View Full Version : Your wish is granted...

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Soccer Mom
09-01-2006, 10:45 PM
Granted. You have an army of elves to do your bidding. Unfortunately, they are bad little elves and they didn't pay for the things they took and they firebombed the stores when they were done. Get the door. It's the arson quad wanting to know to whom the elves belong. You answer, "Ask not for whom the elves stole. They stole for me."

I wish I had an army of GOOD elves to do my bidding. :D

09-01-2006, 10:50 PM
Granted, however, they don't understand one word of english and do exactly as they wish and only when they want too, which includes sleeping and raiding the refrig.

I wish I would get over this stomach flu or what ever it is that I've had for the last 24 hours!

09-01-2006, 10:55 PM
Granted! But now you suffer from dementia, dyslexia, dyspepsia, doldrums,
diarrhea, dysentery, and downs syndrome. and you think you're going blind.

But 'Cindy' is your nurse and she loves you.

I wish Soccer Mom hadn't gambled away all of the money in her Elves' retirement, pension, and medicare accounts when you guys were partying with the Orcs.

09-01-2006, 11:03 PM
Granted. Soccer Mom was found out, ala ENRON, and has escaped to the Caymans where all the money is. The Elves were broke, until they penned a best seller about scandals, money laundering and Soccer Mom's sorded and dirty past.

I wish I had a mango martini to go with lunch.

09-01-2006, 11:04 PM
Granted. Mango( from Sat Night Live) shows up with a stirred martini that has a tad too much vermouth.

I wish all my friends from AW could come to the beach and party with me tomorrow.

09-01-2006, 11:08 PM
No granted...Thanks to you, with all the c**p you gave me, I'm only going to be living between the bed and toilet this weekend!

I now wish Jaycinth won't be able to light the bonfire!

09-01-2006, 11:38 PM
Granted. She doesn't actually have to light the bonfire, she just has to set 'Cindy' on fire and push her.

I wish I had a pool, it's gonna be hot this weekend.

Soccer Mom
09-01-2006, 11:40 PM
Granted. Sorry we had to raze your house to make room. Zoning restrictions and all. You understand.

I wish my kids could teleport themselves home from school so I didn't have to go get them.

09-02-2006, 01:00 AM
Granted!. However,, armed withtheir new teleportation powers, they decide school is optional. Then they decide they'd rather live in Tahiti. Then they decide they'd rather live well in Tahiti. Lying on the beach, you begin to wonder where all the cash came from.

Gee, I wish they arrest and convict the person on the lounge chair next to you by mistake.

Soccer Mom
09-02-2006, 01:05 AM
Granted. I'll miss my husband. He was a nice man, but I'll visit him in prison.

I wish I didn't have to get out of bed on my day off.

09-02-2006, 01:28 AM
Granted you don't - don't pay any attention to those strange noises coming from the kitchen - the kids are fixing their own dinner. You do have fresh batteries in the smoke detector, right?

I wish more people would write to Ask DClary -- he is sooooo good.

09-02-2006, 01:43 AM
I wish more people would write to Ask DClary -- he is sooooo good.

Granted, but then DClary is swamped by 10 million questions and he has to outsource them all to a posting center in India. All questions are answered promptly with a yes.

I wish I still had the metabolism I did when I was 16. I could eat every bad thing and still be a size 2.

09-02-2006, 01:49 AM
Granted but you now have no breasts to speak of.

I wish the same thing as Soccer Mom only to still have "something" up there.

09-02-2006, 02:13 AM
GRanted = now you are built like Barbie - anatomically unable to stand up for long periods of time without tipping over.

I wish it was nicer outside

09-02-2006, 02:24 AM
I wish the same thing as Soccer Mom only to still have "something" up there.

I'm screenmom and Soccer Mom is Soccer Mom. You can tell us apart because Soccer Mom is always wearing cleats and knee socks while I look a lot like Alfred Hitchcock.:)

09-02-2006, 02:49 AM
It is nicer outside - but you have been locked in and can only gaze wistfully out of the window at the glory you cannot share, until you find the keys. And they're always in the last place you look.

I wish it would stay dry long enough for me to get a washing out.

09-02-2006, 03:51 AM
Granted but they are making another film noire about escaping cross dressing cons and they just love the load you got hangin'

I wish that if I sell the old lobster pot in Encinada that in Pango Pongo where there would only be us-is not soon infested by fish and chip shops and idiots seeking to by local trinkets made in Bangladesh

09-02-2006, 04:07 AM
Granted - Pango Pongo is now the perfect tropical paradise ... no fish and chips shops, no trinket hawkers, just snakes and huge insects that give you things like yellow fever and malaria.

I wish I didnt have so many people telling me what to do.

09-02-2006, 06:07 AM
Granted but you might just have to leave that island-come to mine and risk the bugs and the fever-which incidentally are a whole hell of a lot better than the hawkers and the chip shops

We wish we all had our Pango Pongos and that we could just sit down in them and Pongorize the whole world and just let the Pangos pass over us like a silk wind on a snug-warm-sun going down forever on the Pango Pongos of our hearts

09-02-2006, 06:42 AM
We wish we all had our Pango Pongos and that we could just sit down in them and Pongorize the whole world and just let the Pangos pass over us like a silk wind on a snug-warm-sun going down forever on the Pango Pongos of our hearts

Well OK, Granted but Pongorizing has been shown in independent studies to cause hair loss, bad breath, high blood pressure, erections lasting more than 4 hours and seismic activity. You are slapped with the mother of all class-action lawsuits and end up fighting Boy George over who gets to pick up the Big Mac wrapper in the gutter.

I wish I knew what to get my husband for our 14th anniversary. I was going to get him a set of steak knives but I suspect he would be happier with a 20 year old hottie.

09-02-2006, 07:05 AM
Granted - I have this 20 year old electric space heater I dont use anymore. I can also toss in an old electric blanket and make it a real hottie.

I wish people who forward those cute little spams that say Jesus loves me and here's a hug certificate and if you send this to 10 friends you will have all your wishes come true and I better get this back and ... well you get the idea. Anyway I wish those people would wake up tomorrow to find all their fingers curled up and fell off.

Soccer Mom
09-02-2006, 08:58 AM
Granted, but you'd better run. You've got some pissed off born-agains comin' for you with pitchforks clutched in their teeth.

I wish knee socks and cleats would come back in fashion again for women over forty.

09-02-2006, 07:35 PM
Granted - they are in fashion - along with girdles and cone bras.

I wish Ernesto would #$%$ off

09-02-2006, 09:03 PM
I wish Ernesto would #$%$ off

Granted, but Ernesto comes from a large and close-knit family. They travel around like gypsies, pissing off the locals.

I wish the men in my life weren't so stubborn.

09-02-2006, 10:32 PM
Granted they are all now women and can be carefully reasoned with.

I wish my air conditioner wasn't broken :(

09-02-2006, 10:40 PM
Granted. It's fixed but the temperature just dropped to -10C.

I wish it would stop raining.

09-03-2006, 01:34 AM
Granted. It's snowing instead and there's a six foot drift at your back door.

I wish I had a machine that did housework.

09-03-2006, 01:44 AM
I wish I had a machine that did housework.

Granted. Unfortunately Robbie the Housework Robot was programmed by a guy so he threw dirty clothes all over house and fired off his laser gun at the TV when the ref made a questionable call.

I wish my kids thought cleaning was fun.

09-03-2006, 02:01 AM
Granted but they also now have voices like Ralphie's on Bart Simpson.

I wish I had the energy to do a yoga workout

Soccer Mom
09-03-2006, 03:06 AM
Granted. Unfortunately, the police are at your door. They have a few embarassing questions about that little meth lab you've got going there.

I wish I had remembered to drop off the rented movies today so I wouldn't have late charges.

09-03-2006, 03:29 AM
Granted - you return them on time .... However they are pornos and everyone in the neighborhood is standing there at the video store when you drop them off -- including your kids' teachers - who just shake their heads and leave...

I wish they would make a Zoolander 2 because I'm getting tired of watching the first one.

Soccer Mom
09-03-2006, 04:40 AM
Granted. But Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson were already booked. This one is starring John Goodman and Marilyn Manson. Won't THEY look good in thongs?

I wish someone would fix my dishwasher. It's been making a horrible noise when I start it.

09-03-2006, 06:01 AM
Granted - but are you SURE you want a plumber down on his knees inside your dishwasher wearing Sears Tuff Stuff jeans complete with the hairy butt crack thing going? Is the noise really that bad?

I wish I had more closet space.

09-03-2006, 06:11 AM
Done. Your clothes are liberated by the Invisible Transvestite

I wish I hadn't cut my own bangs today

09-03-2006, 06:14 AM
Granted - they grow back very quickly -- so does the hair on your legs...

I wish I hadnt just eaten Kix for dinner because I am too lazy to cook.

Soccer Mom
09-03-2006, 06:24 AM
Granted. You are now so hungry you eat the dried rice you find in the cabinet with out bothering to cook it.

I wish you hadn't eaten all that dried rice and drunk all that water with it. Uh oh.

09-03-2006, 07:04 AM
Granted - instead you ate a package of kool aid and washed it down with a quart of water then jiggled.

I wish I could remember what I was doing earlier so I could finish doing it.

09-03-2006, 07:13 AM
I wish I could remember what I was doing earlier so I could finish doing it.

Granted, you suddenly remembered that you really wanted to detail my car.

I wish tofu tasted like a bacon cheeseburger.

Soccer Mom
09-03-2006, 08:13 AM
Granted. But now it has the calories of the bacon cheeseburger too.

I wish I could get some sleep.

09-03-2006, 08:20 AM
Granted - you can sleep = right after you detail Screenmom's car.

I wish I wasnt in such a bad mood right now.

09-03-2006, 06:08 PM
Your mood suddenly lightens. You start to sing and dance and laugh. It is only then you realize you inadventantly took a double dose of your antidepressant medication.

I wish what Persi wishes

09-03-2006, 11:33 PM
Granted - sharing my Prozac with Janet...

I wish I the person I'm waiting for would hurry their a$$ up so we could go shopping.

09-04-2006, 04:54 AM
Done but they forget to bring their wallet and you have to spot them the money to buy new clothes.

I wish the editor I just submitted to will like my article

09-04-2006, 06:29 AM
Granted = they like your article and send it to be published. In the Turkish version of Highlights.

09-04-2006, 08:50 PM
hey, where's your wish? I wish Persi would post a wish.

09-05-2006, 12:17 AM
Ohhhh ... Let's see ... I wish The Davids would get back from Mexico and start entertaining us with lobster and ale tales.

09-05-2006, 12:53 AM
Granted - but having mixed the ale with the tequila, he now has even more personalities than before. Anybody know a good psychiatrist?

I wish there was something good on the telly.

09-05-2006, 01:12 AM
Thanks ... that wish already came true ... a vassal just arrived with a missive. Your wish for something good on telly has just come true. The complete collection of Baywatch has just been purchased by the BBC. Enjoy Hasslehoff in his speedo. It truly is something to behold.

I wish I didnt have to go to Home Depot now for shelves. Later...........

09-05-2006, 02:34 AM
Granted. You go to Home Depot to buy a new toilet to replace the one that's now overflowing.

I wish for good fortune in romance

09-05-2006, 03:41 AM
LMAO ... Believe it or not - that already happened today. Ah life in the Hellecat House!

Granted - you have very good fortune in romance. Following in the tradition of A Midsummer Night's Dream, you meet and fall in love with an a$$. However, he has lots of money and certain other appealing assets ... if you get my meaning.

Soccer Mom
09-05-2006, 06:02 AM
I'll make a wish for Persi. She wishes people would remember not to flush papertowels and skittles wrappers down the potty.

09-05-2006, 07:07 AM
Thank you for that.

And I wish for soccer mom a nice dry autumn that isnt too cold because I know how much it sucks standing out in the cold and the rain saying "Nice shot, Johnny!" while trying to stay warm by wrapping your hands around a tepid cup of 7 11 coffee. Been there. Done that. Bought the t shirt.

I also wish the Yankees would score three runs now.

09-06-2006, 12:25 AM
The first base man has been trying to pick up this skanky hooker for the past week and in between innings he scored with her 3 times in the dugout... Did I mention that she ate something funny and had the 'runs' the entire time? (Hey!! HEY!!!! I am an evil genie!)

I wish I wasn't hallucinating again. Gosh...this office looks so real...and those people could almost be my co workers except for the aluminum foil.....

09-06-2006, 12:39 AM
Granted. 'Cindy' will be along shortly to administer your meds. You like those, except for the needles. 'Cindy' nearly lost an eye last time.

I wish it wasn't so hot outside, and Fall would get here!

09-06-2006, 12:41 AM
Granted. Come to Tennessee. The high today is in the 70s. Actually, it almost seems spring-like here today.

I wish it would stay like this for months.

09-06-2006, 01:16 AM
Granted - it can - only you will have to move to a deserted island off the coast of Katmandu.

I wish people understood hypens better and loved them more. Be kind to hyphens.

09-06-2006, 01:20 AM
Granted from the King of Hyphens-Varicosly I say unto you my unhyphenated children-love is a hyphen in the making

We wish that the grammar queens of New Orleans would just shut-up and write

09-06-2006, 01:25 AM
Granted -- there are more important things to do in New Orleans anyway. Like visit the Red Light District.

I wish the world would become populated with em and en hyphens, spreading out into the Galaxy - for hyphens are truly a universal symbol and most definitely the way to communicate with other life forms on other planets.

09-06-2006, 07:14 AM
Granted. And here's a small supply for your own personal use...
EM: — — — — — — — — — — — —
EN:– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
Hyphen: - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I wish that there were whirled enough and thyme.

09-06-2006, 08:57 AM
I wish that there were whirled enough and thyme.

Granted. Now you've whirled until you puke on the shoes of someone you really love. And thyme, hell you can have mine. I don't even know why the spice manufacturers put it in those great little rotating spice racks. No one ever uses the thyme. No recipes ever call for thyme. I for one am sick and tired of dealing with the problem of excess and wasted thyme. I mean it, no more thyme!!! Ahhhhhh!

I wish I could relax.

09-06-2006, 11:15 AM
Granted you can relax. However while you are relaxing, you miss that important call from Random House ... they pick somebody else's book instead. Sorry.

I went to bed early and now I woke up = I wish I could sleep through the night. Can someone help me make it through the night?

09-06-2006, 02:11 PM
it depends on the meaning of 'it'--there are some things i am unendowed to deliver on--however, if you're referring to 'sleep', i am now sending you a soft purple cloud of sleeping essence. just make sure your alarm has been set!

i wish i didn't need any sleep so that i can do everything i want to do non-stop

09-06-2006, 05:42 PM
Granted. You have now become the omnipotent Goddess of the planet 'Bob'. They constantly use your name to profane things.
Your ears hurt, and you can't do anything about it because if you wipe out your followers you will cease to exist.

I wish today would be totally mellow. Totally.

09-06-2006, 06:00 PM
granted! to show my gratitude for the gift of Bob, i bestow upon you (with my Goddess powers, whose omnipotence extends beyond the reality bounds of my bobsy kigdom) an infinite moment of stillness.

you will feel perpetually mellow in a bubble of pinks and roses - you = tridimensional snapshot floating in ether. enjoy (no writing, though!)

i wish to finish the poem and two short stories i'm piddling with - today, in the next two hours.

09-06-2006, 06:32 PM
Granted. Grab some TP, 'cause you're done piddlin'. Oh, by the way, there's a kidney stone in your future - that's what you get for wanting to stop the piddlin'.

I wish today would zip by, really quickly, and tomorrow too. And Friday.

09-06-2006, 08:39 PM
Granted. It is 6 am Monday Sept 11th. The alarm is going off and the kids next door are screaming at their mom. Somebody's dog is in bed with you....oops that's one fat hairy biker!

I wish the biker would take you to Maui for two weeks.

09-06-2006, 09:08 PM
Granted - they go to Maui for a week. However, the biker is a wanted man and soon Dog the Bounty Hunter is on their trail. Muse ends up having to come up with 15 big ones to pay his bail.

I wish my son would get off his tail and register for next week's classes.

09-06-2006, 09:15 PM
Granted. He's now signed up for
1) bowling
2) contemporary cinema
3) personal relationships 101
4) independent study (no thesis option)
5) bowling

I wish someone else would do these financial statements.

09-06-2006, 09:21 PM
Granted - the IRS calls you in for an audit. They will be happy to look over those financial statements for you. Can you explain this entry for $10,000 for "entertainment" and this check made payable to "Al's House of Leather and Toys"?

I wish I could go shopping at Al's House of Leather and toys.

09-06-2006, 10:36 PM
Granted-but knowing you Red-we are quite sure that it is a special kind of leather and very special toys-perhaps?

I wish all "fruits" to be gathered and spread among the nations to show the nations how lucky they would be if they had more "fruits!"

09-06-2006, 10:40 PM
granted, the nations are perplexed at the generous gift of 'fruits of learning' which they can not understand, least of all feed on.

i wish i knew what the next level is.

09-06-2006, 10:41 PM
Granted. Beyond the first level of Hell is the second. Just read up on it in Dante's Inferno.

I wish I could eat bread...

09-06-2006, 10:44 PM
granted, it's made of chickpea flour and doesn't rise -yum!

i wish for a different level (already visited all seven down here).

09-06-2006, 10:45 PM
It is in Philly and you don't wanna go there

I wish that people were full of whimsy and it did not stink

09-06-2006, 10:45 PM


And thanks for the bread - don't they make this in India?

Edit: Too late, but you can keep the level :)

09-06-2006, 10:49 PM
Naughty little K1P1

Iwish that the level was on an even keel

09-06-2006, 10:51 PM
Naughty little K1P1

Iwish that the level was on an even keel

Sorry, I don't have the software to do that on this computer.

09-06-2006, 10:52 PM
yup - curry, anyone?


And thanks for the bread - don't they make this in India?

Edit: Too late, but you can keep the level :)

ah, thanks, i really needed that for this project!

and it better be keen!

i wish i could see forever

09-06-2006, 11:01 PM
Granted - but if you look too hard, you just might see this guy...


I wish I had never seen that.

09-06-2006, 11:04 PM
sheesh! that snapped me back into the physical - well, not granted, missy, i'm still shaking!

oh, wait - you were looking at something else, i bet - 'k granted.

i wish i could stop this thing and go back to writing

09-06-2006, 11:09 PM
Thanks for the thought and the photo Red-what the hell am I gonna sleep with tonight-how to puncture an old fart's libido

I wish that pumice stone was non-allergenic

Crapometer is off the scale-thanks Ily-go back to writing alright-we got nothin' to do

09-06-2006, 11:10 PM
Granted - just thinking about that guy is enough to get you away from ths forum and back to work.

I wish I could make a decision concerning my writing partner's suggestion to shorten chapter 26 or leave it as it stands.

09-06-2006, 11:13 PM
Charie he has just contributed his new paragraph-how to insult someones intellect with a Smith and Wesson

I wish that Red will soon be riding the pony of self-aprobabtion

09-06-2006, 11:51 PM
Granted - soon very soon ... we inch ever closer to the conclusion of this partnership ...

I wish I had a secretary to keep my appointments straight and answer mail for me. I hate mail

09-07-2006, 12:23 AM
Granted-we shall rebare the Pony Sexpress-let us face it-at least that way we would have a chance to get a few slow "Pokes," in with us while we had the chance

We wish speaking of the above-that people would not hold out such a beautiful thing to their chosen partners-or one night humps-as a favor-but as a gift of the spirit and not of the body

09-07-2006, 02:06 AM
Granted. From now on it's all spirit and no bodies and the human race has died out.

I wish I could think of an inexpensive but tasteful present to send to the cousin, to whose wedding I was not invited.

09-07-2006, 02:09 AM
Granted-but if you disassociate your spirit from your body-hell you will probably by em a tie-even if it is a woman-and even if it is a wedding gift

We wish you a merry Christmas-or whatever the hell you may be celebrating in about 4 months time

09-07-2006, 05:25 AM
Granted -- Im sure it will be very merry -- and happy Orlando Bloom's birthday too - whenever that is.

I wish I really knew who Orlando Bloom is.

09-07-2006, 06:45 AM
We wish we knew what an Orlando Bloom is

We wish we knew what an Orlando Bloom is and that we would stop lying about Orlando Bloom-who we know to be a flagrant kibbitzer who lives down on east 34th

09-07-2006, 07:04 AM
Granted -- now we all know. Or do we?

I wish that angry little baby I posted here before would crawl into a certain wacko publisher's bed and give her crabs.

09-07-2006, 07:47 PM
Granted! But the Publisher gets arrested for child porn, and youo get arrested for knowing about it and since there is a sicker story on the news you make nothing from writing your memoirs.

I wish I had magical powers, better eyesight and one nice regular Oreo cookie.

09-08-2006, 12:39 AM
Granted -- except for the oreo - that request is just too wierd - nobody wants ONE oreo.

I wish my memoirs were half that interesting.

09-08-2006, 12:51 AM
granted, they're half as interesting as one oreo - but the creamy filling makes them irrestible. ;)

i wish for divine inspiration

09-08-2006, 02:41 AM
Done but now you're in the stomach of the wolf.

I wish I hadn't made an incredibly absent minded mistake this afternoon.

Rolling Thunder
09-08-2006, 03:19 AM
Granted --- scotch tape will put those puppies right back where they belong.

I wish I understood what 'tahsildar' means.

09-08-2006, 05:10 AM
Granted. Tahsildar - A district official in India in charge of revenues and taxation.

I wish my house were less cluttered.

09-08-2006, 06:48 AM
Done. A cyclone makes its way from one end of the house to the other clearing out good clutter along with the bad kind. Now your place is empty.

I wish I could keep my head on straight these days

09-08-2006, 07:58 AM
Granted - those Frankenstein bolts on the side of your neck will keep your head on straight, however they arent very fashionable. Try turtlenecks.

I wish I could spend a week in San Francicso. I miss it.

09-08-2006, 09:08 AM
I wish I could spend a week in San Francicso. I miss it.

Granted. You are teleported forthwith to the City by the Bay. Flowers sprout from your head and you find that no matter how hard you try, you can't shake a weird, creepy feeling that you are being followed by little cable cars that take you half-way to the stars. Run, while you still can.

I wish my husband was feeling better instead of worse. Nurse screenmom needs to do something else besides worry.

*edit* misspeeeliings

09-08-2006, 08:23 PM
Granted! He feels good enough to go shoe shopping. He comes back with 97 pairs of lime green paisley print pumps in various heel sizes, 2 pairs of lime green tapestry print mules, And a pair of black boots with zebra print dyed feathers around the tops. They are all women's size 7 1/2 extra wide.

I wish you never have a place or an excuse to wear those shoes. EVER!

09-08-2006, 10:13 PM
I wish you never have a place or an excuse to wear those shoes. EVER!

Granted! All paisley is suddenly vaporized. Somewhere in NYC, Mario Buatta is butt naked. *screenmom shudders at the thought*

I wish designers handed out swag to non-celebrity writer-moms, like me.

09-08-2006, 10:53 PM
Granted! A limo pulls up in front of your house and the team from Entertainment Tonight! climbs out, rolls a red carpet to your door and presents you with $15K worth of swag.

But it is curtain swags, and they come with curtains. Beautiful hand made curtains in a lime green and bright magenta stretch Lame' fabric with Bright red and orange velvet harlequin 'diamonds' sewn all over it. Everything is outlined in black soutache braid. There are purple foil pom poms hanging from the edges of everything and the curtain hooks are little satyrs and nymphs copul-(OMG)-ating!

They also hand you a 1099 form stating the value of the gift and the amount you owe the IRS.

I wish, I really really wish, I don't have to see your house with those curtains in it. ( I wish)

09-08-2006, 11:09 PM
Granted ! Those curtains have now been installed in YOUR house! Oh, and 'Cindy' is still there, trying to hang them. Perhaps you'll win a bonus prize, and find HER hanging from the rod instead.

I wish I could remember what it was I wanted terribly bad to remember to do today, but can't remember.

09-08-2006, 11:20 PM
Granted! You remember that Orlando Bloom is naked in your bed with 12 bottles of champagne chilling, but by the time you remember, 'Cindy' is in your room frolicking under Screenmom's curtains with him and there's only one bottle of that expensive champagne left.

I wish you don't forget to feed the two polar bears in your swimming pool.

09-09-2006, 01:41 AM
I wish you don't forget to feed the two polar bears in your swimming pool.

Granted! The polar bears get 12 bags of marshmallows each. The resulting sugar high causes the fun-loving bears to invite "Cindy" and Orlando in the pool with them for a rousing game of Marco Polo.

I wish my husband loves my new handbag so much that he totally forgets to ask how much I paid for it.

09-09-2006, 02:32 AM
Granted in fact he loves it so much, he tells you go go buy it in three other colors.

I wish sunspots werent freaking out my satellite TV now.

09-09-2006, 04:03 AM
Granted, it's no longer sunspots, but poltergeists that are freaking out your TV.

"They're heeeeeeeeeeeere!"

I wish my TV would quit freaking out period (dang it, I really wanted to watch that "Outer Limits" marathon on SciFi...grrrrrrrrr).

09-09-2006, 04:07 AM
Granted but they are replacing it with Behind the Green Door 2-a remake of the original with Marylin Chambers still in the lead role-you cannot see anything so it is rated pg as her wrinkles get in the way

I wish people could read between the lines

09-09-2006, 05:15 AM
Granted. Unfortunately they're the lines on your forehead and they read: 'Grumpy Old Lobster,.'

I wish somebody would tell me who the hell 'Cindy' is.

09-09-2006, 05:40 AM
Actually - from what I've heard. no you don't

I wish I could relive last night again. (see children's thread)

09-11-2006, 12:46 AM
Granted. You can have your own personal Groundhog Day/Night. What a shame that even perfection palls after a while.

I wish people would stop sending me bills. It's really annoying.

09-11-2006, 01:05 AM
Granted. They will call them "statements" from now on.

A somewhat funny story . . . I have a couple of credit cards, including a Bank of American card I don't use. They once sent me a letter saying that if I didn't use my card, they wouldn't be able to send me any more statements (what we might call . . . a BILL!). They made it seem like I wouldn't really be missing out by not getting that statement every month.

I wish I would stop munching this afternoon.

09-11-2006, 01:28 AM
Granted, but you will have a very difficult time getting the superglue off your lips.

I wish a could wiggle my nose, a la Samantha, and the house would be clean.

09-11-2006, 04:28 AM
Granted - but along with this power comes a real pain in the a$$ mother and a very nosy neighbor.

I wish my son would do ONE thing I ask him to do.

09-11-2006, 08:54 PM
Granted!!! He now says 'excuse me' every time he makes an embarassing noise. Except, of course, beig a boy, he uses the embarassing noise to form the words 'excuse me'.

I wish Black and Decker would just 'cave'.

09-11-2006, 09:17 PM
Granted. Black and Decker have now caved in. Hundreds of Tool-Time guys are trapped in their garages with no way out. Wives everywhere are rejoicing at the new-found peace and quiet in the homes. Rescuers are working on ways to get Stihl products in to revive those trapped.

I wish I had an office space that I could lock up, so I could be alone and not have to listen to the jerk in the next office constantly wanting to make small talk and being a general jerk.

09-11-2006, 09:20 PM
Granted. Just move a few mops and buckets around, run a computer cable in, and the broom closet with make a wonderful space. You don't mind standing, do you?

I wish I wasn't so behind on the project I'm working on. Or that they would extend the deadline.

09-11-2006, 11:14 PM
Granted! You are now sound asleep in a wonderful downy feather bed, in an airy gazebo, on a warm sunny field, in rural Haiti.

I wish it were legal to settle my disputes with a nice 75 hp chainsaw.

09-11-2006, 11:22 PM
Granted. It's also okay now, and well within legal parameters, to settle all office disputes with a Glock.

I wish I had a Glock.

09-12-2006, 12:36 AM
Granted. Unfortunately they're all the centres you cant siand. Never mind, think what fun you'll have passing the box round and seeing everyone else enjoying them.

I wish I wasn't feeling quite so knackered.

09-12-2006, 07:30 AM
Granted - you are no longer feeling knackered. Instead you are feeling knickered. And those plaid golf knickers look great on you. They go great with the argyle socks and the pom pom hat.

I wish someone would either buy me a boot jack or get me a man to help me take off my new red cowboy boots.

09-12-2006, 07:53 AM
Granted - meet Jack, the rotweiler. His favourite breakfast food is red leather boots.

I wish I had a holiday house in Hawaii

09-12-2006, 06:14 PM
Granted-just take some porcelain teeth with you and change the course of digestive history

I wish that people and especially politicians would try not to inveigle others.
As Machiavelli once said inveigelation is one of the greatest sins

09-13-2006, 01:22 AM
Granted. No more inveigling. From now on they're going straight to dictating and tyranny instead.

I wish I was finished doing my tax returns.

09-13-2006, 02:02 AM
Granted-if you are like me they probably finished you off first

I wish that life was just a bowl of cherried-hey wait a minute we can't wish for that it already is-how about a bowl of Rigattoni

09-13-2006, 04:36 AM
Granted - Try the Olive Garden's Unending Pasta Bowl special. Pass on the alfredo sauce though. Instant balloon andioplasty.

I wish I could ballroom dance.

09-13-2006, 06:57 PM
Granted! and you are so good at it, that you are now one of the professionals on 'Dancing with the Stars'. Isn't it nice they selected Danny DeVito to be your partner this season.

I wish I had a sinfully delicious coffee confection right now.

09-13-2006, 10:48 PM
Granted - you have an elegant 22-room rambling house in the country. Next week, the servants quit and all your relatives come to visit unexpectedly.

I wish that the next vacation I take would be fun.

09-13-2006, 11:07 PM
Granted-then you will have to live a life like us-mexican weekends at the hacienda-the occasional trip on the Newfy trawler-75 footer so you can bring the girls-a load of $$$$-and no worry about more-lots of lobster-and whatever else the hell we want-it is a tuff life-but somebody has just gotta do it-the only kind of vacation worth a tit is an unending one as it rules out having to fret about going back to work after only half the vacation is over

We wish more people had this problem-not everyone mind you-as then there would be too many lay-abouts and we would not be able to lord it over them

09-14-2006, 02:32 AM
Granted - from now on, everyone gets vacations worth a tit.

I wish I wasnt so lazy today.

09-14-2006, 02:32 AM
Granted - from now on, everyone gets vacations worth a tit.

I wish I wasnt so lazy today.

09-14-2006, 02:35 AM
Granted-but really Red it is only a passing fancy-do not worry-your wonderful creative spirit-the fresh and incredible gift that you possess-can simply never hide-you are one of the most precious gifts I have received in the playtime called the cooler

I wish to say goodbye

09-14-2006, 03:05 AM
Granted - a good night to you. Tonight is Cris Angel/Project Runway night so at least I have something to watch on TV.

I wish the world was a happier place for people like Spooky who have to smoke cigarette butts and drink alligator pee beer.

09-14-2006, 11:06 PM
Granted! Spookey is now very happy now that he has found a chest containing 4,000,000- 1937 Polish Zlotys. In the chest is also 3 cases of 1936 Marlboro unfiltered cigs, and they were sealed in plastic and wax so they are fresh. And wonder of wonders two cases of 1935 Alligator Piss Beer, which then was made from more natural ingredients and fermented so that it is 9% alcohol as opposed to the 3% he's been drinking.
He's so happy that he comes over to your house to smoke and drink.

I wish I could stop 'STOP WORKING!' and work and do my job.

09-15-2006, 12:01 AM
We have now electrified your keyboard so that if you touch it in AW, you get a very large shock. That should keep your mind on your job.

I wish a certain lobster wasnt so upset right now that he says he is never coming back here.

09-15-2006, 12:35 AM
Granted - That other Red will suddenly realize that it is not fair to those of us to whom he brings joy, to deprive us of his delicious input. But then his head will swell up and he will get a head ache. Poor lobster.

I wish we could have summer all over again. (Then I'd go visit that thin-shelled mollusk)

09-15-2006, 12:39 AM
Granted. Recent NASA photos prove that 'Endless Summer' is only an exhaust leak away.

I wish there were an acceptable way for me to get out of attending Back to School Night, tonite. (Ex doesn't 'do' back to school nights.)

09-15-2006, 12:45 AM
Ah, the wish of every parent since time began. The thought of being crammed into those tiny little desks while some 85 year old school marm tells you that your kid is a "paste eater" or "the smelly kid" or "the bully" is just not your idea of a good time, huh? Well, we hereby grant you a lovely 5 hour virus - highly contageous. You can either choose to go and barf all over the classroom or stay home and watch the Yankee game.

I wish my son would get the f*ck out of his funk and stop acting like a lunatic.

09-15-2006, 01:12 AM
Granted. He has turned into the male version of Pollyanna and is as happy as Larry. Unfortunately this drives you equally demented.

I wish the lobster would come back too. How about we lay a lobster trap, baited with spam?

09-15-2006, 01:27 AM
Granted - we can try but I don't know if it will work. Sometimes you cannot undo the things other people have done. Sighs.

I wish people were kinder.

09-15-2006, 07:28 PM
Granted. Everyone on Earth becomes nicer than Papa Smurf. Unfortunately they all decide to dress like Care Bears.

I wish you were eating kabobs and drinking Ouzo on a 100 foot yacht in the Adriatic with Georgi Stavros and his handsome millionaire brother, Nikko.

09-15-2006, 07:34 PM
Granted. Too bad Greek men are so . . . hairy. Bring some Nare and razors.

I wish I had an entirely new wardrobe for Fall, now that Fall has finally arrived.

09-15-2006, 08:03 PM
Granted!!!! Every outfit from the Vogue Fall Runway edition is delivered to your door. You do have a 19 inch waist, don't you?

I wish you were on a brand new 100 foot yacht off the coast of Antigua with Alesandro and his handsome twin brother Bartolemo and they have a slurpee machine that makes frozen citrus Margaritas.:tongue

09-15-2006, 09:08 PM
Ooh, granted :D Luckily I was able to toss Alesandro and his handsome twin brother Bartolemo overboard and steal the yacht, and the slurpee machine that makes frozen citrus Margaritas. Yum.

I wish you had plenty of cyanide for everyone's coffee but yours, so that you could take over the world (or at least the city) and rule it YOUR way.

09-15-2006, 10:30 PM
GRANTED! The first thing I'm going to do is.....(OMG what's that I smell? did the freezer at Burger King go on the fritz?? it's like a million pounds of spoiled meat...) Hey, That's not MY way at all....

I wish I could watch parakeets jet ski with squirrels in Tortuga.

09-15-2006, 10:48 PM
I wish I could watch parakeets jet ski with squirrels in Tortuga.

Granted! By the by, the budgies tested positive for bird flu and the squirrels are carrying plague, but they are soooooo cute, the little dears.

I wish my kids understood that "Clean up your room" usually means to tidy, straighten up, make beds and organize. They are under the collective impression it means to throw all their **** on the bed and close the door.

09-16-2006, 02:27 AM
Granted. Now they throw everything under the bed and shut the door. You now need to buy them a stepladder each so they can get up there to sleep at night.

I wish I had a pond, with frogs and goldfish and nice plants.

09-16-2006, 03:02 AM
Granted you now have a lovely pond ... where your bedroom used to be.

I wish we had just a couple days of Indian Summer

09-17-2006, 03:06 AM
Granted - but it's a real Indian summer. The temperature is the same as in Mumbei in the hot season and there's a herd of sacred cows in your garden.

I wish I'd gone to bed earlier.

09-17-2006, 09:44 PM
Granted, but a dog barked all night and you couldn't sleep either way.

I wish my stomach would stop hurting.

09-18-2006, 12:50 AM
Granted. You now have such bad writers' cramp that your stomach pains pale into insignificance.

I wish I could remember what I'm supposed to be writing tomorrow.

09-18-2006, 12:54 AM
Granted, but you're not going to have time to write it anyway.

I wish I didn't have to go to school tomorrow.

09-18-2006, 06:11 AM
Granted. School is cancelled, due to an outbreak of ecoli due to the spinach you ate. That one takes care of my wish too (that I didn't have to teach school tomorrow) as I ate the spinach too.

09-18-2006, 08:21 AM
Granted - no school for anybody tomorrow ... No school for me either... Wait I dont go to school ... Well see? No school for me.

I wish people were kinder. Havent I wished that before? How come it isnt coming true?

09-18-2006, 07:24 PM
Granted!!!! The aliens from planet Pollyanna show up and their sweetness just throws a blanket of love over every human...nay...every mammal on this planet. It is a total love fest. Too bad that you are now a giant Portuguese Man o' War, and thus, you float around in the chilly Atlantic waters, sifting through plankton and small fish, and having no contact with humans.

I wish 3 guys who look like they pose for the covers of Romance Novels would show up on your front steps, bringing a fine lunch, wearing skimpy clothes and will do what ever you ask, all week long.

09-18-2006, 07:53 PM
Granted. And you'll never believe it's not butter.

I wish for everyone to take 5 weeks off in a luxury resort, where handsome young male servants will do all your transcribing and write all your query letters.

09-18-2006, 08:06 PM
I wish for everyone to take 5 weeks off in a luxury resort, where handsome young male servants will do all your transcribing and write all your query letters.

Granted! Everything is beautiful until you find in the middle of the third week that the handsome young male servants have edited your work while transcribing it thereby creating the first pornographic car repair manual interspersed with sports statistics. And they sent all the queries to HOT Shaved Babes magazine. The foot massages were great though.

I wish that my son wasn't so keen on guns.

09-18-2006, 10:13 PM
Granted but it uses invisible ink.

I wish that everybody would get their wishes.

09-18-2006, 10:45 PM
BAAAAA BAAAAAA, Mooooo, Mooooo,

(Translation : Granted, funny how everyone wished to become a sheep or cow in your yard. Talk about fertile imaginations...you just stepped in a pile of someone's creativity)

(Translation I wish we were all human again and had frozen Strawberry Daqs waiting for us pool side in Oahu....)

09-18-2006, 10:49 PM
Granted - strawberry daqa poolside in Oahu for everybody. That includes everybody - so don't mind that smelly homeless guy sunning himself in the chair next to you.

I wish I was at TJ Maxx buying gorgeous new silver jewelry - from the clearance counter.

09-19-2006, 08:41 AM
Granted - but Janet's herd has followed you into the store and has 'deposited' its completely digested breakfast at your feet. The smell fills the entire store. You are thrown out of TJ Maxx without buying a single piece of the best-priced jewelry you have seen in a very long time.

I wish the davids would have a completely angst-free day, delighted by an extremely bawdy and sensuous reading, delivered by the other Red.

09-19-2006, 08:50 AM
Granted - I will work on it.

I wish I had the energy to redo my work center and make it more efficient.

09-19-2006, 08:41 PM
Granted. But did you know it is illegal to brew crystal meth in your coffee maker?

I wish Persi can climb out of the window of her perfectly organized workcenter/office and hop into that T-bird with the cute guy in the sunglasses and get away before the DEA comes busting through her front door.

09-19-2006, 08:49 PM
Granted. Have you seen Crocket and Tubbs lately? They're not as spry as they used to be.

I wish it was Friday and my week of vacation was beginning now!

09-19-2006, 10:42 PM
Granted! And on top of that you are gettig two weeks, not one. Paid too. You see, the CIA has been monitoring all your posts and they are taking you for a cozy two weeks at McMurdo Airforce base.

I wish I knew how many pack rats an obsessive compulsive person could pack into a high end Manhattan apartment, without my actually being in Manhattan to observe it.

09-19-2006, 10:57 PM
Granted. There's a new reality show on NBC called So You Think You Can Pack, hosted by Regis Philbin. Eight teams will compete for the prize of a lifetime supply of Glad bags and a set of DKNY luggage. Celebrity judges include Martha Stewart, Tom Cruise, and Ed Bradley.

I wish I had labeled all the TV shows I've taped on cassette.

09-19-2006, 11:28 PM
Granted. Just be sure you get the right labels on the right tapes: American Idol, America's Got Talent and So You Think You Can Dance.

Wouldn't want you to mislabel that lovely edition of America's Next Top Model.

I wish there was something worth watching on that blasted TV device.

09-19-2006, 11:34 PM
Gee, you almost stumped the Wish-Granting Gods with that one. But, PBS still has a few things worth watching . . . if you can ignore their politics.

I wish my new software would come while I'm still on vacation.

09-20-2006, 12:55 AM
Granted. It did. Yuck. You'd think they'd wear condoms while packing that 'SIMS - Sex' game. Yuck.

I wish everyone running for political office in Maryland would do so dressed as a pirate for the rest of the campaign.

09-20-2006, 04:19 AM
Granted. It becomes a fad though which everybody participates in. Before you know it, nobody can get into ath hottest night clubs unless they are dressed as a pirate. Then your grandmother and grandfather and their friends start dressing as pirates and you know this thing has got to stop.

I wish that I didn't have a bad premonition with regards to my writing. (I know, I have to stop taking my horoscope seriously. I'm not superstitious, really I'm not. Not much anyway.)

09-20-2006, 07:11 AM
Granted - no more bad thoughts allowed. From now on, replace your horoscope with Ray's fortune cookies - the ones with the dirty fortunes in them.

I wish I had a dirty fortune.

09-20-2006, 07:31 AM
Granted-no need to wash it-that has already been handled by uncle Vinny

I wish that Patriot-Patriotism-Patriotic were not words missused by the Monarchs both here and abroad-to bust our guts with pride of country so we could spill said guts for this game of power that I as a naive ex-warrior did and regret-and am wounded when others think I am an old softy-which I am very proud to be-but nevertheless wounded-there I go again counterpunching myself. OOFFF!!!!

09-20-2006, 07:54 AM
Granted - there will be no more self counterpunching here. And from now on, we will ban the use of the P words by the one here in America who considers himself to be here via eminant domaine rather than election tampering. OOPS did I just say that?

I wish the salty brine wasnt washing ashore in the form of fog and humidity that is making me feel like a melting candle - even though melting candles can often be quite interesting in the right circumstances.

09-20-2006, 08:04 AM
Granted-just ignore the fog and humidity that is making you feel like a melted candle and go with the interesting situational flow

I wish that W. Faulkner was alive and living in San Diego so I could take him out on the old trawler for a nip or two-and a bit of briny conversation

09-20-2006, 08:34 AM
That would be a lovely wish to grant. What a wonderful thought - to be able to talk to such a literary giant and such a colorful character at that.

I wish I could find someone to go to the city with me this weekend for the street fairs.

09-21-2006, 12:42 AM
Granted. John Hinkley Jr. is going with you. So is his entourage of a dozen Secret Service Agents. So are the news crews from the major news networks. So are the local police. So are the news crews from several foreign news networks. And look, a stray dog, (with ties to Al Quaeda).

I wish you had a roll of green duct tape, a dozen new pencils, some henna 'Pee Wee Herman' tattoos, a half a bag of stale doughnuts and a very vocal yam.

09-21-2006, 05:42 AM
Granted, but tying you up with green duct tape, sticking the pencils up your nose and eat the doughnuts in front of you :D

I wish my head wouldn't hurt.

09-21-2006, 06:12 AM
Granted - it doesnt. Now the rest of you does.

09-21-2006, 08:09 AM
Granted, Persi - "So what?" has ended in complete compromise between the previously polarized sides, as the two have so well stated their cases that they have no choice but to see each other's point of view. Now you can't tell a post from dclary from one by James D. It's also going to be sunny and hot for the next month.

I wish it was going to be sunny and hot next month.

09-21-2006, 11:48 AM
Granted, next month is the sunniest and hottest October on record with temperatures nearing the 90s. It's so sunny and hot the polar ice-caps melt at an even faster rate and 60% of the land surface on the planet is submerged in water. And lilos arn't for sale again until next spring.

I wish I had a packet of cigarettes

09-21-2006, 07:11 PM
Grranted-but they are chocolate ones cause someone out there is extraordinarily conditioned to worry about things that are none of their goshdarned business-aw shucks!

I wish that once upon a time the fairy queen could make me a good old fashioned shake rattle and role

09-21-2006, 11:02 PM
I wish that once upon a time the fairy queen could make me a good old fashioned shake rattle and role

Granted, but your hips won't stop gyrating in an Elvis-type manner, you acquire a Tourette's-type of uncontrollable outbursts of "OW!" and "Baby!" like Little Richard and your 14 year old cousin is looking real good these days.

I wish my kids weren't sick. Nothing worse than a houseful of cranky, feverish monkeys.

09-21-2006, 11:27 PM
Granted! Your kids have all returned to perfect health. However, all of the school staff and 3/4 of the remaining students are so sick the schools will be closed fo a week. And your wonderful, inquisitive kids have just found the stash of Halloween candy.

What's a houseful of hyper, energized monkeys worth to you?

I wish that this Friday will actually BE a Friday and not just another miserable Monday disguised as a day before a day I'm supposed to have 'off.'

(Barring that, I just wish someone would knock me unconscious.....)

09-21-2006, 11:32 PM
Granted. Tomorrow really IS a real, live Friday. Too bad someone DID knock you unconscious and you don't come to until Sunday night :(

I wish I didn't have this kink in my shoulder.

09-22-2006, 01:39 AM
Granted, it has been moved to your forehead.

I wish I had a million dollars.

09-22-2006, 01:45 AM
Granted. You can also buy Park Place and Pennsylvania Avenue. Oh, and you can have the little choo-choo train to move around the board.

I wish the days weren't getting shorter (although the weather is great here now).

09-22-2006, 01:48 AM
Granted, each day is now 56 hours long. The downside, you now have to work 40 hours.

I wish I could sing.

09-22-2006, 02:17 AM
Granted. You are now the world's best soprano. Unfortunately only dogs and bats can hear you.

I wish my crown hadn't fallen off and I didn't have to get an emergency appointment at the dentist's tomorrow.

09-22-2006, 02:53 AM
Granted-put it under the pillow and the tooth fairy will replace it free of charge and actually put it on for you without any problem whatsoever-just make sure you don't wake up as it is the pink crossdressing Scottish lady eating crossdressing tooth fairy- but only when they are awake-he luvs shrieks don't ya know-sleep tends to pacify

I wish upon a star- that black hole in the heart of me -would light up like a fire and burn the snot away

09-22-2006, 03:53 AM
Presto. You are suddenly suffused with warmth and light and a knowing that everything will turn out okay. You quit worrying and smile at everybody even criminals. Y ou are nominated at the Sunshine Guy by your neighbours for the local newspaper contest. You win and are given a lifetime supply of smiley faces. You paste them everywhere even on your clothing until somebody on the street shrieks and tears them all off you.

I wish I didn't have to supply teach all day tomorrow and could work on my novel revisions instead.

09-22-2006, 04:05 AM
Granted, you're going to work on your novel revisions but your MS is going to combust spontaneously at the end of the day.

I wish I had more time.

09-22-2006, 04:14 AM
Granted but now you've got too much time, so much time you don't know what to do with it. You're so bored, you're scraping ofgf your nail polish with your fingernails for something to do.

I wish I could control the future.

09-22-2006, 08:23 AM
Granted, but you've just lost your past and present.

I wish I could get 100 in all my subjects just because.

09-22-2006, 08:55 AM
Granted - only the passing grade has been raised to 200. Sorry.

I wish I had a special magic 8 ball that could make up my mind about this important decision Im trying to make.

09-22-2006, 06:33 PM
Granted-my head is shaped like an eight ball with a big yellow eight printed right in the middle of my rather large forehead-Karnack the magnificent is prepared to answer all questions re: decision making-minds made up while you wait!

I wish the thoughts of others were written clearly and succinctly on a page that they had stapled to their chests

09-22-2006, 06:46 PM
"That dress is soooo ugly, what was she thinking? Does she even own a mirror? Oh look, those pants are awesome. . .I'm surprised they make them in every size"---Tapped to Raiyah.

I wish all my classes were cancelled today and I could go home!

09-22-2006, 08:13 PM
Granted. Every instructor has been sent on a 4 day trip to Krasnodar to learn tap-dancing in Russian. Too bad the Russian shot-put team has been practicing in your home and it is almost beyond trashed.

I wish I got more enjoyment out of staring at a blank wall for hours and drooling.

09-22-2006, 08:41 PM
Granted-but it beats the hell out of staring at a hairy-pasty-bum

I wish for nothing but a little intellectual noocky on the side

09-22-2006, 09:01 PM
Granted! Stephen Hawkings will be right over as soon as he has his chair recharged.

I wish I could think of something clever to write.

09-22-2006, 09:30 PM
Granted-the stephen hawkings thing was pretty clever I would say

I wish that when aadams73 is wishing for clever things to write that she would accept to a dilapidated old lobster such as myself-that her avatar will do quite nicely-thank-you very much aadams73 and of course Mr. Vargas

09-23-2006, 02:43 AM
Granted - who can argue with someone who has an affinity for the way Mr. Vargas glorified the female body -- especially since Mr. Vargas was quite partial to redheaded wenches.

I wish that I could shuck off the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune and win the lottery.

09-23-2006, 02:46 AM
granted Red-just find an old rich fart to dominate and poof your magic fairy turns you into a red-headed anna nichole smithette-forget it I take back the grant-you are already to hot to be hotterized

I wish that people would dance the light fandango on their own heads instead of looking for the ballroom of the innocent well meaning by-stander

09-23-2006, 02:50 AM
Granted - however learning to dance the light fandango requires hours and hours of ballroom dance lessons and usually results in very sore feet and ankles.

I wish that I wasnt slowly getting wacked off my butt on pain killers tonight

09-23-2006, 03:02 AM
Granted-join the club-come on-getting whacked aint all that bad

I wish that we could all have a party on the trawler-there is plenty of room

09-23-2006, 03:09 AM
Granted -- we're all on the way -- booze and pain killers for everybody!!

I wish I could teach people the difference between constructive and destructive thoughts when it comes to art of any kind.

09-23-2006, 03:10 AM
Granted-just throw crap against them and they will turn it into art and discuss it till their rear ends bleed

I wish Red's wishes would come true

09-23-2006, 03:17 AM
Granted - Red wishes so too.

I wish people would realize that what the world needs now is love, sweet love and start recalling the Summer of Love and making love not war.

09-23-2006, 03:39 AM
Granted got an extra head band-some beads-and a toke?

I wish that the root of all evil was more readily accecable to those of you who need it so desperately

09-23-2006, 03:42 AM
Done. We've all turned into gremlins and we're out to get you, Dave. We have saliva threading from our mouths and we are hungry. Run. We're evil.

I wish that I could make some money from my writing.

09-23-2006, 03:44 AM
Granted-you just need a few more roots of evil

I wish that Janet would not worry about making money from her writing and just submit her really good work-the result of which is perhaps money-but much much more than that

09-23-2006, 03:54 AM
Granted - Janet we await the results of you submissions - and remember that money isnt everything. Women have other ways to get what they want (winks)

I wish more people would learn to light a candle rather than cursing the darkness.

09-23-2006, 04:14 AM
Granted-can we get together and wax eloquently?

I wish that they had lobster spam

09-23-2006, 04:16 AM
Granted - though I m not sure what parts of the lobster they would use. I really dont even wanna know...

I wish Hersheys kisses were pain relievers.

09-23-2006, 04:25 AM
Granted-melt em or just place em somewhere they will make you feel--GOOD

I wish I was a Hershey's Kiss

09-23-2006, 04:41 AM
Granted - you are now wrapped in silver foil and have a pin head.

I wish the partner would write back so I could consider the cold case closed.

09-23-2006, 04:46 AM
Granted and thanks a lot-the partner just contacted me and said he was gonna meet ya in a camper in Pismo beach

I wish Red would meat him and kill him with barbed confusion

09-23-2006, 05:48 AM
Grated. Janet takes a vow of poverty and joins a female monastary, eats watery gruel, wears a hair shirt, flaggellates herself and writes only for her own enjoyment, looking at it as a hobby rather than a real job.

I wish Dave's lobster hadn't been boiled alive.

09-23-2006, 06:39 AM
Granted. He was hit over the head repeatedly with a rock . . . then boiled.

I wish my vacation wasn't almost over. :-(

09-23-2006, 06:58 AM
Granted - you can start it over - but don't say I told you so ... I knew you would be saying that...

I wish Apple would send me back my lap top

09-23-2006, 07:03 AM
I wish all my classes were cancelled today and I could go home!

Haha, whats funny is that my one class got cancelled, and in another the professor never showed up--only the TA, and in the last the Professor let us out early!

Oh, sorry, please proceed. . .

09-25-2006, 02:19 AM
Granted. Apple have sent back your lap-top - in pieces. They did include a nice 'How to reassemble your lap-top.' leaflet, but it's in Japanese.

I wish I wasn't coming down with a cold.

09-25-2006, 03:03 AM
Granted. It's pneumonia.

I wish I only had to shave once a week. (And no, I ain't growing a beard.)

09-25-2006, 05:44 AM
Granted - you only have to shave once a week -- of course, we're talking about your legs right?

I wish I was taking a nice steamy hot bubble bath - but I have no bubbles!!

09-25-2006, 09:43 PM
Granted - you are taking a nice steamy hot bubble bath in a sunken tub, but it's at Peewee Herman's house, and he's taking turns blowing the bubbles into your bath water, along with Jabba the Hut and Dubya. Jabba also likes sucking on toes.

I wish my apartment had one more bedroom.

09-25-2006, 09:46 PM
Granted, your apartment now has one more bedroom. Unfortunately, it didn't fit in your current apartment, so it's five building's over, accessable through the basement window. Don't mind the clutter, and if there's a guy in the bed, just roll him out of it.

I wish my week off wasn't marred with this sunshine and sudden increase in temperature when Fall had been coming along nicely just last week.

09-25-2006, 09:52 PM
Granted. You can take your vacation in the Yukon. That should do it.

I wish I hadn't have left peaches in my office before I went on vacation. Uh, oh.

09-25-2006, 09:58 PM
Granted - instead you left a tomato and hard boiled egg salad. on a bed of spinich.

I wish I didnt have an appt in half an hour. (Get dressed Persi)

09-25-2006, 10:12 PM
Granted - it's now. (Why are you still online?)

I wish we had transporters.

09-25-2006, 10:29 PM
Granted, but the only place you can go is the Enterprise. You will spend all eternity having to watch Shatner try to act.

I wish I had one of those nifty phasers. Set to "blast the hell out of everything."

Soccer Mom
09-25-2006, 11:56 PM
Granted. Guess you should have set the safety before you exploded your own house and all it's contents. Turn the level down to "blast the heck" next time.

I wish my house was clean.

09-26-2006, 12:50 AM
Granted, there's a bald man in a muscle shirt in your kitchen, using that cleaning compound. Too bad he refuses to leave, and now wants to sanitize your bedroom. You know, that way.

I wish I could get my room cleaned up and organized, and all the dishes washed and put away, without having to get up off this couch.

09-26-2006, 12:52 AM
Granted - welcome to the wonderful world of I Dream of Jeanie -- the bad part is from now on, you have to sleep in a cheesy Chianti bottle with rhinestones on it and you have to wear harem pants that cover your navel.

I wish people would stop YELLING at me here!

09-26-2006, 01:29 AM
Sheeeesh-be happy they are yelling-you have a way with waking the dead dear heart

I wish that egocentricity was a thing of the past

09-26-2006, 02:41 AM
Granted. It's been replaced with megalomania.

I wish I could play the harp.

09-26-2006, 02:44 AM
Granted-just find a nice harpy and get going-long fingernails and about 10 years of hard work should do it-maybe you could fake it-play back harp?

I wish that there was a magic pill for arrowqueen and it would allow her to be a harpist at what ever level she so chose-it whould be a fun pill to swallow

09-26-2006, 05:42 AM
I wish that there was a magic pill for arrowqueen and it would allow her to be a harpist at what ever level she so chose-it whould be a fun pill to swallow

Granted, but the big white wings tend to get out of hand.

I wish davids lobster would wander over and jump into this pot of boiling water I have here. I'm hungry.

09-26-2006, 07:57 AM
Awwwww not granted - denied - dont eat our cuddly lil lobster... How about a nice lobster sandwich - new from Mc Donalds... Mc Lobster...

I wish people would stop trying to get our lobster to jump into a pot

09-26-2006, 07:06 PM
Granted! He's been kidnapped and taken to Humboldt County in Northern California and is force fed the stuff. (Smoke on the water....fire in the sky...)

I wish everyone in the world would get together and happily elect me to sit at the big desk and solve all their problems, and neither interrupt nor criticize me while I am doing so.

Soccer Mom
09-26-2006, 07:33 PM
Granted. Better hurry cause the line is getting long. About 3,000 people and counting, but no interruptions. No breaks either. Not even for the restroom or lunch. Uh, this could get messy.

I wish they delivered chocolate just like they do pizzas.

09-26-2006, 07:38 PM
Granted-let us just make the investment now-we can start a new choco delivering company-anybody for Chicago style choco-nice thick crust-anchovies on the top-we could make a bundle

I wish that Willie Wonka would open up a factory next to Soccer Mom and deliver to the door-or at least put a ramp connecting the two so Mom could skate-board over and get her choco as need be-well-she could send one of her kids if she likes!!!!

09-26-2006, 08:01 PM
I wish that Willie Wonka would open up a factory next to Soccer Mom and deliver to the door-or at least put a ramp connecting the two so Mom could skate-board over and get her choco as need be-well-she could send one of her kids if she likes!!!!

(davids--are you related to ee cummings?;) )

Granted, but Willy wants Soccer Mom's children to take over for the oompa-loompas while the little guys vacation in the Caribbean.

I wish I didn't have to be such a meanie mom.

09-26-2006, 09:16 PM
Granted - now you are a meanie dad

I wish powerpoint didn't keep moving the y-axis to the right when i adjust the y-axis scale

09-26-2006, 09:21 PM
Granted-but at the same time I wish I knew what you were talking about-damn that crap-top just slipped-it did no appreciate my comments

I wish that kikonie would get all her powerplants in order and that they would stop moving around on her

(Mom-the relationship is anonymouseity)

09-27-2006, 03:12 AM
Granted - Kiko (my new name for Kikonie because my fingers hurt from all the typing Im doing) is now in charge of 3 Mile Island and Indian Point Power Plants. And her Y Axis is right where she left it. She's sitting on it.

I wish I remembered what I wanted to wish for.

09-27-2006, 03:36 AM
Granted. And now you wish you could forget it.

I wish I didn't have idiot co-workers.

09-27-2006, 03:48 AM
Granted-do you want us to help you to unidiotize them?

I wish that my relatives were capable of doing other things than scaring people so much that they break their own knee-caps

09-27-2006, 03:55 AM
granted - your relatives are now thoughtful caring generous beings. They'll break the knee caps of everyone in sight so they don't have to do it themselves.

I wish I had at least two extra hours in every day

09-27-2006, 04:15 AM
Granted I am buying you a love slave-no not that kind-well-not necessarily-and you can have as much time as you like to sip-or dip-or clip-or trip-or flip your flipperty gibbet

I wish perposterous was a good guy in a shark-skin suite

09-27-2006, 04:52 AM
(aww...actually, i'd need two slaves to get to that sip-dip-clip-trip-flip action)
Granted - perposterous is such a good guy that he's helping your relatives with their hobby

I wish my daughter didn't think bohemian meant leave-it-where-ever

09-27-2006, 04:59 AM
Granted-if you can manage to leave it long enough-and that is a big if-they will pick up the crap-maybe they should not have their cloths washed for a while-if you wash them-then try and see how that goes!

I wish that my friends wife was well-they just found a large tumor in her right lung-very sad-very nice lady-no smokey-so you never know-life is short and every day it is getting shorter-only the good die young and broke-I aint good-the living proof of the old pooding!!