View Full Version : Your wish is granted...

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jaus tail
04-10-2016, 05:32 PM
Granted. Genie sends genie's grandmother to grade all the papers, and being the generous grandma that she is, all the students get A++++++ grade and also grandma draws a kitty at the top of the paper.:granny:

I wish for a sandwich.

04-10-2016, 05:50 PM
Here you are! I found it on the hammock yesterday as I was cleaning the yard for spring. I'm guessing ham and well aged cheese. It, like the dandelions, is greening up. Enjoy!

I wish I had a yard man--s6

04-12-2016, 04:13 AM
Granted, but he's never had experience, and he's a pretty slow learner.

I wish my sister would stop undercooking food.

jaus tail
04-12-2016, 11:44 AM
Granted. She undercooks you instead for not volunteering to make food.

I wish it would rain today so intense, the glass panes of the office would burst and there'd be water everywhere in the office, and also the water must give me super powers like turn me to aqua man so I can go in the ocean and live with the fishes. I believe I was born in the wrong body as identify more with fishes.

04-12-2016, 11:58 AM
Wish granted. So far as to you even become Aqua Man and will go in the ocean and live with the fishes.

You quickly develop the most intense and severe phobia of fish.


04-16-2016, 07:53 PM
*claps* Done. Now you can only sleep at night. Sleeping during the day will give you nausea and anxiety issues.

I wish to be able use my body as a vessel to travel anywhere in time and space.

04-17-2016, 07:39 AM
Granted. However, your wish has been misconstrued, and you can only perform one travel. You were unaware, and now are doomed to spend the rest of your life with the dinosaurs... However log that life may be.

I wish there was more time in the day.

jaus tail
04-17-2016, 12:20 PM
Granted. Your watch is running ten hours late.

I wish my teacher's watch would stop working and she would miss all the classes.

04-17-2016, 07:59 PM
Done. This leads to her termination. She can no longer be hired as teacher and does odd jobs for years. Over time the fact that her dream to enlighten others has been crushed slowly weighs down on her. Her familial relations become strained until breaking due to her reclusive behavior. After another several years of deep depression she seeks to find a genie to help her escape this hell.

I wish to be able to move incredibly fast with my body able to withstand the force.

jaus tail
04-17-2016, 09:54 PM
granted. granted. granted.

I wish genie would undo my earlier wish and make my teacher live a happy life.:Sun:

04-18-2016, 03:17 AM
Granted, but every wish comes with consequences, so because your teacher is able to live a happy life, somewhere in an absurd far off place called Tijuana, there is very nice little old lady who now can no longer live a happy life.

I wish I were better at video games.

jaus tail
04-18-2016, 08:55 AM
Granted. You're better at Tetris and Snake, and other games as Color the Bubble, or Teach The Dog Tricks.

I wish I knew German language.

04-18-2016, 03:53 PM
Done, but unfortunately you only know German now, and in order to live in your home country you need to relearn its native tongue.

I wish I could keep living in Japan for the rest of my life.

jaus tail
04-19-2016, 09:56 AM
Granted. But you live in Japan even after that and float around like a ghost. While all the other ghosts can roam freely around the world, you cannot as you're confined within the borders of Japan. Awwww!!

I wish to be stronger than Superman, faster than Flash, and wittier than Batman.

04-20-2016, 01:06 AM
Wish misconstrued. You're stranger than Superman, fatter than Flash, and whiter than Batman.

I wish my chores would do themselves.

jaus tail
04-20-2016, 08:41 AM
Granted. You're the first one in the world to have masturbating chores.

I wish to be the one who controls water. Like one of those superheroes/mutants.

04-22-2016, 08:48 AM
Granted, but the force of the water, and your lack of being able to breath underwater, leads to an eventual untimely death.

I wish to be able to control others' actions by verbal suggestions

jaus tail
04-22-2016, 10:32 AM
Granted. But your vocabulary is confined to 'tudu tudu...tudu tudu...tudu tudu...' No one understands it but people repeat your suggestions nevertheless. 'tudu tudu...tudu tudu...tudu tudu...'

I wish to be a wolf who roams the forest with his pack and hunts the antelopes for his family.

04-22-2016, 03:59 PM
Granted, but there are some ecosystem problems currently. Resulting in a shortage of antelope. While there is a supply of small animals, it is a difficult time for you and your family. One of your children passes away due to malnutrition. Your pack become broken and some travel to new lands to find better opportunity. Your best friend, Burter, is one of the wolves that leaves the forest and it causes some seasons of depression but you have your wife.

I wish to be apart of the first exoplanet colonization.

jaus tail
04-23-2016, 09:29 AM
Granted. You're sent to Pluto. Make sure to take your winter clothes. I heard it's quite cold...whoooo...freeze.

I wish the orange plants that I've grown wouldn't dry up. Come on, plants, survive.

04-24-2016, 09:01 AM
Granted, a vat of toxic waste comes along and saves your oranges. They now have superpowers, and want to show you what it feels like to be eaten.

I wish the flashing purple light from my neighbor's house that I witnessed through my window were a sign of super powers, and they were summoning me because I'm the chosen one, and they're just trying to give me my rightfully earned superpowers.

jaus tail
04-24-2016, 10:06 AM
Granted. Granted. Granted. You're the new genie. That purple light is your new color, and that orange lamp is your house. There's no air condition in it.:wag:

I wish I were an alligator who lives in the rivers. I've always felt I was born to be an alligator.

04-24-2016, 11:42 PM
Granted: You live on the New Jersey side of the Hudson River, just east of Newark.

I wish I could do something fun today.

04-26-2016, 09:46 AM
Granted, you go skydiving!

What's not so fun is where you land... "Mumbles, mumbles, thorns up my butt, mumbles, mumbles."

I WISH.... I could let the past stay in the past.

04-27-2016, 12:28 AM
Granted. This includes great memories.

...essentially, you forget people because you don't remember who they are. Why would you? The past is in the past. ALWAYS.

I wish for a cool and refreshing glass of water.

jaus tail
04-27-2016, 07:05 PM
Granted. Here's a cool and refreshing glass of water. But you didn't mind your adjectives, dear. It's the glass that's cool and refreshing. I'm not sure where the water has come from.

I wish for a glass of cool and refreshing water.

04-27-2016, 11:10 PM

The cup, however, has something growing out of it. You may want to clean it. However, cleaning it would probably involve dumping the delicious water inside.

I wish for a glass that is clean containing water is crisp, cool, refreshing and completely safe water.

jaus tail
04-28-2016, 08:50 AM
Granted. Genie's found out that the cleanest water is when a pregnant elephant's water breaks. I'm teleporting you right under the elephant. Direct shower!!

I wish to be the elephant that showers on Erezma.

04-30-2016, 02:15 PM
Granted. Jaus Tail becomes transformed into an anthropomorphic elephant, and showers over top of Erezma. During the hot soapy shower however, Jaus Tail is attacked by poachers.

I wish to undergo apotheosis.

05-09-2016, 06:06 PM

That last post was as good as it gets for you. Everything else is downhill from there.

I wish I could give up the 13 hr days without giving up the resulting paycheck.

M.S. Wiggins
05-20-2016, 02:10 AM
You’ve been granted a paid vacation instead. Assuming you work 5 days a week, each day consisting of 13 hours, that’s 5 extra hours given the typical 8-hour workday. Your weekly total of extra hours is 25, which grand totals to 1300 p/year. 1300 ÷ 10 (←Ten being the number of days passed since your wish request, which btw was your vacation . . . in case that wasn’t clear. Hope you had a lovely time) = 130. Dividing 130 by the 5 extra hours you work each day totals 26. That’s 1 hour shy of the 25 extra hours you worked p/week. Therefore, you’ll be paid an extra $15 for that hour, plus another to cover the income tax that will make the extra $15 meaningless. You’re welcome.

I wish for serendipity.

05-20-2016, 05:30 PM

While you are facing your typical dreary work day, many miles away, something crawls to the surface of a dark Scottish lake.

No, wait, that's Synchronicity. (Or Synchronicity II, whichever.) Oh well, close enough, especially as my brain hurts after all that math.

I wish we had drones to deliver things the same day you order them.

jaus tail
05-21-2016, 09:41 AM
Granted. But how about we go green and use pigeons to deliver stuff instead of drones. Pigeons also give extra toppings in the form of their droppings.

I wish to be able to solve this rubics cube without using help from internet.

06-11-2016, 03:02 PM
Granted. You are an instant genius. You solve the cube with little mental effort. However, you now are deluged with letters begging you to solve Fermat's Theorem.
I wish Mark Harmon would run for President.

06-15-2016, 06:30 PM

No, wait, this leads to the cancellation of one of my favorite shows. Denied.

I wish you could find a job just by walking into a store, like a Wal Mart for employment.

06-15-2016, 09:37 PM
Granted. You can walk into Buddy's Manure Supply and get a hands-on job right now.

I wish someone would publish my 6,470-word epic poem about goldfish.

jaus tail
06-20-2016, 09:11 AM
Granted. Goldfishes have agreed to publish your work. However you have to meet them in the sea to sign the contract. Also you'll have to go deep underwater for book reading. Also you'll have to do all this wearing a gold fish costume. And you'll have to speak their language of blurb blurb.

I wish someone would trim my nails.

06-21-2016, 09:39 AM
Granted. A carpenter is on his way.

I wish I had a fireplace.

jaus tail
06-21-2016, 10:46 AM
Granted. Fire is on its way.

I wish the company would add an extra zero to my salary.

06-21-2016, 05:16 PM

They add several. Okay, technically they've simply fired you, but your paycheck is now a zero.

I wish I was still in the Great Outdoors.

06-21-2016, 05:21 PM
Put on this parachute and I'll drop out in Way Northern Russia

I wish I had life size gummy bear

06-21-2016, 05:25 PM

It falls on you, forever immortalizing you in... in... in whatever it is they are made of, like a fly trapped in amber. Or in your case, a moose.

I wish I could make money from home.

06-21-2016, 06:02 PM

I even found you a home where the art instructor will tell you what goo job you are doing, which wasn't easy

I wish my apron had pockets

jaus tail
06-21-2016, 07:49 PM
Granted. Your apron is a kangaroo.

I wish to be a kangaroo that hops over rivers and plays with the family.

06-22-2016, 12:25 AM
Granted: You spend an idyllic summer with your kangaroo friends and family. Unfortunately, (What ever happened to the Fortunately/Unfortunately thread?) you fall prey to the annual ‘Kangaroo Cull’ next Autumn.

I wish the charcoal in my barbecue grill would glow a perfect red the instant I light it.

06-22-2016, 11:16 PM

http://i617.photobucket.com/albums/tt254/slcbostonPB/Muses%20for%20the%20Hounds/mushroom-cloud.jpg (http://s617.photobucket.com/user/slcbostonPB/media/Muses%20for%20the%20Hounds/mushroom-cloud.jpg.html)

Mind you, everything in a 5-mile radius is ALSO glowing red, but hey, small price to pay for perfect steaks.

I wish I had more room for books.

M.S. Wiggins
06-23-2016, 02:18 AM
Granted. Gentrification of Spare Oom—now called More Oom—is complete. Have fun on the other side of that wardrobe in More Oom’s already newly acquired nickname: Millennial-Land.

I wish . . . hell, I don't know—for somebody else to wish something on my behalf (something good preferably). :tongue

06-23-2016, 03:08 AM
Granted. I wish that every room in your house would be filled with strawberry jam. (Just jam, no jars).

I wish I were a famous country singer.

06-23-2016, 03:19 AM
You are now famous in Botswana

I wish I could tell which of these are raisins

06-23-2016, 03:43 AM

The raisins are the ones you didn't eat.

I wish the posters would stay on my walls.

06-23-2016, 08:41 AM
Granted. Because of an earthquake (unusual in your neck of the woods), your walls come tumbling down, but the posters stay on them.

I wish I had a great big airplane with my name printed on it in great big letters, like a certain man who's running for President. :ROFL:

06-23-2016, 05:54 PM

Had to change your name to Pan Am, and the plane doesn't go anywhere, but you can visit it in the plane graveyard out in the US Southwest.

I wish I could be anywhere at once.

jaus tail
06-23-2016, 07:45 PM
Granted. You're nightcrawler from the X-Men. You're also blue in color and have a pointed tail. But it's fun to be a mutant.

I wish to be Cyclops from X-Men. I've always wanted to have laser emitting eyes but things never worked out my way. Come on, Genie. Make me Cyclops.

06-23-2016, 07:58 PM

Not only are you a cyclops, you are THE cyclops, the original, the one, the only Polyphemus. Watch out for "no one."

I wish I was more enthusiastic about my lunch.

jaus tail
06-23-2016, 08:03 PM
Granted. You're going to the movies with it.

I wish to an asteroid would fall on my school and go boom.. Come on, Genie. Go for it.

06-25-2016, 05:49 PM

http://i89.photobucket.com/albums/k234/Cal_Jennings/Writing%20Challenges/AsteroidCollision.jpg (http://media.photobucket.com/user/Cal_Jennings/media/Writing%20Challenges/AsteroidCollision.jpg.html)

Whoops, that may have been a comet. Um... well, no kill like overkill, right?

I wish I could just enjoy the day. Preferably outside.

06-25-2016, 06:34 PM
Genie is granting you a Wardrobe. Just park it in a corner of your work cubicle. Prop a couple of umbrellas against it and hang a couple of raincoats over it so it won't be so noticeable. Anytime you want a nice day in the outdoors just pop into the Wardrobe and come out in Narnia! Be sure to wear a coat. When (and IF ) you return to your desk, no time will have passed. If you are not human, be sure to check in with the Queen. --s6

I wish Donald Trump's nose would grow every time he tells a lie!

06-25-2016, 09:19 PM
Granted. But your wish has made it impossible for the poor man to get through a door, ride in a limousine or even fly in one of his own splendid planes. His nose is so long now that...well, you get the idea. Word is that he has consulted plastic surgeons to have the nose reduced, but they say it would just grow back again.

I wish I knew what I was doing. :crazy:

M.S. Wiggins
06-26-2016, 02:40 AM
Granted, with caveats. I’m part of you now and I know you’re doing, always. More importantly, I’m the part of you that’s now in charge of watching and judging your every move—offering alternatives, tips, and better suggestions on what to do next (as well as how and when you should do it). It won’t take long before you’re wishing for full control of your own life again.

I wish to be divorced from Nymtoc.

jaus tail
06-26-2016, 03:04 PM
Granted. You're divorced from Nymtoc but you married his twin brother Gymtoc who's muscular. And then you divorced Gymtoc and married their cousin Dimtoc who's quite funny, but you missed Nymtoc and so you asked Nymtoc for another chance in your relationship but by then Nymtoc had married K.S Wiggins. Quite a family tree.

I wish to trees would start wearing clothes.

06-27-2016, 06:15 AM

But when they start stepping out of shadowy alleys and mugging people for their clothes, don't blame me. It's not like they fit in stores.

I wish I knew what was going on. With anything.

06-27-2016, 07:05 AM
Granted. You know what is going on. With everything. Unfortunately, this knowledge lasts only three seconds, after which you are more in the dark than ever.

I wish I had the world on a string.

jaus tail
06-27-2016, 08:47 AM
Granted. You are the sun and gravity is your string. Go play. But you got no friends. You're so hot that people burn when they try to approach you.

I wish someone would use a giant saw to cut Britain out of EU, and then Britain would drift to Australia and there'd be ABU....Australie Britain Union.

06-27-2016, 05:19 PM

Though something that large traversing two oceans seriously messes up the migration patterns of Wales.

(The genie could not resist. Sorry.)

I wish I knew who just called me.

06-27-2016, 09:00 PM
Granted. It was the IRS, telling you that you must call a certain number immediately--with your SS# and other vital information--or you will be thrown in jail! (I have really received such junk calls. I'm afraid some people fall for this dangerous scam. :e2teeth: )

I wish I had a hat with a feather in it.

jaus tail
06-28-2016, 08:36 AM
Granted. You are now a contestant in Top Model show and have to wear a hat with feather on it. While your gown has fins on it. And your shoes have fangs on it. And your purse has an elephant's trunk coming out of it. Unfortunately the costume is so heavy you fall during the shoot and then are eliminated. You are no longer in the running of becoming a Top Model. Then you cry.

I wish to be an elephant so I could store the lake in my trunk and then blast the water cannon at the school building. Phoosh!!

06-28-2016, 05:58 PM

But to be an elephant that big, you'd be so massive that (despite the numerous kaiju flicks of which I am inordinately fond) you'd collapse and suffocate under your own weight. The alternative is to make the lake really, really small, probably devastating your local area's water supply, tourist income, and possibly even climate. So I'm going to flip a coin and let you decide.

I wish I knew what I could get away with.

06-28-2016, 09:52 PM
Granted. You can get away with calling yourself a billionaire and looking smug. (You'd be surprised how far that will get you.)

I wish I knew the answers to the deepest philosophical questions.

M.S. Wiggins
06-29-2016, 03:17 AM
Denied. There are no answers, especially to the deepest questions. That’s why they’re philosophical, I suppose . . . perhaps we should blame science for shirking the metaphysical mind. But I do feel your pain, as I’m an empathetic genie who has pointed a fundamental finger at many a scientific fact.

I wish I had a time machine, preferably produced by science, but you could maybe sell me on a philosophical one.

06-29-2016, 12:17 PM
Granted. This bit here is where you plug it in. It takes about 40 suns worth of energy per second you want to travel. Batteries not included.

I wish lemon-aid would always stay chilled on hot summer days.

06-29-2016, 05:54 PM

However, the heat that is being dissipated has to go somewhere (physics being what it is) and it goes straight into you, thus negating the chilling effects of the lemonade.

I wish I could cut my own hair and not have it look horrible.

jaus tail
06-29-2016, 07:26 PM
Denied. But genie is sending hair style student jaus tail to cut your hair. Nope you don't look horrible. It's inner beauty that counts.

I wish to read two times faster than my current speed.

06-29-2016, 07:34 PM

But your comprehension is twice as slow.

I wish certain people were closer.

06-29-2016, 08:04 PM
Granted. But since you didn't specify which people, the Genie has chosen them for you. First comes Donald Trump. After that come a couple of serial killers, a handful of drug dealers, several disgraced former government officials and--oh, why not?--Sarah Palln.

I wish could get things done a lot faster.

jaus tail
06-29-2016, 08:14 PM
Granted. You recover from fatigue faster. It means your body needs less rest. You only sleep 2 hours each day.

I wish for a new fridge.

06-29-2016, 08:25 PM

It's waiting for you at Sears. You, however, have to carry it home. On foot.

I wish I could take all of those people Nymtoc brought to me and lock them all into a room, Thunderdome-style.

06-29-2016, 08:40 PM
Granted. And you will be locked in the Thunderdome with them. (How come you didn't see this coming?)

I wish I had a magic best-seller-writing machine.

06-29-2016, 09:17 PM

You are now a best-selling author of clown S&M erotica. Top in your field. ... Admittedly a small field, but hey, you are the best. Just remember to sacrifice the rubber chickens and balloon animals to the machine. ... Oh, and the occasional soul of a small child. (What else did you think clowns fed on?)

I wish I had more get up and go.

06-29-2016, 10:51 PM
Granted. The Genie is sending you a brand-new Get Up 'n Go Machine. It is essentially a large, sturdy spring. Sit on it and push off with your feet.

I wish could get rid of the spider that has taken up residence in my bedroom.

06-29-2016, 11:24 PM
Granted: The Genie releases a large flock of White-Breasted Nuthatches in your room. (You'd better get some more spiders.)


I wish I could get a bigger AC unit without having to go to the store to buy one.

M.S. Wiggins
06-30-2016, 12:09 AM
Granted. Welcome to the new ice age. I suppose your next wish will be for an axe to chop down trees for wood fires. I’ll reluctantly grant this hypothetical next-wish as I don’t won’t you freezing your arsse off, even though you wished for environmentally unsustainable things, and because I think your genetic offspring will learn a valuable lesson from your our grievous mismanagement.

I wish episodes of self-doubt came with troubleshooting manuals.

06-30-2016, 07:17 PM

The manuals are written by the same people who right IKEA furniture instructions.

I wish I could convince my cat that my keyboard is NOT a place to sleep.

jaus tail
06-30-2016, 07:40 PM
Granted. The cat sleeps on your neighbor's keyboard instead n in sleep the cat turns n rolls n types a best selling manuscript. Your neighbor's rich now.

I wish it would not rain whenever I forgot to carry an umbrella to the office.

06-30-2016, 10:32 PM
Granted: But, the Genie worries that the lack of rain would be bad for trees and plants, so the only option is to have you fired, and rendered unemployable.

I wish the vegetables in my garden would hurry up and ripen.

jaus tail
07-01-2016, 08:32 AM
Granted. They ripen the moment you sow the seeds. A few birds ate some of the seeds you had sown, and the plants ripened inside their stomachs and the birds died. The bird rights activists are suing you for killing birds.

I wish to see a war between cats and birds.

07-01-2016, 10:01 AM
Granted. However, the instant they notice you watching, they pull out a parchment, write up terms for peace--including a mutual defense clause--and decide you are an immediate threat. Cats wielding custom AK-47s and birds with tiny explosives strapped to their wings surround you. If you somehow manage to survive, you have to live with the knowledge that mankind's extinction is now guaranteed and possibly all life on earth. Just hope a wave of unexplainable bird deaths don't strike a flock of nuke-carrying geese.

I wish Jon Stewart never retired from the Daily Show.

jaus tail
07-03-2016, 09:58 AM
Granted. Jon Steward never retired from the Daily Show. But it's the audience that retired.

I wish to dance in the rain.

07-06-2016, 01:39 AM
The rain is made out of Acid.

I wish to never make another mistake.

07-06-2016, 02:05 AM
Granted. The Genie has zapped you into a permanent state of suspended animation. From now on, you will feel nothing, see nothing, hear nothing, do nothing and--of course--make no mistakes for all eternity.

I wish I had a pomegranate tree.

07-06-2016, 02:44 AM
Pomegranates grow on underground vines and are rooted out by pigs. You can't fool me.

I wish I could shake the money tree more often

jaus tail
07-08-2016, 08:31 AM
Granted. But gold coins fall out and on your way home, looters rob you.

I wish a cow would fall on my Math teacher.

07-08-2016, 02:14 PM
Granted. A cow falls on your maths teacher at an acceleration of 9.8m per second square. If the cow weighs 300 kilogrammes and falls a distance of 3 meters on your teacher, calculate the force,in Newtons, that crushes your teacher.

I wish a single swallow a summer made.

07-10-2016, 11:16 PM

Genie just needs to make sure you're of legal age in your jurisdiction.

Liquor laws and all that.

I wish I could convince the cat to sleep where the cat bed is.

07-11-2016, 01:06 AM
Granted. The Genie has provided you with a cat bed that is ½ catnip and ½ sedative. If it doesn't work, add more sedative.

I wish I had a stately pleasure dome, like the one Kubla Khan built in Xanadu.

07-11-2016, 01:49 AM

Property taxes on it are a b****, though.

I wish calendars would update themselves.

07-12-2016, 07:50 PM
Granted. They update themselves with holes ranging from 2 mm to 5 mm, depending on your needs. What's that? Oh, the Genie thought you said "colanders." Please speak more clearly.

I wish I were a tightrope walker.

07-12-2016, 07:59 PM

* Hands nymmy a martini and stretches rope over grand canyon *

I wish I has a couple dozen eggplants and a mushroom

07-14-2016, 11:54 AM
Granted. The Genie has salvaged two dozen eggplants from the galley of SS Andrea Doria, which sank off the coast of Massachusetts in 1956 (they may need a little drying out). Along with those beauties, he is sending you a Death Cap mushroom.

I wish I could live in the sixteenth century, at least for a while.

07-14-2016, 01:44 PM
Granted. Dropped into the Inca Civil War in 1531, you are fortunate enough to be recruited by Atahualpa's victorious army. In 1532, however, you drop the severed head of enemy general Atoc and almost break it before the skull can be made into a gilded cup. Not pure enough to qualify as a sacrifice to the gods, you are simply executed for your clumsiness.

I wish my tea never went cold before I could drink it.

07-15-2016, 12:25 AM
Okay. It now gets cold in your stomach, so every time you drink tea, it feels like you swallowed an ice cube. Whenever you try to drink iced tea, it immediately turns hot in your mouth.

I wish for a burger.

07-19-2016, 12:15 PM
Granted. Two of the burger's main ingredients are moldy, rotting remains of pickled goat scrotums and ghost peppers. It is also large enough to burst your stomach once fully consumed. You have no choice but to eat it all, because your amazing new mental disorder triggered by the sight of the burger requires you eat things that are harmful and disgusting until all trace of the objects are gone.

I wish I had ten cents for every time someone made a wish without thinking about the potential consequences.

jaus tail
07-19-2016, 12:38 PM
Granted. The ten cents drown your house and you can't step out of the house as the cents are blocking the exit. You try to swim across the sea of ten cents but it's tough and you soon tire.

I wish for a job that matches with my graduate education.

07-19-2016, 06:12 PM

Repeat after me: "Would you like fries with that?"

I wish I could travel.

07-19-2016, 09:41 PM
Granted. You have won a free bus ride from one end of town to the other.

I wish my breakfasts were more interesting.

jaus tail
07-20-2016, 10:23 AM
Granted. They tell limerics with ketchup.

I wish for a job that I want.

07-20-2016, 11:42 PM

You have the job you've always wanted. At a 1/4 of the paycheck you thought it would be.

I wish I could consume large quantities of chocolate with no adverse effects.

07-22-2016, 12:23 AM
Granted. You can consume large quantities of chocolate in your new eco-friendly car, with no adverse effects.* The pleasure you get from knowing that you are contributing to the health of the planet will more than make up for the fact that the chocolate is not going into your body.


I wish I had a nickel for every minute I've wasted in my life.

jaus tail
07-22-2016, 01:28 PM
Granted. You get zero nickels. That's right, dear. You haven't wasted a single minute of your life. What you call waste, I call setting an example for others on 'how to not live life...' There dear. Isn't that wonderful, what a great example you've set for others.

I wish watching the motivation videos actually worked.

07-22-2016, 06:26 PM

They motivate you to watch more videos.

I wish I could kick this bout of insomnia.

07-22-2016, 06:33 PM

They motivate you to watch more videos.

I wish I could kick this bout of insomnia.

Granted, but you'll sleep for 100 years and only wake with true love's kiss.

I wish I wasn't so hungry!

07-22-2016, 06:37 PM

You're starving. Actually starving. You'd kill to be merely "so hungry" again. Which is why you're making that cat in the alley very, very nervous.

I wish I could skip work today.

07-22-2016, 07:12 PM
No need for me to grant anything

Just put on you ballet slippers and skip to work

I wish I could find my glasses

07-22-2016, 09:40 PM
Granted: There are at least five dirty glasses in your kitchen sink. Be careful. One of them has a cracked rim.

I wish there was a 'good news only' TV station.

07-23-2016, 04:30 PM
I wish there was a 'good news only' TV station.

Granted! Your TV now plays nothing but reruns of 'Good News' starring David Ramsey. Only 22 half-hour episodes were ever broadcast, so you'll have every line of your favourite show memorised in no time.

I wish I could turn the volume up or down in real life, not just on my computer.

07-24-2016, 12:25 PM
I wish I could turn the volume up or down in real life, not just on my computer.

Granted. Unfortunately, you are driving along--with the volume turned down--when a police car comes up behind you with its siren blaring. They just want to mention your broken taillight, but since you ignored their siren, you are arrested for evading police and given a year in jail.

I wish I had a really comfortable pillow.

M.S. Wiggins
07-24-2016, 09:53 PM
Granted. Comes in a pair, though, Double-D size. You're welcome.

I wish I had a pet dragon.

07-25-2016, 02:40 AM
I wish I had a pet dragon

Granted. A Komodo dragon has been delivered to your door. It is ten feet long, weighs 150 pounds, eats everything and has a venomous bite. But if you're nice to it, you'll probably be all right--for a while.

I wish I knew how to hang glide.

07-29-2016, 05:28 AM
Granted, but you attract a bunch of annoying hang gliders who gossip about your social life behind your back.

I wish I could get a restful sleep.

07-30-2016, 06:53 PM

Out in the woods you stumble across a bunch of dwarves playing nine pin. You engage them in a game, and afterwards celebrate a little too hard with them. After sitting down against a tree for a "quick nap," you wake up 100 years later, more refreshed than you've ever been. Sporting a wicked wizard-level beard, too.

I wish it would rain just a little less hard just so I can leave the window open.

07-30-2016, 08:01 PM
Granted. It rains a little less hard, and you leave your window open. As a result (depending on where you live), the following critters creep, crawl or fly through the window and take up residence in your house: squirrels, raccoons, opossums, mice, rats and--best of all--bats.

I wish the Olympic Games were open only to amateurs, as originally intended.

07-31-2016, 12:30 AM
Granted: Your friends and neighbors have selected you to be the sole pole-vaulter on the American team. (To keep your amateur status you will be required to pay all transportation, food, and lodging cost for your trip to Rio.)

I wish there was a barbecue/brew pub within walking distance from my house.

08-02-2016, 04:05 AM

It walks in to your house, sits on the sofa, leaves BBQ sauce all over it, takes beer from the fridge because it runs out of its own, changes the channel to Real Lives: How to Ditch Your Partner, then leaves some charcoal smouldering on the floor as it leaves six hours later. You house burns to the ground.

I wish I inherited lots and lots of money.

08-02-2016, 05:18 AM

How well do you know/trust your family? You're about to find out.

I wish it wasn't so humid.

08-02-2016, 06:15 AM
Granted. For this wish, the Genie's magic carpet has transported you to the Atacama Desert, west of the Andes, said to be the driest non-polar place in the world. The Atacama has had no rainfall for over 400 years. It will not be humid there. (As a certain Mr. Trump says, "Believe me.")

I wish I had a pineapple Popsicle.

Gutter Mind
08-17-2016, 06:29 PM
Granted. Genie is sending you a stick and a head dress made of long narrow green leaves. Please put on head dress on head and stick stick at other end. Stand in freezer for two hours and hey presto!

I wish someone would pour warm chocolate all over me.

08-17-2016, 06:47 PM

They also add nuts and whip cream. It will only hurt for the first bite or so. Probably.

I wish I was already in Florida.

08-17-2016, 07:25 PM
Granted. You are in the Everglades. An alligator is approaching, but you are not aware of it. Now only inches from you, it opens its enormous mouth and...the Genie cannot bear to watch...

I wish I were 21 again.

08-17-2016, 07:38 PM

You know everything you know now, but are powerless to make different choices and can only cringe internally as you make the same mistakes again.

On the plus side, you have your youth and physical fitness back. ... Of course, you're going to do exactly what you did back then.

I wish I was going to the Everglades (not jus the House of Mouse).

08-25-2016, 02:00 AM
You are now a mouse in the everglades.

I wish there were less Reality Shows on TV.

08-25-2016, 05:42 PM

They've been replaced by more "talking heads" shows. And not the "This is not my beautiful wife" kind of Talking Heads.

Wish I could dance.

08-25-2016, 06:47 PM
Wish granted.
You are able to River Dance, but only while standing in the river.
Wish all this tomfoolery were actually helping with my word count in my writing!

08-28-2016, 10:12 AM
Granted. Tom the Fool will come over and sit by your side while you write, counting every word out loud. All he requires is a constant supply of coffee, chocolate cookies and an occasional slice of banana cream pie. You really can't beat this deal.

I wish I could be the first to discover alien life.

08-28-2016, 11:30 AM
Granted, but you don't live to tell about it. I wish my husband was here instead of Mexico.

08-28-2016, 07:21 PM
Granted. Unfortunately, you flew out to China yesterday. You will be gone six months. He leaves again in five and a half for Singapore.

I wish the house would clean itself.

08-28-2016, 09:20 PM
Granted. But the house is so germophobic that after it cleans itself it won't let you in.

I wish I could play the tuba.

08-29-2016, 05:40 PM

Your neighbors slap a cease and desist order on you fairly soon thereafter.

I wish it was easier to find a good job.

08-29-2016, 07:03 PM
Granted. You now have a job in the Good household. Unfortunately, they keep you locked in a box down in the soundproofed basement. You have a monitoring devise on your ankle for the times you are allowed to scrub the house.

I wish All the things I love to eat were healthy and not fattening.

08-29-2016, 08:36 PM
Ahhh--it was a tossup between chocolate coated Kale or paper thin black truffles served over buttery pasta. The truffle was, hands down, the best choice. No calories whatsoever, they send the world's gourmets into a frenzy over their delicious, sharp, fungussy odor. Of course you will have to butter your pasta with no-cal margarine. And better make that a cheap pasta. I have ordered you two pounds of truffles imported from a Truffle Orchard in Belgium. Your credit card please?

I wish I had a paycheck from a part time job. No job, just the paycheck. --s6

08-29-2016, 08:48 PM
Granted. You get the paycheck weekly, but do to the need to pay our politicians more money, taxes have skyrocketed. You now owe the government Seventy-five dollars a week. You check is now a reminder that you should have taken a real part time job.

I wish I were wealthy and young. Attractive would be a nice bonus also.

08-29-2016, 08:53 PM
Granted. You are extremely wealthy, very young and amazingly attractive. But this only happens if the Genie grants my wish!

I wish that all political "surrogates" would be banned from TV. :Headbang:

08-29-2016, 10:31 PM
Granted. No political surrogates. In fact no politics or surrogates of any kind for that matter. Just to make it fair, there are no surrogates or politics at all anywhere. Unfortunately this means there are far fewer people on the earth. We all live in villages of less that ten people no closer than fifty miles apart. No vehicles, no electricity, no telephones. You are welcome!

I wish I could speak Chinese.

08-29-2016, 11:46 PM
Granted! You are now proficient in the lare but once lemarkably popular Warner Oland Dialect of Mandarin. Be careful not to speak it in public or you will be accused of bringing back the Yellow Peril.

I wish Jeffery Lord would just shut up.

08-30-2016, 12:13 AM
Granted. Jeffrey Lord will shut up on TV, but he will come around to your house every evening and peer through your window with that weird look on his face, just as you are sitting down to dinner. :greenie

I wish Donald Drumpf would take a polygraph test.

08-30-2016, 01:06 AM
So sorry. Wish cannot be granted. The needles on the polygraph become lethal when flying through the air. Maybe a seismograph?

I wish that I could change my confirmation name to Oatmeal Raisin Cookie. St. Ludmila hasn't done much for me. --s6

08-30-2016, 03:22 AM
Granted. You have now been confirmed as an Oatmeal Raisin Cookie. School's out, RUN!

I wish reality would back the heck up and let me catch a breath.

08-30-2016, 07:39 AM

But it doesn't check its mirrors first and runs you over in the process.

I wish I knew what the next move was, if there is one.

08-30-2016, 09:04 AM
Granted. You know what the next move is, so you lock all your doors and windows, jump into bed and pull the covers up over your head. (Sorry, but the Genie has been watching horror movies.)

I wish I knew whether my latest endeavor has a chance of succeeding.

08-30-2016, 05:01 PM


I wish I could acquire more useful (i.e. marketable) skills.

08-30-2016, 09:14 PM
Granted. You are in luck! A new circus is being formed, and they are looking for someone who can walk a tightrope 50 feet in the air--without a net. All you have to do is learn a few simple skills.

I wish I could buy an avocado that is fresh and ready to eat (not hard as a rock and not mushy).

08-31-2016, 02:34 AM
Granted. There are three perfect Avocados. Unfortunately, now that you have found them, you have developed an allergy. Due to the rising cost of Epi Pens there is a shortage. The 911 operators are on strike, and the neighbors are all on vacation. You must drive yourself to the nearest hospital.

I wish my day job were more enjoyable.

08-31-2016, 07:42 AM

You're the person who follows the elephants in the circus parade. (C'mon, you know that's an improvement if you're wishing about it here.)

I wish I could be less disappointed by something I knew wasn't going to happen anyway.

08-31-2016, 08:02 AM
No need to waste a wish. Once you reach 55 even the stuff you know will happen and know for sure will be great won't be that great.

I wish I could get my money back for every Disney movie that ever made me cry. Starting with .35 cents for Comanche the Brave Horse.

08-31-2016, 08:13 AM

Although there is no adjustment for inflation. Also, I can't do anything about Pixar's films. You're on your own there.

And if you haven't cried to at least UP, then there is something seriously wrong with you. Like, you are dead inside. And this is coming from a profound cynic.

I wish I knew better than to go get the next glass of wine. Well, correct that. I do know better. I wish I was at least going to act on that knowledge.

08-31-2016, 06:17 PM
Wish granted. Let's have a glass together. This genie happens to have bona fide, ripe, even over ripe, grapes hanging on real grape vines at this very moment. The juicer is on the kitchen table. When do you get your wine? When I turn off "Dateline" reruns, unvelcro my lazy self from my sofa and go out to actually fight the birds and mosquitoes for the grapes, clean and juice them, sterilize the bottles ... I am granting you your own grape vines. The only wine you can drink now is wine you have made yourself. Good luck. In the meantime there is a good "Sinister Ministers" episode on ID. --s6

Wish I could break my addiction to True Crime TV. --s6

08-31-2016, 09:21 PM
Granted. The Genie has removed all true crime from your TV and replaced it with reruns of "Beavis and Butthead." (To soften your disappointment, the Genie has arranged for Keith Morrison to send you a life-size, autographed photo of himself.)

I wish to never see another cockroach.

08-31-2016, 10:36 PM

They are all invisible. They are all still there. You just can't see them.

You can, however, still hear them.

I wish I could be more enthusiastic about a few things.

08-31-2016, 11:55 PM
Granted. There are a few things you are now more enthusiastic about. Unfortunately, all of them have to do with bathroom humor and disgusting menu choices from far off countries.

I wish there would be an end to the rain for a couple of weeks.

09-01-2016, 12:22 AM
Granted. The rain ends for a couple of weeks. But the Genie will give you a bonus--the rain will end for a couple of years, bringing you a prolonged drought.

I wish political candidates would speak the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

09-01-2016, 12:40 AM
There is no way to grant that wish at this time. The word politician actually means LIAR in the ancient Sanskrit language.

I wish I felt my age, rather than ten years older.

09-01-2016, 06:00 AM
Granted, except for the rest of your life, you feel as if you are covered in felt.

I wish I couldn't sweat.

09-01-2016, 06:47 AM
Granted, but you will ruin the armpits of your purple satin jumpsuit.

I wish I could sing as well as Karen Carpenter.

09-01-2016, 07:36 AM
Granted. But poor Karen can't sing at all now--and neither can you. (Being a big Karen Carpenter fan, the Genie tried to handle this one delicately.)

I wish I had a Tesla.

09-01-2016, 06:34 PM

Where you're going to put it, I have no idea, but admittedly the sparks it gives off are wicked cool. ... Wait, you meant the car, not the coil, didn't you? Oh well, too late now.

I wish I could earn a paycheck without having to deal with customers.

09-02-2016, 02:21 AM
Granted. But you now clean bedpans twelve hours a day in an incontinence clinic. There are one hundred eighty seven people housed at any given moment, and they lose their bowels at least twenty times a shift. Mind the corn please, and do remember to sanitize.

I wish pro football season lasted twice as long and they could clone all my favorite players from over the years. Don't get funny there genie, I am talking strictly of AMERICAN pro football.

09-02-2016, 08:13 AM

Yeah, no, sorry. Too many head injuries, not enough responsibility. Ask again in a few years when they sort out their problems.

Or, you know, follow Australian Rules Football. Or Rugby. Rugby is good.

I wish I could earn overtime after the first 20 hours.

09-03-2016, 02:01 AM
Granted. However, your overtime will be only 1/4 what you usually earn. It's the economy, stupid! :greenie

I wish everything didn't get so complicated.

09-03-2016, 07:09 AM

But then Part A has to go into Slot 3 but only if you're trying to connect flange X4b to side 8/c-6. And that's just Step 1.a.2

I wish I knew where I took the wrong turn.

09-03-2016, 07:30 AM
Granted. Oh! Didn't you know that pier was too short to take a long walk on? How's the water? Wait! there's a Great White! Bye.

I wish I was Stephanie King.

09-03-2016, 09:14 AM
Granted. You are Stephanie King of 53 Crackerbarrel Road, in Crab Orchard, KY. You are 97 years old and have trouble getting around, but you remember all the words to "Tiptoe Through the Tulips" and sing it to the mailman every day.

I wish my football team would win every game this year.

09-03-2016, 09:21 AM

Granted. But they will lose every game the following year, all the cheerleaders will have warts on the tip of their nose and one of the top football players will be disqualified for being a teenage werewolf.

09-03-2016, 05:32 PM
As you have failed to wish for anything, the genie has decided to randomly select a previous granting and instead bestow it upon you.

Here you go:

Then it burns down Tokyo. Or maybe it was New York. Might be San Fransisco. Hard to tell these days.

I wish I had the weekends free.

09-03-2016, 09:28 PM
Granted. Your weekends are free (i.e., you don't have to pay anything for them). Otherwise, they remain the same as ever.

I wish I would never see another image (print, TV, internet--anything!) of Donald Trump.

09-03-2016, 11:27 PM
Granted: The Genie mutters, "Be careful of what you wish for," and with the wave of a hand you are blind.

I wish Nymtoc could get his sight back (but not if it means my losing mine, sorry Nymie.)

09-03-2016, 11:42 PM
Granted. Nymtoc has regained his sight, you retain yours...sadly your hair has fallen out, your teeth have grown moss, your sinuses run non stop, and you wreak from the flatulence. Perhaps you should have traded even up.

Dear Aunty, I wish our next president were chosen through an MMA elimination bought. Forty people in an octagon the remaining one would be the victor.

09-04-2016, 12:24 AM
Wish denied. Reason: wrong thread! Aunty doesn't live here; the Genie does. One more such error and you will be banned!!!:dire:

I wish I had a box of marshmallows and a fire to roast them.

09-04-2016, 12:46 AM
LOL! I forgot what I was doing!!! Now I have laughed so hard I can barely read your wish for the tears in my eyes.

09-04-2016, 12:48 AM
Granted. A box of marshmallows you from the dumpster across the street, and the fire where they are burning the old tires. Have a nice day!

I wish I could take back my last two posts!

09-05-2016, 10:50 PM
Wish denied! The moving finger writes; and, having writ, moves on. :e2writer:

I wish I had a purple cow.

09-05-2016, 11:01 PM
Granted. You have a Purple Cow. Your cow is very egotistical, thinking the world revolves around her. She has taken over your life and your house. She has informed you that you need another job to keep her in designer cud. Should have wished for a common cow, with common needs.

I wish every week had an extra weekend day.

09-06-2016, 02:33 AM
Granted. But the fire burns the forest down.

I wish I had a piece of cake.

09-06-2016, 04:22 AM
Granted. It is the specialty of the house, Tennis shoe cake with barf flavored ice cream. Enjoy!

I wish My real job was more like a party every day.

09-06-2016, 06:19 AM
Granted. But when cops arrive to advise you to turn down the stereo you whack one over the head with Yanni's 25 platter vinyl album collection "Partying Till the Hounds arrive with the Toads," and haul you off to county lockup.

I wish Sam Elliot would rent a room from me.

09-06-2016, 07:40 AM
Sam Elliot didn't answer the page but here is George Eliot. She and George Lewes need a room. They did not have a lot of sexual freedom in Victorian England so they are positively giddy about living together in sin in a more tolerant century. They plan on a nightly slap, tickle and bang. Hope the bedsprings are well oiled. While Lewes is a featherweight, old Mary Anne is a beefy gal. When they are not banging the gong they will be doing dramatic readings from Silas Marner and The Mill on the Floss. What a great chance to uplift your tenants!

I wish I could stop zoning out, Silas Marner style, over my keyboard when I should be writing--s6

09-06-2016, 05:20 PM

Instead of zoning out, you get yourself in trouble when you shoot and kill the albatross that's been flying around your keyboard... oh, wait, that's the Mariner, isn't it, not Marner? Um, I'll get back to you. In the meantime, avoid killing very large waterfowl.

I wish the people I knew lived close enough to hang out with.

09-06-2016, 06:01 PM
Granted. But they hang you out to dry.

I wish it was dinnertime.

09-06-2016, 06:09 PM

Not for you, mind you. But the carnivorous cockroaches living in your walls. If you start running, now, you might have a chance. A slim chance, but a chance.

I wish my local bakery delivered.

09-06-2016, 06:22 PM
Granted. Your local bakery is a front for the mob. Among other things, they deliver hitmen, and today they will deliver one to the wrong address--yours--and he will carry out his duties with efficiency. Get out now!

I wish my apartment was big enough for me to have a swimming pool.

09-06-2016, 06:31 PM

We've had to sacrifice a few other things - i.e. the kitchen, the bathroom, and your bedroom - but there is now a pool.

I wish I could do more things with greater efficiency.

09-06-2016, 08:30 PM

But your sweetie took one look at your four arms and ran screaming out the door.

I wish I had a peanut.

09-06-2016, 11:42 PM

Don't ask where it's lodged, how it got there, how you're going to get it out, or what you're going to do with it once you do.

Just don't ask. It's better for all involved.

I wish I had a sweetie, four-arm discrimination or not.

09-07-2016, 03:01 AM
Fortunately, your sweetie wants to put you in the nicest hotels all over the country. Unfortunately, Sweetie has a significant other who is traveling along also. Sweetie is running for presidency, so you will always just be a sideline.

I wish I could help solve some of the world's problems.

09-07-2016, 05:39 PM

The role of medical guinea pig may not pay much, and really, no one will ever know your name, and WOW but they weren't kidding when they described it as a "burning, itching, scratching makes it worse" sensation, but, hey, you're helping.

I wish I knew how to get rid of the weevils.

09-07-2016, 11:12 PM
Granted. Turn the pests into something positive by joining the growing movement toward making insects part of your diet! The recipes in the link don't mention weevils, but I imagine you can substitute them for beetles, ants, worms or whatever.

I wish someone would take my new plans seriously.

09-08-2016, 12:08 AM
Granted: The customer standing behind you at Starbucks overhears you discussing the 1960s Joseph Heller play, We Bombed In New Haven, with a friend on the phone, and calls Homeland Security. Before your coffee is even made, you are thrown on the ground and handcuffed. Apparently, they’ve taken your bomb threat quite seriously.

I wish fall didn’t make me so melancholy.

M.S. Wiggins
09-08-2016, 12:29 AM
Granted, to both Nymtoc and CDSinex*.

* Provided that all things are plannable and seasonable as approved by a council majority voting. Next meeting will take place on the fifth Tuesday of September.

Wish I knew if I’m editing out this manuscript’s originality.

09-08-2016, 08:41 AM
Granted. The originality is gone for good. You can't do a thing about it. (The moving finger...remember?)

I wish things would turn out better tomorrow than they did today.

09-08-2016, 11:21 AM
Granted. But you will sleep through it.

I wish the temperature would cool down.

09-08-2016, 09:14 PM
Granted: In the morning you wake up to discover that it "cooled" down quite a bit overnight, and you don't have your snow tires on yet.

I wish my turtle (I've had him for 20+ years) would tell me what he's thinking.

09-09-2016, 12:26 AM
Granted. But when you open your mouth to thank him he bites off your tongue so you can't reveal his secrets.

I wish I could have wings for dinner.

09-09-2016, 05:12 PM

Not sure how you're going to get them off the ostrich, or where you're going to get that much bbq sauce, but once you overcome those minor details they are all yours.

I wish I could sleep as peacefully as my cat.

M.S. Wiggins
09-10-2016, 12:21 AM
Denied. Cats—yours, mine, theirs, feral, and otherwise—thug-own the market of peaceful sleep. They bottle surplus slumber on occasion, but none of us could ever afford that kind of catnip dough.

I wish cats were more like ruminants, rechewing their cud rather than ‘depositing’ it on the floor in such a theatrical manner.

09-10-2016, 06:15 AM

But now they fart like cows, only it still smells like cat farts. On the one hand, you may have discovered a new, incredibly deadly form of chemical warfare. On the other, you probably won't make it to the open window in time.

I wish I knew what to say.

09-10-2016, 06:33 AM
Granted. But you say it in a dream and can't remember what you said when you wake up.

I wish Sissy would make homemade vegetable beef soup.

09-10-2016, 08:34 AM

Ms Spacek has better things to do.

I wish the dumb*** wannabe banger who decided to try and be initimidating on my porch at 12:30 AM would find his way home safely. He's way too drunk in the wrong neighborhood for that act.

09-10-2016, 09:02 PM
Granted. The banger got home safely, but he will be back with seven of his friends tonight. :e2teeth:

(Occasionally the Genie taps into his serious side, and he's doing this now to caution you to be careful. :e2poke:)

I wish I had a lamp like Diogenes, so that I could find an honest man.

09-10-2016, 09:14 PM
However the bulb burned out a long time ago and the EPA banned the replacement.

I wish I had a marshmallow tree

09-10-2016, 11:09 PM
Granted. But a group of boys burnt it down while lighting farts.

I wish I was thinner.

M.S. Wiggins
09-11-2016, 01:04 AM
Denied. Love your body—respect it because it’s what you’ve been given. Strive, don’t shrink (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zQucWXWXp3k), to make it healthier (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=16Tb_bZZDv0).

I wish for Cindyt’s epiphany.

09-11-2016, 04:44 AM

It's a cast-iron skillet she knicknames "epiphany" and then precedes to pound you over the head with for your preachy presumptiveness. (Tried working more p words in there but it's harder than it looks on a phone.)

I wish I could go home now. Doesn't even have to be mine.

09-11-2016, 04:58 AM
Granted. Your "home" is a cardboard box in Shantytown. You are surrounded by similar dwellings made of rotting plywood, rusting metal and assorted claptrap. Your neighbors are an assortment of hobos and weirdos. Your "pets" are rats. (Hey, I could have made it worse--I could have sent you to North Korea! :ROFL:)

I wish life was easier.

09-11-2016, 05:52 AM

You're born. You live. You die. Doesn't get simpler than that.

I wish for the good old days when there was one place to look for all the jobs.

09-12-2016, 06:24 PM
Granted. There are wonderful "Techie" devices where you can search thru jobs in your underwear if you choose. Unfortunately, you waited too long to search for a job, now you have no utilities. My advise is get a shower, get dressed, Go Out To Companies. You need the sunlight anyway.

I wish I were less angry and sarcastic during football season!

09-12-2016, 06:29 PM

You root for the worst team in the league. Instead of anger and sarcasm, you now have hopelessness and existential despair. (Welcome to Cleveland, btw.)

I wish I could do better at getting up earlier.

09-12-2016, 07:10 PM
Stinkin' Genie!

Granted. You are now doing much better at getting up earlier, and later. You have caught that horrible flu bug getting ready to go around. You are up running to evacuate either your stomach or your bowels every fifteen minutes. Sometimes barely getting there for one when the other tries to sympathy evac. Good luck this week.

I wish we had more time to enjoy ourselves.

09-14-2016, 05:49 PM

Welcome to the wonderful world of insomnia. Lots of time on your hands, now.

I wish someone would invent self-cleaning clothes. Or at least a clothes bin that also washed them for you.

09-15-2016, 12:27 AM
I'm getting tired of your selfish wishes
Get your self a bag of fortune cookies or a magic 8-ball

I wish everything I ever wanted was given to the sisters of the poor convent

- - - Updated - - -

... except the Thompson twins

09-15-2016, 01:46 AM
Granted. Everything you ever wanted is now apportioned to the Sisters of the Poor Convent, along with everything you actually own. You now must reside within the walls without speaking for the next eleven years. There is a large portion of your day spent writing hate mail to the Thompson Twins, in between sacrament and atonement.

I wish we had more grandchildren than just the one. I would really like to spoil a young child again.

09-15-2016, 03:05 AM
Granted. You have 100 grandchildren (Don't ask). They vie for your attention. They climb all over you when you are in bed. They punch your belly and pull your hair. Each one yells, "I'm Grandma's favorite!" The cacophony of their shrill voices causes your neighbors to complain, and finally you are declared a public nuisance and evicted from your home.

I wish I had my own country, where I am an absolute monarch and am loved by all my subjects.

09-15-2016, 06:14 AM
Granted! You are the absolute monarch of an entire country, beloved by all. However, you do turn into a frog occasionally. Fortunately there are plenty of people willing to kiss the absolute frog ruler to turn you back into a human.

I wish that my neighbor would leave permanently.

09-15-2016, 07:23 AM
Granted. But Michael Myers moves into her house.

I wish I had an Oscar Myer wiener.

09-15-2016, 05:19 PM


If I'd known you were going to do *THAT* with it, I would have denied that wish instead. OMG. Have you NO sense of decency, much less a sense of proper safe food handling??? I am just horrified. Traumatized. Scarred for life. Just *CANNOT* unsee that despicable act.

I mean, seriously. Who puts ketchup on their hot dog?

I wish I had enough freelance work to quit the day job.

09-15-2016, 06:25 PM
Granted. You have been offered a lucrative freelance job as a hit man. You can either accept it or stay in the day job you dislike. It's up to you, bro! :sword

I wish I could get a break.

M.S. Wiggins
09-15-2016, 07:37 PM
Granted, but understand the break will be split four ways. Let me explain... In order for you to have made a wish, you had to grant slcboston’s, which means he now has a stake in this venture. After reading your granting of his wish, then pondering over your wish, I, too, have a stake in this now. Whoever comes along next in this cluster-flock could argue they also have a vested interest in your break. Of course, AW admin will want their cut as well. So you got a break, but it’s divvied up among the participating players. C’est la vie!

I wish I had a Tardis.

09-16-2016, 07:09 AM

But you'll have to find a way to April 24, 1876 to claim it. It's a wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey thing, you understand.

I wish I had decent late night snacks.

09-16-2016, 07:54 AM
Granted. Here is a box of Twinkie Wiener Sandwiches, just like those favored by Weird Al Yankovic. Mmmm--good!

I wish the music on the radio matched the music in my head.

09-16-2016, 08:00 AM

The genie can only take so much Hawaiian ukelele.

I wish I could get by on less sleep.

09-21-2016, 10:04 AM
Granted. You get by on one hour sleep a night--that is, you are able to survive, but the lack of sleep takes a huge toll on your body and mind (your blood pressure goes up, you have headaches and tremors, you begin to experience confusion, you develop false memories, hallucinations begin) and within a month you are hospitalized, muttering, "I got by on a lot lesss shleep..."

I wish I could go digging and find a 500-karat diamond--a blue one would be nice.

09-21-2016, 03:13 PM
Granted. But you stash it somewhere safe and forget where you put it.

I wish I had a bowl of popcorn. ;)

09-21-2016, 03:44 PM
Speaking of forgetting where they put it...I can't find you Cindy's wish around here anywhere.

09-21-2016, 05:06 PM
I wish I had a bowl of popcorn. ;)


It tumbles off the observation deck of that very large skyscraper you happen to be walking past today. I'm a little fuzzy on the math, but you're going to have your bowl of popcorn. At terminal velocity. Emphasis on terminal.

Speaking of forgetting where they put it...I can't find you Cindy's wish around here anywhere.


Look above you. (Be more mindful of where you put things, will you?)

I wish they had a roomba for lawns. That I could afford.

09-24-2016, 07:20 PM
Granted. After saving your pennies for months, you are finally able to buy a roomba for lawns. It does a nice job in your yard, but unfortunately nothing is perfect, and it goes rogue, traveling through your neighborhood and mowing down everything that stands in its way. Soon you are facing lawsuits for the destruction of three rose gardens, a privet hedge, five Peruvian lily plants and six apple trees. You are due in court Monday.

I wish voters were not so easily bamboozled.

09-25-2016, 05:14 AM
As much as I'd like to grant it, I can't.

Some things are too ingrained in human nature.

I wish I had some wine.

09-27-2016, 11:28 PM
Granted. The Genie is feeling especially generous today. Here is a bottle of rare, highly prized 1999 Domaine Leroy Musigny, priced at $4,500. (Unfortunately, the wine has turned to vinegar, but at least you have the bottle.)

I wish the pre-packaged sandwiches I get at my local minimart didn't taste so awful.

Richard White
09-27-2016, 11:31 PM

The genie has removed all taste from them so, while nutritious, they taste like a cross between sawdust and styrofoam, but with less flavor.

I wish it was the weekend already.

09-27-2016, 11:35 PM
Granted. It is the weekend, now every week for the rest of the year is one day longer, each weekend one day shorter. You had to ask?

I wish I had more energy.

09-28-2016, 04:54 AM

You are now directly connected to the nearest electrical pole. That vibrating you're experience is completely natural. As is the shocking experience you're about to have. But it will definitely be energetic.

I wish this papercut was in a better place.

09-28-2016, 06:16 AM
Granted. The papercut has gone to heaven. :2angel:

I wish people wouldn't giggle when I sing.

09-28-2016, 06:32 AM

Now they flee in terror.

I wish this cider were alcoholic. Or simply of better quality.

09-28-2016, 08:14 PM
Granted. Your cider is alcoholic because a weird kid in your neighborhood (a nascent serial killer) spiked your cider with methanol. Fortunately, your cat knocked over the glass before you drank from it.

I wish something incredibly good would happen to me today.

09-28-2016, 08:19 PM
Granted. After the bus hit you, they took you to the best hospital in the area. You are a donor, so all your best parts are going to a thirty year old drugged out lead singer in a rock band, music has to live brah.

I wish I had all the answers.

09-28-2016, 08:21 PM

A. B. D. A. C. B. B. D. C. A. A. B. A. C. D. True. False. True. True. False. True. Istanbul, not Constantinople.

That should help.

I wish I could go anywhere I wanted.

09-28-2016, 08:29 PM
Granted. You have a twenty four hour period in which the ankle bracelet will not be active. But understand this Cinderella, if you have not returned within that twenty four hours, lasers on kill not stun.

I wish I were a fairy princess.

09-28-2016, 08:32 PM

You have wings, tiara, and a tutu. And a magic wand to do whatever you want with. You're also only four inches high, and the cat's loose somewhere around here... Move quickly if you don't want to be eaten.

Speaking of, I wish I knew what my cat was up to. He's been very quiet.

09-28-2016, 08:38 PM
Granted. Your cat has taken up residence in a low-life area cat-house. He is quiet as he is incognito. Not sure who he upset to send him on the lam like this, but tread carefully.

I wish the sun would shine today.

09-28-2016, 08:40 PM

The sun is shining here.

I wish I had a remote starter for the oven.

09-28-2016, 09:42 PM
Granted. You have a remote starter for the oven. Because of a manufacturing defect, it also starts everything else--the shower, the toilet, the sink, the furnace, the A/C, the lawn sprinklers, the fake fire in the fireplace, all your digital devices, even the engine in your car. The manufacturer issued a recall, but you didn't hear about it until it was too late.

I wish I could read Tolstoy in Russian.

09-28-2016, 09:51 PM
Granted. You COULD read Tolstoy in Russian, but that was yesterday, and yesterday's gone. Besides your accent was terrible and the Russians wanted to execute you in a public forum. Leave now, while they are considering the best method.

I wish I wish, I didn't have this stuttering problem in my mind.

09-28-2016, 09:51 PM

You have been exiled to the most distant Siberian gulag. You can now read in Russia.

.... I missed a letter there, didn't I?


You now stutter out loud, not just in your mind.

I wish g2 hadn't gotten between me and the other guy.

09-28-2016, 09:54 PM
Granted. Cookies abound in your home. You can barely move around as they are to the ceiling. The crumbs are getting up your nose. Death by cookie. The End.

I still wish for a fix to the stuttering mind syndrome.

09-28-2016, 09:59 PM

It involves years of therapy with one Dr Sylvester D. Kat, but I'm sure he's more than qualified to help you.

I wish it was Halloween already (so long as I have our costumes finished).