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Stew21
11-08-2014, 04:42 AM
I haunt your purgatory shores.
Charon stands sentry
with his oars
and I can't make purchase
no barter
no coin.

(Guilt is heavier than gold
and worth far less)
I digress

and wonder

how I got here.
So close
to your side.
So very far
from my own.

Afraid to move
beyond the shadows
and shades
I flare with the scent
of rosemary
on a wave
of long-dead time.

But no mercy.
No break.
Don't wake.

I skirt the light.

Time is wide
by your river,
not long,
and I can't close my eyes.

I am distant.

Ashore.

And I remain
too stubborn
to accept
Absolution.

Xelebes
11-08-2014, 05:02 AM
I wanted this to twist into a sardonic take on finance and accounting. So close but no cigar. But I'm a greedy bastard like that.

Stew21
11-08-2014, 05:04 AM
Ha! Sorry.

I'm just low on pocket change for the ferryman.

SWest
11-08-2014, 05:20 AM
As a lover of sparse lines I'll say: Right On.

Thank you.

:)

Stew21
11-08-2014, 05:29 AM
Thank you for reading!

The only way it would work for me was short lines. Glad it worked for you, too.

SWest
11-08-2014, 05:36 AM
The words really are in charge, aren't they?

:D

*reads it some more again another times*

Stew21
11-08-2014, 06:08 AM
They are.

Then I scourge them.

C.bronco
11-09-2014, 07:45 AM
Thanks Trish! I immediately heard Led Zeppelin when I clicked on this. It still fits as a soundtrack.

CassandraW
11-09-2014, 08:06 AM
I love the opening 4 stanzas.

IMO, though, you could take out "memory and" in stanza 4, since rosemary is symbolic of remembrance, and I rather prefer "the scent of rosemary on a wave of long dead time."

(I cannot help thinking "thyme," by the way, but that's because I was cooking dinner as I pondered your line, and used some fresh thyme in my dish. :D)

I'm not sure I understand about the time being wide rather than long. I'm reading it to mean that a lot has happened in a relatively short time (and those events have led to this gap you cannot cross, to the guilt you mention in S2, and to the absolution you cannot accept). That works with my reading of the poem, if it's right.

Stew21
11-09-2014, 05:44 PM
Cass, yay, thanks for coming over.
First, i know about the rosemary, and memory, which is why it's there. Wasn't sure if it would be lost and a bit odd sitting there alone. and the time/thyme is exactly what i was hoping for. :)
I'll consider your suggestions. I'm not 100% sold on some of this poem, myself, so suggestions are welcome, and thanks for making them. As for time being wide, yes, you are close on it. Also, time doesn't feel linear when you continually hop back and remember a bad thing. It has a different feeling when you try to straddle it and have a foot in two places.



C.B. :) yes! Glad you got the LZ title. :) the phrase "give no quarter" is what the narrator is doing to herself -no mercy. It also has a fun twist for me, in coins on the eyes to pay the ferryman for passage to the underworld.

CassandraW
11-09-2014, 06:06 PM
My opinion, the usual grain of salt, etc., I don't think the rosemary would be lost sitting by itself. Your stanza is discussing a scent, for one thing, and for another, I think the rosemary/remembrance association is strong enough to stand on its own. If Ophelia can toss it out there, so can you. :D And FWIW, the time/thyme thing jumped out at me when I considered that deletion.

I am making an herb omelet for breakfast in your honor.

Stew21
11-09-2014, 06:21 PM
Ok. You sold me. Rosemary stands alone. :)