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Steppe
01-05-2015, 09:43 AM
boat's drifting pause
on a water nymph's
licentious............Oz

where the glow of red rivers
.........................tethers
.........................to twilight.

with the last wink of sun
golden eyelids blink
between the seen
..........................and unseen.

entangled in time
love seeks its own
where it lies prone
..........................by the green
..........................reeds
as passion
on the breasts of night
buries a cry
..........................in the sensuous
..........................light
of stars
winking on the rails
the moon
dancing with the undine
..........................on the wave-white
..........................sails.

Steppe
01-11-2015, 07:15 PM
This is an old poem I wrote several years ago. I have been tinkering with the form ever since. I think this will do.

Ken
01-12-2015, 04:09 AM
boat's drifting pause
on a water nymph's
licentious............Oz

where the glow of red rivers
.........................tethers
.........................to twilight.

with the last wink of sun
golden eyelids blink
between the seen
..........................and unseen.

entangled in time
love seeks its own
where it lies prone
..........................by the green
..........................reeds
as passion
on the breasts of night
buries a cry
..........................in the sensuous
..........................light
of stars
winking on the rails
the moon
dancing with the undine
..........................on the wave-white
..........................sails.

Just a suggestion. For me the crossed out stuff bogs down your poem and blunts it's effect. Otherwise pretty cool :-)

(Of course you'd have to rewrite, to incorporate any of this.)

Steppe
01-12-2015, 05:13 AM
Thank you Ken. Will give it some thought, but did like the flow of the OP.

poetinahat
01-12-2015, 05:47 AM
So do I. While brevity and economy are important parts of the toolkit, I think flow and rhythm take precedence. Poems needn't be telegrams; we've got time.

I'm a little reluctant to comment; the sensuous quality of the poem makes me blush.

I'm not questioning, but would like to understand the impulse behind the indentations; I always wonder about those. I know they have purpose, because it takes some effort to include them - I presume they are generally used to extend a pause, or something like a half-rest, to keep the beat.

Magdalen
01-12-2015, 06:43 AM
I think it's quite delightful!! Like two poems in one! Agree it is sensuous!!

Steppe
01-12-2015, 07:42 AM
Thank you Magdalen. Poet -

1. to break up the same-ness of a more classic form.

2. to allow space into a poem, much like spoken speech.

3. to give more individual power to a word or small group of words.

4. space itself can slow down or speed up the movement according to the preference of an individual.

5. generally caps and punctuation are not needed. In this poem I included the period.

Perscribo
01-12-2015, 11:18 PM
Reed-like. Lovely. Perfect.

CassandraW
02-20-2015, 07:50 AM
I also much prefer the flow of your original version, Steppe. And the indents work for me.