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jst5150
09-04-2015, 08:39 AM
I've removed this poem. Thanks.

Kylabelle
09-04-2015, 03:06 PM
Hi Jason, I like what you're doing here, as I read it, contrasting raw lifeforce (soul power perhaps) with the result of various erosions upon it.

The final two stanzas are the strongest for me; the beginning could be stronger with some tightening. The "-ation" rhymes sound forced, for instance.

Also in the very beginning, the use of "gallant steeds" implies less-than-wild horses, not feral, but ridden, serving the needs of masters gallantly, etc. so maybe rephrase that bit.

Thanks for posting!

William Haskins
09-04-2015, 04:23 PM
i missed it.

Kylabelle
09-04-2015, 04:32 PM
I guess I did too.

CassandraW
09-04-2015, 06:32 PM
I took down one of mine once to do a bit more twiddling with it; I reposted it after I was done. I hope you'll do the same, jst.

William Haskins
09-04-2015, 11:06 PM
i once took one down after threat of legal sanction by disney for what they termed "wholesale appropriation of our brand's doe-eyed optimism."

CassandraW
09-04-2015, 11:21 PM
If you have a fault, William, doe-eyed optimism is surely it. You need not steal from Disney.

William Haskins
09-04-2015, 11:24 PM
i think it was my soft spot for the name bambi.

CassandraW
09-04-2015, 11:26 PM
I knew we were kindred souls. I have always favored Thumper.

Sarita
09-05-2015, 08:00 AM
I hope this comes back. Always enjoy your poetry, Jt.