Britain's "Bad Sex" awards are underway for the 2015 entries...

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jjdebenedictis

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I'm at work. I DON'T DARE CLICK.

(But I will when I get home. :evil )
 

CassandraW

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oh, dear.

well, if the authors meant to make me giggle, they succeeded.
 

CassandraW

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all I know is, if anyone dares to compare my breasts to sheep frolicking in hyssop, I'll smack him across his citrus crescent.
 

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I do wish he'd been more specific about the "citrus crescent". Is it yellow and pocked like a lemon, or smooth and green like a lime, or is it like when you wedge an orange peel between your lips and gums and grin? What are we talking about here?
 

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At least that's a biblical quote, and has the good excuse of translation from an ancient language for being oblique and strange.

What's Morrisey's excuse?

His is my favourite. Some of the others, I'm ashamed to say, I struggle to tell what's wrong with them. This is why I don't write sex scenes. I'd be in with a good shout at winning this.
 

Kylabelle

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I am not reading past the pained frenzy of his bulbous salutation. It might explode.
 

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I'm not sure that last one is even talking about sex. It sounds more like the lady is having a bad reaction to a dose of bath salts or something.

- - - Updated - - -

What's Morrisey's excuse?

His is my favourite.
Yeah, I think he's a shoo-in for the award.
 

CassandraW

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I can only think Morrissey was deliberately trying to be funny. There can be no other explanation for this:

a dangerous and clamorous rollercoaster coil of sexually violent rotation with Eliza’s breasts barrel-rolled across Ezra’s howling mouth

by the way, where exactly is the "otherwise central zone" of the female body?
 

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I have to agree. Morrisey for the win.

I mean, it's not just that the sex is hilarious but how long is that sentence?
 

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...footprints of a sandpiper like a crotch,

I think due to the reference of "sandy tar paper" earlier in the paragraph (which already sounds distinctly unpleasant), I initially misread this as:

"footprints of a sandpaper-like crotch,"

Ouch.

Then, realizing that couldn't be right, I looked at it again and thought it said:

"footprints of sandpaper like a crotch."

Ouch.

...Maybe I need glasses.
 
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CassandraW

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I might need a translator, because I can't figure out what the hell it means. Your versions are indeed unpleasant-sounding, but at least they make sense.
 

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Yeah, I'm not sure how the footprints of either sandpaper or sandpipers are analogous to crotches. 'Tis a puzzlement.
 

CassandraW

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Yeah, I'm not sure how the footprints of either sandpaper or sandpipers are analogous to crotches. 'Tis a puzzlement.

Hmmm.

Excuse me while I retire to the ladies' room with a mirror.


ETA:

Nope. Still don't get it.
 
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Tottie Scone

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I get that. Draw a bird's footprint, back toe downwards, 3 front toes up the way.

To react as the character does, you need both a dirty mind and a good knowledge of ornithology.

I have to say, I found the thing with the gallons of milk funny.
 

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I get that. Draw a bird's footprint, back toe downwards, 3 front toes up the way.

To react as the character does, you need both a dirty mind and a good knowledge of ornithology.

I have to say, I found the thing with the gallons of milk funny.

I'm so very me that I actually looked up what a sandpiper's footprint looks like before I responded upthread. I have a dirty mind and I don't see it.
 

CassandraW

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*glances at photo of footprints*
*glances at mirror*

yeah, still not seeing it. and trust me, I have a dirty mind.

On the milk thing -- I initially read it as "gallons-of-milk-evoking boobs" (i.e., her boobs evoked thoughts of gallons of milk). But now I see (I think) that the writer meant that for Lotto (gads, what a name), looking at gallons of milk generally tended to evoke thoughts of boobs.

Either way, I spent far more time puzzling over that paragraph than it deserved.

Also -- the paragraph notes that Gwennie was "dry." So why did sex with her make him think of "mangoes, split papayas, fruits tart and sweet and dripping with juice"? (Obviously, it made several of us think of sandpaper.) Was it wishful thinking? Or did he have his mind on lunch?
 
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Tazlima

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I get that. Draw a bird's footprint, back toe downwards, 3 front toes up the way.

To react as the character does, you need both a dirty mind and a good knowledge of ornithology.

I have to say, I found the thing with the gallons of milk funny.

Interesting. I envisioned it the opposite way, three toes pointing down and back toe pointing up (like a peace sign without the circle). Viewed that way, it vaguely resembles a remarkably well-endowed stick figure with no arms, but it's a stretch.

... I went back and looked at them the way you describe, and I guess you're seeing it as labia majora meeting the line of closed legs?

More than anything, though, they look to me like little arrows saying, "Check it out! I was right over there a minute ago!"
 

CassandraW

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More than anything, though, they look to me like little arrows saying, "Check it out! I was right over there a minute ago!"

What an interesting idea for a tattoo.
 

Beachgirl

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I had a hard time getting passed the "dangerous and clamorous rollercoaster coil of sexually violent rotation..."

I'm pretty sure that would cause whiplash.
 

jjdebenedictis

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A lot of times, the "bad sex" awards strike me as passages taken so badly out of context that of course they sound strange and embarrassing.

Not this year. Eek.
 

Once!

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Oh God.

Writing erotica is hard. Maybe I should rephrase that. Writing erotica is difficult. There are only so many ways to describe what is basically an exercise in engineering and the assembly of flat pack furniture. Insert tab A into slot B.

We want to convey the impression of breathlessness and frenzy so we write long sentences with clauses that tumble over each other. We might want to be coy and find new euphemisms for body parts. We want to describe intense emotional feelings that are very hard (that word again) to put onto paper. Well, just how do you describe an orgasm?

And in our heads we have this amazing perception where our writing is sheer poetry, combined with animal lust, combined with exotic lingerie ... And then we look down on the page and we see that we have written "bulbous salutation", "otherwise central zone", "citrous crescents" and other such twaddle.

I can't write erotica. I have the greatest of respect for those who can. It's very hard.

Morrissey all the way. To be fair (and hopefully within the bounds of RYFW) I don't think that his problems are confined to the sex scenes in his book.
 
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