Can a violent man seem normal for the first years of a relationship?

Foolonthehill

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One of my secondary characters is a man who turns out o be aggressive, controlling and obsessive years into a relationship which had been working fine until all hell lets loose. Is this possible or would there have been some signals? I am taking about a man who turns out to be murderous, psychotic.
I have read that some men are quite capable of concealing this aspect of their personality even for long periods of time. Do you have any suggestions?
Thanx!
 

Fruitbat

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No expert here but from what I've heard, it's likely some of it would have appeared but it could be greatly stepped with a change that makes him see her as more dependent on him and therefore an easier scapegoat. For example, maybe marriage, moving away from her support system, or the birth of a child. Or when something increases his stress level, like a difficult new job.

Also, I'm sure this is rare but I once worked with a woman whose husband had recently had some kind of major accident, something about electricity or getting hit on the head, I don't recall the particulars now. Anyway, she'd come into work complaining that he was violent and mean when she'd been married to him for years, had two kids with him, and had no problems with him before that. I've heard of personality changes being caused by brain tumors, too.
 
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Drachen Jager

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Certainly as Fruitbat says, brain damage can significantly alter personality. Sometimes, chemicals can cause this kind of damage too, if the man works with paints or solvents they can damage the brain over time.

It's possible for a person to mostly hide something like that, but I think it involves some willful ignorance on the part of the wife, excusing him for that time he lashed out verbally at a waitress for getting his order wrong because he was tired that day and things like that.
 

NDoyle

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Some people can/do feign socially accepted normality for a period of time, perhaps until they have achieved what they want (e.g., some degree of dependency on the part of their significant other). Their true personality finally slips (or is deliberately released) later.

Might there have been clues? Likely, as Drachen Jager suggests. Depends on how good they are at hiding it from the individual(s) they are trying to deceive. Someone at work might have noticed something that someone in the family would have missed or never seen because of when and where the behavior was displayed.

I've seen this happen.

Investigate sociopaths. That may give you some ideas.
 

Fruitbat

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Another thing that might cause him to change drastically toward her is if he previously had (but lost) another scapegoat. Then he might turn his venom on her, in the same way an abusive parent who loses custody of their chosen victim sometimes starts picking on another one of their children instead.
 

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One of my secondary characters is a man who turns out o be aggressive, controlling and obsessive years into a relationship which had been working fine until all hell lets loose. Is this possible or would there have been some signals? I am taking about a man who turns out to be murderous, psychotic.
I have read that some men are quite capable of concealing this aspect of their personality even for long periods of time. Do you have any suggestions?
Thanx!

I agree with the above posters that brain injury, PTSD, etc can change a person sufficiently and turn them from normal to abusive. However, in the absence of the biological or psychological trauma scenario, I don't think that such a person will compeletely hide their personality. (Speaking from personal albeit limited experience.) You may choose to ignore the signals, make excuses, believe the person has 'changed' etc, but abusers generally have a long history of such behaviour.
 

Maythe

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I think it's perfectly possible for someone who has been subtly controlling and manipulative to suddenly become more overtly abusive, in fact it seems that's a fairly standard progression. It might be worth reading some books on abusive relationships - I've seen 'Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft recommended frequently but I've never read it myself - it's on my wishlist like so much else.
 

CrastersBabies

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I absolutely think it's possible. I dated a man for a year, got engaged. Never married, but the first 1.5 years were really great. It's part of what really sucked when it all fell apart, because no matter how hard I tried, I could not look back and see the "warning signs." Not even now, 10+ years later. I gave up looking for it and had to find a different kind of closure.

The thing is, he had this same pattern with prior relationships. I don't know that it was a so much a "game" as it was that he truly believed he had changed and wanted to change and was trying to start out with a clean slate. But the old tendencies crept back in. I mean, I would almost compare it to someone who is a drug addict and stops using crack for 2 years because they've "changed," and things are awesome. Then they relapse and slowly begin to give in to those cravings. Some will keep clean and keep on that path of sobriety, but many will revert to old habits.

(Again, this was just my experience.)

My ex-fiance was very good at hiding his deviant, destructive, sadistic side for a long time. He had a weird kind of mental stamina. I don't know if he had a trigger nor do I know what exactly triggered him, but the transition from good guy to okay guy to questionable guy to abusive guy was about a 6-month ordeal. It was a tailspin.
 

snafu1056

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Well a controlling personality usually stems from insecurity and the underlying fear that the other person is just looking for an excuse to leave you and must be manipulated into a dependent state, so I could definitely see a seemingly normal, non-controlling guy suddenly becoming more controlling if his sense of security in the relationship is suddenly shaken. It probably wouldn't even take much, since youre dealing with a pretty insecure person to begin with. Sometimes you have no idea what kind of person youre dealing with until you try to break up with them (or just do anything that might arouse their insecurity). Insecurity can definitely be hidden behind things like false bravado. And false bravado could easily be mistaken for real bravado, which is attractive to many women. So yeah, a woman could easily end up with a guy who is way more insecure (and potentially controlling or abusive) than he lets on.
 
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EMaree

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A lot of domestic abuse cases I've read about don't hit high gear until the abuser has the victim in a situation that's difficult to escape from: a marriage, a mortgage commitment, a situation where the abuser is the 'breadwinner' and the victim isn't earning, a move to a country where the victim is not a native speaker, etc....

So yes, a determined abuser will keep most of their behaviour under wraps until later in a relationship. In fiction you'd definitely want to insert subtle warning signs, but in reality that doesn't always happen.
 
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The thing is, he had this same pattern with prior relationships.
Yeah, that's the bit I think they can't hide. They can be sweet as pie for the first few months, but anyone who knows the guy's history is going to know it's an act.
 

Cyia

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There are also serial abusers who are - as far as anyone can tell - remorseful after a round of abusive behavior. They can continue to be "normal" until they're triggered again. Maybe a move to a new town, followed by a new job that's going great, and then a new relationship - everything's peaches and roses. But BAM something goes wrong - they don't get the parking spot they want, or they're passed over for a promotion, etc, and they go Mr. Hyde on the one part of their life they can potentially control, which is their relationship with someone else. They "take back" the power that they feel has been denied them elsewhere.
 

CrastersBabies

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Yeah, that's the bit I think they can't hide. They can be sweet as pie for the first few months, but anyone who knows the guy's history is going to know it's an act.

I didn't know his history. Or his older friends. He had moved from across the country. This was back when there was no Facebook or social media. But, I actually met his brother a few years after we split in a strange, freak chance meeting. And when he learned that I had been engaged to this bro, he told me flat out that I was lucky to have gotten out when I did.

i imagine if I had met him on his "turf," I would have probably gotten wind of his darker nature much sooner.
 

Foolonthehill

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Thanks everyone. The story goes: this man is one of th main characters' husband. They have been together for about 7 years and have been trying to have a child for 6. The trigger would be that he starts to think she might leave him for someone else as they cannot conceive, so he starts by moving her into a remote countryhouse with the excuse that he needs her to "oversee the renovation work" that's been done to the house. He has no idea that he's just walked into the lion's den because this is exaclty where the wife's life starts to blossom again after severe depression due to her not being able to conceive and this is when, as I said, all hell breaks loose. So your suggestions were very helpful. I might have her look back and remember "that time he shouted at the waitress" or "lashed out at her" because he had a stressful day.
 

AllenC

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Well... It's a matter of changes. Did he change? Or did she change? That's a great perspective. It could be the man had been always like that, but she realize just now.
So, I would answer myself before writing: Who changed, and why?
Did her feelings fade away un-blindfolding her? Did anything happen to make him release his contained fury?

I hope it helps.
 

AllenC

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Another POV is about her. Did SHE change?
Did her feelings fade away, unveiling his nature?
That's a good idea, she would be changing from in love, to in danger
 

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We have a friend who just broke up with a man she thought was Mr. Perfect for the first year she knew him. They dated for close to a year, then she moved in with him. Within 6 months, he changed. She told us she had no idea he was so controlling, violent, and a heavy drinker.

Apparently, he was very good at concealing those problems until recently when his true character was revealed. She just moved out the day before Thanksgiving.
 

Bufty

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I think if one is manipulative it's completely possible to conceal one's true tendencies for as long as it suits you to do so.
 

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Thanks everyone. The story goes: this man is one of th main characters' husband. They have been together for about 7 years and have been trying to have a child for 6. The trigger would be that he starts to think she might leave him for someone else as they cannot conceive, so he starts by moving her into a remote countryhouse with the excuse that he needs her to "oversee the renovation work" that's been done to the house. He has no idea that he's just walked into the lion's den because this is exaclty where the wife's life starts to blossom again after severe depression due to her not being able to conceive and this is when, as I said, all hell breaks loose. So your suggestions were very helpful. I might have her look back and remember "that time he shouted at the waitress" or "lashed out at her" because he had a stressful day.

Consider, too, the possible scenario that he married her (perhaps subconsciously) because she had depression or other problems, and so she felt unworthy etc and it made her dependent on him, so he felt secure: he's sure she'd never leave him because she felt she'd never find anyone else to love her, and he thinks she adores him unconditionally simply because he loves her and stays with her. When/if she changes and gains self confidence, he would see that as a big threat, whether or not she actually has any interest in leaving him (that is, she might have stayed with him out of desperation, or she might truly love him and would stay with him no matter how her condition changed).
 

shaldna

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One of my secondary characters is a man who turns out o be aggressive, controlling and obsessive years into a relationship which had been working fine until all hell lets loose. Is this possible or would there have been some signals? I am taking about a man who turns out to be murderous, psychotic.
I have read that some men are quite capable of concealing this aspect of their personality even for long periods of time. Do you have any suggestions?
Thanx!

Unfortunately I have been in several realtionships where the other persons true character was well hidden - one of those relationships turned out to be very violent.

In the beginingg there were no signs of anything. To be honest, I didn't really notice things were 'off' until it got to a very extreme and violent stage. But looking back now I can patterns that I couldnt' see at the time
 

Bolero

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Small general comment, because I feel it needs to be said, abusive relationships can include the woman being violent. No direct knowledge, this comes from a friend of mine who commented on it, said it is far less known and less reported often due to basically the embarrassment of a man saying a woman beat him up.
It certainly surprised me when he said it. (And the friend in question is someone who campaigns for equality - for everyone - so campaigns on women's rights.)
 

CrastersBabies

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I know a man in an abusive relationship. His wife has physically abused him multiple times (in front if others and alone). And it's always laughed off as her being a fiery minx or a wild one. It's pretty gross.
 

Lhowling

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It's definitely possible. Or, there's always the possibility that your characters don't want to believe that this person is a dangerous man, and thus the setting you create may feed into that misguided perception because he so aptly portrays what most would consider a normal guy.

Many "normal" guys give something away to show they're not quite there; but, people are quick to shrug it off than take it seriously. You might not know they're cold-blooded killers, but they may say something or act a certain way that could make your blood run cold. Psychopathic serial killers such as Ted Bundy or Paul Bernardo had similar profiles -- clean, good-looking, smart and successful -- no one could believe that either was capable of brutal rape and murder. In Paul's case, a friend was confronted with a hint of his evil ways at a party. A drunk Paul (allegedly) confesses to one of his friends that they don't know the sort of evil that Paul is capable of (paraphrasing).

There are also episodic homicides, meaning that one could assume that a man (or woman) may not be naturally inclined to murder, but it is an event in particular that makes them snap. And because they've never shown anyone traits or qualities that would be of concern, their inexplicable rage and violence appears almost out of nowhere.

In terms of relationships, there have been cases where years after the relationship started, even after marriage and children, the husband (or wife) may become abusive in some way or form. But, it isn't a wake up one day and cause hell scenario. There has to be years of well-hidden emotional turmoil within the person to get to such an episodic point. Or it could take the introduction of a new lover, a loss of a longtime career, or the loss of a loved one that may act as a trigger. Depending on the pov you're writing from, you may have to capture that.

Brain trauma, drugs, and substance abuse also can play a role to sudden violence too.
 

snafu1056

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I know a man in an abusive relationship. His wife has physically abused him multiple times (in front if others and alone). And it's always laughed off as her being a fiery minx or a wild one. It's pretty gross.

Men have to learn to say the same thing women should say in that situation--"Putting your hands on me is not cool, and the next time it happens, we're done." You can say that much and still preserve your masculinity.