View Full Version : Your wish is granted...

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12-13-2015, 07:04 AM

You are now 200 years younger. Which puts you in about the early 1800's. Hmm, something seems off here, but then again math was never the genie's strong suit. (Who needs to solve for x when you can make it be anything you want?)

I wish this eggnog was a little better.

jaus tail
12-13-2015, 09:09 AM
Granted. It sings songs.

I wish the sun and the moon would bury the hatchet and be friends again.

12-13-2015, 02:19 PM
Granted. The sun and the moon decided that the best place to bury the hatchet was the Crab Nebula (about 6,500 light years from Earth) so they vowed eternal friendship and set off across the Milky Way. Naturally, the solar system no longer exists.

I wish the "joys" of the holiday season were a little less frantic.

12-13-2015, 02:32 PM
Granted. Christmas is cancelled until further notice. Of course, all the little boys and girls will be disappointed, and the stores will have to lay off people, but what does that matter, as long as you're happy.

I wish the Christmas fairy would grant me three special wishes this year. Damn, did I just use up one?

12-13-2015, 10:48 PM
No, because your wish has been denied. This genie refuses to have any associations with fairies and cannot in any way or fashion grant wishes from other magical, or even non-magical, beings.

I wish every chocolate in the advent calendar was good.

Drachen Jager
12-13-2015, 11:04 PM

All of your chocolates receive stockings full of presents.

You, however, are considered the epitome of evil for even thinking about eating them. Krampus pays you a visit and I think we all know what he does to the bad boys and girls wicked enough to earn his attention.

I wish to have a mansion.

Russ Mars
12-14-2015, 01:00 AM
Granted, except the genie is getting up there in years and mistook "mansion" for "manson," and so you wake up in the isolated cell with Charles Manson. Good luck with that.

I wish for another great year.

molly brant
12-14-2015, 05:21 AM
Granted. You'll be grating cheese Monday-Fridays at the Homonym Cafe.

I wish I was the big cheese at a Fortune 500 company.

12-14-2015, 08:20 AM

They serve you with crackers and those thing slices of meat that I can't spell.

I wish there was less paperwork.

12-14-2015, 07:24 PM
Granted. There is a little less paperwork but 1,000 times more computer work. (It's called progress.)

I wish I had a better mattress.

12-14-2015, 07:46 PM

You never want to leave it, it's so comfortable. You lose your job, your friends, eventually your home. But you keep your mattress, because by this point you and the mattress are one, very, very comfortable entity.

I wish I had a free day.

jaus tail
12-14-2015, 08:34 PM
Granted. You have a free day. When you wake up, you see a hammock on the garden outside your house. You go for a rest and go into a world of dreams. When you wake up, you get a letter from your boss who says you've been promoted.

I wish to be a cat that lives in the grasslands with other cats and we all hunt gazelles and wildebeests.

12-14-2015, 09:09 PM

Welcome to the endangered species list.

I wish my daughter's cold would be gone before her swim meet.

12-14-2015, 10:56 PM
Granted. But everyone else has caught the cold, so the meet is cancelled.

I wish I had my own personal makeup artist.

Russ Mars
12-15-2015, 12:37 AM
Granted. He's the most desired in Hollywood and is so busy that when he finally gets to you, he just sits around and eats Bon Bons, the prima donna.

I wish I had some mistletoe.

molly brant
12-15-2015, 01:11 AM
Granted. Your toes goes ballistic at the Homonym Cafe while you grate the cheese.

I wish I was better at creating imagery.

12-15-2015, 06:59 AM

The Treasury service will be along shortly to talk to you about those forgeries.

I wish I didn't have to be up so early.

molly brant
12-15-2015, 07:20 AM
Granted. You're on night shift.

I wish I had a bigger income.

jaus tail
12-15-2015, 08:00 AM
Granted. Giant notes, the size of red carpet, are given to you. When you try to carry it, the note falls on you and you feel like a bug under a carpet.

I wish I were a green bug with black spots on the back.

12-15-2015, 08:29 AM

Sort of. Ever heard of a book called Metamorphosis? It's not fiction.

I wish I could stop time. Just for about 30 minutes.

jaus tail
12-15-2015, 11:00 AM
Granted. But at that instant you are stuck with diarrhea.

I wish to be a bear that lives in a hill with other bears, but all of us have our own areas and respect each other's freedom. And also there must be a river down the hill that has salmon. And how about some gazelle nearby.

12-15-2015, 05:38 PM
Granted. But the nearest water source has been polluted and the fish are all dead and floating. The gazelles and other animals who have drank the water are also slowly dying. In fact, you've not been feeling so well yourself.

I wish I had a roomba, a robot vacuum, that would steam clean the carpets.

12-15-2015, 08:36 PM
Granted. But it mistakes your jeans for a carpet and starts steam cleaning your legs.

I wish I had some cranberry lemon scones.

12-16-2015, 03:50 AM

But they're a little bit dry and you're out of coffee. Or tea. Or anything else, for that matter. You really need to shop more often.

I wish I knew what I was hungry for.

12-16-2015, 04:44 AM

You are hungry because you have not eaten recently .. at least nothing nutritious. (the genie knows your habits)

I wish my wife spent a little less time on e-bay.

12-16-2015, 05:05 AM

She now spends her time on Amazon, Craigslist, and Tinder.

I wish I still had wine.

Russ Mars
12-16-2015, 05:39 AM
Granted. You have plenty of wine locked in an otherwise empty room with you and nothing else—no glasses, no corkscrew—nada, Jack! Ain't that a bitch? But resourceful connoisseur that you are, you break the bottles on the floor, take off your clothes, soak up the wine and suck it out. Classy.

I wish my eyesight was good enough to get rid of these glasses.

12-16-2015, 06:19 AM

Your vision is so good, you can see right through things. You can, in fact, see everything. This will either drive you mad or lead to your staring at walls, which will lead to people assuming you've gone mad. On the plus side, the padded walls have a really interesting texture that only you can see. ... Telling this to your psychiatrist does not aid in your release.

I wish I'd remembered I'd seen this before.

12-16-2015, 06:23 AM

The rest of are still rolling on the floor over what you did instead

I wish I had a plate of fig bars and a cup of hot chocolate and an ostrich feather.

12-16-2015, 07:10 AM

No good can come of that combination. Not after last time. No way. Just some things... even all-powerful cosmic beings can't unsee horrors of that magnitude.

I wish I could justify a late-night snack.

jaus tail
12-16-2015, 08:20 AM
Granted. You're a lawyer.

I wish I were a sheep that sings: mehh-ree christmas meh.

12-17-2015, 07:18 AM

There's only room for so many sheep around here, sorry. But you can be one of those singing Santa things that sits on a bookshelf and belts out those slightly tinny and very annoying tunes.

I wish we were where we thought we'd be way back when.

12-17-2015, 08:29 AM
Alright! We're on the moon! The Mars colony is going great! Pluto's still a planet! Too bad about them there violent aliens, no?

I wish for an iron for my sewing projects.

jaus tail
12-17-2015, 11:07 AM
Denied. Magneto didn't let me use the iron.

I wish I were strong like the Beast from X-men.

Russ Mars
12-17-2015, 09:53 PM
Granted. But the genie couldn't care less about pop culture, so he thought "strong like a beast" was an olfactory thing. Now you reek.

I wish my second cup of coffee was done brewing.

12-18-2015, 06:40 AM

It's decaf.

I wish my cat was slightly less insane.

jaus tail
12-18-2015, 08:09 AM
Granted. It's now sane and plays chess and has evening tea with other cats and discusses world events. It also meows in a british accent.

I wish I were bouncy ball so that if someone punches me, he rebounds back to the wall and gets slammed. Like becomes a stain on the wall.

12-18-2015, 10:16 PM
Granted. But you're a bouncy ball, so you're an inanimate object with no thought, feelings, spirit, etc. You aren't even you. You have no conscious nor unconscious.

I wish that I can recover quickly after getting my wisdom teeth removed :/

Russ Mars
12-18-2015, 11:43 PM
Granted. Your recovery is much faster than typical, but having been unable to eat while you heal, you go to a restaurant to celebrate. You're famished and excited to eat. You wolf down your food and choke to death on a chicken bone.

I wish it would warm up a few degrees.

jaus tail
12-19-2015, 07:27 AM
Denied. The sun is celebrating Christmas with its wife and suns. And they've gone to Pluto for the holidays. Sorry can't spoil one's Christmas just for another.

I wish for a blye bicycle for Christmas gift.

12-19-2015, 07:50 AM

I'm not sure what color "blye" is, but seeing as it doesn't exist in this dimension, I'm transporting you to one that does. Things are going to be a little different there. Stay away from prange, it won't do good things to your mind.

I wish I had the weekend off.

jaus tail
12-19-2015, 07:57 AM
Granted. That's your Christmas gift. But the colleagues who went to work on weekend were surprised with a gift at their desks. Oh you didn't go. Well then guess your gift was stolen by some colleague. Sigh. Nevertheless hope you had a great time sleeping in weekend. I wonder what gift you missed. An ipad, a mobile, a car, a boat...ah the possibilities are endless.

I wish it would snow here.

12-21-2015, 08:16 AM

There's this little thing where I used to live called "lake effect." (Remember Buffalo, last year?) I'm sending it your way. I hope you've got about three weeks of provisions stored up.

I wish people would understand the concept of NO :censored SPOILERS.

Russ Mars
12-21-2015, 10:07 PM
Denied. Not even the genie can change the fact that the intellect of the general population is decreasing.

I wish it wasn't so.

12-22-2015, 01:15 AM
Denied. The previous genie should know better than to wish for the impossible.

I wish the faux controversy over whether one should say "Merry Christmas" or "Happy Holidays" would end, once and for all!

12-22-2015, 07:22 AM

I have something else we can all say instead. But I can't repeat it in a family forum.

I wish for wings that work.

12-22-2015, 08:11 AM
Granted. Here's a butterfly.

I wish I had something good to read.

jaus tail
12-22-2015, 11:35 AM

Twinkle twinkle little star
It's nice you live so up and far

Please don't come and show your face
I'll break your car with a spiked mace


I wish the Earth would go back to dinosaur age and we all would be dinosaurs. I'd be a Brachiosaurus.

12-22-2015, 07:02 PM
Granted. You are a baby Brachiosaurus, and as you take your first steps, you see a fiery object hurtling through the sky. A moment later, you hear an immense explosion, the sky grows dark, and the air is filled with debris and noxious fumes. A gigantic comet (maybe it was an asteroid) has plunged into what is now the Gulf of Mexico, and the age of dinosaurs is over. Your life was sweet but short.

I wish there would not be any new apps for at least a year.

12-23-2015, 07:20 AM

There are no new apps. Plenty of new bugs, though, and pretty soon everything stops working. On the plus side, your phone and/or tablet makes a nice paperwork for the last six months of 2016.

I wish I hadn't sliced my finger at work.

jaus tail
12-23-2015, 08:12 AM
Denied. But genie is converting you to star fish. You can grow the finger back. I think you'll have to live in the water for the rest of your life.

I wish to be wolverine.

12-23-2015, 09:33 AM
Granted. You are a fictitious character. As soon as people stop writing about you, you stop existing. Fortunately you get a lot of work in fanfiction. Poorly written fanfiction.

I wish that my life would settle down.

jaus tail
12-23-2015, 11:03 AM
Granted. You're the new Santa Claus. You have to watch over people from above and make a list of good folks and bad ones. Then sit on a sledge, pull the reins of the reindeer, and distribute gifts. And you also have to sing: 'Ho ho ho.'

I wish to be a space ship warrior.

12-24-2015, 08:29 AM

You're Star Lord.

(This is the part where you say, "Who?")

I wish I didn't have to work tomorrow.

jaus tail
12-24-2015, 08:38 AM
Granted. Time stops at midnight. Unfortunately gravity doesn't strong and the giant snow ball that was falling on you still falls. Boom.

I wish slc would try to be santa claus of the neighborhood but while going down the chimney of a neighbor's house, he should get stuck in the chimney.

12-24-2015, 09:07 AM

It'll get me out of work. In the meantime, Santa's put you on the naughty list.

I wish we had snow. At least a little.

jaus tail
12-24-2015, 09:16 AM
Granted. Well there's no actual snow around. So I'll rear some sheep, dip woolen balls in cold water, before dropping them in your backyard.

I wish I had wings so I could fly away from humans.

Russ Mars
12-24-2015, 10:21 PM
Granted. Then you cross paths with a commercial airliner on takeoff, get sucked into an engine and that's the end of you, the plane and hundreds of human passengers that would have wished they could have flown away from you.

I wish for another cup of coffee.

12-24-2015, 11:27 PM
Granted. A cup of coffee is being flown to you from Le Grand Véfour, one of the best restaurants in Paris. Accompanying the coffee is a bill for €210 ($229.89). [Because of the holidays, your wish was turned over to a French genie.:roll:]

I wish I were a better story teller.

12-24-2015, 11:46 PM
Granted. A cup of coffee is being flown to you from Le Grand Véfour, one of the best restaurants in Paris. Accompanying the coffee is a bill for €210 ($229.89). [Because of the holidays, your wish was turned over to a French genie.:roll:]

I wish I were a better story teller.

In keeping with the spirit of Christmas ... DENIED

It is better to give than receive.

Beside, some things are akin to beating a dead horse.

I wish everyone understood the classics the way I do.

12-25-2015, 08:19 AM

But "abridged and modernized" doesn't go over well with everyone, sparking the Great English Majors War of '16. It's brutal. Dangling participles and misplaced modifiers everywhere.

I wish for a Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

12-25-2015, 07:05 PM
Granted! So long as everyone eats a delicious meal today as well :)

I wish for everyone to receive a gift they like

12-26-2015, 07:06 AM
Granted! They also receive used novelty socks and old fruitcake.

I wish that I had some fruitcake.

12-26-2015, 07:35 AM
Granted. It is from the Genie's own collection and dates from 1987.

I wish it would snow.

12-26-2015, 07:39 AM

It's snowing in Alaska. You just have to get there.

I wish I had room for another cookie.

jaus tail
12-26-2015, 09:24 AM
Granted. Now all the cookies have become friends in the rooms and you all play charades and truth and dare.

I wish my orange sapling would grow to a healthy and happy tree.

12-28-2015, 03:57 AM

It will grow into a beautiful tree and be very happy, but it's in your grumpy neighbor's yard now and you can't have any shade or oranges.

I wish I could read Japanese.

12-28-2015, 07:08 AM

You can't speak a word of it, but you can read it just fine. Carry a pen and paper when you visit Japan.

I wish I could get by on less sleep.

Drachen Jager
12-28-2015, 08:22 AM
Granted, and because Genie is feeling generous, all of humanity stops sleeping. Hallucinations and dementia set in over the next weeks as sleep-deprived mobs roam the streets destroying anything that crosses their paths. But hey, look on the bright side, you only slightly accelerated the timeline of events which would have occurred when Trump was elected President next year.

I wish Trump would disappear into ignominy.

jaus tail
12-28-2015, 10:34 AM
Denied. Trump becomes the head of US. There's nuclear war and bam, humans are no more the leader of Earth beings. Genies take over and it's time for humans squeeze in that tiny lamp.

I wish to go for a vacation.

12-28-2015, 07:14 PM

Though, it's really more of a permanent vacation.

I wish I knew why my internet was acting up.

12-28-2015, 08:29 PM
Granted. But having the knowledge why does not mean you can fix it. And unfortunately, the guy who can fix it has just gone on an extended vacation. He won't be able to teach anyone else how to do this particular fix for at least a year.

I wish the soon to retire boss would realize I don't need an update about what the stuff she's throwing out from 10-15 yrs ago every 10 minutes.

12-28-2015, 08:39 PM

It's every five minutes. And now in triplicate forms.

I wish it was a little less dreary out.

12-28-2015, 09:21 PM
Genie wishes you would decide - snow, which comes from a dreary, cloudy sky or not dreary. Fine. Granted. Both of them. You get snow dumped on you from that perfect dreary snow-sky to the tune of about 3 feet. Then the sun comes out. It's beautiful and the temp is near your typical summer highs. This repeats every 30 minutes. Have fun with the temp swings.

I wish I could spike my coffee without risking getting fired.

12-28-2015, 09:32 PM
Granted. You were fired yesterday (the word hasn't reached you yet), so you're not risking anything by spiking your coffee today.

I wish TV news channels would stick to the news and not waste time with boring chitchat among their supposedly charming newscasters.

jaus tail
12-29-2015, 11:33 AM
Granted. They now only tell news. No reprimanding, sarcasm, or jokes by politicians. Wow, just wow. Now news is so boring no one watches it.

I wish giraffes were the new rulers of the world. They can give us the higher perspective.

12-30-2015, 07:27 AM

Giraffes hate puns. You are sentenced to life in prison, without the possibility of parole. Zebras are, of course, in charge of the prisons.

I wish there were other alternatives.

jaus tail
12-30-2015, 08:01 AM
Denied. In life, just like in who wants to be a millionaire, you don't get more alternatives that the ones that are available.

I wish to be ice man. So when I point the finger at anyone and focus, an ice beam shoots off the finger and freezes the target.

12-30-2015, 12:50 PM
Granted. Before you zap anyone, your scalp itches, so you go to touch it and your head freezes. End of story.

I wish I knew where to keep my octopus.

jaus tail
12-30-2015, 01:03 PM
Granted. My dinner plate's empty.

I wish to eat an octopus for dinner.

Russ Mars
01-02-2016, 10:28 PM
Granted. You eat an octopus imported from Japan. It's so loaded with radiation, you develop multiple tumors within a year. Got sushi?

I wish movies weren't so expensive to see in theaters.

jaus tail
01-03-2016, 09:49 AM
Granted. Movie makers pay the audience to watch the movies in theaters. But once you sit on the seat, automatic cuffs spring out the arm rest and bind you. A similar device comes around your neck. Two plates press against your face forcing you to look at the screen. And yeah forceps prevent you from shutting your eyes as the screen shows a black and yellow spiral that keeps on spiraling for two and a half hours. When you come out, you're not what you were. All you can think of is 'all hail jaus tail...all hail jaus tail.'

I wish to have an idyllic life.

Russ Mars
01-03-2016, 10:51 PM
Granted. Your life is perfect in every regard. Soon the completely un-challenging nature of life plunges you into dimentia and you must be hospitalized in restraints.

I wish In-N-Out Burgers were wrapped better so the melted cheese doesn't get all over the napkins.

jaus tail
01-04-2016, 08:59 AM
Granted. They are now wrapped in edible napkins.

I wish for a turkey sandwich.

01-04-2016, 06:34 PM

You are now sandwiched between two angry turkeys. Watch out for the beaks.

I wish edible napkins were a real thing.

jaus tail
01-04-2016, 08:12 PM
Granted. You are a vulture. Now your digestive system is super strong. Forget napkins, even plastic is edible for you. Even crocodile hide is edible. Even rhinos are edible. But I'm not sure crocs are okay with you trying to eat them while they're alive and kicking. Fly for your lives!

I wish to be a dragon pokemon.

01-04-2016, 08:34 PM
Okay, you are now Pokemon in drag. Oh, wait, what was that? Must be this head cold. I misheard. So sorry, but the pink boa and shiny shoes are adorable.

I wish this nasty cough syrup would taste like a vanilla malt.

Russ Mars
01-04-2016, 11:39 PM
Granted. And it's so ducking felicious that you can't stop drinking it. Of course, it's strong medicine and you drink so much, you overdose yourself into a coma.

I like malt so much, I wish I had a free, lifetime supply.

01-04-2016, 11:48 PM

It is also now the only thing you have a supply of. This is great the first few days, fine the first week, and tolerable the first month. After that it's simply tedious. To say nothing of the nutritional problems and dietary/metabolic after-effects.

I wish the snow would stick around longer.

Russ Mars
01-05-2016, 12:52 AM
Granted. Earth slips into an ice age and that's all she wrote.

I wish I could go barefoot without my feet getting cold.

01-05-2016, 01:15 AM

You're a Hobbit. ... Probably should have gotten those important items down from the top shelf beforehand.

I wish the Falcon didn't have a bad motivator.

jaus tail
01-05-2016, 08:18 PM
Granted. The falcon doens't have a bad motivator. But it's got an army of eagles that are heading towards your house. Through the kitchen window, fellas.

I wish I were a falcon that soars in the skies and circles above lakes.

01-05-2016, 10:39 PM
Granted you are a 1961 Ford Falcon. Maroon. Turn around and let me see your tail fins.

I wish my ears weren't full of Mentholatum.

01-05-2016, 11:16 PM
Granted. They are full of vinegar (an old reliable home remedy). When your earache is gone, you can re-use the vinegar on a salad--especially if you aren't fond of your guests. :gaah

I wish I had a Trump-proof TV.

jaus tail
01-06-2016, 08:21 AM
Granted. Here's a TV with a remote for off button and if you look clearly you can also change channels...yuppie...there are channels where we see cheetahs chase gazelles, channels where we study the life cycle of frogs, channels where we see how smart the human brain is compared to a octopus.

I wish to be 20 again.

01-07-2016, 03:45 AM

But knowing now what you'd wish you'd known then now that you know it now and are now then... makes your head explode. Or at least mine, trying to keep up with all that. And we can't have that, so it's yours.

I wish I had better speakers.

jaus tail
01-07-2016, 02:04 PM
Granted. You have colorful speakers. You didn't say you wanted your speakers to be better performance wise. But these look good.

I wish I could read the minds of plants.

01-09-2016, 03:54 PM
Granted, and soon you'll realize that they all hate you.

I wish I had a 3-D printer that could download meals.

01-09-2016, 04:16 PM
you may notice everything tastes a lot like printer plastic, but it looks good.

I wish the snow wasn't quite so yellow.

01-09-2016, 05:10 PM
Since you're blind anyway, just mark my words: Snow is white. Always. If it smells of pee, then clean your frickin' boots.

I wish I could send Porter some eyesight.

01-12-2016, 06:12 AM

Don't know what you're going to do without yours, but it was generous of you to offer.

I wish classes didn't start so @#$%ing early.

jaus tail
01-12-2016, 08:15 AM
Omg did you just use the word that shan't be pronounced before kids. That's it. As Genie parent i'm removing my kids from the school where you teach. And i'll make sure all parents in ten thousand mile radius withdraw their kiddies from your school. Oh, dear. Don't worry, baby genie, it's not a word. Forget it, your professor slc probably said something that wasn't...a...a...oh look a pigeon with two wings.

I wish my blankie would come back to me.

01-12-2016, 07:17 PM
Granted. Your blankie has come back. But it is filled with evidence of places where it's been--and they are too revolting to mention here! You close your eyes at the sight and cover your nose at the smell! Your blankie has gone where no blankie has gone before!

I wish someone would deposit $1,000,000 in my bank account.

01-13-2016, 04:37 PM
Granted. Someone deposits a million dollars in fake bills into your account. The police are really interested in how you got the money and they don't believe in genies.
I wish I owned American Pharoah.

01-13-2016, 08:11 PM

You are know the proud owner of King Putt-in-Holen, an 8-foot tall plaster "Egyptian" pharaoh at the local minigolf establishment. Not sure what you're going to do with it, and frankly it's a little creepy, but hey, it's an American pharaoh.

I wish I didn't have to go back out.

01-14-2016, 10:43 PM
Congrats, you don't. You're quite comfortable in your straitjacket and padded cell.

I wish for a second job.

01-15-2016, 07:47 AM

Someone has to clean out the elephant enclosure after "veggie burrito" night.

I wish there was a cat door in my bedroom door so he could come and go as he pleases.

01-15-2016, 09:12 AM
Granted. He can come and go as he pleases. So can the rabid fox that's been seen roaming around your area. Good luck!

I wish I had a truth potion that I could slip into politicians' drinks before they appear on TV.

Adniel Lenal
01-15-2016, 10:36 AM
Granted. Unfortunately your successful presidential election is going to make your life very salty with the angry people you make fun of.

I wish for absolute knowledge!

01-15-2016, 04:30 PM
Granted. Now you are pestered night and day for the answers to everything.

I wish for a submarine.

01-15-2016, 06:07 PM

It's not yellow, and you can't live in it.

I wish my cup would automatically keep my coffee warm.

jaus tail
01-15-2016, 08:39 PM
Granted. A firefly falls in your coffee. Whenever you want it warm, the firefly self-blazes up and your coffee's warm. In fact it's so warm it releases a cloud of smoke and triggers the fire alarm.

I wish I had the watch of Ben-10.

01-15-2016, 08:47 PM

But your 10 aliens are... well... kind of lame. They make ET look like a ninja. And a number of them have significant hygiene issues. And one leaves a slime trail.

But enjoy.

I wish I could convince my cat not to curl up with his butt on the keyboard.

jaus tail
01-15-2016, 08:51 PM
Denied. Apparently the cat also rubbed a cat lamp and a cat genie came out and cat genies are stronger than human genies. Cat genie wished against you. And now you're not allowed to use the laptop. So sorry.

I wish freedom from all the negative energy in me.

01-15-2016, 08:54 PM

You're now a positive ion.

I wish I could get an answer from the downstairs renter.

jaus tail
01-15-2016, 08:58 PM
Denied. She doesn't want to talk with you. Stop talking else she'll get a court order against you. And even she's got a cat with a cat lamp and cat genie. If she wants she can release a tiger at you. So I suggest staying away from her. If she doesn't want to talk to you, it's all right. There there. Here's a blankie to snuggle up to.

I wish I knew what to wish for.

01-15-2016, 11:33 PM

You wish to be able to tell men from women. Downstairs renter - who is renting from me, btw, which is why I needed an answer on something - is a he, not a she.

I wish the utility sink hadn't backed up. Again.

01-15-2016, 11:41 PM
Granted. The utility sink didn't back up. The toilet did.

I wish I had a wallaby.

01-16-2016, 07:34 AM

Have you seen what the average bag of Purina Wallaby Chow costs these days?? Two words: reverse mortgage.

I wish I knew what I did to my knee.

jaus tail
01-16-2016, 09:57 AM
Granted. You didn't protect it while the renter downstairs beat it with a stick. Reason: you sent a valentine card to the renter's wife.

I wish to go to a forest for picnic like maybe next weekend.

Adniel Lenal
01-16-2016, 11:55 AM
Granted. Hope you don't mind a family grizzly bears joining... to eat you for their picnic.

I wish for the most delicious chocolate in the world!

01-17-2016, 07:18 AM

You are not allowed to eat it, however. You may only admire it from afar, and only briefly at that. You only get to bask in it's presence. Much like royalty.

I wish I knew what to fix for breakfast tomorrow.

01-17-2016, 07:39 AM
How about the leaky faucet

I wish I had a dozen beets

Russ Mars
01-17-2016, 11:48 PM
Granted, but the genie, English not being his first language, doesn't know the difference between "beet" and "beat." Thank goodness the genie used a plastic bat on you.

Here's an oldie but a goody: I wish I had a million dollars.

01-18-2016, 12:06 AM
Granted. You have a million sand dollars. Don't know where you're going to keep them, but you could spread them out on a beach--if you had a beach.

I wish I knew who's knocking at my door.

Russ Mars
01-18-2016, 12:09 AM
Denied. The genie just can't be bothered with someone who hasn't sense enough to answer the freakin' door.

I wish cats came in all colors of the rainbow.

01-18-2016, 01:37 AM
Granted .. but in the words of Henry Ford when he marketed the Model T
You can have any color you want, as long as it is black.

I wish I had a pound of lentils

01-18-2016, 04:32 AM
Granted, the pound of lentils have been genetically modified by Monsanto and will result in you growing a second head by the end of dinner.

I wish Disneyland parking was free.

Russ Mars
01-19-2016, 11:53 PM
This one's easy and was granted decades ago. The parking is free. Didn't you get your pass?

I wish they'd tell the truth on Fox News.

01-20-2016, 01:09 AM
Denied!......Do not ask for the impossible! :Headbang:

I wish I had a box of jelly donuts.

Russ Mars
01-20-2016, 06:09 AM
Granted. You have a box of jelly donuts, but since you didn't specify, the genie went with KY Jelly.

I wish the medications worked better.

jaus tail
01-20-2016, 11:46 AM
Granted. You get the donuts but you have no friends to share them with.

I wish for more days in the week so I could finish my novel.

01-20-2016, 10:19 PM

Now the week never ends. Billions of workers looking forward to the weekend are now in angry revolt, and headed towards your door.

I wish I could figure out where that draft is coming from...

Russ Mars
01-20-2016, 10:22 PM
Granted. You've been advised that the draft comes from Washington, D. C., and you have been drafted into the army. Enjoy your tour in the Middle East.

I wish my clothes would never wear out.

01-20-2016, 10:29 PM

You stop wearing them, thus solving the problem of your clothes wearing out. The fines for public indecency and eventual institutionalization are another matter entirely.

I wish I had remembered to start the dryer.

Russ Mars
01-20-2016, 10:48 PM
Granted. You remember to start the dryer, but forget that it's ill-advised to use it to dry your cats. What a freakin' mess! Don't forget to clean the lint filter.

I wish Chinese food didn't leave you feeling so hungry two hours later.

01-21-2016, 03:49 AM
Granted, but McDonalds is now the main supplier of Chinese food.

I wish I had a pair of jeans that fit me perfectly.

Russ Mars
01-21-2016, 06:27 AM
Granted. They fit so perfectly, it's as if they were painted on. Oops, turns out they were painted on and you are actually naked from the waist down...which certainly accounts for your arrest.

I wish I was already done with my Christmas shopping for this year.

01-21-2016, 07:43 AM

You're still a year behind, though. Sorry, cosmic rules is cosmic rules.

I wish for a 2 hr delay tomorrow.

Russ Mars
01-21-2016, 08:30 AM
Denied. The genie is dyslexic and farsighted and though you wished for a 2 hr lay; he said quit bothering him and go to a dating site.

I wish that just once when I watch It's A Wonderful Life, George gets his wish for a million dollars when he lights the lighter.

jaus tail
01-21-2016, 08:47 AM
Well. Genie hasn't seen that movie so I don't what to say. But anyways, I'll try. George lights the lighter but he didn't know how to light so he presses some wrong button and bam...the entire neighborhood goes up in flames. The neighbors run for their lives and George can steal their houses then set up a garage sale. Perhaps he could sell stuff worth a million dollars.

I wish for peace from the revenge thoughts that are consuming me.

Russ Mars
01-21-2016, 08:58 AM
Denied. The genie says he's not a psychiatrist. See one soon.

I wish I could build a better mouse trap.

jaus tail
01-21-2016, 09:10 AM
Granted. But the mouse's family takes revenge and attack you. They tie you, stuff you in the refrigerator, and lock the door. Then they throw the fridge in a faraway swamp that is rumored to be haunted with ghosts, and documented to be invested with crocodiles.

I wish some oranges would appear at my work desk right now.

Russ Mars
01-21-2016, 09:29 AM
Granted. Oranges appear, and apples--on trees--and monkeys swinging from the limbs and dancing pink elephants. Maybe some meds will help.

I wish I had a 60-foot yacht.

jaus tail
01-21-2016, 09:40 AM
Granted. It's 60-feet tall and 1 inch wide. And it sinks right to the bottom of the sea. Here, if you see in the instruction manual then point 44B says that using oxygen tanks and masks is mandatory for the passengers and no compensation will be given if the instruction has not been violate. What? You wore oxygen tanks...well but they weren't of blue color, were they? Well yes rule 44B 8D says why blue color masks must be used. I'm afraid you get no compensation.

I wish to be Tarzan.

01-21-2016, 09:03 PM

You Tarzan. ... We're having a little trouble finding a Jane, however, so for now you're on your own with the monkeys. Oh, chimps aren't as cuddly/friendly as they make it seem in the films. You might want to run. Now. And start yelling. For help.

I wish it would snow. After I get home tonight.

Russ Mars
01-21-2016, 10:00 PM
Granted. The minute you get home, it begins to snow and turns into the worst blizzard to hit your area in 200 years. You are snowbound for a month and your employer goes broke and closes. You might as well go skiing.

I wish I could get a decent tan.

01-21-2016, 10:53 PM
Granted. Here is a 5-gallon can of Sherwin Williams paint, #9078 Cocoa Berry. Feel free to use it on your entire body (at your own risk).

I wish I knew what was coming next.

Russ Mars
01-21-2016, 11:34 PM
Granted. This is what came next.

I wish Hollywood would put out better movies.

01-23-2016, 05:09 AM

You are now back in the 1940's. Movies are better. Many other things aren't, but hey, why worry about that when you have Bogart and Bacall?

I wish we could leave work early.

Russ Mars
01-23-2016, 07:22 AM
Granted. FBI agents are there when you arrive at work. They've got warrants and are handcuffing the bosses. Everyone can go home until further notice.

I wish I had some ice cream.

01-23-2016, 07:37 AM

You have ice. Lots and lots of ice. You'll need to supply the cream, however, as the storm-fearing crowds have cleaned us out.

I wish we get enough snow to go sledding in.

jaus tail
01-25-2016, 08:39 AM
Granted. You go to sledding. But there's so much snow a polar bear shows up. Turns out humans sled faster when there's a carnivor behind them.

I wish for freedom from hair itch.

01-28-2016, 07:49 PM

You are bald. Completely. While this makes you extremely aerodynamic, it's not particularly a good look for you. Sorry.

I wish I knew why my leg continues to hurt when I bend it.

Russ Mars
01-28-2016, 09:14 PM
Granted. You now know that your leg hurts from too much bending, which you are compelled to do over and over all day long, exacerbating the pain.

I wish the fish in the koi pond could tell me what's on their minds.

01-28-2016, 09:31 PM
Granted. The fish tell you what's on their minds, and it sends you into a panicky, semi-psychotic episode that requires you to be sedated for a week. (You will recover, in time :D).

I wish I didn't have to do things that are so onerous that I keep putting them off.

Russ Mars
01-28-2016, 09:50 PM
Granted. All your errands and chores have instantly been completed--right along with every activity you enjoy, and now you have absolutely nothing to do. As a result, you, too, suffer a semi-psychotic episode requiring sedation. Nice break in the week, huh?

I wish the cat hairs didn't accumulate so quickly.

01-28-2016, 11:13 PM
They don't. Which sends you into a semi-psychotic episode...nah, just kidding. Instead, the cat hairs magically disappear into a fairy realm. The fae are displeased with this sudden accumulation, and trigger your allergies anyway.

I wish I knew how to program.

Richard White
01-28-2016, 11:17 PM
Granted, but you can only program in ancient computer languages. Hope you kept that Wang computer lying around.

I wish it was time to go home today.

Russ Mars
01-29-2016, 06:19 AM
Granted, inevitably, by time.

I wish the U.S. would get out of the Middle East.

01-29-2016, 07:17 AM

Instead we become embroiled in SE Asia, again, because we just don't learn.

I wish I could convince my cat there are other, less computer-related, places to sleep.

Russ Mars
01-30-2016, 06:14 AM
Granted. You've received the gift of thinking like a cat, and after you deliver a 10-hour monologue to deter the cat from your computer, he wanders off to sleep in the clothes dryer. Meanwhile, you've gone out to chase birds.

I wish my heartburn would go away.

jaus tail
01-30-2016, 04:17 PM
Granted. The firebrigade has arrived and is blasting the water cannon over you. Boom!!

I wish I understood all the concepts of electrical engineering.

Russ Mars
02-02-2016, 09:21 AM
Granted. With all that knowledge instantly flooding your brain, you lose everything else, like how to tie your shoes or feed yourself.

I wish I had the first baseball card printed for Mickey Mantle.

02-02-2016, 04:55 PM

Not telling you where it is, though, but you do have it. (Hint: think pickaxe, pneumatic hammer, C4, three pairs of rubber gloves, one set of hip waders, possibly a rubber chicken, four pounds of fresh tomatoes, one live octopus and many, many permits).

I wish I knew what was going on at work.

jaus tail
02-02-2016, 07:47 PM
Granted. The colleagues clog the washroom drain, turn on all the taps and make a swimming pool. There are rubber dicks, floats, and volley ball matches. But you're not in it.

I wish I knew whether I should write the fantasy novel that's barely 2% complete or continue with the literary novel that's 60% complete.

Russ Mars
02-02-2016, 11:47 PM
Granted. You know you should finish your literary novel, absolutely, without a doubt. Unfortunately, paralyzing writer's block prevents you from actually writing anything for decades.

I wish they would come out with a new toothpaste.

02-04-2016, 05:55 AM
Granted. You have been selected to test the new line of cayenne-flavored toothpastes.

I wish I had a new coat.

Russ Mars
02-04-2016, 07:14 AM
Granted. It's a permanent coat of camel hair that you cannot shed.

I wish the ducks would walk by again.

jaus tail
02-04-2016, 11:59 AM
Granted. They first walk by a nuclear plant and get enlarged to giant ducks. Now the ducks are about to walk by your house. Or maybe over your house. QUACK QUACK!!

I wish I were a baby crocodile swimming in a pond. Baby crocodile that can burp fireballs at predators.

02-04-2016, 10:58 PM

Though water and fire do not mix, and pretty soon you'll just be smoked crocodile. Until the surrounding golf club has you hauled out and flushed down the sewer, where you'll grow in the kind of urban legend everyone knows is true, but doesn't admit to believing.

I wish I was a little more focused today.

02-04-2016, 11:48 PM
Granted. You are .00001% more focused. You still find it impossible to concentrate on anything. Try coffee.

I wish I could bounce out of bed every morning, filled with energy!

02-05-2016, 12:19 AM

Try more coffee.

I wish dinner would make itself.

Russ Mars
02-05-2016, 06:03 AM
Granted. Dinner made itself a phone call away: Dial 1-800-PIZZAGO!

I wish it would rain.

02-05-2016, 07:39 PM

It's going to rain. A lot. Now might be a good time to figure out how big a cubit is.

I wish I'd known about the free bagels yesterday.

02-05-2016, 08:17 PM
Granted. You knew about the free bagels, but in order to get one, you had to agree to wear a cap reading "Make America Great Again" for the rest of the year.

I wish I had more sense.

jaus tail
02-05-2016, 09:12 PM
Granted. You have more sense. And you're also wise. Wise enough to live a life of tranquility bereft of any impulsive decisions that otherwise could lead to regrets.

I wish tortoise was the new cat.

02-10-2016, 09:44 PM
Granted: Tortoise is now the new cat; now each crazy time lasts a week or so.

I wish it was easy to earn money.

02-11-2016, 12:54 AM
Granted. Be at the bank at 8:55 tomorrow morning, just before the doors open. Wear a disguise and bring a note reading "Put all the money in the bag--or else!" When you approach a teller, be sure to speak in an authoritative voice.

I wish I could write a masterpiece.

02-12-2016, 03:47 AM
Granted. It didn't turn out well, but perhaps you shouldn't have written it on a bar napkin in crayon.

I wish that hot guy over there would come talk to me.

02-14-2016, 06:23 PM

That one, over there, with the hair and the smile? Yeah, he's a serial killer. But, by all means, you seem to have caught his eye.

I wish I could stay home today.

jaus tail
02-15-2016, 08:53 AM
Granted. While going for a morning walk, it starts pouring and there's lightning and thunder. Frightened you rush to a nearby kennel and spend the night with the canines.

You didn't say whose home.

I wish it rains today so my house plants get watered.(I forgot to water them today)

02-16-2016, 07:13 PM
Granted: The multiple leaks in your roof will ensure that all your plants - and other belongings - get a good soaking today.

I wish it was warmer.

02-16-2016, 07:17 PM

The sun's gone supernova, several billion years early. It's MUCH warmer.

I wish both jobs would cancel because of the weather, not just one.

02-16-2016, 11:34 PM
Granted. Both jobs have cancelled--permanently. Please clean out your desk before you leave.

I wish all the Presidential candidates would respect the truth.

jaus tail
02-17-2016, 08:20 AM
Denied. Instead I'm giving you a new presidential candidate who always speaks the truth.

name's SLC
hails from Boss--ton
eats no geese
carries shotgun

He always speaks the truth, for when he lies lightning strikes him.

I wish to be a kangaroo who freely roams in the forests of Australia.

02-17-2016, 08:19 PM
Granted: You make it five minutes before braining yourself on a low hanging branch.

I wish I could clear my student debt.

02-17-2016, 08:20 PM
Granted. Vinny will be glad to see that your student debt is cleared. He just might need a favor one day, like maybe you can take this body bag to the river and dump it in, without asking any questions.

I wish I lived somewhere cooler, with an actual autumn and winter (I live in North Carolina right now).

02-19-2016, 06:48 AM

Welcome to middle of nowhere, Maine. There's not much else out here in the way of civilization, but you'll have your seasons. believe me, you'll have winter.

I wish I had Vinny's number. Body disposal is a small price to pay to clear my student loans.

jaus tail
02-19-2016, 08:25 AM
Denied. Your student should be able to pay his/her own loan. You will only make your student dependent on you by paying their loan. NO! I will not let this happen.

I wish the office rat would squeeze into the HR's purse and do potty.

02-19-2016, 06:33 PM

The little rat-created pottery is an instant artisan smash hit, and your HR person sells it for millions. Of course, then the company tries to claim it belongs to them, and the resulting series of suits and countersuits bankrupts the company.

... Oh, wait, you said.... Eh, close enough.

I wish this thing I had to do was done already.

jaus tail
02-23-2016, 04:07 PM
Denied. Good grief, this is not what you say when your girlfriend is trying to get intimate with you. Shame on you, human.:granny:

I wish freedom from intrusive thoughts.

02-23-2016, 08:57 PM
Granted. There goes your creativity.

I wish for a cake.

jaus tail
02-24-2016, 08:25 AM
Granted. It's in the fridge, but beware of the centipede that was spotted crawling in the freezer compartment.

I wish sunlight would come in green color. That would be the signal that we all need to go green.

02-29-2016, 09:43 AM
Granted. Everything is now vomit green.

I wish I had a nice, buttery chocolate-chip cookie.

03-01-2016, 11:27 PM
Granted. You now have a cookie slathered in a thick layer of butter. Uh, what did you want that for, again?

I wish to win a writing contest!

03-01-2016, 11:53 PM
Granted. You have won the grand prize in the Fortune Cookie Message contest. Your prize: a lifetime supply of fortune cookies.

I wish I had a valet.

03-08-2016, 05:12 PM
Granted. But while you were gone for the day, your valet emptied your house and your bank account before fleeing the country.

I wish I was a unicorn.

03-09-2016, 05:51 PM

You are now a mythical beast that inspires the fantasies of millions of people. And you swim in the cold Arctic Ocean and eat fish. Because narwhals are unicorns, only without the pesky pooping rainbows problem.

I wish my brain had realized it really, really wasn't time to get up yet and properly conveyed that message to the rest of me.

03-09-2016, 08:26 PM
Granted. Now you never woke up and are in a coma. Forever.

I wish for wool socks.

03-09-2016, 10:16 PM
Granted. You have been granted 10 thousand pairs of wool socks. Unfortunately, you have just developed an extreme allergy to wool, and you break out in a terrible rash. Why don't you donate them to some needy persons?

I wish I had a barrel of monkeys.

03-09-2016, 10:45 PM

I don't even need to twist this one. A barrel of monkeys is enough trouble on it's own.

I wish I knew what kind of cookies to make today.

03-10-2016, 07:33 AM
Granted. You will make chocolate chip cookies. Unfortunately, you wound up using Ex-lax instead of chocolate chips. I don't think I need to add anymore details to that one...

I wish I had some homemade lasagna right now.

jaus tail
03-10-2016, 11:26 AM
Congrats. You're pregnant house cat gave birth to a kitten and you name it Lasagna. Well mama cat had got preggers at home, so now you have homemade Lasagna.

I wish to all the zebras would just jump in the river and stomp all the crocs once and for all. Stomp them to the riverbed.

03-10-2016, 07:45 PM

But without the higher echelon predators at the top of the food chain, the prey populations explode. A rogue mega-herd of wildebeest (and considering the size of a normal herd, the MEGA herd is really, really huge) stomps most of southern Africa into dry, arid dust, thus effectively dooming the entire planet to a Mad-Max-esque future, only without the BDSM fashion sense.

Which is a plus, because leather chafes. Rest of that scenario kind of sucks, though.

I wish I could just stay home, enjoy the rain, and read all day long.

jaus tail
03-11-2016, 08:31 AM
Granted. You stay at home, enjoy the rain, and here's a telephone book to read all day.

I wish I were a tree in an island where breeze flows smoothly and cold showers fall suddenly.

03-11-2016, 06:05 PM

I hear Svalbard is nice this time of year.

I wish I was further along in this than I am.

03-11-2016, 07:51 PM
Granted. You are two smidgens farther along. (Let the Genie know if you need calipers or a microscope.)

I wish I had my own private roads, so I didn't have to bother with a bunch of annoying drivers when I go somewhere.

03-11-2016, 08:05 PM

But then your car breaks down, and as they are your own roads, there are no passersby to help. Hope your survival skills are up to snuff.

I wish I could nap as easily as my cat does.

03-11-2016, 08:11 PM
You and your cat switch bodies. You find out your cat is actually a crime fighting agent, and now you have to be too. You die on the job.

I wish I knew what I wanted to wish for.

03-11-2016, 09:24 PM


Wow, what kind of sicko freak ARE you? I mean, I've heard some really, really twisted things in my time, but that... wow, that just... That poor, poor platypus. I don't even want to know how you got that in there.

I wish the weather would decided if it was still winter or summer as we seem to have skipped spring.

jaus tail
03-15-2016, 09:32 AM
Denied. You did not skip spring. You slept through it, like a bear sleeps through winter.

I wish my eyesight were as strong as an eagle's.

03-15-2016, 06:34 PM

You now have the strong eyesight of an eagle. Unfortunately, someone became so jealous they ripped out your eyes. You can still see through them, but all you can see is the bottom of a ladies purse.

I wish I had a better sense of humor.

03-15-2016, 08:02 PM
You do. You become a comedian, forgetting forever the world of writing.

I wish I felt more energetic.

03-15-2016, 09:39 PM
Hear the sirens? I have wished a giant tsunami wave to wash over your community. There it is, at the end of your street, a wave of automobiles and broken houses about to crest on your head. Your energy level is at a premium now. Don't thank me--it's all in the job! --s6

I wish my granddaughter could play her trombone more adeptly.

03-15-2016, 10:32 PM
Granted. Your granddaughter is playing the trombone more adeptly. She practices every night around 11 p.m. in your bedroom, with the horn's bell placed against your ear.

I wish more American voters had horse sense.

03-18-2016, 05:48 PM
Granted. People now behave like horses. They bite and kick each other. Duels are now fought to gain harems. They panic constantly and run screaming through the streets. (You should have wished for mule sense.)
I wish I had ebook copies of every horse book.

Richard White
03-18-2016, 06:20 PM

However, since horses have not mastered writing, your ebook reader is still empty.

I wish I could type faster.

03-18-2016, 09:33 PM
Granted. Your fingers can now fly across the keys and produce words at a phenomenal pace. However, since you didn't wish for accurate typing, no one can decipher what you were trying to say with all the typos. Have fun editing.

I wish my yard didn't need to be mowed.

03-18-2016, 10:06 PM

It snows. A lot. As in can't get out your door SNOWS.

I wish there was more time in the day.

03-20-2016, 03:01 AM
Granted. There are now 36 hours in the day. Consequently, the workday has been expanded to 20 hours.

I wish my apartment were self-cleaning.

M.S. Wiggins
03-24-2016, 01:09 AM
Granted. Unfortunately, you've been evicted (part of the cleansing process...sorry 'bout that).

I wish people wouldn't venture out when they're Rhinovirus-contagious.

03-26-2016, 01:37 PM
Granted. They stay home . Productivity drops everywhere and since they are also not spending money the economy crashes.
I wish I had a Chincoteague pony.

jaus tail
03-28-2016, 11:19 AM
Granted. But the pony goes berserk when you sit on it. It runs to some faraway forest, kicks a bear, and the bear punches the rider. Oops, was that you? Hope the bear shows mercy before the final punch. Bah!!

I wish I were a kangaroo who'd just punch anyone who tries to mess with me.

03-28-2016, 05:31 PM

You are a kangaroo. You do punch people. You also live your life performing in a circus under less than human conditions, and spend your nights more or less is a cage. (Don't ask about the "more or less" part - you really don't want to know what the clown is up to.)

I wish I didn't have to work today.

03-28-2016, 05:42 PM
wish ignored
based on premise that you expect the genie to believe you are working

I wish I had some more Easter eggs .. the incubator is only half full

03-28-2016, 07:03 PM

But they aren't properly stored. Good luck getting that smell out of your house.

I wish I could spend the afternoon at the pub. The one in Belfast.

03-28-2016, 07:30 PM
Wish granted for you to enter any with current NBDL rules and you are restricted to drinking green tea for the day.

I wish I had an editor.

03-29-2016, 03:34 AM
Wish denied
It's for your own good. They taste almost a bad as lawyers.

I wish that last wave had been a little louder coming in.

jaus tail
04-03-2016, 10:31 AM
Granted. It drowned you and your titanic. Now you're deep in the seas, have taken shelter in a turtle's shell, and are swimming away from the sharks and blue whales.

I wish there were four jaus tails, so i could finish my novel quicker.

04-03-2016, 04:21 PM
Wish granted. There are now four of you. Jaus 2 is writing a sweet little novel about growing up in a sleepy little southern town during the Depression with a lawyer father and a neighbor man who just won't set foot outdoors. Jaus 3 is working on a science fiction novel about a near ape named Moonwatcher who bumps intot this crystal monolith thing. Jaus 4 has taken the pen name Daphne Du Maurier and is concentrating on stories set in Cornwall. Jaus 1 is busy researching the American Civil War. He plans to write a complete history of the Battle of Chickamauga as seen through the eyes of General George Henry Thomas' horse.

Yup--getting a lot more writing done but splitting into four brains has cost you some creativity.

I wish that tumbleweeds were made of gold.

04-04-2016, 06:24 AM
Granted. Prospectors invade your property looking for tumbleweeds. The government confiscates your land.
I wish there would be a Triple Crown winner this year.

04-04-2016, 06:33 AM
wish granted and you are the triple crown winner! Yes! you are the lucky winner of THREE , count them, THREE root canals and three FREE crowns! A savings of close to $5,000! Who could pass that one up?

I wish I could be a star on that reality show about the prospectors in Colorado. Just stick in your thumb and pull out a world class topaz and two sapphires! (and people say reality TV is rigged?)

jaus tail
04-04-2016, 01:59 PM
Granted. You star in the reality show, but you fight badly with a contestant and there are punches and kicks. You end up in the hospital where the doctors are contestants of another reality show titled 'Amateur Doctors...'

I wish I were less confused about my career.

04-05-2016, 02:13 AM
Wish granted, you are LESS confused and determined to be a successful writer, but a new law gives agents, editors and publication assistance to writers who are TOTALLY confused so you are looking for a genie who will grant you another wish.

I wish I could fly, just me, self-propelled, without artificial assistance like a plane...and not be a bird. :)

Ser Michael P
04-05-2016, 02:28 AM
Granted, but you are now a rather large and ugly insect.

I wish April in Illinois was like April in Florida.

04-05-2016, 02:44 AM
This genie is just back from a bit of Florida. having spent a couple of winters in Illinois I can see that your wish is a worthy one so I am granting it. Now why, you ask me, would someone retired leave Florida to return to dusty, dreary, cold Kansas? well, there is a snag to this wish. Its name is John Ezekiel, my two year old grandson and baby setting charge. we call him Zeke for short. Probably because it rhymes with shriek. Don't get me wrong. I love the kid dearly but even his ever lovin' Grammy has to admit he is a handful. In fact, I have known him to bench two grandmothers and one great aunt in two short hours. Don't forget his little red trike, his diapers and his wipes. He had sweet potato fries for lunch so you will need to double down on the wipes. Oooops! There he goes. I don't think that lizard is poisonous but you'd better check. --s6

I wish it was legal to use a boomerang to stop a 2 year old in his tracks!

04-05-2016, 02:47 AM
Granted but you have to transfer to Australia

I wish I couldn't remember what

04-05-2016, 03:44 AM
Sorry, wish denied. We are all required to remember what.....especially the worst whats.

I wish you happiness.

04-05-2016, 04:12 AM

"Happiness" in this case is a very, very large white elephant who has come to live with you, ensuring that you fully realize the origin of the expression "white elephant" and also ensuring that you will be investing in a very, very large shovel.

I wish I had a place for these very heavy bookmarks that are currently sitting on the floor waiting for me to stub my toe into.

04-05-2016, 04:23 AM
Wish granted. You will no longer stub toes on the bookmarks (bookends?), but heavy, heavy hangs over thy head. Be sure to duck.

(I'm sorry, I just have to do this... "Oh, I wish I were an Oscar Meyer wiener...") OK, that's cheating, I did both the good and the bad, so let's try this:

I wish that getting fat was difficult and being thin was easy.

04-05-2016, 03:01 PM

You are now a Zombie

I wish I'd known spaghetti sauce is something you put on spaghetti, not something you make WITH spaghetti (my restaurant might still be in business)

04-06-2016, 04:24 AM
Wish denied. If you make spaghetti sauce out of spaghetti, what would you put it on?

If I wish I were a Zombie, is there a down side or is that about as low as one can get?

jaus tail
04-06-2016, 08:03 AM
Well it's low if a bottom zombie. If you're a top zombie then there's always someone who's lower than you. Okay so you're a zombie, but whether you're a top or a bottom or a middle. Well that depends on you. But whatever you are, i have no discrimination against you. Okay. Now pout so we all take a group selfie!!

I wish all the prey in Africa would realize that they're far more in number compared to the predators and if all the prey unite, then the predators won't stand a chance.

04-07-2016, 10:02 AM
Wish granted, all prey unite.

And become predators preying on the predators who were previously preying on them.

I wish I could think of a better wish.

04-07-2016, 06:49 PM

Although, I have to say, given the content and context of that better wish, you were perhaps better off the first time. Seriously, what are you going to do with all those bananas??

I wish it would decided whether it's going to be warm, or cold.

jaus tail
04-07-2016, 08:47 PM
Granted. It's cold, very very very cold. Like freezing cold and it's snowing so much that when you open the door, a mountain of snow falls on you.

I wish I were a zebra that kicks the cheetah when the cat tries to hunt me.

04-10-2016, 10:31 AM
Granted, but the elephant stampedes you both anyway.

I wish my roommate would clean up after himself after using the bathroom.

jaus tail
04-10-2016, 02:55 PM
Denied. Your roommate is a cat and even genie can't make them do anything. Sorry, i understand your woes.

I wish someone would rename my school building to 'rain', so the building would fall every year.

04-10-2016, 05:18 PM

Although we are in the midst of a protracted drought, so it's still not going anywhere.

I wish I had a TA to grade all these papers.