Omg Parents, how do you navigate the social minefield of kids and their parents?

Three words: No, thank you.


You don't need to explain, and you don't need to feel guilty. Friendship shouldn't be a commercial exchange, where if you give me something I'm obligated to give you something. It should be about gifts from the heart. If the parents of your kids' friends are feeling put upon, just explain to them some of what you've told us about your house size, etc. Explain it to your kids, too, so they know why they can't have friends over every day of the week.

I'd also, in your situation, consider limiting my kids' outside activities. When my kids were younger, they were allowed one outside activity. When they reached the teen years, they were allowed more, but by then they were able to take the bus to some of them, so I wasn't driving all the time.

I'd also limit the time my kids spent at other people's houses. Yes, they can go over, but not on a weeknight, and not every weekend for hours.

Or whatever restrictions seem reasonable to you.

It seems like you've got the "yes" bug, and your cranky, guilty feeling is your intelligent inner self telling you that the situation is out of control or getting there. Have a family meeting, lay out the new rules, explain why they're being put in place, and then STICK TO THEM.

I wish I could offer more than just this hug. My kids are four (boy), five (girl) and six (boy) and I've only run into one parent (a father) that is not really anyone I care to be around. We're moving this summer, so that's the solution (temporary, because it'll happen again) to my problem.

i never got into that whole 'i hate my parents' thing..

i get along pretty well with my parents, so does my brother

When mine were that age I was caregiving for my father-in-law in our home and my husband worked odd hours. . .sleeping during the daytime, etc. I always felt badly that I couldn't let my kids have lots of company and I think it was worse because when I grew up we always had a housefull of kids there so that was what I thought it "should" be like.

What you could do is maybe every other Saturday take all the kids for a couple hours and go to some place for lunch and then to play at the park. Do a picnic & you can have some writing time while they explore. Go skating or some such. Your husband may enjoy having the house to himself for a couple hours too.

Just don't let it get where it is a chore. Its easy to get "locked in" to these things, then it becomes a job instead of an enjoyable outing with the kids.

Godfather said:

i never got into that whole 'i hate my parents' thing..

i get along pretty well with my parents, so does my brother

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How old are you and why do you get along so well? Maybe I could learn something from you.

Waiting eagerly,

Terri

Kika- Christanity isn't so bad. Tear down the wall and go. What have you got to lose by going to church? Don't worry. I wont hate you if you say no to me.

As far as the kids go, I agree with Yeshanu.


Terri

Jenn, thanks for the hug. And moving sounds like a great idea to me lol!

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You're welcome! Here's another one:

Yeah, moving is what's helping me -- but, remember, I said it was only a temporary solution. It seems like people who make us feel guilty are all over the place.

It does get easier, so to speak. Harder, too. Trust me. One day you'll wake up and ache for the days when you *had* to be involved in every detail of their lives. It's difficult not being needed much. You have to wait for the times when you are wanted, instead. As they get older, those times get much fewer and farther between.

And realizing that I believe I misunderstood your original question, there is this to add:

Dont' feel bad about declining invitations. Hubby and I have this standard thing that everyone we know eventually understood. We aren't the most social people on the planet. More often than not, we don't accept invitations out. Everyone knows that anyone is welcome here, but they also know that we don't participate in much outside the home. That's just who we are. After it sunk in, no one was offended. In fact, we're just the quirky parents of Dan and Seth who never go anywhere, but who will always feed anyone's kids.

Did I misunderstand again? GOOD LORD maybe I just need a drink.

It's hard to find that perfect balance between "get the kids out of the house" and "keep 'em home for family time." The younger two here are in kindergarten, while the oldest is in 8th grade, so we have a wide range of friends coming and going. I've learned that once in a while I have to say, "You know, today's not a good day for so-and-so to come over and play. Maybe we could do it Tuesday instead." You owe yourself the right to say no, and your kids aren't going to turn into horrible people just because you won't let Little Jimmy eat dinner over at your house a fifth time this week.

That having been said, most of my kids parents' are good people and I don't mind having them or their children in my home. My eldest has one friend whom I adore whose parents absolutely hate me and miss no opportunity to say nasty things about me. This is because they think I called Childrens' Services on them. Of course, they liked me just fine when their daughter needed rides to go somewhere or a place to stay on the weekend when they went out of town....

kikazaru said:

...I am Canadian and...it is a very rare thing for anyone to even talk about their faith to relative strangers, let alone witness. It is considered rather impolite here and an infringment of personal space....now I feel guilty because I had to decline such a personal offer.

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Many people here in the U.S. also consider it impolite. I see no reason for you to feel guilty. The woman was presuming when she intimated that you needed to learn about Christianity by attending her church.

And, on another subtopic, children's birthday parties didn't always include gifts for the guests. I don't know when that started or why. Formerly, guests brought gifts for the birthday child. A gift might pass in the other direction if another child got a prize for winning a game, and then it would be a small prize. What do kids who get something for going to a party think they're being honored for?

That's a new one for me too, Reph. There were times when we put together treat bags for guests with things like candy and small toys like jacks or bubbles, but gifts all the way around? That's a bit much.

I think we used to give out gift bags when I was a child. That's like *cough*inthe60s*cough* so I don't know why you think the gift bag idea is new.

As far as people approaching you about their faith, most of the Lutheran churches I've been forced to attend have signs as you leave saying "You are now entering the mission field." Many of strong faith feel it is their duty to "spread the word."

And I've never felt obligated to reciprocate having someone else's child over simply because they had the lack of good sense to invite mine to their place.

Shadow_Ferret said:

I think we used to give out gift bags when I was a child. That's like *cough*inthe60s*cough* so I don't know why you think the gift bag idea is new.

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Well, I wasn't born in the *cough* '60s. It might depend on where you lived, too. Maybe gifts for birthday guests are an urban custom.

You didn't have to cough. I was the one trying to hide my age.

Shadow_Ferret said:

You didn't have to cough.

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Don't think you're the only one who was born in *cough* some decade or other!

Kika, I know what you mean. I HATE drop-ins! I hate surprises! (I hate 'em so much that, unbeknownst to my husband, I am always able to find out in advance what he has gotten me every year for Christmas. Shh!) When I'm not expecting anyone, my house is usually a wreck--even five minutes after I cleaned it, it seems--my clothes look like I dug through the Goodwill rejects, and I generally am not wearing a bra. (Not a pretty sight, trust me.) I've even dove behind the sofa if someone is knocking at the door, because the door-knockers can see into the living room if he/she would want to.

Oh, yeah, I'm pretty reclusive. I try not to be for my kids' sakes, because they are so social. My four-year-old son walks up to someone, puts out his hand, and says, "Hi, I'm Ethan! What's your name?" He's in preschool, and already I'm feeling the pressure of "perfect mom syndrome." I don't want to be the weird mom, but I think I already am. I'm shy at first, and some people take that to be that I'm standoffish, unfortunately.

My fantasy would be that we would get a big, rambling house with tons of room and a very large, fenced yard where the kids could be secure with room to play. Alas, like you, our house is tiny. Although we think that we can get the basement fixed for an extra bedroom and a family/media/guest room. Since we've been discussing moving, we haven't made any improvements on the house, and I'm afraid of people coming in and judging us based on the shape of our house. We have our kids' events elsewhere, too--except for Eleri's birthday, we had a cookout outside on July 4 (her birthday is the 2nd).

There are a few people who come over. One friend with young kids around the same age as mine just almost begged to come over! But that's just as much for us as for getting the kids together. The kids just all have at it with the toys and games; nothing structured. If we take them outside, we just try to keep them corralled in the yard best we can. As engaging as Ethan is, I have never had a mom speak to me about him visiting for a play date. I don't know if they have many play dates in our rural area, if someone else is waiting for me to extend an invitation, or if I and my family qualify as pariah status.

As far as the church invite incident, I'd pretend it never happened. I'm sure they will, too.

But don't worry about the score-keeping thing. Some parents probably will keep score, some won't.

I'm glad you posted this thread. Now I don't feel so bad about how I feel about the whole dadblamed thing!

writerterri said:

How old are you and why do you get along so well? Maybe I could learn something from you.

Waiting eagerly,

Terri

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im 16,
maybe its because i have such a guilty conscience (sp?)
i know how much they've done for me and all that,
and it just aint right in my eyes.

my cousin/friend can be pretty cruel to her mom,
and i just dont get it man.

if i get p*ssed off, i just go out.

Shwebb - you are not alone....

Godfather - um, could you give my kid some lessons?