View Full Version : Your wish is granted...

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04-20-2017, 06:19 PM
Granted. Now your lawn is as barren as the Death Valley in California. Now it kills off all plant life that might grow in it, so it mows itself to a nice 0 inches.

I wish I had perfect good luck.

Mary Mitchell
04-20-2017, 09:07 PM
Granted. You have the good luck to be fired from a job that wasn't maximizing your potential, but you can't afford food. You have the good luck to receive anonymous food baskets full of healthy food, but you hate kale and miss chocolate. You have the good luck to be married to a perfect woman, and married men live longer, but your wife attracts all sorts of men and you spend your days in a miasma of jealously...

I wish my desk had endless space, all of it within reach.

04-20-2017, 09:23 PM
Granted. You have long rubbery, stretchy arms to reach as far as you might need, but we had to rob Peter to pay Paul. You've lost pretty much everything else, including legs, nose and mouth, etc. You're just a tiny circular blob with a single tiny eye (and really long arms) sitting upon your endless desk.

I wish 4/20 was a national holiday.

04-20-2017, 11:20 PM
Granted, 4/20 is officially the official holiday of Employment Cheer. You are now a plumber stuck in the New York sewer and Employment Cheer day is the holiday we show our appreciation to our employer by working a 24-hour shift. Unforchanantly, employers don't have to pay for the labor performed on Employment Cheer Day.

I wish my mortgage was paid off.

Mary Mitchell
04-22-2017, 03:23 AM
Denied. You don't deserve it for inventing Employment Cheer Day.

I wish the Galapagos Islands weren't so hard to get to.

04-22-2017, 04:10 AM
Granted. I've opened a portal inside of your fridge. Trips there are free, but the trip back will be 200$ deposited into my PayPal account. I'll PM you the info.

I wish I had a brain exercise machine that would allow me to zone out, watching endless hours of 70s sitcoms, but not turn my mind into mush.

Mary Mitchell
04-22-2017, 09:44 PM
Granted. Your brain is now addicted to exercise and won't leave the machine. Your body is wasting away from lack of food and exercise, and your once favorite chair has become unpleasantly stained.

I wish clouds rained money.

04-22-2017, 10:22 PM
Granted, but you're forced to spend it only on sketchy diet pills and self help books.

I wish the whole world found me irresistibly sexy.

04-22-2017, 11:11 PM
Granted! Not only people find you sexy, all the animals can't stay away from you too.

I wish my house cleaned itself.

04-23-2017, 04:22 AM
Granted.....your house has taken on a personality of it's own; but it's more of a Tony Curtis OCD type and swats you out each time it cleans......on the hour.

I wish they wouldn't invent driverless cars. It's too Tom Swift for me.

Mary Mitchell
04-23-2017, 05:22 AM
Granted. Instead you are a carless driver. Hope you have good weather waiting for the bus.

I wish popsicles didn't drip.

04-23-2017, 06:10 AM
Granted. Get yer granite hard strawberry flavored popsicles. Guaranteed to get rid of loose teeth.

I wish fer several rows of teeth like a shark's but much smaller and a pocket mouse that I can feed lint to and one of them Shetland ponies.

04-23-2017, 07:22 AM
Granted! Except now...you have a mouthfull of little shark teeth... what were you thinking! Meanwhile your Shetland pony and pocket mouse don't get along, noisily, which gives you headaches.

I wish my parents loved me.

04-23-2017, 05:13 PM
Granted....they love the fact that you moved out upon passing your exams and now live in priory in france where you perfect your monkish pole dancing skills. Strange, but meh....that's life.

I wish my feedback was more than just solicitors and back notices.

Mary Mitchell
04-24-2017, 03:57 AM
Granted. Your feedback now includes perpetual piercing shrieks from your guitar amp until it eventually blows your speakers (and your eardrums).

I wish over the rainbow was a real place.

04-24-2017, 04:38 AM
Lassie.....Over the Rainbow is real.....ya jus have to get a flight to old Eire......there, the rainbow will take ye away to a magical place.....to Knocknasheega where Darby and King Brian will await ya.

How come camels are so nasty.

04-24-2017, 04:49 AM
Nothing wished, nothing granted.

I wish people would come up to me on the street and ask for my autograph.

04-24-2017, 05:13 AM
Banned for not reading the previous poster's mind. Wait ... That's another thread. Sorry - somebody gave me the wrong script. Can I please get page 5?!!!!!

Ahem ..

Granted, you find that a host of people follow you continuously - constantly harassing you for autographs - even following you into the bathroom. I'm sorry you'll have to burn another wish to get rid of the pests.

I wish original story ideas came in pill form.

04-24-2017, 06:35 PM
Granted. Now there are creative idea pills, but to get one, you must become an indentured servant for five years to a jerk who wants you to do all the gross and difficult chores he doesn't want to do, like cleaning his plumbing, and pruning his collection of shaped hedges.

I wish I had a bank account with infinite money in it.

04-24-2017, 10:27 PM
Granted. You have an infinite moneyed account, the federal government is still finding all of the ways you have cheated on your taxes. Federal warrants are being issued as we speak.

I wish that happiness washed over me each time life brought me down.

Mary Mitchell
04-25-2017, 12:06 AM
Granted. Happiness washes over you like honey. Unfortunately, dirt sticks to honey, as does pet hair, pine needles...and flies! Yes, you definitely attract flies. I hesitate to mention bears. Do you live where there are bears?

I wish my cat wouldn't keep poking the corners of my screens loose.

04-25-2017, 03:51 AM
Granted. Ooops...i think my magical spell sent your cat into oblivion! Sorry about that!

I wish i was in Norway!

04-25-2017, 03:57 AM
Granted. You are booked for the first flight to Norway on United Airlines. You guessed it. They over-booked and you chose the short straw. They decided to push you out of the plane, mid-flight with a parachute made from recycled newspaper. On the plus side, you're over the ocean, so you still have a fighting chance.

I wish emotional baggage was recyclable.

04-25-2017, 01:19 PM
Granted! Unfortunately it recycles into physical baggage, so you have to slep a 100 pound bag around with you all day.

I wish the weed in my garden would magically disappear.

04-25-2017, 06:14 PM
Granted. Now you have a demon in your garden who eats weeds. On the downside, he also enjoys eating beloved pets and other cute animals, and leaving what he doesn't eat on your front doorstep.

I wish I could learn a subject of my choosing instantly, and become an expert in the field.

04-25-2017, 06:51 PM
Granted! You're a total expert in your chosen subject, but it really is the ONLY thing you know. So you don't have a clue how to tie your shoelaces.

I wish that a healthy meal would appear daily around dinner time.

Mary Mitchell
04-25-2017, 07:06 PM
Granted. But it's not for you. You get to drool watching everyone else eat while you chow down on hardtack and pemmican.

I wish I could visit Mars.

04-25-2017, 08:03 PM
Granted. You now have a one way trip to Mars, via catapult. You can choose when you launch yourself into space.

I wish healthy foods taste better than junk food.

04-25-2017, 08:11 PM
Granted. Healthy foods taste like heaven and junk food tastes like crap. But we have re-wired your brain to only crave crappy tasting food, cuz that's just the kind of people we are.

I wish I had an unit of special service, field mice that I could send on missions like quieting the neighbor's dog.

04-25-2017, 09:02 PM
Granted. You now have a bunch of mice running around to do your dirty work, but the casualty rate is high, due to all of the natural predators mice have, like cats, birds of prey, snakes, and other hazards specific to mice. At least they breed quickly.

I wish I had a box that I could store all of my story ideas in so I don't keep forgetting them later.

Mary Mitchell
04-26-2017, 03:00 AM
Granted. If you're reading this, you're probably sitting in front of it right now.

I wish lightning could be harnessed for environmentally friendly power.

04-28-2017, 07:07 PM
Granted. But the cost to build such towers costs "more than the world has (http://www.independent.co.uk/news/science/why-cant-we-extract-electricity-from-lightning-10162498.html)!" Since you've so frivolously spent all of the world's wealth, we have placed you in a small 12 by 12 cell, to determine what to do with you. More details in the next post.

I wish there were a game show that would allows us to control all of the world leaders for .... hmmm .... 1 hour.

04-28-2017, 11:28 PM
Granted. But when it's your turn, you get mixed up, and before you can stop him, Kim Jung Un launches--but I can't go on! :e2teeth:

I wish "happily ever after" happened in real life.

Mary Mitchell
04-29-2017, 05:05 AM
Granted. This is accomplished by putting an abrupt end to your "ever after" as soon as you start to feel less than happy. Keep smilin'. Your life may depend on it.

I wish chocolate milk on cereal was acceptable.

05-01-2017, 08:25 PM
I'm sorry. I know that this seems like a simple request, but this one change will cause the universe to tilt onto its side, then slide down a wormhole and we would then, of course, be sucked into a black hole.

I wish that the laws of physics were a little more malleable, making the following possible:
2 + 3 = pizza
5 - 3 = not cowbell

Mary Mitchell
05-02-2017, 04:44 AM
Granted. And 1 + 4 = Rumplestiltskin
7 x 1 = triangle
y = played
6 / 0 = some
pi = go eat

Solve: (1 + 4) y (7 x 1) (5 - 3) pi 6/0 (2 + 3)

I wish sleep could cure arthritis.

05-02-2017, 05:01 PM
Granted! Take 12 jiggers of vodka, 18 jiggers of soda, 4 jiggers of lime/lemon.....you sleep soundly and feel no pain.....

I wish it would rain..

05-02-2017, 05:34 PM
Granted. Now it's raining so much that every body of water within a ten mile radius has already flooded to five times their normal water level. Hope you've got a sturdy boat!

I wish stupid people would recognize how stupid they were being and endeavor to become smarter.

05-02-2017, 05:58 PM
Furiously reading "Flowers for Algernon".

Hmmm. Yeah, that's not going to happen. Replaces all toys at the bottom of the cereal box with a card, which advertises the book, How to Become Smartz in 10 Easy Steps. Proceeds to go to yours truly. I know that's not exactly what you asked for, but hey, it's going to make me lots of monyez.

I wish that bottles and cans would recycle themselves, disappearing magically, and leaving the appropriate coin.

Mary Mitchell
05-03-2017, 01:26 AM
Granted. They recycle themselves into evil transformer robots and go about destroying the earth. But they do leave you the appropriate coin, which is $0 since you didn't have to expend any effort.

I wish tarantulas purred when you pet them.

05-03-2017, 03:00 AM
Easily granted! You 10' tall spider purrs like a VW bug and it wraps you into a silken nightshirt and gently lays you on a silken smooth web.....It's pincers snap back in forth in glee...... now that's love.

I wish I could be a fisherman

05-03-2017, 03:03 AM
Granted! You are indeed a fisherman. You are sent to fish for the souls who have been lost at sea. You definitely do not want to answer for a slow drowning day!

I wish all ideas were good ideas.

05-03-2017, 03:07 AM
Denied! Sorry, but that idea for Garbage Disposal Hand Cleaning Glove just wasn't too good......specially with the disposer running...... yeah....

I wish high school year books didn't cost so much..... 110$ WTF?

05-03-2017, 06:08 AM
Denied. Us journalism students need to pay for our cameras and supplies! But I will give you the family and friends discount, which adds up to 1% of your bulk purchase of at least five yearbooks.

I wish high school students would actually read the newspapers their peers put out. :Soapbox:

05-04-2017, 04:43 PM
Sooooo denied......it the newspaper was maybe in a cell phone format. Duhhhhh.....sheeeesh....kids don't have time to read papers.....unless it's a digital paper....then it's not a paper....right?

I wish these damn dumb kids would look both ways before crossing the school parking lot instead of being glued to their cell phones.

05-04-2017, 06:33 PM
Granted. Now all teenagers are ridiculously over cautious drivers, and are huge pains to be stuck behind.

I wish I had an ice cream cake that was easy to cut right out of the fridge and always magically regenerated all of the pieces I cut out of it.

05-04-2017, 07:31 PM
Granted. You have that cake. But the pieces you cut out of it that are magically restored are stuff from your gut that you have already digested. Bon Appétit! :e2cookie:

I wish I had a digital magic lamp.

Mary Mitchell
05-04-2017, 10:18 PM
Granted. Whenever you rub your digital phone, a genie appears and grants you whatever you had on your screen. Of course, you've just randomly rubbed a touch screen, so what you're about to receive from the genie is pretty much a crap shoot.

I wish bunnies lived forever.

05-05-2017, 03:27 AM
Granted! Everytime a bunnie passes on, you bury it in the Pet Cemetary....and it comes back the next day.....a bit odder though

I wish dogs were cool like cats.

Mary Mitchell
05-06-2017, 02:15 AM
Granted. You just have to supply them with black berets, sunglasses, cigarette holders and tee-shirts with skinny horizontal stripes and they will be, like, cool cats, man.

I wish I could see ultra violet.

05-06-2017, 05:51 AM
Granted. Ultra Violet left this world in 2014, but you can still see her in films like "Midnight Cowboy," "Cleopatra," "An Unmarried Woman," and "Curse of the Headless Horseman."

I wish Popsicles were more nutritious.

05-06-2017, 09:54 PM
Granted! Only popsicles now taste like cough sirup.

I wish it was 5 days of weekend, 2 days of work.

Mary Mitchell
05-07-2017, 01:06 AM
Granted. Of course, you can no longer afford to do things you like to do on weekends, there being so many weekend days to fill with entertainment and so few days of earning.

I wish I had Herculean strength.

05-08-2017, 08:50 AM
Granted. You have the strength of Hercules Fosburn, age 4, who lives at the corner of my block. He's a cute little kid and can tie his own shoes.

I wish I could see any movie I want just by thinking about it.

05-08-2017, 07:47 PM
Granted. Unfortunately we've had to make some major modifications. You're head may feel a little heavy, you may experience whistling in your left ear, and you'll tend to bump into things much more frequently.

I wish smells came in colors to give fair warning.

Mary Mitchell
05-09-2017, 06:04 AM
Granted. Unfortunately we had to trade the use of your legs to get that feature. You can now see the smell coming but can't get away. You now suffer the anticipation as well as the actual occurrence.

I wish batteries lasted forever.

05-09-2017, 07:47 PM
Granted. "Battery...All guns, torpedo tubes, searchlights, or missile launchers of the same size or caliber or used for the same purpose, either installed in one ship or otherwise operating as an entity."* last forever.

*Dictionary of Military and Associated Terms. US Department of Defense :greenie

I wish I didn't have to sleep.

05-09-2017, 09:10 PM
GRANTED! You don't have to sleep ever again. The lack of sleep will nurture manic episodes and everyone knows that mania empowers creativity! ! !

Look at Van Gogh! He was sleepless for eight days before painting Starry Night! Then there was the masterpiece, Selfie with Bloody Bandage. Of course he chickened out after only lopping off one ear, but not you, Nymmie. I am granting you the mania to lop off any body part you find a nuisance to your art!

I wish I had the nerve to read the expiration date on the lunchmeat I plan to have for lunch.

05-09-2017, 09:21 PM
Granted. You do and you see that this particular meat expired in 1431 before lunch meat was even invented. But being the blue eyed floozy that you are, you bravely apply it to your mad sandwich creation.

I wish I had a bottle of time pills that would either speed up or slow down time ... or maybe move diagonally through time.

05-09-2017, 10:39 PM
Granted! You were personally met by Huey Lewis.....and the Newisttes....they gave you a new drug that did everything you wanted......however.....certain things on you have swollen, or changed color, or shrunk.....but you have notice this in fast time, then slow time....then no time......but you gotta a new drug.....

I wish I could make it to the NASCAR races this weekend.

05-10-2017, 05:26 PM
Granted. Now you cleared your schedule for the weekend. Unfortunately, that involved cutting ties with everyone you've ever known and selling your kidney to the Mafia.

I wish that my doctors can figure out what's making me sick and cure it so I can go back to normal.

05-10-2017, 05:37 PM
Granted, you are now back in Normal, Tennessee. Send a postcard.

I wish that two big holes would appear in my yard to accommodate the two peach trees that I foolishly bought yesterday. I love peaches. I hate to dig.

05-10-2017, 07:15 PM
Granted. We've converted your trees to the first self-digging trees. The first tree planted itself without issue, but the 2nd went rogue and kept digging and unfortunately you know have a sinkhole in your backyard.

I wish that there was a paper that worked like an Etch-A-Sketch. Just give it a vigorous shaking and all the pencil markings magically disappear.

Mary Mitchell
05-12-2017, 06:22 AM
Granted. But that treasure map you copied out in pencil? Guess what happened to it in your pocket as you excitedly ran to get your shovel.

I wish long hair didn't take so long to dry.

05-12-2017, 05:55 PM
Granted. Now long hair is always a dry as the Sahara Desert.

I wish that there was a secret hidey hole in my house where I could get away from all of the noisy people around me.

05-12-2017, 06:08 PM
Granted--you'll find it at the back of this wardrobe. Upon entering, you are seized by your creative muse and begin to write page after page about talking beavers and fauns and a wicked icy witch-queen. Oh, and a lion. After 6 months of pure creation time, you exit, are published and immediately sued for plagiarism.

I wish my weeds would pull themselves

05-12-2017, 06:21 PM
Granted. Now they pull themselves out of the ground to invade your house.

I wish I had an intelligent monkey to be my butler.

05-12-2017, 07:50 PM
Granted. But he still flings poop at your house guests.

I wish I had a Triple Crown winning thoroughbred

Mary Mitchell
05-13-2017, 03:10 AM
Granted. But unbeknownst to you, the horse is deathly allergic to roses, and as they throw the blanket of roses over him in the winner's circle he collapses to the ground, gasping and wheezing, and dies. You are now the proud owner of a 16 hands high pile of dog food.

I wish plot ideas grew on trees.

05-13-2017, 03:38 AM
Granted. However, the only known orchard of said trees is located in North Korea, right outside the unicorn lair (https://www.theguardian.com/world/2012/nov/30/unicorn-lair-discovered-north-korea).

I wish I could do my first of high school over again and get better grades.

05-13-2017, 04:41 AM
Granted. But you are visibly overage now, and people consider you a freak. The school thinks you may be some kind of spy, and the kids say you are weird and pour molasses in your locker. After the year is up, your grades are minimally better than before, but they are nothing to shout about.

I wish I could develop a technology that would earn me millions of dollars.

Theodore Koukouvitis
05-13-2017, 04:47 AM
Granted. But your technology has been copied by everyone who's now making millions of dollars just like yourself. The US dollar has been depreciated. Enjoy your $2.5 billion coffee.

I wish I had the ultimate control of the universe.

Mary Mitchell
05-14-2017, 03:18 AM
Granted. Oh--but it's not this universe, and you have no idea what you're doing, and your first act accidentally brings about your untimely demise.

I wish bats made good housepets.

05-14-2017, 10:02 PM
Granted. But you are the proud owner of a vampire bat and guano is all over your house.

I wish my book was an instant best seller

Mary Mitchell
05-15-2017, 05:39 AM
Granted. It's a best selling university geography textbook. Your name is a household word in at least *removes one sock* eleven households.

I wish I could meet Harlan Coben.

05-15-2017, 05:45 AM
Granted!!!!!!!!!!!!!! On your way to a book signing....for Harlan Coben....you happen to run into a car.......driven by.....Harlan Coben. Yeah....good luck with that.

I wish I could meet Tanya Tucker

05-15-2017, 11:59 PM
Granted. She lives in the green-and-mustard-colored trailer about a mile down the road. She's fat and has two missing teeth and...oh, you meant some other Tanya Tucker?

I wish I could play the piano as well as the late Oscar Peterson.

Mary Mitchell
05-16-2017, 04:21 AM
Granted. Of course, the late Oscar Peterson is no longer as adept as he was when alive and animated. Your playing is, shall we say, a bit "stiff".

I wish I could ride to work on a panther.

05-19-2017, 09:30 AM
Granted. The panther tolerates you for a whole five minutes. You do survive the experience but have a great of rehab to get through.
I wish that Always Dreaming wins the Triple Crown.

05-19-2017, 03:56 PM
Granted.....after a nice sedative, Always Dreaming slumbers off......dreaming of the race.....and winning the Triple Crown every time; and smacking the loosing horses on the ass with the winner's flower display. Boooooyah!

I wish pollen didn't make my eyes feel so itchy.

Mary Mitchell
05-20-2017, 12:21 AM
Granted. It now makes them bleed. (You always suspected this day would come.)

I wish Leonard Cohen was alive and well and singing esoteric mystery lyrics in that x-rated dissipated voice again.

05-20-2017, 12:36 AM
The ask for something x-rated has the switchboard all abuzz. A-quiver if you will. I vunder where this wish will end up. We've granted your wish - Leonard Cohen is alive, but in exchange you're been relegated to a lifetime of soft porn C grade movies on the planet Venus. Yes the core of Venus is quite safe. You've got extra limbs and extra sex organs that you have no idea what purpose they serve.

I wish I could control the gravity of the moon - allowing me to control it's movements. And of course I'd like to charge an exorbitant amount for moon rides.

Mary Mitchell
05-21-2017, 12:34 AM
Granted. You now control how gravely--or obstreperously--the moon behaves. However, you still don't control where it goes. And none of the riders wanted to go toward Pluto and they're going to sue you--if they ever get back to earth.

I wish I had a license to kill.

05-21-2017, 12:54 AM
Granted! You have been inducted in MI6 and after training, are designated as 00M .....your co-agents just call you "Double Ott M"....or "Ohhmm'er" behind your back.

I wish laundry baskets didn't wear out so quickly

Mary Mitchell
05-22-2017, 02:01 AM
Granted. They are made of steel. Add in your (apparently very heavy and abrasive) laundry and you need to hire a gang of Sherpas to carry it down to your laundry room.

I wish someone would make shoes that were both comfortable and glamorous.

05-22-2017, 03:27 AM
Granted......you find you have an amazing set of ruby slippers that fit like magic.....and they cure your bunions, overnight......strangely enough.....you find that your suddenly in tornado alley and houses keep falling all around you. Odd, that.

I wish I could have a pet flying monkey

05-22-2017, 04:32 AM
Pet flying monkey. Awesome! No penalty - I like it. Here's your pet flying monkey.

I wish I could blend into the walls and travel from room to room without being seen, like they did in Graham Masterton's Walkers

Mary Mitchell
05-25-2017, 02:38 AM
Granted. As an invisible wallflower you are penalized for being absent at work, ostracized for apparently missing your grandmother's funeral and divorced for failing to show at your tenth anniversary party.

I wish weed lawns increased property values for being ecologically correct.

05-26-2017, 08:24 AM
Granted. You live in an area with very little water. Since you are forbidden to water your lawn weeds are the only thing you can get to grow.
I wish I knew where the Lost Dutchman is.

05-26-2017, 09:05 AM
Granted. His name is Gustaaf, and he's at the end of the bar.

I wish those people would pay me the money they owe me.

Mary Mitchell
05-27-2017, 04:20 AM
Granted. They pay you the twenty bucks. You go to put it in your wallet, but discover it's missing. Because they stole it. Where do you think they got the twenty bucks?

I wish I wasn't such a white-knuckle flyer.

05-28-2017, 08:04 AM
Granted. Take ten of these pills before you get on the plane. You won't have white knuckles...or...anything......

I wish I could star in a blockbuster movie.

Mary Mitchell
05-30-2017, 05:32 AM
Granted. Do you want to star in the original 1989 version or the 2009 remake (why...why...?) Oh, sorry, you said BLOCK-buster. My bad.

I wish stains on clothes were an acceptable fashion thing.

05-30-2017, 05:42 AM
Granted. The stains on your clothes are totally fashionable in the milieu where the Genie has transported you--the hobo community down by the abandoned train station.

I wish I had a tree house.

Mary Mitchell
06-02-2017, 06:23 AM
Granted. But loggers mistakenly think your permanent residency is a protest against clear cutting, and the cops and military and opposing protesters arrive, and after a huge melee with several injuries and one near-death, you are hauled off to jail and your house is cut down to make toothpicks and toilet paper.

I wish we could wear those fancy feather masquerade masks anywhere.

06-02-2017, 07:47 AM
granted. unfortunately you choose to wear yours while strolling through a Kansas wheat field on the second Saturday in November--Opening day of pheasant season! Run Mary! Run! If you can just make it till the 31st of January you will be okay!

I wish that someone tall would come and fix my ceiling fan. It is getting damned hot in here!

06-02-2017, 08:40 AM
Granted. James Comey (6' 8") comes by and offers to fix your ceiling fan. But first you have to be fingerprinted, pass a polygraph test, and reveal any criminal activity in your past. You pass the test, and because you are an honorable person, you admit that when you were four years old, you stole three jacks (one red, one green and one yellow) from Melinda Lou Wigglesworth--but a year later you gave them back. Mr. Comey praises you for your honesty and fixes your ceiling fan. You offer him lemonade, but he declines, saying something about being expected to do some boring stuff in Washington.

I wish I had a hat that is like no other in the world.

Mary Mitchell
06-03-2017, 05:14 AM
Granted. It's a concoction of bubble wrap, corn husks and lead. The lead gives you a crick in your neck and makes the headpiece too heavy to toss away quickly after the corn husks attract rats. But worst is the bubble wrap--strangers can't seem to resist invading your personal space to pop the bubbles, and your hat is rapidly deflating. Fail.

I wish whoever did the drywall taping in our house a slow and painful death.

06-05-2017, 10:27 AM
Granted. You forgot all about it, but you did the drywall taping yourself. :evil

I wish Mary could take that wish back.

06-05-2017, 07:08 PM
Granted. But this particular reversal has started a chain reaction that skewed time. The upshot is that 3 years of posts have been removed, you wake up hungover in a bar in Zihuatanejo, and you've lost 10 years and 30 pounds.

I wish we could have a spinner that allows you to either remove or add years of your life.

Mary Mitchell
06-07-2017, 08:28 AM
Granted. In your enthusiasm, you make an excessively hard spin and subtract 500 million years. You are now a trilobite, creeping through the sediment at the bottom of shallow water, stirring up mud and filtering it for food. You lack the ability to spin the thingy in the opposite direction and recover from your mistake.

I wish my dog would stop humping my leg.

M.S. Wiggins
06-07-2017, 07:03 PM
Granted. She will when she's finished. Then it's the cat's turn.

I wish I could get that humperdink image out of my head.

06-07-2017, 07:12 PM
Granted. But so many Humperdink images to choose from ... you have been punished for not being more specific. We have surgically removed that portion of your brain and replaced it with a slice of Walter Bishop's brain. You've lost a couple years of college and you are obsessed with the number 28.

I wish I could use my left eyeball for news updates.

Mary Mitchell
06-09-2017, 07:07 AM
Granted. You are the proud wearer of the first "smart" contact lens. Unfortunately, you fell asleep wearing it, and the nonstop political news coverage overloaded your brain. You now believe you are Donald Trump.

I wish I had someone to play 3-D scrabble with.

06-09-2017, 07:54 AM
Granted. Though by some a weird twist of fate a bug was smeared over the number 3 of your wish and now reads like 4. Every 10 seconds you jump a couple minutes forward or backward in time randomly as you're playing 4-D scrabble.

I wish I could control gravity in whichever room I'm in. I think I might sleep better on the ceiling some nights.

06-09-2017, 05:54 PM
Granted. But gravity is a very tricky thing. By reversing it you upset more than just your room--you reverse the spin of the entire galaxy. Have fun in your black hole.

I wish I hadn't forgotten to buy milk, because I have nothing to put on my cereal this morning.

06-09-2017, 06:51 PM
Better than a milk memory machine I am granting you an old fashioned milk man. His name is Frank. He has strawberry blonde curls, is wiry and athletic from carting all those bottles of milk and cream--and he likes to chase... stuff. Better yet, he is a listener. Yup--he loves nothing better than to share a cup of sympathetic tea with unhappy housewives. Right now he holds the record for the most broken marriages in our small town. And he is not above chasing any woman , regardless of age and compliance, around a kitchen. Things are getting a little warm for him, here, from the masculine element.

He is looking to move to the big city and when I told him about the job, he was agreeable to the move. He asked if you had a sister or a mother. He is a little sleazy, but the milk is always on time and cold. --s6

I wish I knew how to rid Neil Diamond of his thrips. (He's a rose)

Mary Mitchell
06-11-2017, 12:16 AM
Granted. You now know how to rid Neil Diamond of his thrips. Oh...you expected me tell you how? Well, no. It's you who knows how, not me.

I wish I could make money off a beat box recording made up entirely of my husband's farts.

06-11-2017, 02:18 AM
AND I DO!!! I googled thrips this morning! This might be a FIRST for an actual wish coming true on this thread.

As for your husband's rhythmic farting--Not going near that one! --s6

06-11-2017, 03:31 AM
Shakey failed to make a wish! Or if she did, I can't figure out what it was. Therefore, I will create a wish for her, with a response:

Shakey: I wish people around here would wake up and smell the coffee.

The Genie: Wish denied. Everybody sleeps late these days, and the coffee's so cold it's starting to form a scum on top. (You really think you can change people's minds? You can lead a horse to water, etc.)


I wish I had a Tesla.

06-11-2017, 04:20 AM
As long as I don't have to smell Mary's husband...well, you can get the rest.


Tesla: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qLm3HMG8IhM

I wish never to get stuck in Lodi! --s6

06-11-2017, 07:47 PM
Granted. You get stuck in Franklin, a ghost town in Douglas County, KS. Your car broke down and your phone doesn't work. :e2bummed:

I wish I had penetrating sci-fi eyes that could bend people to my control.

Mary Mitchell
06-13-2017, 07:14 AM
Granted. But when you close your eyes your control ends, and the subjects of your manipulation rise up and exact revenge by killing you in your sleep.

I wish fruit roll-ups came in carpet-sized rolls.

06-14-2017, 06:09 AM
Granted. But now the roll-ups can bite back.

I wish I could grow citrus in Chicago.

06-14-2017, 06:49 PM
Granted: The myth of climate change has happened! Chicago is now a hot box like Florida......and you have a citrus tree in your front yard. being inspected monthly by the Department of Agriculture.......bad news.....you have the canabis citrus version....not legal there. Bummer.

I wish the US would exit the European Union.......Armxit....or Amxit.

Mary Mitchell
06-15-2017, 02:35 AM
Granted. It was quite a trick, the US not being a member of the EU to begin with. The perpetrator of said trick is so powerful he has now subjugated the free world to his bidding, and we are all now employed picking up Cerberus's doggy poop (three heads, not three asses, thank goodness).

I wish there was a profitable use for dog poop.

06-19-2017, 08:33 AM
Granted. Ever heard of organic gardening?
I wish I had my own private spaceship.

06-19-2017, 08:23 PM
Granted. In trying to operate the bajilion year old alien technology, you leave the Earth at warp speed, never to return.

I wish I was an Oscar Meyer wiener.

Mary Mitchell
06-20-2017, 05:27 AM
Granted--partially. You're definitely a wiener.

I wish harem pants were acceptable office attire.

06-21-2017, 09:00 AM
Granted. You are kidnapped by an Arabian sheik and become an attendant to his favorite.
I wish the culled books would grow legs and walk away.

Mary Mitchell
06-22-2017, 05:44 AM
Granted. "Bookmarks" are now reinterpreted as muddy footprints on your carpet.

I wish I still had one of those outside sloping cellar doors to slide down, like when I was a kid.

Marissa D
06-23-2017, 05:07 AM
Granted! Except yours is made of wood...not very well sanded wood. Splinters ensue.

I wish my dishwasher weren't quite so loud.

06-23-2017, 06:19 AM
Granted! Your dishwasher gets up in the middle of the night and very silently eats all of your plates and cups then leaves out the back door in search of a family that will treat him properly.

I wish I could take my brain out and unplug for a few hours - to de-stress.

Mary Mitchell
06-29-2017, 05:19 AM
Granted. Of course, without your brain, you can't find your brain when you want it back--which you never will, because you need your brain in order to want something. Looks like you're going to be permanently de-stressed--and a very uninteresting conversationalist at parties.

I wish my work hours hadn't recently doubled but my pay still had. *she said, subtly explaining her recent drop in participation*

06-29-2017, 06:33 AM
And you expect us to believe that nonsense - even if it is true - we still won't believe you. Because we're pig-headed.

So, wait - you want me to turn back time so that your hours had --- My head is starting to hurt. Genie does not like complicated wishes.

Bad Mary!

You get the penalty box. You travel to a planet that's name is so complicated it needs a language with 5000 letters to type it, and I don't have that keyboard. The inhabitants are particularly cruel. They keep pulling apart your body and putting it back together, all while laughing maniacally. And well when they're done, you're just like a big bag of marbles.

I wish I had a phone that would allow me to reach across the line through the other phone and rearrange things, steal stuff, and cause other nefarious mischief.

06-30-2017, 01:16 AM
Granted. But the person on the other side can reach back. You stole $5. They stole your car keys.

I wish I wasn't allergic to dogs.

Mary Mitchell
06-30-2017, 05:49 AM
Granted. But dogs are the only things you aren't allergic to. You must now go through life encased in a complete St Bernard pelt to filter all the other allergens. It's hot, smelly, attracts fleas, and the local vet keeps giving you rabies shots and heart worm tests. And because the pelt was from a female, everyone (still) calls you a bitch.

I wish bears made good house pets.

06-30-2017, 10:46 AM
Oh, come on, Mary, you know that's a silly wish. But the Genie always does his best, so he has arranged for a family of brown bears--a male, a female and four cubs--to be delivered to your house. They are being shipped under mild sedation, so they will make excellent pets when they arrive. After the sedation wears off, you're on your own.

I wish my sink wasn't plugged up.

Marissa D
06-30-2017, 08:09 PM
Granted! You find an amazing new product for unclogging drains, made from essence of black holes. Unfortunately, your entire bathroom has just slurped down into the resultant event horizon.

I wish someone would invent quiet fireworks.

M.S. Wiggins
07-01-2017, 02:18 AM
Granted, but any wish granted comes with consequences, and therefore the quiet fireworks now burden you by way of scent—better known as the silent fart. (Might want to light a few candles—non-Roman.)

I wish my toes got along better with one another; they tend to argue when I go for a run and the aftermath is a blistered pain-in-the-feet battlefield.

07-01-2017, 08:00 PM
Your feet no longer blister! ...because they are made of pure iron now. It's kinda hard to run now because your feet are so heavy, but you think you'll get used to it one day. As long as you never think too hard about whether or not your flesh body will remain attached to your metal feet.

I wish I could live happily without having to sleep.

Mary Mitchell
07-03-2017, 04:28 AM
Sorry, that's two wishes. And nobody blanketly gets the "live happily" one, or this thread would have to fold, and we can't have that, can we. Besides, if your living happily meant you could do without sleep, the second wish would be redundant.

However, since it's not currently redundant, your second wish is now granted. You can do without sleep. Missing those crazy dreams, and lonely when everyone who isn't working night shift is in bed, you wander the streets, trying to avoid muggers and pretending not to witness the odd petty theft. However, when are spotted watching murder take place, attempts to eliminate you as a witness ensue. Trembling in hiding for days, you eventually gather up whatever you can carry with you and sneak out of town, leaving no forwarding address. Your self imposed witness protection program loses you your house, your job, your friends and, forever, your peace of mind. Enjoy.

Oops--Nathan reminded me I forgot to wish (because my life is so fulfilled :ROFL:)

I wish I wasn't so forgetful.

07-03-2017, 05:13 AM
Granted. However, this is a 24-hour grant, and tomorrow you'll be as forgetful as ever and wish for the same thing again.

I wish I could memorize Hamlet and play all the parts for an adoring audience.

07-03-2017, 09:26 AM
Granted. You act out Hamlet every day for your dog.
I wish I could go on a mission to Mars.

Marissa D
07-03-2017, 04:40 PM
Granted! You're on your way to Mars!

However, I hope you packed plenty of socks and underwear because you didn't say anything about coming back again, and there won't be a Target on Mars for another two centuries.

I wish we hadn't run out of half-and-half for my coffee this morning.

07-03-2017, 06:48 PM
Granted--your supply of Half and Half has been restored 100 fold. Unfortunately, only powdered dairy products can be transmitted from rural Kansas by Genie-wave. Duck, here comes the crop duster.

I hear my mail box slamming shut and the postman driving away. I wish that the box holds no ill will from cranky creditors today--s6

Mary Mitchell
07-03-2017, 10:48 PM
Granted. But the postman (oops, "mail delivery personage") will be knocking momentarily with a registered letter regarding a lawsuit for one million dollars *places tip of little finger against corner of mouth* because that squirrel you ran over last week was someone's pet.

I wish I wasn't so forgetful.

07-05-2017, 01:14 AM
:roll: love it, Mary.

Your wish is granted. You will now always remember that you've forgotten something, but not what that thing is.

I wish my upstairs neighbor wasn't so loud.

07-05-2017, 07:47 PM
Granted. Now your downstairs neighbor is twice as loud.

I wish my TV didn't show signs of decline.

07-05-2017, 08:04 PM
Your wish is granted. There is now a golf club through it.

I wish eggs tasted better.

Marissa D
07-05-2017, 08:09 PM
Granted! You think eggs are delicious...and your cholesterol is now hovering around 370.

I wish my fingernails grew less quickly.

07-05-2017, 08:42 PM
Granted. But we've had to compensate by making your limbs grow faster. Unfortunately things went a little haywire at the shop and you're limbs are extry 'specially long and somewhat rubbery. With the long limbs and the extra limb that is now growing from your left kneecap you may have trouble walking.

I wish I could create a new language that uses just eyebrow movements.

07-06-2017, 08:52 PM
You do, but it makes you look like a huge dork whenever you do it, so only equally big dorks learn your language. And you guys get made fun of.

I wish for something nice.

07-06-2017, 09:10 PM
Something nice??? After you made fun of me and my dorky friends??? Oh, really! Stirs a big pot - I got something nice for you - although mind you my definition of nice and yours - well they are quite different. You break out in boils - a brazillian of them (ask qw if you don't know how many that is) 'cept these aren't your normal boils. They begin to move and scream. You may need to make a few lifestyle adjustments.

I wish I had a divining rod that led me straight to lucrative ideas.

07-06-2017, 09:13 PM
Congratulations, you know have a divining rod that leads straight to my brain. :D I'm here for you.

I wish these boils would go away...

07-09-2017, 01:37 AM
Granted. Now you have shingles.

I wish that a-hole parked outside my building would quit honking his horn!

07-09-2017, 04:43 AM
You've got a hole honking it's horn. That's most unusual and should be cherished. Wish altered! We have moved the honking hole into your living room, so as not to disturb the neighbors.

I wish I had a converter for a wall's ethernet plug, which would convert an ethernet signal into a life sustaining flow of nutrients.

Mary Mitchell
07-09-2017, 04:58 AM
Granted. But it took you so long to remember you had called a cab--not to mention the driver resented being called an a-hole, which you yelled out your upstairs window before remembering who the real a-hole was--that your fare is quadruple what it should be. (No tip expected.)

I wish Amazon Echo would tune out when it hears me talking to myself.

07-10-2017, 11:35 PM
It does, because it's broken. So it also tunes out when you're talking to it.

I wish that the person posting next would receive something nice. :D

Mary Mitchell
07-11-2017, 05:30 AM
We'll pretend Nathan Brazil posted next, because he deserves something nice for having his spot usurped when we both posted simultaneously. The something nice will be the granting of his wish. He can now get life sustaining nutrients via ethernet. Of course, for that to work he needs to be transformed into an android, and if he ever moves far enough to become accidentally unplugged he'll immediately die.

I wish Greek wan't Greek to me.

Marissa D
07-11-2017, 06:31 AM
Granted! Now it's Tagalog to you...which, alas, you don't know either.

I wish I didn't have an allergic reaction to mosquito bites.

07-12-2017, 08:09 AM
you no longer have an allergic reaction to mosquito bites. like everyone else, your bites just itch like hell. you are now allergic to all known mosquito repellants.

I wish I did not have to get up at 5 a.m. tomorrow to work the flora culture display at the county fair.

07-13-2017, 11:32 AM
Pseudo-granted. See, the Genie would have gladly granted your wish, but it's a day later now, and you either did or did not get up at 5 am yesterday, so it's too late to grant you a full wish, which would have been preferable, but things don't always work out the way you want, do they? :banana:

I wish I didn't have to master a new technology by tomorrow. :e2hammer:

Mary Mitchell
07-14-2017, 06:05 AM
Granted. You get off the hook by dying in your sleep tonight. At least it won't hurt.

I wish I had a self driving car.

Marissa D
07-15-2017, 05:42 PM
Granted--you now have a shiny new self-driving car...which likes to go hang out with its friends in the parking lot at the mall instead of taking you where you want to go.

I wish my hydrangeas stayed in bloom all summer.

07-16-2017, 02:42 AM
Granted. But they stay in bloom all summer only because they have cross-bred with Venus fly traps, and they now devour everything that comes within their range. At first, of course, they are able to devour only small insects, but as they continue to develop...do you have a cat?

I wish I could Google anything just by thinking about it.

Mary Mitchell
07-17-2017, 02:12 AM
Granted. The search results are displayed on your eyeballs. Everyone can see your eyeballs. Disciplined thinking, Sir.

I wish I could wish my laundry done. (And folded.) (And put away.)

07-17-2017, 05:11 AM
You wish you could wish? That's too easy. Well, I'll just pervert the spirit of the wish. We've invented tiny insects that can change color and look and feel very convincingly like clothes and bed sheets, etc. And they do indeed clean and fold themselves. They also, every so often, burrow under your skin and work their way to your nervous system - causing odd twitching and nervous leaps. People might think you're one of those uncontrollable dance freaks that is forever busking for change.

I wish I could prevent my internet from going down by transferring my internet woes on to some other poor sap.

Marissa D
07-17-2017, 06:16 PM
Your ethically dubious wish is granted, and your internet woes have now been transferred to someone else--namely, your irascible grandfather, who calls you at all hours of the day and night to come over and fix his goddamn computer already so he can keep watching old episodes of Gunsmoke on YouTube.

I wish decaf coffee tasted better.

Mary Mitchell
07-18-2017, 04:09 AM
Granted. It's way better than caffeinated. But you can't afford any right now. You lost your job for repeatedly falling asleep at your desk.

I wish June bugs would go extinct.

07-18-2017, 07:16 PM
Holy cow. They almost did go extinct in our neck of the woods. I think I maybe found one. The end of the world is nigh!

And of course if the June bugs go extinct we must find a suitable replacement. Something with 4 million eyes and 5 rows of teeth. Ooh and likes to slither on its belly. Yeah. We'll call it the Judas bug. Not only have the June bugs have gone extinct but also grasshoppers and spiders and dogs and cats. I wonder who'll be next on their dance card.

Ok I wish I could have 3.5 million dollars - actually no - let's make that 3.5 million English pounds (you better not mess that up - cuz I'm talkin' about the cash not a tea drinkin' heavy). And I want have a whole herd of flying cows. And also can I have a new car that goes under the ground. Yeah I don't care about screwing up the streets or causing your house to fall into a huge pothole.

Thanks Santa er Genie.

07-18-2017, 08:29 PM
Granted. You will have 3.5 million English pounds, a herd of flying cows, and a new car that goes under the ground. You will be able to enjoy all these things in your new home, a beautiful cell in the State Hospital for the Incurably Insane. You will be able to look out your window (the bars are titanium and won't impede the view too much) and see rolling hills and rippling brooks. Your flying cows will flap past your window and go "moooooo, Nathan!" once or twice an hour. Your 3.5 million pounds will be perfectly secure in the hospital's safe. Your underground car will be zooming around...um...underground, and you will hear its engine roar and its tailpipe belch exhaust all the time. You will be very happy.

I wish I had more interesting breakfasts.

Marissa D
07-19-2017, 08:38 PM
Granted--you now have very interesting breakfasts. Well-informed, too--they're very fond of discussing current events and have requested that you subscribe to multiple morning papers so that they can always find new topics of conversation and debate to present you as you stumble into the kitchen each day, yawning and scratching. They start to complain when you refuse to hold up your side of the conversation, unfortunately, and leave in search of more stimulating company...so, no breakfast at all for you.

I wish that every time I find a new product I like, it wouldn't be discontinued in a matter of months.

07-20-2017, 02:53 AM
Granted. It will be discontinued in a matter of days.

I wish there were an "honesty detector" (similar to a metal-detector wand used by law enforcement to quickly move around someone's body without inconveniencing them), so we wouldn't have to waste our time trying to figure out if...oh, for example...some government official...can't imagine who...is a dangerous liar.

07-20-2017, 10:55 PM
Granted, but the lie detector only detects the presence of any lie within a 40 mile radius, meaning you can't imagine who the liar is.

I wish for world peace.

Mary Mitchell
07-24-2017, 06:17 AM
Granted. The world we have named Kepler 452-b is to our knowledge (which is admittedly limited) at peace.

I wish stars were different colors, like Christmas lights in the sky.

07-24-2017, 06:31 AM
Granted. Stars are different colors, but you have been stricken with a strange eye disease and can see only shades of gray (don't ask how many).

I wish I had a Caesar salad--right now.

Marissa D
07-24-2017, 05:45 PM
Granted--you have your salad. But you can't have your salad and eat it too...

I wish that air travel wasn't so stressful.

Mary Mitchell
07-26-2017, 06:12 AM
Granted. You've crashed. Stress over.

I wish my cat could talk so he could tell me which keys on my computer he pressed that made Windows unable to start and I had to restore to an earlier time when Windows was working (yes, folks, I have a damn theme going tonight).

07-27-2017, 10:12 PM
Your use of the word "Damn" has some of the wish makers over excited and they've decided to add a little extra flavor to the wish. Not only has your cat been given the gift of gab but he(she) has been slotted into a recently vacant upper management position in hell. You have been denigrated to one of its evil minions, where you spend your days weighing and rating sins.

I wish my brain could popup holographic signs with what I actually meant, when my tongue is busily tripping over itself.

07-27-2017, 11:02 PM
Granted, but it seems to have lost you your job, your friends, and your significant other since they found out what you really thought of them.

I wish someone else would pick produce from my garden for me.

07-28-2017, 01:30 AM
Granted: In the middle of the night someone sneaks into your garden, picks it clean, and sets up a table at the local farmer's market.

I wish bacon grew on trees.

M.S. Wiggins
07-28-2017, 02:14 AM
Denied. The swine constituents I consulted with are not on board with this wish and the trees weren’t all that happy with your wishful legislation either. I recommend you cross the partisan aisle and seek alternative-food-choice agendas.

I wish politics would go back to being boring.

07-28-2017, 11:11 PM
Newsflash: politics was never boring, not even in ancient times. So the only way I can grant your wish is to destroy all media outlets so politics can never be reported. As I am a genie, I cannot be caught, but you are arrested for manslaughter and property destruction. Have fun spending the next 597 years in prison.

I wish for a soda.

07-28-2017, 11:49 PM
Granted. Here is a bicarbonate and soda. Drink it before all the fizz goes.

I wish I had a fan club.

Mary Mitchell
07-30-2017, 04:30 AM
Granted, but the hurricane force winds generated by such an impressive number of fans has blown away your house, your car and your vacation trailer, not to mention toupee.

I wish everyone was forced to wear name tags so my pathological inability to remember names would go unnoticed.

08-04-2017, 04:37 AM
Granted. Whenever you look at someone they are compelled to shout their name. As an added bonus they also shout an embarrassing secret about themselves. All in all, not a bad outcome.

I wish I could have interchangeable eye balls for all occasions. Night Time Vision, High Beams, Psychedelic, Flaming Jets - etc.

08-04-2017, 04:47 AM
Granted. But the software has a glitch (surprise!), and instead of seeing things in the various ways you wished for, you see everything in purple and green. When you look at a hamburger, it looks like green meat in a purple bun, and you become nauseated and head for the bathroom and...etc...

I wish I had a foolproof way of earning money without working very hard.

Marissa D
08-05-2017, 12:51 AM
Ta-da--you now have a foolproof way of earning money without working very hard. Unfortunately, you don't have a tax accountant who's any damn good, and there it all goes...

I wish I had a self-mowing lawn.

08-05-2017, 01:44 AM
Didn't we already have a self mowing lawn mower - or was it shrubs that trim themselves? Well, you're self mowing lawn isn't happy with the new labor laws - self maintenance was never in its original contract. It's always getting trampled upon and not well fed and it's been eyeing the neighbor's, always perfectly manicured and well-treated lawn. It picks up stakes and hauls itself to your neighbor's house, dragging the rest of your house behind it.

I wish for more Genies? No. I wish for a mechanic that can fix our dern Genie machine, so it will stop screwing up our wishes.

08-05-2017, 07:53 PM
Your wish is granted.

We now no longer have a "Your wish is granted..." thread.

But just in case people want to continue, I wish we had a nice cake to share.

08-05-2017, 08:58 PM
Granted. Here's one. :Cake: See if you can figure out how to share it.

I wish people with dumb ideas would stop making movies.

08-05-2017, 09:28 PM
Okay, they stop making movies. They start making weapons!

I wish for nothing. Really, I'm good.

Marissa D
08-05-2017, 09:37 PM
Er, then why are you here?

But you have your wish--nothingness! Which makes physics get very cross with you and do something vengeful and extroverted, and you cease to exist.

I wish orange juice didn't have so much pulp in it. Just ewwww.

08-05-2017, 09:40 PM
Alright, I can help you with that.

*pours OJ in mouth*
*spits OJ through coffee strainer.*

Mmm...man, I just love OJ with pulp.

I wish for napkin. I have orange juice on my face.

Mary Mitchell
08-07-2017, 04:19 AM
You didn't specify clean or dirty--and our genie is of British heritage where a napkin originally referred to a diaper. And unfortunately, your wish has been granted.

I wish garbage hauled itself to the curb.

08-07-2017, 06:36 AM
Self hauling garbage. That's disgusting. Denied. You get the Evil Genie board game as a consolation prize. Please send a check for $29.99 to NathanBrazil. Yes. ApplePay is fine.

Can I have an emergency "Call a Writer" phone installed, which allows you to call someone like say, Stephen King, to finish your short story?

08-08-2017, 12:55 AM
You can, but most of the authors you call are too offended, annoyed, or amused by your suggestion that they refuse to actually finish it. Stephen King does, but since he's also annoyed, he basically just writes whatever nonsense comes into his head. And since you specified "finish", you are now incapable of editing the story, and must submit it as is.

But you did have a lovely conversation with GRR Martin, and that's nice. He says he's going to write a character based on you and then kill him off. In your honor, of course.

I wish for free internet at any place/time.

08-08-2017, 06:28 PM
Granted, but "free" might be misleading. You can log on for free. You can access any site with lightning speed. But the crooks that set up that free wifi now know all your account information and...your bank accounts are empty.

I wish I was on vacation.

08-08-2017, 07:42 PM
I wish I lived in America :heart:

08-08-2017, 07:45 PM
ESGrace, you are on vacation. You have a great time. You're wondering what's going to go wrong, and you spend a lot of time looking around nervously. However, nothing does. You have a great time and feel both relaxed and energized for when you go home.

It's because Dilysjones absorbed your bad luck by posting incorrectly. The genie is busy finding the absolute worst neighborhood in America for Dilys to live in. :D

I wish there was an adequate physics book (not too shallow, not too deep) to learn more about physics for the purpose of my writings.

Mary Mitchell
08-09-2017, 05:52 AM
Granted--assuming an inch thick is neither too shallow nor too deep.

I wish there wasn't interminable road construction on EVERY CONCEIVABLE ROUTE I CAN TAKE TO WORK!

08-09-2017, 06:33 AM
Quit with the shouting. Genie has headache. *Takes four Alleve and downs a Pepsi* What was that wish again? Oh, yeah! Sling shots!! Yes, we'll slingshot you from your house into a small bucket on the roof of your work. And ... *rubs temples* ... I need you to sign a few disclaimers. ... Thank you. Nothing to worry about.

I wish I had one of them self writing pencils and a giant bag of money. *Hopes the wishor won't notice that I've wished for 2 things*

08-09-2017, 06:56 AM
Granted. The Genie doesn't mind granting more than one wish. In your case, the self-writing pencil is inside the bag with the money. But the bag really is giant, and as you reach in to grab the stuff, the bag swallows you up and closes (it's self-sealing). You now have a self-writing pencil and lots of money. Unfortunately, you are trapped inside the bag, with no way out. Sorry 'bout that.

I wish I had the strength of ten.

08-09-2017, 07:30 PM
Granted. Since you didn't specify what ten things you wanted the strength of, I've granted you the strength of ten weak cups of decaf coffee. It's almost the strength of one strong cup. Good luck with that.

I wish I wasn't in a lazy mood.

08-11-2017, 10:56 AM
Granted. You have taken ten potent uppers. You get all kinds of work done but the uppers will keep you awake for the next ten days.
I wish I had a thousand coloring pencils.

08-11-2017, 11:45 AM
Granted. They are all white.

I wish dentists didn't charge so much.

Mary Mitchell
08-12-2017, 03:21 AM
Granted. But, their fees being commensurate with their training, skill and expenses, you are now saddled with a clumsy, amateur dentist who can't afford anesthetic.

I wish dogs picked up their own poop.

Marissa D
08-12-2017, 05:12 AM
They do. With the bottoms of their feet, which they proceed to clean on your living room carpet.

I wish the tourists around here would learn how to drive in roundabouts.

08-13-2017, 01:05 AM
Granted. But now they'll only ever drive at no more than 20 miles an hour and they'll always be in front of you.

I wish I had a functioning typewriter.

08-13-2017, 06:04 AM
Granted. Here is an 1880 Caligraph.


It makes a hell of a racket, but it works. Anyway, the Genie figures it will suit your personality.

I wish I had some lemon drops.

08-13-2017, 08:31 PM
Granted. Some lemons drop on your head.

I wish for the power of Greyskull.

08-13-2017, 11:33 PM
Granted. Every time you call upon it, there'll be a 50/50 chance that whatever you do with it will backfire.

I wish I had a flying car.

08-14-2017, 09:59 PM
Okay, you now hold in your hand the title to a flying car. It likes to fly, but it doesn't like passengers, so all you can do is watch as it flies off, and then pay all the tickets you get from its misbehavior.

I wish I knew trigonometry.

08-14-2017, 10:44 PM
Granted. But Trig says he doesn't know you--and doesn't want to.

I wish work was easier.

08-15-2017, 03:51 AM
Granted. It's easier, but you take a pay cut and you hate it.

I wish I could travel to the Caribbean.

08-15-2017, 10:31 AM
Granted. A wagon train is leaving your area at 7 am. It will take you TO the Caribbean, but you can't get off, and it turns around within three minutes and returns whence it came.

I wish I had a fairy godmother (or godfather or godbrother or godsister or any damned godrelative) who would do fantastic things for me.

08-15-2017, 10:43 AM
Godrelatives. Hmm. *Genie shakes head sagely* Understand these are our competitors. We don't allow the godfolk to intermingle with the Djinn. But your request has already made it to Djinn Central headquarters and it must be processed just like any other. You're taken down a long corridor to a waiting room where a surgical team is waiting for you. "Just jump up on the table Nym. We'll get started in just a moment." A mask is placed over your face and then ...
You find yourself flitting from flower to flower. You've been changed into a godgnit, where you can grant wishes to small bugs - like gnats, fleas and ticks. Not all bad.

I wish that I could add the morning paper to my coffee, like milk, allowing all of the morning news to travel directly to my brain without actually reading it.

08-15-2017, 03:50 PM
Granted. The headlines will shout themselves in your brain at random times of the day when others are trying to speak to you.

I wish I could play the piano really well.

08-15-2017, 06:47 PM
Granted. You can play "Mary Had a Little Lamb" on the piano really, really well. But (here it comes!) it's all you can play.

I wish the elevators in the NYC subway system always worked.

08-15-2017, 08:34 PM
Granted. The fares are going to hike twofold to make up for the costs of maintenance.

I wish I had a pet.

08-15-2017, 10:16 PM
Granted. Meet Stanley! Er, where'd he go? He...he was in this cage a minute ago. I mean, he's playing hide and seek! You'll want to find him before he finds you.

I wish I was independently wealthy.

08-15-2017, 10:41 PM
Granted. You're wealthy, but nothing will fill the void.

I wish I owned a pair of the most comfortable shoes in the world.

Marissa D
08-15-2017, 10:49 PM
Granted! You now own a pair of the most comfortable shoes in the world. Unfortunately they're intended for horses.

I wish the rooster next door would STFU.

08-15-2017, 11:39 PM
Granted. However, the rooster next door wasn't just any rooster. It was the grand prize winner in the 2016 Roosters Super Bowl VIP Sweepstakes, valued by its owner at $100,000. It was found strangled this morning, and (though we know you didn't do it) your complaints have led the authorities to charge you with the bird's death. The owner is suing you for $500,000 ($100,000 for the value of the rooster and $400,000 for emotional distress). Hope you have a good lawyer!

I wish the rain would stop and the sun would come out.

08-15-2017, 11:44 PM
The genie does not grant your wish. He simply douses you with some Courage PowderTM and you go over next door, steal the chicken, cook it and eat it. The neighbors don't have any proof that it was you, but they look at you funny and throw trash on your lawn any chance they get. They continue to hate you as long as you live there.

I wish for the entire set of Bakuman manga.

Mary Mitchell
08-17-2017, 06:24 AM
Granted. However, nerds of such a high order automatically relinquish any chance of having sex, ever, for the rest of their lives.

I wish Dom Perignon was less expensive.

08-17-2017, 06:37 AM
Lucky you. Mr. Perignon has lowered his prices to $20 an hour. Your scruffy, hairy, pot-bellied dancer arrives at your doorstep wearing nothing but a g-string and a cowboy hat.

I wish that I could invent a new musical instrument that allows you to play the hairs of your head and makesa sound that is a fusion of a harp and a cello.

Marissa D
08-17-2017, 06:48 AM
We cross-posted. I'll delete mine.

Marissa D
08-17-2017, 07:17 PM
Granted! You've invented your really cool sounding instrument...except that it invariably causes players to go bald after a week or so of practice, so no one wants to play it.

I wish someone would come up with a decent bottled Hollandaise sauce.

08-19-2017, 01:31 AM
Granted: Because of a manufacturing defect the labels are very slippery. Every time you pick up a bottle it slides out of of your hand and smashes into a thousand pieces on the floor.

I wish people would stop talking about politics.

Mary Mitchell
08-19-2017, 04:59 AM
Granted. Let me tell you instead about the pain in my groin and my loose bowels and my upcoming surgery and the blood splatters when I cough...

I wish all my pets were the same color so I could pick a wardrobe that wouldn't show pet hair.

08-19-2017, 09:03 PM
The genie stands off to one side, confused and holding a magical lint roller that works for all eternity and doesn't need to be changed out. He then shrugs, tosses it aside, and then turns your entire wardrobe fur brown. You can now get antagonized by irrational PETA people.

I wish for a kitty.

08-20-2017, 11:50 PM
Granted. For whatever reason, it's name is Cutie Poopie Face and you can only speak to and about it in baby speak.

I wish for the best dumplings in the world.

08-21-2017, 12:37 AM
Granted. My aunt Hedwig makes them! They are made with butter and top grade flour, stuffed with 3 kinds of cheese and sausage, slathered in butter and sour cream. How are they served? Why over butter browned mashed potatoes with ... are you ready for this? Sausage gravy. I myself, stopped eating them years ago but they are delicious so eat them up and sit back. You don't want to bounce around too much after eating them-- makes your heart kind of fluttery--buttery fluttery.. Besides, iIf you sit very still you can hear your coronary coming down the track.

I wish I had eaten less of Aunt Hedwig's vareniki dumplings and more whole grains and fish.

M.S. Wiggins
08-21-2017, 02:29 AM
Granted. We head back in time together to that exact moment when your fork full of meat dumplings hovers in hesitation above the plate before you. And I, being a Genie who defies the physics of entropy and the arrow of time, will slip into your subconscious and whisper “Don’t do it” into your ear. Whether you will or won’t will determine your existence in this universe or some other.

I wish for a brighter, saner day when we all understand we’re in this sliver of a Universe together, that our reputation will proceed us, and that we strived to make it a golden example of how to live, evolve, and prosper in harmony.

08-21-2017, 08:40 AM
That is totally unfair. How can I possibly pervert that wish in any way shape or form - though I'm intrigued with this 'physics of entropy and the arrow of time'. Grumble ... grumble. Genie is not happy. *Stores excess evil energy* Next wishee is going to get a double dose. Grumble.


I wish for the ability to move the stars in the sky to form messages - and hopefully not mess with the delicate balance of the planets, causing a cataclysmic event that leads to the end of all existence as we know it.

Just a little ask - I did grant that last wish.

Marissa D
08-21-2017, 05:49 PM
Granted...only you get kidnapped by a consortium of multi-national advertising agencies and forced to do their bidding, and now we're stuck with enormous cosmic ads for Bud Lite and Viagra and Depends stretching across the night sky.

I wish I knew why pistachio shells used to be dyed red (fortunately no one seems to do that anymore...I'm just curious.)

Mary Mitchell
08-22-2017, 06:53 AM
Granted. Before the current harvesting methods where the hulls are dried and removed before they have a chance to stain the underlying nut, the nuts used to have stains that were harmless but appeared unappetizing, so the red dye was to hide the stains and make the nuts look pretty.

I wish I was more coordinated.

Marissa D
08-22-2017, 07:31 AM
Granted: you are now coordinated! Your coordinates are B-17--oh, wait, was that your aircraft carrier that was just sunk?

I wish my vacuum cleaner didn't sound like a fighter jet revving up.

Mary Mitchell
08-23-2017, 05:58 AM
Granted. It now sounds like a cement mixer. In his hidey-hole under the bed, your dog is planning its demise--as soon as you unplug it and render it helpless, that is. Meanwhile, you feel compelled to sift through the dirt bag every five minutes to see what potentially valuable object you've vacuumed up that could be rattling around in there creating that awful racket.

I wish my pets could speak English so they could tell me what they're thinking.

08-23-2017, 06:03 AM
Dang - you two are like mega-genies.

08-24-2017, 08:02 AM
Granted. Your pets inform the whole neighnorhood of everything that happens in your house, including your secret beanie propeller cap collection.
I wish I could take a cruise on the Delta Queen.

08-24-2017, 09:58 AM
Granted. The Genie has done his best to figure out which Delta Queen you mean--there are many vessels with that name--and has decided to place you on a bamboo craft called the 三角洲女王 (courtesy of Google translate), sailing down the Yangtze in the midst of a monsoon. Since there is no captain, you are on your own.

I wish they would name a galaxy after me.

08-25-2017, 02:40 AM
They do. Unfortunately, the Nymtoc Galaxy is where space invaders are from. They destroy us all, then give galaxies their own names.

I wish that I could install api-ms-win-crt-runtime-l1-1-0.dll without having to download any other Windows-related junk.

Mary Mitchell
08-25-2017, 05:20 AM
Granted--by the Windows Genie, who doesn't recognize any of the Windows line-up as junk and delightedly installs fifty thousand Windows "treasures" instead. You lucky nerd, you.

I wish Emma Thompson was my next door neighbor coffee buddy.

08-27-2017, 04:14 AM
Granted. Emma Thompson has now been turned into a simulacrum of your next door neighbor. She now looks, sounds and smells like your next door neighbor, and has all of your next door neighbor's memories instead of her own. Of course, she has no idea what she's doing in Emma Thompson's house and is quickly arrested for breaking and entering. She's also a suspect in Emma Thompson's related disappearance.

I wish I could dance like Fred Astaire and sing like Elvis Presley and play the piano like Tchaikovsky.

08-27-2017, 02:09 PM
That's two wishes too many and I follow the rulez - not like some of these other crazy critters. So you will be punished. You can dance like Estaire but for some reason only late at night. Right before you hit deep sleep, your feet start moving uncontrollably, trying to reproduce one of Estaire's great dance numbers. For your punishment, the tiny beings from the planet where Elvis is from, have taken residence inside of your body. All of your organs have been replaced to make room for 30 or 40 of these guys. Your higher brain functions are still intact , but you no longer have the ability to move your limbs.

I wish for a high-speed dream machine - that can give me a full night's sleep in a matter of minutes.

08-30-2017, 01:27 AM
You do realize that you also have wished for two things, right? I'll go with it, though. You sleep in minutes, but all your dreams are in hyper-fast forward, like a VHS tape going too fast. Your dreams are now useless for creative function.

I wish that I would stop being so lazy and actually do my work.

Mary Mitchell
08-30-2017, 01:30 AM
Granted. However, not all dreams are pleasant. Your (extremely long) waking hours are filled with PTSD from you rampant nightmares.

I wish I was thirty years younger but still knew what I know now.

08-30-2017, 04:02 AM
Granted. You know you are going to reach for that cup. You know it is going to fall. You reach. It falls. And so goes the next thirty years of your life, as you relive every moment just as it happened before.

I wish everyone agreed with me.

09-01-2017, 02:15 AM
I wasn't able to get everyone to agree with you but I hired a bunch of these guys to follow you around. :Hail::Hail::Hail::Hail::Hail::Hail::Hail::Hail::H ail::Hail::Hail::Hail: I hope you can fit them all in your bed.

I wish I had the ability to shift any day to another part of the year.
Maybe I could push Tax Day til right after Christmas.

09-02-2017, 10:04 PM
Are you insane? Making tax season the same as Christmas shopping season? Do you just hate everyone? What about poor accountants? This genie has an accounting degree, and she throws all of her college textbooks at your head as punishment for even thinking about that. She then removes one, opens it up to a page, and shows you that you can in fact arrange your business to have a different tax year end. Before you can respond that this isn't actually what you wished for, she throws the book in your face.

I wish I could magically punish people for doing things I don't like. :D

09-02-2017, 11:42 PM
Granted. You might not remember this, but yesterday we all lived in a utopia. However, everyone does stuff Nerdilydone doesn't like, so the world now knows pain and suffering. (Oddly enough, turns out even Nerdilydone does stuff Nerdiloydone doesn't like. Go figure.) I went ahead and retro added all the punishment in, hence why you remember a world history of pain and tragedy.

I wish I had some french fries to eat right now.

09-03-2017, 12:00 AM
So punishing isn't enough - you want to magically punish them as well. Hmmm. I'm not sure what that means but I'll do my best. Granted. Your magical punishment is to cause the recipient of said punishment to grow a brand new organ. Though, it's unclear what the organ's function is supposed to be, these organs have some annoying behaviors. Organs that like to sing in the dead of night. Organs that play organs. Organs that sneak off with its owners keys and go for joy rides. Using the serial number on the organ, a number of your 'friends' have tracked you down. I think they're planning some kind of meet and greet. Nothing to be worried about.

I wish I didn't have to wish until my next post.

09-03-2017, 12:05 AM
Granted. You have a huge heap of greasy french fries, smothered in chili and cheese, that smells as delicious as it looks. As you reach for one, you realize that it's some new fangled holograph. Sorry. You didn't specify that you wanted to eat them.

I wish my mood could generate music that would play in a specially designed headset which serves as a counterbalance to whatever I'm feeling at the moment.

Mary Mitchell
09-03-2017, 05:46 AM
Granted. Unfortunately, you were feeling particularly happy for a moment there--until your counterbalancing headphones kicked in.

I wish love conquered all.

09-03-2017, 06:33 AM
Granted. Your love has destroyed everything. Congratulations.

I wish death wasn't real.

09-03-2017, 09:00 AM
Granted, but now everything alive on the planet is sterile, including the plants and animals.

I wish I were more motivated.

09-03-2017, 09:24 AM
Granted. Richard Simmons is now literally attached to your hip.

I wish I could read minds.