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View Full Version : Britain's "Bad Sex" awards are underway for the 2015 entries...



Perks
11-19-2015, 04:58 PM
... and there are some doozies in this crop.

http://www.theguardian.com/books/2015/nov/18/bad-sex-award-2015-the-contenders-in-quotes

http://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/books/news/bad-sex-in-fiction-award-2015-excerpts-morrissey-leads-nominations-with-cringeworthy-list-of-the-a6738201.html#gallery

Honestly, people amaze me. That some of this would pass, upon rereading, the writer's own giggle threshold is somehow fantastic.

jjdebenedictis
11-19-2015, 11:27 PM
I'm at work. I DON'T DARE CLICK.

(But I will when I get home. :evil )

CassandraW
11-19-2015, 11:37 PM
oh, dear.

well, if the authors meant to make me giggle, they succeeded.

Perks
11-19-2015, 11:40 PM
I want to know what a non-intense ovoid would be.

CassandraW
11-19-2015, 11:44 PM
all I know is, if anyone dares to compare my breasts to sheep frolicking in hyssop, I'll smack him across his citrus crescent.

Perks
11-19-2015, 11:51 PM
I do wish he'd been more specific about the "citrus crescent". Is it yellow and pocked like a lemon, or smooth and green like a lime, or is it like when you wedge an orange peel between your lips and gums and grin? What are we talking about here?

Tottie Scone
11-19-2015, 11:52 PM
At least that's a biblical quote, and has the good excuse of translation from an ancient language for being oblique and strange.

What's Morrisey's excuse?

His is my favourite. Some of the others, I'm ashamed to say, I struggle to tell what's wrong with them. This is why I don't write sex scenes. I'd be in with a good shout at winning this.

Kylabelle
11-19-2015, 11:53 PM
I am not reading past the pained frenzy of his bulbous salutation. It might explode.

Perks
11-19-2015, 11:56 PM
I'm not sure that last one is even talking about sex. It sounds more like the lady is having a bad reaction to a dose of bath salts or something.

- - - Updated - - -



What's Morrisey's excuse?

His is my favourite. Yeah, I think he's a shoo-in for the award.

CassandraW
11-20-2015, 12:24 AM
I can only think Morrissey was deliberately trying to be funny. There can be no other explanation for this:


a dangerous and clamorous rollercoaster coil of sexually violent rotation with Eliza’s breasts barrel-rolled across Ezra’s howling mouth

by the way, where exactly is the "otherwise central zone" of the female body?

mirandashell
11-20-2015, 12:39 AM
I have to agree. Morrisey for the win.

I mean, it's not just that the sex is hilarious but how long is that sentence?

Perks
11-20-2015, 12:39 AM
by the way, where exactly is the "otherwise central zone" of the female body?The bellybutton. Duh.

CassandraW
11-20-2015, 12:54 AM
The bellybutton. Duh.

see, this is why I don't write erotica. I simply have no gift for clever euphemisms.

Tazlima
11-20-2015, 01:04 AM
...footprints of a sandpiper like a crotch,

I think due to the reference of "sandy tar paper" earlier in the paragraph (which already sounds distinctly unpleasant), I initially misread this as:


"footprints of a sandpaper-like crotch,"

Ouch.

Then, realizing that couldn't be right, I looked at it again and thought it said:


"footprints of sandpaper like a crotch."

Ouch.

...Maybe I need glasses.

CassandraW
11-20-2015, 01:09 AM
I might need a translator, because I can't figure out what the hell it means. Your versions are indeed unpleasant-sounding, but at least they make sense.

Perks
11-20-2015, 01:52 AM
Yeah, I'm not sure how the footprints of either sandpaper or sandpipers are analogous to crotches. 'Tis a puzzlement.

CassandraW
11-20-2015, 01:57 AM
Yeah, I'm not sure how the footprints of either sandpaper or sandpipers are analogous to crotches. 'Tis a puzzlement.

Hmmm (https://www.flickr.com/photos/diana_r/3457852237/?ytcheck=1).

Excuse me while I retire to the ladies' room with a mirror.


ETA:

Nope. Still don't get it.

Tottie Scone
11-20-2015, 02:10 AM
I get that. Draw a bird's footprint, back toe downwards, 3 front toes up the way.

To react as the character does, you need both a dirty mind and a good knowledge of ornithology.

I have to say, I found the thing with the gallons of milk funny.

Perks
11-20-2015, 02:14 AM
I get that. Draw a bird's footprint, back toe downwards, 3 front toes up the way.

To react as the character does, you need both a dirty mind and a good knowledge of ornithology.

I have to say, I found the thing with the gallons of milk funny.

I'm so very me that I actually looked up what a sandpiper's footprint looks like before I responded upthread. I have a dirty mind and I don't see it.

CassandraW
11-20-2015, 02:40 AM
*glances at photo of footprints*
*glances at mirror*

yeah, still not seeing it. and trust me, I have a dirty mind.

On the milk thing -- I initially read it as "gallons-of-milk-evoking boobs" (i.e., her boobs evoked thoughts of gallons of milk). But now I see (I think) that the writer meant that for Lotto (gads, what a name), looking at gallons of milk generally tended to evoke thoughts of boobs.

Either way, I spent far more time puzzling over that paragraph than it deserved.

Also -- the paragraph notes that Gwennie was "dry." So why did sex with her make him think of "mangoes, split papayas, fruits tart and sweet and dripping with juice"? (Obviously, it made several of us think of sandpaper.) Was it wishful thinking? Or did he have his mind on lunch?

Tazlima
11-20-2015, 03:02 AM
I get that. Draw a bird's footprint, back toe downwards, 3 front toes up the way.

To react as the character does, you need both a dirty mind and a good knowledge of ornithology.

I have to say, I found the thing with the gallons of milk funny.

Interesting. I envisioned it the opposite way, three toes pointing down and back toe pointing up (like a peace sign without the circle). Viewed that way, it vaguely resembles a remarkably well-endowed stick figure with no arms, but it's a stretch.

... I went back and looked at them the way you describe, and I guess you're seeing it as labia majora meeting the line of closed legs?

More than anything, though, they look to me like little arrows saying, "Check it out! I was right over there a minute ago!"

CassandraW
11-20-2015, 03:40 AM
More than anything, though, they look to me like little arrows saying, "Check it out! I was right over there a minute ago!"

What an interesting idea for a tattoo.

Beachgirl
11-20-2015, 08:48 AM
I had a hard time getting passed the "dangerous and clamorous rollercoaster coil of sexually violent rotation..."

I'm pretty sure that would cause whiplash.

jjdebenedictis
11-20-2015, 09:34 AM
A lot of times, the "bad sex" awards strike me as passages taken so badly out of context that of course they sound strange and embarrassing.

Not this year. Eek.

Once!
11-20-2015, 12:40 PM
Oh God.

Writing erotica is hard. Maybe I should rephrase that. Writing erotica is difficult. There are only so many ways to describe what is basically an exercise in engineering and the assembly of flat pack furniture. Insert tab A into slot B.

We want to convey the impression of breathlessness and frenzy so we write long sentences with clauses that tumble over each other. We might want to be coy and find new euphemisms for body parts. We want to describe intense emotional feelings that are very hard (that word again) to put onto paper. Well, just how do you describe an orgasm?

And in our heads we have this amazing perception where our writing is sheer poetry, combined with animal lust, combined with exotic lingerie ... And then we look down on the page and we see that we have written "bulbous salutation", "otherwise central zone", "citrous crescents" and other such twaddle.

I can't write erotica. I have the greatest of respect for those who can. It's very hard.

Morrissey all the way. To be fair (and hopefully within the bounds of RYFW) I don't think that his problems are confined to the sex scenes in his book.

Perks
11-20-2015, 04:59 PM
I had a hard time getting passed the "dangerous and clamorous rollercoaster coil of sexually violent rotation..."

I'm pretty sure that would cause whiplash.At the very least, there's a high likelihood of motion sickness.

Zaffiro
11-21-2015, 03:32 AM
Morrissey wins. Morrissey not only wins, he wins so absolutely and eye-wateringly that there's no point in them ever holding the awards again. That right there was the Bad Sex Nuke.

Introversion
11-21-2015, 05:10 AM
There are only so many ways to describe what is basically an exercise in engineering and the assembly of flat pack furniture. Insert tab A into slot B.

*Spew!* HA! ;)

I now have a new, child-safe euphemism to use with the wife within earshot of the Small One: "Hey, up for some flat-pack furniture assemblage later?" :ROFL:

frimble3
11-21-2015, 07:37 AM
*Spew!* HA! ;)

I now have a new, child-safe euphemism to use with the wife within earshot of the Small One: "Hey, up for some flat-pack furniture assemblage later?" :ROFL:
"Hey, babe, wanna play IKEA later?"

Twick
11-23-2015, 07:35 PM
These are enough to make people swear off sex, and console those who aren't getting any.

It reminds me of an article I read once that said that college professors are the unfortunate recipients of this sort of stuff on a regular basis. Their undergraduate Creative Writing students often try to be adult and edgy about things they actually know relatively little about. Many professors wondered if grading a student's work "F, because the human body can't actually do that!" would be acceptable.

Taylor Harbin
11-23-2015, 07:45 PM
I thought this was about real people being disgruntled and nominating their unsuspecting partners....:tongue

It makes SO MUCH MORE sense now that I've read the articles.

Twick, I'm going to have to find that piece.

Tottie Scone
11-26-2015, 12:35 AM
What even is "sandy tar paper"?

Alessandra Kelley
11-26-2015, 03:58 PM
Even without clicking through to the original article, this thread is wildly entertaining.

Twick
11-26-2015, 07:25 PM
What even is "sandy tar paper"?

It's a building material made of heavy paper with, yes, a thin layer of tar on it. Just the thought of tar paper, reeking of petroleum, with sand stuck in it is an anti-aphrodisiac.

Tottie Scone
11-27-2015, 12:32 PM
What, is it a flooring, then? Like linoleum? It sounds like a description of roofing felt, which makes the scene the more intriguing.

Perks
11-27-2015, 08:46 PM
It's a building material made of heavy paper with, yes, a thin layer of tar on it. Just the thought of tar paper, reeking of petroleum, with sand stuck in it is an anti-aphrodisiac.

You never know. Somebody, somewhere might be into that sort of thing. And they say it takes two, but everyone knows you can get by with one. A kink of one.

Williebee
11-27-2015, 08:53 PM
Are we sure the sandpiper guy wasn't just diddling birds?

aruna
12-07-2015, 11:29 AM
Morrissey won, apparently because he was the most famous. Which ages me terribly, as I had never ever heard of him before this!
Anyway, here's a good guardian article on the whole thing: Did Morrissey deserve the Bad Sex Award? (http://www.theguardian.com/books/booksblog/2015/dec/05/morrissey-list-of-the-lost-bad-sex-award)

Kylabelle
12-07-2015, 03:20 PM
He is now known as Mr. Bulbous Salutation.

Tottie Scone
12-07-2015, 03:22 PM
I'm intrigued by the reference to "our less prim transatlantic cousins" - my overall impression of attitudes either side of the Pond is that sex and nudity are far more likely to cause a stooshie in the States than in the UK.

I think Morrissey thoroughly deserved it because his passage was so impenetrable.

As it were.

CassandraW
12-07-2015, 07:29 PM
morrisey deserved it because his passage made me giggle uncontrollably and go back twice to read it again. it was over-the-top preposterous -- so much so that I believe he wrote it on purpose to win this award. try as I might, I cannot come up with a sex scene half so ridiculously unsexy.

Perks
12-07-2015, 07:36 PM
The only drawback in Morrissey's piece is that I'm not entirely sure he's describing sex. I mean, there's some of the same body parts, but it might be an earthquake that struck while two people were getting dressed.

CassandraW
12-07-2015, 07:46 PM
or perhaps a nudist amusement park catastrophe.

Perks
12-07-2015, 08:03 PM
or perhaps a nudist amusement park catastrophe.

Nailed it.

mirandashell
12-07-2015, 09:11 PM
Oh it's that Morrisey! I didn't even realise it was him. Oh bless!

waylander
12-08-2015, 12:37 AM
Oh it's that Morrisey! I didn't even realise it was him. Oh bless!

yes! Him! Widely known in across the music business as "Mr Happy".

shaldna
12-16-2015, 07:10 PM
I only read this thread today - and i clicked through to the links - I really wish I hadn't. I think I've been put off sex for life.


(or for a little while at least)