PDA

View Full Version : indigene



skelly
03-20-2016, 02:52 AM
we stretch moments
into distance

it's about thrust

(a man in a white safari hat
taps the happy monkey
)

don't wake me

or god forbid bleed we
stretch things make things
thin

We make things thin.

(
while happy monkeys
mechanically bang a fake
brass gong)

Kylabelle
03-20-2016, 04:04 AM
Enjoyed reading this, will read again. It seems like something of a departure for you, a new direction of some kind. I hope to have more cogent comments tomorrow when I can focus better.

Glad to see you back here.

skelly
03-20-2016, 01:03 PM
Thanks for giving it a read Kylabelle. This reads and feels very much like a poem I wrote a long time ago called Sudden Understanding Prior to a Boson Meltdown at the Large Hadron Collider. Maybe got me a thing going on here! :D Again, thanks for reading.

kborsden
03-20-2016, 06:15 PM
What I get from my initial read is an indigenous person watching as white man comes along and devalues the beauty of the should-be everlasting nature. The indigenous folk stretch things into the distance = make them last for the future. I get lost on this bit:



don't wake me

or god forbid bleed we
stretch things make things
thin

We make things thin.


The wording of 'god forbid bleed we' and the run on nature into the next line if enjambment is being employed = 'god forbid bleed we stretch things'; I can't quite touch on what you want to say to me in this.

I see by closure that white man, the invader, has commodified and left behind a trademarked fakeness symbolised by (and earlier hinted at) the plastic rippee-tap-tap clanging monkey << I hate those fucking things!

I'm not sure if that's where you were going, but if you were, I feel the poem misses something to make that point with more weight. If not, however, then I don't know :) but something is missing for me.

CassandraW
03-21-2016, 05:16 AM
Skelly, I'm going to admit being utterly at sea with this one. I'll be watching the thread to see if you weigh in on Kie's comments.

skelly
03-21-2016, 07:46 AM
I am only now realizing that this poem is an extension of something that I wrote God knows how long ago. I thank you guys for reading and commenting, and I apologize for putting a poem out here so randomly. That said, your responses and especially Kie's analysis is what made me realize that I had posted a wip. It actually is another of my poems railing against what I call "junk technology" and oddly enough Kie's review is spot on if you just exchange "white invaders" for "new age technology hucksters." I'll rewrite and repost a more cogent version. Again, sorry. I didn't realize at the time I was extending an earlier work. My bad. But thank you for helping me sort this out.

Kylabelle
03-21-2016, 03:54 PM
I look forward to seeing a next version, Scott, and this one, while it may be unnecessarily obscure, did slowly convey its intent to me. So, I like what you did, and I'm sure I'll like even more where it goes next. A message such as this one does beg to be more immediately heard, IMO.

Magdalen
03-22-2016, 08:31 PM
I think I remember the referenced poem (did I like it?) but I don't think I recalled it til you mentioned it. I wondered why the para's were oddly placed. I liked the way you used Curious George & The Man here, and agree with your assessment & others' comments. Very nice to read you again my dear!

CassandraW
03-22-2016, 08:32 PM
It is good to see you back, Skelly. I look forward to reading the revised version.

kborsden
03-22-2016, 08:37 PM
Curious george: man in the yellow hat. I didnt get that reference because of white. Sorry. Not sure if used to be white, but I've always known it to be yellow :)

skelly
03-23-2016, 08:30 AM
Magdaleeeeeeen! Thanks for reading ma'am. For anyone interested, here is the link to the revised and properly placed version of this poem: http://absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?317245-Sudden-Understanding-Prior-to-a-Boson-Meltdown-at-the-Large-Hadron-Collider&p=9780167#post9780167
It's over in the crit section of this poetry forum. I really have to take a moment to point out just how awesomely useful this poetry forum is. I originally posted this as a stand-alone piece and did not realize until I read Kylabelle's comments that what I had written was actually part of a larger work. I then realized that it was part of a larger body of poems that I had already written (all of which needed some serious revision, I might add). Thank you all for reading and commenting because you are helping me firm up some poetic ideas that have been rattling around loose for ... seriously ... like a decade or so. Parts of the revised (and much longer) poem were written over ten years ago. I really appreciate you guys taking the time to read and comment.