How to properly portray a married couple with a significant age gap?

Yair . . .

stardustx

Is this really an issue by the time a woman is in her mid twenties?

I have ten years on my wife, and have never given it a second thought.

To my mind, sixteen . . . twenty-six, a bit iffy, twenty six . . . thirty six who gives a damn.


Cheers.

Google "Billy Joel".

caw

Mid twenties and mid thirties is very different than mid twenties and mid forties.
at least perception wise. The first is fairly normal, the second can raise eyebrows.
I'd worry less about the age difference and just write the characters as they are.
you write them as a loving couple, happy together, and content.
Age is just a number - and once you're past 21, it's all relative.
(so speaks the woman who at 23 married a man who was 43... No we did not last. Divorced after 14 years, but it had nothing to do with the age difference)

I'd suggest you just show them as being in love then. Age gaps where the man is older seem to work out quite often. My mother in law's second husband recently turned 80, and she's in her early sixties, and they're very much in love. The hardest part for her is seeing him getting older and having health issues and knowing she'll likely have to nurse him through his end of life (and not so long after having to do the same for her parents). But that's something that's way off on the horizon when one person is 27 and the other is 40.

As for familial disapproval. Would there be that much, really? It's still pretty common for women to marry men ten or more years their senior (especially on second marriages), though the reverse is less frequent. I could see parents being freaked if an 18-21 year old woman brings a guy in this thirties home, but once you're in your late twenties, I can't imagine an age gap like that would raise many eyebrows. Look at Hollywood. Nearly all movie parings have women in their 20s or early thirties being cast as the love interests for guys in their 40s and 50s. In fact, an actor in her late 30s was recently deemed too old to play the love interest of a 55 year old male actor.

If you want to show a more unusual pairing that will get raised eyebrows and some familial disapproval have the woman be the one who is significantly older. Then everyone will be asking him, "But how can she give you children, and what will you do when she's old and wrinkly and you're just entering 'distinguished' male middle age?"

Age difference plays a major role in my WIP, so I've thought a lot about this. Like RKarina said, the most important thing will be to portray a healthy, loving relationship, regardless of the characters' ages. As for it being a unique real-life situation, I know plenty of couples with ten, twelve, even fourteen years between them. The same factors that dictate the success of any relationship apply here: trust, communication, respect, understanding, etc. Whether or not your MCs face flack from friends and family depends on how you write those characters. If you want the story to be an examination of how age gaps complicate romance, you could bring attention to generational variations in values, pop culture, etc. Or, you could operate from the standpoint that as long as the age difference matters more to others than it does to them, they're happy.

When I mentioned to my mother that I was looking for examples of couples with wide age gaps, she suggested I look up Celine Dion and Rene Angelil. There's a 26-year age difference between them and they're still together. I found this interview (Youtube link) particularly insightful.

I'm nine years younger than my husband. I was 22 when we met and my friends were a little . Partly because he had a 2 yr old daughter, and had just gotten a divorce, and we were fresh out of college. But mostly they were bothered by how much older her was than me. My dad was REALLY bothered. He was super suspicious. But it all worked out and we've been married *ahem number* of years. A lot of them. The thing is, we liked a lot of the same things, and that kept our ages from meaning much.

Honestly, 10 yrs isn't that big a difference. No one looked at me as a gold digger, or him as creepy. Maybe a 20 yr difference might make that aspect more pronounced, but it would depend on each person's situation. And if two people are in obviously in love, friends and family tend to fall in line.

My man is almost double my age and I'm in my twenties. We have been married 5 years and known each other for 7. I'm kind of shocked you say "one of the rare instances where this actually works" because I know plenty of people with an age gap that have very happy relationships.

I'd be happy to answer any questions for you. I'm actually on a phone right now and I don't feel like typing a big long thing. I'll get in touch again when I get home to a real keyboard.

This is website is probably dead now, but a few years ago I was very active on this age gap forum. There's lots of good past threads to read if you want to see what kinds of problems age gap couples have (news flash: 99% of these problems are the exact same as same-age couples.) http://www.mindtheagegap.com/forum/index.php

ok, this phone keyboard is driving me nuts. Gatta go!

ElaineA said:

I'm nine years younger than my husband. I was 22 when we met and my friends were a little . Partly because he had a 2 yr old daughter, and had just gotten a divorce, and we were fresh out of college. But mostly they were bothered by how much older her was than me. My dad was REALLY bothered. He was super suspicious. But it all worked out and we've been married *ahem number* of years. A lot of them. The thing is, we liked a lot of the same things, and that kept our ages from meaning much.

Honestly, 10 yrs isn't that big a difference. No one looked at me as a gold digger, or him as creepy. Maybe a 20 yr difference might make that aspect more pronounced, but it would depend on each person's situation. And if two people are in obviously in love, friends and family tend to fall in line.

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This is very similar to how my parents met (10 year age difference), previous marriage, kid, and all. They were happily married for 40 years until my father's death a few years ago and he was just the greatest dad. (He was a doting husband too. In the years before his death he nursed my mother through her cancer and subsequent reconstructive surgeries).

Despite all his good qualities, though, my maternal grandmother still hates him for...I don't know if "seducing" is the right word, but she was highly suspicious of this older man marrying her daughter. 43 years later and she still hasn't forgiven him. That said, no one can hold a ridiculous grudge like my grandmother. Her husband, who died in 1978, made an extravagant purchase of a new radio without consulting her sometime back when radios were the hottest new gizmo on the market. Grandma's still mad about that too.

My father is 17 years older than my stepmother, and she was in her mid-twenties when they met. They've been together for 25 years now.

She isn't and wasn't ever a trophy wife - someone to show off at parties or to friends. They're both very down-to-earth and have what I'd consider a very normal marriage where they both share the chores, curl up together on the sofa to watch tv, coordinate dropping the kids off at school, etc.

Just to chime in and agree with those who don't consider it to be an issue...

I met my now-husband when I was 28; he's 11 years older than me. He was just at the upper end of the age range that I felt comfortable with then, and I'm so glad I didn't rule him out as too old for me! (Or him me, for being too young.)

I never think about it these days, though I know he does sometimes, as he's more sensible than me and thinks about the distant future more - old age, financial provision in retirement, etc. I just say, 'It'll all be fiiiiiine.' But then I'm planning to become a bigtime bestselling author, dontchaknow...

About the only time I notice it at all is with the sort of thing StoryofWoe mentioned - if my husband mentions some pop culture reference I've never heard of, and then says, 'You're too young' or 'I'm an old git.' And then we pull faces at each other. We're growing older, but we don't plan on growing up!

14 year difference between the wife and I. PM me and pick my brain if you want.

My parents were almost 15 years apart and happily married for almost 35 years until my dad passed away. But they met as peers, in the same college class, because my dad worked for a long time before continuing his education. My mom's mother never did approve, but that was at least as much to do with the fact that my dad wasn't Catholic (neither was my mom at that point, but she didn't "come out" to her mom until later). Nothing to do with "gold-digging" as neither of them had any money at that point. There were some generational differences, as my dad grew up during the Depression, and my mom in the post-war years.

I think, like with most things, the couples that fit the stereotypes you mention are a small percentage of the whole. There's nothing that unique or unusual about a happy couple with an age gap.

Coming from a non-Western background, it was very common for women to be married to a man older than them (not talking child marriages, before anyone jumps to conclusions).

My mum and dad have a 9 year gap, as do some of my aunts and uncles, and my grandparents 13. My grandmother was married at 15 (okay yes, now we're in a child marriage), but in 1940s Kenya she wasn't really considered a child, and from what I could see they've always considered each other equals.

I think if in your work the age ever comes up between the couple (apart from jokes or in passing - like it has an actual effect on how they communicate or live), then they may not be seen as as loving and equal as you'd want. Most couples with a reasonably significant (but still small) age gap, as in your WIP, are in fact perfectly okay as long as the age does not cause some sort of conflict or patronisation. At least in my experience.

totally agree with Cassandra that to be eye brow raising, make the woman older. a good friend has ten years on her guy. They're doing fine but people do have opinions about it (which thankfully she ignores)

I;m thirteen years younger, no issue at all for us or friends, that I know of anyway! I would not say age is always irrelevant because it sure can be to many couples. Mostly because it highlights other differences, in lifestyle activities, music, values, and so forth.
Not a deal for us because we are very similar!

I dated a man almost 60 years older than myself for a bit. I was sixteen at the time There was nothing creepy about it. He was helping me learn French and we shared similar tastes in books and board games. He was a sweet kind man. There wasn't any sex and it was an entirely friend based thing. At 75 he was fit, healthy and still a very handsome looking man. We talked we laughed, occasionally held hands and had the occasional kiss. I think society got in the way from his point of view - I didn't care. I'd rather date/marry a good older man, that I get along with, who is many years older than myself than a young man who treats me badly or who bores the backside off me. Or now I'm middle-aged I wouldn't mind dating a younger man.

Age has little to do with friendship. At 25 I met a friend who I adored and was very close to. She was only 11 but I never noticed the age except we had to ask her parents for permission to go places. I've got other friends in their 90s.

I think it depends on the individuals whether or not something is creepy.

Mr. Putt is 9 years older than I am, and honestly, I rarely feel the age gap. We share typical coupley stuff like me nagging him about his health (recently I had to hold his paw while he got his blood drawn to check his cholesterol levels).

But the gap really does depend on the person. I had an ex who was 6 years older than me, but from the way he behaved, you'd think he was 20 years older. He'd often sigh when I said stuff he disagreed with, and go, "Oh sweetie, maybe it's because you're so young..." It made me feel way too juvenile to go out with him, which may indeed be the case, but funnily enough I never felt that way with Mr. Putt.

So whether or not you want to show an age gap would depend on your characters. Are they the type to notice such things and mention them? Or are they around the same age mentally and only rarely do they ever feel that gap?

Please remember this forum is not intended for speculation on how you think the author should implement the issue they're asking foe input on.

I think we're just trying to help her think through the way significant age gaps do and don't present a problem (and when and why), in our experience, both in terms of the relationship itself and in terms of how others outside the relationship perceive it. She asked for input on "how to properly portray a couple with a significant age gap," so that seemed relevant, at least to me.

But if that's not appropriate, I'll shut up.

stardustx said:

Thank you to everyone for your insight and for opening my eyes to how an age gap doesn't have to matter with a loving married couple. I really appreciate everything shared with me from those who've posted on this topic. I don't want the age difference to be an issue between the couple themselves, but perhaps a slight issue with those around them, regarding how others perceive it.

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In my experience with my own age-gap relationship, (and my other friends in AGR) the bolded sentence seems to be the most common thing that's unique to these relationships. (Take that with a grain of salt because even then I've seen plenty of same-age couples with parents who didn't approve for one reason or another. "He has tattoos, you can't date him." "She curses too much and has no manners, don't date her.") Anyways, because the age-gap is very visible, especially in public, it can throw other people off guard. I know my most nerve wracking experience in my AGR was when I told my family his age. My dad didn't like it - he still doesn't like it but tough. He'll get over it one day. Once that was over we've literally had no issues in our relationship in regards to age. Hahaha, we have plenty of other issues but the issues we have are the exact same issues my sisters and her fiancee have and they're only ten months apart. Our bickering isn't related to ages. It's personality.

Anyways, my guy is *mumble*twentysomething*mumble* years older than me. I've gotten that embarrassing, "Is he your dad?" remark a few times. I usually answer "No" and don't give any explanation and go on my way. Because age is so visible in our society, it's something people are immediately judged on. In reverse, my man and I are both in the same industry. I've been in professional settings and people pick up our relationship right away. They see the way my man and I interact and a lot of time they're frank and simply ask if we're together. I always appreciate it when they do. Some people see us as father/daughter and some people see us in a relationship. It really depends on the person looking at us. Some people are cool with it. Others can't wrap their minds around it so they interpret our closeness as father-daughter.

We like to give people definitions like their race, their gender, their age, etc. It's human nature to classify each other, so it makes sense that having a relationship with someone out of your age bracket makes people uncomfortable. Then again, other people might not blink an eye. I think if you tap in on that the story will be pretty accurate.

Feel free to PM me if you have any other questions.

CassandraW said:

I think we're just trying to help her think through the way significant age gaps do and don't present a problem (and when and why), in our experience, both in terms of the relationship itself and in terms of how others outside the relationship perceive it. She asked for input on "how to properly portray a couple with a significant age gap," so that seemed relevant, at least to me.

But if that's not appropriate, I'll shut up.

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That's not appropriate for Story Research, no.

Ok. I'm out.

Cath said:

That's not appropriate for Story Research, no.

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Just curious then, how would you answer the OP's question? If we aren't supposed to give our personal experiences for a question like this I'm unsure of how to offer insight.