Would Either One of These

The second description. Made me ask. What is with. All. The fragments?

Sargentodiaz said:

interest you in buying/downloading this short story?

[FONT=Times New Roman, serif]El Rancho Jamul[/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman, serif]From blood-drenched fields, Gabriel Fletcher leaves behind a burnt-out home to head west to the golden promise along Pacific shores. He seeks but a peaceful place to raise a family. What he finds is a woman to love, a place to live, and the fight of his life.[/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman, serif]A shoot 'em up outside of San Diego in 1867[/FONT]

or

[FONT=Times New Roman, serif]Drifter. Gunslinger. Bereaved widow fighting off evil men trying to take her ranch. Drygulched. Confrontation. Crooked sheriff and judge. Deputy U.S. Marshall. Big gunfight. 1867 California.[/FONT]


[FONT=Times New Roman, serif]What more could a Western or Old West fan ask for?[/FONT]

Click to expand...

I've sold several western novels, and a bunch of western short stories, and I love reading westerns, but, honestly, no description makes me download anything from a writer I've never heard of.

Either the writers has to be someone with a name I know, or I have to have a sample to read. One thing I like about self-publishing, and something I think a heck of a lot more self-published writers would do, is give away a short story. Just one good short story that lets me know how well you write. Make me a fan with that one free story, and I'll buy everything you try to sell.

I don't like the second one thanks to all the fragments. The first one is better, but it doesn't much entice me because "shoot 'em up" and "fight of his life" are the only hints that something interesting (to me; romance doesn't usually grab me) will happen, and they're very vague hints.

Can you set up the conflict in more detail? More specificity would draw my curiosity better, I think.

Honestly?

Neither and i love a good westerm

Neither give me any specifics on what the story is about. Any reason to be interested in the character (there's a hint of that, and the story possibly in the second but I still don't know who these people are or why I want to spend X thousand words with them) It's all waaaay to vague to make me want to read

Also, drygulched? WTH is that?

Going with the "neither really does it for me" vote, too.

The first one reads like fluff, throwing together some flowery descriptions in a way that suggest the outlines of a story... but in a generic way that could fit hundreds of possible iterations.

The second... I feel like you're throwing out random words that Western readers may like, figuring they'll download it simply because it's a Western. The "[FONT=Times New Roman, serif]What more could a Western or Old West fan ask for?[/FONT]" bit in particular makes it feel like you're assuming all Western readers have the same tastes. It's like assuming all Fantasy fans will buy your story if you just throw the words "wizard", "dragon", "quest", and "ultimate evil" out there. It doesn't tell me how you put them together... and some of your Western fans may prefer their stories set in Texas, or prefer reading about someone other than gunslingers.

I want to know WHO your MC is, WHAT he wants, and WHY getting it or keeping it is going to be a problem. I want to know what kind of story you're going to give me, and I'm not seeing much of that here.

JMHO, and hopefully it didn't come off as harsh...