Why write a novel?

Are they trolling, badly, or is it just me?

Osulagh said:

Are they trolling, badly, or is it just me?

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Hah. Nope, not just you.

namejohn said:

Why do writers want to write novels? If a novel starts at 80,000 words. The novel is going to be boring for any reader. Nobody has nothing new to write, they're just repeating themselves.

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Exactly, namejohn. Exactly.

Writers may want to write just to write, but novelists want to pursue a higher calling--they want to forge a new and stronger being out of the mushy senseless reader. How does one do this?

With suffering. And there is no kind of suffering that begets greater feats of strength, courage, artistic creation, religious fervor, and pure triumphs of human spirit than the silkiest form of unadulterated distilled boredom. A novel must thus be at least 80,000 words, or ideally 400,000 or more, for the full effects of boredom to seep into all of the many folds and interstices and fissures of the odd-shaped brain. Bad novels fail to take their readers to true levels of profound boredom, skimming just a few inches off the ground of entertainment. But the greatest novels soar into the stratosphere of dullness, burning up the ozone with the heat of monotony, igniting the reader's soul, nay, flaying it alive, demanding, screaming, shouting, fiating that it do something in response, lest it be whited out in a pinprick like a bug's feces under a magnifying glass, compelling it to build a monument, wage war, have sex, knit socks, paint ceilings, dress up as characters from Downton Abbey, drink absinthe, smoke formaldehyde, eat rhinoceros penises, hunt whales, make pottery, rule a nation--anything, the pith of the human drive, the arbiter of the war between inertia and impulse, o, what high art is boredom!

Thus is the stagnant human carcass re-formed into a human being.

This is the calling of the true novelist.

namejohn said:

Why do writers want to write novels? If a novel starts at 80,000 words. The novel is going to be boring for any reader. Nobody has nothing new to write, they're just repeating themselves.

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Well, this post has been done before. Yet here you are.

buzhidao said:

Exactly, namejohn. Exactly.

Writers may want to write just to write, but novelists want to pursue a higher calling--they want to forge a new and stronger being out of the mushy senseless reader. How does one do this?

With suffering. And there is no kind of suffering that begets greater feats of strength, courage, artistic creation, religious fervor, and pure triumphs of human spirit than the silkiest form of unadulterated distilled boredom. A novel must thus be at least 80,000 words, or ideally 400,000 or more, for the full effects of boredom to seep into all of the many folds and interstices and fissures of the odd-shaped brain. Bad novels fail to take their readers to true levels of profound boredom, skimming just a few inches off the ground of entertainment. But the greatest novels soar into the stratosphere of dullness, burning up the ozone with the heat of monotony, igniting the reader's soul, nay, flaying it alive, demanding, screaming, shouting, fiating that it do something in response, lest it be whited out in a pinprick like a bug's feces under a magnifying glass, compelling it to build a monument, wage war, have sex, knit socks, paint ceilings, dress up as characters from Downton Abbey, drink absinthe, smoke formaldehyde, eat rhinoceros penises, hunt whales, make pottery, rule a nation--anything, the pith of the human drive, the arbiter of the war between inertia and impulse, o, what high art is boredom!

Thus is the stagnant human carcass re-formed into a human being.

This is the calling of the true novelist.

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Just memorializing this for our future enjoyment.

namejohn said:

If a novel starts at 80,000 words.

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...then...what? If a novel starts at 80,000 words, then what?

(FYI, the reason I write is to write a 79,999-word story and pass it off as a novel. Muahahahahah!)

Badly, badly wanting to violate RYFW right now...but I won't.

The short answer: because we can.

I think a bikkie and a glass of milk would be a good idea.

And maybe some

namejohn said:

Why do writers want to write novels? If a novel starts at 80,000 words. The novel is going to be boring for any reader. Nobody has nothing new to write, they're just repeating themselves.

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My novel finishes at 80,000 words. Is that where I've been going wrong?

And the Oscar for most transparent, obvious troll attempt goes to....

namejohn said:

Why do writers want to write novels? If a novel starts at 80,000 words. The novel is going to be boring for any reader. Nobody has nothing new to write, they're just repeating themselves.

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Isn't that a double negative meaning "everybody has something?"

And if you feel you have nothing new to write and intend to bore the reader, then yes, why are you writing?

Why do singers sing? Why do drummers drum? Guitarists play? Not only to satisfy an inner urge to share the things that make them feel alive, but to nourish the dry, crusty souls of those who think every story, every note, every resonant beat, is a waste of time.

A novel doesn't have to be 80,000 words.

Writers gonna write.

Why do directors make movies? If a movie starts at 90 minutes. The movie is going to be boring for any viewer. Nobody has nothing new to film, they're just repeating themselves.

Why does TV have series? If a series starts at 13 episodes. The show is going to be boring for any viewer. Nobody has nothing new to say, they're just repeating themselves.

Why do game have levels...

No. I think I'll stop there. I've not got nothing new to add.

Because I'm not good at anything else.

Sage said:

Any reader? All of them? Maybe we should take a poll to make sure your statistics suggesting 100% boredom are true
.

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A poll! A poll!!! I wanna poll!

Well, no novel means no movie deal. No movie deal means no hot star plays the lead. No hot star means no torrid love affair... and no whirlwind marriage, quickie divorce, and taking him for millions plus the Hawaii vacation home.

Basically, I'm in it for the money and getting laid. As, I suspect, most of us are. Writing is, after all, the quickest and surest path to fame and fortune.

Aw, heck. For years, I've been telling people I'm a novelist. But my three published novels books are only 72-75K words each. What's the best way to apologize for deceiving everyone?

Marlys said:

Aw, heck. For years, I've been telling people I'm a novelist. But my three published novels books are only 72-75K words each. What's the best way to apologize for deceiving everyone?

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Two ways spring to mind:
1- Write a lengthy afterword apologizing for the mistake. Make it long enough to ironically push your stories into novel turf.

2- Chocolate. Lots and lots of chocolate.