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skelly
09-05-2015, 06:47 AM
beneath an
earthshine
moon

away from the
neon
ho chi minh

at an angle
perpendicular
to the present

the city reeks
of prop wash
and scarred souls

and the temple
buddha
bleeds

Kylabelle
09-05-2015, 07:40 AM
I like this. Forgive me, it's not the kind of thing I like to say "like" about but it's late in my brain tonight.

Could you consider losing the "and" beginning last stanza?

CassandraW
09-05-2015, 11:22 PM
agree with kyla on the "and," but I like, particularly "at an angle perpendicular to the present."

zarada
09-06-2015, 12:24 AM
i think you could reduce the line breaks for better flow, especially between 1 and 2, and maybe 3 & 4. nice work otherwise.

ETA: Whoops, this ain't 'critique' the poetry, is it. sorry.

CassandraW
09-06-2015, 12:35 AM
Our forum mods have said that it's fine to offer suggestions in this part of the forum.

I post here because I think more people read stuff in here (because no password is required). Comments and suggestions are welcome, if people are inclined.

If you really want no comments, there is always chapbook.

skelly
09-06-2015, 12:52 AM
I don't mind the critiques at all...here or anywhere. Thank you all for reading and commenting. I am particularly interested in the comments about the last "and." In my ear, without it, the poem sounds stilted. Zarada, I will experiment with those line breaks and see what it looks like. Thank you for the suggestion.

Kylabelle
09-06-2015, 01:07 AM
I get what you're saying about that "and". And, it's a minor point (to me) either way.