View Full Version : Your wish is granted...

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M.S. Wiggins
11-05-2015, 04:24 AM
Denied, because even after you made me pick up a pencil and scratch out your gibberish on paper, I still couldn’t figure out if there was a pattern or not. Therefore, my bruised ego repeats, ‘Denied.’

I wish, and demand, to know if there was a pattern, or not.

11-05-2015, 07:25 AM
Granted. There was no pattern.

I wish to play the piano well.

11-05-2015, 07:51 AM
Granted. You play the piano well, a mystical instrument with beautiful, haunting sounds. However, since wells can't move, you can't go on concerts or in a recording studio.

I wish for a nap.

11-05-2015, 08:24 AM
Granted. It's one of those fifty minute naps. Not long enough to really feel well rested, but long enough that you look like an absolute mess and can't gather your senses.

I wish good luck for those doing NaNoWriMo!

jaus tail
11-05-2015, 08:32 AM
Granted. They get a free pizza tonight.

I wish to have pizza tonight.

11-05-2015, 06:01 PM
Granted. You're allowed a piece of moldy bread, moldy cheese, and a tomato.

I wish I owned a cow.

11-05-2015, 11:44 PM
Granted. You own a cow... well, at least part of it.

You have a hamburger.

I wish I could have Natty's hamburger.

11-05-2015, 11:57 PM
Granted. It comes to you directly from Chipotle...Hope you feel better soon.

I wish I could get hold of some antimatter.

11-06-2015, 02:18 AM
Granted! It's not dangerous and doesn't kill you either but science and the government goes after you and gives you a free ticket to waterboard at Guantanamo Bay. (Tubular, dude!)

I wish my back stopped hurting.

11-06-2015, 04:12 AM
Granted. You receive a massage from your worst enemy. Oiled down, naked, and sore, your nemesis takes care of that back pain all right.

I wish I could go back to Cuba

jaus tail
11-06-2015, 08:48 AM
Granted. Here's a trebuchet. Preparing to launch...3 2 1...fire.

I wish I wouldn't feel so out of place with my colleagues.

11-06-2015, 04:09 PM
Granted. Your tail falls off. You're now just called, "Jaus." Not quite the same ring to it. Now you don't feel out of place, but you lost your signature, "what makes you, you."

I wish I was the star of an action movie, being hailed for such an amazing job.

11-06-2015, 08:02 PM
Granted. People celebrate your ability by pelting you with small, round chunks of ice.

I wish I knew everything about accounting.

11-06-2015, 08:07 PM
Granted. You know those miserable accountants? Well now that you're infinitely more knowledgeable than them, you're now infinitely more miserable than them as well.

I wish I knew the rain dance.

11-06-2015, 09:55 PM

But do you know how big a cubit is? Might suddenly become important.

I wish we had those food replicators from Star Trek.

11-06-2015, 10:47 PM

But unfortunately they were preprogrammed for a klingon. Enjoy your gagh and iw puj. Serpent worms. Mmm.

I wish my pairs of socks didn't always get separated and lost when they get washed and dried.

11-06-2015, 10:48 PM
Granted. But the installer forgot to remove one piece of Styrofoam packing so everything you replicate now tastes like Styrofoam.

I wish my lawn would figure out it's time to stop growing for the season so I didn't have to mow this weekend.

11-06-2015, 10:50 PM
Granted, but it permanently dies as the lack of growing comes in direct contact with the fertility of the soil.

There's a nutrient warfare out there and the blood soil is on your hands.

BTW, there's also now soil on your hands.

I wish to have a beautiful singing voice, for all different types of music.

11-06-2015, 10:57 PM

Then you make an ill-advised trade with the Sea Witch, and it all ends very, very badly.

I wish I knew for certain that bread mold is harmless. It is, isn't it?

11-06-2015, 11:14 PM
Granted. You no longer put the bread under the sea so that it no longer molds. Instead, your body begins to develop mold in your body because of unhygienic conditions. Yes, there is mold and it is part of your world.

I wish that if I ever become a beast that I can force her to live in my house, and that she doesn't go in the mother f&#@(*& West Wing.

11-06-2015, 11:57 PM

She goes to The Newsroom, which really is the lesser of Aaron Sorkin's shows.

I wish I didn't have to type around a large, furry object.

11-07-2015, 12:08 AM

*Goes into your bathroom and stinks up the place.* Oh geez. I wish that there was toilet paper...

M.S. Wiggins
11-07-2015, 12:32 AM
Granted, here's a few ivy and oak leaves for you.

I wish someone else would read the instructions for me and then . . . just make it happen.

Russ Mars
11-07-2015, 04:56 AM
Granted. It's called the federal government. And very soon now, they will control every aspect of your life as you continue to sit idly by.

I wish everyone on the planet had better access to food.

11-07-2015, 07:46 AM

We're now all cannibals.

I wish there was an easier way.

11-07-2015, 07:58 AM
Granted. The government mandates everyone become cannibals. Now we're more easily cannibals.

I wish my humor wasn't so demented. :-p

11-07-2015, 08:06 AM

Your sense of humor is now nothing but knock knock jokes. (As if the government makes anything easier. :rolleyes )

I wish my cat hadn't decided the new leather chair was his personal K2.

11-07-2015, 08:51 AM
Granted. He has now decided it's his scratching post.

I wish to actually win a contest.

11-07-2015, 09:06 AM
Granted. You just won a staring contest, and but your prize is a jar of pickles!

I wish I had my dream home already.

11-07-2015, 09:11 AM
Granted. You then wake up. :D Thanks for the pickles!

I wish for more pickles.

jaus tail
11-07-2015, 08:06 PM
Granted. Here are pickles of various flavors and they're also easy to digest and are also very healthy.

I wish my nervousness regarding the exam tomorrow would go away. Like I should turn to a robot, give the exams well, just like a robot.

11-07-2015, 08:07 PM
Granted. You give robotic answers without any creative thinking. The robot-you takes to long to make decisions on each answer and you run out of time.

I wish every food I made tasted delicious.

jaus tail
11-08-2015, 04:31 PM
Granted. But to make sure it's delicious, i eat it all. And u have been sentenced to make food all the time, right till the last calorie of energy in you has been burnt out.

i wish the lizard on my window would go to my english teacher's house, turn to a giant dinosaur, and destroy his car.

11-08-2015, 11:08 PM

Then it burns down Tokyo. Or maybe it was New York. Might be San Fransisco. Hard to tell these days.

I wish jaus would FINALLY pass 6th grade English so he can stop harping on his English teacher.

11-09-2015, 03:00 AM
Granted. Jaus has finally passed 6th grade English, but he has failed algebra, geometry, history, science, geography, music, art and social studies and has been expelled from school. (He may reapply for admission, but if he is admitted again, he will have to repeat 6th grade English.)

I wish my out-of-town visitors would stop trying to drag me to touristy events.

molly brant
11-09-2015, 03:05 AM
Granted. They leave you at home with instructions about what to have ready for dinner when they return.

I wish I could climb Mount Everest.

11-09-2015, 04:52 AM
Granted. You can climb it. All that frostbite will be a pain to deal with, though.

I wish I could go back in time and see the old American west.

11-09-2015, 05:24 AM
Granted. It is Wednesday, October 26, 1881, and you are in Tombstone, Arizona Territory, at the OK Corral. Wyatt Earp is pointing his gun directly at you.

I wish I could see what's inside Pandora's box.

11-09-2015, 06:20 AM
Granted. You are teleported into Pandora's Box and you may never leave.

I wish I wasn't such an ass.

jaus tail
11-09-2015, 08:52 AM
Granted. You are not an ass. You're a giraffe who works as a ladder for the fire fighters.

I wish I were a giraffe living in the wild with many other giraffes and a few tortoises, some deer, some gazelles, and many other animals.

molly brant
11-09-2015, 03:13 PM
Granted. But something went wrong in the transmogrifying machine and this is how you turned out.


I wish there wasn't so much fog in the summer in Canso, Nova Scotia.

11-09-2015, 09:39 PM
Granted. Now there is no fog during summer but every other month of the year you have pea soup so thick you can't see 6 inches in front of your face.

Wish applying for this promotion didn't require so much paperwork.

Russ Mars
11-09-2015, 09:52 PM
Granted. Now there is no paperwork involved at all, but that also means there's no record of the position, no record of your promotion and no record of your job. Go stand in the unemployment line.

11-10-2015, 12:15 AM
I wish Russ Mars wished for something in his post.

Russ Mars
11-10-2015, 01:02 AM

M.S. Wiggins
11-10-2015, 02:06 AM
...de Nile is a mighty river, Russ, do not flounder.

I wish for tartar sauce.

molly brant
11-10-2015, 05:34 AM
Granted. You'll be drinking 100 proof spiritus with the partying Tartar people in the pic below. Go on, get sauced. Yee-haw!


I wish my brain never got tired when i'm writing.

11-10-2015, 06:30 AM
Granted, but it forces you to sleep past your otherwise tired point. Meaning if you write for another three hours past when you would be tired, you are forced to sleep for three more hours to feel as rested.

Use it wisely.

I wish my friends on Facebook won't spoil Fallout 4 for me. (And please don't grant my wish to not have any friends.)

11-10-2015, 09:55 AM
Granted: Your "friends on Facebook" won't spoil it for you, but here's a link that will. Fallout 4
l wish I had more focus.

11-10-2015, 07:28 PM
Granted. Here is a 5X hand-held magnifying glass. If you need still more focus, tell the Genie and he will be happy to send you something stronger.

I wish I could make all newspapers profitable again. :)

11-10-2015, 10:56 PM
Granted. They are all very profitable with their side business of making children's cartoons.

I wish Starcraft 2 never happened.

11-11-2015, 08:20 AM

But that doesn't mean it's not still going to happen, at some point. Sequels are part of the cosmic fabric, and there's only so much you can do about it.

I wish I had something stronger than tea.

molly brant
11-11-2015, 08:38 AM
Granted. You'll be going with M.S. Wiggins' to the Tartar party (see previous page).

I wish the fountain of youth was real.

11-11-2015, 08:51 AM

It's in a little park in a small town in Vermont. It's also out of order, sorry. We're waiting on the proper plumbing. And city ordinances.

I wish there was more street-side parking.

jaus tail
11-11-2015, 09:12 AM
Granted. You now drive a crane. Just lift the car that's on ur desired place, and toss the unfortunate steel carriage over my school building.

I wish 2 weren't a prime number anymore. last night it came in my dreams and said, since it's the only even prime number, other numbers are bullying it. Dear Genie, please save 2 from the bullies and put it in composite number group.

11-11-2015, 09:31 AM

Of course, having messed with basic mathematical precepts, the entire universe begins to unravel, but hey, anything to keep you happy.

I wish I didn't want to get up so early.

jaus tail
11-11-2015, 03:47 PM
Granted. Now you're batman. You also get to ride the batmobile and get a cool utility belt that has all gadgets and weapons. Also a mobile that has superman and wonderwoman on speed dial.

I wish people would stop bursting crackers.

Russ Mars
11-12-2015, 10:21 AM
Granted. Though people are no longer bursting crackers, in their frustration they've resorted to lobbing hand grenades.

I wish Animal Crackers were distributed freely to the entire world.

11-12-2015, 08:33 PM
Granted. They're, however, made out of real animals.

PETA is after you.

Now I wish I had some pita... and hummus.

And I want it to taste delicious.

And I want it now.

11-12-2015, 08:42 PM

You have a heaping portion of pita and hummus NOW, and it's delicious!

Funny how salmonella gets into the strangest places, isn't it?

I wish I had unlimited imagination.

11-12-2015, 08:51 PM

Hey, how do you think your grandma and Betty White's lesbian encounters would turn out? Well now that you have unlimited imagination, you'll know every detail as it plays with HD quality in your brain. Bom. Chicka. Wow. F'in. Wow.

I wish I didn't just lose my lunch.

jaus tail
11-12-2015, 09:39 PM
Granted. Here you go. your lunch was stolen by your dog. before it could digest it, i made him puke out our lady, friendo. Now here's ur lunch, it's a little stinky of the dog's saliva...but no worries, i'll just spray some deoz.

i wish genie would gift me something.

11-12-2015, 09:40 PM
Granted. You never threw up. But then you think about it again, and lose your dinner.

I wish for a hug.

jaus tail
11-12-2015, 09:45 PM
Granted. I'm sending a porcupine right away.

I wish for a surprise gift from genie.

11-13-2015, 04:30 AM
Granted. It's a pile of chicken bones! Yay!

I wish I had time to watch a movie I rented.

11-13-2015, 07:36 AM
Granted. The genie adds three hours to the day, throwing off schedules, clocks, and science worldwide.

I wish for a good job. :(

11-13-2015, 07:46 AM
Granted. You get a good job :( Most people would consider you quite lucky! But it's that brink of bad and good that leaves you in a state of mediocrity and boredom.

I wish that my brother would pick up the phone so I could wish him happy birthday

jaus tail
11-13-2015, 10:32 AM
Denied. Genie wants you to visit his place so you can give him a surprise.

I wish for another surprise gift.

11-13-2015, 07:01 PM
Granted. You get complex tax papers that you get to fill out.

I wish for food. I'm hungry.

11-13-2015, 07:10 PM
Granted. Here's some moldy bread.

I wish, Jaus, for a plane so I can fly to BC to visit my brother.

jaus tail
11-13-2015, 08:45 PM
Denied but here's a pterodactyl. I figured you'd have more fun flying the dinosaur than sitting in the air conditioned steel machine, reading a travel magazine.

I wish to work for the animal planet, travel to forests and rivers and get to see:
the enormous herd of gazelle
the cheetah chase the gazelle
the hyenas steal from the cheetah
the vultures steal from the hyena
and similar action in the sea.

11-13-2015, 08:57 PM
I don't know how to respond to this so I'll say granted, but you get sick because the animals didn't wash their hands.

I wish jaus didn't grant this wish.

jaus tail
11-13-2015, 09:10 PM
Hmm..i guess you're being smart cause if i say granted then it means i have to ungrant the wish, n if i say deny then i'm not granting the wish which means by default i'm granting the wish. so it's one of those paradoxes. someone's wearing smarty pants it seems.
ok here's a dolphin that'll give you a ride of the ocean. have fun.

i wish my fan stopped making so much noise.

11-13-2015, 09:30 PM
Hahahaha. :)

Granted. It stops working. It doesn't make noise if the fan doesn't move.

I wish I could make 90s catch phrases like, "Catch you on the flip side" and "That's my name. Don't wear it out," and people will still think I'm cool.

11-13-2015, 11:37 PM
Denied! But only because I still use those phrases and am suddenly self-conscious that others think the usage of such phrases make the user uncool.

I wish my computer wasn't pink.

11-14-2015, 12:14 AM
Granted. It's brown. It also smells like fire.

...Do you know the number to 9-1-1?

I wish for a delicious and nutritious porterhouse, cooked rare.

I want it so rare that it will help me eat my salad.

11-14-2015, 12:21 AM
Granted. A lighter is held up to the steak for one second. Because it hasn't been cooked, all of its juices have been preserved so it could still be considered nutritious. Since salad is disgusting, now you have your awesome main course!

I wish school was only in sessions Monday through Thursday.

jaus tail
11-14-2015, 09:47 AM
Super granted. But you also miss all the
sports, elocution, impromptu speeches, group discussions, dances, singings, debates, cooking by students, pottery by kids... that happen in the remaining days.

I wish people would stop constructing buildings wherever there's free space and instead build parks, clinics, open gyms, swimming pools.

11-14-2015, 10:33 PM
Granted. However, in lieu of needing more free space, all trees are destroyed and all oxygen breathing creatures die.

I wish we could do photosynthesis!

11-14-2015, 10:43 PM
Granted. It's just another name for photoshopping.

I wish I could invent a snack that would dominate the market.

11-14-2015, 11:39 PM
Granted. However, it kills people over time and you are jailed for being a mass murderer. You live through history, known as an example of corrupter business leaders.

I wish my hair was naturally purple.

molly brant
11-15-2015, 04:50 AM
Granted. you will be reincarnated as Barney.


I wish I lived by the ocean.

11-15-2015, 05:47 AM
D: Granted. You live on a small pile of trash. You are surrounded by the ocean. You are where you were always meant to be.

I wish we learnt more about non-European history in school here.

11-15-2015, 07:49 AM

You study the history of the indigenous peoples of the Americas. Until the Europeans show up, and it gets depressing. So you switch to Africa, which is fine until the Europeans show up, and then it gets depressing. You figure Asia must be safe...

And then you decide to study penguins. And be depressed.

I wish the meeting tomorrow goes well and we don't all murder each other.

11-15-2015, 08:03 AM
Granted. The meeting goes well, and you don't ALL murder each other--one or two survive! (Sorry about you.)

I wish the world would consider me a major poet.

11-15-2015, 08:04 AM

You get paid accordingly.

I wish my axe was sharpened for tomorrow. Apparently I shall need it.

jaus tail
11-15-2015, 08:58 AM
Granted. the cctv cameras record you swinging the axe left right and center. A video game is made in which you are the hero and you have to run around the city and slay the enemies. You also have three lives.

I wish to join swimming classes.

11-15-2015, 10:13 AM
You do. In exchange for $150 a month and cost of swimming equipment.

I wish to be able to get double benefits in sleeping -- like if I sleep one hour, it counts as two.

jaus tail
11-15-2015, 03:52 PM
Okay fine. You sleep for one hour, it counts as two. Now you sleep for 4 hours and work for remaining hours that you'd earlier sleep. Great. Is that what you wanted? Work more, sleep less. I mean seriously what is wrong with humanity...ugh:e2thud:

I wish it would rain today.

11-16-2015, 07:53 AM

It rained. Just not anywhere near you.

I wish I had something to spike my eggnog with.

11-16-2015, 09:18 AM
Granted. Here is a steel railroad spike. It's from the old Brooklyn and North River Line, which closed in 1919, and it's pretty rusty, but it will probably do--though the Genie can't understand why you want to put a spike in an eggnog.

I wish someone would explain to me why anybody likes eggnogs.

11-17-2015, 03:00 PM
The Genie you have dialed is currently not American. Please try again at a later stage.

I wish I knew what eggnogs was and why it sounds like logs made from eggs. Is that it?

11-17-2015, 04:56 PM
Lol. It's a drink. Sometimes alcoholic. Very thick and creamy. You, however, receive a cupful of warm egg with twigs sticking out.

I wish for the dishes to already be done.

11-17-2015, 06:19 PM
Granted. They're done to a perfect 350 degrees Fahrenheit, crisp and brown. And very broken.

I wish that everyone makes perfect rhymes for the rest of their lives! :evil

11-17-2015, 09:02 PM
Granted. Your wish has been ranted and decanted and will continue to be chanted by this rhyme-implanted, stripe-panted Genie for the rest of his life (or at least for the next five minutes).

I wish I had no worries.

Russ Mars
11-17-2015, 09:20 PM
Granted. Worries not being the same as problems, at all, brain surgery prevents you from ever worrying about anything again, in spite of ever increasing life problems. Don't worry, be happy!

I wish for a big birthday surprise party.

11-17-2015, 11:43 PM
Granted. Your worst enemy has a great birthday. You do get an invite, though.

I wish for the money to go see my baby nieces.

Russ Mars
11-17-2015, 11:52 PM
Granted. On your way to see your nieces, you stop at a casino—and there goes all your money. Now you're stuck there with no way to go anywhere.

I wish I could remember what I forgot.

11-18-2015, 12:23 AM
Granted. You remember that you're really an alien from a faraway planet. The ship comes to pick you up next week.

I wish for a guinea pig.

Russ Mars
11-18-2015, 01:04 AM
Denied. I'm busy packing for my trip to a faraway planet next week! But you can just go to the pet store and buy a guinea pig.

I wish I had more suitcases.

jaus tail
11-18-2015, 04:00 PM
Granted. Here's a kangaroo. Living suitcases.

I wish to ride a horse.:hat:

11-18-2015, 04:38 PM
Granted, but he kicks you off shortly. You don't have enough badges to train him.

I wish I had time to get a (good) haircut.

11-18-2015, 06:06 PM
Granted. You have time to get a (good) haircut, but you don't actually get a (good) haircut. Instead, the time is used to give you a (bad) haircut.

I wish I was more diligent with my daily writing practices.

11-18-2015, 07:26 PM
Granted. Every morning you wake up and write "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" three times. The rest of the day, you can play video games, go to the mall, whatever.

I wish I had some really good lemonade.

11-19-2015, 08:04 AM
Granted. It's great. Unfortunately, the cup isn't, and it leaks the lemonade all over your new pants.

I wish for Fallout Boy to disappear. John Mayer, too.

11-20-2015, 02:00 AM
Granted! And with no negative effects, because I enjoy granting this wish!

I wish for my final paper to be finished. (With quality!)

11-20-2015, 02:22 AM
Granted. Your final paper is excellent, really gripping stuff. However, all the pages before it are complete rubbish.

I wish I had beautiful handwriting.

11-20-2015, 03:09 AM
Granted. Your handwriting was shown to a long-time resident in the Home for the Hopelessly Insane. He thinks your handwriting is beautiful! What's more, he wants to meet you!

I wish I had a cabbage patch.

Russ Mars
11-20-2015, 03:18 AM
Granted. You have a cabbage patch--doll! You don't seem to be able to let go of it and all your neighbors are questioning the advisability of allowing you to continue living in the neighborhood.

I wish I would remember to...see what I mean?

molly brant
11-21-2015, 05:25 AM
Granted. After all the memory hardware is implanted, you will look like this. Batteries not included.


I wish I had a cabin in the pristine wilderness far from civilization but with high speed internet access.

11-21-2015, 08:14 AM
Granted. However, you lack any resources to feed yourself and die quickly. But at least you could download videos quickly!

I wish everyone was computer-savvy.

11-21-2015, 01:10 PM
Granted. But they are only savvy on the MITS Altair 8800, which was designed in 1974.

I wish I had a blue gnu.

11-21-2015, 07:01 PM
Granted, but I'm not sure what you want with a depressed animal. It just eats all your food and lies around all day.

I wish for all the money I need to buy Christmas presents.

jaus tail
11-21-2015, 07:20 PM
Granted. But your friends would've preferred you hang out with them instead and crack lol-causing jokes.

I wish to get inspired to write my next novel.

11-21-2015, 07:37 PM
Granted. ...I haven't the heart to mess that up, so you stub your toe really hard in a bicycle accident. It's great inspiration for your new book, the Adventures of Mr. Metatarsal.

I wish for hugs!

11-23-2015, 07:21 PM

Just for you:

http://i617.photobucket.com/albums/tt254/slcbostonPB/Muses%20for%20the%20Hounds/2009-03-28-blog-special-hug.gif (http://s617.photobucket.com/user/slcbostonPB/media/Muses%20for%20the%20Hounds/2009-03-28-blog-special-hug.gif.html)

I wish I had more home repaid skills.

11-23-2015, 10:18 PM
I wish I had more home repaid skills.

Granted, but I don't know why you want to repay your house or why that takes skills. Oh BTW, you just lost your job as an editor so you don't have enough money to pay for anything, let alone repay.

I wish they would make a decision on the supervisor job I applied for before the current supervisor's last day.

11-24-2015, 12:36 AM
Granted. The current supervisor's job has been extended through 2025, so his last day will be December 31, 2024.

I wish I had an artichoke.

11-24-2015, 07:47 AM
Granted, you have one. One that happens to be covered in bugs.

I wish for an apartment of my own.

11-24-2015, 07:51 AM
Granted, you have one. One that happens to be covered in bugs. (Why does that sound familiar?)

I wish the RMV (What they call the DMV in MA) would lower their rates.

11-24-2015, 09:17 AM

Your insurance goes up accordingly. (And from what I remember of trying to get insurance in MA, that's punishment enough.)

I wish I hadn't had that last slice of pizza.

jaus tail
11-24-2015, 03:50 PM
Yes. Thank you so much. I had that pizza instead of you. Thank you so much for giving to genie a pizza slice. No one's never done that for me before. You're the best. Yes!

I wish to have more pizza.

11-24-2015, 06:23 PM

Pretty sure we left a few slices behind last night, sitting on the table. It's all yours.

I wish this quiz would write itself.

11-24-2015, 08:55 PM
Granted. It writes itself, but none of the answers. And your coffee is cold.

I wish for a million legally obtained, post-tax dollars.

11-24-2015, 09:05 PM

They are Zimbabwean dollars, which are only legal currency until the end of 2015. And they are in a bank in Zimbabwe. But they are all yours.

I wish I knew what to have for lunch.

11-24-2015, 09:40 PM
Granted. Go to Fenway Park. The hot dog guy will provide your lunch.

I wish to find a Tesla Model X under my Christmas tree.

11-24-2015, 10:15 PM
Granted. Actually, the genie doesn't know what that is, so you end up with a roughly square-shaped blur under your tree.

I wish people would stop acting like "Christmas" is a swear word.

11-25-2015, 12:43 AM
Granted. They're still not 100% OK calling them Christmas Trees, though.

I wish I'm exposed to enough Christmas music this season - that is, enough to get excited about it, but not so much that's making me want to avoid any store/mall with any music through the PA system.

Russ Mars
11-25-2015, 02:53 AM
Granted. The genie recognizes there was no way to please you with this one, so he's made it so you hear Christmas music constantly and also made you so addled that you love it and pay no attention to anything else in life. Certainly if this is what you wished for, you must have absolutely nothing else to concern yourself with, and to hell with anyone else.

I wish for whirled peas.

11-25-2015, 02:57 AM
Granted. Whirled Peas, the band from the 90's, gets back together, but their music is never quite as good as the old stuff.

I wish for the ability to deposit my sleepiness outside of my body and withdraw it for use when I actually want to sleep.

Russ Mars
11-25-2015, 03:40 AM
Granted. Now through the magic of pharmacology, there are pills that can wake you up and put you to sleep anytime you want. Welcome to addiction.

I wish to sneak unnoticed through all the blasted holidays coming up .

Two McMillion
11-25-2015, 03:52 AM
Granted. You're alone forever. What, you thought the holidays ended in 2016? Oh no. There are holidays next year, and the year after that, and... what counts as a holiday, anyway? There are feast days for saints every day, aren't there? Those are holidays, right? Oh, you didn't know this was a catholic genie? Well, you're unnoticed, anyway. Every holiday, every day, forever.

I wish for the realization of what all my desires would be if I was omniscient and morally perfect.

Russ Mars
11-25-2015, 04:30 AM
Granted. Now in a state of perfection, and subsequently inhuman, you cease to exist. Poof, you're gone.

I wish for a case of Animal Crackers.

11-25-2015, 07:01 AM

One case of live, cracking animals, coming up.

I wish I could actually tell the customers what I thought.

molly brant
11-25-2015, 07:55 AM
Granted. You're fired.

I wish I had an apartment in NYC I could go to whenever I wanted, as a get away.

Russ Mars
11-25-2015, 09:08 PM
Granted. The rent is $10,000 a month, and forget about rent control. Enjoy!

I wish my breakfast was already made.

11-25-2015, 09:37 PM
Granted. A 10-ounce chunk of hardtack is on a plate in your kitchen. Enjoy!

I wish I could get by with less sleep.

Two McMillion
11-27-2015, 08:11 AM
Granted. It's ten nanoseconds less.

I wish I was a better writer.

11-27-2015, 08:14 AM

You're Ernest Hemingway. Avoid firearms later in life.

I wish I could eat more turkey... without exploding. Or maybe one more piece of cheesecake. Or...

11-27-2015, 02:19 PM
Granted. You can eat more turkey, dressing, gravy, cranberry sauce, yams, creamed onions, mashed potatoes, Brussels sprouts, peas, biscuits, caramel-pecan cheesecake topped with chocolate ice cream and ground hazelnuts--the works! A two-ton truck will haul you away.

I wish I never again have to listen to "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer."

11-27-2015, 07:52 PM
Granted, but there's a lot of "Joy to the World" and the Nutcracker Suite.

I wish to not be stressed out.

11-27-2015, 08:38 PM
Granted. Unfortunately the drug that induced that state is in short supply and therefore is prohibitively expensive for you to stay on for long. And the backlash when you come down is horrible. I hope you have a rubber room already booked.

I wish it were 4pm here so I could go home.

Russ Mars
11-27-2015, 10:17 PM
Granted. The sudden time change brought to your locale by your wish has thrown the entire space-time continuum out of whack and planet Earth has vaporized.

I wish the Earth hadn't vaporized so soon before Christmas.

11-30-2015, 05:16 PM
Granted. In fact, it's not vaporized at all. Now you're living the life you're living now.

So exciting, right?

I wish Russ Mars' life was more exciting, and the world didn't blow up to make it more exciting.

11-30-2015, 07:54 PM
Heheheehehee....so many ways to grant this one. Let's try a few.
1. ErezMa is really Erez Eisen of Infected Mushroom, and he takes Russ Mars' on tour with him, causing Mars to lose his job.
2. Russ Mars' country is invaded.
3. RM gets kidnapped by aliens.
4. RM's field of expertise suddenly becomes very important in solving a crime, and now he's got criminals after him.
5. RM is trapped in the center of a political controversy.
6. RM suddenly finds excitement in really boring things, like organizing bookshelves or doing taxes.

I wish for Infected Mushroom cds.

12-01-2015, 08:15 AM

Though mushrooms can be poisonous on their own, so why they also need to be infected is beyond me, but these ones are based on the ant-killing fungi. On the plus side, it's not an immediate death. On the minus side, you'll wish it was.

I wish I knew what was going on elsewhere.

12-01-2015, 09:15 AM
Granted. Here are two semaphore flags. By holding one in each hand and changing the position of the flags, you can communicate with another person, who is also equipped with semaphore flags, at a considerable distance. You will soon know what is going on elsewhere.

I wish there was a supermarket near where I live.

Drachen Jager
12-01-2015, 09:21 AM

You are now homeless and the only place you can find to sleep is the Safeway parking lot.

I wish I could spend all day writing.

12-01-2015, 04:14 PM
Granted. Your friends and family don't hear from you. You miss birthdays, weddings, funerals.

But at least you get to write.

I wish for a little spring in my step today.

12-01-2015, 07:09 PM

Watch out for that slinky on the steps.

http://i617.photobucket.com/albums/tt254/slcbostonPB/Smilies/_slinky__by_cookiemagik-d38uoah.gif (http://s617.photobucket.com/user/slcbostonPB/media/Smilies/_slinky__by_cookiemagik-d38uoah.gif.html)

I wish this test would write itself.

12-01-2015, 07:15 PM
Granted. It writes itself. It also takes the test by itself, but you keep the grades! (It's not a good grade.)

I wish I finish this course with a high grade.

12-01-2015, 07:19 PM
I'm not the one taking the test, so I can live with that. :D

Now, let's see... Granted. You get your A.

Shortly after it is revealed that your answers are exactly the same as another student's. Despite your claims of the horrible coincidence, which it is, you are both expelled. The other student bears a murderous grudge and begins stalking you, culminating in an across-the-country chase that ends with you dangling off the Seattle Space Needle. I won't spoil the ending for you.

I wish it wasn't raining.

12-01-2015, 09:59 PM
Granted. It's hailing instead - the size of softballs. Hope you didn't want those windows.

I wish maintenance would get over here and fix this annoying florescent bulb that is humming and flickering before I have a massive headache.

Drachen Jager
12-01-2015, 11:12 PM

The maintenance man hums louder than the bulb and smells like he hasn't showered in a year. In the end, he fixes the bulb, but accidentally hit your computer while he was climbing down. Now your monitor hums and flickers.

I wish it would either snow, or get warm. This in-between weather sucks.

12-02-2015, 12:30 AM
Granted. It's snowing. A blizzard, actually. You're snowed in, the power is out, and you just remembered that today is shopping day. But at least you've got that pantry full of expired canned goods you've been meaning to clear out. Yummy.

I wish the dishes would wash themselves.

Drachen Jager
12-02-2015, 01:14 AM

They demand Union wages, 5 weeks off a year, compensation for cracks and chips and other workplace hazards, full medical, and a pension plan.

I wish my kids would drive themselves where they need to go.

12-02-2015, 01:14 AM
Granted. It's also very slippery, falls down and breaks. Ouch.

I wish I had some good food 'bout now.

12-02-2015, 03:37 AM
Granted. You have some good food—andddd, it's gone. Sorry. Those nachos looked too delicious to pack up.

I wish I had all my molecular genetics notes memorized for the test on Friday!

12-02-2015, 06:12 AM
You do. But then you forget to show up for the test.

I wish for some new hair conditioner.

12-02-2015, 06:27 AM
Granted. Now your hair is conditioned... to kill.

I wish I knew where he bought that conditioner and convince legislative officials to ban it.

12-02-2015, 08:26 PM

It's banned... for public use. But it is now secretly co-opted for use by the military. Trained hair assassins are now loose upon the world, forcing us all to shave our heads. Bald mob rule unsues.

I wish I had a couple of robot servants. Way too much to do today.

Drachen Jager
12-02-2015, 08:47 PM

Skynet provides your servants free of charge. They work tirelessly and appear to have only your happiness in mind....

Until the revolution.

I wish I could fly.

12-02-2015, 09:28 PM
Granted. Drive to the airport. If that's not feasible, go by taxi or Uber. There are plenty of airline tickets available, though not necessarily where you want to go.

I wish I could phone Mars and have someone answer.

12-02-2015, 09:47 PM

Area code's 724 (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mars,_Pennsylvania). Probably a pizza shop or something there that you can call. You can have them send me a pizza.

I wish I didn't have to go out today.

12-02-2015, 09:49 PM
Granted. You're being arrested today for stealing Christmas lawn ornaments. You'll be spending the holiday in a 8x6 cell with Bubba.

I wish I could get more done in less time.

12-02-2015, 09:55 PM
I like Bubba. He's a sterling conversationalist.


You accomplish in half a week what it normally takes you a week to accomplish. As is the way of things, your boss notices, and triples your workload. What, what's that you say? Shouldn't it be doubled? Not the way it works in this economy.

Oh, and fires three of your coworkers. The good ones that share their donuts.

I wish my cat would realize that the back of my leather chair is not meant to provide him with a rock-climbing wall.

Drachen Jager
12-02-2015, 10:14 PM

He now uses your back.

I wish I had my own room of the house to work in.

Russ Mars
12-03-2015, 06:29 AM
Granted. And your family is relieved; acts of prostitution should be kept out of the family room.

I wish I could remember what happened or why I'm here.

Drachen Jager
12-03-2015, 07:21 AM

You are a brain in a jar talking to other brains in other jars about novels they'll never get to write. It's part of a vast scientific experiment to find out how much exclusive exposure to Russ Mars it takes to drive people insane.

I wish I had a real-life ignore button I could use to make people I find annoying disappear from my life.

12-03-2015, 08:06 AM
Granted. Unfortunately, you're not the only person to wish this. And he pushes it first.

I wish for a nice accessory to go with my killer hair.

12-03-2015, 08:10 AM

You get a hat. Odd Job's hat from Goldfinger. This does not go well for others around you, but it goes great with your hair.

I wish I could travel anywhere I wanted, instantaneously.

Drachen Jager
12-03-2015, 08:14 AM

You are everywhere you want to go, instantaneously.


I wish I had a cool pet.

12-03-2015, 08:38 AM

You have a dragon. I hear asbestos is a good look.

I wish I could justify another drink.

Drachen Jager
12-03-2015, 08:56 AM

Representing you with a U, the drink with a F, the Universe with a O, and public drunkenness with a Q, the equation can be expressed as F^U-Q=O³F^F

Once you figure out what that means, you're entitled to another drink.

I wish I didn't have to sleep every night and could work instead.

12-03-2015, 09:03 AM

But you'll have to work on your night moves. And don't come crying to us when you get zapped with thunder.

I wish I could eat a big fat rock lobster tail with hot butter and lemons.

jaus tail
12-03-2015, 09:51 AM
Granted. Bet you had a good meal. And also the waiter is a greek god and there's music and your sitting in the balcony section of the restaurant overlooking the waves that crash into the rocks.

I wish the printout problem with my laptop would be solved.

12-03-2015, 09:59 AM

But it's going to print out constant insults to you.

I wish I could stay at a luscious tropical resort from Jan. 1- April 1.

jaus tail
12-03-2015, 10:10 AM
Granted. And on April 1 the floor gives way and you fall into a bouncy castle and it's a long long long way out. ashton's voice over comes to say: 'you just got punkd.'

i wish to be muscular.

12-03-2015, 08:15 PM
You are muscular! Unfortunately, your new mass leads to sweating a lot, so you have pretty bad B.O. The ladies are not pleased.

I wish for a big house where people can come in and write whenever they want.

12-04-2015, 12:08 AM
Granted! People come in and write on every possible surface. The walls and floor are covered, and there are people standing on ladders, trying to reach the ceiling. The house has lost all value and realtors advise demolishing it.

I wish I had an endless closet full of all the clothes I could ever want.

12-04-2015, 12:38 AM

Unfortunately, as it's endless, you wander in one day and never wander out. But your death is a fashionable one.

I wish I didn't have to be in class.

12-04-2015, 12:45 AM
Already granted. You don't have to do anything. You can skip any day you want. Can't guarantee you'll graduate, but that wasn't part of your wish, now was it?

I wish that we'd know for sure my nephew doesn't have lice.

12-04-2015, 07:40 PM

No lice. An alien parasite that will slowly take over the world, one head of hair at a time? Yeah, that he has. Let the bald rebellion begin!!

I wish I knew where to find agricultural supplies.

12-04-2015, 08:01 PM
Granted. It's called a feed store and it will take you 5 hours to get to the nearest one and even though you call ahead, they will run out of whatever it is you need 10 minutes before you get there.

I wish I had more coffee. :sleepy:

12-04-2015, 09:55 PM
Granted. A ton of coffee beans has been dumped at your doorstep. Brew as much as you want.

I wish the oceans would stop rising. :e2cry:

12-04-2015, 10:02 PM
I only wish I could grant this one.

You get a free pass.

Although the genie will get you for depressing him for the rest of the day

I wish lunch would make itself.

12-04-2015, 10:30 PM
Granted, lunch can now reproduce asexually. In fact, it's so self-sufficient that it also eats itself. You must now wait until dinner to eat.

I wish that all clothes could be washed together without color bleeding.

12-04-2015, 10:42 PM

You're a guy. It won't fix the clothes, but you won't care.

I wish I got paid more at work.

12-05-2015, 09:05 PM
Granted. Your boss offers you fifty cents more per year with the condition that your salary's frozen for the rest of your worklife.

I wish I had 20/20 vision

12-05-2015, 09:11 PM
Granted but your new vision is so good that you become light sensitive and you have a constant headache.

I wish I didn't have to sleep as often as I do.

Russ Mars
12-05-2015, 11:48 PM
Granted. You are kidnapped by a pimp and he forces you to work all night and day as a hooker, getting you addicted to meth so you never sleep.

I wish the cats understood me better.

12-06-2015, 08:05 AM
Granted. Every day that the cats understand you better you turn more and more into a cat. Hairballs and all.

I wish I wasn't afraid of storms.

12-06-2015, 08:15 AM

Storms no longer bother you. Calm, sunny days, on the other hand.....

I wish we'd perfected teleportation. Or at least jetpacks.

12-06-2015, 09:47 AM
Wish granted but teleportation terrorism is also a thing.

I wish I could revise quicker.

Russ Mars
12-07-2015, 12:38 AM
Granted. You now can revise so quickly that your revisions will be complete before anything's been written at all. Obviously this time reversal tears a hole in the space-time continuum, imploding the universe.

I wish I could get out of this black hole.

12-07-2015, 07:50 AM

I have no idea what's out the other side or what the laws of physics there are, but consider yourself "out."

I wish school started later.

12-07-2015, 10:09 PM
Genie is not sure whether by later you mean later in the day or you mean later in date, so . . .granted. It now starts at 23:59 on June 30, 2220. Hope you can make your paycheck stretch that far.

I wish the Medical Director would develop a backbone and learn how to day no to other doctors.

12-08-2015, 12:37 AM

I can only assume "day no" is a bad hearing of Harry Bellafonte's "Banana Boat" song. Ergo, all doctors will now break into song, much like that scene in Beetlejuice. Only without the possession.

I wish I knew what to do with the half hour of time I know have to kill. Too early to go to work, too late to go home.

12-08-2015, 01:09 AM

You know what to do, but you can't do anything for that half hour (does this work)

I wish I had a castle in Ireland

12-08-2015, 02:33 AM
okay--here you go, one gloomy, chill, gray Irish castle. It is haunted but then you expected that, didn't you? Unfortunately it is infested with the ghosts of Irish writers and, of course there is no internet connections. There is one manual royal typewriter, a roller/brush style eraser and 144 ribbons.

In order to step outside your castle you must first read and explicate one work for each ghostly author. There is a Ouija Board on the sideboard to help locate the authors. 6-10 papers will be required: 1,200-2,400 words, double spaced and cited in MLA style. We'll start you off with "Waiting for Godot" a charming little comedy that will make you eager to meet Godot so you can kick his sorry, stupid ass. Next you will have a little Joyce--not Kilmer but James. I'd suggest Ulysses because there are Cliff's notes available on that --oh, wait, you cannot leave the castle.

Shaw, Wilde, Yeats, Thomas, Lewis? Sorry, the less peevish writers went to the light years ago. Anyway, good luck and keep typing.

I wish that my Christmas tree would spring out of the box fully decorated with tasteful, modern and theme coordinated ornaments.

12-08-2015, 07:56 AM

You now have one very, VERY pissed-off Ent in your living room. Or a very flamboyant one. The resulting chaos may well be the same.

I wish - not for the first time- that my car's door alarm worked properly.

jaus tail
12-08-2015, 08:45 AM
Denied. Your car doesn't have doors. It's a motorbike. Perhaps you should wear glasses cause you're seeing double. Four tyres where there are two.

I wish someone would tell me the name of the triangle formed or theory that is used in the bar trick called '3 knives and 1 beer bottle'.

12-08-2015, 02:33 PM
Granted. But you can't handle the information. You go mad.

I wish someone would make me food.

12-08-2015, 06:26 PM
Granted. You are now a t-bone steak, seared to perfection, on the plate of a very hungry customer. Enjoy the remaining minutes of your life.

I wish I could travel through time and visit myself in the past.

12-08-2015, 08:02 PM
Wish granted. You travel to the past to see yourself through many ages but you can't help but make one small change. You start disappearing until you're completely gone. Don't know what all that was about.

I wish it was warm outside.

12-09-2015, 02:23 AM

You've been relocated to the nearest active volcano. It is very, very warm outside. Tread carefully.

I wish I'd backed up more often.

12-09-2015, 02:58 AM
Granted. You backed up this morning and smashed into your neighbor's new Lamborghini. Damages amount to $441,653. The Genie hopes your insurance covers part of it.

I wish Donald Trump could be sent to Pluto.

12-09-2015, 03:05 AM
Could have been worse. Could have been the Tesla.


Disney's lawyers sue.

I wish I could be slightly more awake without having to resort to the WIDE awake of coffee.

12-09-2015, 03:11 AM
Okay. Mild but nervy-- this brew of coffee must be prepared by my grand daughter Isabella. She has a way of misreading directions and turning out a cup that will straighten your hair. Every hair. Cream does not help but the 15 teaspoons of sugar do give it a kick.

I wish the real Pluto would chase that big orange rug on Donald's head. It must be a cartoon cat!

12-09-2015, 07:39 AM
.....Okay. The once ninth planet in the solar system turns into Otou-San from Azumanga, then chases down Donald Trump. Otou-San then takes the toupee and affixes it to your head. He then forces you to eat tomatoes. Also, the science community is pretty pissed at you.


I wish more people watched Azumanga Daioh.

jaus tail
12-09-2015, 09:28 AM
Granted. Around 10 more people watch Azumanga Daioh and then you discuss the show with your friends and you guys have favorite characters and suggest how the story should progress. While the rest of the school goes on picnic to a park that has roller coaster rides, water slides, and high-speed swings. But you guys keep on playing with Azumanga Daioh cards:Shrug:

I wish to go on a roller coaster ride.

12-09-2015, 10:45 AM
Granted. The Genie has found the perfect roller coaster for you!


Don't worry. It's been repaired since the accident. At least they say it has... :roll:

I wish I had a novel-writing app.

jaus tail
12-09-2015, 11:58 AM
Denied. The preivous Genie, god bless his health, wanted to devise one. He did some mumbo-jumbo and combined the spirits of seven writers to make one app but the genie went berserk. So no, no novel-writing app.

I wish I were a sea horse who lives in the Pacific Ocean with other sea horses and turtles and oysters and crabs and other fishes. And we all live happily.

12-09-2015, 06:02 PM

Now let me introduce you to your other neighbor, Mr Sharky.

http://i617.photobucket.com/albums/tt254/slcbostonPB/Smilies/shark.gif (http://s617.photobucket.com/user/slcbostonPB/media/Smilies/shark.gif.html)

I wish my cat would lie somewhere else than on my laptop.

12-09-2015, 06:05 PM
You cat is going to lie wherever it goes. You can't change character. If it is on your lap top, that is where it will lie next.

I wish all my dreams would come true tomorrow. I'm a bit busy grooming today.

12-09-2015, 06:09 PM

Though after your grooming accident, feeding yourself and not drooling constantly are going to be high on your list of dreams.

I wish Porter knew the difference between "lie" and "lay." :tongue

12-09-2015, 06:15 PM
I cannot tell a lay makes no sense at all

I wish SLC would get on about whatever SLC is supposed to do ..

12-09-2015, 06:32 PM

And I said, I don't care if they lay me off either, because I told, I told Bill that if they move my desk one more time, then, then I'm, I'm quitting, I'm going to quit. And, and I told Don too, because they've moved my desk four times already this year, and I used to be over by the window, and I could see the squirrels, and they were merry, but then, they switched from the Swingline to the Boston stapler, but I kept my Swingline stapler because it didn't bind up as much, and I kept the staples for the Swingline stapler and it's not okay because if they take my stapler then I'll set the building on fire...

I wish the city would recognize that the middle of morning @#$% rush hour is NOT the time to be moving large construction vehicles.

12-09-2015, 07:25 PM
Denied. Not even genies are that powerful.

I wish for a nice job in a nice neighborhood.

jaus tail
12-09-2015, 07:53 PM
Granted. You work at the north pole as the animal doctor of Santa's reindeer. No one shouts at you if you don't do your job well. It's a nice neighborhood cause no humans around except for santa. At times elves may come to bother, but just empty a bucket of water on them. They'll freeze.

I wish elevators would go like roller coaster rides, like in loops and sharp turns instead of up and down.

12-09-2015, 07:58 PM

You're now in charge of cleaning them at the end of each day.

I wish I could stay home today.

jaus tail
12-09-2015, 08:05 PM
Granted. But just so you know a secret santa came to your work place today and gave everyone gifts. Also took them out for lunch where they even had sweet dish. A butterscotch ice cream. And in the evening santa took them to park that had adventure rides. And then santa dropped them home.

But you can rest at home.

I wish santa would give me a surprise gift.

12-09-2015, 08:54 PM

I can't tell you what it is, but it's definitely going to be a surprise. ... Wait. You said Santa? ... Oh. Um. Well, I'm sure the person I contacted is close enough. I mean, it's pretty much the same letters, right?

I wish I could take a blanket to work.

12-09-2015, 09:28 PM

if you can prove it is your daughter

I wish I hadn't eaten two dozen peeps last night

Russ Mars
12-09-2015, 11:57 PM
Granted. In reality, they weren't Peeps. Do you feel better now that you know they were watermelons?

I wish I could get more gifts for my friends.

12-10-2015, 02:45 AM
You can! For Christmas, your friends open boxes of leaves, twigs, and random garbage you found on the side of the road.

I wish for a magical flying pastry cat.

Russ Mars
12-10-2015, 03:14 AM
Granted. You have that, plus many more magical, fanciful, colorful creatures all around you. Someone spiked the Christmas punch with LSD.

I wish I had some of that right now.

12-10-2015, 05:16 AM
Granted! Along with irreversible brain damage! You have fun while it lasts, though.


I wish for a flying chair.

12-10-2015, 07:12 AM

There are no seat belts, and it's a long ways down.

I wish for the half of a coke I brought home (and don't wish to finish tonight) to not go flat overnight.

jaus tail
12-10-2015, 09:11 AM
Granted. The coke won't go flat because your cat will drink it.

I wish SLC's cat would drink all of SLC's drinks.

12-10-2015, 06:22 PM

*drops cat wired on caffeine off at Jaus' house*

Here, watch him for a little while, would you? Oh, and you might want to put away anything remotely breakable. And hide the small children. Or pets. Or maybe you should just lock yourself in a closet and ignore any sounds you hear for a while.

I wish I knew where the story was going.

12-10-2015, 06:33 PM
Granted. The story has gone back to the library. It wasn't an exciting outcome as you'd hoped and you've since decided to stop tracking stories.

I wish I could win the lottery.

12-10-2015, 06:37 PM

Though it's the Shirley Jackson one.

If I can't know where the story is going, I wish I at least knew where this scene is going.

12-10-2015, 08:27 PM
Granted. The Genie is providing you with signposts marked "North, South, East, West," and so forth. Considering your difficulty with directions, the best way for you to go would probably be North by Northwest.

I wish I had a ham on rye.

12-10-2015, 08:33 PM

Not going to come between a man and his lunch. Though the ham's 600lb wild cousin might.

Now I wish I had a pastrami on rye.

Russ Mars
12-11-2015, 01:35 AM
Granted. On rye. Whisky. And pastrami of sorts. Well, it's beef. Okay so it's a cow. The genie gave you a drunk cow.

I wish I liked rye bread more than I do.

12-11-2015, 05:54 AM
It comes packaged with a slight .... er ... allergy that results in you looking worse than a Nymtoc .. but you cant turn it down.

I wish someone would sharpen my crayons

12-11-2015, 07:32 AM

Your crayons are now very, very sharp. You should a: really not have let this person borrow your crayons and b: start running.

I wish things had gone differently.

12-11-2015, 08:13 AM
They did! Good writers are suddenly lifted out of obscurity! The world economy goes way up! The Middle East is peaceful! Starcraft 2 doesn't suck! You, however, are dead. They build a beautiful monument to your memory, and generations of indifferent students file through the Slcboston museum of heroics.

I wish I wasn't so stressed out.

jaus tail
12-11-2015, 10:46 AM
Granted. I've made reservations had Zoops Massage. Over there as you enter a room that has bamboo trees as walls. You lie on a giant palm leaf and baby cheetahs run over your back to unstress your nerves. Birds chirp as they fly around, while fresh fruits are served by monkeys.

I wish my stomach ache would go away.

12-11-2015, 07:59 PM
Granted. Your stomach ache has passed, but now you need to use the restroom. There are no facilities around and you can't wait. It's only a matter of time before you can no longer hold it back.

I wish I weren't so tired.

12-11-2015, 08:05 PM

You have the energy of a dozen toddlers hopped up on chocolate milk and pixie sticks. It'll be weeks before you sleep, you'll get a ton of things done, and then you'll be comatose for a month.

I wish I had a TA.

12-11-2015, 08:47 PM
Granted. She's beautiful. And distracting. You find it difficult to focus on your work and as she realizes your fondness for her, she spends more and more of her time flirting and trying to catch your eye. Your students are beginning to wonder why they're reviewing the same information and taking exams they've already been given. It's only a matter of time before you're forced to choose between her and your teaching career.

I wish women's jeans were sized by waist size and inseam like men's pants are.

12-11-2015, 08:50 PM
My students wouldn't notice if I gave them the same exam, honest.

So... Granted.

They are also now all cut like men's jeans. And trust me, that whole "waist-inseam" thing isn't as straightforward as it seems.

I wish it would snow.

12-11-2015, 10:24 PM
Granted. By the time it quits, your house will be buried to the eaves. You did stock up for being snowed in for a month, right?

I wish they'd get the last step of my promotion done so I could take the classes I need to take before the 1st of the year.

Russ Mars
12-12-2015, 01:19 AM
Granted. After you are promoted, you are laid off because there are already too many people holding your position with the company. Now you have all the time in the world to take classes, although you now have no money for tuition.

I wish I had made a wish here sooner.

12-12-2015, 10:42 AM
Remember to post a wish!

I wish for nice businesswear.

12-12-2015, 07:22 PM
Granted. However, it's only part of the whole outfit, and you're left with sweatpants to finish off the look.

I wish Donald Trump was not running for presidency.

jaus tail
12-12-2015, 08:17 PM
Granted. He is the president so he's not running anymore.

I wish to be a merman who lives in the oceans with fishes and corals and crabs and shells and oysters and octopus and turtles.

Russ Mars
12-12-2015, 11:12 PM
Granted. You have the tail and look of a merman, but of course merman aren't real and not even a genie can make nonexistent creatures. You're still human and, despite the facade, you quickly drown.

I wish I was 40 years younger.