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the cat came back
12-15-2014, 07:38 AM
REVISION IN POST #4


There were no Hell's Angels in church today.
The pastor invited them . . .
Jesus would approve.
He would have watched their comings in and goings out,
as did the old lady in the third pew, though disapprovingly -
of that Jesus would not approve

Hell's Angels may be naughty boys,
but they are organized,
so when their leader "went to Hell",
they all felt compromised

'cause Biker Dave had secretly
seen preachers on the side,
discreetly asking if he might,
somehow, come on inside.

For years, he'd ridden conscience-free,
of dares and devils dreamed,
but as he aged the thought of Hell
was not as it once seemed.

A rebel youth with thoughts uncouth
Saw shock as freedom's gain;
an aging man, another plan
Dave sought than lasting pain.

And after praying on the sly
for years (that was the start),
Then to fruition came those prayers:
an honest change of heart.

And in that moment, Biker Dave
fell down upon his knees,
and opened up his heart to pray,
"Lord save this sinner, please."

If Christ is kind, life can be cruel
for when Dave's raised his head,
A rival biker walked into
the room and shot him dead.

Dave's body was discovered
by his second in command
along with this epistle tightly held
In Dave's right hand:

"This is my will, please heed it
if you really are my friends.
I rode from Hell to Heaven,
and found Jesus in the end.

"So take the colors from my back
and dress me all in white.
A plain pine coffin choose for me
to send me to the light.

"If only you will call St. Mary's for
I do believe they'll care
enough to bury me. if they agree,
I'll see you there?"

To their surprise, the pastor said,
"We'll take him, never fear,
and I'll conduct his funeral
as long as it is here."

"You would allow us in your church?"
Dave's second asked of him.
"Of course," the pastor answered, "As
we sing in many hymns,

"The Lord loves all his children,"
so we'll take your brother in.
Christ came not for the righteous
But to save mankind from sin.

And so that Friday morning,
This is what St. Mary's got:
a coffin in the chancel, and
some Harley's in the lot.

There were no Hell's Angels in church today,
but one will meet the pastor after church . . .
Jesus saves.
Their comings in and goings out are now the scandal of the church
The old lady in the third pew, apoplectic, eyes the pastor, she sputters, wordlessly -
Jesus saves.
Yes, Jesus saves.

C.bronco
12-15-2014, 08:16 AM
There were a few stanzas where the meter needs work. A big part of the success of the poem may rely on your actual knowledge of the dynamic. I think it is a piece worth pursuing, and am intrigued!

the cat came back
12-15-2014, 11:09 PM
There were a few stanzas where the meter needs work. A big part of the success of the poem may rely on your actual knowledge of the dynamic. I think it is a piece worth pursuing, and am intrigued!

Thanks, I am revising now.

the cat came back
12-16-2014, 03:44 AM
Jesus Saves


No bikers came to church today,
and some folks were relieved;
but Father Bob invited them;
so some folks were aggrieved.

And should this make you wonder why
good Christian folk would fuss,
just listen as my tale unfolds:
The action happened thus:

Hells Angels may be naughty boys,
but they are organized,
so when their leader "went to Hell",
they all felt compromised

'cause Biker Dave had secretly
seen preachers on the side,
discreetly asking if he might,
somehow, come on inside.

For years, he'd ridden conscience-free,
of dares and devils dreamed,
but as he aged the thought of Hell
was not what it once seemed.

A rebel youth with thoughts uncouth
saw shock as freedom's gain;
an aging man, another plan
Dave sought than lasting pain.

So after praying on the sly
(which was redemption's start),
Full to fruition came his prayers:
an honest change of heart.

In that same moment, Biker Dave
fell down upon his knees,
and opened up his heart to pray,
"Lord save this sinner, please."

Though Christ is kind, life can be cruel
for when Dave raised his head,
a rival biker walked into
the room and shot him dead.

Dave's body was discovered
by his second-in-command
along with this epistle tightly held
In Dave's right hand:

"This is my will, please heed it
if you truly are my friend;
I rode from Hell to Heaven,
and found Jesus in the end,

"So take the colors from my back
and dress me all in white.
A plain pine coffin choose for me
to send me to the light.

"Call Father Bob at St. Jude's Church:
I think that he will care
to bury me - should he agree,
I hope I'll see you there."

And when he called, the pastor said,
"We'll take him, never fear.
I will conduct his funeral
as long as it's held here."

"You would allow us in your church?"
Dave's second asked of him.
"Of course," the pastor answered,
"As we sing in many hymns,

"'The Lord loves all his children.'
We will take your brother in.
Christ came not for the righteous
but to save our souls from sin.

And so that Friday morning,
This is what St. Jude's Church got:
a coffin in the chancel and
some Harleys in the lot.

No bikers came to Church today
(some pray Dave was the last),
but one of them is meeting
Father Bob right after Mass

This passion play, at St. Jude's Church,
Played out itself this week
and rendered some parishioners
Incapable of speech

'Cause this fact is forgotten
when a Harley's engine roars,
some of Christ's first followers
were killers, thieves and whores.

The moral of this story is,
"Some church folks don't like Daves;
they'd turn him out, but there can be
no doubt that Jesus saves."

William Haskins
12-16-2014, 04:38 AM
hells angels... no apostrophe.

Two McMillion
12-16-2014, 06:55 AM
I like it. I like it quite a lot. The next to last stanza might be a bit awkward, though; perhaps substitute "Christ" for "Jesus"?

kuwisdelu
12-16-2014, 07:00 AM
Your edit is definitely a step in the right direction. Though not perfect (not that it needs to be) the meter is much improved.

I always wish more contemporary poets would try out ballads.

zanzjan
12-16-2014, 07:12 AM
ISTR reading an article about a group of Hells Angels that bought out a Walmart's entire selection of bikes on Black Friday to give to homeless kids.

Ken
12-16-2014, 05:55 PM
vroom, vroom

the cat came back
12-17-2014, 01:50 AM
hells angels... no apostrophe.

Thanks.

the cat came back
12-17-2014, 01:51 AM
I like it. I like it quite a lot. The next to last stanza might be a bit awkward, though; perhaps substitute "Christ" for "Jesus"?

Good catch. Good fix. Thanks.

the cat came back
12-17-2014, 01:53 AM
Your edit is definitely a step in the right direction. Though not perfect (not that it needs to be) the meter is much improved.

I always wish more contemporary poets would try out ballads.

I would like to perfect it as much as possible. Do you have any specific observations?

Brandt
12-17-2014, 02:14 AM
Cat, I'm not fond of the first line in the final stanza. The moral of the story can be understood without explicitly telling us 'here it is'.

I am, however, very fond of the poem:), and the edits much improve the rhythm.

the cat came back
12-17-2014, 03:09 AM
Cat, I'm not fond of the first line in the final stanza. The moral of the story can be understood without explicitly telling us 'here it is'.

I am, however, very fond of the poem:), and the edits much improve the rhythm.


Thanks, Brandt.

Debbie V
12-24-2014, 12:19 AM
To answer the rhythm question, look at verses eight and eleven. I hope I've counted right.

A_Read
12-24-2014, 01:18 AM
I really like this! I love the idea behind it and how it's presented.

Lines 23 and 40 felt a little off to me still, rhythm-wise. I'm no poet, but that's just my impression.

Hope this helps!

Lavern08
01-06-2015, 09:15 PM
I lurve this!

I don't consider myself a critic, so I really don't care about rhythm or meter, (although the original version was a little "shaky")... :Shrug:

I just know what I like, and this poem moved me on so many levels.

Thanks for sharing it.