Hello!
I've been querying agents on and off for the past three years and have had no takers. Some only ask for a query letter and the first five pages, but some ask for as much as fifty pages. That's approximately the first three chapters of my manuscript. Maybe these chapters need a little something more. Maybe there's too much information crammed in those fifty pages. I'm not sure what could be so unattractive about the beginning of my manuscript. I need a third opinion. Here's a the query letter:
According to a witness, they heard a woman’s scream, the accusations of a drunken man, and gunfire. The house burned along with the evidence. What really happened is unclear, but one thing was for certain: Greg Wilson was dead.
His friends mourned, healed, and eventually moved on.
But not Katie.
Sure, she started Fae High and improved her Fire summoning skills. She caught the eye of Michael Earthline, the handsome and honorable leader of the Winged Riders. She became known as the only one of Queen Katery’s descendants who didn’t flaunt her ancestry to get attention and special treatment.
But Greg never left her.
The friend who had always looked out for her when he’d been alive seems to have stuck around to yank her out of harm’s way. And if he’s close enough to keep saving her, he’s close enough to talk to.
The only way to do that is to break the rules and delve into Dark Magic. But that’s okay, right? It’s just to say goodbye and tell him how she’s always felt about him. Then she can let him go and his spirit can rest. A Warlock in the book Katie read tried it and it worked for him. What could go wrong?
Another spirit could come through for starters. The spirit of a Minotaur tyrant bent on revenge could come back, and throw the peaceful isle of Ether into chaos. Tanna, who has been adamantly looking for a way to smudge some dirt on her perfect cousin’s name, could be presented with the perfect opportunity. Everyone could suddenly be in mortal peril because of this one choice.
But Katie goes into the forest anyway. And life will never be the same.
Please send me a private message if interested.
Thanks!
I've been querying agents on and off for the past three years and have had no takers. Some only ask for a query letter and the first five pages, but some ask for as much as fifty pages. That's approximately the first three chapters of my manuscript. Maybe these chapters need a little something more. Maybe there's too much information crammed in those fifty pages. I'm not sure what could be so unattractive about the beginning of my manuscript. I need a third opinion. Here's a the query letter:
According to a witness, they heard a woman’s scream, the accusations of a drunken man, and gunfire. The house burned along with the evidence. What really happened is unclear, but one thing was for certain: Greg Wilson was dead.
His friends mourned, healed, and eventually moved on.
But not Katie.
Sure, she started Fae High and improved her Fire summoning skills. She caught the eye of Michael Earthline, the handsome and honorable leader of the Winged Riders. She became known as the only one of Queen Katery’s descendants who didn’t flaunt her ancestry to get attention and special treatment.
But Greg never left her.
The friend who had always looked out for her when he’d been alive seems to have stuck around to yank her out of harm’s way. And if he’s close enough to keep saving her, he’s close enough to talk to.
The only way to do that is to break the rules and delve into Dark Magic. But that’s okay, right? It’s just to say goodbye and tell him how she’s always felt about him. Then she can let him go and his spirit can rest. A Warlock in the book Katie read tried it and it worked for him. What could go wrong?
Another spirit could come through for starters. The spirit of a Minotaur tyrant bent on revenge could come back, and throw the peaceful isle of Ether into chaos. Tanna, who has been adamantly looking for a way to smudge some dirt on her perfect cousin’s name, could be presented with the perfect opportunity. Everyone could suddenly be in mortal peril because of this one choice.
But Katie goes into the forest anyway. And life will never be the same.
Please send me a private message if interested.
Thanks!
I don't have time to beta read right now, but I'll answer your other questions if you're up for it 
. I think the problem here, or at least the one I can think of right now that may be putting off all these agents, is the query itself. There's a thread on this forum that deals with queries and how to get them right and on their way to success. 
Have a nice day now, and good luck! 