Christmas jokes

Q: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?

A: Claustrophobic.

How many Santa's does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to lie on the floor, the other to jump on his expansive belly and propel himself to the ceiling where he can change the bulb.

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa, Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

What do reindeer say before telling you a joke?
"This one will sleigh you!"

what do you call two nights before christmas ?

christmas eve's eve !

made that joke up myself, needless to say :-(

[FONT=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Because they don't believe in passing the buck! [/FONT]

Who carries Santa's books?

His books elf.

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at
the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present
something “Christmassy”.
The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is
allowed in.
The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.
The third man pulls out a pair of panties.
Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, “How do these represent
Christmas?”
The third man answered “They’re Carol’s.”

Santa was preparing for his annual FAA inspection and check ride. Once the ground preliminaries were completed, he and the inspector climbed into the sleigh. Santa noticed the inspector had a gun. "What's that for? Are you expecting hijackers?"

"No, I'm going to see how you handle losing an engine on take-off."

Carols For the Psycho Challenged

SCHIZOPHRENIA: Do You Hear What I Hear?

DEMENTIA: I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas

MANIC: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and...

PARANOID: Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Me

PERSONALITY DISORDER: You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, ........ (better start again)

PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY: On The First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave To Me (and then took it all away)

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER: Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire.

CathleenT said:

What do you call a kid that doesn't believe in Santa?

Click to expand...

Jewish

Luke & Vader are having an epic lightsaber battle, vwomm vwommm, cccckkkkkkkhh! And Vader stops dead in his tracks and says, “Luke, I know what you’re getting for Christmas.”

“What?” Luke slashes at the furniture, vwop. Vader ducks.

“I know what you’re getting for Christmas,” he parry-reposts kkhhrrrrrkkk vwomm!

“Nooooo!” Luke whines. “You don’t! How could you?”

“Luke,” Vader says, lightsabre spitting red awesomeness. “I have felt your presents.”


I’m here all week! Try the fish

Knock Knock.

Who's there?

Coal.

Coal who?

Coal me if you hear Santa is coming.

One Christmas a young man named John received a parrot named 'Chief ' as a gift.

The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, 'I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour. '

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird continued,

'May I ask what the turkey did? '

Sat Nam! (literally "Truth Name"--a Sikh greeting)

All the little children in Sunday school drew pictures of the Nativity during the Christmas season. One little boy drew a picture of Mother and Child and a round little person.

"Who's that?" asked the Sunday school teacher.

The little boy answered, "That's Round John Virgin."

Blessings,

Siri Kirpal

Q- What do you get when Santa drinks a few pints of spruce tip ale?
A- Wintergreen pinesol.

What do you call Santa's helpers?

Subordinate clauses

what do you call a fat man with a beard climbing into my chimney?

an ambulance.

Christmas was in the air, everyone full of cheer.

Everywhere I went I heard people singing "Deck the Halls." I thought what a great idea!

Mr. & Mrs. Hall were not happy.

Which Christmas carol do parents like best?


Silent Night

Went to a Chess Tournament at the LA Hilton last Christmas. After a tough match, I was in the lobby, bragging to other contestants about a clever sacrifice I'd made that had won the game. The manager came and forced us to leave.

"Why? What did we do wrong?" I asked.

He shook his head and said "I am so sick and tired of chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

Kind of related;
Q- What goes "clip clop, BANG! Clip clop, BANG!"?
A- An Amish drive-by shooting