View Full Version : Your wish is granted...

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02-08-2019, 10:29 AM
Granted, but all they do is wish for more wishes.

I wish I could put my dog's brain in the body of a crocodile...

02-09-2019, 02:21 AM
Granted. But what used to be a playful nip on your leg is now like a scene from a horror movie. :e2chain:

I wish I could travel anywhere in the world without paying.

02-11-2019, 02:18 AM
You can but you've been transformed into an airplane wheel.

I wish I could move ridiculously heavy objects without straining my back.

02-11-2019, 05:27 AM
....your wish is granted, but the heavy items must be ridiculous, such as an ice cream truck on top of an elephant.

I wish I were athletic enough to do any sport I wanted...

02-13-2019, 10:46 AM
Granted! But your wish seems odd considering the only sport you want to do is cup-stacking.

I wish I owned an ice cream truck.

02-15-2019, 06:39 PM
....your wish is granted, but given that you live in Norway I'm not sure how much good it's going to do you.

I wish that I could go back to college and earn a higher degree without paying for it.

02-15-2019, 09:09 PM
Granted. You are hereby granted a scholarship to Trump University, where you...oh, hell, the Feds shut it down.

I wish I had a butler robot.

M.S. Wiggins
02-17-2019, 01:43 AM
Granted. Your butlernot just welcomed the POTUS into your home. Have fun entertaining him.

I wish I was a fly on Nymtoc’s wall.

02-17-2019, 07:05 AM
Granted. But be aware that Nymtoc won first prize at the annual Fly-Swatting Contest last year. :snoopy:

I wish I could visit ancient Rome for a day.

02-17-2019, 07:27 AM
Granted! The twelve-feet tall, three-hundred pound housefly known as ‘Rome’ is waiting for you at the dumpster behind your local supermarket. Rome has been meaning to talk to about your Fly-Swatting habits and how you’ve been telling everyone he’s ancient. He’s really looking forward to your visit.

I wish Nymtoc had a huge can of Raid Bug Spray.

02-18-2019, 11:25 PM
Granted, but you know what? It's empty.

I wish to not be Nymtoc.

02-19-2019, 12:54 AM
Granted. You are not now and never have been and never will be Nymtoc. (That was an easy one! :banana:)

I wish I could write a novel in one day.

M.S. Wiggins
02-20-2019, 02:54 AM
Granted, but it's a Groundhog-Day style granting. (You have to get it write/right first before you can move on Nymtoc-Murray.) ;)

Wish I could edit a novel in one day.

02-22-2019, 08:23 AM
Granted, but it will be Worlds of Power: Metal Gear described as possibly the worst book ever written: review "This must have been a secret plot by ..to destroy any interest in reading.. so bad it might cause your brain to forget how to read in self-defense."

I wish I could fly to Paris in an hour to dine at the Eiffel Tower Restaurant during the springtime.

02-23-2019, 11:45 PM
Okay, but given that your location is Pennsylvania, the only way you could make it to Paris in an hour is by traveling with an SR-71, a retired military vehicle. You are arrested immediately after lunch for theft and parking the SR-71 in the middle of Paris' busiest road.

I wish to walk in lollipop land.

02-27-2019, 11:23 AM
Granted! You are a eight-inch tall pink ball of cuteness known as Kirby. Look out for the tanks. Good luck with the boss fight on stage 6.

I wish I had an Atari 2600.

02-27-2019, 07:10 PM
Granted! But in order to play the Atari 2600 you'll have to dress in clothes fashionable at the time which include parachute pants, a skinny neck tie, a Hawaiian shirt and puff your hair up as high as it will go with gel and hairspray.

I wish I could wake up and find my old, rusty, gas guzzling, bench seat, 2 door, V8, 1969 Chevy Nova coupe, waiting for me in the driveway.

02-27-2019, 09:47 PM
Granted. But be careful not stomping on it, it's just a scale model. The original was so rusty, it fell apart.

I wish I could replay games I have played like it was the first time.

03-02-2019, 03:46 AM
Granted: From now on you play every game like it was the first time. Everything you learned the last, first time is erased from from your memory. In a Sisyphean nightmare you repeat the same mistakes, and the game quickly ends in the same abrupt manner.

I wish I would spend more time writing and not be so easily distracted.

03-02-2019, 07:31 AM
Granted: You are now alone on a small island. You know the satellite (your only chance) passes overhead... right around high tide. You spend all day every day writing....HELP.

I wish I had the power. All the power.

03-02-2019, 10:49 AM
Granted! You're Snap! Unfortunately that means your life is also "getting kinda hectic". (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_BRv9wGf5pk).

I wish I had a microphone.

03-02-2019, 11:02 AM
Granted! You are now the cord to which it's attached. Hope no one trips!

I wish I could see across the entire universe.

03-06-2019, 05:56 AM
Granted. But the trade off is you're farsighted. Which for you now means if you want to read a menu you'll need arms that reach to the moon. (try the burger. it's good and before long it'll cost a fortune in taxes)

Hmm. I wish I had the best burger in the world.

Norman Mjadwesch
03-07-2019, 07:16 AM
Granted, but it is so damned good looking that you are unable to ruin it by eating it.

I wish I had a pet hippopotamus with five legs.

03-07-2019, 04:46 PM
Your wish is granted, but he'll make a raucous noise, trample your backgarden, and you'll need an industrial strength leash to walk around the neighborhood while people stare at you anywhere you go (did I mention you'll have to clean up after him?)

I wish I owned a bakery and could eat all of the cookies, brownies and cakes I wanted without ever gaining weight....

Kenneth Keltarin
03-07-2019, 08:14 PM
Granted. You are a two-dimensional cartoon character capable of swallowing anything though you'll never make it to that third dimension. Watch out for stiff breezes and a high-pitched Christopher Lloyd.

I wish all this snow would stop falling, it's nearly spring...

03-08-2019, 12:24 AM
Granted. The snow has stopped falling, and the temperature has risen to 136 degrees F. (Global warming. :snoopy:)

I wish I didn't have a dental appointment this afternoon.

Norman Mjadwesch
03-08-2019, 03:40 AM
Granted. You are in a morgue awaiting autopsy.

I wish I had milk to put on my cereal.

03-08-2019, 09:20 AM
Granted! Your cereal bowl is full of mushroom milk fresh squeezed... er, squashed... juiced from the fungus. Yum!

I wish I had a box of Cap'n Crunch to go with my bowl of cow milk.

Norman Mjadwesch
03-08-2019, 05:35 PM
Granted. Your Cap'n Crunch is full of weevils and the cows milk has curdled. Enjoy the biodiversity!

I wish people would stop being silly with their wish solutions on this thread.

03-08-2019, 06:46 PM
Granted. From now on when you attempt to access this site will be redirected to "Mathematics Stack Exchange" with forum questions such as:
"If E is splitting field of f(x) and we denote degree of fi(x) by di , then Gal(E/F)≤Sd1×Sd2×Sd3× ... ×Sdn (Gal(E/F) is Galois group of f(x) and Sn is permutation group of n)
My Question: Is this collect?"
... you will fine nothing of silly amusement from here to the foreseeable future. Enjoy!!

I wish that I had a personal chef to here create perfectly prepared, healthy and delicious meals 24 hours a day.

Norman Mjadwesch
03-09-2019, 01:57 AM
Granted. Meals will be prepared around the clock and you will not be allowed to leave the table until each of them has been eaten. Try not to explode.

I wish that I did not enjoy mathematics so much as to be sorely tempted by the previous solution.

03-09-2019, 06:57 AM
Granted! But now you are - tempted by the fruit of another
Tempted but the truth is discovered
What's been going on
Now that you have gone
There's no other

i guess maybe i wish for more confidence or something, i don't know, is that a dumb wish?

Norman Mjadwesch
03-09-2019, 11:11 AM
Granted! You are now an incredibly confident and wishful person whose all-knowing personality, grass-roots connection to the voters, and no-nonsense approach to democracy has seen you elected to the US presidency.

I wish I wasn't being sarcastic.

03-09-2019, 06:14 PM
Granted! You told the truth and telling it is not sarcastic. In fact, it hurts after the person you were talking to punch you in the stomach.

I wish I knew the answer to life, the universe and everything else.

Norman Mjadwesch
03-10-2019, 12:34 AM
Granted. You are now Douglas Adams but because of your superior intellect the only way to communicate with humanity is to write books that contain life's answers, yet they are treated by readers largely as entertainment.

I wish I had simply written 42.

03-10-2019, 12:35 AM
Granted! You have all the answers. Unfortunately the ONLY question anyone ever asks you for the rest of your life is - Hey did you get a haircut or something?

I wish I had more focus.

Damn it! Missed it by one minute. Ignore my wish Genie. Next time.

03-11-2019, 03:59 AM
Granted. You are propelled back in time and when the fateful moment arrives this time your intuition takes over and you simply write.......42. The questionnaire you were filling out asked for your IQ.

I wish I was better at making decisions. No, more focus. No, the first thing - decisions.....uh..yeah decisions.

03-11-2019, 04:48 AM
Granted. You now have the focus and decision making abilities of a brain surgeon, unfortunately with no aptitude towards math, and being squeamish around blood, all that ability amounts to nawt.

I wish I had the skills of a professional contractor and the energy needed to finish up the the projects I have waiting for me.....

Norman Mjadwesch
03-11-2019, 06:40 AM
Granted! The contract you have just completed was a hit on Slick Jimmy and now you've just heard that his cousins are looking for you.

I wish I could do the things I used to be able to do without worrying about the consequences.

03-11-2019, 07:52 AM
Granted. You have been transported back to a state of infancy before you knew what consequences were. You may now grab people's hair, scream during dinner, throw food, wear a diaper (or not) and fall down at will, and you won't care at all, but you're (soon to be ex-) friends might.

I wish I had the time and ability to read every great work of literature, history and science.

Norman Mjadwesch
03-11-2019, 08:30 AM
Granted! You have attained a level of narcissism that has you convinced that only your writing and research has any worth, and so your days are filled admiring your own work and denigrating everything else.

I wish I didn't have to go to work this afternoon.

03-11-2019, 04:43 PM
Granted. You can now spend the day looking at the want ads for a job since you didn't show up for the one you had.

I wish I didn't have phone conference to prepare for and it could be postponed until tomorrow.

Norman Mjadwesch
03-12-2019, 02:01 AM
Granted! You have received a promotion and now everything you find onerous can be delegated to one of your minions.

I wish that we lived in a world where experts were listened to by policy makers, and where education was more important than popularity.

03-12-2019, 02:39 AM
Granted. You have been transported to the fifth planet circling Star 2767 in the Andromeda Galaxy, a very attractive planet. Experts are listened to by policy makers there, and education is much more important than popularity. Unfortunately, the temperature is rather high (1,500 degree Celsius, on the average), but 2767's citizens have gotten used to it--and with luck, maybe you will, too.

I wish I had an assistant to do all the tedious things in life.

03-12-2019, 04:56 AM
Granted. However, your assistant is not adept at independent decision making and will ask you on a continuous basis how you want something done. This takes up all free time you thought you'd find by having an assistant, so please keep your cell phone turned on.

I wish could be in two places at the same time so I could both get my work done and go out for lunch.

Norman Mjadwesch
03-12-2019, 05:34 AM
Granted! You are now an amoeba and have split in two. Unfortunately, you are no longer able to have thoughts, and therefore do not regret that your wish could have been solved by having a job as a food taster. You just had to insist on being in two places at once!

I wish my avatar looked like a Rorschach ink blot test.

03-12-2019, 05:58 AM
Granted. You go out for lunch to a seedy, dimly lit place called El Taco Disgusto which is also the last stop on your route with your roach spraying enterprise.

What about the "two places at the same time," you ask? Easy now, I didn't forget...The place doubles as a meth lab.

I wish I looked better in a hat.

03-12-2019, 05:59 AM
Ah for Christs sakes! (Genie I wish I could think faster) Next time Genie. Next time.

Gotta admit I like the dog's a little better.

03-12-2019, 04:44 PM
It's all good.....but so frustrating when we get beaten to the punch by one of our fellow writers! lol

Granted, but the hat you look good in happens to be a tricorn, triangular hat, that George Washington wore in the 1800's. So you'll stand out a little bit when you wear it to work, on a date, or riding the subway.

I wish I could go to NY to see a Broadway show while driven around by limousine.

03-13-2019, 05:41 AM
Granted. You know as a Genie I take my business seriously - I have little time or patience for any form of "entertainment." And musicals, well I must admit I find them pretty insufferable. But.......
OMG! Watching those furry Cats trying to sing and dance and stay in character while running in front of a limo has gotta be the funniest goddamn thing I've ever seen! Oh syntax is the best!

I wish I could move things with my mind.

03-13-2019, 11:24 AM
Granted! You can now move Thing 1 and Thing 2 with your mind. Activate the power by standing nose-to-nose with your target and staring at them. In case you don’t have any Dr. Seuss characters in your neighborhood, it’ll also work on people you don’t know. Just go up to a stranger, stand nose-to-nose and stare. Trust Genie. They’ll move.

I wish I had a talking fish.

03-13-2019, 05:56 PM
Granted. You now have a fish that never stops talking. From the minute you walk in the door, while you sleep, and before you leave, it will talk, talk, talk. It has opinions on everything you're doing and rambles on about the most boring topics you can possibly think of. A great addition to your home. Enjoy!

I wish I had an encyclopedic brain, photographic memory and could speed read.

03-13-2019, 08:13 PM
Well, you can, but it doesn't last long. Turns out if you eat all the product, nobody will give you money to keep your bakery afloat.

I wish that Space Quest 7 would come out.

03-13-2019, 09:56 PM
It does, but they are forced to release early before working out all the kinks. The worst is their new connectors. One plugs in through your nose but it sucks out your back teeth and Sharpei slides down the back of your throat.

I wish for packages to announce themselves when they are deposited at my doorstep.

03-13-2019, 11:56 PM
Granted. You now have a package alert system enabled with the scream of the former comedian Sam Kinison that will not stop until you've retrieved said package into your home.(If you've not heard of him be sure to look him up....classic). You'll never miss a delivery again...and neither will any of your neighbors.

I wish I had a drone to go to the grocery store for me when I'm out of something.

03-14-2019, 01:35 AM
*That sounds very like a howler, but I approve.*

I like how you asked for everything but actually getting the thing you actually need. Well it did everything you said ... up to that point, and then ... well no one was harmed, but there is now a big ugly black hole where the store the used to be. Oh, and also drones are notoriously lazy, so it took your car, ran into a mailbox, ate all of the letters, and then went to the store.

I wish I had a Dalai Lama string pulling doll that said the most inappropriate things at the wrong time and has about a million different sayings.

03-17-2019, 06:32 AM
Granted! Let's try this thing out.

Pull.............Happiness is found inside. And remember don't touch the girls or they'll throw you right out on your ass.
Pull.............Love is right here if you know where to look. ATM on the left, champagne room in the back.
Pull.............All of life is Beauty. Whoa look at those! See, see perfect example.

I wish I was buds the Dalai Lama

03-17-2019, 11:34 PM
Granted! Since you haven't made friends with the current Dalai Lama on facebook, instagram, followed him on twitter, watched his youtube videos, or listened to his podcasts, you're obviously a traditionalist. So, enjoy your transport back in time to hang out with #1 as a goat herder in 1398 Tibet with your new BFF!

I wish I could see the Aurora Borealis without having to go to Iceland in the dark of winter and feel I was freezing to death.

03-18-2019, 10:26 PM
Granted! They're coming to your living room. And remember - you asked for this.

https://youtu.be/NYlgbbAgCxQ (http://youtu.be/NYlgbbAgCxQ) (well, the link isn't working. If you're interested go to youtube and search Sarkikos)

I wish I could run like I used to.

Norman Mjadwesch
03-19-2019, 10:05 AM
Granted! You are once more a baby and you are ejecting volumes of diarrhea that make the most loving parents retch. The secret ingredients are milk, fruit juice and coke.

I wish I loved the things I hate

03-21-2019, 04:21 AM
Granted. It is now opposite day and you're the inverted image of the person that you were. By loving all the things you hate, the flip side is that you will have to hate all the things you loved before your wish was granted. Plus those who are important to you will think you've completely lost the plot, but you have your wish!

I wish I could swim all of the ocean without a submarine and observe all of the crazy fish that live at the very bottom of the deep blue sea (bear in mind I get sea sick)....

03-21-2019, 05:12 AM
Granted! Dive in and head for the bottom. You may now observe all those crazy fish - most of them from below. You are a Lump Fish. Do not swim near reflective surfaces. Trust me.

I wish I could step away from political news like I keep telling myself.

03-22-2019, 05:42 AM
Granted. Like so many of us yearn to, you will be removed from watching politics and instead be devoted to another kind of drama....the soap opera channel. Your head will now be reeling wondering whose baby it is, will the perfect couple ever make up and get married, and what rich older man will swoop in and save the day. When the election finally rolls around you'll have no clue and forget to vote altogether. The world will now end up with President ........? (sometimes better not to know).

I wish that I could backpack across Europe all summer (bear in mind I'm too old to now).

03-22-2019, 02:56 PM
Granted! But you will do it as a turtle. The big ones can live very old and still be in shape to travel. However, it will take a very long time to go from one place to another.

I wish I knew everything.

Norman Mjadwesch
03-22-2019, 03:43 PM
Granted. Unfortunately no one else is able to comprehend your gems of wisdom are you are routinely ignored (the rest of the time you are treated like a crank).

I wish that I was able to keep all of my promises.

03-22-2019, 10:28 PM
Granted. Of course, that includes the time your told your neighbor, "If you don't stop sweeping your leaves on my driveway, I swear I'll kill you!" Having kept that promise, you are spending the rest of your life in prison.

I wish I felt as full of energy as when I was 17.

M.S. Wiggins
03-23-2019, 01:38 AM
Granted, contractually. Fifty percent of seventeenth-year accrued energy owed to Genie, grantor-in-chief, twenty-five percent to Cosmic Time Reversal Department (CTRD), and fifteen percent to wholesale energy distributors. Your takeaway is ten percent royalties for Energy: Year 17. Have fun haggling with the ERS (Energy Revenue Service) over wish deductions!

I wish(ed) for more indictments.

03-24-2019, 10:06 PM
Granted. It's as bad as you expected and isn't that better than having to re-evaluate your bias and see the good in those you hate?

I wish I could roar with the ferocity and volume of a lion and silence all these barking dogs.

03-24-2019, 10:15 PM
Granted. But your roaring has enraged your neighbors, and you have been arrested for disturbing the peace.

I wish I could remember every word of everything I ever read.

03-24-2019, 11:57 PM
Granted. You now have the mind of a dictionary and can recall at will every word you have ever read. However, you have also lost the ability to use these words in any meaningful or creative way. When anyone needs to know the spelling or definition of a word they're in luck to have you there, but we'd miss you here as the wit and wisdom you exhibit would no longer be possible.

I wish watching golf weren't so boring.

03-25-2019, 02:16 AM

"And welcome viewers to the first annual Russian Roulettte Open! Where one in ten balls is an acme explosive device. You're up first Tiger. Please choose your first ball out of the Bucket of Destiny."

I wish I could run along the tree tops like those Chinese people in that movie with the swords and the fighting and the poison and the trees.

03-25-2019, 01:34 PM

But you now live in the desert.

I wish I could sing beautifully.

Norman Mjadwesch
03-26-2019, 03:40 AM
Granted. Unfortunately this is the 21st century and beautiful singing is no longer popular, having been replaced by forms of entertainment that are called music but resemble nothing of the sort.

I wish reality TV was banned and replaced with something that was educational, entertaining and socially responsible.

03-26-2019, 04:23 AM
Granted. All TV is banned. Here's your 550k-piece puzzle depicting the instructions on how to build a solar generator.

I wish The Media would simply report the news without "spin" or agenda.

03-26-2019, 07:14 AM
Granted. Here are some no-spin examples from today's news:

The sun rose in the east.
A hen laid an egg.
There were clouds in the sky.
Grass grew.

I wish I could go back in time and meet Socrates.

03-26-2019, 03:38 PM
Granted! But you arrive just the day of his birth. Have patience my friend, you may live long enough to talk to him.

I wish I could launch laser beam with my eyes.

03-27-2019, 03:49 AM
Granted. You can now launch laser beams from your eyes, unfortunately you have no control over when this happens which gets to be rather inconvenient. You can no longer drive for fear of accidents so you have to stay home. But watching TV becomes impossible. Any action scenes and you blow the whole thing up. Not to mention having a meal. Don't look down or the cooking term 'carmalized' will be applicable from eggs to pasta and everything in between. Doesn't do much for your social life either, naturally.

I wish I had a goat that knew how to write long, personal letters, as well as issuing goat-related commentary on current events in the local paper.

03-27-2019, 04:02 AM
Granted. He knows how to do all of this. It just comes to him naturally. But... he's never even uttered a word in your presence. He flops on the couch with some sweet bud and his only attempt at even basic communication is when he raises a hand (hoof) to you (and maybe a glare) when he can't hear the tv.

I wish I could do those pull ups.

03-28-2019, 05:01 AM
Granted. You are now able to infinite numbers of pull ups, however to do so your biceps will become ginormous. Start shopping for some roll-up shirts, a corn cob pipe, get a tattoo, and stock up on many cans of spinach. Unfortunately, it will reduce your dating pool quite a bit and creates some fierce opposition.

I wish I liked skiing and could do so without getting all wet and freezing cold.

03-28-2019, 06:18 PM
Granted! But you also have been transported in a far future when a climatic change has made snow a legend of times past.

I wish I could wish things into being.

03-28-2019, 09:29 PM
Granted. But wait don't you do it. Don't you dare think of the Stay Puft marshmallow man. Don't you do it!

I wish I could clear my head.

03-28-2019, 09:37 PM
Granted. In a ground-breaking new surgery, your brain has been removed.

I wish I had a Ferris wheel.

03-29-2019, 12:54 AM
Granted. You now have your own Ferris Wheel...and we'll throw in some tiny instruments to boot. For your flea circus. In the 1820s an Italian named Louis Bertolotto created an “extraordinary exhibition of industrious fleas". Think of all the fun you'll have. Just carefully wrap a thin gold wire around your flea's necks and they are surprisingly strong and trainable. They'll even rotate the Ferris Wheel for you. Make an impression you will.

I wish I had my own old fashioned ice cream shop that served all of the flavors that were ever made.

04-03-2019, 03:16 AM
Granted. Your shop serves all 3,279 flavors of ice cream that have ever been made.They include lobster, bourbon & cornflake. ghost pepper, crocodile egg, shark's fin & squid, cactus, octopus, and raw horse flesh*. Few people come into your shop. Worse, the Friends of the Octopus has joined with Make the World Safe for Crocodiles to picket you, and law enforcement is not far behind. Your trial begins tomorrow morning.

*These are real ice cream flavors!

I wish I could visit Saturn.

04-03-2019, 04:59 PM
Granted. You now stand before the god of time, the one named Chronos in Greek mythology, the lord of the Titans. Sorry, what? Did you mean the planet? My apologies but I don't have time to repair my mistake, however, Saturn has a great collection of clocks and watches he is very proud of, and he has not seen many people since a very long time.

I wish I could visit Pluton.

04-03-2019, 09:09 PM
Granted. Pluto, the god of the Underworld, is very happy to see you. You will dwell in the land of the dead forever. (By the way, he will imprison you in a type of igneous rock called pluton, which will prevent you from moving more than a millimeter a century.)

I wish I had a grandfather clock.

04-04-2019, 03:00 AM
Granted. You are now the proud owner of a Grandfather clock and, my, do you have good taste. The Howard Miller J.H. Miller Tubular Chime Grandfather Clock features 16 different hardwoods, including Cherry, Crotch Figured Mahogany, Movingue, Avodire, and Boxwood, (don't ask me what Crotch figured Mahogany might be), ornate polished brass, Roman numeral dial, locking door for added security (?), and 'Free White Glove Shipping & Delivery'. So, I'm sure you won't mind paying the $30,650. Plus, it being 8 feet tall if the budget gets to be too tight you may actually be able to live in it.

I wish I had 3 monkeys: one to do my house chores, one to pay my bills, and the other to dress in tuxedo and be my dinner date.

04-04-2019, 03:33 AM
Granted. Things go well for the first week, but then conflict breaks out. None of the monkeys wants to pay bills or do chores. They all want to be your dinner date. They begin to fight. Bones are shattered, and blood pools on the floor. The cops come. The monkeys are taken away by the ASPCA, and you are hauled into court on a charge of cruelty to animals. Thanks to a good lawyer, you are sentenced to only 30 days in jail. It could have been worse. :roll:

I wish I could spend a week with the ancient Maya.

04-04-2019, 04:02 AM
Granted. Unfortunately for you it's the same week Coronado has chosen to visit. Now instead of witnessing the height of Mayan culture all the sights before you are mayhem and pillaging. Best find somewhere to hide before the conquistadors decide you might be a local despite your lack of knowledge of language and customs.

I wish all my house plants hadn't died.

04-05-2019, 04:01 AM
Granted. However, given that you unfortunately do not have a green thumb, you've found yourself having bought an unusual plant named "Audrey II" from a Chinese flower shop during a solar eclipse. It does well other than a need for human blood rather than Miracle Grow to survive. It grows voraciously while you sacrifice your own platelets, but keeping this plant fed is even more challenging and inconvenient than your aforementioned losses. Eventually, after a harrowing escape, you'll be relieved that you aren't that committed to house plants in the first place.

I wish Rembrandt had painted my portrait.

Norman Mjadwesch
04-06-2019, 06:38 AM
Granted. Unfortunately he did the portrait at the tender age of two and you look something more like what Picasso would have done.

I wish I liked cubist art.

04-07-2019, 09:11 AM
Granted. But now all you want is square things and you've thrown everything round out of your life. You really miss eggs and coffee beans and pizza and beer. Not to mention, it was much easier to get to work when you had a vehicle with wheels. The walk takes a while.

I wish I didn't have to make the grocery list tonight.

04-08-2019, 03:06 AM
Granted. You will now find that you lack paper or any method in which to make a grocery list. Instead you go to the grocery store hungry and end up buying cookies, chips, cereal with marshmallows, frozen pizza, a rotisserie chicken, garlic bread, and various other impulse buys. The rest of the week you'll end up eating spaghetti and Ramen noodles because you didn't get anything you really needed.

I wish cell phones weren't so expensive and the plans so confusing....

04-08-2019, 07:07 AM
Granted. *takes cell phone (*poof)... gone. Here's two cans and a length of string. At least there'll be no such thing as long-distance charges... (remember those? Before we worried about "roaming" charges?)

I wish I could control the weather...

Norman Mjadwesch
04-08-2019, 08:46 AM
Granted. Unfortunately you only like sunny days and hate rain, so the entire world is in the worst drought it has ever seen and everyone blames you because it's your fault.

I wish I was a flea.

04-09-2019, 07:46 AM
Granted... and welcome to the factories of SC Johnson; the manufacturers of RAID pesticide. I don't anticipate this going well for you.

I wish for honest politicians.

Norman Mjadwesch
04-09-2019, 08:05 AM
Granted. Now all of the things that they say they actually believe. However, there is still no cure for stupid.

I wish that living in the future didn't limit most of my AW live-time interactions with night owls in other countries.

04-09-2019, 08:15 AM
Granted. Time has now stopped. So, now that raises an entirely differe.....

I wish the ozone layer would repair itself, today.

Norman Mjadwesch
04-09-2019, 09:07 AM
Granted. Tomorrow the humans wreck it again.

I wish that respect was a reality more than it is an ideal.

04-09-2019, 03:31 PM
Granted. You now live in authoritarian North Korea where a show of respect is a reality you won't forget anytime soon.

I wish my 18 year old would stop acting dramatic and arguing with me over something and nothing all the time.

Norman Mjadwesch
04-09-2019, 04:28 PM
Granted. Your child has had a birthday and is now 19 and acting dramatic and arguing with you over something and nothing all of the time.

I wish that acting dramatic over something and nothing all of the time was not such a stark contrast to you sending me to live in authoritarian North Korea where my problems are truly dramatic.

04-09-2019, 05:17 PM
Granted. Society is now lining up to receive compulsory lobotomies.

I wish our school systems had never lowered the standards for passing grades.

04-09-2019, 06:41 PM
Granted. All schools have been replaced with Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry where highest standards are consistently met.

I wish the computer programs I need to work were actually working so that I could get some work done instead of loosing time on more entertaining, albeit less productive, pastimes.

Norman Mjadwesch
04-09-2019, 06:46 PM
Granted. Now the sole problem is your procrastination, and there is nowhere for you to hide.

I wish that my wishes came true with no strings attached.

04-10-2019, 02:44 AM
Granted. Your wishes will all come true. No strings attached... Unfortunately, Pinocchio was not prepared for this and now you're responsible for the untimely destruction of a childhood icon of millions. Hundreds of thousands of balloons have been released. All rugs and carpets disappear. Hot air balloon and dirigible passengers fall from the sky. Clothing is now a thing of the past and everyone either faces extreme sunburn or frostbite (depending on geographical location). Nudists cheer while general chaos ensues. Congratulations.

I wish I didn't tend to overlook my mistakes...

04-10-2019, 12:04 PM
Granted. Now you are continuously stressed about making mistakes. You use more time searching for them than actually doing something. You even see mistakes where there is none.

I wish I was perfect.

04-10-2019, 03:42 PM
Granted. "Was" being a term referring to past tense, you were perfect yesterday. Today you are the same person you were before your wish was granted. Hope you enjoyed it.

I wish to be unaffected by age and disease (without becoming a vampire, c'mon people!).

04-10-2019, 04:39 PM
Granted. And, to prove that Karma does in fact exist, you're unaffected by the ravages of aging and disease...but just for one day. Yesterday. So today by contrast you're feeling that much worse. Back to wrinkles, aches, pains and you better see the doctor about that thing you found.....

I wish someone could redo my kitchen in one day for free.

04-11-2019, 03:23 AM
Granted. It's certainly in the realm-of-the-possible that someone "could" redo your kitchen as specified, but your wish didn't include that someone "would"... Now I could be convinced to handle the first part and even bring chainsaw, wrecking bar and sledgehammer and it could certainly be done in less than a day, unless you insist on counting travel time to Pennsylvania. I can guarantee that your kitchen will look different, but expect that functionality will be 'sub-par'.

I wish I didn't kill every indoor plant I came in contact with.

Norman Mjadwesch
04-11-2019, 03:56 AM
Granted. You are banned from being indoors and now the outdoor plants are dying instead.

I wish that I could think of a wish that people wouldn't be able to solve so easily.

04-11-2019, 04:03 AM
Granted. You think of a wonderful, complicated, detailed wish that people can't solve easily. You are so proud of yourself that you write the wish down and text it to yourself. But something goes wrong (naturally), and the text is deleted. You can't remember it.

I wish I lived in a banana forest.

04-11-2019, 04:43 AM
Granted. (you sure about this....like really, really sure??) You now live in a tropical rain forest under a plethora of (herbaceous) banana plants where the average temp. is 80 degrees and annual rainfall of about 9'. You'll need to clear away jungle growth, irrigate during dry season, and pick the bananas at night for poverty wages. So, good luck with that.

I wish none of my laptops, computer or cell phones needed to be charged, so I wouldn't have to worry loosing the cords with mayhem following me throughout the course of my day.

(Boring I know, but true...)

Norman Mjadwesch
04-11-2019, 05:43 AM
Granted. You have been transported back in time and no such technology is needed. The only thing that gets charged now is you... by angry mammoths and woolly rhinos. Although, mayhem still follows you through the day, in the form of big cats with long teeth. (which also sorts out your 'boring' comment)

I wish my dumb car would stop overheating.

04-11-2019, 03:12 PM
Granted. Retrofitting your dumb car with state-of-the-art technology has now made it "smart". However, it still overheats but now it criticizes you for your continued neglect.

I wish I could temporarily suspend gravity at will.

04-11-2019, 10:02 PM
Granted. You may suspend gravity at will, but only once. Gravity is the glue binding this whole mess together and without it we'd be flung to the nether regions of the universe pretty quick. Thanks for that.

I wish that could talk to the Alexa about all of my problems and she'd help me find the solutions.

04-12-2019, 05:48 AM
Granted. The problem is that now Alexa identifies as a male and insists on being called "Alex". While Alex is more than willing to assist you with solutions, "his" lack of female perspective now makes those solutions unsatisfactory to you.

I wish my knees didn't hurt.

Norman Mjadwesch
04-12-2019, 09:38 AM
Granted. You have been punched in the head and now you aren't thinking about your knees at all.

I wish that my car hadn't head my previous wish and took objection by refusing to start this morning. FML.

04-12-2019, 04:53 PM
Granted. The "Smart" functions have been removed from your car. It can no longer process information. It also still will not start. Now, put some gas in your car...

I wish I had super-strength.

04-12-2019, 06:14 PM
Granted : Aything you touch wil explode under the pressure. I'd suggest avoiding contact with everything that doesn't need to be destroyed

I wish I had a box of Cheerios

04-12-2019, 08:15 PM
Granted. My Granpa liked to collect food on the expired shelf having grown up during the Great Depression. After he passed we found a freezer full of really old hot dogs and buns....and I'm pretty sure a a few boxes of Cheerios. They're all yours..postage included. (We'll throw in some hot dogs and buns as a bonus).

I wish that I were coordinated and patient enough to play golf.

04-13-2019, 05:08 AM
Granted. However, in the interests of expansion for our ever-growing population, all golf courses have been bulldozed to make room for apartment complexes and shopping malls. Perhaps there are still a few miniature (putt-putt) golf courses in existence. If I happen across any, I'll let you know.

I wish all my carpentry projects went together on site with no additional adjustments necessary.

04-13-2019, 03:54 PM
Granted! Wood no longer exist in the world, so you no longer have to worry about carpentry projects.

I wish for days to be never to hot or to cold. Just the perfect temperature for me.

04-13-2019, 04:59 PM
Granted. Now that there are few fluctuations in the weather, plants stop getting the seasonal messages they require as a signal for when to drop seeds. They cease to flower, causing pollinators to starve and die in massive numbers, with predictable results. Thanks for bringing us worldwide famine. Hope you're comfortable though.

I wish for a cure for cancer to be discovered and made economically available to the population.

04-14-2019, 02:32 AM
Denied ... it is already affordable to the populations of many upscale communities.

I wish I was more charitable

04-14-2019, 10:53 PM
Granted. You have now become the most charitable person imaginable. So much so that you've given away all of your possessions and financial security to those less fortunate. While it brings a great deal of satisfaction to extend such love and generosity to those who truly need it, when you're walking around in your britches because you literally 'gave the shirt off your back' you're wondering if perhaps everything in moderation might have made a bit more sense. Burrrrr....

I wish that not every nature I watch ends up with a dire warning that the planet is being destroyed and every creature they just showed will soon be extinct.

04-15-2019, 12:29 AM
Granted You have been transported to the Serengetti where it is not the animals around you who will soon be extinct.

I wish I has a square meal now that I have nothing else.

04-16-2019, 02:48 PM
Granted. Assuming your typo "has" was intended to be a "was", you are now a square meal for a rapidly approaching grizzly bear. If this assumption was made in error, I can only offer this advice.... Run.

I wish there weren't stigmas associated with most stereotypes.

04-17-2019, 01:08 PM
Granted! Now all stereotypes become a norm and conforming to one or more is mandatory. Originallity is seen as a mental illness. But don't worry, there is a huge amount of stereotypes to chose from.

I wish fashion no longer exist.

04-18-2019, 11:58 PM
Granted. Now that fashion no longer exists creative expression in the form of clothing has gone...*poof*...and everyone looks exactly the same. Practicality dictates that brown potato sacks are worn by all persons in addition to black shoes. It's a rather drab world of conformity filled with confused teenage girls and unemployed designers.

I wish I could have lunch with Eleanor Roosevelt.

04-19-2019, 05:44 AM
Granted. It took most of the day, but I've located a drag queen impersonator who answers to "Eleanor Roosevelt". (S)he is waiting outside your house and is expecting you to cover travel expenses. Enjoy your lunch.

I wish I had a time travel machine.

04-20-2019, 08:51 PM
Granted. You now have a time travel machine, unfortunately it came from the "Used/Preowned" section and has a fluky control panel. The faulty wiring seems stuck on 'historic plagues' which isn't ideal. But, if you're a history buff who wants to familiarize yourself on the prime-time bubonic, septicemic or pneumonic high-lights jump right in. Next time I'd suggest buying "New".

I wish I had a tree house.

04-21-2019, 02:52 PM
Granted. The Keebler Elves have now been tossed out on their pointy ears and their house is yours (and they took their cookies with them). You now are the proud owner of a tree house but the resulting mob of elf-loving cookie eaters have decided this is the final straw. :mob ... I'd suggest barring your doors and windows.

I wish for economical, effective and plentiful antibiotics now that ChloeRose's time machine has sent me on a tour of the worst plagues in the history of our world... (I was only trying to arrange her lunch date with Eleanor Roosevelt) - apparently no good deed goes unpunished.

04-23-2019, 12:07 AM
Granted! But recent research have been so focused on fighting new resistant bacteria, viruses have been ignored for years. New strains have appeared and they are decimating the human race. On the plus side, a working and precise time machine is ready for ChloeRose to go have a lunch with Eleanor Roosevelt (the real one). Maybe she will bring you with her however, this wish is not in my power to grant.

I wish for Desty Nova to be real and use Kinsman for his experiences.

04-23-2019, 05:27 PM
Granted. However, Desty Nova pales before the might and sheer ferocity of The Kinsman, and he now fetches my morning newspaper.

I wish someone would patch the holes in my driveway.

04-24-2019, 04:23 AM
Granted. Unfortunately you didn't say what you wanted your driveway patched with. All we have on hand is miracle grow and superglue which mixed altogether should make for a good substitute. Even if it's not a totally stable surface you'll have some lovely flowers growing out of your driveway.

I wish I could fluently speak and write French, Spanish, German and Italian.

04-24-2019, 05:00 AM
Granted. You can speak and write French, Spanish, German and Italian, all fluently. Of course, you can do this only on the night following Jelly Bean Day (April 22nd), if there happens to be a full moon.

I wish I were a Knight of the Round Table.

04-24-2019, 05:10 AM

You are now featured on the chess board of table three at Starbucks in Lima, Ohio

I which I could find my zipper collection

04-24-2019, 05:50 AM
Granted. :e2zipped: Now that's settled, you get to wear the zipper and allow the smiley to get back to what he does best.

I wish so many of my nails didn't have the heads on the wrong end.

04-24-2019, 05:46 PM
Denied ... but here is a hammer with a head on each end

I wish my gold fish would quit laying on his back not moving

04-25-2019, 06:03 AM
Granted. Now he's laying in your bed. On his side. Still not moving.

I wish someone (some fluency in Moose may be required) would clarify for PSB that the thread is titled, "Your wish is granted..."

04-25-2019, 10:59 AM
Denied! Only a moderator has the power to grant such a wish. However, I can still grant the wish denied by our preferred Moose. In fact, nails no longer exist. Even the word no longer exist in the dictionary.......oops, I think I made a great mistake granting that wish.

I wish for someone to undo what I have done.

04-25-2019, 04:43 PM
Granted. However to bring "Nails" back into existence there has to be a huge roll-out introduction covered in all medias. So for weeks now expect to hear about the great new discovery "Nails! And all of their handy features. The new wonder invention that holds material together!" You'll be wishing the news were all about politics again - not.

I wish that Poison Ivy didn't exist.

04-25-2019, 05:37 PM
denied. We don't mess with Mother nature's little tricks. Just think what might happen if you got her mad.

I wish I knew what just happened to my goldfish

04-25-2019, 07:34 PM
Denied. Yee denier of wishes shall hereto forth be doomed to a future full of pondering as to what may or may not have happened to thy (beloved?) pet/fish. It is an unfortunate twist of fate, however the Karma of Wish Denying has been brought down upon you with at full force with a mighty hammer in the hopes of your reforming your stingy wish-giving ways...or at least get used not having any of your wishes granted on the "YOUR WISH IS GRANTED" storyline.

I wish that someone who liked granting wishes would grant my wish of getting rid of poison ivy.

04-25-2019, 09:28 PM
Granted. You are rid of poison ivy now and forever! Unfortunately, you will soon be plagued by killer bees.

I wish I had a magic computer that would turn out masterpieces at the click of a couple of keys.

04-25-2019, 09:55 PM
Granted. However, your computer believes it belongs to someone else, so both credit and royalties for said masterpieces will be attributed to someone else.

I wish for women to be free of the curse of PMS (and thereby free all men from it's side-effects).

04-26-2019, 12:42 PM
Granted. You have been transported in an alternate reality where everyone is a hermaphrodite. However, they consider you to be affected by a strange genetic disease assorted with a grave mental disorder. Don't worry, they'll cure you soon enough.

I wish men and women could understand each other.

04-26-2019, 06:32 PM
much as I hate to and as much as Chloe hates me to DENIED!!! I'm way to old to adjust to such a thing and don't want to imagine the rest of mankind still approaching my age would be freed from experiences like mine.

I wish I could find it in my heart to grant wishes

04-26-2019, 08:59 PM
The International Commission of Genies has concluded that there is no room in your heart for granting wishes or for good deeds of any sort. Nevertheless, that ICG has GRANTED your wish--knowing that it is basically a symbolic grant and won't do any good to you or anyone else. (Some members suggest that you should repent, but we shall leave that to another organization.)

I wish I could do amazing tricks with a yo-yo.

04-26-2019, 11:11 PM
Granted ... you are now a yoyo swallower

I wish I had denied that.

04-27-2019, 12:43 AM
Denied. You participated in this thread appropriately and 'Granted a Wish', so therefore I have no option but to veto your strangely arbitrary wish-take-back request. Your Wish Giving Karma Payback is now fully replenished so go forth friend and grant wishes amusing in their satire, as one would hope they continue to be.

I wish I were hungry enough to take advantage of an all-you-can eat pancake breakfast and not suffer any negative repercussions.

04-27-2019, 10:58 PM
Okay, you eat all the pancakes and suffer no negative repercussions. That car accident you got into later in the day has no relation to pancakes or hunger.

I wish for cds of all the music I love to listen to.

Norman Mjadwesch
04-28-2019, 04:09 AM
Granted. Unfortunately your CD player is broken and you are unable to replace it.

I wish my dog would limit himself to eating cow poo instead of rolling in it.

04-28-2019, 06:54 AM
Granted. However you have been rendered immobile and can no longer resist him as he repeatedly licks your face immediately after savoring every aromatic pile.

I wish my dentist had steadier hands.

04-28-2019, 11:56 PM
Granted: His hands become much steadier as he removes money from your wallet .... but it's onlt temporary

I wish I had some beef noodle yogurt.

04-29-2019, 06:34 AM
Granted. I sincerely hope you hadn't planned on eating it, however, as you've recently been diagnosed with the obscure beef noodle yogurt allergy. It's actually quite a unique case. Researchers are standing by to poke and prod with all nature of implements.

I wish I could sense when danger approaches.

04-29-2019, 07:51 AM
Granted. You now have what is otherwise known as "Spidey Senses" and incur an itching or tingling sensation whenever danger ensues. Unfortunately it is inappropriately effective irrespective of the circumstances. Whether it's almost dropping something on your toes, getting overcharged for something at the cash register, or god-forbid a car accident, the itching and tingling is pretty much constant and on alert. Not an ideal Superhero superpower. You may have wanted to wish for x-ray vision or something.

I wish I could watch all of the fish at the bottom of the ocean...including the crazy ones with scary overbites and glowing fluorescent antennas.

04-29-2019, 08:08 PM
denied. to grant it would violate several privacy acts and subject you to severe scrutiny for seeking out fish pron. You don't want that.

I wich I had a nice plate of fish and chips

04-29-2019, 09:13 PM
Granted. Unfortunately since you work the fryer you'll have to pass the fish and chips along to the people who paid for it. Maybe there will be some scraps left at the bottom of the basket following your 10 hour shift...one can but hope.

I wish it were a law that every home owner had to plant a tree in their yard...and an extra one for any tree they cut down.

04-30-2019, 07:30 AM
Granted. Now apartment buildings, tenements, and condominiums are being outlawed and bulldozed due to noncompliance with home ownership tree planting legal requirements. Homeless shelters and hostels are overrun and the homeless population skyrockets. So many people living in such close proximity in substandard conditions cause resurgences of diseases that had been thought to have been eradicated. Society looks on as crime rises to never-before-seen levels as the recently homeless are unable to consolidate their belongings behind protective walls. The world has a few more trees though... thanks for that.

I wish common sense actually was common.

04-30-2019, 05:26 PM
denied All the time spent watching bloopers on TV might be spent on something that makes the world a better place and who could wish for that?

I wish the world was a better place

04-30-2019, 05:35 PM
Granted. As the world is composed of thoughts and feelings we extend to others you have now made the world a better place simply by your wishing it to be.

I wish the birds would stop eating my wildflower seeds.

04-30-2019, 06:09 PM
Granted. Here is a shotgun and a few boxes of ammo

I wish I had a few

05-01-2019, 02:48 AM
Granted. Your "few" will be arriving within the week. Postage due, of course.

I still wish common sense was common...
I am persistent, even at the expense of all else

05-01-2019, 06:33 AM
Granted. Common sense is now common....life minus funny animal videos, 'large' popcorn at the movies, cartoons, Ben and Jerry's (all flavors), video games, Halloween and marriage. Huh, I'd miss the ice cream.

I wish Ben and Jerry's would make the flavor I'd submitted....swirled chocolate fudge, in milk chocolate and vanilla ice cream, with chunks of chocolate sponge cake. Plus chopped pecans.

05-01-2019, 06:46 AM
Granted. Welcome to the first day of your lactose intolerance & nut allergy.

I wish someone could adequately explain the value of having scented toilet paper.

05-01-2019, 02:27 PM
The after-sales service of Wish-Granter has noticed a number of denied wishes despite the policy of this thread. Previously denied wishes will be granted.

I wish I could watch all of the fish at the bottom of the ocean...including the crazy ones with scary overbites and glowing fluorescent antennas.

Granted! Every night, while you sleep, you can send your spirit to explore the deepest parts of the sea. However, you feel a dreadful presence stalking you. One night when you feel it dangerously close, you are drawn to the city of r'lyeh. Good luck!

I wish common sense actually was common.

Granted! Common sense is now common among sane people since sanity is required for it. However, there is no sanity in this world. Only the thousand faces of madness.

Now we go through the latest asked wish:

Granted! But you will be the one explaining it in a 2 hours long documentary every channel in the world will diffuse. You ridiculise yourself so much with this, your family disown you.

I wish all moose would disappear from the world and this thread.

05-02-2019, 05:05 AM
Denied .... hey right here!!! right here!!! heheheh

I wish I had friends

- - - Updated - - -

... By the way ... look out your window

05-02-2019, 05:14 AM
Granted. You now have friends... dang, they were just here a minute ago... Looks like you'll need to spend another wish to keep them.

I wish to receive no more unsolicited sales call.

05-02-2019, 04:21 PM
Granted. You have no longer have access to phones of any kind. Better get the quill, ink and parchment in place.

I wish that I could make a "Journey to the Center of the Earth" (a great bad movie).

05-02-2019, 08:11 PM
Granted. But the point seems moot. You "could" and "can", it's simply a matter of finding and securing adequate financial backing, arranging the filming location(s), hiring cast and crew, purchasing/renting the equipment, not to mention studio time, and marketing directors, (the list continues, but first things first) #1 - a camp chair that says "Director", oh yes, you'll need a chair... I'll get right on that!

I wish I had an umbrella that didn't get tugged by the wind.

05-03-2019, 04:27 AM
Granted You now have a rusty umbrella the will not open.

I wish I hadn't named all the sardines in the can. It is mildly difficult to eat your friends.

05-03-2019, 05:37 AM
Granted. A spell of short term amnesia will address both issues. You won't remember that you've named your sardines, nor will you recall that they were your friends... Now, ahem... about your breath...

I wish Wile E. Coyote would finally catch the Roadrunner.

05-03-2019, 07:54 AM
Granted. But that is the end of the series, and Acme will go bankrupt, and that will mean the end of Warner cartoons. No more Bugs, no more Daffy, no more Elmer Fudd. Everyone will blame you, and you'll run for your life. (Watch out for that cliff!)

I wish my knee didn't hurt.

05-03-2019, 04:50 PM
Denied ... I love to hear your groans of pain. You sound so believable.

I wish peaches would find her deoderant so she didn't smell so ripe.

05-03-2019, 07:18 PM
Wait, wait, wait I'll grant his wish!! (that's what makes this thread amusing)

You wish your knee didn't hurt Nymtoc, OK, but it seems you only forgot all about the pain in your knee following your visit to the all-you-can eat seafood buffet the day after a power-outage. Did you not know seafood isn't so resilient...we'll ask you when your face is a little less green.

And Moose, peaches are already ripe, so wait a while and it'll just go bad (I imagine that's a pet, but the same still applies).

I wish with all my heart that my job didn't involve so much paperwork....

Norman Mjadwesch
05-04-2019, 04:09 AM
Granted. Civilisation has been bombed back to the stone age and now your job is to figure out how to survive until tomorrow. Which will also be tomorrow's job, and the day after that, and so on until you fail.

I wish that I had discovered earlier than yesterday that gravy on Easter eggs was delish (not even making that up).

05-04-2019, 04:56 AM
Granted. You've been transported to the day before yesterday and somehow made the (horrifying to the rest of us) discovery that gravy on Easter eggs is 'delish'. Problem is, now we're aware that's the kind of thing you eat and will never again want hear, or read, your recommendations on food pairings. Ever.

I wish I could un-know that food 'delicacy' Norman discovered and reported back to the group.

05-04-2019, 10:08 AM
Granted. Though difficult... It's tough enough to 'un-see' something, but to un-know... (*cracks knuckles) Here goes, your house is transported to the west edge of the San Andreas fault, the Snake River has been rerouted westward and the resulting deluge along the fault line causes massive destabilization. As a result, we lose California and a fair chunk of Nevada, along with your newly relocated residence. You, however, manage to save your collection of stuffed animals and float away on a swimming pool raft. One of the stuffed animals (feline) had been recalled several years earlier (but you'd decided to keep it since it was much too cute to send back) due to having actual claws, which now unfortunately puncture your raft. As you tread water you realize you feel a sensation akin to having a school of guppies in your shorts (guppies, right... that's optimism for you). ...Ok, that ought to about do it... *Whew... now with all that said, I hope you had a Happy Easter! :thankyou:

I wish I had a better understanding of quantum mechanics.

05-04-2019, 12:06 PM
Granted! You had a better understanding in one of your past lives. So, to grant that wish, I will let you remember all your past incarnations. This lead to a mental break up and you no longer understand who you are. You also understand that time doesn't exist.

I wish I can play games I played before like it is the first time (except for Dark Souls, don't put me through that hell again).

05-05-2019, 01:27 AM
Granted along with your wish comes an overwhelming fear of trying anything new.

I wish that eggs whites were in center of the egg surrounded by yolk

05-06-2019, 11:46 AM
Granted! A recent mutation made all eggs with white in the center surrounded by yolk. As a result, all oviparous species are doomed to disappear in a short while (not certain if it will affect insects and fishes, to be verified). No more fried chickens for you.

I wish rabbits were carnivorous...and lived in caverns to.

05-06-2019, 04:05 PM
Granted! Rabbits are now carnivorous and live in caverns. Let's also give them some fangs to insure easy access to prey. The downside is that like all roaming meateaters they're on the move, very hungry, and you live in their stalking local. Better put that hammock into storage.

I wish that there were a way to know when fruit and vegetables were at their perfect ripeness (ie; peaches, avocados, bananas) so that food never went bad before you could eat it.

Drachen Jager
05-07-2019, 01:36 AM
Bananas now turn yellow when they are ripe, and develop spots when they're overripe. Most fruits and veggies now turn their brightest colour as they are most ripe. Likewise they emit the most appealing odours when they are ripest.
I have, however, taken the opportunity to poison one in a million fruits and vegetables with a deadly neurotoxin that kills within seconds, just to keep things interesting.

I wish everyone was forced to watch Monty Python and the Holy Grail so they'll get the references.

05-07-2019, 02:06 AM
Denied. There is already enough evil in the world.

I wish all the thitgs that lay the eggs I wished for would give live birth. (Would that beasier or harder for a chicken?)

Drachen Jager
05-07-2019, 02:52 AM
Every thitg on Earth now gives live birth. I have no idea what that has to do with chickens.

I wish for a million dollars and a unicorn.

05-07-2019, 03:49 AM
Granted. A million dollars with your name on it has been hidden somewhere in Asia. All you have to do is find it. As for a unicorn, you've already got one.

I wish people wouldn't call me names.

Drachen Jager
05-07-2019, 05:23 AM
[Redacted] is now in the witness protection program. It is now illegal for anyone to refer to [Redacted] by name, nickname, age, religion, race, gender or pronoun. Anyone caught acknowledging the existence of [Redacted] will be immediately put to death by Snu Snu.

I wish I could reverse the aging process whenever I wanted.

05-07-2019, 08:20 AM
Granted. You can now reverse the aging process with a snap of your fingers. However, the resultant nerve damage caused by the granting of this wish has rendered your fingers completely useless. Finding a decent ghostwriter should be an easy task.

I wish [Redacted] had Snu Snu on a shorter leash.

Drachen Jager
05-07-2019, 09:05 AM
Snu Snu is on a leash. Due to the reality-bending nature of putting a physical restraint on a ritual punishment the Universe bends, tears, and nearly shatters into its composite nano-particles, at the last second, the Universal energy discovers the shortest path to solve the paradox and simply erases you and every bit of evidence you ever existed.

I wish more people would get my oblique references to pop culture.

05-07-2019, 03:41 PM
Granted! But they live in an alternate reality I just created (You shouldn't have granted the wish of the Moose, after I granted his wish about eggs and planned a mass extinction).

I wish to know how to recognize a witch.

05-07-2019, 06:02 PM
Granted. You now know how to recognize a witch the old fashioned way ie: if she has a lot of pets, is still single, stopped going to church, and you've observed her for moles. The bad news is you find you find out this is all pretty cool and end up hanging out. Good luck getting out of chores or making future social plans.

I wish I were as Shakespearean actor living in the UK.

Drachen Jager
05-07-2019, 06:48 PM
You are a Shakespearean actor in the year 1612. 30% of children around you die before the age of 15 from a mixture of dysentery, scarlet fever, whooping cough, influenza, smallpox, and pneumonia (and it's nearly as bad for adults). People literally throw their chamber pots in the street in the morning. Coffee, chocolate, sugar, and really all of life's little luxuries we take for granted in our era are priced way out of reach for a struggling actor.

I wish I could solve global warming.

05-07-2019, 09:54 PM
Granted. Unfortunately, all the fossil-fuel industries in the world are greatly alarmed and launch a campaign to silence you. In addition, a certain (name redacted) government declares you a menace to democracy and calls on its secret thugs to put an end to you--permanently.

I wish people weren't such suckers for every "miracle" cure advertised on TV.

05-08-2019, 02:06 AM
Granted. "Miracle" products advertised on TV have now been exposed for what they are by an ever-vigilant Ralph Nader wanna be. Gone are the hopes of a cure for every person with wrinkles, belly fat, and, um, male age-related 'disappointments'. These desperate consumers will now crowd the stores advertising "miracle" cures instead. Be ready to wait in some really long lines next grocery trip. Really long. I mean, super, really, shoot-me-now, long...barring some miracle that is.

I wish that Santa and his Elves really lived in the North Pole and delivered presents from a sleigh on Christmas (spoiler alert)...

Drachen Jager
05-08-2019, 02:37 AM
I've also taken the liberty of creating Krampus, and Santa's standards really are impossibly high for kids these days.... Enjoy the screams on Christmas Eve.

I wish everyone from Pennsylvania would talk with a Boris Karloff Transylvanian accent and use vampire cliches like "I van to drink your blood!" all the time.

05-08-2019, 04:00 AM
Granted Anything is better than the way they talk now

I wish I had a turnpike

05-08-2019, 06:34 AM
Granted. Unfortunately your turnpike runs right through the middle of Pennsylvania, your car breaks down, and you end up at an "all-philly" style diner eating scrapple (look it up...a local delicacy) and drinking bad coffee. "Whatcho guys waaaant?"....for dessert. Tastycakes I imagine. Fresh out of the box.

I wish that movie theaters had to play classic black and white movies every weekend for those who are interested in that sort of thing.

Drachen Jager
05-08-2019, 09:30 AM
Three Stooges marathons forever!

I wish Hollywood would just make better movies now.

05-08-2019, 11:11 AM
Granted! Hollywood has been bought buy the korean film industry. You'll no longer see super hero movies, even the good ones (they may be some). They now use it to better sell their own movies. You will never see again Johnny Depp or Keanu Reeves. Quentin Tarantino will no longer make movies. Every white actors, scenarists, filmmakers, good or bad, will never be seen again. There are some you like, don't you?

I wish swallows could transport coconuts (this one is for you Drachen Jager).

05-08-2019, 04:53 PM
Granted. But now swallows have become so competitive that the European swallows and African swallows have battled themselves into extinction. (to expand on the reference)

I wish for all practical jokes to backfire, except mine.

05-09-2019, 01:47 AM
Granted ... they make better movies than Philly does but don't make Cheesesteaks or soft pretzels nearly as well.

I wish they could make a good hogie up here in Maine

05-09-2019, 01:50 AM
ignore the post I can't seem to delete while I deny the wish from Kinsman. His practiclal jokes are so weak you couldn't tell if they did backfire.

I wish I kew what

Drachen Jager
05-09-2019, 03:31 AM
You now know what.
Sadly your senile brain can no longer grasp, who, where, why, or when. Many other words also elude you in both meaning and correct spelling. I have retroactively applied your new disability to all your previous posts.
Have a nice day!

I wish I could travel through time and meet historic personalities.

Norman Mjadwesch
05-09-2019, 03:37 AM
Granted. Please allow me to introduce to you the one and only Genghis Khan. Have a nice day.

I wish that I had coloured poo as pretty as that unicorn's.

05-09-2019, 05:51 AM
Granted. And true to form (and history) your dog eats it and rolls in it, inevitably transferring the colors to you... Not sure what it'll take to remove the stains... maybe steel wool and Ajax. Pastels are "in" now, right?

I also wish PSB knew what...

05-09-2019, 07:14 AM
Granted 3:17 AM

I sure I wish I had that hoagie I forgot to wish for

05-09-2019, 11:26 AM
Granted! But it has been waiting for you for so long it's no longer edible. Unless you are a carrion-eater.

I wish I had an idea for wish.

05-09-2019, 04:23 PM
Granted. You've finally thought of a witty and amusing wish which will be challenging to grant. However, responsibility for granting this wish will be taken up by a Moose whose response in arbitrarily not granting it will annoy you thoroughly. Better luck next time.

I wish everything that tasted good didn't have so many calories so that I'd be able to eat it guilt-free.

05-09-2019, 05:12 PM
As to the assigned wish ... Denied ... if you had any idea (or clue) you'd probably act upon it which, with yout track record, would not be beneficial to you or the world

As to Rosie's wish ... Granted ... I can't change the caloric value (or harm) of great food so you are scheduled for guiltectomy at the Kevorkian Clinic on Monday.

I wish my

05-10-2019, 01:26 AM

I wish I had Dr Doolittle's ability to converse with animals.

05-10-2019, 03:41 AM
Granted. But you can converse with only one species: Mephitis mephitis (skunk).

I wish I could hear sounds in very high frequencies, like a dog.

05-10-2019, 05:35 AM
Denied. That would be stupid. Dogs don't bark in high frequencies.

I wish I could finish my 24th milkshake but it tastes just like all the others.

05-10-2019, 11:31 AM
Granted! You no longer remember the taste of the 23 previous milkshakes nor having drinking them. However, your stomach feels strange and you may want to rush to the bathroom (I locked the door and hid the key somewhere).

I wish to have moose for lunch.

05-10-2019, 05:33 PM
Denied. He is alreasy having lunch with Mark Twain, Leonaro DaVinci and Dean Koontz. There may be a opening in his schedule in August 2020. Check back.

I wish all my sandwiches weren't square.

05-11-2019, 01:01 AM
Granted. The new and very popular McMoose sandwich, on a round seasame bun, with or without cheese, is now available nationwide.

I wish I lived next door to an Amish family so that I could go over every weekend and ask to borrow power tools only to shake my head and say "oh that's right, you like to do things the hard way".

05-11-2019, 03:19 AM
Granted. Though now that you live next to them, an obscure but undeniable law pertaining to ownership of your new property proclaims that you are now married to the Elder of the family and must conform to their beliefs. Enjoy your bonnet and wringer washer. Oh, and mind where you step.. there used to be an outhouse over there (or was it over there?)...

I wish the Law of Gravity was a personal option.

05-11-2019, 03:26 AM
Granted. You cancel your personal gravity and shoot off into space. Good luck in a distant black hole.

I wish I could live on nothing but strawberry-cheesecake ice cream.

05-11-2019, 04:46 AM
Granted: The foundation of your new house is frozen cheesecake. Stay cool.

I wish I had a thrinkinkul filter

05-11-2019, 07:18 PM
Granted. You now have a thrinkinkul filter, however you'll find that regular tap thrinkinkul was just fine, so you'll have wasted your money (ie wish).

I wish there were a biker gang of monkeys who would throw bananas peels in front of passing cars.

05-12-2019, 06:27 AM
Granted. The aforementioned biker gang has now camped out in your driveway and have been harassing motorists non-stop for days. Camera Crews and Lookie-Loo's now line the streets. Passing motorists and your HOA are now assembling a class action suit against your (your wish/your monkeys/said activity occurred from your property). Hope your property liability and comprehensive insurance is current. The tow trucks that came in to clear the resultant wreckage have also been victimized. Expect a visit from local law enforcement for obstructing/impeding traffic and reckless endangerment. Word of warning - don't go outside. When the monkeys run out of banana peels to fling, poo isn't far behind (pun intended).

I wish Nymtoc hadn't assumed that I would choose to ignore gravity.

05-12-2019, 06:48 AM
Granted. Nymtoc assumed nothing about you. He merely gave your name to the proper authorities.

I wish I could drive a car hands-free, just by thinking.

05-13-2019, 04:21 AM
Absolutely denied: Take a gander backward on the thred to see how you think. We can't afford that sort of carnage on the roads, or often often of them if the past holds influence on the future.

I wish we all read history ... and her story too ... and gave up hopeless hope of a bright future so I could buy lots of houses real cheap.

05-13-2019, 04:39 AM
Denied. History demonstrates that society ultimately progresses in a forward direction, but when Nymtoc finds himself speeding through what is labeled a "MOOSE CROSSING" in his hands-free car propelled by his thoughts house prices will actually have increased in response so it's irrelevant.

I wish that people planted wildflowers and shrubs instead of big lawns of grass.

05-13-2019, 04:48 PM
Denied: I'd like to grant it but there are 5362 pot smokers with guns aimed at my head. Maybe you'd like to rephrase your wish.

I wish everyone understood me

05-13-2019, 05:14 PM
Denied. The mental capacity neccesary for the task is not available to the average person. (This may or may not be flattering – either the complexity of your superior mind is beyond the grasp of most mortals, or your stupidity too deep for anyone but the most advanced of neurological experts to fathom. Any further explanation of the reasoning behind this denial is denied)

I wish someone would lend me an invisibility cloak.

05-13-2019, 06:10 PM
Granted, but you can't put it on, you may just hold on to it.

I wish I could read minds.

05-14-2019, 02:12 PM
Granted! But you now have agoraphobia. You can't stand being in crowded places where you can't help but hear all the thoughts of people in addition to the noises they made. It gives you terrible headache and drive you to the brink of madness. Also, you discover your multiple personalities and they all have something to say.

I wish to know the question behind the answer to life, the universe and everything else.

05-14-2019, 04:16 PM
Granted. But you already know the question. Next time you may want to wish you knew the answer(s) instead.

I wish I knew why the frequency of allergies and autoimmune conditions has increased so drastically.

05-14-2019, 04:39 PM
Granted. But you already know the question. Next time you may want to wish you knew the answer(s) instead.

I wish I knew why the frequency of allergies and autoimmune conditions has increased so drastically.

I know the answer. It's 42.

05-15-2019, 04:32 AM
I wish Azdaphel had a wish. :Shrug:

05-15-2019, 11:45 AM
I wish Azdaphel had a wish. :Shrug:

I didn't grant the wish of chloerose, just pointed out something.

I let someone else grant her wish.

05-15-2019, 04:38 PM
Granted Azdaphel. I ran out of time yesterday to come back to the significance of "42", (as I am older, female and somewhat out of touch), but now that I have your wish will be granted. Deep Thought the supercomputer has agreed to share this wealth of knowledge, unfortunately it short-circuited it's power-source before it could finish processing the questions. The only one we have now is "sandwich?" It could either be a lunch order or something more significant, I've not read the book.

I guess my wish is still to know why the frequency of allergies and autoimmune conditions has increased so drastically....but I have a bit of wish-requesting buyers remorse. Instead if someone wants to grant me webbed Spider Man arms so I could take off from the ground whenever I wanted that would be helpful. I'm not a doctor afterall.

05-15-2019, 07:58 PM
Granted you now have spider man arms. Did you also want hands?

I wish I knew what that stuff in the bottom of the freezer is.

05-15-2019, 10:32 PM
Preparing to grant, but...are you SURE you want to know?

I wish I had a bowl of chili topped with whipped cream and a cherry.

05-16-2019, 11:10 AM
Denied. Cherries with chili are disgusting. You'll get a strawberry instead.

I wish someone would do my laundry today.

05-16-2019, 12:35 PM
Granted! He comes with gasoline and matches... and also dynamites. You no longer have laundry to do but you need to buy new clothes. But don't worry, the Joker will teach you the fine art of robbery.

I wish I have Windows 10 installed in my head. (I know, I'm not sane)

05-17-2019, 06:39 PM
Granted .. I'm pretty sure you meant windows 10 so now your eyes are touch screen.

I wished I had a nice bowl of Scotch Broth to feed the neighbor's brat.

05-18-2019, 11:11 AM
Granted! The neighbour's brat loved it and asked for more, or he will prank you for the rest of your life. Unfortunately, you only asked for one.

I wish to be transported in time to the date of June the 20, year 2019 and play the game I have been waited for so long.

05-20-2019, 03:47 AM
Granted. Welcome to the game you've been waiting for, as well as the disappoint of a life event that won't live up to your hopes and expectations. Plenty more to come. (My son is a gamer... he's had that a lot.)

I wish Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs had their own reality show...I really do.

05-20-2019, 06:27 AM
Granted. Hidden cameras were installed but since this is a family-friendly site there will be no distribution of footage or further discussion on the subject matter. Consider the topic closed.

I wish some non-irritating insect would fill the mosquito's niche in the great food chain.

05-20-2019, 10:02 PM
Granted. Mosquitos have been replaced by elephant-size insects known as Mammothquitos. They are flying everywhere now, and while they are non-irritating, they will soon displace all other life forms on earth--including you.

I wish I could understand cosmology.

05-21-2019, 03:38 AM
Denied ... Even I don't know Cosmo all that well (I didn't even know his last name until you made your inane wish) and I doubt it is worth the trouble. If you insist on my granting your wish I'll send you to language school where you can learn to communicate with him while building a huge student debt.

I wish I could ford the creek successfully

05-21-2019, 04:25 PM
Granted! You have been changed into a bridge made of wood... or stones if you are not a witch.

I wish I knew why.

05-23-2019, 07:59 AM
Granted. However the flurry of related information has caused you to forget the question and you're left with only the vague notion that a witch weighs the same as a duck.

I wish I didn't feel compelled to test the validity of a "Wet Paint" sign.

05-23-2019, 11:58 PM
Granted. You don't feel compelled to test the validity of a "Wet Paint" sign. Instead, you test the validity of a "No Swimming" sign and become lunch for a shark.

I wish I had nine lives, like a cat.

05-24-2019, 04:14 AM
Granted. Through an unforeseen and unpredictable sequence of events you expend 8 lives in five minutes. The sudden loss leaves you agoraphobic and inexplicably fearful of spaghetti and the adhesive on the back of postage stamps.

I wish I would win a lifetime supply of chocolate cookies.

05-24-2019, 10:28 AM
Granted. The next day you develop a life-threatening allergy to chocolate. A single chocolate chip will send you to your grave.

I wish mosquitoes no longer existed.

05-24-2019, 04:49 PM
Granted. You've just invented a deadly toxin used to wipe out this menace. However it's also poisoned our water supply, depleted many species of fish and birds that depend on mosquitoes for food, increased the rate of cancer occurrences, and overall hastened destruction caused by climate change. You should fit in with the current administration..I'd suggest applying to be the head of EPA. You're a shoe-in.

I wish that writing with pen, ink and quill were more common since calligraphy is such a beautiful art form.