I'm going to murder my brother!

Lantern Jack · Mar 30, 2006

e2fairy: FIGURATIVELY MURDER! HYPERBOLICALLY MURDER! NOT LITERALLY MURDER! NOT ACTUALLY MURDER! NOT REAL THREAT! EXAGGERATION TO MAKE A POINT :e2bouncey

)

Okay, when I cop an insanity plea, I want you all by my side as my panel of witnesses, because I am going to wreak a swift, terrible and wholly justified vengeance on my brother!

He and my new sister-in-law, Holly, are staying for the weekend (the 'rents decided to get the meeting and my birthday out of the way in one fell swoop).

Well, my brother decided to introduce me to his darling girl in a most unconventional way: By busting open the bathroom door while I was shaving, in the nude, and there was, um, significant cold-related shrinkage.

You see, the bathroom door, locked or not, pops open whenever someone turns on the upstairs exhaust fan, a household idiosyncrasy someone failed to inform me of. My brother waited until I stepped out of the shower and then... :e2photo:

My swaggering, imbecile brother, his buxom *****, Mom and Dad, they just stood there, goggling and cackling like a pack of diabolical hyenas.

Needless to say, I am ducking my brother and his spring bride for the rest of the weekend. Those of you who were advising me to be as diplomatic as possible, I was fully ready to do so. That was why I was showering and shaving, even though it's an even day. I wanted to put forth my best foot, toe nails freshly clipped.

And now, now!!! he'll get his DVD player back when he pries it out of my dank, limp fingers :box:

William Haskins · Mar 30, 2006

hey man,

not sure you want murder threats (even in jest) on a public message board. just my two cents. i'm not a lawyer, though i often have to hire them.

Jcomp · Mar 30, 2006

...wow... I can't believe he put you out there like that. That's foul. I have to put myself in a different mind to understand your aggravation. 'Cause I got crazy comfortable with being naked in front of people a few years ago, to a level that sometimes seems wierd even to me. But I feel your wrath. I'll testify in court...

Sheryl Nantus · Mar 30, 2006

don't believe a word of it.

writerterri · Mar 30, 2006

Can I have your stuff?

Stew21 · Mar 30, 2006

*in my best "get out of the bell tower with that rifle" voice* Homicide is not ok.

kikazaru · Mar 30, 2006

"My swaggering, imbecile brother, his buxom *****, Mom and Dad, they just stood there, goggling and cackling like a pack of diabolical hyenas."

Brothers I can see doing this because they are often idiots, but if his girlfriend AND your parents went along with this, then all I can say is pack your bags and move.

SC Harrison · Mar 30, 2006

Stew21 said:
*in my best "get out of the bell tower with that rifle" voice* Homicide is not ok.

Technically it would be considered Fratricide, but it would still be slightly over the top in this situation. A sound beating would suffice, followed by a good clean digital photograph, preferably the moment after LJ's brother regained consciousness, while he still had that "What the hell happened to me?" scared puppy look.

Priceless.

unthoughtknown · Mar 30, 2006

Oh.my.gawd.

I'd go into hiding, I think.

SpookyWriter · Mar 30, 2006

Hey, is Holly made of wood...

ATP · Mar 30, 2006

In the vein of American Pie-style humour, perhaps...? Certainly not pleasant, and disconcerting to say the least.

ATP

Lantern Jack · Mar 30, 2006

For the record, Holly's my brother's wife of one week, not his girlfriend. And in case you think this is an isolated act of cruelty, my brother offered to take me bowling last night (I guess to make up for the prank), and he never showed up. He was departing for the bowling alley, got to the end of the street, called and asked if I wanted to come along and then never came back, but left me standing outside with only peeping crickets and toms for co.

Sigh!

Woe is Lantern Jack. Woe, woe, woe :flag:

Lantern Jack · Mar 30, 2006

P.S. I can't beat up my brother because he's a navyman, outweighs me by 45 pounds and could pull out my heart with his teeth!

SpookyWriter · Mar 30, 2006

Lantern Jack said:
P.S. I can't beat up my brother because he's a navyman, outweighs me by 45 pounds and could pull out my heart with his teeth!

LOL...I ain't never met a sailor boy who could do much more than pant when it came to a good brawl...thanks for the laugh!!!

Celia Cyanide · Mar 30, 2006

Sheryl Nantus said:
don't believe a word of it.

And the rest of us are supposed to care whether or not you believe it because...?

oswann · Mar 30, 2006

Ban him.

Os.

mdin · Mar 30, 2006

Happy Birthday, Lantern Jack.

Lantern Jack · Mar 31, 2006

XThe NavigatorX said:
Happy Birthday, Lantern Jack.

Why, thank you for the early birthday wishes (I turn 26 on Sunday, American time). Now what flavor 10-tier cake did you get me and what's going to leap out of it :partyguy:

Shadow_Ferret · Mar 31, 2006

Did they all yell, "Surprise!"?

That would have been appropriate.

I don't believe I was ever on the side of diplomacy.

SC Harrison · Mar 31, 2006

Lantern Jack said:
P.S. I can't beat up my brother because he's a navyman, outweighs me by 45 pounds and could pull out my heart with his teeth!

Don't be a sap. I'm sorry; what I meant to say was, "Use a sap"

Shadow_Ferret · Mar 31, 2006

Navyman? I was a Navyman. That doesn't mean squat. They don't teach you how to fight unless you're a SEAL.

eldragon · Mar 31, 2006

The joke was in bad taste.

But, since the woman married into your family, I guess now's as good a time as any for her to see how things go in the "JACK," family.

Next time they are all in the house, go to the bathroom and turn on the shower. Make all kinds of noise like you are making sure the door is locked. When the upstairs exhaust fan comes on, get into position:

and have some gimmick ready when they open the door. What you are doing in there is up to you and how far you want to go with it..........

Yeshanu · Mar 31, 2006

I'm with Pam on this, LJ. You definitely have to find some way to get back at that brother of yours.

Perks · Mar 31, 2006

With newlyweds who think surprising naked people is the height of wit? I can't imagine how one would get revenge.

Unique · Mar 31, 2006

Perks said:
With newlyweds who think surprising naked people is the height of wit? I can't imagine how one would get revenge.

Fill their underwear with shaving cream and yell, 'Fire!' on a cold night?

I'm going to murder my brother!

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