View Full Version : Your wish is granted...

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05-24-2019, 10:21 PM
Denied ... you obviously don't know a quill is a pen and the exta baggage like a blotter and parchment would be overwhelming. I know you want it to be "more common" bud that paradade ain't going to start with out a leader and there aren't a lot of volunteers for the opportunity.

I wish Marshmallows floated

05-25-2019, 02:04 AM
Granted: Unless you squeeze the air out of them, they, as they always have, float.

I wish my marsh-mallows (Althaea officinalis) would bloom.


05-25-2019, 04:20 AM
Granted. But a meteorite recently landed near by, and your Althaea officinalis seems to be growing rapidly, and as it blooms, you hear a voice saying,"Feed me!"

I wish I had a purple bow tie.

05-25-2019, 04:00 PM
Granted! You had it. It was there for a second. But your over-attached girlfriend (if you don't have one, I'll include it with the wish) found it ugly and burned it with some of your possessions she thought you loved more than her.

I wish I have a girlfriend (I know I will regret making this wish).

05-25-2019, 04:14 PM
Granted. You have a girlfriend, and yes, you regret it. You'd not mentioned any of the relevant details about this desired girlfriend, so we let your mother choose your girlfriend for you...and they like each other very much. 'Nuff said.

I wish there were a "Free Vuvuzela Day", where the instrument was given to all child under age 10, in every city in the country.

05-26-2019, 06:58 AM
Granted. what the hell ... I love chaos

I wish i will sleep the the vuvuzela onslaught

05-28-2019, 10:02 AM
Granted! You will sleep never to you wake up. An endless slumber only the kiss of a prince will end. And the prince in question will be an ugly foaming pervert.

I wish to be a dragon.

05-28-2019, 07:29 PM
Granted. You are a bearded dragon (Pogona), measuring 40 cm long from head to tail. You are a popular kind of pet and are kept in a cage in a house full of children.

I wish I had holographic TV.

05-29-2019, 11:57 AM
Granted! But the only thing you have access is Japanese fan service with cute waifus singing and dancing in suggestive clothes with suggestive pose and cute voices. It can also work as alarm clock.

I wish I could peer into the future.

05-30-2019, 12:41 AM
Granted. You get to see what you're eating for lunch tomorrow. Eh, kinda dull, you may want to stop at the deli on your way home today.

I wish I had a microwave that was able to accurately cook popcorn and potatoes as it claims it can. (why bother with the buttons if everything turns out raw/burnt??)

Norman Mjadwesch
05-31-2019, 10:54 AM
Granted. Unfortunately it also doubles as your mailbox and the rascally neighbourhood kids like cooking things in it that would be best scooped up or else left the hell alone.

I wish inventors were elected to public office more often than actors and TV personalities.

05-31-2019, 08:02 PM
Granted! Only scientists can now be elected. They soon take over the world and established a technocracy for the good of mankind. And for the good of mankind, they choose a mad scientist named Desty Nova as their leader. No one knows where he came from. Some says an evil genius brought him into existence from a book, but who would believe this trash.

I wish for all humanity to possess common sense.

06-01-2019, 02:11 AM
Denied ... What the hell ... I love chaos

I wish my dachshund was a foot longer

06-01-2019, 12:23 PM
Your karma demands that I deny your wish. I'll do more. Your dachshund is changed into a chihuahua.

I wish PSB was rammed by a moose... in a shrubbery.

06-01-2019, 08:12 PM
Granted. PSB catches the eye of an elderly, but determined, lonely and love-sick senior Moose who isn't taking kindly to rejection. Getting caught up in the briar in this unsightly, farcical love story-gone-awry, poor PBS is then left to wonder why he just didn't grant all of humanity common sense, thus leaving it bereft of art, poetry, love, children....all of which make no sense at all. Too bad it's all happening right outside your bedroom window. Gonna be a long night.

I wish cats had to defend their behavior with verbal explanations in order to remain as house pets.

06-01-2019, 08:53 PM
Wish granted. My cat Zilpha is the Robert Mueller type--silent, determined, succinct when pressed. Her I will keep. My cat Zinnia is verbose to the point of histrionics--a real diva. Think of your Aunt Madge who describes your Uncle Ned's constipation problems at the family table. When asked to put a sock on it by Uncle Ned, she dissolves into tears and Thanksgiving turns into a family intervention on healthy eating. Zinnia I am sending to you---s6

I wish that my flowers could talk--not a lot, just enough so they could tell me what is bugging them.

06-02-2019, 07:27 AM
Granted. Your flowers descriptions are brief but relayed with incredible volume and at any/all hours of the day. Each day windows are shattered as they provide reports of improper watering, aphids and poorly draining soil. Each night threatens to disrupt the foundation of your home as plants complain about lack of sunshine. Your local HOA has reported these disturbances to local law enforcement, on multiple occasions.

I wish the sand at the beach didn't burn the soles of my bare feet.

06-03-2019, 04:52 AM
Denied ... what the hell ... I love chaos

I wish my bees could fly

06-03-2019, 05:32 AM
Dude, seriously... Granted. Your bees can fly because Kinsman's feet don't hurt anymore on the sand. He's taken lessons from fire walkers who limbo, so he looks a little silly on the beach in limbo pose, but at least he's fast. Your bees are looking for a new bee keeper (?) who cares about their needs and took off. Bye byeeeee...

I wish mother-in-laws weren't passive aggressive.

06-03-2019, 06:59 AM
Granted. Mothers-in-law are now actively aggressive. We now have Mother-in-law training camps where they go to learn to better assert themselves and receive their new equipment: hockey masks, track suits, machetes, flame throwers and dozer blades to mount on the front of 4x4 trucks. PSB should be pleased... chaos ensues

I wish Alzheimer's Disease wasn't "a thing". Though, truth be told I sometimes think I might have Part-timer's

06-03-2019, 09:18 AM
Granted. Now the risk of Dementia will go up five times the amount it already was!

I wish we could always see the stars.

06-03-2019, 04:57 PM
Granted. You now have endless loops of the acadamy awards presentations on all channels of your TV (I love choas)

I wish I could figure out what to do with this thing

06-04-2019, 04:14 AM
Granted! But now that is all you know how to do!

I wish I could play the piano as well as Beethoven.

06-04-2019, 04:21 AM
Granted. But he's been dead for a long time, so he doesn’t play very well. He's missing things like ligaments, muscles.

I wish I had my own house fairy to do my cleaning and yardwork.

06-04-2019, 04:22 AM
Granted. You have your own house fairy, but she is fed up with your measly wages and has called on all her brother and sister fairies to picket your house.

I wish I had an endless supply of popsicles.

Norman Mjadwesch
06-04-2019, 04:27 AM
Granted. However, the terms of your agreement require that you reciprocate and the house fairy in question is one seriously disgusting individual, with dead pixies littering the floor in every room.

I wish I'd put socks on this morning. My feet are freezing.

ETA: I also wish I was faster than that dratted Nymtoc.

So, granted... You have your popsicles but they are jammed into every orifice that you find uncomfortable, and let that be a lesson for typing faster than I do.

I wish (again) that I'd put socks on this morning because my feet are freezing.

06-04-2019, 04:31 AM
Granted. The socks you put on are five sizes too small. They cut off your circulation and you’ll die soon of gangrene.

I wish I could fit your funeral into my busy schedule

Norman Mjadwesch
06-04-2019, 04:39 AM
Granted. However my will clearly states that you are not to attend.

I bequeath my too-small socks to you and wish that you'd wear them on your ears.

06-04-2019, 06:37 AM
Granted. Though on Coddiwomple's ears, the socks fit perfectly causing a new fashion trend which nets said trend-setter Fame, Fortune, etc.

I wish that someone remembers to feed Norman's dog.

Norman Mjadwesch
06-04-2019, 08:29 AM
Granted. The menu consists solely of horses ears in small socks, which taste yummy but leave said horse looking rather odd. And whiney. So much for fame and fortune...

I wish that the destroyer of keyboards had actually destroyed a keyboard and was therefore unable to make comments about my avatar.

06-04-2019, 05:46 PM
Granted ... but the one you just got ended any desire to eat one. Buy LOTS of freezers.

I wish summer would get here soon

06-05-2019, 07:33 AM
Granted. For you summer also brings locusts, which rapidly devour most plant life (including the watercress, which is much cherished by any moose) and your remaining sammiches.

I wish I could remember to not run with scissors.

06-05-2019, 05:20 PM
Granted. But you never remember where you put them. You know you shouldn't run with scissors, yet you forgot there are still in your hands.

I wish for all warning signs to be removed (and let natural selection do its job).

Norman Mjadwesch
06-06-2019, 04:13 AM
Granted, though it doesn't make any difference because stupid people never read warning signs to begin with.

I wish this week would fuck off so that I can get to next week.

06-06-2019, 06:16 AM
Granted: A CNN newsteam is trampling your grass and flowers to film such and engossing event. They will porbably leave a bit of a mess in addition to the side effects of your request.

I wish my next can of tuna will have been filled with 24 caral gold

06-06-2019, 09:19 PM
Granted. Scientists (and CNN) flock to your kitchen and dining room to study the new phenomenon of 24 caral gold. Unfortunately for you it is all confiscated for the sake of research.

I wish people would simply set down their phones and have actual, meaningful conversations with one another (meanwhile, I'm heading for the hills)..

06-06-2019, 09:37 PM
Granted, but now that we've all put down our phones and have no distractions we all want to thank you personally. So, did I tell you that funny story about my dog....and that thing that happened to me in elementary school....and what the neighbor did the other day....and about my dream last night....wait! Come back! I can see where you're headed. Right behind you.

I wish that I had an Orange Creamsicle.

06-07-2019, 03:23 AM
Denied ... I'm going to make you wait until summer
I wish the voices would stop trying to get me to buy that stock portfolio

06-07-2019, 07:19 PM
Denied. Human beings make decisions largely based on emotions with little time in between thought and action....so invest you will in that stock portfolio. And lose it all.....sad.....care to join me in an Orange Creamsicle? (It's summer after all...delicious.)

I wish I had a really big sandbox.

06-07-2019, 08:50 PM
Granted. It's filled with twenty thousand yards of sand from Chernobyl.

I wish I had hair like Zack Morris.

Norman Mjadwesch
06-08-2019, 05:16 AM
Granted. Pubic hair.

I wish I had a genie in a bottle.

06-09-2019, 04:37 AM
Granted ... it might not be a genie in this bottle but you'll never know the difference after you drink this stuff

I wish the dragon flies would show up

06-10-2019, 08:41 AM
Granted. Dragonflies have arrived, by the hundreds of thousands. They've clogged your vents, your window screens, and your air conditioner. This causes your air conditioner to catch fire and burn your house to the ground. Now from your tent, your can enjoy the constant hum of dragonfly wings at all hours, at least until the sheer weight of thousands of them collapse your tent.

I wish everyone had clear skies at night to enjoy viewing the stars.

06-10-2019, 04:27 PM
Granted, however once finding out your wish were granted there would be mass chaos as everyone stopped to look at the stars. Car accidents as they gazed out their windows while driving. Pictures taken on cell phones crash computer systems. Surgeries postponed with dire results, so forth and so on....not the intended result, but no good deed goes unpunished.

I wish I had a suitcase that never felt heavy no matter how much you packed in it.

06-11-2019, 05:14 AM
Denied ... this is the baliwick of the clowns who stuff cars with themselves. They will probably help you with your suitcase act

I wish the circus would come to town

06-11-2019, 06:30 AM
Granted. And they've set them selves up on your lawn. Ringmaster Scratch (to those in "the know"... Ol' Scratch :evil ) has attracted the worst sort of crowd (introducing his clown, Pennywise) and they not only won't give you a share in the proceeds, your front lawn has become a portal to Hades.

I wish that envelopes had pleasantly-flavored adhesive.

Norman Mjadwesch
06-11-2019, 08:13 AM
Granted. And the adhesive is ultra-sticky. Good luck with that.

I wish I could see Kinsman's face when he realises that one of those letters stuck to his face contains a smear of dog poo.

06-11-2019, 12:05 PM
Granted. But it was only a dream. As you awake, you smell something strange and see the rear end of your dog (don't want to be to graphic, it's already disgusting enough). Just don't open your mouth.*

I wish for everyone to be always honest... (and let true chaos begins.)

Norman Mjadwesch
06-11-2019, 12:53 PM
Granted. Now I will be honest, as requested: you misspelt 'too' and used the lame cop-out "it was all a dream" trope, which is about as mindless and unimaginative as a human being can be. And you call yourself a writer?!

I wish I could untaste the rear end of my dog.

06-11-2019, 06:28 PM
Denied ... That's all I need to say

I wish cherries were red

06-11-2019, 10:42 PM
Granted!...... What? You were expecting something to happen? If you really want it. Now cherries are mini beating hearts made of human flesh as well as the trees on which they grow. All over the trees and fruits, you can see veins pulsing with carmine blood. Their branches are tentacles always questing for food. It's many mouth are lip less gaps with teeth arranged in a chaotic manner. But don't worry. Those things are vegan and completely harmless. A chance for you since they are surrounding your house.

I wish diplomacy was never invented (and let the world burn for chaos).

06-11-2019, 10:51 PM
Granted. *Poof* We can all forget posting now since humankind has ceased to exist having lost the ability to compromise for the sake of peace and tranquility.

(Feeling a little discouraged at the moment, poor dear. It's understandable...completely.)

I wish I had a never-ending supply of coffee that I never had to make myself.

06-12-2019, 07:58 AM
Granted. You now live in a McDonald's (*note: you never stated that the coffee need be free, nor palatable). Oh, and your designated booth is right next to the playhouse & ball pit. Thank me or curse me, whichever you see fit.

I wish I didn't require sleep.

Norman Mjadwesch
06-12-2019, 03:21 PM
Granted. You are now a tree.

I wish that I hadn't burned my hand today.

06-12-2019, 08:19 PM
Granted. Instead you will burn your hand tomorrow doing the same thing because you won't have had the opportunity to learn from your mistake.

I wish my friend hadn't bought a Labrador retriever puppy.... wouldn't recommend it.

06-12-2019, 11:11 PM
Granted! Now you have a Tibetan Mastiff. Good luck training him and feeding him.

I wish to be a pokemon.

06-13-2019, 04:20 AM
Granted ... you are now 2 1/2 inches by 4 inches and made of paper. Hope you don't get tossed in the bottom of a box and forgotten for twenty years of so after the mice have roomed with you.

I wish I had a purple ping ping ball and a popsickle stick

06-13-2019, 07:13 AM
Granted. You now have a purple ball that makes a "ping" noise in rapid succession and a sickle with a very thin wooden handle. Unfortunately, these items are only available to you on loan as they are unique items and will be collected from you tomorrow. Now, had you asked for a purple ping pong ball and a popsicle stick... those are much more common and you could have kept them... because

I wish for bowling ball sized hail just off the northern coast of Libya, just for the entertainment value.

06-13-2019, 11:14 AM
Granted. And in each hailstone there is a metal plate with your name and address engrave upon it. People will know who they have to thank for this.

I wish for all nuclear weapons to explode at the same time... just for fun.

06-13-2019, 06:25 PM
Granted. A worldwide peace agreement banning all nuclear weapons was agreed upon. All nuclear weapons were sent into far away space and blown up together to celebrate International Independence Day. A fun day was had by all.

I wish Azdaphel would make more "Pokemon" type wishes instead of attempting to eliminate diplomacy and invoke a nuclear war that would decimate all of mankind. (Is that too much to ask?)

06-14-2019, 07:24 AM
Granted. If for no other reason than to visit chaos on one who professes such affection for the topic (and to watch him look like this... :rant: ) However, all things drift toward entropy so surely he'll soon be back to his normal (wait, normal?...), ok... "usual" self.

I wish I had a Wonka everlasting gobstopper.

06-14-2019, 09:39 AM
Granted! But you can't eat anything else until you have finish it.

I wish to be Gyarados...... You know? The pokemon who is supposed to destroy cities. Which is inconsistent with the setting since the number of wild Gyarados may be greater than the number of cities and you never see any signs of an attack from a Gyarados.

Granted. If for no other reason than to visit chaos on one who professes such affection for the topic (and to watch him look like this... ) However, all things drift toward entropy so surely he'll soon be back to his normal (wait, normal?...), ok... "usual" self.

Blood for the blood god! Skulls for the skull throne!

06-17-2019, 02:14 AM
Granted. Fine, you're a cartoon. You now occupy a purely fictional space and may only interact with others at the scriptwriter's and author's whims.

I wish my chickens laid golden eggs.

06-17-2019, 03:19 AM
Granted. Your chicken lays golden eggs, but any attempt to pick up or move the eggs will break them, filling the area with an unbearable stench.

I wish I could walk through walls.

06-17-2019, 06:12 AM
Granted. You're now a ghost. You can walk through walls but remain completely intangible.

I wish for an industrial air purifier to counteract the unbearable stench of these broken eggs...

06-17-2019, 10:36 PM
Granted. Someone invented the machine. However, if you want it must by it. And it cost so much you will have to send all your chicken who lay golden eggs and every golden eggs you already have.

I wish to have the thing rich people doesn't need and the poor have in abundance.

06-18-2019, 06:02 AM
Granted. You're on Welfare, now go stand in line to get your cheese.

I wish for someone to silently grant my wish for silence.

06-18-2019, 06:28 AM
Denied ... I love chaos

I wish had one ton of lead and one ton of feathers and 73 rubber bands

06-18-2019, 07:14 AM
Granted, and every bit of it has been jammed into your sewage system. Love chaos? Try flushing your toilet now.

I wish fewer people felt compelled to abuse their bodies (and minds) by abusing drugs.

06-18-2019, 11:15 AM
Granted. Everyone turn toward World of Warcraft and League of Legends to compensate. A World of Warcraft 2 and League of Legends 2 are being developed.

I wish PSB would wish for something directly related to chaos since he loves it... if not, then I'll show you true chaos by Khorne!!!

06-19-2019, 03:51 AM
Denied ... nobody tells me what to do and survives

I wish Attilla the Hun and Rocky Balboa could be room mates

06-19-2019, 11:08 AM
Granted! And you live in the same room. Did I mention Conan is there to? Enjoy the chaos.

I wish to live on the Discworld. The one atop four elephants transported by the cosmic turtle A'Thuin.

06-19-2019, 11:06 PM
Granted, you are now a Mutant Ninja Turtle fighting crime. If that's not specifically what you wanted you'll have to redirect your wish to another department for exchange. Your wish ended up on the desk of someone too old to know what that all is and the line's backed up at the moment.

I wish to become one of the "Super Friends".

06-21-2019, 03:58 AM
Denied ... I mean ... what could you bring to the party "Average Rose"

I wish I could plant grass and harvest avacados

06-21-2019, 10:41 AM
Granted. But you can only plant grass and harvest avocados in a 1-hectare patch at the foot of the Verkhoyansk Mountains in Siberia.

I wish I had a title and everybody would be obliged to bow when they approach me.

06-21-2019, 05:12 PM
Granted ... Idub thee Sir DUCK !!!

I wish I could figure out how to clean this rug before my wife gets home (dropped a peanutbutter sammich and stepped on it when I woke up)

06-21-2019, 06:44 PM
Granted. You are now a master in cleaning art... but you'll need to go shopping since you don't have what you need. I don't think you will be back before your wife does. Good luck!

I wish I could live on pudding only.

06-22-2019, 06:50 PM
Granted. However, in order to make this diet life sustaining, I've had to brew up a vat of spinach, banana, beef and kidney bean pudding - with roasted peanuts and a cherry on top. Because I care.

I wish I had an umbrella that always worked and kept me completely dry.

06-23-2019, 12:29 AM
Granted: You now have an oversized umbrella permanently attached between your shoulder blades that is so large you are unable to pass through any portal in your home, thus keeping you inside and “completely dry” in even the severest of rainstorms.

I wish I had a way of getting my favorite restaurants to bring me food completely free of charge.

06-23-2019, 08:32 AM
Granted. All your favorite restaurants have failed their health inspections and have been put out of business. They will be bringing their wasted food to your home non-stop until they have exhausted their supplies.

I wish for world leaders who are both ethical and reasonably moral.

06-23-2019, 02:40 PM
Granted. But they don't have any knowledge in statecraft and mondial economy. Their rule lead to an economical crisis never seen before leading to the fall of civilisation as they rip apart capitalism without having a replacement system... always be careful what you wish, always fear it may happen.

I wish for a technocracy ruling over the world.

06-25-2019, 05:03 AM
Granted. Welcome to the Orwellian version of Technocrats extraordinaire. All of your needs are monitored and thoughts observed by the most efficient of all technical experts. 1984 to be exact.

I wish that I had a ping pong table.

06-25-2019, 06:40 AM
Granted. And conveniently you can hold it in the palm of your hand. Barbie, however, is raging and is looking for the thief who took her ping pong table. I've provided your address.

I wish I had a flamethrower.

06-25-2019, 09:42 AM
Granted. But you didn't wish for fuel. Either make an other wish or go by some.

I wish for a tiger class tank.

06-26-2019, 03:14 AM
Granted. However you had to trade your car in as an exchange. Not many modern conveniences, terrible on gas, it'll take you longer to get to work, but you get to park anywhere you want.

I wish dogs didn't get fleas.

06-26-2019, 08:51 PM
Granted. Now they have louses so they can share more thing with their masters.

I wish a stop to the trend of zombie-base products from goodies to movies and anything in between like books, board games, video games... everything! And no replacing with sparkling vampires!

06-27-2019, 06:42 AM
Granted. Welcome to revival of "My Little Pony", "Cabbage Patch Kids" and "Smokey and the Bandit"... Meanwhile, I'm disconnecting my cable service until this blows over.

I wish that telemarketing would become illegal.

06-27-2019, 08:01 AM
It is, but there is a resurgence of door-to-door salesmen. They knock on your door at only odd and inappropriate times.

I wish for a gallon of coffee and 12 more hours of sleep.

06-28-2019, 12:39 AM
Granted. You can have your coffee and sleep...right....NOW! Given you asked for it many, many hours ago, I have a feeling you would have preferred it when you first woke up, but those are the risks we wager. Glug, glug with you. Good luck sleeping tonight.

I wish I had sound proof windows.

06-28-2019, 06:46 AM
Granted. Your windows are now sound proof. They cannot be opened (which would allow sound to pass). The same applies to your doors and any other apertures. This could be good news if you're agoraphobic, but eventually you'll likely need to get out or bring something in. In the meantime, you might be able to get the pizza delivery guy to slip some breadsticks in through the mail slot.

I wish my vehicles never required maintenance.

06-28-2019, 11:41 AM
Granted. You now have a small plastic car for children with pedals. It only requires washing and oiling the mechanism. Oh, I forgot! It's pink with Barbie written on it. I didn't have an other model.

I wish for the human race to make first contact.

06-28-2019, 04:02 PM
Granted. So, on behalf of the human race I say "Howdy" Azdaphel. Not sure who you were trying to get a hold off, but we'll be right over since you offered.

I wish I had a collection of antique German Beer Steins.

06-29-2019, 04:37 PM
Granted. And since you showed you care in a previous wish, there won't be unwanted side-effects... this time.

I wish for aliens to come and do what must be done (I deliberately leave room for interpretation).

06-29-2019, 11:53 PM
Granted. The aliens will come and do what must be done for them to take over the Earth. (Well, you knew that was coming, didn't you? :ROFL:)

I wish I had a garden full of cabbages.

06-30-2019, 07:57 AM
Granted. As you approach your garden you distinctly hear the words "Feed Me!" coming from within. Choose your next actions carefully.

I wish aphids would no longer be attracted to my tomatoes.

07-02-2019, 10:56 AM
Granted. Everything that grows in your garden is poisonous. Perhaps something in the soil. Aphids avoid it like hell thus keeping them away from your tomatoes, which are no longer edible. Perhaps you should have which for ladybirds? They eat aphids.

I wish for the world to be perfect.

07-04-2019, 04:55 PM
Granted. "Perfect" is not only essentially conceptual, it's also highly subjective. The world is already perfectly Itself, and there is nothing else like it (to our current knowledge).

I wish someone would clean my gutters.

07-04-2019, 05:04 PM
Granted Azdaphel. All pollution has ceased, every illnesses is cured, universal love abound, and poverty is eradicated from the planet. Unfortunately, all mankind must cease to exist for this to be possible. So, I'll stand by on notice for the plague on it's way to wipe us all out, thanks (??)

Well I didn't want to miss out on making a 'perfect world', but now I have to clean gutters!

So, your wish is granted, Kinsman. In reparations for my late arrival in responding to the prior request I will clean your gutters. Unfortunately, I am very short, klutzy, and not all that tidy, so you'll need a long ladder, safety net, and not be very particular about the quality of my work. Happy to help.

I wish I had a fresh blueberry pie baked on the Northern coast of Maine.

07-05-2019, 04:44 AM
Granted. It also comes with a contingent of bears that are considerably miffed about having "their" blueberries harvested. You might consider having a word with them prior to enjoying your pie.

I wish for someone to replace my gutters. Now that ChloeRose tore them from their brackets in her attempt to clean them. The upside is that the YouTube video should be uploaded soon-ish

07-05-2019, 10:19 AM
Granted. A premium firm will come to replace with state of the art gutters. They are made of stainless steel and have an auto-wash system. Unfortunately you will have to wait since half the city need a change of gutters thanks to a certain person who botched the job. Oh, I forgot to talk about the cost but I hope your budget is not limited.

I wish for a high-specs computer with the last GeForce graphic card.

07-05-2019, 03:58 PM
Granted! You're in luck! My teenage son and his Uncle build their own computers, both whizzes at these things! They have some time this summer, so clear off your couch. They'll camp out at your place for as long as it takes...they work slowly, but that will give you time to hone your cooking skills. Teenage boys eat A LOT of food.

I wish I had a drawbridge in front of my house with a moat.

07-05-2019, 05:15 PM
Granted. Did you ever notice how quickly stagnant water becomes putrid? And the number of mosquitoes drawn to the new breeding ground is truly staggering. There is medication out there to help prevent malaria, but it can get expensive and long term usage tends to rip the lining out of your kidneys. Still, the moat and drawbridge has certainly altered your curb appeal. Throughout the day groups of complete strangers, some wearing robes and some wearing armor, come knocking on your drawbridge. What is LARPing, by the way?

I wish for the funds to pay for these new gutters.

07-07-2019, 05:43 AM
Granted. But to pay for your gutters you'll have to live like a college student forced to eat daily ramen noodles, steal toilet paper, drive a car that breaks down constantly, and take out loans that will take you 10 years to pay off. But in the end it will all be worthwhile. (ah ha ha ha ha ha!)

I wish I weren't stuck under an awning waiting, for yet another, thunderstorm with electricity to pass.

07-07-2019, 07:59 AM
Granted. Lightning strikes the awning and the shockwave from the resulting thunderclap casts you out into the rain.:badthoughts You may be wet, but considering what might have happened, I'd consider going out and buying a lotto ticket.

I wish for some teriyaki sauce to go with this daily ramen diet that ChloeRose has subjected me to. Later, I'll wish to survive all the sodium intake... I just can't not use the entire flavoring packet.

07-08-2019, 12:58 PM
Granted. But your problem won't only be sodium but also sugar (there is much sugar in the teriyaki sauce) which leads to diabetes. There is also your digestive system which will be completely devastated by this diet. You don't eat this kind of food and expect your stomach to survive and avoid an ulcer.

I wish for Emanuel Macron to resign from the post of president.

07-09-2019, 07:14 AM
Granted. The world now watches, aghast, as Jean-Luc Mélenchon takes the podium to greet his constituency. It was either that or send Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez to France, but she's likely just one step away from being on the no-fly list.

I wish that honesty was practiced as much as it is preached. Go ahead, I can take it.

07-09-2019, 07:53 AM
Granted. Prepare for what many times will be more ethical, however many times much less sensitive, society. An unintended side-effect of the new 'honesty' policy is that men will also become much better skilled at locating the exit, when moms find out no one really likes their cooking, wives are told they don't truly look good in that dress, and daughters now know that they have no possibility of actually becoming princesses, don't bar the door for the stampede. Have the hankies ready and thank Kinsman for that one. Honestly.

I wish that my milk hadn't gone bad and that I'd not run out of eggs (two-parter, but I think they can be a common combo).

07-09-2019, 04:23 PM
Granted. However your wish exceeds the single wish limitation of this thread so additional penalties apply. There are no 'two-fers' here. As a result, your milk is now just fine except your jug is empty. You now have eggs aplenty, but they've gone seriously bad. I wouldn't recommend cracking one unless you have a fan going and windows open.

I wish that for an undisclosed 2 hour period sometime within the next day, everyone's wishes will come true. :popcorn:

07-09-2019, 06:59 PM
Granted. But most people won't enjoy their wish since there is a group of gamer (which I'm not part of) who wished for a zombie apocalypse (I hate zombies but you indirectly wished for it). So those two hours will see people busy fleeing a horde of walking corpses to avoid a very uncomfortable death.

I wish to travel to another world (I am allergic to zombies and Kinsman is about to unknowingly unleash them upon the world).

07-10-2019, 08:36 AM
Granted. Welcome to Zombie World. Ok, who didn't see that one coming?

I wish for John Wayne's shotgun. Apparently zombies are coming, and the Duke never needed to reload.

07-11-2019, 04:20 PM
Granted. Sort of. Unfortunately original John Wayne shotguns are cost prohibitive, and we weren't sure you'd pass the background check (such as it is), so instead it will be the next best thing; John Wayne's 'Lil Duke' BB Gun Rifle. Don't shoot your eye out.

I wish I had bear costume.

07-11-2019, 05:52 PM
Granted. But it is cursed and to remove it you need to kill someone. Just to help for your first use of the costume, I will put Kinsman next to you.

I wish for a flamethrower.

07-11-2019, 07:29 PM
Granted. Let help help you with these straps... not too tight, is it? Ok, now you hold down this lever and then you flip this switch with your thumb... no, wait! Let me stand over... there. ---- Ok, hit it!
Wow. Who would've thought a flamethrower could explode like that. Do you suppose I had the regulator turned up too high?
ChloeRose, stop that growling and snarling for a moment and come have a look at this!

I wish for a metal box to lock up this bear costume ChloeRose brought me.

07-12-2019, 12:57 AM
Granted. Unfortunately the metal box was where you kept the flamethrower, so it's a little...umm, melted. You can jam in half of the bear suit, but the other half, the head and claws, will be mounted in such a way as the eyes of the bear will follow you where ever you go. Nighty night.

I wish for a giant bag of oversized marshmallows to throw at people (while in my bearsuit).

07-12-2019, 09:16 AM
Granted. The oversized marshmallows are all stuck together, but you can still throw the whole bag. Oddly enough, this still accurately satisfies your wish according to your wording.

I wish for mild weather tomorrow. since bearsuits are hot and I have zero doubts that ChloeRose's zipper is gonna get stuck.

07-12-2019, 11:19 AM
Granted. You have mild summer... for the Sahara. So it is hot but not that hot. Only 40°C. Don't worry, I will give you a reserve of water.

I wish for an apple pie (it's my birthday today).

07-12-2019, 01:42 PM
Granted!! Have a very happy birthday! I most certainly would grant you an apple pie. No strings attached today.:partyguy:

I wish I could read faster.

07-12-2019, 06:21 PM
Whaaaaat?!? No strings?!? :Jaw:

Granted, but additional penalties for thread rule violation must be imposed.:rulez
You can now read faster, but only in Sanskrit. While you might think this could somehow come in handy, Sanskrit was primarily used in Ancient Mesopotamia. I think we have seen that spot of real estate in the news a time or two in the last few years. Yes, we're whisking you to the current site of what was once Mesopotamia... in your bearsuit.

I wish that someone would bring me a nice lemonade so I wouldn't have to get up from this hammock.

07-12-2019, 11:41 PM
But it is his BIRTHDAY! An apple pie is not much to ask for, truly. At least he's not sitting in a hammock waiting for someone to bring him a lemonade so he doesn't have to get up...speaking of which...

Granted I'd be happy to bring you a lemonade. We can all stop what we're doing just for you. Fresh squeezed I assume? Ice cold and filled to the brim? Lots of ice? Naturally, I'll bring it right over. Oh no...ugh...ouch! Big rock, my toe! (gravel and tripping noises)...here comes the lemonade.....whoops! (full glass pours into your lap..so unintentionally). Remember I'm klutzy. As my son says, when it comes to me, "Holding things is hard" At least you're cooled off now.

I wish there were more room in my freezer. It's too full.

07-13-2019, 12:28 AM
Granted. There is a lot more room in your freezer--so much that you can step inside and close the door after you. Isn't that nice? Unfortunately, there is no handle on the inside of the door, and once you are in, there is no way out. Chill.

I wish I could speak Mandarin.

M.S. Wiggins
07-13-2019, 01:36 AM
Granted. You now quack Mandarin. No one can understand a thing you’re quaking but speculate your rapid-fire squawks are related to spotting the ginger, garlic, green onions, and myriad other spices set on the kitchen counter… and probably the nearing cleaver. But you Mandarin-quacked your best duck song and that’s all that matters. *belch*

At the risk of wishing cliché, I wish for global peace.

07-13-2019, 01:56 AM
Granted. Saturn is at peace. We were gonna try for Mars, but that being named after a god of war we decided to start elsewhere.

I wish for a towel.

07-13-2019, 06:20 AM
Granted. My dog is dry now, he only had a few fleas, didn't roll in that much outside, and the towel is only a little completely soaking wet, but consider it yours.

I wish someone would dig up my giant hostas, split them up, and replant them in specified areas of my yard.

07-14-2019, 01:54 AM
Granted. I have often been accused of being an over-achiever. Perhaps you can tell. The holes are large enough to be mistaken for graves and the hostas have been divided to the point that they appear to have been put through a food processor (Is this your Veg-o-matic?). I only await your instructions as to where you would like them buried replanted.

I wish it was possible to find good help these days.

07-14-2019, 09:28 PM
Granted. I've found a Craftsman of the highest quality who has expertise in every field with decades of experience. Unfortunately you can't afford him. Nice try though. After the hosta debacle there's obviously quite a need.

I wish my friend's dog wouldn't slobber on me every time I tried to pet it.

M.S. Wiggins
07-14-2019, 10:30 PM
Granted, the dog now slobbers on you out the end that ‘go over the fence last’.

I wish I’d stop obsessing over edits.

07-15-2019, 12:49 PM
Granted. You can no longer edit your posts. Now you are obsessing over not making mistakes.

I wish for humanity to discover FTL space travel (Faster Than Light).

07-16-2019, 05:22 AM
Granted. But now your memory of it must be wiped. You're not meant to know about it. Too bad the chemicals that are used to remove memories are so indiscriminate.

I wish that doctors still made house calls. (anyone remember that?)

07-18-2019, 01:23 PM
Granted. Doctors in statistics and social studies will bugger people all day long to provide informations to politicians and commercial firms.

I wish for this thread to be renamed "Thy wish be granted".