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Haruko_Ito
03-29-2006, 08:07 AM
Uh... I thought I would make a new thread that came out and directly said what type of novel I'm currently working on... Here's a teaser (if that.. -___-; ):

Silence. I looked around. Nothing. Had I gone blind? Glancing down, I saw my hands before me and knew that wasn’t so. My surroundings were those I had never seen before. It was dark and seemed as though there was nothing around me. Absolutely nothing… Was I left behind in this never-ending darkness? That doesn’t seem right. No… In fact, there is something utterly wrong with this entire situation. Something about this scenario put me on edge yet it eluded my conscious mind. Frantically, I began to run, forcing through the bone-chilling shadows, reaching out for whatever it was I felt that I needed.


My writing style fluctuates to where I sometimes put passive voice in places where it shouldn't be... Not to mention how poorly put together this chapter is so far. How can I know what to keep or toss if I have no one to instruct me? Thus my need for a Mentor expands... v___v;

citymouse
04-06-2006, 01:48 AM
Hello Ito, I was intrigued by your idea of having two spirits from opposite ends of creation falling in love. You know Christianity is not the only religion that reveres angels. Islam, Judaism, and many Asian religions recognize angelic beings. When I was in South East Asia I noticed many tiny temples set into the walls of buildings like banks and department stores. I asked about these and I was told that the temples were houses built for the displaced angels who watched over the particular place. I thought that was a very nice thing.

Silence. I looked around seeing nothing. Had I gone blind? Glancing down, I saw my hands before me and knew that wasn’t so.
Was I left behind in this never-ending darkness?

No, that doesn’t seem right.

Frantically, I began to run, forcing through the bone-chilling shadows, reaching out for—for what?

As you see I have taken the great liberty of reworking your paragraph. In the original you repeat the same words to create a sense of urgency and even panic. This works better in a longer text. As it is, the text is too short for so many references to nothingness. The remedy is to tighten the text. Take out repeated thoughts so that the reader can absorb your idea. Also use internal thought as I have done with the italicized line. That way you alter from narrative to dialogue without all the she said/he said lines.
You have a gift and many years ahead to secure a place in literature. Good luck and God bless you.



In my novels my hero has two angels on each shoulder. One is celestial and one is an imp from hell. These are the two sides of his nature. Here is a scene from the second story. I hope you like it.

“The phone rudely jangled Jan out of his insomniac’s nap. He pawed the air searching for the offending instrument. Grasping the handset, he resisted the urge to fling it against the wall.

His angel whispered, “Someone might need you.”

His devil retorted, “So what? To heck with ’em, go back to sleep.”

Jan blinked twice, the second time feeling the lack-of-sleep headache behind his eyes. He murmured into the mouthpiece, “This is Jan.”

Michael