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NathanBrazil
09-03-2017, 07:59 PM
Do to recent budget cuts in our regional offices the best we can do is this custom Magic 8 Ball.
Just think of the person you're trying to read and speak your question out loud.
"Does she like me?"
*shakey shakey*
"Unclear. I would suggest a phone call."




I wish I could create a digital person that would handle all of my shopping - freeing up my time for the more important things - like playing AW word games.

Nerdilydone
09-03-2017, 08:12 PM
You can, but only if you see someone's brain directly. It doesn't work if they're still alive. Or if the brain isn't fresh.

I wish for candy.

Nymtoc
09-04-2017, 02:36 AM
Granted. It is super-hard peanut brittle, and it tastes great. Too bad it breaks off two of your teeth.

I wish I could meet rejection with a smile.

JoB42
09-04-2017, 03:09 AM
Granted. All it takes is practice, practice, practice! I have arranged it so that you will have plenty of opportunities to perfect this ability for the rest of your life. You're welcome.

I wish I had x-ray vision.

Nymtoc
09-04-2017, 11:27 AM
Granted. But your X-ray vision works only in medical X-ray departments.There you can have lots of fun looking at femurs, clavicals, radiuses, ulnas, astragaluses, fractured craniums, etc.

I wish my current, nagging problem would resolve itself soon.

Mary Mitchell
09-05-2017, 06:28 AM
Granted. You no longer nag anyone. As a result, you rarely get what you want. (Except, of course, this time.)

I wish I wasn't actually shy.

Marissa D
09-05-2017, 06:39 AM
Your wish is granted, and you are no longer actually shy--just virtually so, which unfortunately makes your on-line interactions highly awkward, difficult, and exhausting.

I wish someone would develop a low-carb pina colada.

Drachen Jager
09-06-2017, 12:07 AM
Granted, the carburetor on your pina colada is now mounted on the base of your glass. Be sure to prime it with alcohol if the engine gets wet.

I wish I had a million more wishes.

Mary Mitchell
09-10-2017, 06:49 AM
Granted. But, surprisingly, you run out of things to wish for around the 3,678 mark. The wish Genie is angered by your wasting of wishes and revokes everything he/she had previously granted. Unfortunately, the whole, "You don't miss what you've never had," thing no longer applies to you, and everything you do have left gets sold to support your expensive need for antidepressants.

I wish I owned a helicopter.

Marissa D
09-10-2017, 07:21 AM
Granted! You now own a helicopter. It's kept at a small airfield outside Kuala Lumpur.

I wish someone else would do my Christmas shopping for me this year.

Nymtoc
09-10-2017, 08:19 AM
Granted. The Genie will do your Christmas shopping for you this year. (Of course, there will be a small charge involved...)

I wish I had the gift of prophecy.

Mary Mitchell
09-11-2017, 12:05 AM
Granted. Unfortunately, what has been seen can never be unseen. You now wish you had never wished that.

I wish you hadn't told me what you'd seen.

Nymtoc
09-11-2017, 12:34 AM
Granted. I told you I saw you stepping in front of a herd of stampeding elephants and told you about it, but okay...if you don't want to know...you're on your own...

:e2violin:

I wish the world's finest restaurants would deliver my dinner each night--free of charge.

Mary Mitchell
09-11-2017, 02:49 AM
Granted. Many of these restaurants are French, and famous for their very high calorie sauces and desserts. Soon you have grown so large you can no longer make your way to the door to answer it when dinner is delivered. The delivery person shrugs and leaves. The restaurants stop delivering. Ironically, you starve to death from malnutrition (your lack of potassium combined with excessive weight lead to a fatal heart attack) before the lack of calories leads to enough weight loss to enable you to correct the situation.

I wish I could get that "hug from the universe/Buddhism in a bottle" feeling that oxy provides from something innocuous, like milk.

Drachen Jager
09-11-2017, 03:32 AM
Granted, the genie has stocked your refrigerator full of oxycontin laced milk.

I wish I had a home office with a door.

NathanBrazil
09-11-2017, 10:34 PM
Unfortunately, your wish was picked up by one of our noobs - and they are grossly underfed underpaid - so they have difficulty concentrating on the task at hand. He decided to take a very liberal interpretation of 'home'. Your new 'home' is inside the belly of a creature that slinks along the bottom of the ocean. The belly is indeed home to a scaly creature with many rows of teeth and they have shared many a meal. You're in luck because he's bloated from his last kill and won't be hungry for a few days. You should be able to get quite a bit of work in. Oh and almost forgot. Here's your door.




I wish I had someone on the sidelines that could give me a swift kick in the ass, whenever posting something that could only be explained by a pique of insanity.

Drachen Jager
09-11-2017, 10:44 PM
Umm granted.

There's no 'evil genie' at play here, but given your propensity for posting the inane and insane you will be very sore.


I wish I could meditate myself into a zen state of absolute peace with the Universe.

Mary Mitchell
09-14-2017, 05:09 AM
Granted. Apparently all you have to do is raid my fridge.

I wish I had a tiny house with infinite closet space.

Nymtoc
09-14-2017, 05:31 AM
Granted. But your tiny house is a doll's house, so naturally the Genie confuses you with Nora Helmer, and once you walk out that door there's no telling where you'll end up.

I wish I had a coach-and-four.

Marissa D
09-14-2017, 06:08 AM
Granted! But the Genie is a big fan of Disney films, and your coach-and-four consists of a pumpkin and four rats. Pity you didn't wish for the Fairy Godmother as well...

I wish I had the Unabridged Oxford English Dictionary installed in my brain.

NathanBrazil
09-14-2017, 10:02 AM
Granted. We've installed the Dictionary to the back of your head (blame the contractors - they never get anything right), with a coin slot that allows the user one word for a quarter. True - this day and age - who needs a device like that. All but that poor sap, with a busted cell and a roll of quarters chasing you.
"Just one more word. Please stop!"


I wish for a device that could take those troublesome thoughts and generate a new form of money that can be traded to the street corner poets.

Nerdilydone
09-15-2017, 12:06 AM
Your wish has already been granted. They're called books.

I wish for a book of cryptogram puzzles.

Drachen Jager
09-16-2017, 06:17 AM
Granted.

Genie sometimes mixes vowels up. You were planning to use the book on the toilet anyhow, right?
Just... you know, make sure to wash up after.

I wish I had the wit of Samuel Clemens (when he was alive and writing).

Nerdilydone
09-17-2017, 08:52 PM
Um, okay...but you know, his wit came from his life. And he suffered a lot of hardship, including the death of a child.

In other words, have some hardship.

I wish people wouldn't be so perverted.

Drachen Jager
09-17-2017, 10:17 PM
Granted. Perversion is all about perspective, and since it's easier to change one person than seven billion, you are now the most perverted person on the planet, rendering everyone else not very perverted in your view. You'll probably spend the rest of your life in jail if you give in to those urges though.

I wish Nerdilydone would stop staring at me like that.

Nymtoc
09-17-2017, 10:47 PM
Granted. Now Nerdilydone is staring at you like this (it's much, much worse).

I wish someone would take Donald Drumpf's phone away from him.

Drachen Jager
09-17-2017, 11:13 PM
Granted, he now has more time on his hands to sabotage healthcare, tilt the taxation system toward the rich, and start a war with North Korea. CNN almost instantly reacts by saying how 'presidential' he's been acting lately.

I wish news organizations were forced to actually report the facts instead of serving up 90% self-serving editorial content and presenting it as 'news'.

Mary Mitchell
09-19-2017, 02:58 AM
Granted. But they have to fill up the program somehow, so you now get to listen to all the small-town-newspaper type stuff, such as, "Martha Tiddlywinks was host to Tildy Merriwether and her daughters on Saturday. She served tea and petit fours left over from her niece's baby shower last month, and Tildy won a cup and saucer for winning at canasta."

I wish the sky here wasn't cloudy every time there's a cool meteor shower.

Drachen Jager
09-20-2017, 08:52 AM
Granted. Genie aims a few meteors straight at your house to make sure you get a good close look. Genie is so generous.

I wish everyone was my target audience.

Mary Mitchell
09-21-2017, 06:20 AM
Granted. Although the police didn't understand what you meant about everyone being a target. Hope you have enough money for a good lawyer.

I wish loopholes were actually little doorways into alternate realities.

NathanBrazil
09-21-2017, 06:43 AM
Granted. You're going through the particularly painful process of hashing out a new contract when you notice a loophole on the back page. You get sucked into the pages and ... you're sitting in the same chair, your lawyer is eating the contract and someone hands you a check for four million dollars. I don't know. If it was me I would take the money and run.

I wish there was a web "find it" button that would hunt down and scrape together all the information I actually need. Not a near miss or its distant cousin.

Nerdilydone
09-21-2017, 10:12 PM
Okeedokee. The NSA really likes the technology your wish created, and now they have way better privacy-violating methods. As do all the people who figure out this technology, and now nobody knows you like Google. Greg from accounting wants to date you.

I wish for a free lunch.

Drachen Jager
09-21-2017, 10:27 PM
Granted. It was delicious. Genie thanks you for your considerate wish.

I wish I had a pet dragon.

ESGrace
09-22-2017, 12:26 AM
Granted. But since it would create...issues to bring a dragon into this world, I'll drop you off on planet full of dragons and you can have any one you want! Er, I forgot that dragon planet is incredibly hot. You died. At least all the dragons will mourn you?

I wish I didn't always get so hungry at the end of the work day.

Marissa D
09-22-2017, 12:34 AM
Granted! You now get hungry at the beginning of the work day instead. Your coworkers are in awe of the number of donuts you can put away...and are soon making you contribute three times the usual amount to the office donut fund.

I wish that my hands wouldn't get so stinky after chopping six gloves of garlic for the batch of salsa I'm about to make.

Drachen Jager
09-22-2017, 09:10 AM
Granted. Now the rest of your body stinks instead. (pro-tip for real, if you use stainless steel and rub it on your hands under water like a bar of soap, it kills the smell, I recommend a spoon rather than a sharp knife, but personally I have a soap-shaped bit of steel for that purpose in my kitchen)

I wish I wasn't so forgetful.

Nymtoc
09-22-2017, 09:24 PM
Granted. You remember every thing that ever happened in your life--every every minuscule event, every sight you've ever seen, every word you've ever heard or read or spoken. You are so overwhelmed by these memories that you can barely function and stumble around as if trying to make your way through a sea of mud while in a trance.

I wish obligations came in an orderly way instead of getting all jammed up at once.

Drachen Jager
09-24-2017, 03:04 AM
Granted, your obligations will begin arriving at a steady rate of one per hour.

I wish I could re-animate the dead so I could take over the world.

NathanBrazil
09-27-2017, 05:50 AM
I'm going to grant that wish, just so that I can see what brand of dysphoria you had in mind, but we've decided to have Tom Waits merge his soul with yours. He'll be steering the ship, if you get my meaning. I'd like to improve the quality of my suffering.

I wish I could convert these complicated calculus equations into simple melodic phrases and vice versa - making the process so much more enjoyable.

ESGrace
09-27-2017, 11:41 PM
Granted. Every time you make a mistake while working an equation, you'll hear a loud, discordant note. And for the vice versa...I've replaced all song lyrics with equations. That new Taylor Swift song "Look what you made me do?" is now "1 plus 1 equals 2."

I wish for a nice surprise.

HistoryLvr
09-28-2017, 12:27 AM
Wish granted. Unfortunately, your surprise caused a heart attack, so you never got to enjoy it.

I wish I could create manuscripts more quickly.

M.S. Wiggins
09-29-2017, 03:00 AM
Granted. You can whip ‘em out like a Vegas card dealer. Have fun spending the next ten to fifteen years editing all of them.

I wish to know conclusively if there is a fifth dimension.

Drachen Jager
09-29-2017, 03:03 AM
Yes, there is. That's where all your missing socks go.

I wish I could get a consistent good night's rest.

HistoryLvr
09-29-2017, 03:04 AM
Wish granted. You are now in a coma.

I wish Barbra Streisand was still making musicals. (They are my faves.)

Drachen Jager
09-29-2017, 03:10 AM
Granted. She is 75 and has some hard living behind her. Most of the time she sounds like your grandma during sex.

I wish I could get that mental image out of my head.

HistoryLvr
09-29-2017, 06:50 AM
Granted. Your memory is completely wiped.

I wish Drachen could listen to Babs, even now, and hear how amazing she is/was.

NathanBrazil
09-29-2017, 07:10 AM
Granted. *Borrows M.S. Wiggins voodoo dolls and forces DJ to click this (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nz5DLO8fclA) link.* Assuming the woojie is still good - anyway.


I wish I could spend a full day conversing with Albert Einstein - preferable alive. I know I'm being a bit loose there and you lily-livered crazies are going to make me suffer for that. S'alright. I probably deserve it.

Drachen Jager
09-29-2017, 07:54 AM
Granted. He's been revived in his pre-American days and doesn't speak a lick of English. I hope your German is up to the task.

I wish I could teleport anywhere in the world whenever I wanted.

HistoryLvr
09-29-2017, 09:59 PM
Granted, but you don't get to choose where you go--or which dimension.

I wish my house would magically clean itself.

Drachen Jager
09-29-2017, 10:04 PM
Granted. It works like a self-cleaning oven. Initiating cleaning cycle in 3... 2... 1...

I wish I had a servant to clean my house for me.

Ms.Pencila
09-30-2017, 04:14 AM
Granted, you are the evil stepmother from Cinderella.

I wish I could figure out the beginning of my wip should go on the 6th try.

NathanBrazil
09-30-2017, 05:19 AM
Granted. Unfortunately the thread gremlins got a hold of your wish and inserted an 'h'. You are forced to use a new keyboard where each key must be struck with a whip. It'll go on the 6th try. It's just going to take a while to finish.



I wish I could create a new brand of paint that will change to an appropriate color for the season or an upcoming holiday.

porlock
09-30-2017, 04:42 PM
Granted; however when you applied the red and green expecting Christmas it turned to orange and black Halloween and you got eye of newt in your Christmas stocking (delivered by a witch, of course and the reindeer were all black cats.


Wish I could vacation on my own south sea island and just relax on the beach.

Marissa D
09-30-2017, 05:54 PM
Granted! Welcome to your new south sea island! It's called Bikini Atoll.

I wish the opticial place hadn't screwed up my new glasses.

porlock
09-30-2017, 06:33 PM
Granted - but when you found out what your boyfriend/husband really looked like you fainted.

Wish I were single again.

Drachen Jager
09-30-2017, 07:53 PM
Granted. Nobody else wants to come within a thousand miles of your hut on Bikini Atoll. You're as single as it gets.

I wish I could reverse or halt my aging process at will.

NathanBrazil
09-30-2017, 08:01 PM
Granted. Unfortunately your reverse-o-matic gets jammed (crappy design) in reverse and you keep going and end up in one of your past lives. *Spins the past lives wheel .......*


I wish I could create chili that would allow me to adjust the scoville scale.

Drachen Jager
09-30-2017, 08:42 PM
Granted. You adjust the Scoville scale. The chili remains just as hot, but the numbers used to represent that level of heat change, confusing everyone into either burning their mouths, or eating bland food.

I wish I had a sports almanac like Biff Tannen that would give me the outcomes for all major sporting events for the next several decades.

Ms.Pencila
10-01-2017, 12:41 AM
Granted. Your desired almanac falls from the heavens onto your head and puts you in a coma.

I wish I could learn a new language instantly.

Drachen Jager
10-01-2017, 01:38 AM
Granted. Your entire knowledge of English has been replaced with Klingon. I hope you like Star Trek conventions, because you won't be able to have a conversation anywhere else!

I wish my foresight was as accurate as my hindsight.

ESGrace
10-04-2017, 11:39 PM
Granted. Your foresight is JUST as good as your hindsight. You know all the things you could/should do differently, but have no power to change what happens. That would be another wish.

I wish my neck/shoulder didn't get so sore just from day-to-day activities.

NathanBrazil
10-05-2017, 07:13 AM
Granted. We’ve transferred all your neck/shoulder pain to your cat (I hope you have a cat or that might be awkward), which becomes grumpier daily with this new pain, and eventually takes it out on your new sofa.

I wish this cursor could dive into other’s posts, move text around, swapping lines from different threads – wreaking havoc.

Nymtoc
10-06-2017, 01:18 AM
Granted. Your cursor has now wreaked havoc on 38,297 threads in 7,325 forums. As a result, you have been banned from the internet. Don't bother to reply to this. Your words will not be posted. :evil

I wish I had nine lives.

Drachen Jager
10-06-2017, 02:43 AM
Granted. The last eight were really cool, you were an Emperor, a great explorer, a spy.... Too bad you can't remember any of them.

I wish I had a pen that would always write when I wanted, never run out of ink, never leak, and provide professional, thoughtful feedback on my writing.

Nerdilydone
10-07-2017, 08:44 PM
You do. His name is Gary, and he offers his services to you for $5,000 per year. For an additional $10,000, he'll also act as your agent.

I wish Drachen had the money to afford Gary's services. :D

Nymtoc
10-08-2017, 05:42 PM
Granted--or almost granted--because to get the money, DJ would have to sell off his horn (well-known aphrodisiac), and he stubbornly refuses to do it.

I wish I had an endless supply of avocados.

DrDLN
10-09-2017, 03:47 AM
Granted-- but all the avocados are sprayed with insecticide....

I wish I have the body of a teenager but brain of a grown up person...

Drachen Jager
10-11-2017, 10:02 AM
Granted, you have the body of a teenager, the brain of an adult, and an international warrant out for your arrest.

I wish DrDLN would remove his misogynistic avatar and pick something more tasteful.

NathanBrazil
10-11-2017, 08:28 PM
Granted. But a huge debate ensues about what is tasteful and no consensus can be reached. DrDLN ends up with some unrecognizable creature for an AV that harrasses of all the surrounding AVs.

I wish that I could age my AV – just a few months out of the year.

Drachen Jager
10-17-2017, 05:40 AM
Granted. Your nom-de-plume is now Mervyn Over the Peake.

I wish I could stop aging.

Nymtoc
10-17-2017, 10:59 AM
Granted. The Genie has put you into a cryonic chamber. You'll be alive, but you won't age a minute till the day when (or if) somebody comes along and unfreezes you.

I wish I could eliminate anyone who comes to a Halloween party dressed as Donald Drumpf. (I didn't say "kill," I just said "eliminate." Is that so wrong?)

Marissa D
10-17-2017, 10:01 PM
Granted. But now your neighbors are complaining about the throngs of Donald Drumpf lookalikes swarming the street outside your house and frightening innocent trick-or-treaters half to death, resulting in years of nightmares and requiring therapy not covered by crappy health insurance.

I wish the leaves were more colorful this autumn.

NathanBrazil
10-17-2017, 10:16 PM
Denied. God spent many painstaking hours painting those leaves, and does not appreciate the criticism. As punishment your home has been drained of all color except for black, white and gray. Kids will give your house a wide berth during Halloween, just in case it might be something contagious.

I wish for contact lenses that could be used for advertisement, displaying holographic images of various products - I could use the extra cash, renting its use.

Nerdilydone
10-18-2017, 05:05 AM
Uh, okay, you do, but the space is really small. Also, how much time do you spend outside of the house? People don't really pay that much for that small of a space and you don't see enough people for it to matter. Your friends are so annoyed by your advertising that they always avert their eyes when you come around.

I wish for enough money to spend all my days writing instead of having to work.

Drachen Jager
10-18-2017, 06:21 AM
Granted, here is $35.

That should last long enough. It was going to be $15, but you did specify days.


I wish I had a light saber like in Star Wars.

slcboston
10-19-2017, 11:11 PM
Granted.

You do almost the exact same thing Luke did with it when Obi-wan handed his lightsaber to him, with one crucial difference: you turn yours on. On the plus side, you've cleared up your sinuses (and everything behind them).


I wish I could get into vinyl. As in records.

NathanBrazil
10-20-2017, 06:57 PM
Granted.

I know what you mean, but at the Genie office downtown they speak some form of Coptic. Your wish is translated and re-translated and ... well you're now wearing an outfit made of vinyl records. Not comfortable and a little breezy, but Lady Gaga may be willing to pay for the rights to that design.




I wish that 2+2 = 5

slcboston
10-20-2017, 07:02 PM
Granted.

In the hands of the IRS (or your local equivalency, because let's face it, there's no escaping taxes), it always has. Expect a call about those back taxes.



I wish I could avoid going into work today.

Nymtoc
10-20-2017, 09:59 PM
Granted. The Genie has blocked your doors with an enormous tractor-trailer in front and a military tank in back, so you can't get out. (Your boss will believe this when you send photos, and you will believe it when you send the Genie $10,000 for his kindness.)
:banana:

I wish I had 24-hour Uber service for a year, free of charge.

SandyH
10-21-2017, 08:13 AM
Granted

I wish there is more love in my life...

slcboston
10-21-2017, 05:29 PM
Granted.

You now have a great passion for garlic, stilton cheese, and bad opera. You will discover that these exclude a lot of other possible love interests, but it will still be a great love.



I wish my computer wasn't out of date.

Drachen Jager
10-25-2017, 07:15 AM
Granted. Here is a computer from the year 2245. I hope you have plenty of de-ionized polyhueristic prune juice to power it.

Also, should you find an alternate power source, it is sentient and will probably do its best to kill you and/or all of humanity.


I wish I had a self-driving car I could send out on errands.

SandyH
10-25-2017, 07:51 AM
Granted.

I wish I am teenager with adult brain!

slcboston
10-25-2017, 05:03 PM
Granted.

You're being sent back to high school, with just enough self-awareness to fully grasp how awkward and horrible high school really is.



I wish the house wasn't so drafty.

NathanBrazil
10-25-2017, 07:21 PM
Granted. The overly zealous house elves, who gave your house a makeover, installing quad pane windows, HEPA filters and hermetically sealed doors, made one minor mistake. The doors are only large enough for a house elf. Don’t pay attention to the rumors that they are planning to relocate you. A 10 x 10 equipment shed has been provided for you while they are … correcting the problem.

I wish I could triple my current internet speed.

Drachen Jager
10-25-2017, 08:12 PM
Granted. Your computer is overwhelmed with its new power and promptly bursts into flames.
I hope you had backups of that 230,000 page magnum opus you were putting the finishing touches on.

I wish breakfast and coffee would make themselves so I can get a bit of extra sleep in the mornings.

slcboston
10-25-2017, 08:38 PM
Granted.

Ever seen The Sorcerer’s Apprentice? The one with a certain cartoon icon? Yeah, hot coffee’s much less easier to swim in.



I wish I had more cookies.

NathanBrazil
10-28-2017, 07:23 AM
More cookies? More? Tall order SLC. How could we possibly pervert that wish ... I mean accommodate you? Granted. Sort of. We didn't even need the genie. We - when I say we, I mean my wife - cooked a few 100 chocolate chip cookies. You know the kind - thin with more chocolate than dough and the chocolate is molten. It's so good you can't stop eating them, but after you won't be able to taste anything for a month. Anyway, we took half, cause that's just fair. And the rest ... well you weren't around, so I gave the rest to any posters that were still up at this hour. But I was able to collect a small bag of crumbs for ya SLC.

I wish for more milk to go with the more cookies.

slcboston
10-28-2017, 05:47 PM
Granted.

A herd of cows is on your doorstep. I also provided a pail and stool. Beyond that, you're on your own.



I wish it was next Saturday.

Nymtoc
10-29-2017, 11:24 PM
Granted. It is next Saturday. Unfortunately, next Wednesday (which you missed) was the day you would have won $96,000,000 on the lottery. Funny how these things happen. :ROFL:

I wish there was a supermarket within walking distance of where I live.

NathanBrazil
10-30-2017, 06:39 AM
Well, the Genie contractors have converged and decided there’s only one way to accomplish this. First we’ll have to trim a few rooms from you home. I think you may be able to keep the bedroom and half of the bathroom. This will allow them to place the supermarket around your house. Because they have to abide by the rigorous zoning rules in your area, your bedroom will need to double as either a camera shop or an ice cream parlor.

I wish that my office was closer, so that it wouldn’t be so difficult to reach … somebody when I need assistance.

slcboston
10-30-2017, 07:27 PM
Granted.

Your office is now next door. You are also now on-call 24 hrs a day, 7 days a week. And lest you think you already are *now*, wait until your place of employment realize you no longer have any excuses for not coming in. ... It still won't improve your odds of getting help when you need it, though. This is not how work works. You don't need an evil genie to tell you that.



I wish I could replace the windows in the kitchen.

NathanBrazil
11-02-2017, 07:32 PM
Ok. First the bad news then the worse news. We took the windows from your neighbors and swapped. They didn’t quite fit and there are gaps, broken plaster and cracked glass. Some idiot etched *SLC was here* into one of your old windows (wadn’t me) – that were too small and fell through, right into your neighbor's sink.

I wish for stronger coffee, that can keep me up for more than just a few hours.

slcboston
11-02-2017, 09:44 PM
Granted.

You will never, ever sleep, and eventually will come the hallucinations and the psychoses, but it is a damn fine cup of coffee.


I wish I knew what was going on with my iPad.

ESGrace
11-02-2017, 11:30 PM
Granted. Genie has agreed to conduct a series of therapy sessions with your iPad to find out what's really going on. It's all your fault. Here's my bill...

I wish my cubicle at work had individual controls for heat/cold/brightness.

slcboston
11-03-2017, 05:17 PM
Granted.

You don't control them, however, your coworker does. You know, the one that's always complaining that it's too hot, or too cold, or too dark, or too bright ...

No, not you. The other one.




I wish I could convince my cat that my desk is not his nap zone.

NathanBrazil
11-03-2017, 06:58 PM
(I had a co-worker who was designing a keyboard that detected cat key presses.)

*Watches a few hours of ‘My Cat From Hell’* Since I was only virtually watching it, I actually retained nothing, but I did come up with a solution. It’s the latest fad – a desk-free ‘desk’. Basically mouse, keyboard, and monitor sit upon circular metallic platforms, that are supported by curved metal tension rods, which protrude from the wall. They are a just bit wobbly and very difficult to get used to.


I wish for waterless grass. No, I don’t mean AstroTurf. The grass needs to be alive, but never needs to be watered.

slcboston
11-03-2017, 09:42 PM
Granted.

It will grow tall, and lush, and look an awful lot like that scene from Jurassic Park II. There may or may not be velociraptors in it. Or possibly tigers.


I wish I could skip work today. Going in for a short shift between three days off is just WRONG.

NathanBrazil
11-15-2017, 06:12 AM
WTH - the thread died??? SLC -- the next time such a travesty occurs you may grant your own wish free of charge.

Well, Djinn was bored ... missing so many days from the evil wish thread ... he created a 'Spin Your Work Days' wheel. Some weird ones on the wheel - one has you working 8 days in a week. Not sure how that works out, but ... sorry. I know that's not what you asked for - better luck next wish.

I wish for more piano time - mind numbing work iz starting to get to me.

Marissa D
11-16-2017, 07:04 AM
Granted. Unfortunately, however, you failed to specify exactly what sort of piano time you wanted, so you now have a piano teacher living next door and get to listen to hours upon hours of new students taking lessons.


I wish I could avoid catching any further colds this winter--one's been enough, thanks.

Nymtoc
11-16-2017, 08:46 AM
Granted. But the one you already have (it's still lurking there) will last until April.

I wish I would never see another cockroach.

ESGrace
11-16-2017, 07:42 PM
Granted. You have been blinded, so you will never see another cockroach. Or anything else for that matter.

I wish I hadn't forgotten to put on my rings this morning. It feels so weird not wearing them :cry: (first world problems...)

slcboston
11-17-2017, 07:06 PM
Granted.

We've found your ring. We're sending two hobbits to bring it back to you. I'm sure everything will work out fine for you.



I wish I could get rid of these last vestiges of my cold.

NathanBrazil
11-20-2017, 10:25 PM
:hooray::partyguy: Congrats on 50k.

All the djinns are off early for Thanksgiving, but we were able to locate John Coffey - 'Like Coffee. Only not spelled the' -
Yes, John. We know.

He was able to remove the last vestiges, but the house shook as if hit by a magnitude 8.7 earthquake. You’ve got some nice jagged cracks in the walls, a lot of broken china, and a natural skylight.

I wish I had a chair which was designed to alleviate lower back pain.

Nymtoc
11-21-2017, 07:58 AM
Granted. The Genie found this chair in an old prison. It looks kinda funny and has electric wires attached to it, but the Genie is sure you'll never have back pain again.

I wish I hadn't gotten TWO good job offers for the same day.

NathanBrazil
11-30-2017, 01:09 AM
*Gives chair back to Nym* This chair ain’t working. It clearly needs a battery, but there’s only an empty slot with a note ‘Insert Cray here'.


So to your wish - I think I’m much too late to go back in time and reverse that turrible sichiation, so instead I’ll send you to the AW rock mines. Apparently we need to make a few more slots for posts and possibly a new page. That’s why this thread has been so silent.


I wish I could get through these next few days without losing my shnit. https://i.imgur.com/xOzQXNt.gif

M.S. Wiggins
11-30-2017, 03:14 AM
Half-granted. (I empathize with your concerns about shnit loss.) I’ll slow down tomorrow’s time, down to the individual nanoseconds using reversed shnit propulsion, and together we can examine what it is about these upcoming few days that worry you so much. Our nanoseconds of reflection will enlighten us both and then the resultant day/s will become a cakewalk.


I wish my current edits would stop conflicting with my ideal of:
The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ,
Moves on: nor all thy Piety nor Wit
Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line,
Nor all thy Tears wash out a Word of it. (~Edward FitzGerald’s translation of The Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam.)


...it's really annoying when the fingers falter.

Patty
11-30-2017, 04:47 AM
Fully granted, and doubly so, depending on your willingness!

*pop*

Here is a lovely Chardonnay. No? I am enjoying Pinot myself, perhaps you would like a glass of this.
Heavens, what's that you say? Scotch? Vodka? Yes, let me see, I have some in the back. Do let us get to know one another. Have a shot, a wee bit, a dram or a glass. Or a pint. (Some come in pints.)

See? Now? No edits possible, but the fingers do fairly fly do they not? You can certainly forge onwards, and worry about edits tomorrow, or, perhaps not until the weekend.

~~~

My wish:

Oh heavens. I wish, that I was a better writer!

slcboston
11-30-2017, 07:32 PM
Granted.

You are now grumpy, cynical, envious, and dour. ... Oh, you said "better?" Sorry, bitter is as best as we can manage these days.




I wish I worked with more competent people.

Nymtoc
11-30-2017, 07:43 PM
Granted. You are working in the White House, where everyone is super-competent.

I wish the construction workers outside my windows would shut off their damned machines. The noise has been driving me nuts for the past three days!

slcboston
11-30-2017, 07:49 PM
Granted.

All the machines shut off. ALL the machines. Might be the fault of the North Koreans. Probably just the competent people I (now) work with courtesy of your last wish. Electronics were over-rated anyway. You do have skills that don't depend on modern equipment, right?




I wish I knew where that smell was coming from... or what it was...

NathanBrazil
12-01-2017, 03:09 AM
Hmmm. That's an odd request, but ok. *Pulls out the SmellFinder 3000 with it's fancy C_Thru_Wallz(Yep that's its name) vid cam. Locates the demon portal in the basement.* Sorry didn't find anything. That smell is probably a holdover from the cold you were suffering from.

I wish for there more vaca days, so I can take the rest of December off.

slcboston
12-02-2017, 07:17 PM
Granted.

You have the rest of December off, and can use your severance pay to go on vacation. What you do come January is not this particular genie's purview.



I wish I could shake this cough.

Spooky
12-03-2017, 07:48 AM
Granted!

You do shake that infernal cough but unfortunately, in carelessly separating it from your relieved throat in the presence of a wandering witch, it gets the gleeful opportunity to transform into a poltercroak. This is the hopping hiccuping phlegm hurling hoppity hoppin husk of a frog that got crushed by a falling tree that a drunk lumberjack sent wayward, the witch kept its rather unravishing slimy body in her pocket for an opportunity like this. Good luck stopping that swine stomping all over your face at night and popping up beneath you in the toilet bowl during the morning routine.

I wish plates weren't so damn noisy when you stacked them in the cupboard.

slcboston
12-03-2017, 08:30 AM
Granted.

All your plates are paper. It's all you can afford.




I wish that damn frog would sing in front of other people.

NathanBrazil
12-05-2017, 06:10 AM
Couldn’t get that to work. We got ‘Milli’ to hide behind the curtain, but he could only lip synch, while the frog danced across the stage. The frog got the hook after a few minutes.

I wish I could find an alternative to Caffeine – something that can make you clear headed without being jittery.

Nymtoc
12-05-2017, 07:30 AM
I've got just the thing. Meet me at midnight beside the dumpster behind the old pool hall (the one the cops shut down). Bring money, and make sure you're not being followed.

I wish I could get through December without hearing "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer."

slcboston
12-05-2017, 06:37 PM
Granted.

"Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer" is now the only Christmas song you shall hear.


Was that too cruel? I feel that may have been too cruel. Oh well, other things to do this morning.






I wish I could figure out my home office lighting situation.

Marissa D
12-05-2017, 07:07 PM
Granted--you've figured it out! It involves thousands of fireflies kept in old baby food jars strung from a network of silken cords woven across the ceiling of your office, but it's perfect. Unfortunately it's December and fireflies are in short supply...


I wish "Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer" had never been written.

slcboston
12-05-2017, 07:13 PM
Granted.

But "Santa, Baby" is still a thing.



I wish it was snowing, not raining.

Nymtoc
12-06-2017, 07:58 PM
Granted. Snow falls, but it is a wet snow, and when you look for your house, your car, and maybe even your cat :e2cat:, you can't find them, because they are buried in slush.

I wish slcboston had never mentioned "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer."

Icarus_Burned
12-06-2017, 08:20 PM
Granted. You have Alzheimers and cant remember the mention of the song.

I wish i could have the energy all toddlers seem to posess from sun up to sun down.

NathanBrazil
12-06-2017, 09:05 PM
Granted. You ever see that movie Monkey Business. Well that's you. Your kitchen has more food on the ceiling than on your plate. Your bed (frame and all) somehow ended up in the street in front of your house, and you drove your car into the pool.

I wish I could think of something to wish for.

ESGrace
12-07-2017, 01:42 AM
Granted. You've thought of something, but the thinking was the wish. Enjoy your unfulfilled wish that you now know you want!

I wish I could teleport from home and work so I didn't have to sit in traffic.

Patty
12-07-2017, 02:36 AM
You got it. Your boss now expects you to work those extra hours.

I wish my husband didn't finish the wine last night.

NathanBrazil
12-09-2017, 02:26 AM
Granted. We allowed the dogs to imbibe the remainder, but someone altered the wine. It wasn’t us. I think it was the miscreants on the fifth floor. Anyway, while you were away, the dogs made some modifications … adding people doors and people feeders. I’m sure you’ll be happy with it.

I wish that I could walk to the mailbox and back without being pestered by my nosy neighbor.

Marissa D
12-09-2017, 02:36 AM
Granted--you may now walk to the mailbox and back without being pestered. The aforementioned nosy neighbor has instead set up a system of motion detectors and cameras and recording devices to keep tabs on you. You might want to consider closing your curtains after 3 pm...

I wish I hadn't been too lazy to go out and get our Christmas tree today, rather than tomorrow when it's snowy.

NathanBrazil
12-13-2017, 08:25 AM
I’m trying to focus on this wish, but not heppy about my neighbor spying on me. Anyway, I think the window for granting this wish has slid by, and besides which I was only able to read every third word of your wish – which leaves me with ‘I hadn’t lazy out our today, tomorrow snowy.’ This doesn’t sound like a proper wish, but I shall do my best. It sounds like you want a magic eight ball that controls the weather. Granted. But the mice that control the dice on the inside are on strike, so you get winter for the next 100 years, or until the union can resolve their disputes.

I wish these annoying neighbors, with their fancy spy gear, would move next to Marissa.

Marissa D
12-13-2017, 08:45 AM
;) Granted! But I live in a historic district where residential zoning is minimum 5 acres, so my new neighbors had better have very good spy gear...

The tree is purchased and up in its stand...I just wish one of our strings of lights hadn't died so we didn't run out of lights three-quarters of the way up.

NathanBrazil
12-15-2017, 01:30 AM
Granted. You get this handy dandy 'Spray-on Lights' can. Unfortunately you get some on your dog, who is none too happy about how is ass keeps twinkling while he walks.

I wish I could find the book that I lost last year. You know. It's the one that I can't remember the name of right now.

Marissa D
12-15-2017, 04:43 AM
Oh, that one! Yep, it'll turn up again--turns out your nosy neighbor had "borrowed" it. Unfortunately he only read it while eating lunch, so its pages have accumulated a fine patina of soup dribbles and the page gutters are replete in crumbs.

I wish it weren't so darned cold out tonight so I could go out and watch the meteor shower.



I don't actually have a dog--I have a bunny. She would look very cute hopping around with a twinkling bunny butt.

NathanBrazil
12-17-2017, 06:43 AM
Granted ... maybe. Reverses time to watch the meteor shower to see if it's actually worth changing the course of the future. Nope, sorry! Places Marissa in the middle of the game of Zathura. I think there's meteor showers, and even if there aren't, it's way more interesting. *Steals bunneh.*

I wish I could have food for my new bunneh.

Marissa D
12-17-2017, 08:33 AM
Granted: quantities of organic kale, parsley, cilantro, dandelion greens, and dill, plus plenty of 1st cut timothy hay, are now yours. Plus an enormous refrigerator to store it in which fills most of your kitchen and means you can't open the dishwasher anymore.

I wish I could have my bunneh back.
Her name is Beatrice.

Nightfly
12-18-2017, 07:27 AM
Granted. Should be ready any minute. Set the table would you? - (Hmm, white wine I think.)

I wish I weren't so pale.

NathanBrazil
12-18-2017, 07:40 AM
I did not laugh at that. Not! After all there are two people losing a bunneh. I was wondering how it tasted, though. More pale - (Michael Jackson pale?) Maybe if you could stand on your toes and give me a squeal ... No. Pitiful! *Separates Nightfly’s spirit from his body.* See – you’re not dead – just comatose. And that’s about as pale as you can get. Wait you said - not so pale. Well that'll learn you for being so evil.

I wish I could have one of those teeny tiny marmosets that wrap around your finger.

slcboston
12-20-2017, 09:29 PM
Granted.

You've got about five minutes before the wildlife enforcement agencies show up. Make the most of them.



I wish it felt a little more like Christmas (in other words, snow).

Nymtoc
12-20-2017, 10:01 PM
Granted. A foot of snow is expected in Whitefish, Montana today. An UBER car will arrive at your door in ten minutes and will take you there. (You will pay UBER, of course.)

I wish I had a ten-speed bicycle.

NathanBrazil
12-21-2017, 10:40 PM
Granted. I know you said speed, but somehow ‘speed’ was replaced with ‘function’ on the assembly line. One of them actually turns the bike into a helo-cycle. Unfortunately, you selected 2nd Gear(function) and it immediately started digging downward until it hit the water main, which shorted out the bike.

I wish for a grand piano - complete with the echo effect you can only get in an auditorium.

Nightfly
12-22-2017, 04:29 AM
Granted. But, well, here's the thing... You see the movers had to use a crane to remove it from the penthouse apartment owned by the estate of the very shy and modest Liberace. Well the new guy on the crew set the rigging (in retrospect a bad decision) and so it plummeted approximately 20 stories landing ever so quickly and deliberately on concrete in the alley that ran between the tall buildings. A shame to be sure but oh that beautiful echo.


I wish I had a time machine.

NathanBrazil
12-28-2017, 08:56 PM
Granted. This time machine goes sideways in time. That may seem strange but it’s a Wonka-TimeMachine. You know. It goes frontways and slantways … etc. Unfortunately, its stuck in sideways and doesn’t appear to do much of anything, but it really is moving sideways in time. I think FedEx should be dropping it off in a few hours.

I wish for normal Christmas weather. Not this! 30 one day and 80 the next. Somebody please fix the weather – even if it’s not an evil genie.

Snitchcat
12-29-2017, 12:44 PM
Granted. But you didn't specify a timeline, therefore the Christmas weather (replete with appropriate frigid temperatures) is now eternal.

I wish for....er, I can't think of anything to wish for.... I wish for all my debts to be fully paid off forever.

Nightfly
12-30-2017, 03:00 AM
Granted. But rules are rules - gotta go with the first one. Congratulations, you can no longer think of anything to wish for.

I wish for all of MY debts to be fully paid off forever. :e2tongue:

DrDLN
12-30-2017, 05:04 AM
Granted. No more debts

I wish I feel like a teenager again....

NathanBrazil
12-30-2017, 05:07 AM
Wait, what???? *Reads rulez.* :rulez Erm. NightFly is particularly evil and deserves a good dose of evil in return. I'm going to pass DrDLN's wish to the next person while I hunt down my sanity.

Nightfly
12-31-2017, 12:23 AM
(Still hunting NB? Wear safety orange)

Granted DrDLN, enjoy feeling like a teenager again. Ah, what fun. Peer pressure. Trying to hide a boner in class. And what are those, pimples? Gross!

I wish I was a pro snowboarder.

NathanBrazil
01-01-2018, 12:14 AM
*Flips through the list of allowable wishes – snow beast …* what? Who ripped out these pages? I’ve got snow beast on one side and snow globe on the other. Sorry, Night. Rules are rules. You have been transformed into a small snow beast – small enough to fit inside this snow globe. On the plus side, we’ve given you gills, so you can breathe under water.

I wish for 5 billion dollars. I’m not greedy, though. I’m going to give a small percentage to the one who grants this wish. .00001 percent, which amounts to $50,000.

Nymtoc
01-01-2018, 01:44 AM
Granted. But the Genie is not greedy and doesn't give a fig about the $50,000. You'll soon have 5 billion $$$, but get ready to be arrested, since the money--in marked bills--came from a half century of unsolved armored bank robberies.

I wish to win an Oscar.

Nightfly
01-03-2018, 12:02 AM
Granted. Words of advice: 1. Don't mix him up with the recycling. 2. Don't bang on his trash can. (I overheard him talking to Big Bird about getting a Glock so don't let things escalate.)

I wish Liam Neeson would stop making the same movie over and over again.

NathanBrazil
01-03-2018, 09:35 AM
Granted. We’ve cancelled all of the future movies for that series – the one that should not be named. Just a few moments ago I received a phone call. He either said ‘7 days’ or he rambled on and on about his mad cooking skills and how very much he would like to meet whomever was responsible for canceling the series. I hope you don’t mind – I gave him your username. He said that was all he’d need.

I wish for a holographic keyboard – one that has worked out all the kinks.

NathanBrazil
01-20-2018, 11:55 PM
It turns out that even after bending the laws of time and space, we were still not able to make that stupid keyboard work. Instead we have loaned you a 13 year old kid that will act as an intermediary between you and your keyboard and mouse. He just needs a slap in the back of the head and a few choice words, and will do as asked – most of the time.

I wish that we could breathe life back into this thread.

Nymtoc
01-21-2018, 12:34 AM
Granted. The Genie is giving you a large balloon. You must keep blowing into it till life returns to this thread. (Caution, it may pop. :roll:)

I wish I could wake up and find that the past year in US politics was nothing but a dream. :e2shrug:

M.S. Wiggins
01-22-2018, 12:30 AM
Granted, but… (you see it already, right?→) it was a nightmare. It’s an ongoing nightmare to boot and the only way you’ll ever see the dawn unfreeze is to wake with new ambitions of running for president in 2020. (I’ll vote for you if you whisper sweet platforms in my ear.)

I wish friends & family would consider Uber or Lyft instead of texting me when needing to-and-fro airport rides.

Marissa D
01-22-2018, 01:27 AM
Granted! Guess what? You now drive for Uber...

I wish I had more bookcases, because my book collection overfloweth.

NathanBrazil
01-22-2018, 03:34 AM
As your books overfloweth, so do the bookcases. They seem to sprout out of the floor. You’ve got plenty of place for your books but not much else. If you climb over the maze of bookcases, you can reach a sink, a microwave and the bunny door.

I wish I had more time for family, so that I could reconnect with cousins that I haven’t seen for years.

Marissa D
01-27-2018, 03:58 AM
Granted! You now have lots of free time to spend with cousins you haven't seen in years...all of whom in the intervening time since you've seen them seem to have taken up hobbies that they're very eager to share with you like greased pig wrestling, painting on black velvet, and cooking meth.

I wish I'd learned to ice skate when I was a kid.

NathanBrazil
01-27-2018, 04:53 AM
*Greased pig wrestling doesn't sound so bad.*

And how am I supposed to do that? I am not magician. Hmm. *Roots around in Marissa’s brain and finds the tapes of her life.* Ah hah! Granted! We’ve spliced in a few memories. If you don’t recognize yourself, that’s because we swiped a tape of my third cousin’s niece ... And there was an accident in the lab. Somebody burned the tape where you learned to read. Not sure how that will change things.

I wish typing would burn as many calories as running on a treadmill.

ESGrace
02-08-2018, 09:04 PM
How about one o'these? https://goo.gl/images/3jqCvd

Genie is generous and makes it so you can't type UNLESS you run. Great for your heart rate, questionable for your productivity.

I wish people were more polite.

- - - Updated - - -

Er I tried to add an image of a treadmill desk. Clearly, I did not succeed.

Nymtoc
02-08-2018, 09:32 PM
Granted. People keep saying, "Have a nice day!" as they slam doors in your face.

I wish the temperature outside my house was 72 degrees right now.

Marissa D
02-10-2018, 08:11 AM
Granted! It's a lovely 72 degrees outside your house...but in order to make it that warm, genie had to suck all the ambient warmth out of the inside of your house, and it's now somewhere around absolute zero in there. On the bright side, your refrigerator won't have to work hard.

I wish I could get up in the morning and not be anxious about what the headlines in the newspaper will be when I go online.

Nymtoc
02-11-2018, 03:26 AM
Granted. The Genie has arranged for just one newspaper to appear on your monitor from now on--The Morning Sunshine. In tomorrow's headlines: "Mr. Smithers Mows His Lawn," "Bobby Drimmel Gets a Puppy," "Mrs. Delgado Bakes an Apple Pie," and "Everything's Coming Up Roses."

I wish a fantastic dinner would be delivered to me in the next half hour.

NathanBrazil
02-16-2018, 10:24 AM
Once again a time sensitive wish. Feeling partially responsible for this oversight, (I think the words I'm looking for are benign neglect) I am going to roll back time to February 10th to accommodate your wish. I couldn't cram the entire book on parallel universes and time slips in the time remaining, so I just ordered a pizza instead. Unfortunately, you've branched onto another time line. You can course correct if you find the Delorean in The Steampunk Siren's Sassy Sippin' Saloon thread.

I wish for a tasty dessert like Capirotada with all the yum and no calories.

Azdaphel
02-16-2018, 06:07 PM
Granted! You'll have the most tasty dessert ever conceived. I am sure you will enjoy it as much as your tapeworm.

I wish for the best game ever.

CDSinex
02-19-2018, 03:32 AM
Granted: You were in great form, scored three goals and got two assists, but, sorry to say you lost 7-5.

I wish neighbors would move far away.

Nymtoc
02-19-2018, 07:49 AM
Granted. They have moved far, far away. But new neighbors have moved in, and...well, wait till you get a load of them! :evil :evil :evil :evil :evil :evil

I wish I had a pet kangaroo.

shakeysix
02-22-2018, 08:01 PM
And here he is. To make things more interesting, he is a Boxing Kangaroo. He is being shipped from Wagga-Wagga and will be at your doorstep in just 8-12 weeks. Likely he will be a little pissed off. Hope you have your gloves on when you open the box.

Wish my twin kittens could play outside today.

Nymtoc
02-22-2018, 09:00 PM
Granted. The weather is uncommonly nice, and you allow your twin kittens to play outside. Soon a limo comes by, and a lady in the back seat says to her chauffeur, "Stop here, James! Oh, what darling little kittens! The grandchildren will love them!" A fast catnapping is effected, and the limo drives off. Oh, well, maybe you can acquire some new twinsies someday.
:e2cat: :e2cat:


I wish I didn't have to sit here all day waiting for the plumbers to come fix my damned drain!

Marissa D
02-22-2018, 09:15 PM
Granted! You feel an odd sensation in your backside. Disconcerted, you rise from your seat--and begin to dance! After a bit the dancing shifts into skipping around in circles. Then you find yourself standing on your head, after which the dancing resumes, to be followed by standing on one leg like a stork. The plumber doesn't arrive until 4:45, and you haven't sat down all day.

I wish the weather today was as warm and sunny as it was yesterday.

NathanBrazil
02-26-2018, 02:32 AM
Granted! I’m sure you’ve heard of the Miser brothers. We commissioned them and apparently a petty squabble broke out between the two. Yes, you shall get your warmth in the form of blistering heat, but you’ll also get sub-zero temps (I didn’t know there was such a thing.)

I wish that the recent gas price trend would reverse itself.

Azdaphel
03-04-2018, 06:41 PM
Granted! You no longer have to worry about gas price. In fact, you can't put a price on something that doesn't exist anymore.

I want to be God.

Nymtoc
03-04-2018, 10:59 PM
Granted. Well, not really. But everybody calls you "God" in your padded cell--because if they don't, you throw a fit.

I wish I could speak 50 languages.

M.S. Wiggins
03-14-2018, 02:46 AM
Granted. You now speak (meaning: can understand and translate) 21 dialects of general goddledygook, 20 of political hogwash, and you're fluent in 9 poppycock regional accents. As an added bonus, I grant you exclusivity in horse-shit fluidity.

I wish my preferences ran more dime-store budget than 'Rockafeller' taste.

Nymtoc
04-08-2018, 08:11 PM
Granted. But there are no more dime stores (the last Woolworth's Five and Dime closed in 1997), so your wish has been shifted to eBay, where your preferences will now be to order all kinds of fabulous things for pennies--for example, 10 beautiful thimbles from China for only 77 cents!

I wish I could learn to make better decisions.

Jason
04-08-2018, 08:27 PM
Granted, but those amazing decision making skills are only learned on the fourth Tuesday of every 11th month when Leap Year is in effect. Furthermore, in order to gain access to these skills, you must have the key made of goat ivory to open the door where the decision room exists. (I'm assuming you at least know where that is, right?)

I wish caffeine withdraw didn't give me headaches...

Nymtoc
06-22-2018, 11:09 PM
Granted. Now it gives you stomachaches.

I wish a certain weird-haired political figure would stay off my TV.

M.S. Wiggins
07-04-2018, 11:53 PM
Somewhat granted. Now he’s jalapeño twitter feed.

I wish for a simpler time, be it past, future, or somewhere-elsewhen. I’ll take anytime/anywhere at this point… just make it smarter (and saner!).

shakeysix
07-06-2018, 12:51 AM
ha. if you really wanted a simpler time you would move to Pawnee Rock, Kansas. No traffic, no crime, no stores, no banks, no doctors, no library, no movie thee-eighters, no wi-fi, no nothing but dust, tedium, dust and more tedium---unless the tornado sirens go off. NO WAY? I thought so. --s6

I wish the gentle folk of St. John Kansas were not so simple.

porlock
07-07-2018, 09:11 PM
Granted, but now it's turned into a Peyton Place run by the people of " The Young and the Restless," and they changed the name to "Harper Valley."

I wish I had more energy.

NathanBrazil
07-27-2018, 02:51 PM
You do. In fact you have so much energy, lightning bolts shoot out of your fingers every quarter hour. The neighbors are complaining about flickering lights, radio stations being picked up from metal fillings, and one fried pot belly pig, but they don't dare approach you, because they never know when you're going to discharge. But not to worry, the military has taken an interest in your new found ability.

I wish I had more coffee.

Kjbartolotta
08-08-2018, 01:28 AM
I wish I had more coffee.

You do! You've had coffee this entire time, if only you believe in yourself. But I didn't think you were drinking it, so that's where I've been putting my cigarettes out.

I wish I was less of a pessimist.

Robots
08-08-2018, 03:01 AM
Granted, but now you're so optimistic about everything that you don't see obvious risks anymore and sink your entire fortune into worthless bonds.


I wish my internet was fast enough to load these pages properly.

NathanBrazil
08-12-2018, 04:42 AM
Granted! It does. Everything loads so much faster that it can't keep up. It loads your keyboard, desk, office, and soon forms a mini-black hole. It doesn't stop until it has consumed your entire house, then closes with a clap of thunder.

I wish I didn't have to work on weekends.

Robots
08-12-2018, 12:50 PM
Granted. Now you don't work on weekends anymore, but you don't work on the other days of the week either - for your boss has fired you.

(Sadly, not entirely fictional. I used to work with a paranoic boss who'd come in on weekends and evenings and check to see if things at your desk had shifted place, i.e. to find out if you had been there. He also took note of what times your jacket was hanging there and if in doubt he would question other colleagues if or when a certain person had arrived. None of the required extra work was paid, mind you.)


I wish the sky was always clear.

NathanLyle
08-13-2018, 10:57 AM
Granted. It will never rain again. All the rivers and lakes will dry up and your town will turn into a lifeless desert.


I wish I had the power to freeze time.

porlock
08-13-2018, 05:16 PM
Granted, but you caused a temporal paradox and no one can move, resulting in people becoming statues.

Wish I was more organized.

NathanLyle
08-20-2018, 07:46 PM
Granted. You are now a filing cabinet.

I wish for world peace.

ritelife4ever
08-23-2018, 05:44 PM
Granted! Human beings go extinct.

I wish for genius-level intellect.

GreenGrape
08-23-2018, 06:25 PM
Granted! But now you'll lose all motor skills.

I wish to lose weight by watching other people exercise.

ritelife4ever
08-23-2018, 06:38 PM
Granted, but now everyone around you is exercising so much you lose all your fat and muscle and are now just skin and bones.

I wish I could overcome procrastination.

DanielSTJ
08-23-2018, 06:58 PM
Granted, but you can only focus on trivial details.

I wish for infinite time.

shakeysix
08-23-2018, 07:11 PM
You do have infinite time. Sadly, you will be nonexistent throughout the vast majority of your infinite time.

Wish the Freshmen boys would stop confusing soap and water with aftershave cologne.

porlock
08-23-2018, 07:19 PM
Granted, but I thought time was infinite anyway (I'd ask Carl Sagan but he's somewhere on the other side of the cosmos).


Wish I understood string theory.

DanielSTJ
08-23-2018, 08:06 PM
Granted, but you ONLY understand string theory.

Wish I had a limitless Amazon gift card.

porlock
08-23-2018, 08:10 PM
Granted, but now your house looks like an Amazon warehouse and the city has cited you for blocking traffic.


Wish I had a planet all to myself

DanielSTJ
08-23-2018, 08:11 PM
Granted, but it's in a different galaxy far, far away.

I wish I had a publishing deal. ;)

ritelife4ever
08-24-2018, 07:39 AM
Granted but the terms of the deal state that you must stand on your head at every book signing.

I wish I was more confident.

DanielSTJ
08-24-2018, 02:48 PM
Granted, but now you are OVERCONFIDENT. ;)

I wish I had unlimited pasta and sauce. :greenie

Summer89
08-24-2018, 08:38 PM
Granted but it is a few week old.

I wish I owned a yacht

starrystorm
08-24-2018, 08:59 PM
Granted but it's missing the front half.

I wish I could time travel.

Vida Paradox
08-24-2018, 10:19 PM
Granted, but you don't have anything to counter against the Paradoxes. Soon enough, you'll accidentally set an event to motion that stops you from time traveling in the first place and creating a world-breaking paradox.

I wish I have an AI Partner...

DanielSTJ
08-24-2018, 11:52 PM
^^ Granted, but its a replicant and you're suddenly in Blade Runner.

I wish I had free lunches.

Vida Paradox
08-25-2018, 12:12 AM
Granted, but it was stolen from the Orphans.

I wish I own a TARDIS...

ritelife4ever
08-26-2018, 05:16 PM
Granted, but to work it needs to consume your life energy.

I wish I were good-looking.

NathanLyle
08-28-2018, 01:49 AM
granted. you now have perfect eyesight.

I wish everyone would always do exactly what I say.

ritelife4ever
08-29-2018, 04:14 PM
Granted, now everyone besides you is a dog.

I wish it were the perfect temperature every day.

Vida Paradox
08-29-2018, 05:34 PM
Granted, but it's the same day every day because time just stopped existing and everything froze in stasis of reality.

I wish I can meet my true love in person...

Cascada
08-29-2018, 05:52 PM
Granted. But you're surgically attached at the hips so you have to do everything together...forever...and ever.

I wish I was a beautiful elf like Arwen from The Lord of the Rings.

BradCarsten
08-29-2018, 06:05 PM
Granted. But you're surgically attached at the hips so you have to do everything together...forever...and ever.

I wish I was a beautiful elf like Arwen from The Lord of the Rings.

Granted, but the only person who can see the transformation is you.

I wish I could journey between the past and present whenever I want.

Vida Paradox
08-29-2018, 06:28 PM
Granted, but you lose all the ability to interact with reality.

(Not bad I guess)

I wish everyone would just get along and tolerate each other

BradCarsten
08-29-2018, 07:38 PM
I wish everyone would just get along and tolerate each other

Granted but everyone loses the ability to communicate.

I wish I could write a best seller in one week.

DanielSTJ
08-29-2018, 08:17 PM
Granted, but it's Twilight: Redux. :greenie

I wish I could write a Pulitzer-winning collection of short stories.

BradCarsten
08-29-2018, 09:02 PM
Granted, but it's Twilight: Redux. :greenie
:rant::cry::ROFL:


I wish I could write a Pulitzer-winning collection of short stories.

Granted. But that's the only thing you'll ever publish.

I wish I could have a thick juicy steak with mashed potatoes :drool

Vida Paradox
08-30-2018, 08:08 PM
Granted, but it's cannibalism if you eat the steak.

I wish nobody grants my wish...

I wish I don't age...

Summer89
09-01-2018, 01:27 AM
Granted but now you are getting younger and younger. Soon you will be a toddler

I wish I had icecream

ritelife4ever
09-01-2018, 01:32 AM
Granted, but you can't taste it.

I wish I could read 500 words per minute.

BradCarsten
09-01-2018, 01:51 AM
Granted, but you won't remember what you just read.

I wish James Cameron would hurry up with Avatar 2.

Kjbartolotta
09-01-2018, 02:43 AM
Granted, but that means the Battle Angel Alia movie he was totes gonna actually make is now back in development hell.

I wish I had the ability to transform into a giant serpent.

starrystorm
09-01-2018, 02:54 AM
Granted, but now you can't turn back.

I wish the rain would stop.

ritelife4ever
09-01-2018, 06:13 AM
Granted, now the world's plants all wither and die because it never rains again. Then, all the animals and people die too because they suffocate with no oxygen produced from plants.


I wish I had the powers of Hiro Nakamura (from the TV show Heroes)

Summer89
09-01-2018, 12:05 PM
He was the time traveller/jumper guy? Granted but you can't stay rooted and keep hopping from place to place

I wish I had the ability to fly

BradCarsten
09-01-2018, 12:34 PM
Granted. You are now a horse fly.

I wish I had the ability to grant wishes.

Mishi
09-02-2018, 01:13 PM
Granted, but now you're a genie, awesome power itty bitty living space.

I wish this cold would go away.

NathanLyle
09-03-2018, 02:44 AM
granted. your cold has been replaced with dysentery.

I wish that I never got tired.

ritelife4ever
09-03-2018, 03:28 AM
Granted, you're never tired because you've fallen into a coma and so you're literally asleep all the time.

I wish my house were clean.

Albedo
09-03-2018, 03:34 AM
Granted. Your possessions have all been given to the poor, and your house is absolutely spotless.

I wish I could have as many carbs as I want.

ritelife4ever
09-03-2018, 05:54 AM
Granted. Your possessions have all been given to the poor, and your house is absolutely spotless.

I wish I could have as many carbs as I want.

Lol but I don't think even the poor would want my possessions.

NathanLyle
09-03-2018, 11:12 AM
I wish I could have as many carbs as I want.

Granted. Your metabolism is so fast that you have to spend every second of every day eating or else you'll collapse.

I wish I could instantly learn any language.

Vida Paradox
09-03-2018, 11:31 AM
Granted! But now you're mute.

I wish I have 5 BitCoin in my virtual account...

BradCarsten
09-03-2018, 12:04 PM
Granted, but you lost your password.

I wish I had Vida Paradox's password.

porlock
09-03-2018, 03:57 PM
Granted, but now you are Vida Paradox.

Wish that little black cloud would stop following me around.

Vida Paradox
09-03-2018, 05:24 PM
Granted, but now you are Vida Paradox.

Wish that little black cloud would stop following me around.

WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!?!?! Then what am I?!?!

Granted, but now your black cloud just turned into the god of lightning that will destroy everything you love!!!

(Too much?)

I wish somebody would undo BradCarsten's wish.

Please.

porlock
09-03-2018, 07:54 PM
Granted, now you are you and not Brad but now you actually have a sense of humor.

I wish I lived at the north pole.

NathanLyle
09-03-2018, 08:48 PM
Granted. I teleported you there naked and you froze to death.

I wish I could predict the future so I can stop you from tainting my wish

porlock
09-03-2018, 08:53 PM
Granted, but I'm outta here, the people on this thread are way too mean.

I wish these people would take themselves less seriously, this world is already too crazy.

ritelife4ever
09-03-2018, 09:03 PM
Granted, everyone turns into a clown. Now you're terrified of clowns.

I wish my kids loved to clean.

NathanLyle
09-04-2018, 06:22 AM
granted. now your kids all have OCD and you have to pay out of pocket for psychologist and prescription medications.

I wish that I knew what I know now when I was younger

The Second Moon
09-05-2018, 12:40 AM
now your past self knows about the future and they can never be surprised. I wish for a glass of water or two. (No, really that's what I want right now because I'm stuck at my little sister's piano class dying of thirst. :cry: )

Ugh twenty more minutes :(

ritelife4ever
09-05-2018, 07:26 AM
Granted, but it's all the water you'll ever get for the rest of your life.

I wish for more wishes.

NathanLyle
09-05-2018, 10:04 AM
Granted. but you didn't specify who gets those wishes. your great great great granddaughter will have a very easy life.

I wish for a polite genie that'll grant all the wishes I want without tainting them.

BradCarsten
09-05-2018, 11:15 AM
Granted. His name is Mike. He lives in a brass urn that I've dropped somewhere in the ocean. Have fun.

I wish I could slow down time and bring it back to normal speed again whenever I like.

DanielSTJ
09-09-2018, 05:39 AM
Granted, but it'll eventually break and you'll never know when.

I wish I could live the life of a poet.

CDSinex
09-22-2018, 11:07 PM
Granted. You now work the mid-day shift at the Starbucks in the local mall (at least until sales of your recently self-published chapbook take off.)

I wish I hadn't sold the '55 Chevy I drove in high school.

Vida Paradox
09-29-2018, 04:38 PM
Granted, but it was stolen instead.

I wish I have a personal server...

BurntPieCrust
10-07-2018, 07:29 AM
Granted, but there's a nefarious individual with your password that uses it's resources to host a plethora of questionable websites.....

I wish for omnipotence.

Azdaphel
10-08-2018, 12:39 PM
Granted. You can do anything you want. However, for anything you do, a disaster must occur. Just don't bring back the dead.

Nymtoc
10-09-2018, 09:49 AM
I wish Azdaphel had a wish. :hat:

Azdaphel
10-09-2018, 02:10 PM
I wish Azdaphel had a wish. :hat:

Sorry, I tried to do multiple things at the same time. It never worked but I always tried nonetheless.

I wish I could forgot I can have a wish.

BurntPieCrust
10-13-2018, 06:54 PM
granted, but that was the one time that the universe was actually going to grant that wish to you.

I wish I knew every word in existence.

Kjbartolotta
10-13-2018, 07:36 PM
Granted, but now you're hung up on 'Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis' and won't stop using it in conversation.

I wish I could get over my cold.