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Atlantis
08-07-2015, 07:28 AM
The little boy strokes his toy gun
He is tired of being good, it’s time to have some fun!
With a grin, he runs off down the path
Oh this is going to make him laugh!
Voices up ahead, it’s them, it’s Bruce and Deb!
Quickly, now, hide behind the tree
And count to one, two, three
Now jump out, raise the gun and shout, “Pow! Pow!”
And watch your friends gasp and shriek and run about!
The boy is older now, a man grown, with children of his own
He lives alone, just him and his cat, in a tired and dirty old flat
His children never come to visit anymore, they consider it a chore.
He sits down in his favourite chair, and despairs
He is so lonely, why doesn’t anyone care?
He goes to his room and opens a box
He takes out a gun, pulls the trigger, and that’s it he’s done
The little boy is back now, watch him run
Through a beautiful garden, under a blazing sun
Clutching his favourite toy gun.

Madelyn
08-07-2015, 06:56 PM
wow.
ouch.
OUCH.
THAT'S NOT WHERE I THOUGHT THIS WAS GOING.
That's some really sad stuff, man.

ANYWAY.
The rhyming feels really awkward here, especially when where the rhymes are break pattern. ex:

The little boy strokes his toy gun
He is tired of being good, it’s time to have some fun!
With a grin, he runs off down the path
Oh this is going to make him laugh!
Voices up ahead, it’s them, it’s Bruce and Deb!

Because ahead and Deb are in the same line, the rhyme comes much too quickly, and we're not expecting it. If this is intentional, it works, but as narrative goes, it's not the most crucial part of the poem.

The use of exclamation point in the first half of the poem makes the transition from Boyhood! to Sad old man! really rocky. Again, it's not expected, and can be used to your advantage if you showed a little space between the two halves - through starting a new stanza or something like.

Though morbid, the image of a "toy" gun is well-used, I think.

:)

Atlantis
08-08-2015, 03:06 AM
Hi thanks! I'm doing this for a class so I'm still learning how to write poems. I knew there were some problems with this one I'm still getting the hang of structure and patterns. I'll work on fixing the things you pointed out. It was very sad wasn't it? I wrote it without any idea of where it was going and was like oh wow that went dark quick lol.

poetinahat
08-08-2015, 01:08 PM
I'm with Madelyn here. This is a fearful, sad tale, and the twist is hard and painful.

I think some revision will help a great deal, to get the rhythm and meter right. Or, really, decide if you want them.

My own general rule (maybe not yours, though, and mine might be wrong) is that if the lines rhyme, then they should stay in the same meter/rhythm. Rhymes lead us to expect a beat. (Not 100% exact, because if it's too consistent, you might end up with a nursery rhyme. But enough so that there's a pattern established.)


But maybe rhyme isn't needed - maybe the freer form of the lines is more important.

That's the first thing I'd consider: go full rhyme, or let it go. But the middle ground, where the rhymes are strong but the rhythm isn't, is perilous to me.

The main thing to me is the image - the story, the idea. In that respect, I think you've got a beauty here. Just think a bit about the execution, maybe, and which way you might want to go. I think the rhyme's promising, myself.

I wish you well with this, and I hope that if you revise it, you'll post an update. I'd love to read it.

Kylabelle
08-08-2015, 01:17 PM
The little boy strokes his toy gun
He is tired of being good, itís time to have some fun!
With a grin, he runs off down the path
Oh this is going to make him laugh!
Voices up ahead, itís them, itís Bruce and Deb!
Quickly, now, hide behind the tree
And count to one, two, three
Now jump out, raise the gun and shout, ďPow! Pow!Ē
And watch your friends gasp and shriek and run about!
The boy is older now, a man grown, with children of his own
He lives alone, just him and his cat, in a tired and dirty old flat
His children never come to visit anymore, they consider it a chore.
He sits down in his favourite chair, and despairs
He is so lonely, why doesnít anyone care?
He goes to his room and opens a box
He takes out a gun, pulls the trigger, and thatís it heís done
The little boy is back now, watch him run
Through a beautiful garden, under a blazing sun
Clutching his favourite toy gun.

First, let me say this is a powerful piece! I also expected it to take a different direction; the twist is excellent and surprising and satisfying to read -- it carries its own weight.

I also agree that the piece would benefit from some polishing. However, I don't think it needs very much! In principle I agree with poetinahat about consistency; in this instance I think the rhythm and rhyme mostly work, except for the lines I've highlighted, which could be smoothed into the pattern pretty simply.

Good luck with it and please do post any revision.