View Full Version : Your wish is granted...

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03-21-2006, 08:13 AM
Okay, we get to play evil genies.
I'll make a wish.
The next person grants the wish but corrupts it somehow. Then he or she posts a new wish for the next person to corrupt. And so on.

ME: I wish I had Spiderman's powers.

NEXT PERSON: Granted, but you now have four extra arms and an appetite for flies. I wish I were immortal.

NEXT PERSON: Granted, you're stuck in suspended animation forever. I wish I were taller.

Alright, for real...
I wish I had a best-selling novel.

03-21-2006, 08:16 AM
Granted. Here's a copy of The DaVinci Code. All yours, free of charge.

I wish I had a million dollars.

03-21-2006, 08:21 AM
Granted, but it's all in pennies which are going to drop down on you from the sky right about....now.

I wish I were dating a supermodel.

03-21-2006, 08:23 AM
Granted -- meet Spuds Mackenzie.
Granted -- here's Fabio.

I wish I were a professional jazz musician.

Danger Jane
03-21-2006, 08:31 AM
Granted--your salary will be around fifty bucks a year. But you're STILL a pro.

I wish I had a note-taking machine.

03-21-2006, 10:30 AM
Granted! Unfortunately, it takes all the notes in an obscure Proto-Indoeuropean language that you don't speak.

I wish I could take a vacation.

03-21-2006, 11:07 AM
Granted. You will spend six days and seven nights in...Death Valley! Water, sunscreen, air conditioning, and car to leave in are not included.

I wish I could speak 5 different languages.

03-21-2006, 12:52 PM
Granted. But they are all languages no one understands, even you.
I wish I could live in a castle.

Forbidden Snowflake
03-21-2006, 01:16 PM
Granted, it has no ceiling, crumbling walls and has been built before there was anything remotely like a heating system, but it's a castle.

I wish I would never suffer from writers block.

03-21-2006, 02:18 PM
Granted, but all you're able to knock out is cheesy dialogue for the lowest of low-budget porn flicks.

I wish I had x-ray vision.

03-21-2006, 03:18 PM
Granted... but you still live with your parents.

I wish I could fly.

03-21-2006, 06:00 PM
Granted, and Dahling, you look absolutely devastating in that skimpy Virgin Atlantic flight attendant's uniform.

I wish for a spot among the top 5 on the New York Times best seller list.

03-21-2006, 07:32 PM
You got it. Who would think a Pornographic picture book would be such a hot seller?

I wish I was satisfied with my life.

03-21-2006, 09:42 PM
No problem. Just remember your last name is Frey.

I wish I could find a job that I like.

03-21-2006, 09:44 PM
Granted. You find it but no one will hire you because you're "overqualified."

I wish I were the next American idol.

03-21-2006, 09:58 PM
You got it, but you're William "Oh She Bang!" Hung.

I wish I could visit some of the AWers in real life.

03-21-2006, 10:09 PM
Granted. The only problem is they're are all posters in the Take It Outside thread. Good luck.

I wish Microsoft XP was somewhat more secure than a paper bag with holes in it.

03-21-2006, 10:12 PM
Sure. Unfortunately, XP was just replaced with a new operating program.

I wish my house was clean.

03-21-2006, 10:15 PM
Granted, but now it's so antiseptic, it's actually toxic.

I wish for a chocolate chip cookie.

03-21-2006, 10:25 PM
Enjoy. http://images.google.com/images?q=tbn:0lkV-YWLew06JM:www.xoxocandles.com/scent_pictures/choc%2520chip%2520cookie.jpg (http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://www.xoxocandles.com/scent_pictures/choc%2520chip%2520cookie.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.xoxocandles.com/description.htm&h=150&w=200&sz=6&tbnid=0lkV-YWLew06JM:&tbnh=74&tbnw=99&hl=en&ei=6kQgRKHrDZaEJb7Q7NAK&sig2=TLdME_symRM1i4u4IjM9mg&start=75&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dchocolate%2Bchip%2Bcookie%26start%3D6 0%26svnum%3D10%26hl%3Den%26lr%3D%26sa%3DN)

I wish I had enough time in the day to complete my tasks.

03-21-2006, 10:32 PM
POOF!!!! You are a MAYFLY!

I wish I were the senior auditor for the Internal Revenue Service.

03-21-2006, 10:38 PM
You are. Oops. They messed up your classification. Sorry, they made you senior janitor. Close enough for government work.

I wish I had a horse.

03-21-2006, 10:46 PM
Best I could do is a zebra. Oh, and your other pets have become a pride of hungry lions.

I wish I could fly anywhere anytime I want in a private jet.

03-21-2006, 10:53 PM
You can. Unfortunately, you'll still have to pay for the gas. ($12K per tank, is what I hear.)

I wish I could go back in time.

03-21-2006, 10:54 PM
granted - but it has no landing mechanism.

i wish i could fly

03-21-2006, 10:57 PM
Poof! You're a fly. Unfortunately, your life span is about a month now.

I wish I could stay this age forever.

03-21-2006, 11:21 PM
No Problemo. One block of ice coming right up.

I wish I had a house of my own (instead of this apartment.)

03-21-2006, 11:30 PM
The town of Amityville welcomes you to the neighborhood!

I wish I could turn invisible (and visible!) whenever I wished.

03-22-2006, 12:04 AM
::transports sacredmime to the Post Office::

Around here, EVERYONE is invisible!

I wish life made sense.

03-22-2006, 12:27 AM
POOF!!!! That Milton Bradly game you had up on the top shelf of your closet just had the silly double loop straightened out, the divorce court is before the wedding chapel, and all of the carreers are IT, politics and organized crime.

I wish Orlando Bloom, Colin Farrell, and Antonio Banderas were dancing nekkid with me in my office.

03-22-2006, 12:27 AM
Oh they are. However, when Bill Gates opened for them, his hair flew off, blinding you. As you stumbled around trying to get the hair out of your eyes, you crashed into the desk, bumped your head, and were knocked out cold.

I wish I could see Pink Floyd in concert one last time.

Danger Jane
03-22-2006, 01:31 AM
Granted. Then you'll go blind.

I wish I had more cardiovascular endurance.

03-22-2006, 01:58 AM
I bestow upon thee the endurance and power of a mighty Clydesdale!

But until you get used to the bit in your mouth and the rest of the tack, you have to start at the back of the team where the view never changes.

I wish Popeye's Spicy fried chicken, hot fudge sundaes and banana splits fulfilled all of the nutritional requirements of the human body.

Danger Jane
03-22-2006, 02:12 AM
Granted! However, in excess they still clog your arteries. Half portions or BEWARE the dreaded heart problems.

I wish I was omnipotent.

03-22-2006, 02:36 AM
Poof! You're omnipotent. Unfortunately the whole planet just blew up and now there is no one to use all your powers on.

I wish I could eat a ton of food and not gain weight.

03-22-2006, 02:47 AM
I wish I could eat a ton of food and not gain weight.

One ton of iceberg lettuce coming up!

I wish I knew what to do!

03-22-2006, 04:32 AM
I'm sending you an "8-Ball" by parcel post. Just ask away.

I wish I had a date with Diane Lane.

03-22-2006, 05:00 AM
Diane Lane from Birmingham, Alabama is on her way. Be sure to speak up- she's hard of hearing. And you don't mind walkers, right?

I wish I had someone to cook dinner for me.

03-22-2006, 05:04 AM
Granted. Hannibal Lector will be over at seven.

I wish my novels were already edited.

03-22-2006, 05:05 AM
Granted. But I edited them with a knife.

I wish I had the largest penis in the world.

03-22-2006, 05:14 AM
Granted, but now it is too big for you actually use effectively.

I wish I had never read trumancoyote's wish.

03-22-2006, 05:20 AM
Granted. You never heard of AW.

I wish I could keep my purty smile and never have to go to the dentist again!

(I just got back)

03-22-2006, 05:23 AM
Granted, your smile is purty forever.

Welcome to Planet Jack O'Lantern (not to be confused with).

I wish I could be nineteen forever.

Danger Jane
03-22-2006, 05:27 AM
Granted. Time will never pass so you'll never age. Unfortunately, you'll also never be able to spend that wonderful youth on anything.

I wish I knew if there was a hole punch in the library.

03-22-2006, 05:29 AM
Granted. There isn't.

I wish I was a famous singer.

03-22-2006, 05:31 AM
Granted. You're a sewing machine.

I wish I had more will power.

Danger Jane
03-22-2006, 05:34 AM
Granted. But you have no self-control.

I wish my printer had ink.

03-22-2006, 05:36 AM
One giant ink spill coming up!

I wish I wasn't so tired.

03-22-2006, 05:46 AM
Granted, you are addicted to caffeine pills.

I wish my karaoke friends would let me sing "Walk the Line" as it was on American Idol just now.

03-22-2006, 06:09 AM
Granted. But you have to sing in front of a million people, all of which have tomatoes and the karaoke makes you sound like a weezy old windbag with a hole in it

I wish I could sail around the world

03-22-2006, 07:42 AM
Your wish is my command. Richard Simmons will be your cruise director and Jessica Simpson will be the nightly entertainment . . . following the amateur magician.

I wish I had my very own island.

03-22-2006, 07:50 AM
Granted... all Three Miles. Don't eat the fish.

I wish polygamy were legal.

03-22-2006, 07:54 AM
..and now it is. But only with family members.

I wish I could control people's minds.

03-22-2006, 07:50 PM

Welcome to People's island. Owned by the 39 member People's family. They are Orthodox Ludddites. They live in pre neolithic splendor, and now you will too, and be their worshipped leader.

By the way the island is 14 sq miles slightly south-east of Easter Island, no one knows it is there, and they just smashed up the boat you arrived in to make that welcoming fire you wanted.

I wish YOU were President of Somalia!

03-22-2006, 10:09 PM
I am! Oops, there's a coup. I seize power again. Another coup. Oh, well, I'm going to take up phishing like my cousin in Nigeria.

I wish I was a big-time Nashville songwriter.

03-22-2006, 10:23 PM
You are! But you write songs for Eminem, and everyone down there wants to stone you.

I wish money grew on trees.

03-22-2006, 11:52 PM
Granted, but the only denomination it comes in is pennies.

I wish someone would do my scholarship applications for me.

03-22-2006, 11:54 PM
Granted. Bit it only grows conterfeits and money that no long exsist.

I wish life was easy

03-23-2006, 12:08 AM
Scholarship Applications: POOF Done and Done!You now have a full scholarship to Bob Jones University where you will study to be a Dr. of Divinty.

EASY LIFE: POOF, that Milton Bradley game you have now only has a start and finish, no dice and in one move you win!

I wish I knew what was on the Dark Side Of The Moon.

03-23-2006, 12:22 AM
http://photobucket.com/albums/c34/JAlpha/th_bootyshake.gif (http://photobucket.com/albums/c34/JAlpha/?action=view&current=bootyshake.gif)

I wish I had a dollar for every smilie in my arsenal :D

Bob Dole
03-23-2006, 12:51 AM
Your wish is granted but for everyone dollar you make off your smilies you lose two dollars to the goverment.

I wish that in a future civillazation the goverment would actually take into consideration the needs of it's citizens and not cash.

03-23-2006, 01:06 AM
Bob, you need to post a wish.

I wish Bob would post a wish...

Bob Dole
03-23-2006, 01:09 AM
your wish is granted but now you have to edit your post.

I wish that I could completely understand the Japanese language both in text and in sound plus I could speak and write in it to.

03-23-2006, 01:19 AM
Dearest sweet bobby! Your wish is my command...POOF!!! You are now a 'Saturday Morning Cartoon Show Anime Character' : comic relief version 1.5.

I wish Brad Pitt were standing in my office, wearing the latest Anne Klein dress.

Bob Dole
03-23-2006, 01:39 AM
your wish is granted but he trips on a conveniently placed banana peel(haha) hitting his head on your desk making a fatal injury. You then go to court and it is ruled you murdered him murder. After that all of jails horrors.

I wish that somthing interstingly evil would make dumb people smart.

Danger Jane
03-23-2006, 04:33 AM
Granted. The government decides that since everyone is smart there is no need for education and thus abolishes school. A generation of smart people saturates the job market and ruins the economy. Then, due to the lack of school, the world slumps into a dark age full of intelligent know-nothings. All knowledge is lost.

I wish I weighed ninety-seven pounds.


03-23-2006, 04:37 AM
Granted. I've removed all your bones.

I wish I didn't smell so much like smoke, so my boyfriend won't get mad at me.

03-23-2006, 05:03 AM
Your wish is my command. Now you smell like sour milk

03-23-2006, 05:24 AM
Wish, Jewel. No free rides!

03-23-2006, 06:34 AM
Wish, Jewel. No free rides!

do you think Jewel wishes there were free rides?

Make a wish PoetIAH

03-23-2006, 08:19 AM
I thought I did!!

I wish I had the bestest garden ever!

03-23-2006, 08:26 AM
Granted. However, you'll now have Amazonian tribes as your neighbors.

I wish I could live independently.

Danger Jane
03-23-2006, 08:48 AM
Granted. Your home is a tiny cave in the mountains surrounded by everything you need to live. As in, to survive. Berries and sticks. And of course no means of communication like the internet.

I wish I had bones :(

Bob Dole
03-23-2006, 08:53 AM
your wish is granted but these bones are incredibly fragile and brek quite easily

I wish that I had a well tamed wolf that would not bite anyone unless they threatened them.

03-23-2006, 09:39 AM
Granted. However, you're madly in love with a woman who hates your wolf. It's only a matter of time....

I wish I were an Oscar Mayer weiner

03-23-2006, 01:02 PM
Granted, But you can't whistle.

I wish I had my own personal library

03-23-2006, 04:22 PM
Your wish is granted in full. Oh, the books were all "remainders" from PublishAmerica. We'll be sending more soon! How you you feel about vampire books and books with a strange resemblance to Harry Potter and LOTR?

I wish I had more vacation time.

03-23-2006, 06:45 PM
Done! You've been laid off, and now you have vacation 24/7 -- but you can't afford to go anywhere.

I wish my cats could talk.

03-23-2006, 07:59 PM
Your wish is granted. Your cats can talk. They're quite erudite, too. However, they are and will always be cats so.......

They aren't talking to you.

I wish I could claw my way out of this grave.

03-23-2006, 09:21 PM
Granted. But now you have no fingernails.

I wish I could dance like Snoopy.


03-23-2006, 09:55 PM
Granted, but now Charlie Brown is your master.

I wish I was the most powerful sorceror in the world.

03-23-2006, 10:11 PM
Granted. But where did you leave that wand?...

I wish I never had poops that were difficult to wipe.

03-23-2006, 10:25 PM
No problem. You've got the worst case of constipation in the history of the world.

I wish for peace on earth.

03-23-2006, 10:45 PM
No problem. The bombs will begin dropping in ten seconds.

I wish I had taken the blue pill.

03-24-2006, 12:15 AM
The Drixoral has completely dried up your drippy sinus!

I wish I had 500 calories worth of fresh chocolate cheesecake right here in front of me now and a cup of coffee to go with it, and no coworkers that want to share.

Danger Jane
03-24-2006, 04:30 AM

All the starving children in India just showed up at your office. They want cake.

I wish I had a bazillion colored pencils :|

03-24-2006, 04:35 AM
Granted. They are all white.

I wish I had a garden with fresh vegetables.

03-24-2006, 04:38 AM
Done. But it's surrounded with poison ivy.

I wish cigarettes were cheaper.

03-24-2006, 04:42 AM
Poof! They are now .75 a pack. They are, however, only sold in Anchorage, Alaska - on Sundays.

I wish I understood how computers work.

03-24-2006, 04:48 AM
Here. I plugged it in for you. :)

Why do people wish upon a star?

03-24-2006, 05:25 AM
Because it will come true. Unfortunately, you used up your only wish to get that answer.

I wish my cats would behave.

03-24-2006, 05:28 AM
granted, but your cats were replaced with fish.

i wish i could be myself.

Bob Dole
03-24-2006, 06:14 AM
your wish is granted but you now have many enimies who dont like the real you

I wish love didnt exist.

Danger Jane
03-24-2006, 06:27 AM
Granted. Unfortunately I also had to do away with all other emotions and we all know where this leads...

I wish I knew where that led.

Bob Dole
03-24-2006, 06:59 AM
your wish is granted it leads to you having intelligence but you use it to make the ultimate slip in slide

I wish I had a brain. (I am a scare crow)

Danger Jane
03-24-2006, 07:22 AM
Granted. Unfortunately your brain was donated by a homicide victim. It has bullet holes in it. Oh, well--not like you REALLY need a subconscious anyway!

I wish I had more time.

03-24-2006, 07:28 AM
Granted. You now have twice as many hours in a day. Unfortunately, you'll be serving a life sentence in a solitary prison cell.

I wish I were taller.

03-24-2006, 07:43 AM
Granted. You will now be the desired height tomorrow. Unfortunately, you won't stop growing

I wish I had all my homework done

03-24-2006, 07:58 AM
Granted. But you're enrolled in the School of Hard Knocks. Now for the extra credit....

I wish I could time-travel.

03-24-2006, 08:05 AM
Back to the ice age you go http://photobucket.com/albums/c34/JAlpha/th_IS687-067.jpg (http://photobucket.com/albums/c34/JAlpha/?action=view&current=IS687-067.jpg)

I wish I was going somewhere exotic for spring break.

03-24-2006, 08:12 AM
Welcome to Fallujah.

I wish I had a hot date for the weekend.

03-24-2006, 08:17 AM
Granted. They're just not of your preferred sex.

I wish there was an easy solution to the horse-and-college problem.

03-24-2006, 08:14 PM
No problemo. My cat just took your horse's SAT and got 1100. Which is not great but it is good enough for Texas A&M. You just need to pay a little extra for room and board. I mean..it is a HORSE!

I wish someone would take down all of these !&*##!! 'inspirational' posters and put up a few of Marilyn Manson and Metallica.

03-24-2006, 10:55 PM
Granted, but now no one feels inspired and your company becomes bankrupt.

I wish I were pretty and witty and wise.

03-25-2006, 03:15 AM
Granted. But you're going to die in one week.

I wish I wasn't depressed.

03-25-2006, 03:18 AM
Zap! You are now permanently happy, but all your interesting friends won't talk to you and your poetry now dries up from lack of emotional depth.

I wish I didn't have to clean the house.

Danger Jane
03-25-2006, 03:23 AM
Granted! You don't! But you lose all friends because your house is such a pigsty. But you dont have to do it because no one's going to make you.

I wish I had more gum.

03-25-2006, 03:36 AM
You do - but unfortunatel;y it's been scraped off the pavement.

I wish I had some new clothes.

03-25-2006, 03:49 AM
Granted, but they're all woven from human armpit hair.

I wish I had some vanilla ice cream to eat. Yum!

03-25-2006, 04:47 AM
Granted. But it's already melted and you have no spoon...or napkins

I wish I hadn't missed the hail here in hawaii

03-25-2006, 04:23 PM
I wish I hadn't missed the hail here in hawaii
Granted. However, your hat has holes, and your heart's hazy health means that all these H words hurt like holy hell.

I wish the dreamt-of AW convention would happen soon, and we could all get away, afford it, and get there for it.

03-25-2006, 07:19 PM
I wish the dreamt-of AW convention would happen soon, and we could all get away, afford it, and get there for it.

Granted! But soon after arrival, everybody will start fighting and find out that they only thought they had things in common. The soire is such a disaster, none of us have the stomach to go back to AW, which means it'll never be the same again.

I wish movie makers wouldn't use so many vulgar words, so my 8 year old could watch them.

03-25-2006, 08:27 PM
Done! In fact, all words are taken out and hollywood begins it's new "mime era."

I wish I could talk to squirrels.

03-25-2006, 11:04 PM
I wish I could talk to squirrels.

You got it. Unfortunately, you also had to quit your job, because they were unwilling to move your office up in a tree.

I wish I had three wishes.

03-26-2006, 12:13 AM
Granted! But on one condition - they all must have something to do with asparagus or another equally unpleasant vegatable.

I wish I could think of something to write for my essay.

03-26-2006, 12:17 AM
No problem! Your essay is about the word "something." 2500 words.

I wish my kids would stop eating me out of house and home.

03-26-2006, 12:32 AM
Granted. All their teeth fall out and they now gain sustenance solely by sucking the life force out of Girl Scouts.

I wish I had a box of Girl Scout cookies.

03-26-2006, 01:45 AM
No problem. I'll send Troop 206, 1419, 383 and 2880 to see you, plus the daughters of all the people I work with.

I wish they would start the race at Bristol and stop talking about it.

Danger Jane
03-26-2006, 02:20 AM
Granted. But then your cable goes out and you are forced to listen to the radio commentary, which doesn't exist because they stopped talking about it.

I wish I had a magic phone that always worked.

03-26-2006, 03:37 AM
Granted - but being a magic phone, it's only connected to Fairyland.

I'd like to be young and slim again.

03-26-2006, 03:49 AM
Granted. You're 12 again. Now clean your room and get off the phone. And no, you can't have boys over.

I wish I had a Ferrari.

03-26-2006, 09:38 AM
your wish is my command... except, you got a formula one car that crashed into another car, so you can''t even open the door.

i wish my babysitting job was over.

03-26-2006, 09:49 AM
Granted. But now you have to go take care of your little siblings instead.

I wish Dee (my girl) lived nearer.

03-26-2006, 10:11 PM
but she's now trying to kill you.

i wish i were funnier

03-26-2006, 10:51 PM
Bingo! You're Richard Simmons. Everyone think he's funny.

I wish I knew the answer to everything. I thought it was 42, but I haven't got it to work.

03-26-2006, 11:02 PM
Granted. Except you now don't know what the frigging questions are.

I wish I were well endowed.

03-27-2006, 12:06 AM
Granted. Unfortunately the rest of you got horribly disfigured in the process

I wish life would go the way we needed it to go

03-27-2006, 01:19 AM
Granted. But now you're dead and can't enjoy it.

I wish the sun would come out.

03-27-2006, 01:22 AM
It did, and it's not going back in for six months. Crops in your area fail because of the drought.

I wish my ship would come in.

03-27-2006, 01:27 AM
granted, but its a one man dingy

i wish i was happy

03-27-2006, 01:35 AM
You are but you are stepping off a cliff and falling into the river where you will try to swim with a broken leg.

I wish I were home.

03-27-2006, 01:46 AM
Granted. You've got shingles.

I wish I'd studied harder in college.

03-27-2006, 01:48 AM
your wish is my command. but i think you should know this: your home is a damp, small cardboard box on the side of the street in the ghetto of new york.

hm... i wish i could breathe under water.

03-27-2006, 03:32 AM
Granted. Now you can't breath in the air.

I wish I had a pet dragon.

03-27-2006, 03:43 AM
Granted. Good luck. . . your house will soon be full of dragon poop.

I wish George Lucas would give Industrial Light and Magic to me.

Albedo of Zero
03-27-2006, 04:24 AM
Granted...now your house is lit up like a factory and you have a basketball player dribbling all over.

I wish Matthew McConaughey would come sit beside me and be my muse.

03-27-2006, 07:19 AM
Granted. All you can write about is gossip from Variety Magazine.

I wish I were physically fit.

Bob Dole
03-27-2006, 08:06 AM
Someone steals all your tecknowlegey and personal belongings. Leaving only exersise equpment and healthy food. (enjoy)

I wish I had a sandwitch.

03-27-2006, 09:00 AM
Granted. But when high tide comes , it melts (water and witches don't mix).

I wish I could beat up bullies.

03-27-2006, 11:04 AM

I wish they were all smaller than you.

03-27-2006, 06:38 PM
Granted. They are all 'Oompa Loompas'.

I wish my yard were expertly landscaped into the yard of my dreams.

03-27-2006, 07:01 PM
Granted. They are all 'Oompa Loompas'.

I wish my yard were expertly landscaped into the yard of my dreams.

Granted. Too bad you've been having all those dreams about hell lately.

I wish I could retire.

03-27-2006, 09:52 PM
granted. you've no pension

i wish i had an extra arm

03-27-2006, 09:59 PM
Done deal. Extra arm now installed where dangly bits used to be.

I wish spring would hurry up and get here.

03-27-2006, 10:15 PM
It's here... Along with potholes in every major road you regularly travel. Your car's springs are shot.

I wish I had a new car.

03-27-2006, 10:57 PM
Granted. Your new car is a 1985 Yugo.

I wish I had a genuine Canadian dollar for every time I've washed my car.

03-28-2006, 12:01 AM
Granted. But they're assessing you a $1.35 environmental impact fee for each time. Water waster!

I wish I had a cabin in the woods. (I already have the woods if that helps.)

03-28-2006, 12:35 AM
POOF! Wish granted. A classic 1835 log cabin, weeks away from the nearest humans and with everything an 1835 fur trapper would want. But the woods is now the only property you own, the property line runs down the middle of your fire pit and miss Sasquatch and her 3 ugly sisters moved in right across the road.

I wish you wouldn't look at me that way.

03-28-2006, 01:13 AM
Granted but "Look out for that BUS!"

I wish I could design a transporter that really works.

03-28-2006, 02:57 AM
Granted, But you can only write the design schematics in Klingon.

I wish I won the New York Lottery.

03-28-2006, 03:14 AM
Granted, although 500,000 people won, too.

I wish for world peace.

03-28-2006, 03:15 AM
Mmmkay. Granted. When you're ninety.

I wish I was invisible.

03-28-2006, 03:17 AM
Who said that? Come out, come out, wherever you are.

I wish I had X-Ray vision.

Bob Dole
03-28-2006, 03:21 AM
granted but it is illegal to use them where you live.

I wish I had a good story idea right now.

03-28-2006, 03:24 AM
Granted. Here you go: There's a ancient secret held by the Catholic Church, clues are hidden in a painting. . . .

I wish I had a good story idea right now (preferably with a bunny. . . for a contest).

Bob Dole
03-28-2006, 03:25 AM
granted- but the idea has to many dead bunnies and the contest won't except it

I wish I had a new hat.

03-28-2006, 03:58 AM
your wish is my command, bob dole... but, the wind just blew it off and it fell into the sewer. eeewww...

i wish i had A's in all of my classes until after college.

03-28-2006, 06:43 AM
Granted, but your major has now been changed to underwater basket-weaving.

I wish I could be physically fit without exercise.

Bob Dole
03-28-2006, 07:24 AM
granted you dont have only enough food to live.

I wish I had a hotdog.

03-28-2006, 08:24 AM
Granted. It's designed to look and smell exactly like a real one, but is made entirely from tire rubber.

I wish I was in Japan already.

03-28-2006, 08:32 AM
Granted. You're a minke whale.
damn, that's sad

I wish I made people happy.

03-28-2006, 08:54 AM
Granted. But you've made them so happy they want to kill you gleefully for making them so friggin happy.

I wish huge spouse fights never happened. The little ones are ok.

03-28-2006, 07:25 PM
Granted! Your spouse now shrinks down to the size of a 'Lego' person every time a fight starts, causing everyone to laugh.

I wish my cat didn't have such a snide 'my box don't stink' attitude.

03-28-2006, 07:30 PM
Granted. Your cat is now a dog, and poops in your shoe.

I wish I'd picked George Mason in the Final Four.

03-30-2006, 07:32 AM
Granted. But history changed to allow it, and now he lost. So you picked him, but you're still wrong.

I wish I weren't sick.

03-30-2006, 07:38 AM
Granted, but everyone else in your house is. You'll be taking care of them all for a while....

I wish I could play sax like Sonny Rollins.

September skies
03-30-2006, 07:45 AM
granted but the genie that granted it heard wrong and thought you said: "I with I could have sex like Sonny Rollins -- and he doesn't get any.

I wish I could sleep in tomorrow - at least till 6:30 a.m.

03-30-2006, 07:51 AM
Granted. You sleep in 'til noon & nothing you were supposed to do before then gets done.

I wish I didn't have allergies.

September skies
03-30-2006, 08:01 AM
granted. But you do have alligators instead -- all over the yard.

I wish I didn't have to wait one more hour to see who gets booted off American Idol tonight.

03-30-2006, 08:03 AM
Granted. *pulls out a shotgun and shoots the T.V.* No you'll have to wait more than an hour.

I wish I had a cookie...

03-30-2006, 08:05 AM
Granted. Your computer is loaded with spyware. Your vital details are stolen, and it takes you half an hour to post to AW.

I wish smoking were good for you.

03-30-2006, 08:12 AM
Granted. You have the bladder problem (as seen on House) where cigarettes will help alleviate the problem.

I wish someone would critique my first chapter.

03-30-2006, 08:14 AM
Granted. Bruebelly scone NOT dericious. :D

I wish I could let go of that line.

03-30-2006, 11:08 AM
Granted. But now you got a worse line that you can't get rid of.

I wish I was with the one I love

03-30-2006, 03:33 PM
Granted. But he/she is in an advanced stage of Alzheimer's, and does not remember a thing.

I wish I had plenty of money.

03-30-2006, 03:37 PM
Granted. But it's all from when my 'thimble' piece landed on Ventnor Ave. with a hotel.

I wish I could speak all the European languages fluently.

03-30-2006, 05:24 PM
granted, your not allowed to go to europe, and you lost the ability to speak english.

i wish someone would critique my poem

Albedo of Zero
03-30-2006, 06:30 PM
Granted, but all the crits came from poetry.com which means you still have no idea if it works or not.

I wish spring was here.

03-30-2006, 07:22 PM
Granted. But you have been relocated to Ice Station Zebra.

I wish I had a lolly.

03-30-2006, 09:38 PM
Granted. Tis made out of saccharine.

I wish someone would drive a Mack Truck over my shed, then back off and drive over it again. And again. AND AGAIN!!!!!!

03-30-2006, 10:14 PM
Granted but all of your kids Easter presents were in the shed and the stores close in 5 minutes.

I wish I had wings so I could fly.

03-30-2006, 10:47 PM
granted, you have no arms or legs

i wish i was a piano virtuoso

03-30-2006, 11:33 PM
GRanted. BUt now you're blind.

I wish my neck didnt hurt.

03-30-2006, 11:36 PM
Granted but now your butt hurts worse than your neck.

I wish my house would clean itself as skillfully as if my Mom had done the job.

03-30-2006, 11:43 PM
Granted. But now it won't stop cleaning. The dishwasher, faucets, washing machine, and dryer are now running all the time so your electricity bill goes through the roof, and your vacuum makes scheduled runs through each room every hour so you can't sleep.

I wish I had more energy and would stop wanting to take a nap every few hours.

03-31-2006, 12:07 AM
Granted. You now have ADHD and a caffeine addiction.

I wish my cat could and would make decent coffee every morning at 7.

03-31-2006, 12:09 AM
Granted but unfortunately the cat can't reach the tap so it has to use water from the toilet.

I wish my husband would finish putting on the baseboards and trim at our cabin.

03-31-2006, 12:18 AM
Granted. But he took the roof don't and started tinkering with it.

I wish that when I go get some coffee, it would already be made.

03-31-2006, 01:08 AM
Your wish is granted, but my cat made the coffee.

I wish I didn't have the urge to comb the fringe on the carpets everytime I walk across them.

03-31-2006, 01:19 AM
Granted but the prescription killed ALL of your other urges too.

I wish I could drink more than 1 martini without needing a nap.

03-31-2006, 01:43 AM
Granted. One martini makes you too paranoid to sleep.

I wish I'd taken that left turn at Albequerque.

03-31-2006, 01:46 AM
You did. Now you're where you're supposed to be, at the Koatala (sp?) Valley, and the big carrot festival therein, and Warner Brothers has cancelled your multi-billion dollar contract because you're not having any more adventures they can film.

I wish my cold would go away.

03-31-2006, 02:09 AM
Granted but it has been replaced by both the mumps and the chicken pox.

I wish my friends at AW would come to my house for dinner.

03-31-2006, 03:33 AM
Oh, we'll be there..........open bar, you say?

I wish there weren't so many snakes in my yard.

03-31-2006, 03:58 AM
Granted; St. Patrick gets rid of them. But now he won't leave your house and he's eating all your food.

I wish my grade in Statistics was higher.

Danger Jane
03-31-2006, 04:31 AM
Granted. Two percent up and you're failing everything else!

I wish I had a lot of Fritos.

03-31-2006, 04:36 AM
Granted but you must now spend eternity being offended by Frito-burp.

I wish I could go on vacation to some place tropical.

03-31-2006, 04:43 AM
congratulations! you are standed on an island with no food or water... you're life expectancy: two days.

i wish spring break would never end.

03-31-2006, 06:13 AM
Granted. *sigh* But it rains the whole time, and your boyfriend has run off with your best friend. And mom is coming to stay.

(I hated to do that one.)

I wish I have 12 weeks of vacation a year, rather than just three.

03-31-2006, 06:54 AM
Granted, but you have to spend them with your least favorite cousin (the one that smells like mothballs and motor oil).

I wish it was tomorrow.

03-31-2006, 07:03 AM
Granted. Of course, it's still today here, but you're in Siberia. So it's tomorrow. It's freezing cold. And you're naked.

I wish Paris Hilton would just go away.

Albedo of Zero
03-31-2006, 07:35 AM
It is but you have to wait until tomorrow to enjoy it.

I wish my garden was already tilled.

03-31-2006, 09:53 AM
Granted and granted. Paris has gone away but Nicole Richie is now touring your city and has decided it's so beautiful that she'll never leave. She's moving in next door to you. Her housewarming party will start around 4 am. Hope you don't mind hearing a thousand obnoxious partiers for years to come.

Paris decides to earn a living for herself by tilling Albedo's garden. Hope you don't mind her yelling "That's hot!" every thirty seconds, but hey, your garden looks fantastic!

I wish I had 10 acres so I could have room for a bunch of puppies!!

03-31-2006, 10:00 AM
Granted. But they're Hush Puppies. You inherit the collection of Imelda Marcos' 'sensible' sister.

I wish I could fold a paper airplane that did amazing tricks.

03-31-2006, 10:17 AM
Granted! It makes hourly sorties over the neighbourhood and drops REAL bombs.

I wish I were surrounded by gorgeous females.

03-31-2006, 11:09 AM
You are, but they're accompanied by their very tall, very muscular boyfriends who deck you every time you look at their girlfriends.

I wish I had my own plane so I could fly anywhere I want to.

03-31-2006, 11:57 AM
Granted. But it has no gas.

I wish I never got these headaches in the first place

03-31-2006, 12:06 PM
Granted.... you have no head.

I wish that it was summer already.

03-31-2006, 12:25 PM
granted, its the coldest summer ever, colder than winter

i wish i knew what to wish for

03-31-2006, 02:45 PM
Granted. You know what to wish for. You have no more wishes.

I wish those days would
come on back once more, I miss those days. Why
did they have to go? I loved them so...

03-31-2006, 04:49 PM
Granted. You now have acne, can't get a date for the prom, get wedgies in the locker room, fail to make the badminton team, and have to eat your vegetables (yes, even cauliflower). Yes, those were the days. . . .

I wish all my spring yard work was done.

03-31-2006, 06:51 PM
POOF!!! The teamsters have come to your yard and paved over every squaree centimeter of ground, to a depth of 3 feet. They left you a flower pot with a plastic flower in it, and a bill, of course.

I wish I could spend a week at a writer's conference with my five favorite authors.

03-31-2006, 07:38 PM
Granted. Of course, the five authors hate each other and pout the whole week -- when they're not getting drunk, that is. You spend the week in the bar listening to the bartender with a diamond in his nose tell you his story idea for a best-selling novel ("how hard can it be?") that's "better than Lord of the Rings".

I wish I had a Border Collie (even though dogs are evil).

03-31-2006, 08:06 PM
Granted. My friend has one named Bruno. He pees on me every chance he gets. I should be happy...he bites everyone else. I have observed him herding her cats, too. I'll leave him in your front yard.....

I wish my tummy didn't feel so..........urp......

03-31-2006, 09:44 PM
your wish is my command:

you now have the whooping cough.

i wish the world wasn't full of corrupt governments.

03-31-2006, 09:56 PM
Granted - the government is squeaky clean but the rest of the world is completely corrupt.

I wish that I could be with my Mom eating home-made, delicious chocolate chip cookies (warm, right out of the oven).

03-31-2006, 10:02 PM
Granted. And your mom will enjoy it too; she's been meaning to point out a few of your tiny, tiny faults . . . such as the way you dress, your relationships, your tendency to sleep too late, not getting enough exercise, not watching your weight, watching too much TV. . . and eating way too many cookies.

I wish they would produce the play I'm writing.

03-31-2006, 10:08 PM
Congratulations, they are going to produce your play but only if Jessica Simpson and Willian Hung have the leading rolls. Also, at least 6 of the supporting rolls must be rewritten so they can be played by cats, in heat.

I wish all of my dirty laundry was washed, folded and put away properly.

03-31-2006, 10:15 PM
your wish is my command. i didn't know your entire wardrobe was made from dirty diapers! how... original!

i wish i never had to give bad news.

03-31-2006, 10:17 PM
Granted, every time you try to speak you begin a full-blown panic attack that renders you speechless.

I wish I could finish the book I am reading today.

03-31-2006, 10:34 PM
Granted. Just turn to the last two pages and read those.

I wish I had a brownie to go with the lunch I just had.

03-31-2006, 11:47 PM
POOF! There you go. A nice big thick one too. just the way you like it. See genies aren't all bad!
Now wasn't that tasty?

I wish I knew where all of my Exlax went.

04-01-2006, 01:40 AM
I'll tell you. You got it confused with your birth control pills. You're going to be making another wish in a few weeks.


I wish I cared enough to know what the heck is going on around here.

04-01-2006, 02:31 AM
Granted. You now care so much that everything we send sends you in estatic spells or weeping fits.

I wish my homewrok was already done

04-01-2006, 02:46 AM
Granted. I'll send my 4-year-old nephew right over to help scribble in some answers.

I wish I could have my own TV show.

04-01-2006, 05:44 AM
Okay! You're now the host of C-Span Idol. Every week new politicians give really long, boring speeches and one of them is voted off. The judges are George Wills, Molly Ivins and Jesse Jackson. Here's hoping for a long run.

I wish I knew where my cat has hide during the thunderstorm.

04-01-2006, 05:56 AM
You found it. And all the poop and puke your cat left as a result of being scared once too often... (Yeah, I have cats too.)

I wish my book would write itself.

04-01-2006, 07:30 AM
Granted. It's called 7*&(# y& ()*rlke;a .

I wish I could regrow severed limbs.

04-01-2006, 07:33 AM
Granted....... you now have all the severed limbs you want, growing every which way, some not your own.

I wish I could drop everything and follow a dream........

04-01-2006, 07:59 AM
Granted. You're taking a final exam, in Latin, in your underwear.

I wish I could whistle.

04-01-2006, 08:01 AM
I can't whistle either - been trying for thirty years. So, *poof* but now we have less in common.

I wish I didn't need to sleep.

A. Hamilton
04-01-2006, 07:24 PM
whizzam..you are eternally energized and no longer need sleep, but in place of fatigue you have been given an overwhelming ability to produce gas..and become increasingly uncomfortable..soon to explode..

I wish I wasn't so sarcastic.

04-01-2006, 09:48 PM
Granted. Every time you would have been sarcastic, a jet of acidic venom shoots out your nostrils instead.

I wish I had the gift of prophecy.

Danger Jane
04-02-2006, 01:18 AM
Granted. However, you only seem to predict horribly depressing things and they all come true.

I wish I had a distinguishing Christian name like Septimus.

04-02-2006, 01:35 AM
Granted. You're a nun.

I wish the sun would come out and the rain would stop!

04-02-2006, 02:44 AM
Granted. Now the rain has stopped and the sun is out. Unfortunately, it'll never rain and the sun will never go away. Everything's drying up. Everyone is dying. The world is drying up.

I wish I had something to wish for (toady was a perfect day)

04-02-2006, 03:34 PM
Granted. You do. Now, what is it?

I wish I weren't so gullible (April Fool's Day just takes it right out of me).

04-02-2006, 05:04 PM
granted, now you refuse to believe anything (even that you've been paid)

i wish i was a harmonica virtuoso

Danger Jane
04-02-2006, 08:16 PM
Granted. You are good for absolutely nothing else. All the energy that was channeled into many venues now goes to harmonica playing.

I wish I had a hamburger.

04-02-2006, 08:56 PM
No problem. I have one that's been sitting on my counter for a few days I could give you. Of course, you do know that the bacteria count doubles every 20 minutes...

I wish I could lose a few of these excess pounds that have been around for a few years.

04-02-2006, 09:01 PM
Your wish is granted. You have a tapeworm now.

I wish football season started today.

04-02-2006, 09:58 PM
Granted..... but it's arena football abd they're all kickers.

I wish to be taller.

04-02-2006, 10:15 PM
Granted. Your neck is now 9 inches longer.

I wish I had bought Microsoft stock in 1984.

04-03-2006, 12:10 AM
Granted but you bought it through your ex-company's pension plan (the one that went belly-up when the administrator took all the money and disappeared to Mars).

I wish it was Saturday.

04-03-2006, 01:49 AM
granted and granted. you have one until midnight on saturday night. you locked yourself in the freezer by accident in your underwear and you just got out of the shower so you're enclosed in a block of ice. shivering, you take your cell phone out of your pajama pants, and you call the first number on your contants : your child's day care center. of course, nobody's there, so when you try to call someone that can help you, your phone is out of batteries. oh, by the way, nobody finds you until sunday morning when your kid opens the freezer door to get some breakfast. s/he believes you're a monster and when you get melted, your child won't go near you for a year. your child and spouse have officially disowned you. have fun with that!

i wish i could finish crocheting my baby blanket for my brother in an hour and have it still look beautiful.

Danger Jane
04-03-2006, 01:54 AM
Granted. Your soul now belongs to Tiny Terror.

I wish it belonged to me.

04-03-2006, 02:59 AM
Granted but in order to collect you have to go to Utah on a record-temperature breaking day in the middle of summer with 6 children under the age of 4. Oh, yes, the air conditioning is broken in the mini-van, only 2 of the kids are potty-trained, the mini-van has vinyl seats, you have a headache and the only thing that's keeping the kids quiet for 2 or 3 minutes at a time is Barney singing "I love you, You love me"...

I wish someone would come to my house and serve me a delicious dinner (right after they cook it from scratch and clean the kitchen).

04-03-2006, 03:03 AM
Granted. It'll be fit for a dog. As a matter of fact, it will be dogfood. I hope I don't break all the dishes while I'm cleaning up . . . but I probably will.

I wish I had gotten more done this weekend.

04-03-2006, 03:19 AM
Done, you are stuck in a time loop, much like a very bad episode of Star Trek. In fact, William Shatner is with you and his halting dialogue and hand gestures are driving you insane.

I wish the person I have a crush on would call me and ask me out.

04-03-2006, 03:21 AM
he/she does. Unfortunately it is a prank and now everyone knows you're a loser and laugh at you when you walk by.

I wish I could fast forward time several months