Surreal retail moments - share here!

Ravioli · Feb 14, 2015

Have you ever worked at a pet shop and started wondering if you really wanted kids? Yeah. Like, we're not paid to babysit and neglect actual customers and profits so we can answer kids' questions on what the fish are called - as in, first names. Not species.

Anyone else got surreal retail stories to share?
One day I'm publishing my pet shop memoirs. I am already incorporating some in my current WIP.

It's surreal, working at a pet shop. These people literally shush you when you truthfully say that that overrated food they want is no good for their dog's health and you got better.

They scream at you and call you abusive when you GENTLY brush off their kid's hand when it touches a rabbit you said 1000 times not to touch; they came just to pet animals when there are five signs telling you not to.

Hamsters go missing.

Dogs hike their legs everywhere and no owner ever feels like asking for a rug to mop it up themselves, no, we get to price down stuff that has been damaged by dog piss because, minimum wage totally covers salespeople mopping up dog piss. Off the goods, mind you.

People insist on buying three big gold fish in a 1 liter plastic box and then angrily call because, welp, they died.

They threaten to sue because the small breed kibble with the tiny bites ain't as sufficiently tiny as you assured them it was, because you assumed they allow their dog to CHEW and not swallow whole!

You won't give a man all those 200 Shekels worth of freebies he lies to have been promised by the manager, and when you call the manager to verify, he takes off and a few days later his wife screams at you for having humiliated her husband - by exposing his lie as politely as possible by simply saying, "I'm sorry, the manager doesn't recall making such promises".

They go on a tangent how it's cheaper at another shop, cheaper than what the suppliers charge the retailers, lol, so we're like "Nope you don't" and they're like "Okay, I'm buying this then" and we're like, lolzors.

And those lovelies asking for all kinds of abusive dog training aids from prong collars to electrocution and we're like, "Have you ever tried actual training based on actual communication based on dog language and positive reinforcement?" and they stare at you like you grew a second head.

Or those who walk in saying they just bought a 16,000 Shekel boomerang; turns out they bought a breed they don't know what it's called (Pomeranian, not Boomerang) for lack of interest in homework on their planned family addition, with no papers but 3 times our salaries (LOL what a ripoff!!), way too young to be taken from its mother, and first thing they tell me about their dog is its price tag and I'm like, no. Just, no. It's like you dish out a million bucks for a Lamborghini and think it's calle Lasagna and you buy it unfinished, second hand with no papers, and you dunno how to drive.

Or that special needs kid who angrily tossed his poor baby snake to the ground when I told him I wasn't comfortable selling him another one despite him having literally thrown the cash at me. I was like, "Um, maybe come back with your dad?"

Today the dude who, like 2 weeks ago, bought 2 of our bunnies, came in and asked if we could take them back, totally cool if he doesn't get any money back, which I think is decent, because his kid doesn't care about them. I'm glad he takes them back instead of "out back". I call the manager and he agrees, I'm like thanks bro, you saved 2 lives here because we all know where unwanted pets end up when the first attempt at ditching them doesn't work out.

So I follow him to his car, and I see they're not on any seat. Trunk, seriously? Like, the closed trunk? Yeah, it gets better.

Plastic trashbag. WHAT THE HELL DUDE!? Oh, you made a hole though! OKAY THEN OMG WTF!!!!!!

He fishes out one rabbit.

I woslike, "Ummmmmmm that ain't one of ours."

He's like, "Yeah but he's cute! Freebie!"

So he fishes out the second one I do recognize. Where's the third?

"Yeah, I gave it to a little girl."

Let's pray that's true.

Srsly? Seriously, when you work at a pet shop, stuff gets all ethic-y and emotional. And so surreal.

Thurmadir · Feb 18, 2015

Wow, those are some good ones. Reminds me why I got the hell out of retail a long time ago. Dealing with people sucks, no other way to put it. When I was fresh out of pharmacy school I figured, retail might not be a bad place to get my feet wet. Ha! Within a year I had the MCAT, LSAT, DAT and GRE books on my shelf, lol. Fortunately, I escaped to a better work environment (read: away from people). I will say though for the four years I stuck it out I had some interesting experiences to say the least.

Here's a good one. So i'm working a well to do area in West Bloomfield, Michigan and in walks this 80-something raisin, wide-brimmed hat, giant sunglasses, extra tan, extra wrinkled. She hands me a prescription for her husband and tells me she was going to wait for it, which translated into: "I'm going to hover over you the entire time until you hand me the drugs"
So as I'm filling her husbands rx she proceeds to share this little tidbit to everyone within earshot which almost causes me to lose my lunch: "My husband may have a bad heart, but he sure screws like a beaver!" Several therapy sessions along with visual reconditioning and I was finally able to look at old people normally again.

I'll never forget the time I was working the night shift and the manager came rushing to the back with a crazed look on her face. I didn't hear anything coming from the front of the store suggesting a hold-up or shoplifter so I was anticipating shock and awe.
"You got to see this" was all she said and darted back up front. Naturally I had to see what was going on after such a tantalizing offer. The night shift came with all manner of weirdo and freaks and this was no exception. Mind you, it's the middle of winter, snowing and freezing out, so you can imagine my surprise when I saw a man in line to pay for his stuff wearing nothing but red satin panties and satin bra accentuated by his matching high-heeled pumps (of course). His body was quite hairy and he had a thick mustache with a lit cigar in his mouth. I, of course stared at him with a bewildered look on my face to which he responds in kind with an indignant, contemptuous look as if to say "What the hell are you looking at buddy?" Nothing.....nothing at all. Carry on in crazy town.

Every Saturday from 2-4am a lady would come in the store, fill up a cart full of items, then proceed to leave said cart in an isle for one of our staff to put away. This repeated week ater week until one day she found the isle that contained the wind chimes. She must have been high on something or suffered from some sort of mental illness because she ran her hand along those damn windchimes for almost 20 minutes before I finally cracked. I walked up to her while reminding myself not to lay into her verbally. I simply said "I think by now you have a good idea what they sound like. You want to stop that?" She never came back after that.

The druggies and fake rx scammers were always a treat to deal with.

Lots of intersting folks there that's for sure.

Ravioli · Feb 18, 2015

Thurmadir said:
I'll never forget the time I was working the night shift and the manager came rushing to the back with a crazed look on her face. I didn't hear anything coming from the front of the store suggesting a hold-up or shoplifter so I was anticipating shock and awe.
"You got to see this" was all she said and darted back up front. Naturally I had to see what was going on after such a tantalizing offer. The night shift came with all manner of weirdo and freaks and this was no exception. Mind you, it's the middle of winter, snowing and freezing out, so you can imagine my surprise when I saw a man in line to pay for his stuff wearing nothing but red satin panties and satin bra accentuated by his matching high-heeled pumps (of course). His body was quite hairy and he had a thick mustache with a lit cigar in his mouth. I, of course stared at him with a bewildered look on my face to which he responds in kind with an indignant, contemptuous look as if to say "What the hell are you looking at buddy?" Nothing.....nothing at all. Carry on in crazy town.

ROFL! But believe it or not, in some BDSM relationships, subs do agree or even beg for this kind of humiliation - some as a reward, others as a penalty. Or even just at the whim of their dom.

Every Saturday from 2-4am a lady would come in the store, fill up a cart full of items, then proceed to leave said cart in an isle for one of our staff to put away. This repeated week ater week until one day she found the isle that contained the wind chimes. She must have been high on something or suffered from some sort of mental illness because she ran her hand along those damn windchimes for almost 20 minutes before I finally cracked. I walked up to her while reminding myself not to lay into her verbally. I simply said "I think by now you have a good idea what they sound like. You want to stop that?" She never came back after that.

Gotta love crazy people. Or those who have nothing else to do, and you get to babysit them. Now, think pet shop and the kind of audience it attracts. Little kids. Now, consider what pet shops sell in abundance. Squeaky dog toys. We should petition for a gun to be acquired and put in the drawer next to the register. Not to shoot the children with - not necessarily - but for last ditch suicide perhaps, I think it would be good to have.

Thurmadir · Feb 18, 2015

Gotta love crazy people. Or those who have nothing else to do, and you get to babysit them. Now, think pet shop and the kind of audience it attracts. Little kids. Now, consider what pet shops sell in abundance. Squeaky dog toys. We should petition for a gun to be acquired and put in the drawer next to the register. Not to shoot the children with - not necessarily - but for last ditch suicide perhaps, I think it would be good to have.

LOL! That made my morning. I can see sweat beading up on your forehead as you start to eye the weapon...sweet relief from the torturous squeaky dog toy. That's what I bought my cousin's kids one year- a bunch of noisemakers, just to drive him crazy. His dog destroyed them in no time, however.

Ravioli · Feb 18, 2015

Look, in Israel retail workers aren't as sweet as elsewhere so we can ask impatiently to CUT THAT THE FUCK OUT but I'm not raised that way and I'm enchained in my upbringing... But I've had customers flinch at my look as I glared at those lil shits... I love kids and I want them and all that, but 6 hours a day my uterus shuts itself in, cuts itself and listens to death metal while browsing for another cat to adopt.

But with squeaking in one ear and babbling customers AND coworkers in the other, I love how I then get this reaction of "Whoa bitch take a chill pill" when I do snap. Worse - when Mr. Hot Mess walks by outside. I go red, my blood pressure goes BADDABOOOOOOOOOOM-AH!!!!!!!!!!! and I start shaking and stuttering and talking jibberish and that's when mistakes are made. Like customers walking out without getting charged. Twice. Twice I've had to swipe my own card because Hot Mess decided to materialize in my field of vision. On the phone. With his back to me.

That's what I bought my cousin's kids one year- a bunch of noisemakers, just to drive him crazy.

Hm. Cruel. I approve!

auzerais · Feb 18, 2015

Ah, Thurmadir! Another pharmacy person!

Many years ago, during an unusually heavy snowfall that my city still refers to as "snowpocalypse," I was working with a fill-in pharmacist when an extremely intoxicated man stumbled in. He was so wasted that three managers were following him at close range to keep an eye on him, and he was completely unaware of them. Anyway, he wandered up to my counter and told the pharmacist that he needed a product recommendation.

He said (and this is, as best as I can do it, word for word exactly what he said): "Soooooooo....last night? I fell asleep in the snow with wet socks on. And this morning my feet are all black and they look like they're gonna fall off." (Short pause for dramatic effect.) "Is there...a cream I can rub on that?"

The pharmacist, bless her soul, started yelling, "Go to the hospital! Go to the hospital!"

And the guy said "Oh. But I don't have insurance." Then he wandered out.

(To this day, I ask my pharmacists for cream recommendations. I'm bored. Is there a cream for that? I made a typo. Is there a cream for that? I need a new job. Is there a cream for that?)

Thurmadir · Feb 19, 2015

Reminds me of the guy who asked me where the medications for "kidney problems" were located (and no, he wasn't talking about a UTI). I may have to borrow that cream phrase from you, I like it. You got me thinking about coming up with a topical ethanol rub...you can get drunk and heal dry skin at the same time. Dollar signs are floating before my eyes, lol. My ad slogan :When it stops burning you know it's working. Better keep my day job.

auzerais · Feb 19, 2015

Well, when people come up to me and ask for recommendations, my standard go-to product is whiskey, so....

Deepthought · Feb 19, 2015

My father's owns an auto repair shop, he's heard tons of crazy stories and met strange people. I help out, so I've seen some of it too.

A crazy drunk lady came into the shop screaming, and all the workers went crazy as well, running around in circles like frightened chickens. Dad walked over all calm and asked what was the problem. She needed a bus, so he gave her some money and showed her the bus stop. No big deal.

A millionaire working at a particle collider driving an old Volkswagen looking like a homeless guy asked for a repair estimate.

(Can't remember the details) A woman was stuck in a building next door. No one except my little brother was out. The door was glass and she knocked, asking him to open it. He ran away. Later, my older cousin did, who was fixing his car there. The woman said, "I asked some kid to open it and he looked at me like I was crazy."

Some guy driving down the street in some ridiculously ostentatious big car, not even bothering to drive in, yelled, "Hey, do you guys paint candy apple!?" Both my uncle and father saw right off the bat the kind of guy that was. "No, we do not paint candy apple!" They both practically rushed to keep the dude away.

I always used to see this guy one with a beard and an American flag hanging around the neighborhood. He was a bit off mentally, I'd seen him do weird stuff, but he seemed okay. My uncle talked to him one day, asking why he always had the flag with him. Paraphrasing here:
"People might kill me because I am Muslim, so I have the flag to show them I'm not against them."
"Then why don't you shave off your beard?"
"No, I am Muslim, I don't want to do that."
"Look. If a car hits you, or if someone shoots you, do you think you're going to live?"
"No."
"When death comes, a flag is not going to help you. Don't be scared of death. Make it like a brother, so when it comes, you can say, 'take me, let's go together my friend'. Make remembrance of God instead. Don't be worried what other people think, it doesn't matter. Don't be scared of death, you won't be scared of anything."
Later, the man was at the bus stop and saw my uncle. He didn't have the flag. He was so happy and gave him a hug, saying he felt so much better. They were talking, and the bus came. The man didn't go on it. "There are hundreds of busses, only one of you. You came to see me, but the bus comes for me all the time. I am not going on the bus," he said.

A lot of other weird stuff, even seemingly paranormal. But those are a few.

TheCuriousOne · Feb 19, 2015

This thread just reminded me why I'm so happy not to work in retail anymore!

Osulagh · Feb 19, 2015

Oooo...! Auto repair stories, I can get in on that.

One guy thought we didn't install a new head gasket, even after we showed him the box and receipt for the part. He wanted to see it installed himself. So we opened the engine up and showed him. After he was good with that, we told him we needed to order a new one because you they weren't reusable and he'd have to pay for the service once more. He flipped his shit. What did we do? We told him he could pay for our time and the original service and take his truck--as it was! With the whole front tore apart and the engine dressed down from the top. You simply couldn't move it out of the shop. He called the police. We told the cops they guy is unruly. They issued him a warning. He left... for six months to work up a court case against us. During that time, we left his truck in the back and everyone had picked parts off of it. He tried suing us for like $40K including damages and court fees. We counter-sued, and won, for $10K plus our original fees plus the court shit (including taking time off and closing the shop, which was another $5K) plus daily storage fees appropriate to the amount of land he took up which was about $6K. He was also ordered to get the truck before the week was out, and he didn't; we sold the remains for scrap after ripping anything good off of it after a week. That's how we upgraded all the lifts and I got a new set of tools... and I might have, or might have not taken his rims...

There was this woman that came into the shop every other day saying her car was leaking some kind of liquid. Fuel, oil, brake fluid, ect. We had to explain to her that the air conditioning collects condensation and when you stop, it'll drip. We even went as far to collect it and taste it to show it was just water (dirty water, but still).

Another woman... she came in with a Prius saying she wasn't getting the absurd gas mileage told to her by the salesman (like 80 miles per gallon) when she bought it. When we drove it, we got 55 miles per gallon (because I'm a conservative driver), which is higher than normal. She couldn't stand that, so we let her drive and we recorded it. She was getting like 10 miles to the gallon because she'd floor it everywhere and if she was going too fast, she'd hold the brakes and the accelerator at the same time. We recommended our "fuel saving" brake special for her, and she kept returning every month for new pads and resurfacing.

An old man came into the shop saying he needed an oil change and had never got one... on his 1960 Willys Jeep. He just kept adding oil and didn't ever think about changing it. I still don't understand how that engine was running after all that time.

Oh, and there was a this part's runner, a girl, that always tried to hit on my partner mechanic in the stall next to me. She'd change into a different outfit before she'd walk in. Different shirts, push-up bra, short-short skirt, a fucking sparkling dress. This went on for years. This one time she walked in only wearing some of the most gaudy panties I've ever seen... too bad he was gay, and she was too thick to understand.

Deepthought · Feb 19, 2015

There was this PhD psychologist customer and she told my father that the manner he spoke to other customers was too brusque. Strange, as every single review on yelp is a 5 star and they spoke highly of him.

Osulagh · Feb 19, 2015

Deepthought said:
There was this PhD psychologist customer and she told my father that the manner he spoke to other customers was too brusque..

That is when you start speaking in another language and question if they're worldly enough for the place.

auzerais · Feb 19, 2015

Last week a gentleman called up and asked me, "How can I tell if my Viagra is working?"

Easiest question in the world to answer, so I did: "Let me get a pharmacist for you, sir."

So my pharmacist gets on the phone and is dead quiet for a few minutes, and then she says "You know, you're gonna have to ask your doctor about that."

regdog · Feb 19, 2015

Deepthought said:
I always used to see this guy one with a beard and an American flag hanging around the neighborhood. He was a bit off mentally, I'd seen him do weird stuff, but he seemed okay. My uncle talked to him one day, asking why he always had the flag with him. Paraphrasing here:
"People might kill me because I am Muslim, so I have the flag to show them I'm not against them."
"Then why don't you shave off your beard?"
"No, I am Muslim, I don't want to do that."
"Look. If a car hits you, or if someone shoots you, do you think you're going to live?"
"No."
"When death comes, a flag is not going to help you. Don't be scared of death. Make it like a brother, so when it comes, you can say, 'take me, let's go together my friend'. Make remembrance of God instead. Don't be worried what other people think, it doesn't matter. Don't be scared of death, you won't be scared of anything."
Later, the man was at the bus stop and saw my uncle. He didn't have the flag. He was so happy and gave him a hug, saying he felt so much better. They were talking, and the bus came. The man didn't go on it. "There are hundreds of busses, only one of you. You came to see me, but the bus comes for me all the time. I am not going on the bus," he said.

That doesn't sound weird or strange, rather a man who needed to know there were compassionate people in the world and needed a friendly word and kindness

Ken · Feb 19, 2015

When worked retail and customers approached me with a question I just growled and they left me alone.

Deepthought · Feb 19, 2015

Ken said:
When worked retail and customers approached me with a question I just growled and they left me alone.

Did the manager ever say anything about it?

Tazlima · Feb 19, 2015

I had a friend who worked in a pet shop and he had some awesome stories.

Once a man came in with a little snake in a shoebox. He says, "My son bought this here, but he didn't think to buy anything to care for it properly. Could I please have an aquarium, a heat lamp, etc?" (He requested all the stuff you need to take basic care of a snake).

Now how awesome is this dad? The kid brings home a new pet and Dad not only lets him keep it, he goes back to the shop to get the whole setup!

Unfortunately the kid hadn't actually bought the snake. He'd stolen it earlier that day. My friend had seen him hanging around the reptiles and when the kid left, the snake was gone from the cage.

Needless to say, Dad returned the snake to my friend and went home to have a little chat with his son.

TheCuriousOne · Feb 19, 2015

Once, someone complained about me to the practice manager of the doctors' surgery I worked in, and gave him an earful because she didn't agree with the fact that they had transferred the phone line to a call-centre in India without her consent. I had been working there full time for a year, manning appointment and prescription phone lines, and spent the three previous years working in the pharmacy just opposite. I'd have loved to see her face when he told her I was French and worked right beside his office!

Ravioli · Feb 19, 2015

Reminds me of what happened to day to the new chick who is kinda dumb despite her intelligent face and speech pattern. Kinda really dumb. She's a control freak who steals and realizes my ideas and gets all the credit for it, she meddles with my sales because she thinks I need help, etc. So I don't want her organizing me a birthday party to boot, so when she asks us when our birthdays are to make loving little cutout balloons with the dates and hang them on the wall, I tell her "February 30." She's like, "February, that's the 2nd... Okay, 30/02...". Yeah. And for 8 hours she's been bitching about her belly's shape and ache from - gasp! - having eaten at the beginning of our shift when our birthday dude brought pita, hummus, and cake. SO YOU ATE BIG DEAL!!!!!
Anyway. She's with a customer and his wife walks up with our tiny baby rabbit in her hand. I see that from afar, new chick doesn't see it at all when that woman is standing literally 2 feet away. There are "Don't touch the animals" signs all over the place, so removing them from the cage is way out there.
I'm halfway done being patient with this girl; she's nice, everyone likes her, so I try to keep my own status good by being friendly, but this scene right there - no. That bunny is half as old as they told us, it's fragile and scared, so - NO. So I shout over, "Excuse me, what is your customer holding the bunny for?". Yeah, embarrassed all of them and I feel sooooooooooo baaaaaaaad, tooooooooooo. I'm done with this crap.

Ravioli · Feb 19, 2015

Oh, and one not from my shop, but when I shopped for a can opener at the household/decor stuff next to the pet shop. They only hire the prettiest girls there, doll-faced, smooth, perfect... But DAYUM they dumb! Especially the one my coworker says is the most beautiful girl in the world, which I can easily agree with. Until she speaks. Stupidity so easily swipes away the luster.

Her: "Hiiiii, what's up?"
Me: "Hi there! Say, you got can openers?"
Her: "No. What are those?"
...come a-facking-gain?
Me: "Um... you open cans with them. Oh, here's one. Cool, I'm taking this."
Her: "How do you use it?"
.....................................say whu?
Me: "Uh... you put the sharp wheel on the ridge in the can... and then you turn this, and it cuts the can open..."
Her: "Okay... But why would you need to open cans?"
ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?!?!?!??!?!?!!?
Me: "Ah... for canned cat food. For my cats."
Her: "Wow, you really invest in your pets."
She has no idea. Except, a can opener is not even a blip on my pet spendings radar.

I used to feel awkward about her because she made me feel so ugly and brutish in comparison. Now I just feel awkward because I don't wanna hurt her feelings but I don't know how to respond to her without screaming at her to stop banging her head against the wall or whatever it is she's doing.

Thurmadir · Feb 19, 2015

I had to share this one because I was (and still am) dumbfounded at the, *ahem*, well....

My colleague gets a call from a woman who right off the bat starts yelling and screaming obscenities at him.
"How dare you give my child a medication that causes micro-orgasms!"
I wish I could see the look on her face after he explained the antibiotic was to kill microorganisms. Then again, I doubt she understood what he was talking about after she hung up on him.

Ken · Feb 19, 2015

Deepthought said:
Did the manager ever say anything about it?

no. just figured I was crazed. otherwise, I was a good worker. so he let me be and tried to keep me off the floor and away from customers as much as possible, lol.

Brightdreamer · Feb 19, 2015

My sister used to work at a pet store, and she has some Stories.

Never actually worked retail, myself, but I put things on grocery store shelves for a direct delivery merchandising firm for a few years. Technically, I didn't have to interact with customers, but often I was the only "official"-looking person in the area, so I usually did what I could... pulling items down from top shelves for short people, directing them to the right aisle, etc.

While I was near the pharmacy, one lady decided to talk to me about head lice: how you could tell if you had them, what to do about them, etc. Five, ten, nearly fifteen minutes of my life lost to this conversation. I finally manged to direct her to the store pharmacist who would know more than I about the matter. I still think she just wanted to talk to someone about head lice.

Then there was the old hearing-impaired (and possibly slightly memory-impaired) lady who couldn't understand why they didn't have sugar on the shelves (there was a sale, and they were out.) She asked if there were more in back, and I tried to explain that I didn't actually work for (STORE) so I didn't know, so she should ask a (STORE) employee. I had to repeat this several times at increasing volume because she couldn't hear me - then she gets upset that I'm yelling. Off she goes... only to return about fifteen minutes later with a manager, yelling about how rude I was. The man said I didn't work for the store - and the routine started again as I slipped away. (I spent most of the rest of the day half-hoping I'd be fired... and looking forward to it. That was round about the time I decided I'd been stocking shelves for too long.)

Though the all-time most surreal conversation I ever was involved with happened outside of work. We were on a road trip - "we" being my parents, sister, and I - and stopped to stretch our legs at a park near a small library. Out front was a large bronze statue of a team of obviously-bulls working with a lumberjack. Some random stranger saw us there and, for no reason that I can recall, starts up a conversation about the statue and how ridiculous it was that sculptors portray bulls as working beasts when only neutered oxen are tractable. His father used to be a sculptor, see, so he knew that people specifically requested certain appendages on statuary even when it wasn't warranted. I cannot recall how long we stood there, hostage to a rant about bronze bull testicles, but I count every minute as one too long.

mirandashell · Feb 20, 2015

hostage to a rant about bronze bull testicles,

Surreal retail moments - share here!

Crazy Cat Lady

Crazy Cat Lady

Crazy Cat Lady

I like puppies.

I like puppies.

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Independent fluffy puppy.

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Independent fluffy puppy.

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The Scavengers

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Crazy Cat Lady

Crazy Cat Lady

Just Another Lazy Perfectionist