View Full Version : Your wish is granted...

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02-08-2019, 10:29 AM
Granted, but all they do is wish for more wishes.

I wish I could put my dog's brain in the body of a crocodile...

02-09-2019, 02:21 AM
Granted. But what used to be a playful nip on your leg is now like a scene from a horror movie. :e2chain:

I wish I could travel anywhere in the world without paying.

02-11-2019, 02:18 AM
You can but you've been transformed into an airplane wheel.

I wish I could move ridiculously heavy objects without straining my back.

02-11-2019, 05:27 AM
....your wish is granted, but the heavy items must be ridiculous, such as an ice cream truck on top of an elephant.

I wish I were athletic enough to do any sport I wanted...

02-13-2019, 10:46 AM
Granted! But your wish seems odd considering the only sport you want to do is cup-stacking.

I wish I owned an ice cream truck.

02-15-2019, 06:39 PM
....your wish is granted, but given that you live in Norway I'm not sure how much good it's going to do you.

I wish that I could go back to college and earn a higher degree without paying for it.

02-15-2019, 09:09 PM
Granted. You are hereby granted a scholarship to Trump University, where you...oh, hell, the Feds shut it down.

I wish I had a butler robot.

M.S. Wiggins
02-17-2019, 01:43 AM
Granted. Your butlernot just welcomed the POTUS into your home. Have fun entertaining him.

I wish I was a fly on Nymtoc’s wall.

02-17-2019, 07:05 AM
Granted. But be aware that Nymtoc won first prize at the annual Fly-Swatting Contest last year. :snoopy:

I wish I could visit ancient Rome for a day.

02-17-2019, 07:27 AM
Granted! The twelve-feet tall, three-hundred pound housefly known as ‘Rome’ is waiting for you at the dumpster behind your local supermarket. Rome has been meaning to talk to about your Fly-Swatting habits and how you’ve been telling everyone he’s ancient. He’s really looking forward to your visit.

I wish Nymtoc had a huge can of Raid Bug Spray.

02-18-2019, 11:25 PM
Granted, but you know what? It's empty.

I wish to not be Nymtoc.

02-19-2019, 12:54 AM
Granted. You are not now and never have been and never will be Nymtoc. (That was an easy one! :banana:)

I wish I could write a novel in one day.

M.S. Wiggins
02-20-2019, 02:54 AM
Granted, but it's a Groundhog-Day style granting. (You have to get it write/right first before you can move on Nymtoc-Murray.) ;)

Wish I could edit a novel in one day.

02-22-2019, 08:23 AM
Granted, but it will be Worlds of Power: Metal Gear described as possibly the worst book ever written: review "This must have been a secret plot by ..to destroy any interest in reading.. so bad it might cause your brain to forget how to read in self-defense."

I wish I could fly to Paris in an hour to dine at the Eiffel Tower Restaurant during the springtime.

02-23-2019, 11:45 PM
Okay, but given that your location is Pennsylvania, the only way you could make it to Paris in an hour is by traveling with an SR-71, a retired military vehicle. You are arrested immediately after lunch for theft and parking the SR-71 in the middle of Paris' busiest road.

I wish to walk in lollipop land.

02-27-2019, 11:23 AM
Granted! You are a eight-inch tall pink ball of cuteness known as Kirby. Look out for the tanks. Good luck with the boss fight on stage 6.

I wish I had an Atari 2600.

02-27-2019, 07:10 PM
Granted! But in order to play the Atari 2600 you'll have to dress in clothes fashionable at the time which include parachute pants, a skinny neck tie, a Hawaiian shirt and puff your hair up as high as it will go with gel and hairspray.

I wish I could wake up and find my old, rusty, gas guzzling, bench seat, 2 door, V8, 1969 Chevy Nova coupe, waiting for me in the driveway.

02-27-2019, 09:47 PM
Granted. But be careful not stomping on it, it's just a scale model. The original was so rusty, it fell apart.

I wish I could replay games I have played like it was the first time.

03-02-2019, 03:46 AM
Granted: From now on you play every game like it was the first time. Everything you learned the last, first time is erased from from your memory. In a Sisyphean nightmare you repeat the same mistakes, and the game quickly ends in the same abrupt manner.

I wish I would spend more time writing and not be so easily distracted.

03-02-2019, 07:31 AM
Granted: You are now alone on a small island. You know the satellite (your only chance) passes overhead... right around high tide. You spend all day every day writing....HELP.

I wish I had the power. All the power.

03-02-2019, 10:49 AM
Granted! You're Snap! Unfortunately that means your life is also "getting kinda hectic". (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_BRv9wGf5pk).

I wish I had a microphone.

03-02-2019, 11:02 AM
Granted! You are now the cord to which it's attached. Hope no one trips!

I wish I could see across the entire universe.

03-06-2019, 05:56 AM
Granted. But the trade off is you're farsighted. Which for you now means if you want to read a menu you'll need arms that reach to the moon. (try the burger. it's good and before long it'll cost a fortune in taxes)

Hmm. I wish I had the best burger in the world.

Norman Mjadwesch
03-07-2019, 07:16 AM
Granted, but it is so damned good looking that you are unable to ruin it by eating it.

I wish I had a pet hippopotamus with five legs.

03-07-2019, 04:46 PM
Your wish is granted, but he'll make a raucous noise, trample your backgarden, and you'll need an industrial strength leash to walk around the neighborhood while people stare at you anywhere you go (did I mention you'll have to clean up after him?)

I wish I owned a bakery and could eat all of the cookies, brownies and cakes I wanted without ever gaining weight....

Kenneth Keltarin
03-07-2019, 08:14 PM
Granted. You are a two-dimensional cartoon character capable of swallowing anything though you'll never make it to that third dimension. Watch out for stiff breezes and a high-pitched Christopher Lloyd.

I wish all this snow would stop falling, it's nearly spring...

03-08-2019, 12:24 AM
Granted. The snow has stopped falling, and the temperature has risen to 136 degrees F. (Global warming. :snoopy:)

I wish I didn't have a dental appointment this afternoon.

Norman Mjadwesch
03-08-2019, 03:40 AM
Granted. You are in a morgue awaiting autopsy.

I wish I had milk to put on my cereal.

03-08-2019, 09:20 AM
Granted! Your cereal bowl is full of mushroom milk fresh squeezed... er, squashed... juiced from the fungus. Yum!

I wish I had a box of Cap'n Crunch to go with my bowl of cow milk.

Norman Mjadwesch
03-08-2019, 05:35 PM
Granted. Your Cap'n Crunch is full of weevils and the cows milk has curdled. Enjoy the biodiversity!

I wish people would stop being silly with their wish solutions on this thread.

03-08-2019, 06:46 PM
Granted. From now on when you attempt to access this site will be redirected to "Mathematics Stack Exchange" with forum questions such as:
"If E is splitting field of f(x) and we denote degree of fi(x) by di , then Gal(E/F)≤Sd1×Sd2×Sd3× ... ×Sdn (Gal(E/F) is Galois group of f(x) and Sn is permutation group of n)
My Question: Is this collect?"
... you will fine nothing of silly amusement from here to the foreseeable future. Enjoy!!

I wish that I had a personal chef to here create perfectly prepared, healthy and delicious meals 24 hours a day.

Norman Mjadwesch
03-09-2019, 01:57 AM
Granted. Meals will be prepared around the clock and you will not be allowed to leave the table until each of them has been eaten. Try not to explode.

I wish that I did not enjoy mathematics so much as to be sorely tempted by the previous solution.

03-09-2019, 06:57 AM
Granted! But now you are - tempted by the fruit of another
Tempted but the truth is discovered
What's been going on
Now that you have gone
There's no other

i guess maybe i wish for more confidence or something, i don't know, is that a dumb wish?

Norman Mjadwesch
03-09-2019, 11:11 AM
Granted! You are now an incredibly confident and wishful person whose all-knowing personality, grass-roots connection to the voters, and no-nonsense approach to democracy has seen you elected to the US presidency.

I wish I wasn't being sarcastic.

03-09-2019, 06:14 PM
Granted! You told the truth and telling it is not sarcastic. In fact, it hurts after the person you were talking to punch you in the stomach.

I wish I knew the answer to life, the universe and everything else.

Norman Mjadwesch
03-10-2019, 12:34 AM
Granted. You are now Douglas Adams but because of your superior intellect the only way to communicate with humanity is to write books that contain life's answers, yet they are treated by readers largely as entertainment.

I wish I had simply written 42.

03-10-2019, 12:35 AM
Granted! You have all the answers. Unfortunately the ONLY question anyone ever asks you for the rest of your life is - Hey did you get a haircut or something?

I wish I had more focus.

Damn it! Missed it by one minute. Ignore my wish Genie. Next time.

03-11-2019, 03:59 AM
Granted. You are propelled back in time and when the fateful moment arrives this time your intuition takes over and you simply write.......42. The questionnaire you were filling out asked for your IQ.

I wish I was better at making decisions. No, more focus. No, the first thing - decisions.....uh..yeah decisions.

03-11-2019, 04:48 AM
Granted. You now have the focus and decision making abilities of a brain surgeon, unfortunately with no aptitude towards math, and being squeamish around blood, all that ability amounts to nawt.

I wish I had the skills of a professional contractor and the energy needed to finish up the the projects I have waiting for me.....

Norman Mjadwesch
03-11-2019, 06:40 AM
Granted! The contract you have just completed was a hit on Slick Jimmy and now you've just heard that his cousins are looking for you.

I wish I could do the things I used to be able to do without worrying about the consequences.

03-11-2019, 07:52 AM
Granted. You have been transported back to a state of infancy before you knew what consequences were. You may now grab people's hair, scream during dinner, throw food, wear a diaper (or not) and fall down at will, and you won't care at all, but you're (soon to be ex-) friends might.

I wish I had the time and ability to read every great work of literature, history and science.

Norman Mjadwesch
03-11-2019, 08:30 AM
Granted! You have attained a level of narcissism that has you convinced that only your writing and research has any worth, and so your days are filled admiring your own work and denigrating everything else.

I wish I didn't have to go to work this afternoon.

03-11-2019, 04:43 PM
Granted. You can now spend the day looking at the want ads for a job since you didn't show up for the one you had.

I wish I didn't have phone conference to prepare for and it could be postponed until tomorrow.

Norman Mjadwesch
03-12-2019, 02:01 AM
Granted! You have received a promotion and now everything you find onerous can be delegated to one of your minions.

I wish that we lived in a world where experts were listened to by policy makers, and where education was more important than popularity.

03-12-2019, 02:39 AM
Granted. You have been transported to the fifth planet circling Star 2767 in the Andromeda Galaxy, a very attractive planet. Experts are listened to by policy makers there, and education is much more important than popularity. Unfortunately, the temperature is rather high (1,500 degree Celsius, on the average), but 2767's citizens have gotten used to it--and with luck, maybe you will, too.

I wish I had an assistant to do all the tedious things in life.

03-12-2019, 04:56 AM
Granted. However, your assistant is not adept at independent decision making and will ask you on a continuous basis how you want something done. This takes up all free time you thought you'd find by having an assistant, so please keep your cell phone turned on.

I wish could be in two places at the same time so I could both get my work done and go out for lunch.

Norman Mjadwesch
03-12-2019, 05:34 AM
Granted! You are now an amoeba and have split in two. Unfortunately, you are no longer able to have thoughts, and therefore do not regret that your wish could have been solved by having a job as a food taster. You just had to insist on being in two places at once!

I wish my avatar looked like a Rorschach ink blot test.

03-12-2019, 05:58 AM
Granted. You go out for lunch to a seedy, dimly lit place called El Taco Disgusto which is also the last stop on your route with your roach spraying enterprise.

What about the "two places at the same time," you ask? Easy now, I didn't forget...The place doubles as a meth lab.

I wish I looked better in a hat.

03-12-2019, 05:59 AM
Ah for Christs sakes! (Genie I wish I could think faster) Next time Genie. Next time.

Gotta admit I like the dog's a little better.

03-12-2019, 04:44 PM
It's all good.....but so frustrating when we get beaten to the punch by one of our fellow writers! lol

Granted, but the hat you look good in happens to be a tricorn, triangular hat, that George Washington wore in the 1800's. So you'll stand out a little bit when you wear it to work, on a date, or riding the subway.

I wish I could go to NY to see a Broadway show while driven around by limousine.

03-13-2019, 05:41 AM
Granted. You know as a Genie I take my business seriously - I have little time or patience for any form of "entertainment." And musicals, well I must admit I find them pretty insufferable. But.......
OMG! Watching those furry Cats trying to sing and dance and stay in character while running in front of a limo has gotta be the funniest goddamn thing I've ever seen! Oh syntax is the best!

I wish I could move things with my mind.

03-13-2019, 11:24 AM
Granted! You can now move Thing 1 and Thing 2 with your mind. Activate the power by standing nose-to-nose with your target and staring at them. In case you don’t have any Dr. Seuss characters in your neighborhood, it’ll also work on people you don’t know. Just go up to a stranger, stand nose-to-nose and stare. Trust Genie. They’ll move.

I wish I had a talking fish.

03-13-2019, 05:56 PM
Granted. You now have a fish that never stops talking. From the minute you walk in the door, while you sleep, and before you leave, it will talk, talk, talk. It has opinions on everything you're doing and rambles on about the most boring topics you can possibly think of. A great addition to your home. Enjoy!

I wish I had an encyclopedic brain, photographic memory and could speed read.

03-13-2019, 08:13 PM
Well, you can, but it doesn't last long. Turns out if you eat all the product, nobody will give you money to keep your bakery afloat.

I wish that Space Quest 7 would come out.

03-13-2019, 09:56 PM
It does, but they are forced to release early before working out all the kinks. The worst is their new connectors. One plugs in through your nose but it sucks out your back teeth and Sharpei slides down the back of your throat.

I wish for packages to announce themselves when they are deposited at my doorstep.

03-13-2019, 11:56 PM
Granted. You now have a package alert system enabled with the scream of the former comedian Sam Kinison that will not stop until you've retrieved said package into your home.(If you've not heard of him be sure to look him up....classic). You'll never miss a delivery again...and neither will any of your neighbors.

I wish I had a drone to go to the grocery store for me when I'm out of something.

03-14-2019, 01:35 AM
*That sounds very like a howler, but I approve.*

I like how you asked for everything but actually getting the thing you actually need. Well it did everything you said ... up to that point, and then ... well no one was harmed, but there is now a big ugly black hole where the store the used to be. Oh, and also drones are notoriously lazy, so it took your car, ran into a mailbox, ate all of the letters, and then went to the store.

I wish I had a Dalai Lama string pulling doll that said the most inappropriate things at the wrong time and has about a million different sayings.

03-17-2019, 06:32 AM
Granted! Let's try this thing out.

Pull.............Happiness is found inside. And remember don't touch the girls or they'll throw you right out on your ass.
Pull.............Love is right here if you know where to look. ATM on the left, champagne room in the back.
Pull.............All of life is Beauty. Whoa look at those! See, see perfect example.

I wish I was buds the Dalai Lama

03-17-2019, 11:34 PM
Granted! Since you haven't made friends with the current Dalai Lama on facebook, instagram, followed him on twitter, watched his youtube videos, or listened to his podcasts, you're obviously a traditionalist. So, enjoy your transport back in time to hang out with #1 as a goat herder in 1398 Tibet with your new BFF!

I wish I could see the Aurora Borealis without having to go to Iceland in the dark of winter and feel I was freezing to death.

03-18-2019, 10:26 PM
Granted! They're coming to your living room. And remember - you asked for this.

https://youtu.be/NYlgbbAgCxQ (http://youtu.be/NYlgbbAgCxQ) (well, the link isn't working. If you're interested go to youtube and search Sarkikos)

I wish I could run like I used to.

Norman Mjadwesch
03-19-2019, 10:05 AM
Granted! You are once more a baby and you are ejecting volumes of diarrhea that make the most loving parents retch. The secret ingredients are milk, fruit juice and coke.

I wish I loved the things I hate

03-21-2019, 04:21 AM
Granted. It is now opposite day and you're the inverted image of the person that you were. By loving all the things you hate, the flip side is that you will have to hate all the things you loved before your wish was granted. Plus those who are important to you will think you've completely lost the plot, but you have your wish!

I wish I could swim all of the ocean without a submarine and observe all of the crazy fish that live at the very bottom of the deep blue sea (bear in mind I get sea sick)....

03-21-2019, 05:12 AM
Granted! Dive in and head for the bottom. You may now observe all those crazy fish - most of them from below. You are a Lump Fish. Do not swim near reflective surfaces. Trust me.

I wish I could step away from political news like I keep telling myself.

03-22-2019, 05:42 AM
Granted. Like so many of us yearn to, you will be removed from watching politics and instead be devoted to another kind of drama....the soap opera channel. Your head will now be reeling wondering whose baby it is, will the perfect couple ever make up and get married, and what rich older man will swoop in and save the day. When the election finally rolls around you'll have no clue and forget to vote altogether. The world will now end up with President ........? (sometimes better not to know).

I wish that I could backpack across Europe all summer (bear in mind I'm too old to now).

03-22-2019, 02:56 PM
Granted! But you will do it as a turtle. The big ones can live very old and still be in shape to travel. However, it will take a very long time to go from one place to another.

I wish I knew everything.

Norman Mjadwesch
03-22-2019, 03:43 PM
Granted. Unfortunately no one else is able to comprehend your gems of wisdom are you are routinely ignored (the rest of the time you are treated like a crank).

I wish that I was able to keep all of my promises.

03-22-2019, 10:28 PM
Granted. Of course, that includes the time your told your neighbor, "If you don't stop sweeping your leaves on my driveway, I swear I'll kill you!" Having kept that promise, you are spending the rest of your life in prison.

I wish I felt as full of energy as when I was 17.

M.S. Wiggins
03-23-2019, 01:38 AM
Granted, contractually. Fifty percent of seventeenth-year accrued energy owed to Genie, grantor-in-chief, twenty-five percent to Cosmic Time Reversal Department (CTRD), and fifteen percent to wholesale energy distributors. Your takeaway is ten percent royalties for Energy: Year 17. Have fun haggling with the ERS (Energy Revenue Service) over wish deductions!

I wish(ed) for more indictments.

03-24-2019, 10:06 PM
Granted. It's as bad as you expected and isn't that better than having to re-evaluate your bias and see the good in those you hate?

I wish I could roar with the ferocity and volume of a lion and silence all these barking dogs.

03-24-2019, 10:15 PM
Granted. But your roaring has enraged your neighbors, and you have been arrested for disturbing the peace.

I wish I could remember every word of everything I ever read.

03-24-2019, 11:57 PM
Granted. You now have the mind of a dictionary and can recall at will every word you have ever read. However, you have also lost the ability to use these words in any meaningful or creative way. When anyone needs to know the spelling or definition of a word they're in luck to have you there, but we'd miss you here as the wit and wisdom you exhibit would no longer be possible.

I wish watching golf weren't so boring.

03-25-2019, 02:16 AM

"And welcome viewers to the first annual Russian Roulettte Open! Where one in ten balls is an acme explosive device. You're up first Tiger. Please choose your first ball out of the Bucket of Destiny."

I wish I could run along the tree tops like those Chinese people in that movie with the swords and the fighting and the poison and the trees.

03-25-2019, 01:34 PM

But you now live in the desert.

I wish I could sing beautifully.