of choice is bliss you said.
.....you can take comfort in this.
Like I should sit in safe captivity

(because some myth
about an afterthought of a woman
was fooled by one like you?

because Ra
walked through hell each night
to be born new?)

Today...

I take the path alone.
I take the long way home.

Along the road
I see a snake
eating the ending
I was hoping to make.


Version 2:
Ouroboros

On another day,
years later or before...

you make us dull with non-deeds.
We stall on the garden path
in both step and conversation

again
the end.

You flick switch slither.

I hate snakes.
No, I will not reconsider.

You spew sacredly-ever-afters -
spring some symbolic shit about
eternal returns.



One day...

a mystic tattoos me.
That nasty one-is-the-all slinks down my arm,
chases itself in spirals,
races to my wrists,
where it coils and constricts,

forms a perfect pair of alchemical handcuffs,
chains me to a fate.


Some day past...

You - all charm.

(Writhing.
Standing taller.
Gliding.
Becoming smaller.)

I scratched at my arm.


"Absence of choice is bliss."
you said,
"You can take comfort in this."

Like I should sit -
call my captivity "safety".


(because some myth
about an afterthought of a woman
was fooled by one of you?

because Ra walked
through hell each night to be born new?)

Today...

I take the path alone.
I take the long way home.

Along the road
I see a fat snake
eating the ending
I was hoping to make.

Version 1:
*just a warning. this is rough around the edges, but I knew if I didn't post it, I never would and I'd rather work it here than fill anymore pages with scribbles. It's been too long in the making*

Ouroboros

On another day,
years later or before...

you make us dull with non-deeds
so we walk the garden path

again the end.

We stall
in both step and conversation.

You flick, switch, slide.
I recoil.

I hate snakes.

You ask me to reconsider.
Springing some symbolic shit about Egypt
and eternal returns on me.
Spewing sacredly-ever-afters.


One day...

a mystic tattoos me.
That nasty one-is-the-all slinks down my arm,
chases itself in spirals, races to my wrists,
where it coils and constricts,

forms a perfect pair of alchemical handcuffs
to chain me to a fate.


Some day past...

You smiled and smirked
and spoke.

All charm.
(writhing, standing taller
gliding, becoming smaller)

Knowing I didn't choose this -
I scratched at my arm.


"It's freedom," you said,
"absence of choice is bliss.
Take comfort in what's already decided."

Like I should sit back and call my captivity "safety".

You were smug; I was cynical.

all because some myth
about an afterthought of a woman
was fooled by one of you.
all because Ra wore you on his crown,
walking through hell each night to be born new.


Today...

I take the path alone.
I take the long way home.
Along the road
I see a gluttonous, self-loving snake
stealing the ending
I was hoping to make.

Stew21
03-23-2016, 09:58 PM
(thanks for the kick in the ass, William. this is the idea I finally started working on after I read A Letter Unwritten).

William Haskins
03-24-2016, 02:49 AM
trish,

this is tremendous work and a daring undertaking. it's unapologetic without losing its elegance.

my favorite part:



One day...

a mystic tattoos me.
That nasty one-is-the-all slinks down my arm,
chases itself in spirals, races to my wrists,
where it coils and constricts,

forms a perfect pair of alchemical handcuffs
to chain me to a fate.

viscerally rendered.

great work. i look forward to witnessing its evolution.

Stew21
03-24-2016, 04:13 AM
Thanks.
It's scruffy still.
Needs polish.
I'll post edits.

Stew21
03-24-2016, 05:25 AM
not sure if this is better. it is slimmer.


Ouroboros

On another day,
years later or before...

you make us dull with non-deeds.
We stall on the garden path
in both step and conversation

again
the end.

You flick switch slither.

I hate snakes.
No, I will not reconsider.

You spew sacredly-ever-afters -
spring some symbolic shit about
eternal returns.



One day...

a mystic tattoos me.
That nasty one-is-the-all slinks down my arm,
chases itself in spirals,
races to my wrists,
where it coils and constricts,

forms a perfect pair of alchemical handcuffs,
chains me to a fate.


Some day past...

You - all charm.

(Writhing.
Standing taller.
Gliding.
Becoming smaller.)

I scratched at my arm.


"Absence of choice is bliss."
you said,
"You can take comfort in this."

Like I should sit -
call my captivity "safety".


(because some myth
about an afterthought of a woman
was fooled by one of you?

because Ra walked
through hell each night to be born new?)

Today...

I take the path alone.
I take the long way home.

Along the road
I see a fat snake
eating the ending
I was hoping to make.

Stew21
03-24-2016, 05:46 AM
it's still clunky to my ear. ALL over the place.
Damn. Probably too soon to have posted. I do think it's headed the right way.
We'll see.

Magdalen
03-24-2016, 06:33 AM
It's the Wild West & I can't help but suggest this:

...

I scratched at my arm.

You hissed,
Absence of choice is bliss.
take comfort in this.

(Shit! as if
I should sit, content
within my captive "safety"
because Ra walked
through hell each night to be born new?)

just my idea of how it might go. I like it and thinks you've got a richly complex tale within an almost ballad-like structure of circle in a circle and, well ouroboros, in later readings! Thanks - look forward to comin' back 'round to this again soon!

Stew21
03-24-2016, 07:11 AM
Thanks Mag.


You always get me. :heart:
Ijust have more to do on it.
Getting there.
Every read i do, i find something else.
Just had to get it rolling.

Stew21
03-24-2016, 05:31 PM
Newest version is posted.
All three versions are in post 1. Easier to compare that way.


Thanks for humoring me. Posting a "not-ready" poem strictly to develop it here is probably a bit obnoxious. It just felt like the right way to handle this one.

Sarita
03-24-2016, 07:36 PM
Oh, this is amazing. Version 3 is so so good. This bit in particular really poked me in the eye.

Absence of choice is bliss you said.
.....you can take comfort in this.
Like I should sit in safe captivity

(because some myth
about an afterthought of a woman
was fooled by one of you?

because Ra
walked through hell each night
to be born new?)

It's brave and smart, and gorgeously executed. I am so glad you shared it. Wow.

Stew21
03-24-2016, 08:12 PM
Thanks Sara.
I'm glad my edits are starting to make a better poem of it.
I appreciate you reading it!

Stew21
03-26-2016, 09:51 PM
Pretty close to final i think. Unless someone has suggestions which i am always happy to take.

I_love_coffee
03-27-2016, 06:57 PM
really enjoyed this. I keep re-reading it and finding new lines to marvel over.

thanks for sharing.

wonderactivist
03-28-2016, 08:16 AM
I love version 3!

Filigree
03-28-2016, 08:55 AM
Powerful good stuff.

Stew21
03-28-2016, 05:21 PM
Thanks, all, for reading and your comments.
Much appreciated.

CassandraW
03-31-2016, 06:55 AM
Gaah! I leave the poetry forum for a week or so, and it suddenly explodes with poems! I have a lot of catching up to do to read everybody's new stuff, but please, fellow poets, know I will!

This is wonderful, Trish. And if you don't mind my saying so, version 3 is a big improvement on version 1 (but you knew that). The imagery and metaphor worked in version 1, but version 3 is much tighter and flows better. I'm glad you left all three versions up -- I found it quite interesting to see how your thoughts progressed and developed.

And I totally get why you had to post it to move forward with it. I do that now and then, when I know otherwise I'll spin in circles. Somehow, seeing it on the screen here makes things jump out at me differently. I can't explain that -- it just is.

My favorite part is the tattoo:


That nasty one-is-the-all slinks down my arm,
chases itself in spirals, races to my wrists,
where it coils and constricts,

forms a perfect pair of alchemical handcuffs
to chain me to a fate.



That will stick with me.

Stew21
03-31-2016, 07:54 AM
I'm glad you're back.
V3 is vastly better than V1. I know.
And yes had to be on this page or it wouldn't have ever met its potential.
I'm glad you liked it.
The tattoo is my favorite part too.

CassandraW
03-31-2016, 07:58 AM
I also particularly like the "Ra" line and the ending (and of course, they all work together).

I'll come back to it again.

Stew21
03-31-2016, 08:00 AM
You'll also like that i had to do several takes to record it.
When i got the same line wrong 3 times, i changed the line because that shit happens for a reason.

Eta: Ra had to be in it. I'm glad you appreciated him.

The ending is one of a handful I've written that feel like they wrote themselves. Had a reservation. Only needed me to show them to their places. I love when that happens.
:)