I shouldn't fixate, but it's the nature of me. Of course, I don't know much about this girl's life, but I looked her up. Last night at 9:30, she was happily chatting with Facebook friends, talking about tv shows and posting funny pictures from that day in school. She had been cuddled up, in the arms of a silly friendly group of drama students in a picture from --- yesterday.
I kept looking through the feed. She had many interests and a responsive group of friends. Her posts were funny and upbeat, a bit of girl power here and there, but no whiff of desperation or melancholy. She did the ice-bucket challenge a few weeks ago. I scrolled down and down and there are no sad or cryptic posts. There are no check-ins with friends to see "if you're okay". Rarely did more than a day or two go by without a status update.
This is just not what we're told to expect to see in depression. It's very hard to process. It's so sad.
Ugh. I haven't talked to my daughter yet. I won't see her for another few hours. This is crazy.
Obviously no one but her knows what was going on in her head, but there are things that are kind of particular to suicide and also to teens, that can explain some of that.
She could have, of course, been depressed but hiding it.
She could have been actually quite upbeat - sometimes people decide to commit suicide and become relived and upbeat that they've figured out what to do, found a 'solution' to what they see as their problems, see an end in sight, etc.
She could have seen suicide not from a depressed perspective, but from an angry/retaliatory/combative one - 'I'll show [whomever], hah!' The kind of thinking that leads people to fantasize about how satisfying it'll be to see the person or people they're focusing on upset at the funeral, or foiled in their attempt to whatever.
I think the best thing you can do with your daughter is listen - create opportunities for her to talk about it, without asking too much or guiding too much at first, and let her speak (or maybe not at first). Then you can see what she's thinking and feeling and go from there.
Where/when does she like to really talk to you? In the car? Cooking? While you're trying to work (heh)? Set up that opportunity without being obvious and leave as many openings as possible to let her talk?
Be there for her, listen to her, and give her the support she needs while she heals. Maybe look up a local grief counselor and give them a call or set up an appointment. A good one can do a lot to help understand and heal in a time like this.
for you and her.
