View Full Version : Your wish is granted...

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10-09-2015, 04:21 AM
Granted. But as you leave the garage parking lot, you get in a head-on collision. Your insurance refuses to pay to fix your car.

I wish college students all knew how to write essays.

10-09-2015, 09:16 AM
Granted. Unfortunately, some are still only able to write essays in Klingon. Sorry about that.

I wish my cats would scoop their own litter.

jaus tail
10-09-2015, 11:43 AM
Granted. But they scoop it under your bed. Soon a mountain of cat poop is formed on which poop dwellers move in.

I wish I were a bear living in the forests and chasing deer and terrorizing every animal.

10-09-2015, 10:46 PM
Granted: You are a bear living in the forests, chasing deer, and terrorizing every animal. Bear season opens today and, not having any bear experience, you only survived a scant hour after sunrise.

I wish I could levitate.

10-09-2015, 11:20 PM
Granted. You're levitated by someone else's magic powers. He refuses to put you down.

I wish for a relaxing massage.

10-10-2015, 12:02 AM
Granted. A massage walks into your room, switches on the TV, opens a bottle of beer, lets out a wet fart and flops down in the easy chair with a sigh.

I wish I could shake this mood.

jaus tail
10-10-2015, 10:00 PM
Granted. Genie shakes your mood to agonizing uneasiness. Your mood is the equivalent of a tortoise stuck in the shell with a mosquito. And all the exits are blocked.

I wish my mobile would charge itself every time I yawned.

10-11-2015, 12:30 AM
Granted. But it can't hold a charge for more than ten seconds, so you're forced to keep yourself sleep-deprived so you perpetually charge it.

I wish this book was actually scary.

10-11-2015, 02:28 AM
Denied. We want everyone to buy the sequel so we're promising the frights are really there.

I wish I had the cure to procrastination.

Russ Mars
10-11-2015, 03:52 AM
Granted. Now having the cure for procrastination in your possession and realizing the potential riches to be had selling the cure to millions, it's decades upon decades before you get around to applying the cure to yourself. By the time you begin planning a marketing strategy, your Alzheimer's prevents you from remembering what in the hell you were doing.

I wish I could think of something to wish for that I really need.

jaus tail
10-11-2015, 11:07 AM
Granted. Here's a red pill. It'll give you whatever you want. If it doesn't work take 2 more pills. And still if no wish comes in your mind then take three red pills. If still nothing happens, then take four red pills. And if still no desire comes then repeat the prescription again and again.

I wish my teacher would forgive me for sticking my tongue out to her when she asked for homework.

10-11-2015, 12:25 PM
Granted. You're forgiven for for not handing in your homework. However you're not forgiven for raising her hopes regarding your tongue and what you might do with it. After all she'd heard that you're into older women, much much older. Hmm, wonder how she got that notion?

I wish I could lick my elbow.

Russ Mars
10-11-2015, 07:40 PM
Granted. The reason you can now lick your elbow is that your arm has been amputated. You may lick it all over anytime you want, until it completely decomposes.

I wish an extra day would be added to this weekend.

jaus tail
10-11-2015, 09:13 PM
Granted and your boss knows this before you, so he gives you tons and tons of work for that day.

I wish to live in the deep seas.

10-11-2015, 09:19 PM
Granted. but since you can't breathe underwater, your residency in the deep seas is destined to be a very short one.

I wish writing wasn't so hard.

jaus tail
10-11-2015, 09:31 PM
I'm sorry. Even Genie ain't so powerful.:flag:Oh dear. Never mind. Here's some chocolate to cheer us all up.

I wish to see a shooting star.

10-12-2015, 10:38 PM
Granted. Here is a photo of Clint Eastwood, as Dirty Harry, shooting people.

I wish figs were more popular in American cuisine.

10-12-2015, 11:29 PM
Granted. Except, being as it is America, it's heavily salted and has 10x the calories of any other country's figs.

I wish my back didn't hurt.

10-13-2015, 04:06 PM
Denied. Genie says if you want your back to stop hurting then stop carrying all those unwritten stories around.

I wish I could put down my unwritten stories.

jaus tail
10-13-2015, 07:27 PM
Denied. All those pages with ink on them, anchor you to the ground. Without them you'd be flown with the wind, and pedestrians would stop in their tracks, look at you, and say: 'Gone with the wind.'

I wish a cyclone would carry me to the clouds where angels would treat me with plates of sliced fruits and glasses of fresh juices, and flocks of birds would sing merry whistles in case sleep didn't arrive soon. Oh, genie, be a dear and fulfill my wish. Come on, Genie. Go for it.

10-13-2015, 07:53 PM
Denied. Genie can't be fooled by flowery phrases trying to hide your real wish. You really want to be with Dorothy don't you? Or has Genie got it wrong and it is the flying monkies that are floating your boat?

I wish I had a pair of red high heeled shoes.

10-13-2015, 11:30 PM
Granted. The design is so huge that it clinks together every time you step forward. Needless to say, every time you click your heels, you go to Kansas.

I wish my back didn't hurt, damn it!

10-14-2015, 03:21 AM
Granted. 'it' is damned for all eternity.

I wish I knew when eternity comes to an end.

M.S. Wiggins
10-14-2015, 04:05 AM
Provisional. I could grant this knowledge, but your end is now. Denial will result in clever non-answering, red-tape sort of BS answers. Choice is yours, friend.

I wish Sprog would wave a synopsis-wand and mutter synopsis-Latin over my procrastinating fingers and make me be done with it. (To perfection, of course.)

10-14-2015, 12:01 PM
Granted. Sit up straight and breathe deeply. Hold out your fingers, Genie is about to chant the incantation: " Movens digitum..."

I wish I'd told Ms Wiggins to hold a pen while the spell was being cast. Sad seeing someone trying to write with their fingers.

jaus tail
10-15-2015, 01:05 PM
Granted. You asked for it. Ms Wiggins was mad at your when you told him to hold a pen, he got into a tic tac toe fight with you. Pretty boring to watch though.

I wish someone would suddenly start dancing in the office and entertain us all.

10-15-2015, 02:10 PM
Granted. Someone starts playing a snake flute. Your tail starts to sway and dance on its own volition. People aren't entertained though for they see what you tail had been hiding. The mystery of the smelly office is solved.

I wish I led a double life.

jaus tail
10-16-2015, 12:46 PM
Granted. Since I gave you this other life, I'm your parent in the other life. Clean your room before stepping outta the bed. And no more video games till you get an A in school. Hurry up, I don't got all day.

I wish I had a mirror from which I remove out food.

10-16-2015, 04:24 PM
Granted. It tastes like glass and cuts your gums.

I wish this sixteen hour shift goes by painlessly and quickly.
(And from my experience with this thread, doesn't end in me losing my job or not getting paid for it.)

10-16-2015, 06:06 PM
Granted. It tastes like glass and cuts your gums.

I wish this sixteen hour shift goes by painlessly and quickly.
(And from my experience with this thread, doesn't end in me losing my job or not getting paid for it.)

You seem to be laboring under the bizarre misconception that the Genie would grant your wish in a malicious way. On the contrary, the Genie is happy to help you. Therefore, you will keep your job and you will be paid for it. AND as a bonus, you will be sent on special assignment for the next three years to northeastern Siberia, where you will enjoy the luxuries of an all-weather tent and a dogsled.

I wish I had a Tesla Model X.

10-16-2015, 08:29 PM
Denied. Tut, tut you know X models are only for adults. But here's a barbie to play with.

I wish I had eyes at the back of my head.

M.S. Wiggins
10-16-2015, 08:39 PM
Granted. Back-of-head-eyes have bad vision, though, so you'll have to wear glasses.

I wish someone would wish my wishes for me.

10-16-2015, 10:26 PM

I wish M.S. Wiggins would wear Crocs, listen to Justin Beiber and lick bird poop off cars.

M.S. Wiggins
10-17-2015, 03:38 AM
Reluctantly granted and I've learned to be careful what I wish for. I have donated the crocs and Beiber tunes to charity—I'm now on their terrorist watch-list. Also, I have an appointment with a ENT doc for the bird-poop licking.

I wish El Niño would cut us some slack this winter.

10-17-2015, 08:02 PM
El Nino, tailor extraordinire, cuts no one no slack. You put on weight since your measurements were taken, that's not our problem. But seeing it is you, Ms Wiggins, come on over and let us go over you again. I mean to take your measurements.

I wsh I could run with my scissors.

10-17-2015, 08:17 PM
Granted. You can run with your scissors. You run, oh so fast, and then...oops!...arghh!...is that blood?...Well, at least you have the National Health Service over there. :e2brows:

I wish people wouldn't make fun of me.

10-17-2015, 08:21 PM
This wish doesn't make sense. No one's making fun of you, that is truth they're saying and you're hearing. Wasted wish.

I wish they'd make action figures based on me.

10-17-2015, 08:36 PM
Granted! They now make girlish looking action figures with big heads and tiny extremities, just for you!

I wish I were rich, with lots and lots of monies!

10-17-2015, 08:45 PM
Granted. You've just been adopted by the Kardashians.

I wish I could fly like a bird.

jaus tail
10-17-2015, 08:53 PM
All right. Genie's been waiting for this one. Snap snap, you got wings. And here's a book on how to fly like a kite...okay. Now as for the initial launch, kindly walk to the edge of the cliff. There you go...excellent. Now bend over while I get my boots. And this might hurt but well you have to launch one way or the other. *Swinging the leg back* Kindly raise your shirt, there you go. Now 3...2...1 Bam. Now was that fun or waht!

I wish a grey colored butterfly would fly into my room and land on my forehead and flutter its wings.

10-18-2015, 04:39 PM
Granted with a small variation. Please light a candle on your forehead in a darkened room full of moths. One will land and flutter its wings.

I wish I had a humingbird nesting in my ribs.

10-18-2015, 07:45 PM
Granted. Your doctor has just informed you that they found a tumor in your ribs. To help you accept the news, they have decided to refer to it as a hummingbird.

I wish I were an olympic gymnast.

10-19-2015, 10:07 PM
Granted. Now stretch them. A bit wider, a bit more...

I wish I was the rubber man.

10-20-2015, 04:27 AM
Granted. Now teens flock to you for free rubbers.

I wish I could have sixty more hours in a day.

10-20-2015, 05:39 AM
Granted. You now have to stay awake for sixty more hours before going to bed each night.

I wish I had a dog that would pee in the toilet.

jaus tail
10-20-2015, 08:49 AM
Denied. Instead I'm giving you an alive toilet with legs, that follows your dog wherever it goes.

I wish to be a magician.

10-20-2015, 09:09 AM
Granted. You're now Willy Wand. Unfortunately, you'll often be mistaken for a popular porn star by the same name and some of your bookings will be "uncomfortable."

I want to go back in time and be one of the kids on The Brady Bunch!

10-20-2015, 09:44 AM
Granted. You are Charley, a wimpy character who appeared in only one episode.

I wish I had a time tunnel.

10-20-2015, 03:04 PM
Granted. It's called a wormhole. Zapp! Genie has turned you into a worm. Enjoy.

I wish I was a dragon.

10-20-2015, 03:06 PM
Granted. Someone watched How To Train Your Dragon and applied it to you.

I hope you like doing dishes and laundry, because you'll be doing a lot of them.

I wish this sixteen hour shift will go by painlessly.

10-20-2015, 03:16 PM
Granted. Genie is sending you a tube of petroleum jelly by courier. Apply liberally and the shift will be less painful.

I wish part of previous poster's shift is doing this pile of dishes and laundry.

10-20-2015, 04:12 PM
Granted. And while he's doing dishes and laundry, you can cover for him. Remember to apply previously gifted petroleum jelly liberally.

I wish I had a cupcake to eat.

10-20-2015, 04:40 PM
Granted. And while he's doing dishes and laundry, you can cover for him. Remember to apply previously gifted petroleum jelly liberally.

I wish I had a cupcake to eat.

Granted. While you eat the cupcake, you find that while I'm washing the dishes, I use horrendous hygienic practices. Yes, I baked your cupcake.

I wish everyone felt sorry that they forced me to do dishes.

10-20-2015, 05:23 PM
Granted. We are all standing around, mourning the time that you had to do actual labor, eating our tainted cupcakes. But we are poolside in a castle, while you're still in a grubby kitchen.

I wish to be queen for a day.

10-20-2015, 05:56 PM
Granted. We are all standing around, mourning the time that you had to do actual labor, eating our tainted cupcakes. But we are poolside in a castle, while you're still in a grubby kitchen.

I wish to be queen for a day.

Granted. (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Queen_(band)) You are one of the world's most loved musical groups... but alas, only for a day, leaving you to forever lament your grasp before it slipped through your fingers.

I wish people could see my greatness and revere it with the respect it deserves.

10-20-2015, 06:15 PM
Granted. Boos and hisses rain in from al sides. Rotten eggs and tomatoes pelt the stage. Well, you did ask for the respect your greatness deserved.

I wish I was the Jack of Hearts for a day.

10-20-2015, 06:54 PM
Granted! You are now one card, the jack of hearts, among a deck of 51 others.

I wish I could be a mermaid for a day.

10-20-2015, 10:08 PM
Granted. Come on, don't be shy, get in the water. The mermen are waiting and the smell of fish is driving them crazy.

I wish my hands didn't smell of fish.

10-21-2015, 01:49 AM
Granted. Now they smell of faeces, compost, burning hair, skunk, and sulphur.

I wish I could make money every time I snapped my fingers.

10-21-2015, 01:55 AM
Granted. You make a penny every time you snap your fingers. Have fun!

I wish I could eat anything I want and not gain weight.

10-21-2015, 02:06 AM
Granted. Now you lose two hundred pounds every time you 1 gram of something. Try not to inhale too much air.

I wish I could read minds.

10-21-2015, 02:38 AM
Granted. Now you lose two hundred pounds every time you 1 gram of something. Try not to inhale too much air.

I wish I could read minds.

Granted! A little of what awaits you with your new found ability (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DkJzB1EqR9g)! (Warning: Graphic language, NSFW. If you don't want to click on it, just assume you won't like it.)

I wish for one, when playing duck, duck, goose - I would be the goose!

10-21-2015, 05:17 AM
[omigod I'm dying XD]
Granted! You are destined the life of a miserable, hateful Canada goose. Friggen geese.

I wish my thoughts automatically transcribed onto paper.

10-21-2015, 05:21 AM
I wish my thoughts automatically transcribed onto paper.

GRANTED! It's so good that it transcribes every level of your consciousness. It's only a matter of time before it writes down a threat to injure/kill someone.

I recommend you hire a lawyer.

I wish I never go to jail, ever.

10-21-2015, 05:45 AM
Granted. You will skip jail and go directly to prison. You will also not collect your $200.

I wish my picture was on the $5 dollar bill.

10-21-2015, 05:52 AM
Granted! It's a nude.

I wish being naked was socially acceptable.

10-21-2015, 06:01 AM
Granted. With that said, drooling in public has also been socially acceptable.

I wish that I looked good enough where I can go nude and not scare everyone.

10-21-2015, 06:03 AM
Granted! Your eyesight has improved so much that you've found an abandoned nude beach. No one for you to scare!

I wish nail polish would never chip off.

10-21-2015, 06:08 AM
(You're mean!)

Granted. It doesn't chip off - it shatters entirely!

I wish I have a happy 27th birthday coming up.

10-21-2015, 07:13 AM
Granted! You'll be celebrating your dog's 27th birthday where you buried him. Yay!

I wish I could take my cat to uni with me

10-21-2015, 08:44 PM
Denied. No way Genie is going to allow the cat to take the rap for your final year marks.

I wish I hadn't shaved the cat.

10-22-2015, 12:53 AM
ro0d. Granted. All is well. The cat, unable to shed, now has hair thirty eight feet long. Most visitors assume that it's a carpet.

I wish I never needed to pee.

10-22-2015, 01:12 AM
Granted. Instead of your bladder, the urine now collects in your lungs, so you either have to cough it out or drown.

I wish I could freeze time.

10-22-2015, 01:32 AM
Granted. Unfortunately, that ability doesn't come with unfreezing time. Every atom in the universe is now completely still. Creepy.

I wish I could fall asleep in ten seconds.

10-22-2015, 01:47 AM
Granted. You are no longer able to stay awake for more than ten seconds at a time. Happy sleeping!

I wish I had someone to cook for me.

10-22-2015, 08:13 AM
Granted. You are now serving life in prison and never have to cook again.

I wish every traffic light stayed green for me.

jaus tail
10-22-2015, 09:45 AM
Granted. You now drive a fire fighter truck. Vroom vroom vroom. If some vehicle blocks your path, grab the water hose and shower 'em out of your way. Also could you water my backyard while you're on that red-colored engine. And please turn off the siren, someone's trying to sleep.

I wish I understood the concepts related to electricity grounding and neutral.

10-22-2015, 05:51 PM
Granted. But you gained that understanding by trial and error - mostly error. The lasting effects of the numerous shocks you received have resulted in severe holes in your understanding of anything else.

I wish my boss would make a decision about retiring.

10-22-2015, 07:44 PM
I wish my boss would make a decision about retiring.

Granted. He/she has decided to stay on the job for another ten years AND intends to seriously cut back on the number of his/her employees.

I wish I could look up in the night sky and see Pluto.

10-22-2015, 11:15 PM
Granted. You see its water too. You find out it's crying because it's no longer a planet.

You feel terrible and enter into a deep depression.

I wish I could see Uranus.

10-22-2015, 11:52 PM
Granted. You are now on the planet Uranus. You die within seconds.

I wish I owned a teacup pig.

10-22-2015, 11:55 PM
Granted. You are now a pregnant teacup pig and will soon have your own litter.

I wish my dogs would learn to use the toilet.

10-22-2015, 11:57 PM
Granted. You are now a pregnant teacup pig and will soon have your own litter.

I wish my dogs would learn to use the toilet.

Granted. Your toilet enters a deep depression from being used all the time, and not being valued.

I wish it's revealed I'm brought back to life, with more powers - in some really awesome way.

10-23-2015, 12:00 AM
Granted. Your power is the power of sunshine. Now the sun shines out of your ass (or has it always?)

I wish my library used an internet catalogue instead of Dewey Decimal System

10-23-2015, 01:10 AM
Granted. You have been relocated and your local library is in Tehran. They have an Internet catalog.

I wish pizza and Chinese restaurants would have 2 minute delivery.

Russ Mars
10-23-2015, 03:45 AM
Granted. Now all your pizza and Chinese food comes uncooked.

I wish I didn't feel so drained from my vacation travels.

10-23-2015, 04:01 AM
Granted. Your boss fired you - now your vacations won't seem draining because you'll be on your ass, eating cheetos and watching Jerry Springer reruns. That doesn't seem draining, does it?

I wish my Halloween party will be a success!

10-23-2015, 04:30 AM
Granted. It's a success among the riff-raff, who gladly take your food, your booze, and trash your place. It's okay—Sunday's clean-up day, anyway.

I wish that restaurants were better at cooking steak.

jaus tail
10-23-2015, 01:08 PM
Denied. Instead I improve your digestive system and lower your taste standards. You can now digest shoe and have no trouble trying mustard-dipped coins.

I wish to lie on a hammock some evening.

10-23-2015, 01:45 PM
Granted. You can lie on a hammock this evening, telling as many lies as you want. No one will believe you, but that wasn't part of your wish, was it?

I wish I were a chess champion.

10-23-2015, 01:53 PM
Granted. Your next championship tournament is with Emily, my six-year-old cousin. Go ahead, make her cry. Bully.

I wish they made a weight-loss food. The more you eat it, the more weight you lose.

10-23-2015, 02:31 PM
Granted. That logic applies in the video game, Fallout. You become destroyed by a deathclaw in your sleep.

Game over.

I wish that I was good enough at chess to beat Alleycat's six year old cousin.

Russ Mars
10-23-2015, 08:36 PM
Granted. You are very good at chess, but I still don't know why that allows you to beat a child. Nonetheless, you are arrested for child abuse and spend the bulk of your life in prison.

I wish people were more articulate.

10-23-2015, 09:24 PM
Granted. Mad peeps be ticulatin mo betta, ceptin genies and naked playas. u got no homies.

I wish my feet didn't need washing so I don't have to balance on one foot in the shower.

Russ Mars
10-23-2015, 09:34 PM
Granted. Both your feet have been amputated. End of problem.

I fear water and wish I could be dry-cleaned.

10-23-2015, 11:23 PM
Granted. ...Doesn't really go well with your lungs. It tickles it. Ehhh, more of an allergy. ...It's kind of dangerous to your health.
You're dead.

I wish Russ Mars has the most popular funeral ever! :D

Russ Mars
10-23-2015, 11:39 PM
Granted. Russ is Irish, so a wildly popular funeral and raucous wake are guaranteed.

I wish I'd had my black suit cleaned in time for my funeral.

10-23-2015, 11:48 PM
Granted but they accidentally tore your suit while cleaning it. At least it still looks as clean as the day you bought it!

I wish I knew when I would die - for life insurance reasons.

10-24-2015, 01:20 AM
Granted. You have been falsely convicted of murder and have an execution date.

I wish I would win an Olympic gold medal.

10-24-2015, 01:32 AM
Granted. When did speed toenail-licking become an Olympic sport?

I wish I won $50,000,000 in US legal tender.

10-24-2015, 03:28 AM
Granted. A truck full of $100 bills pulls up to your house. Promptly, the driver kills you, takes the money, and moves to Portugal, where he lives the rest of his life very happily.

I wish cats didn't age in appearance past 1 month.

10-24-2015, 04:57 AM
Granted. You go on safari and come across a cute little baby lion which you decide to pet, unfortunately while it only looks one month old it is really 4 years old and while its appearance hasn't changed its strength and appetite has. The end.

I wish my printer never ran out of ink.

10-24-2015, 05:11 AM
Granted. Instead, ink pools from your printer so quickly that the rush of ink throws you against the wall and drowns you. Way to go, polluting the world and all.

I wish that DQ blizzards were healthy.

10-24-2015, 05:31 AM
Granted. They are now made out of kale.

I wish I could read 2,000 words a minute.

Russ Mars
10-24-2015, 05:42 AM
Granted. Now you have absolutely no ability to comprehend or retain what you've read.

I wish I could swim underwater for hours without any breathing equipment and no ill effects.

10-24-2015, 06:30 AM
Granted. You are a salmon.

I wish I could travel like Marty McFly.

10-24-2015, 08:00 AM
Granted. But you can only go backwards and the Langoliers happen to be more than fiction.

I wish lawyers weren't so damn expensive.

jaus tail
10-24-2015, 09:41 AM
Granted. Genie banishes all lawyers into an unknown realm. So now there are no lawyers. Justice is decided by a cow. Prosecution and defendant stand on two sides of a tree. A parrot flies around the tree. Justice is decided by the side on which the parrot shits, that side is favored.

I wish it would snow today.

10-24-2015, 09:10 PM
Granted. It snows half a centimetre today and never again. Al Gore nods his head sadly as global warming causes all the snow to melt and send water to fill our countries. California is happy. Everyone else drowns. "This is why we didn't visit them," alien x tells alien y in their own strange language.

I wish that I had a Halloween costume idea.

jaus tail
10-24-2015, 09:14 PM
Denied. Before considering any wish the rule book requires us to go through the wish askers medical history and unfortunately having an idea is not good for your mind. It's just not strong enough.

I wish to have a nice dream tonight.

10-24-2015, 09:22 PM
Granted. It is a lovely dream, one that you never wake up from. It only ends when you die.

I wish that fruit tasted like chocolate while retaining its nutrients.

Russ Mars
10-24-2015, 10:18 PM
Granted. Chocolate is made from Cacao fruits.

I wish I was 50 years younger.

10-24-2015, 10:24 PM
Granted. In fact, I'm going to improve your wish—not only are you fifty years younger, you're 100 years younger! Whoops! That seems to have wiped you out of existence. Apologies.

I wish that animals didn't attack humans.

10-25-2015, 12:04 AM
Granted. That includes puppy-kissing attacks.
You just wished yourself out of the single most amazing thing in life.

I wish Maroon 5 would stop making music.

M.S. Wiggins
10-25-2015, 01:01 AM
Granted, as long as you stop listening to them.

I wish ErezMA had better taste in music.

10-25-2015, 01:32 AM
Granted. ErezMA now goes around licking all of your favourite songs, no matter the medium they're in.

I wish that we could contact intelligent life on other planets.

10-25-2015, 01:37 AM
Granted. And you will be the first person to contact them. The rocket is on the launching pad. Get aboard. Bon voyage!

I wish the government would put my photo on a postage stamp.

M.S. Wiggins
10-25-2015, 02:13 AM
Granted, but they touched it up a little. By the way, love the pencil moustache, Nymtoc.

I wish airline tickets weren't so appendage-expensive. Dammit! I want to see the world.

10-25-2015, 02:31 AM
Granted. Cheapo World Airlines is offering flights at bargain prices with its fleet of propeller-driven World War I biplanes. You will be able to lean out and see the world unfold beneath you as the air rushes past your face. Step this way...why are you hesitating...is there a problem?

I wish I could go pearl diving.

M.S. Wiggins
10-25-2015, 02:49 AM
Granted without hesitation...pearls are my birthstone.


I wish Nymtoc would find enough to make me a pearl necklace.

10-25-2015, 03:15 AM
Granted, so long as he find enough to make me one as well (they're also my birthstone ;D)

I wish the average human expectancy way 200 years old.

Russ Mars
10-25-2015, 03:47 AM
Granted. The last 75 years of that life will be spent in a retirement institution staring at the wall, drooling on yourself.

I wish we could contact intelligent life on this planet.

10-25-2015, 05:41 AM
Denied. There is simply none to be found.

I wish I had the ability to memorize and forget whatever I wanted.

Russ Mars
10-25-2015, 09:20 PM
Granted. Now you memorize everything then instantly forget it, even that you ever memorized a thing.

I wish I didn't have to make that long drive on Monday.

10-25-2015, 09:29 PM
Granted. Now you make that long drive on Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Always.

I wish humans always smelled good.

Russ Mars
10-25-2015, 09:50 PM
Granted. Since smells are subjective, you are the only one who thinks it's all good, and aren't even aware of your own foul odors. You become known as "that stinky girl."

I wish for a better appetite.

10-25-2015, 10:14 PM
Granted. Your appetite has increased a hundredfold. You eat continually from morning till night and awaken frequently in the night to devour still more. Your craving for food knows no bounds. You weigh 750 pounds.

I wish I had a secret admirer.

Russ Mars
10-25-2015, 10:31 PM
Granted. You are admired from afar, anonymously, until admiration turns into blind obsession. He stalks you day and night and eventually breaks into your home, ties you up and tortures you to death. Your story becomes a thinly-veiled episode of "Law & Order: Special Victims Unit."

I wish I still looked upon the world with the awe and wonder I used to have as a child.

10-26-2015, 03:45 AM
Granted. You now have to go to bed at 8 PM and your mom still checks you every now and then to see if you wet yourself.

I wish chefs new what medium rare is. It's not completely uncooked nor is it well done.

Russ Mars
10-26-2015, 04:36 AM
Granted. They all know, but they also know you on sight as the asshat that kept sending his steak back. You'll never again eat a decent steak in any restaurant in the modern world.

I wish they'd figure out how to get the toenails out of the hamburger.

molly brant
10-26-2015, 04:57 AM
Granted. You start Monday 8 am on the toenail checking line at $9.25 an hour. Bring your own probe.

I wish I knew how to play the fiddle.

10-26-2015, 05:12 AM
Granted. You know possess immense knowledge of the art of playing the fiddle, but every attempt you make to touch bow to string results in a disastrous sound that leaves you depressed at the thought that you can never make beautiful music.

I wish I practised the cello more often

10-26-2015, 05:51 AM
Granted. Your neighbors hate you and will never allow you to trouble them for a cup of sugar. Their cat has also sent you a restraining order for all the times you've harassed her.

I wish more cats would let me pet LOVEEEE them.

10-26-2015, 06:09 AM
Granted. But they are very large cats--panthera leo, for example--and after you LOVEEEE them, they chow down on you.

I wish the Presidential candidates would listen to my advice.

molly brant
10-26-2015, 06:24 AM
Granted. They keep you on retainer for your knowledge of jello, and especially lean on you for how to get the jello ring out of the mold without chipping it.

I wish I always knew how to make the best of a bad situation.

10-26-2015, 06:45 AM
Granted. However, every time you make the best of the situation, it just gets worse. Here's to optimism!

I wish that I was worshipped by everyone on this planet

jaus tail
10-26-2015, 08:08 AM
Granted. You're the new genie. Everyone worships you till they find your lamp, and you grant them three wishes. After that they treat you like dawg.

I wish my ears wouldn't ache listening to so many youtube songs.

molly brant
10-26-2015, 06:57 PM
Granted. Your time machine journey begins now, transporting you to the year before youtube, 2004.

I wish I could go back in time and have a conversation with Oscar Wilde.

jaus tail
10-26-2015, 08:30 PM
Granted. But you forgot to ask for a return ticket. So stay with Oscar while I move into your room. Ooh, there's even a TV with cable.

I wish my telephone would repair itself.

10-26-2015, 08:32 PM

But now that it's self-aware, it's only a matter of time before it gets bored with the calls you make and starts crank-calling other people to amuse itself. Expect the NSA any day now. On the plus side, I hear Cuba's nice this time of year.

I wish I could legally shoot my neighbors. Or take an axe to them. Or just that I had a good place to hide the bodies.

10-26-2015, 08:53 PM
I wish I could legally shoot my neighbors. Or take an axe to them. Or just that I had a good place to hide the bodies.

Did they curse at you? Did they look at you funny? Did they reach for "something" in their waistband? Go ahead, shoot! You'll just be defending your space! (Um...don't call on me to defend you in court).

I wish I had a self-driving car.

jaus tail
10-26-2015, 08:54 PM
Granted. But your neighbors are ghosts. Bullets go right through them and an axe is too heavy for you to lift. Regarding the place to hide bodies, it's already occupado with food. It's called a fridge.

Granted. You have a self-driving car. But unfortunately there's a thunder storm in your area, and your car is driving under influence. Boom.

I wish relief from cold.

10-26-2015, 09:02 PM

*sets you on fire*

I wish Jaus understood that a fridge is NOT a good place to hide a body. Not anymore.

molly brant
10-27-2015, 12:15 AM
Granted. Just dont look in his freezer unless you want a disappointment. or a frozen treat.

I wish I could be dazzled by some real woodland fairies.

10-27-2015, 02:30 AM
Granted. As per their usual mischievous nature, the fairies take you prisoner and do all kinds of unspeakable things to you.

I wish that the last episode of Seinfeld hadn't sucked so much.

10-27-2015, 02:35 AM
Granted. It's so great that you enter a depression knowing nothing will ever be so good.

I wish AW became a movie and I was the protagonist.

10-27-2015, 03:30 AM
Granted. Your sole task throughout the movie is to allow others to write on you.

I wish humans knew who their soulmate was the second they turn eighteen.

molly brant
10-27-2015, 03:57 AM
Granted. We'll need tissue samples from your lips, liver, brain and heart to make the match.

I wish I could party with Jon Snow.

10-27-2015, 04:51 AM
Granted. Now you know nothing, you bastard.

I wish I was the new king of Westeros.

10-27-2015, 05:02 AM
Granted. George R R Martin quickly kills you.

I wish we could take pictures with our eyes and send them to our computers.

10-27-2015, 06:50 AM

Apples and Google both sue you for patent infringement. You die poor and eyeless when the court rules in their favor.

I wish I'd made better choices on my wine/dessert pairing this evening.

10-27-2015, 06:52 AM
Granted. With your new sense of judgment, you choose to worship me like a God.
With that said, my laundry needs to be done. Some of those fabrics are delicate so don't put it on hot wash.

I wish more people did stuff for me.

10-27-2015, 07:01 AM

I'm in charge of your "early retirement." *raises axe*

I wish the cat would perch precariously someplace other than the back of my chair. Or that he had a better sense of balance.

10-27-2015, 07:52 AM
Your cat now refuses to get out of your lap. Or it balances so well that it gets a job in the circus and leaves you forever.

I wish that someone would make a good Star Trek movie, one that has no trace of JJ Abrams' nonsense.

10-27-2015, 07:55 AM

It was called Wrath of Khan. You should watch it sometime.


I wish there was a better system.

10-27-2015, 09:29 PM
Granted. A better system is fully described in Linear A, a writing system used in the ancient Minoan civilization. Scholars have not yet been able to decipher it. Decipher it, and you will have the answer.

I wish that all the Genies in this thread were as nice as I am.

10-27-2015, 10:45 PM
Granted. Here's a cupcake. It tastes like shit - literal shit. I'm incompetent - but hey, at least I'm well intentioned.

I wish other genies were as nice and as competent as me. :)

10-28-2015, 01:19 AM
Granted. We're all just as much an asshole as you. You didn't need to waste a wish on that, though.

I wish genies really existed.

10-28-2015, 01:21 AM
Awwww. :( I'm really a nice guy!

Granted. Genies (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jinn) are potentially very evil beings scorching the world on fire. The world shall know true pain. Still think I'm an asshole?

I wish the world shall be safe from genies, vampires and other creatures.

10-28-2015, 02:03 AM

Granted. Assuming that 'other creatures' refers only to supernatural beings, the world will continue to be plagued by humans and their atrocities. No one to save the human race now.

I wish this thread wasn't always so depressing.

10-28-2015, 02:07 AM
Granted. The gravity on Earth is lowered and we weigh about 1% less. Slightly less depressing, but still less.

I wish I had a delicious cup of coffee about now.

molly brant
10-28-2015, 03:10 AM
Granted. Your appointment for the fitting for the glass replacements is Wednesday, 10 am.

I wish I knew how to speak more languages.

10-28-2015, 04:06 AM
You learn more languages -- Klingon, sindarin, quenya, and esperanto. Nothing that will actually help you travel to fun places.

I wish that the next person who posts is very, very happy.

10-28-2015, 04:11 AM
Granted, although spending my life as the least liked of the seven dwarfs is not something that I look forward to.

I wish for an all expense paid trip to Disney World!

10-28-2015, 04:15 AM
And you get it. No really, you do. That response above was pretty funny, so the genie gives you a pass this time. A little kid does pee on your shoes when you're in line for a ride, though. At the beginning of the day, of course, so that you smell horrible for the rest of it.

I wish for some nice scented candles.

10-28-2015, 05:38 AM
Granted. Of course, as stated earlier, smell is objective. Hopefully you're the sort of person that enjoys the smell of gasoline, skunk, and paint—oh, and that you can withstand the fumes that accompany them.

I wish we never needed to sleep.

10-28-2015, 07:12 AM

You never, ever sleep. But the inability to dream eventually drives you insane. And since you wished this on the rest of us, we're all psychotic now as well. It's like The Walking Dead but with better personal hygiene.

I wish I could carry moonbeams in a jar.

10-28-2015, 07:22 AM
Granted! You get the moonbeams in exactly one jar. Then you drop the jar on concrete, and it breaks.

I wish that I get a horrible ugly dress.

10-28-2015, 07:32 AM

That seems punishment enough.

I think I'd rather be a fish.

10-28-2015, 07:41 AM
Granted. You turn into a tasty salmon. An hour later, I make salmon patties.

I wish that there was a massive library with lots of good history books in it.

10-28-2015, 07:47 AM

It was in Alexandria. A few thousand years ago. Grab your scuba gear.

I could be swingin' on a star.

10-28-2015, 08:24 AM
Granted. You are swingin' on Sandra Bullock, and she is outraged. The cops are on their way.

I wish I didn't have a cough.

Phantom Rottweiler
10-28-2015, 10:33 AM
Granted. You're now cough free. Hope you like having to stay in bed with the full blown flu - minus the coughing.

I wish I had the courage to post my work(s) for peer review.

10-28-2015, 11:35 PM
Granted. They think you suck. (But I don't!)

I wish I had a fully functional tail.

10-29-2015, 12:04 AM
Granted. You are apprenticed to Jaus Tail. He'll teach you how to grow one.

I wish I had the key to Fort Knox.

10-29-2015, 12:13 AM
Granted. Turns out you didn't need a key. You just had to knox. (Hah!)

I wish Jaus Tail treats me right for my apprenticeship.

10-29-2015, 02:18 AM
He does, but everyone else despises you out of jealousy, and throw tomatoes at you when they see you.

I wish that the next person down gets their wish granted without cynicism.

molly brant
10-29-2015, 03:15 AM
Granted. Welcome to Utopia.

I wish I could be a hot dog vendor in Utopia.

10-29-2015, 03:16 AM
Granted. They sell overheated dogs for a very cheap cost.

I wish I received free ice cream every day.

molly brant
10-29-2015, 04:37 AM
Granted. You're in Utopia, too.

I wish I could snap my fingers and make chocolate appear from thin air.

10-29-2015, 04:57 AM
Granted. However, the only place you're going to find 'thin air' is very high where the atmosphere is thin. Have fun trying to breathe!

I wish my hair always looked perfect.

10-29-2015, 05:09 AM
Granted. Your hair does look perfect...your nose hairs, that is.

I wish high school was more about people learning how to do real world jobs.

10-29-2015, 05:37 AM
Granted, all high schools are now sweatshops.
I wish to have a special place where I can write in peace and quiet.

molly brant
10-29-2015, 05:41 AM
Granted. You're sentenced to 10 years solitary confinement in Cell Block F. Follow the warden there.

I wish I could cross the Atlantic Ocean in less than an hour.

Phantom Rottweiler
10-29-2015, 05:48 AM
Granted. You can move faster than three times the speed of light. However, the Quantum Police discover what you're capable of, and arrest you for breaking the laws of physics.

I wish I could come up with better wishes.

10-29-2015, 05:01 PM
Denied. This genie doesn't want to work harder than she has to!

I wish George RR Martin didn't kill off so many characters.

10-29-2015, 06:15 PM

He switches to killing off real people. As it's hard to write in prison, now he'll never finish the books.

I wish I wasn't having technical difficulties.

10-29-2015, 08:06 PM
Granted. Your power went out so now you have no tech to have difficulties with. (I see you're already prepared with a candle.)

I wish the office smelled of something nicer than floor wax right now.

molly brant
10-29-2015, 09:00 PM
Granted. You are now assigned to the grape division and work in huge vat of grapes. Take off your shoes, start dancing and make some wine.

I wish I was trained in sword battle.

10-29-2015, 10:20 PM
You are. And you brought your sword to a gun fight.

I wish for a giant house with lots of rooms so that I could open up my own writer's club where people can have a quiet place to come write whenever they want.

10-30-2015, 12:07 AM
Granted. It's infested with termites, bed bugs and hookers.

I wish that Nymptoc has a great day.

10-30-2015, 01:07 AM
I wish that Nymptoc has a great day.

GRANTED!!! (despite the misspelling). The Genie commends you for coming up with such a wonderful wish! May you come up with many more!

I wish I could drive from New York to California in one hour.

10-30-2015, 01:11 AM
Granted. Physics kills you... because physics is science and science is a dick to all of us. (A random gentleman named Nymptoc has a great day. You, however, not so much.)

I wish I could believe that I granted my own wish without breaking the rules of this game.

10-30-2015, 01:40 AM
Granted. You can believe it all you like, but it's not happening.

I wish that books didn't burn.

M.S. Wiggins
10-30-2015, 01:52 AM
Granted. Physics kills you... because physics is science and science is a dick to all of us. (A random gentleman named Nymptoc has a great day. You, however, not so much.)

I wish I could believe that I granted my own wish without breaking the rules of this game.

I wish I could believe that I granted my own wish without breaking the rules of this game.

Granted, with denial-like caveats:
• your wish to ‘believe’ is granted. You can believe in anything your heart desires. It’s the least that I, as Genie, can do as a wish-granter.
• (←pointless bullet here, because of→) Doesn’t make it ‘grantable’, though. If we’re clear on ‘grantibility’, then,
• Denied. Self-granting wishes are laughably impossible. (Think about that for minute. Exactly! That’s a chaotic world, right?)
• Breaking the rules of this game, or any other, is denied . . . unless you can argue a damn good case for why we should!

Despite the above bullet points, I wish we could all break the ruling norms that would lead to benefiting all of us.

M.S. Wiggins
10-30-2015, 01:56 AM
Granted. You can believe it all you like, but it's not happening.

I wish that books didn't burn.

I would grant this before any (most) other wishes. (See 4th bullet point above for clarification.)

10-30-2015, 03:06 AM
Granted. Books don't burn, and now entirely unethic people begin publishing politically manipulative trash because they know no one will ever be able to get rid of it.

I wish people used common sense.

10-30-2015, 03:32 AM
Granted. However, the 'common sense' is, in fact, stupidity, as it is plentiful and therefore common.

I wish Q-Tips came without a warning telling its users to not insert the cotton bud inside the ear cavity.

10-30-2015, 03:52 AM
Granted. Eh? What's that you say? Huh? I can't hear you with these things stuck in my ears. Why wasn't I warned about them?

I wish I had a pet monkey.

10-30-2015, 04:15 AM
Granted. As monkeys are not domesticated creatures, your monkey proceeds to trash your place, poop everywhere, and bite and scratch you. Aw, how cute!

I wish the Great Pumpkin actually existed so that Linus could be happy

10-30-2015, 04:40 AM
Granted. Watering the great pumpkin causes a drought.

I wish cats trusted humans more, so we could hug and cuddle more.

molly brant
10-30-2015, 07:58 PM
Granted. All humans are now mice or songbirds, your choice.

I wish all birds kept in cages were let go to fly free.

10-30-2015, 09:10 PM
Granted. All birds now insatiably violent.

I wish to be more productive.

10-30-2015, 09:55 PM
Granted. You now work on an assembly line at Foxconn city in China producing Iphones.

I wish I could precisely measure a quantum particle's position and velocity.

10-30-2015, 11:15 PM
You can. Unfortunately you are now sub-atomically sized, with a sub-atomically sized laboratory. You become a legend, the Legend of the Miniature Scientist, and people constantly question whether or not you actually exist.

I wish I was on yonder hill
Tis there I'd sit and cry my fill
Until my tears could turn a mill
Is go dte tu mo mhuirnin slan

10-30-2015, 11:27 PM
Granted. I don't know what you're talking about, but it's hot as balls outside and you're very uncomfortable as a result.

I wish my professor approved of the paper I sent in - and will mark it with high grades! :)

molly brant
10-30-2015, 11:33 PM
First I must say that I adore Celtic poetry—poetry of the heart, said simply and honestly. The last line translated—and may you go safely, my darling.

Granted. But you're allergic to heather, that's why you're crying. Then your true love shows up with Benedryl.

I wish, I wish, I wish in vain
I wish I had my heart again
And vainly think I'd not complain

Is go dté tú mo mhúirnín slán

10-31-2015, 03:58 AM
Denied. This genie refuses to speak any language other than English and French (especially not Celtic)

I wish animals could speak to us and we could understand them.

10-31-2015, 04:04 AM
Denied. This genie refuses to speak any language other than English and French (especially not Celtic)

I wish animals could speak to us and we could understand them.

Granted. Now instead of waking up to birds singing, you keep hearing, "HEY BILL."

It gets old VERY quickly.

I wish to reverse Natty's wish so I can get some sleep.

10-31-2015, 05:40 AM
Denied! Even when the birds are silent, the crickets still have a lot to say. You wouldn't rob them of their chance to communicate, would you?

I wish all animals had human looking mouths and teeth. Because the world just isn't weird enough. (http://i.imgur.com/hVyOVm7.jpg)

10-31-2015, 08:26 AM
Granted, but this stops them from being able to talk normally. Don't layer wishes on wishes, okay kids? Oh...and many animals can't cope with having human mouths/teeth, so much of the world's animals die out.

I wish for a cheeseburger.

10-31-2015, 08:07 PM
Granted. Your cheeseburger is a slab of cheddar cheese carved in the shape of a burger.

I wish I understood why a 'ham'burger is made out of beef and not ham

10-31-2015, 08:59 PM
Granted. Your cheeseburger is a slab of cheddar cheese carved in the shape of a burger.

I am not disappoint. Yummy cheddar.

Granted. This is because the sandwich originates in the city of Hamburg. However, in gaining this knowledge you lose the knowledge of how to tie your shoes.

I wish I had all the Dungeons and Dragons 3.5 manuals.

10-31-2015, 10:13 PM
^I've always wanted an excuse to wear velcro shoes

Granted. But before you have a chance to read them, the security guard at the mall grabs you for shoplifting. No freebies!

I wish I had every game on Steam.

M.S. Wiggins
11-01-2015, 12:56 AM
Denied. I’ve never met Steam. Is he hot?

I wish I had a magic-mute controller that I could use (abuse) to shush disruptive noise makers.

molly brant
11-01-2015, 03:38 AM
Granted. here's your earplugs


I wish I never had to do housework ever again.

11-01-2015, 08:32 PM
Granted. You always have a choice, mate. Now you can simply watch your filth build up and collect.

I wish that I could never be scratched or cut.

M.S. Wiggins
11-02-2015, 12:47 AM
Granted. But in your new chainmail suit you won’t be poked and prodded either, or tickled, caressed, explored, nibbled…devoured. *Sigh*

It has been way too long. I wish it would snow here this winter. Dammit, I want to build a snow-person.

11-02-2015, 05:43 AM
Granted. You build a snow-person. They promptly come to life and envelope you in snow, cocooning you in a -40C deathbed.

I wish quality maple syrup was free for me in the stores.

11-02-2015, 09:16 AM
Granted. Maple syrup is free....sugar free.

I wish for a nice book to read.

molly brant
11-03-2015, 04:38 AM
Granted. Soon as mine is published, unless you want me to give you the Dropbox link.

I wish my book would get published.

11-03-2015, 05:09 AM
Granted. No, seriously. This genie has limitations on its wickedness.

I wish we had the ability to see colours outside our current visible spectrum.

molly brant
11-03-2015, 07:06 AM
Granted. You're a butterfly. http://www.webexhibits.org/causesofcolor/17C.html

I wish bees weren't endangered anymore.

11-03-2015, 07:13 AM
Granted. Bee strings increase 150% next summer.

I wish I collected all seven dragonballs.

11-03-2015, 07:30 AM
[worth it considering bees hardly sting ;D]

Granted. They're still as fake as they were yesterday, however.

I wish editing was easy.

11-03-2015, 08:07 AM
Granted. You are now a super critic, and you annoy all your friends by constantly correcting their grammar and rewriting anything they write -- including information on checks.

I wish for lots of tea of various kinds.

11-04-2015, 12:15 AM
Granted. Some are poisonous. Have fun with that.

I wish for some non-poisonous green tea.

11-04-2015, 01:50 AM
Granted. However, the grass and leaves lending it its flavour is not exactly appetising.

I wish that people understood why the idea of leaf water is gross

11-04-2015, 01:53 AM
The genie is unable to grant your wish, because it cannot comprehend the nature of your question. "People....not like tea? Whaaaaaat?"
Granted, but you suddenly really love tea.

I can't decide which is funnier, so take your pick. :D

I wish I felt more motivated to write.

molly brant
11-04-2015, 02:55 AM
Granted. All distractions are removed from your home, including your computer. Here's a typewriter, go like Kerouac.

I wish I could go for a midnight walk in an enchanted forest.

11-04-2015, 03:46 AM
Granted. At least you get to experience the beauty of the forest before a werewolf devours you.

I wish everyone was treated like royalty.

11-04-2015, 05:40 AM
It was already granted - as long as they're royalty from Westeros. (I'm sure there are brothers and sisters who do it next to their dead son.)

I wish Pokemon existed, and there's no law against forcing them to fight each other and to catch them.

11-04-2015, 07:58 AM
Granted. There may be no laws against such activities, but there are also no Pokéballs to catch them in

I wish that I could earn the knowledge of a master's engineering degree without going to university

molly brant
11-04-2015, 08:13 AM
Granted. Your degree is in engineering Mr. Potato Heads.

I wish Jurassic Park was real.

jaus tail
11-04-2015, 09:06 AM
Granted. The dinos run over your house, the lizard bird grabs you by your shoulders and flies back to the nest. On way it drops you and you're about to enter the jaws of a giant alligator. Hope you have a torch cause it's rather dark in there.

I wish some magazine publisher would publish my story and call me to Europe for a one week free trip.

11-04-2015, 09:28 AM
Granted. But then you're sick the entire time, and don't get to do anything fun.

I wish I had the time to do more sewing.

11-04-2015, 11:07 AM
Granted. You have been transported to a quaint little village that exists outside of time, where everything happens the way it did centuries ago. You are the village seamstress, and all the people come to you to make their clothes and mend and repair them, seven days a week. At 4:30 each morning you take your place by a window with your needle and thread and start sewing, and you keep sewing all day long, and when night falls you light a candle and keep sewing and sew and sew and sew till midnight and sew forth and sew on.

I wish I could start a fast-food chain that would make me millions.

jaus tail
11-04-2015, 11:10 AM
Granted. You're a millionaire but eating all that food renders you unhealthy to have fun. And since you don't have much friends, I get access to all the millions. Now that's what I call a reason to partay!

I wish it weren't so cold in my city.

molly brant
11-04-2015, 04:44 PM
Granted. When the asteroid hits, duck.

I wish I could ride my bike every day.

11-04-2015, 09:25 PM
Granted. You are glued to your bike, butt on the seat, feet to the pedals, hands on the handlebars. You don't just get to ride it every day, you get to ride it every second! Yay!

I wish that I won a scholarship!

11-05-2015, 12:43 AM
Granted. It pays $50 and you had to write a 100,00 word essay in order to get it.

It was worth it, right?

I wish that I was an amazing cook.

11-05-2015, 12:54 AM
Granted. You're really good at cooking meth. Keeping away from the cops, however...

I wish that I didn't have this cold!

11-05-2015, 01:00 AM
Granted. You don't have this cold. You have another cold--twice as bad and twice as long-lasting. Please cover your mouth when you cough in our direction!

I wish I could read minds.

11-05-2015, 01:15 AM
Granted. Now you know how many people hate you but are nice to you in person.

I wish I was good at cooking FOOD.

M.S. Wiggins
11-05-2015, 01:34 AM
Granted, but remind me not to attend your next dinner party geared toward Flatulent Obese Ogres Dishes.

I wish I knew what the best course of action was.

11-05-2015, 02:37 AM
Granted. However, it's always the best course of action for others around you, never what can give you good results.

I wish I could teleport!

11-05-2015, 02:42 AM
Granted, but only to Nymtoc's bathroom and only when he's showering.

I wish I can go through a period of metamorphosis where I become a cocoon and then hatch wings like a beautiful butterfly.

11-05-2015, 03:11 AM
Granted. Of course, you know that once its wings open, a butterfly lives only a week or two. Enjoy your beautiful, short life!

I wish I had a cherry tree.

M.S. Wiggins
11-05-2015, 03:56 AM
I cannot, in good conscious, grant this wish. I fear your progeny will chop it down, or not, and further add to a myth that is a lie. (The cherry tree suffered enough, just buy your apples from organic orchard growers.)

I wish trees could fight back.

11-05-2015, 04:03 AM
I wish trees could fight back.

It's already been granted (http://www.theguardian.com/notesandqueries/query/0,,-83446,00.html). They release chemicals in response to pain, but as we all know from trees being chopped down, their defenses are far too feeble to stand a chance.

I wsih taht yuo cluod usdnerstad waht I am wssihng for.