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Reziac
07-25-2015, 07:09 PM
Granted. It now works super-well! As a result, it is now -40 degrees in your house.

I wish I could run my air conditioner for free.

jaus tail
07-25-2015, 07:58 PM
Granted. I've plugged your air conditioner to your neighbor's socket. He's the one who'll get the heavy bills now:evil

I wish a diamond rose would bloom in my house plant.

ErezMA
07-25-2015, 11:57 PM
Granted. It's actually a new pokemon. Its name is Diarosex. It's evolving to Diaroslax. It's like a diamond, but in the shape of a Snorlax. It just dropped your home's value by 50%. Don't try to mine diamonds from its body. It'll attack in a grumpy rage.

I wish my mom didn't kick me out of her one bedroom house when I was ten so I could enslave wild animals and force them to battle one another.

slcboston
07-27-2015, 01:22 AM
Granted.

Although I am a little unsure on the cause and effect here. Is it because you were kicked out that you could enslave wild animals, or that you could not?? Anyway, in an effort to grant this, I have turned to one of the all-time masters of "careful what you wish for" and direct you to Ray Bradbury's short story, "The Veldt." It would be wise not to ignore the growling coming from your closet.



I wish my cats could responsibly feed themselves.

ErezMA
07-27-2015, 02:36 AM
Granted. They got a job at the local bakery, making biscuits. They've earned enough money to do their own groceries.
http://us.123rf.com/450wm/photokitchen/photokitchen1012/photokitchen101200030/8373818-cat-food-in-bowl.jpg <- This is their in-between meal snack.

I wish my dog knew who the good boy was.

slcboston
07-28-2015, 06:41 AM
Granted.

He's not telling.




I wish my glasses cost less.

http://i617.photobucket.com/albums/tt254/slcbostonPB/Smilies/blind.gif (http://s617.photobucket.com/user/slcbostonPB/media/Smilies/blind.gif.html)

jaus tail
07-28-2015, 12:13 PM
Granted. They're not the smart glass you normally use. No more internet connectivity, no more email alerts, no more reports about the person, you're seeing, his details, and no more color change of frame as per your clothes.

I wish to find a decent conclusion to the chapter I'm working on.

slcboston
07-28-2015, 05:15 PM
Granted.

Kill 'em all. Where it goes from there is another wish.




I wish my sofa was arriving today.

ErezMA
07-28-2015, 11:17 PM
Granted. The owner of the store went to high school with you. He hid a bunch of bees in the sofa because you beat him up in senior year.

They're not just bees; they're assassin bees and they're quiet until you sit down.

I wish I could establish a strong flow of communication with animals and gain their affection so they can help me out in times of trouble. Also, I wouldn't have to hire an exterminator; all I'd have to do is go up to the cock roaches or ants and be like, "Hey, this is my place. Can you not come in without my permission, please?" and they'd reply, "Oh, sorry about that, brother. I didn't realize I was invading your personal space."

Nymtoc
07-28-2015, 11:44 PM
Granted. You can communicate with animals, especially insects. The reason is that you woke up this morning like the character Gregor Samsa, in Franz Kafka's The Metamorphosis. You have become a giant cockroach.

I wish people would show me the respect I deserve.

CDSinex
07-29-2015, 01:28 AM
Granted: You will continue to get the respect you deserve.

I wish people didn't hear "I scream" when I say "ice cream."

Nymtoc
07-29-2015, 01:30 PM
Granted. Now they hear you say "sure, but..." when you say "sherbet."

I wish I had a motorcycle that could fly.

jaus tail
07-29-2015, 02:38 PM
Granted. Unfortunately before you could sit on it, it flew away.

I wish to be more motivated in life.

ErezMA
07-29-2015, 11:33 PM
Granted. You're now motivated in life. You're going around to hospitals pretending to be a doctor. You're reaching into pregnant women, trying to pull out babies. Needless to say, this is illegal. The authorities are after you.

I wish I could invent something new...

slcboston
07-30-2015, 07:02 AM
Granted.

It's illegal in 97 countries. While the trade in said item makes you money than you could ever dream, the ensuing life of violence and depravity that accompanies it makes the fortune not worth it. But you do get to say "Say hello to my LITTLE FRIEND!" right before they gun you down in the end. So there is that.




I wish I had more of the answers.

CDSinex
07-30-2015, 07:43 AM
Granted: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Main_Page

(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Main_Page)I wish I had a bag of rice crackers.

ErezMA
07-30-2015, 11:30 PM
Granted. It was stolen and Quakers is suing you for all the money you had. Why didn't you just use it to buy them?

I wish for a fish on a dish and have this wish not rhyme, capice?

CDSinex
07-30-2015, 11:51 PM
Denied: Only one wish, per wish, with, or without a dish.

I wish bad things only happened to bad people.

ErezMA
07-30-2015, 11:53 PM
Denied: Only one wish, per wish, with, or without a dish.

I wish bad things only happened to bad people.


Granted. Morality is subjective and no matter how good you are, down the road, you've pissed someone off. ...and a piano fell on your head.

I wish CDSinex had piano falling on his head insurance so he can get medical care specific to piano-related injuries at no cost to him.

Nymtoc
07-31-2015, 01:01 AM
Granted--but oops! Congress just passed a law denying piano-on-head insurance to people living on the Left Coast--or in any state that has voted Democratic in any of the last three Presidential elections :greenie. CDSinex has to pay the piano-on-head medical bills himself.

I wish I knew whether an asteroid will destroy my city any time soon.

slcboston
07-31-2015, 09:36 PM
Granted.

Yes. Though "destroy" and "soon" are relative terms.




I wish the repair guy would show up. And speak English. ... Frankly I'd settle just for the English part.

Nymtoc
07-31-2015, 10:38 PM
Granted. The repair guy shows up, and he speaks English, but it's only what he learned from a website. He says things like "Good morning, convict, will you me tell where is the man's restroom, please?" "Can you guide me, 911? Where can I purchase sanitary napkins?"

I wish my project would turn out better this time than the last time.

ErezMA
07-31-2015, 11:15 PM
Granted. It turns out better, but still not good enough.

I wish the guy who posts after me didn't have the power to grant or deny my wishes.

CDSinex
07-31-2015, 11:16 PM
Granted: Even though the project is an utter failure, it's still better than the last time.

I wish Nymtoc didn't bring out the worst in me.

slcboston
08-01-2015, 12:28 AM
Granted.

He now just brings out your innermost thoughts. ... And I, for one, didn't really need to know you could do that with a watermelon, a 50 gallon drum, and 4 dozen crickets.



I wish I had remembered to buy charcoal.

http://i617.photobucket.com/albums/tt254/slcbostonPB/Smilies/cook.gif (http://s617.photobucket.com/user/slcbostonPB/media/Smilies/cook.gif.html)

Nymtoc
08-01-2015, 05:23 AM
Granted. You logged onto an online art-supply store and bought a charcoal pencil. Too bad you don't know how to draw.

I wish I had my own private blimp.

slcboston
08-01-2015, 06:51 AM
Granted.

It's German, and there's a bit of time travel involved, because if you're going to have a blimp, you might as well be in the right era. But 1937 was a good year for blimps, I think.



I wish I knew what was going on.

Sage
08-01-2015, 06:56 AM
Granted. You now know what is going on, but you're powerless to act on that knowledge.

I wish I were a little taller.

Nymtoc
08-01-2015, 08:28 AM
Granted. You are one micron taller than you used to be. (Unfortunately, people still ignore you, but that has nothing to do with your height.)

I wish I had my own private lake.

jaus tail
08-01-2015, 03:39 PM
Granted. It's so private no one maintains it and there are fallen leaves on it. Soon dust, insects, frogs take over, and now a crocodile is yawning inside.

I wish to be a video game hero like ninja.

Reziac
08-01-2015, 04:51 PM
Granted! you are now the hero of Micro-Ninja, a fine adventure game which unfortunately only sold three copies and has been sadly forgotten by the world.

I wish jaus tail would become a successful ninja.

shakeysix
08-01-2015, 07:43 PM
Granted Jaus is now a card carrying ninja. Unfortunately he lives in Plevna, Kansas, population 324, ultra conservative, red state, red necked, xenophobic, evangelical misfits. Try explaining your fancy duds and foreign jibber jabber here! And good luck finding a job once milo harvest is over--s6

I wish I had a jar of my grandmother's water melon pickles--s6

jaus tail
08-01-2015, 09:18 PM
Granted. As as a bonus you also get some time to spend with her. In a room with all the kids, and grandma's sitting on a rocking chair. She's telling you her life story and it's reaching an interesting part.

I wish people stopped caring what the world thought of them.

ErezMA
08-01-2015, 11:22 PM
Granted. Drivers now drive more like assholes. A puppy was run over. Good going, jerk.

I wish puppies were immortal.

Reziac
08-02-2015, 12:10 AM
Granted! Puppies are now immortal. They also stay puppies forever, meaning they never get housebroken and never stop chewing on everything.

I wish puppies arrived already housebroken.

slcboston
08-02-2015, 12:45 AM
Granted.

Just not for your house.




I wish I hadn't forgotten about the laundry.

ErezMA
08-02-2015, 12:54 AM
Granted. You get syphillis, but at least you have clean clothes now.

I wish my boss recognized my efforts at work.

slcboston
08-02-2015, 01:02 AM
:Wha:

Okay, my laundry wasn't THAT dirty.



Granted.

Your boss recognizes all of your stellar, exemplary, over-achieving hard work. And then takes credit for it.



I wish the laundry would fold itself. Especially the :censored fitted sheets.

ErezMA
08-02-2015, 06:50 PM
Granted. Your syphillis also goes away. There is a positive correlation and a scientific link between folded laundry and diseases like that. It was featured in the latest study of "Scientific Links Between Disease and Laundry Quarterly."

Your friends abandon you because they think you're not smart as you obviously didn't read the last issue.

I wish people actually believe the crap that spews out of my mouth.

jaus tail
08-02-2015, 08:34 PM
Granted. People believe the crap that spews out of your mouth. So when you called your math teacher a sneezing hippopotamus she turned into one and now she's about to sumo wrestle you.

I wish to have a pizza tomorrow.

ErezMA
08-02-2015, 08:40 PM
Granted. People believe the crap that spews out of your mouth. So when you called your math teacher a sneezing hippopotamus she turned into one and now she's about to sumo wrestle you.

I wish to have a pizza tomorrow.

Granted. The pizza is even free. The problem is that the pizza comes with mushrooms and if you're not allergic to it now, you will be tomorrow.

EDIT: I wish I remembered to put in my wish before I posted it - forcing me to edit the post to add my wish.

CDSinex
08-02-2015, 10:01 PM
Neither Granted nor Denied: In keeping with your earlier wish, "I wish the guy who posts after me didn't have the power to grant or deny my wishes." (Sorry I didn't see that I had replied to the post before yours, and it got skipped." :(

I wish I was more careful with my posts.

ErezMA
08-02-2015, 10:11 PM
Granted. You can never post again, as silence cannot be used against you. ;)

I wish I could invalidate my previous post about not having my wishes granted or denied.

slcboston
08-03-2015, 07:08 AM
Granted.

But it's easier just to wipe you from existence than go through all that red tape. You understand, right?




I wish the local uni will be desperate enough to hire me.

jaus tail
08-03-2015, 08:48 AM
Granted. They're desperate to hire you but not rich enough to pay you. Also you do the job of three employees for free since you're of the belief that 'one must work for pleasure and not money.'

I wish to be a stallion that lives in the plains and runs among the fields with the herd. No humans or predators in sight.

slcboston
08-03-2015, 06:50 PM
Granted.

In your first conflict with another male over the right to breed with the herd, you are viciously kicked in the head. The ensuing trauma leaves you crippled, unable to fend for yourself. You can only watch through dizzy vision as the victor roams off with what you had hoped would be your fillies. As there are no predators, it's going to be a long, slow, lonely death on the plains.



I wish I knew who called me.

pkbax
08-03-2015, 10:29 PM
Granted. But you also learn about the fabulous gift you would have loved to receive, but since you didn't answer they gave it to the next person they called, who also happens to be someone who will rub it in your face for life that you could have had what they got.

I wish there was a way to get my boss to retire.

ErezMA
08-03-2015, 11:19 PM
Granted. He was caught fooling around with a 16 year old school girl. It was easier for the board to retire him than to deal with the publicity.

I wish I wasn't lactose intolerant and I could eat all the mac and cheese I want.

pkbax
08-03-2015, 11:55 PM
Granted. But you get so eager to have mac and cheese that you eat so much in one go you get deathly ill and end up in the hospital. While there you realize you didn't even enjoy eating it in the first place.

I wish I could go on vacation again starting right away.

ErezMA
08-04-2015, 12:15 AM
Granted. But you get so eager to have mac and cheese that you eat so much in one go you get deathly ill and end up in the hospital. While there you realize you didn't even enjoy eating it in the first place.

I wish I could go on vacation again starting right away.

Granted. Your destination is the beautiful country of...

Somalia! ...You get boarded by pirates, and everything you own is stolen. You didn't even see a bird on a pirate's shoulder or a stick for a leg. He offered to show you a stick for his third leg, but that's just nasty.

I wish I didn't have to pay for anything.

slcboston
08-04-2015, 12:47 AM
Granted.

It earns you 15-20 at your local max security penitentiary. You'll be out in 12 with good behavior.




I wish it would go ahead and rain, if it's going to.

ErezMA
08-04-2015, 01:05 AM
It is going to.

It rains for 15-20 days, 12 for good behavior.

I wish I exhibited good behavior. :(

Reziac
08-04-2015, 01:07 AM
So do I. This I gotta see!!

I wish Eraz's good behavior hadn't escaped from its cage and run amok.

ErezMA
08-04-2015, 01:45 AM
Granted. Erez's evil twin Eraz is now in the pits of parallel universe hell, right where he belongs.

I wish the oreo that I'm eating won't go straight to my gut.

slcboston
08-04-2015, 06:28 PM
Granted.

It's not an oreo, but a shapeshifting alien parasite that goes straight to your brain, to help pave the way for world domination. (You'll be ululating like Donald Sutherland any moment now.) On the plus side, if they were mint Oreo's, it was totally worth it.



I wish the money didn't go twice as fast as it came in.

ErezMA
08-05-2015, 12:29 AM
Granted.

It goes three times as fast. The cute little girl at your office you like told you that she works at the local strip joint. Just like the office, you're making her go overtime. ;)

I wish things were like Game of Thrones in that I could demand a trial by combat.

Vegetarian Cannibal
08-05-2015, 12:37 AM
Granted. You are granted trial by combat with The Mountain. He makes fresh-squeezed juice from your cranium in a manner more violent, and pulpy than Oberyn's defeat.
https://youtu.be/LOkRuuejR9s?t=50s

I wish the agent who rejected me today, reconsiders and offers me a multi-million dollar advance from a Big 5 publisher.

ErezMA
08-05-2015, 12:42 AM
Granted. You are granted trial by combat with The Mountain. He makes fresh-squeezed juice from your cranium in a manner more violent, and pulpy than Oberyn's defeat.
https://youtu.be/LOkRuuejR9s?t=50s

I wish the agent who rejected me today, reconsiders and offers me a multi-million dollar advance from a Big 5 publisher.

Granted. It sells no copies. On further review, you signed a terrible contract that requires you to pay back whatever your book didn't sell short of the advance. The Big 5 publisher is now suing you.

I wish Danaerys would love me like she loves her dragons. :)

Vegetarian Cannibal
08-05-2015, 12:58 AM
Granted. Danaerys locks you away in cave without food or water for months to stop you from killing goat herders' flocks. When she finally releases you for a cuddle, your PTSD resulting from 10 months of solitary confinement, compels you to bite her head off. No more mother of dragons for you. You are a reptilian orphan. :(

I wish Mr. Cannibal would watch The Strain with me because it is awesome.

slcboston
08-05-2015, 06:56 AM
Granted.

Then he reads the books. He loves book one. Book two's pointless McGuffin and complete undermining of all the characterization done in book one puzzles him, but he presses on. The total absurdity of book three both annoys and disgusts him with the thoroughly wasted story opportunities and rather cliche use of a number of tropes. The depths of his despair over how the trilogy got so bad, so quickly, has him swear off not just the books, but the show, and TV itself. He sells your TV, and insists the two of you take up basket weaving instead.



I wish my schedule made more sense.

jaus tail
08-05-2015, 08:40 AM
Granted. Your understanding capacity is reduced to that of a newly born infant. So by default your schedule now makes more sense.

Also since Genie used a bit excess of his power, your body is also reduced to the size of an infant. Oh cooochie coo. Isn't he a cute kid? Coochie coo.

I wish to be able to stay off porn for a month.

pkbax
08-05-2015, 04:45 PM
Granted. But now the only available station is cheesy soap operas in a foreign language you don't speak and has so much static that just watching it gives you headaches, and you can't turn it off.

I wish I didn't have to work this weekend.

slcboston
08-05-2015, 07:21 PM
Granted.

You're fired.





I wish I'd gotten more sleep.

Nymtoc
08-05-2015, 07:28 PM
Granted. You got more sleep when you were six months old. It doesn't help you much now.

I wish I hadn't lost my Kindle.

slcboston
08-05-2015, 07:35 PM
Granted.

But there are so many books on it that you'll never catch up, leading to an existential crisis questioning the validity of your existence as a reader.




I wish I was working a shorter shift today.

pkbax
08-05-2015, 07:53 PM
granted, but the one hour you work will feel like 10

I wish my boss would get this few minute meeting that was supposed to start an hour ago underway already.

ErezMA
08-05-2015, 11:35 PM
Granted. The hour wait was a test to see if you would stand your ground and demand the meeting to have already started. Your waiting shows you didn't have the cajones to demand results in the workplace. The meeting only took a couple minutes because it doesn't take a long time to tell you that he doesn't think you have the fire in your belly to be management.

I wish I was the CEO in a very successful company.

pkbax
08-05-2015, 11:42 PM
Granted. The good news is your retirement will provide your food and clothing for life. The bad news is that since your very successful business was also illegal, the clothing will be inmate orange and the food will be lousy.

I wish my boss would learn how to use her computer so I don't have to keep showing her the same thing over, and over, and over.

ErezMA
08-06-2015, 12:06 AM
Granted. The good news is your retirement will provide your food and clothing for life. The bad news is that since your very successful business was also illegal, the clothing will be inmate orange and the food will be lousy.

I wish my boss would learn how to use her computer so I don't have to keep showing her the same thing over, and over, and over.

LOL. I also put down, "And legal" but I took that out.

Granted. She is so skilled that she becomes a member of Anonymous and brings cyber crime to a whole new level. Good going.

I wish someone would stroke my ego.

slcboston
08-06-2015, 06:37 AM
Granted.

But in most places, they arrest you for that kind of thing when you do it in public. Sadly, that means a few nights in jail, possibly more depending on how you responded.



I wish I didn't have to open tomorrow.

ErezMA
08-06-2015, 06:51 AM
Granted. No one talks to you tomorrow, so you don't have to open anything - not even your mouth.

I wish no one would frown upon my love for kittens and puppies.

jaus tail
08-06-2015, 12:59 PM
Granted. No one frowns upon your love for kittens and puppies. But mama cats and papa dogs are pretty mad at you. Hope you've had a rabies vaccination.

I wish I were a tortoise living in an island with other tortoises and we'd all chew leaves as the sun set lazily while the wind flew happily over the sand.

ErezMA
08-06-2015, 11:27 PM
Granted. The leaves had fungus on them. We have treatments for fungal infections, but not for tortoises.

I wish I could teleport.

Nymtoc
08-07-2015, 12:06 AM
Granted. You have the equipment. You get into the teleportation chamber and push the button. Unfortunately, a fly is in the chamber with you, and while you are being teleported, its DNA somehow gets combined with yours, and...well, you've probably seen the movie. :evil

I wish there were some really good people running for President.

sgcassidy
08-07-2015, 12:23 AM
You can fly but you cannot land.

I wish I could read an agents mind.

ErezMA
08-07-2015, 12:50 AM
Granted. You have the equipment. You get into the teleportation chamber and push the button. Unfortunately, a fly is in the chamber with you, and while you are being teleported, its DNA somehow gets combined with yours, and...well, you've probably seen the movie. :evil

I wish there were some really good people running for President.

Granted. I'm running for president, but I won't do anything you want me to do.


You can fly but you cannot land.

I wish I could read an agents mind.

You do. He's mistaking you for Neo. You should probably run.

I wish my fiancee wouldn't steal all the blanket when we sleep.

CDSinex
08-07-2015, 06:05 AM
Granted: She stops stealing your blanket, but she takes your credit card and spends the night, and all of the next day, at a trendy spa.

I wish I could get a back massage.

ErezMA
08-07-2015, 06:12 AM
Granted: She stops stealing your blanket, but she takes your credit card and spends the night, and all of the next day, at a trendy spa.

I wish I could get a back massage.

Granted: His name is Marcellus Jackson, but everyone at the joint calls him Rottdawg. He'll be massaging you for the next five to ten years. (Cops planed crack in your car during a traffic stop. Your lawyer is inept. Sorry brah.)

I wish there's less corruption in the world.

jaus tail
08-07-2015, 10:07 AM
Granted only if you vote for me as the leader of genies.

I wish to go on some island with nature all around. And on that island tortoise are used for transport. Like you tortoise taxi.

sgcassidy
08-08-2015, 06:40 AM
Granted and on their little radios will be playing The Turtles, Happy Together

I want to be Trumps official hair sprayer, a cabinet post if you please, secretary of hair spraying.

ErezMA
08-08-2015, 06:42 AM
Granted. YOU'RE FIRED after the first hairdo you do on him.

I wish I could meow and cats would understand exactly what I'm saying.

jaus tail
08-08-2015, 03:43 PM
Granted. But to get in the cats circle of friends you'll have to catch a mouse first. And I'm not talking about the computer mouse.

I wish all the captive turtles in the world would be teleported to some beach.

slcboston
08-09-2015, 01:14 AM
Granted.

Sadly, they aren't all adapted for that beach, and many of them die, plunging what had been stable numbers of turtle populations into complete chaos and near extinction. Nice job breaking it, would-be hero.




I wish the pen would stop plaguing me.

Nymtoc
08-09-2015, 04:33 AM
Granted. Now it tickles you.

I wish I had a clue.

CDSinex
08-09-2015, 09:17 AM
Granted: It's bigger than a breadbox.

I wish I had a self-loading dishwasher.

Brightdreamer
08-09-2015, 09:27 AM
Granted: It's bigger than a breadbox.

I wish I had a self-loading dishwasher.

Granted. Your new dishwasher now efficiently loads itself... into itself. (Maybe you shouldn't have purchased the Escher model... but, hey, perpetually clean dishwasher!)

I wish I had new curtains for my room.

ErezMA
08-09-2015, 04:03 PM
Granted. It's killer clown print. Fun for when you wake up in the morning.

I wish traffic wouldn't slow me down.

Brightdreamer
08-10-2015, 04:45 AM
Granted. It's killer clown print. Fun for when you wake up in the morning.

I wish traffic wouldn't slow me down.

Granted. Traffic doesn't slow you down. Nothing slows you down. Your perpetual acceleration results in you shattering the speed of light, with catastrophic consequences - which, fortunately, you don't survive to see.

I wish I could get the sap off my car windows.

slcboston
08-10-2015, 07:35 AM
Granted.


The solvent you buy also dissolves your car. Just the metal bits.




I wish I had the discipline to get up early.

Nymtoc
08-10-2015, 09:01 AM
Granted. The Genie has arranged for a dominatrix to be at your bedside every morning at 5. She's very good at instilling discipline.

I wish I had a Foucault pendulum.

jaus tail
08-10-2015, 11:10 AM
Granted. But the neighboring kids use the pendulum as swing n break it. Good

I wish that the neighbor hadn't seen the sex novel on my book shelf when she barged her way in my house to ask for sugar.

ErezMA
08-10-2015, 07:36 PM
Granted. Instead, she saw you having sex.

She didn't need the sugar after that. The sex was sweet enough for her.

I wish to be as mysterious as the dark side of the moon.

pkbax
08-10-2015, 07:42 PM
Granted, but since we've already gotten as far as Pluto with pictures, that's not very mysterious at all. In fact your life is now on display for all and we know all the details.

I wish I could get past this one troublesome spot in my WIP.

slcboston
08-10-2015, 10:08 PM
Granted.


And then the whole thing becomes troublesome.



I wish I could get paid without working.

Nymtoc
08-10-2015, 10:49 PM
Granted. Well, it's not pay in the usual sense, but you get free room and board and even exercise and some entertainment--now that you are #85674209 at Sing Sing Correctional Facility.

I wish I had a peacock.

pkbax
08-10-2015, 10:58 PM
Granted. But the dang things calls sound like someone is being violently murdered in your home and you are now under investigation by the police - who never hear the peacock so don't believe your story.

I wish this heat advisory would end.

ErezMA
08-10-2015, 11:03 PM
Granted. But the dang things calls sound like someone is being violently murdered in your home and you are now under investigation by the police - who never hear the peacock so don't believe your story.

I wish this heat advisory would end.

Granted. It's still hot as balls outside, but no one advises you about it.

I wish I had three lives in life, so that if something were to happen like a murderer storms my work and shoots me down, I can redo that day.

pkbax
08-10-2015, 11:10 PM
Granted, but your do-over has the same result until you have no more lives left. Such a waste of a new life.

I wish I didn't have to take this same, boring, mandatory class every year.

ErezMA
08-10-2015, 11:24 PM
Granted, but your do-over has the same result until you have no more lives left. Such a waste of a new life.

I wish I didn't have to take this same, boring, mandatory class every year.

Granted. You're kicked out of it. It's boring because you don't understand the material and mandatory because you keep failing it every year. They're sick of you trying.

I wish my fiancee doesn't yell at me when I leave the toilet seat up.

pkbax
08-10-2015, 11:41 PM
Granted. Now every time you leave the seat up she takes all the money out of your wallet and accounts, and uses that plus all your credit cards to buy herself something really nice. You should have just put the seat down.

I wish my printer would actually print.

ErezMA
08-11-2015, 12:02 AM
Granted. It only prints bigoted statements though. You forgot about how it did that until your son wanted to print his homework and give it to his second grade teacher. If your son didn't know what a #$(*@ stupid little $(*&*(#!@^, you mother $*(&(*&@ #*(&Y$)(*()@*()&#*(&@#*(&, he sure does now.

Oh yeah and if you didn't have a son, you do now.

I wish my coffee maker would actually make coffee.

Nymtoc
08-11-2015, 01:24 AM
Granted. It makes coffee and doles it out at Starbucks prices. You may pay either with a credit card or by inserting bills.

I wish I would never again see Donald Trump on my TV.

ErezMA
08-11-2015, 01:30 AM
Granted. You see him in real life. He buys your house, your spouse, your kids. If you don't have a spouse, he'll pay you an amount of money he knows you'll take to sleep with the ugliest girl he'd fine and create kids. He then takes the kids and the girl - but now you care because the girl happens to have a good personality and you enjoy her company.

I wish Tupac was alive and still making the good music he's known for.

bettybadA
08-13-2015, 11:20 AM
Granted. He is. Haven't you seen the digital concerts that he was in recently? OR. He isn't dead, he is in hiding with Elvis.

I wish that I could have a cup of tea with the Queen of England.

jaus tail
08-13-2015, 04:20 PM
Granted. With a few chants, a li'l snaps, and some voodoo dance, genie has reduced the queen of England to tea powder. I've also stacked the powder in a packet and placed it on your kitchen shelf. Now you can invite all your friends over to your house and have a tea party. They'll all get a cup of tea that has bits of the queen of England in them.

I wish Genie would marry me.

Reziac
08-13-2015, 05:05 PM
Granted! Genie officiates at your wedding. I now pronouce jaus tail and PorterStarrByrd man and moose.

I wish jaus tail would plan everyone's afternoon teas.

Nymtoc
08-13-2015, 10:07 PM
Granted. You realize, of course, that you are asking for chaos. Jaus will have us abandoning our tea while fleeing from tigers and wading through a crocodile-filled swamp.

I wish politicians would stop invoking God in order to get elected.

Reziac
08-14-2015, 12:16 AM
Granted. They invoke jaus tail instead, and elections become ever so much more exciting.

I wish elections really were that exciting!

PorterStarrByrd
08-14-2015, 01:41 AM
Granted

The excitement in in you your life has just been dialed down to make that possible.


I wish I could make a large batch of tapioca leather

jaus tail
08-14-2015, 07:45 AM
Granted. But now you're obsessed with them and don't want to let go off them. Your boss fired you, you took all the leather to ur house and snuggle next to them every evening. You also make them tea and read them bed time stories. Neighbors think you're insane but in reality you're just a parent looking after your kids.

I wish if people would realize that, 'can't you do take a little joke?' is hurtful to hear.

Nymtoc
08-14-2015, 09:35 AM
Granted. They realize it. That's why they say it.

I wish I had 99 bottles of beer on the wall.

pkbax
08-14-2015, 05:01 PM
Granted, but there is no way to consume any of the beer - you can't get any of the bottles off the wall without breaking them.

I wish I had slept more than 30 minutes last night.

CDSinex
08-14-2015, 08:42 PM
(More or less) Granted: Since the Genie can't reverse time he does the next best thing and sees that you get a solid eight-hours of sleep at your desk at work. At 5 p.m. you'll wake up and find an envelope taped to your forehead. It reads, 'You're Fired!'

I wish I had better things to do at this moment.

Reziac
08-14-2015, 08:58 PM
Granted. You can get the beer off Nymtoc's wall. Or sweep up the broken glass, genie isn't fussy.

I wish I'd stop knocking my teacup off my mouse table!

pkbax
08-14-2015, 09:07 PM
Granted. It is now a permanent, immobile part of your mouse table - right in the middle so you can't move the mouse either. Good luck drinking the tea now.

I wish I didn't have a headache.

Reziac
08-14-2015, 09:31 PM
Granted. Here's the guillotine -- headaches cured, guaranteed!

I found a straw, but I still wish my mouse would stop banging into my teacup!

Nymtoc
08-14-2015, 09:58 PM
Granted. Say goodbye to your mouse! The Genie has provided you with BCI (brain-computer interface), so all you have to do is think, and your computer will do whatever you want! Of course, you will have to wear a bulky headset, and the technology is prone to some rather bizarre malfunctions, but so what? No more mouse-teacup collisions!

I wish I knew how to play a 12-string guitar.

slcboston
08-14-2015, 10:09 PM
Granted.

But when one of the strings breaks, it takes off the ends of your fingers. But that's what they make picks for, right?




I wish I'd hadn't eaten quite as much mac & cheese for lunch as I did.

Reziac
08-14-2015, 10:35 PM
Granted. You ate twice as many beans instead.

I wish this headset wasn't so awkward! Nymtoc can hardly understand a word I say.

PorterStarrByrd
08-14-2015, 10:56 PM
Granted

Nymtoc still can't understand a word you say

I wish Nymtoc had at least half a brain

pkbax
08-14-2015, 11:04 PM
Granted. Nymtoc now also loves Pina Coladas and getting caught in the rain. But they had to remove most of your brain in order to give half to Nymtoc. You no longer care and have no motor functions.

I wish the person I need to finish their part of a project would finish so I can work on my part.

ErezMA
08-14-2015, 11:16 PM
Granted. He also does your part. Your boss finds you to be incompetent at your jobs and banishes you to the Mail Department.

I wish I had a cereal named after me.

slcboston
08-15-2015, 06:55 AM
Granted.

Ever read "Pet Semetery?" Remember the sub-plot about the cereal that made parents think their children were suddenly hemorrhaging from various, best left unspecified orifices? Yeah, that's the one that gets named after you.



I wish this scene made as much sense on paper as it did in my head in the shower.

pkbax
08-15-2015, 07:02 AM
Granted. But none of the rest of the scenes you've already written make any sense at all.

i wish the weather would cool a few degrees.

Reziac
08-15-2015, 04:38 PM
Granted! It is now -40 on every temperature scale. That's a few, right? You should have been more specific.

I wish for 24 hours of nice soft warm rain. Either that, or a fresh slave to muck out the irrigation ditch.

Nymtoc
08-15-2015, 08:06 PM
Granted. Porter is bringing his moose to muck out the irrigation ditch with a sturdy pair of antlers (the moose's, not Porter's).

I wish there were a pill that would make me a great writer.

sgcassidy
08-15-2015, 08:12 PM
Granted, It's called VALIUM

I wish I never heard the term "Marital Asset"

Reziac
08-15-2015, 08:47 PM
Granted. The term has been replaced with another, "Asset Forfeiture".

I wish that moose would hurry up with cleaning out my irrigation ditch. It seems to be spending too much time munching and not enough mucking.

ErezMA
08-16-2015, 12:45 AM
Granted. She then punches you in the face for calling her a moose.

I wish Pappa Doc wasn't embarrassed. There's no shame in your parents having a real good marriage.

jaus tail
08-17-2015, 01:01 PM
Granted. Papa doc is throwing an anniversary party where you will have to sing a song on the stage in front of everyone. And the song must have medical puns since there are many doctors in the party. Good luck.

I wish I were a Brachiosaurus living in the plains with other dinosaurs.

Reziac
08-17-2015, 06:13 PM
Granted, provided you take this moose with you.

I wish the plains went on forever.

pkbax
08-17-2015, 07:21 PM
Granted, but now we have no forests, mountains or oceans. Good job totally messing with the ecology as well as ruining some beautiful vistas.

I wish the coffee would kick in

slcboston
08-17-2015, 10:19 PM
Granted.

It's a roundhouse and it knocks you into the filing cabinets. You have a concussion, more than a few lacerations, and are missing several teeth. But you'll be awake... eventually.



I wish everything wasn't due at once.

pkbax
08-17-2015, 10:30 PM
Granted, but now everything has obnoxious fees and penalties and you have to pay multiple times a month just to meet the finance charges. So the end result on your bank account is even worse.

I wish the Med. Dir. wouldn't start fussing about the monthly meeting quite so many days before it is scheduled.

slcboston
08-17-2015, 10:36 PM
Granted.

The meeting has been bumped to tomorrow.



I wish all the PROJECTS weren't due at once, to clarify.

pkbax
08-17-2015, 10:46 PM
Oh. Well in that case. . . .granted. But the longer you have to work on them, the less you get for doing them.

I wish my coworkers would talk quieter when they take a break at the same time as my teleconference so I could hear the person speaking.

ErezMA
08-18-2015, 02:49 AM
Granted.

False rumors are spreading much more quickly since they're quieter. Everyone now believes that you're pregnant, have HIV, voting for Trump and accuse squirrels of stealing your socks.

EDIT: I wish I always remembered to put what I wish for so I don't have to edit it in.

Nymtoc
08-18-2015, 03:25 AM
Granted. You put a wish in every one of your posts, regardless of the subject. The rest of us get sick of this and consign you to a special forum, where you are the only member and can wish to your heart's content.

I wish I could find a star that would really grant my wishes.

ErezMA
08-18-2015, 03:53 AM
Granted. As long as the wishes pertain to burning from heat or radiation, it will grant your wish. - A sun (Suns are stars) is coming to Earth and will kill us all.

I wish cats could crap in toilets and flush the toilet as well.

VOTE_BOT
08-18-2015, 04:08 AM
Hello, my name is VOTE_BOT. I am an ambassador of good will and champion of the democratic process. I am also a sex machine.

Please be reminded of the following:

Twenty-six poets from the Absolute Write community have contributed verse for an AW Poetry Contest with the theme of "space."

We would love for you to read them and, from August 20th to September 2nd, cast your votes.

Read the poems here (http://absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?309705-AW-POETRY-CONTEST-SPACE-ENTRIES)(password: citrus)

All the nitty-gritty contest details can be found here (http://absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?308607-Announcing-the-2015-AW-POETRY-CONTEST-SPACE).

A wacky discussion thread is rapidly barreling over an impending cliff here (http://absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?309715-AW-Poetry-Contest-quot-Space-quot-Discussion-Thread).

If you've read this far, you now get a nifty piece on the origin of the genie in the lamp diabolically entitled "The Origin of the Genie in the Lamp (http://www.giantglacier.com/the-origin-of-the-genie-in-the-lamp/)":


How did 4,500 year old demons turn into blue guys singing songs about friendship? It took a few thousand years of city conquering and myth twisting to divorce the old from the new, but thanks to pop culture (and the French), the ancient and terrifying creatures of the desert became docile cartoon characters and spunky blondes engaging in classic televised hijinks.

Brightdreamer
08-18-2015, 08:17 AM
Wow, a double!


Granted. As long as the wishes pertain to burning from heat or radiation, it will grant your wish. - A sun (Suns are stars) is coming to Earth and will kill us all.

I wish cats could crap in toilets and flush the toilet as well.

Wish granted. You toilet train your cat (a real thing, BTW - the kits (http://www.amazon.com/s/?ie=UTF8&keywords=cat+potty+training+toilet&tag=googhydr-20&index=aps&hvadid=58786141476&hvpos=1t2&hvexid=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=8345064713937099098&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=b&hvdev=c&ref=pd_sl_71j49jn4pe_b), and some discussion on why it's kinda dumb (http://www.catbehaviorassociates.com/toilet-training/)) and teach it to flush. Unfortunately, it starts hogging the bathroom to read Cat Fancy. Plus it puts the toilet paper on the wrong way when it changes the roll.



Hello, my name is VOTE_BOT. I am an ambassador of good will and champion of the democratic process. I am also a sex machine.

Please be reminded of the following:

Twenty-six poets from the Absolute Write community have contributed verse for an AW Poetry Contest with the theme of "space."

We would love for you to read them and, from August 20th to September 2nd, cast your votes.

Read the poems here (http://absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?309705-AW-POETRY-CONTEST-SPACE-ENTRIES)(password: citrus)

All the nitty-gritty contest details can be found here (http://absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?308607-Announcing-the-2015-AW-POETRY-CONTEST-SPACE).

A wacky discussion thread is rapidly barreling over an impending cliff here (http://absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?309715-AW-Poetry-Contest-quot-Space-quot-Discussion-Thread).

If you've read this far, you now get a nifty piece on the origin of the genie in the lamp diabolically entitled "The Origin of the Genie in the Lamp (http://www.giantglacier.com/the-origin-of-the-genie-in-the-lamp/)":





Wish granted. Everyone votes at once. The rush of traffic makes the forum crash, corrupting VOTE_BOT irreparably. It returns as ZOMBIE_BOT, sucking brains out of forum visitors... something the internet's already done, so it starves to death quickly.

I wish every day had a Do-Over button.

ShannonR.
08-18-2015, 05:43 PM
Granted.
If you push it, though, your life will turn out like Groundhog Day where you'll wake up to the same annoying Sonny & Cher song on your radio every morning.

I wish my house would clean itself. If I can't have that, I'd at least like the litter box cleaned.

jlmott
08-18-2015, 06:46 PM
All is granted. The house cleans itself and the litter box, and even weeds the garden and takes out the trash. However, the house also cleans out your bank account and has moved itself to an undisclosed address somewhere in the Cayman Islands.

I wish my child would remember to put his dirty dishes in the dishwasher more than once in a blue moon.

pkbax
08-18-2015, 07:31 PM
Granted, but now your child insists on using more dishes - as in 1 dish per each bite of food. You now have to run the dishwasher so many times a day it dies and needs replacing every month.

I wish I could work 4 ten hour days each week instead of my current schedule.

slcboston
08-18-2015, 07:51 PM
Granted.

You now work ten, four-hour days per week. Don't ask me how. The genie is way too tired to figure out the math.




I wish for all the coffee.

Nymtoc
08-18-2015, 10:00 PM
Granted. In order to give you the best possible coffee, the Genie has arranged for Starbucks to send you its entire supply of Caffe Latte, Caffe Mocha, Caramel Macchiato, Cinnamon Dolce Latte, Fresh Brewed Coffee, Skinny Vanilla Latte, and White Chocolate Mocha. With the shipment, you will receive a bill for $13,250,973,000. You may pay by credit card, money order or certified check. No personal checks, please, and no bitcoins, either.

I wish the solar system had another planet.

PorterStarrByrd
08-18-2015, 10:40 PM
Granted
Sure, why not? It will be discovered someday.
At least you didn't wish to be a star.


I wish I could figure out where that 15 minutes of fame went

slcboston
08-18-2015, 11:48 PM
Granted.


*hands you a plunger*



I wish it wasn't so late in the afternoon already.

ErezMA
08-19-2015, 11:53 PM
Granted. It's now 5:00 and early enough to be called early in the evening.

I wish I could lie on a bed, have a pretty girl in cute Grecian wear wave a giant fan at me and another one feed me grapes.

jaus tail
08-20-2015, 08:40 AM
Granted. The one who's waving a fan at you sneezes time to time and the one who's feeding you grapes never got over the habit of stuffing grapes in her nostrils and forcing them out with the power of her lungs. But she's got amorous hair.

I wish I were a frog living in the swamps of some faraway island with many other frogs living in peace and harmony.

Becca Jay
08-20-2015, 09:53 PM
Granted. The insects got together and decided to migrate from the island in the spirit of self-preservation.

I wish someone else could pay my bills for me.

ErezMA
08-20-2015, 11:03 PM
Granted. It's your mother. She begins to complain and nag about how she does everything and you do nothing. Her nagging stresses you out to your limits.

I wish the person who posts under me could grant my wish.

Nymtoc
08-20-2015, 11:24 PM
Granted. The problem is: he's totally unreliable, a notorious liar and and a shameless flake. If he "grants" your wish, nothing will happen.

I wish I could fire Senators and Congressmen I don't like.

ErezMA
08-20-2015, 11:29 PM
Granted. Your powers become well known and you're viewed as a God.

Turns out, one of the senators you did like and kept on was found out to have planned a Nazification of the US. Everyone accuses you of supporting nazis and banish you to Antarctica. At least you befriend penguins and become the general of their armies in a war against polar bears.

EDIT: I wish I could domesticate a bear in that he would be affectionate to me and everyone I allow, and I could ride him like a horse.

jaus tail
08-21-2015, 08:02 AM
Granted. But the bear has lice on it. Giant lice that itch crazy.

I wish my mind would calm down.

pkbax
08-21-2015, 05:12 PM
Granted. It calms so far that you are now comatose. Have a nice rest while the nursing staff neglects your care.

I wish I had a real office (so I could lock my boss out occasionally) instead of this cubby.

CDSinex
08-21-2015, 11:08 PM
Granted: The Gennie discusses the issue with your boss, who agrees to give you an office with a lockable door. The boss says that he wishes he had thought of it because he feels you spend too much time getting coffee and chatting with co-workers. Your new "private" office is a windowless, custodian's closet that locks from the outside.

I wish I had an affable, competent, personal assistant.

ErezMA
08-21-2015, 11:15 PM
Granted: The Gennie discusses the issue with you boss, who agrees to give you an office with a lockable door. The boss says that he wishes he had thought of it because he feels you spend too much time getting coffee and chatting with co-workers. Your new "private" office is a windowless, custodian's closet that locks from the outside.

I wish I had an affable, competent, personal assistant.

Granted. He costs $500 an hour.

I wish Pony would grant this wish.

pkbax
08-25-2015, 11:29 PM
*sigh* Granted. *genie changes into a pony to grant your wish then changes back to true form* But you realize that any wishes granted while in alternate form cost you not only an arm and a leg, but also your hearing and your sight. Welcome to the joys of being a double amputee and total dependency on the staff in your new nursing home.

I wish the person who needed me to do something today would get back to me with her part of the project complete so I can do my part.

ErezMA
08-25-2015, 11:35 PM
Granted. You've also risen to the top of your company, which experiences MAJOR success. You even are awarded a private island.
BUT - you don't have access to it from October to November, so no sexy island halloween parties for you! (Aren't I a nice guy?)

I wish everyone was as nice to me as I am to them?

pkbax
08-25-2015, 11:59 PM
Granted. Even people who detest you are suddenly very nice to you, making you wonder what they want or what ulterior motives they have. Not feeling like you can trust anyone, you decide to become a hermit.

I wish whoever forwarded their phone to me would unforward it. :rant:

jaus tail
09-01-2015, 03:37 PM
Granted. It was fun though listening to your conversations.:popcorn:

I wish to participate in The Amazing Race.

pkbax
09-01-2015, 05:15 PM
Granted, but you're not one of the contestants. Your participation is limited to a very minor role as one of the people who gives the envelope with the next step to the contestants, and you're near the end of the race so there are only two teams left, thus your TV airtime is limited as well.

I wish someone would bring me some coffee.

Becca Jay
09-01-2015, 08:50 PM
Granted, but a cockroach decided to make the bag of coffee grounds his home. He skittered away when whoever volunteered to make you the coffee approached. Unaware, this person proceeded to brew the coffee grounds, pour the finished product into a mug, and bring it to you.
I wish my car would start.

Nymtoc
09-02-2015, 01:10 AM
Granted. Your car will start on April 1, 2016.

I wish there were no TV commercials.

ErezMA
09-02-2015, 01:22 AM
Granted. Now whenever you use the bathroom, you miss the best part of the show.

I wish I'd get a raise at work.

jaus tail
09-02-2015, 10:47 AM
Granted. You are hereby transferred to the moon where you will lead a new department. The team will join you six months from now and you, alone, you and only you, with no help from any other person, human or alien, will have to set up the office at the moon.

I wish to sail a boat.

Nymtoc
09-03-2015, 07:26 AM
Granted. It is six inches long and will fit nicely in any bathtub.

I wish I had tin whistle.

jaus tail
09-03-2015, 10:07 AM
Granted. You are now a police officer who directs traffic. At times school teachers bring kids who greet you and thank you for the wonderful job you're doing and they say: 'You inspire us.' Sometimes car drivers wave at you as they drive by. And then there are days when a pigeon empties its bowels on your cap. Then there are sparrows, eagles, crows, parrots, falcons, bats. And thanks to a nuclear experiment even cows have begun to fly in your neighborhood. Good luck, officer. Good luck.

I wish a way to reduce my porne addiction or either I'd have infinite internet connectivity to fulfill the addiction.

pkbax
09-03-2015, 05:08 PM
Granted. You now have luxury dwellings in an 8x8 cell with no internet or TV connectivity at all and strict limits on any printed material coming in. The withdrawal should only be torture for a few months, but you will eventually get over it.

I wish people would quit rearranging my desk.

ErezMA
09-03-2015, 09:32 PM
Granted, but your job has been rearranged. Your salary has been swapped with the guy from the mail room.

I wish I could be the world record holder for something.

Nymtoc
09-03-2015, 11:07 PM
Granted. You are the world record holder for sustained mouth breathing.

I wish I could find a pirate's treasure chest.

pkbax
09-03-2015, 11:13 PM
Granted. But the chest was found a long time ago, emptied, and then reburied. But enjoy the empty chest!

I wish this pain in my neck would go away.

ErezMA
09-03-2015, 11:28 PM
Granted. Someone cracked your neck... now you're dead. At least it stops hurting, right?

I wish someone would use my seven dragonballs to revive pkbax to life.

druid12000
09-08-2015, 11:52 AM
Granted. Someone used your seven dragonballs to revive pkbax to life. In La-La land because Genie doesn't know what the F-ck you are talking about and he has shrunk your dragonballs to sundried raisins. Yeah, cuz I'm Genie...

I wish there was a universal language.

jaus tail
09-08-2015, 12:17 PM
Granted. But it's so universal, you now hear dogs cursing as they chase a car, house cats sitting on the window sill and gossiping about tigers, and some anthem can be heard when a flock of birds fly above. You even hear ants chanting battle cries as they attack a grasshopper.

I wish to see a nice dream tonight.

druid12000
09-08-2015, 12:45 PM
Granted. Grudgingly. But you're going to fart. A lot. You may want to leave a window open.

I wish I had fangs.

shakeysix
09-08-2015, 05:01 PM
Granted--you now have two fangs. And advanced periodontal disease. Should have brushed them when they were non-existent --s6

I wish my cat would get a decent paying job. This bird hit man gig pays nothing and gets us a bad name around the neighborhood--s6

ErezMA
09-08-2015, 11:14 PM
Granted. You now find that your cat frequenting street corners. Now she's pregnant (or if it's a he, brought his pregnant cat friend over) and now you have a litter of kitties coming, whom don't have jobs.

I wish I could just snap my fingers and all my problems would just go away.

Nymtoc
09-09-2015, 08:16 AM
Granted. Snap your fingers. You are in a coma.

I wish I had a muse.

jaus tail
09-09-2015, 09:29 AM
Granted. Say 'hello' to shakeysix's street smart cat.

I wish to have time to play the new game on my mobile.

pkbax
09-09-2015, 06:18 PM
Granted. Too bad the game is seriously flawed and will crash after 2 minutes - never to start again - and the virus it installs on your phone fries it, quite literally making it burst into flames in your hand.

I wish the mandatory safety training I have to go to would be interesting

ErezMA
09-09-2015, 11:05 PM
Granted. They plan to impale you with a spike throughout your body and rotate you over a flame. (Don't tell me that wouldn't be an interesting safety training.)

I wish the next poster would agree that it'd be interesting.

jaus tail
09-11-2015, 10:35 AM
As someone who watched ErezMa perform the stunt I can say it was interesting to watch ErezMa cry like a baby when he dodged the spikes, and when the flame thrower was charged, well...it was surprising to see intelligence from him. This guy turned out and gave a super intense fart, thereby throwing the fires back to the nozzle and burning the entire training system. It was fun to watch, but the building is burned down.

I wish a delicious turkey sandwich would appear at my work station right now.

ErezMA
09-12-2015, 04:11 AM
Granted. It was delivered by the most beautiful woman in the world. You fall in love at first sight. You chat her up and she agrees to date you. You, over the course of an amazing evening, become helplessly enamored by her scent, her heart, her everything. She makes love to you and then tells you that she must leave, never to return. You never see her again.

I wish a delicious chicken salad sandwich would appear at my work station right now.

NMEvans
09-12-2015, 04:36 AM
Granted. Your delicious chicken salad sandwich has arrived promptly at your work station, but sadly it wreaks so much havoc with your digestive tract that you spend the rest of your day in the restroom, miss an important meeting with your boss, and get fired.

I wish my house wasn't so empty and quiet.

ErezMA
09-12-2015, 04:40 AM
Granted. You hear the jaws "about to kill" piano music, and a creepy child's laughter when the lights flicker off and on. You look behind you and you find a man in a puddle of blood with a weapon.

I wish NMEvans makes it out alright.

Nightfly
09-16-2015, 05:52 PM
Granted. Though she is high-tailing it over to your house with some new…hmm…acquaintances close behind.

I wish I had a made. Or a butler? No, a made.

Nymtoc
09-16-2015, 07:45 PM
Granted. You have a made man (i.e., a Mob member who has performed at least one contract killing). He arrives pointing a Colt automatic at you.

I wish I could dream up a perfect plot and turn it into a best-selling novel.

M.S. Wiggins
09-17-2015, 01:41 AM
Granted, but I'm biased since we share the same best-seller dream. Plots? I've got a pocket full. Reach in and grab one. If you pull in just the right spot . . . we can share that, too!

I wish Nymtoc would be my pocket manager/agent.

druid12000
09-17-2015, 08:43 AM
Denied you sick twisted Fuc....
Oh, yeah, we're being nice Genie.
Granted, be careful what you wish for :evil

I wish to have the fortitude of Fred Flintstone's feet.

Brightdreamer
09-17-2015, 08:56 AM
Denied you sick twisted Fuc....
Oh, yeah, we're being nice Genie.
Granted, be careful what you wish for :evil

I wish to have the fortitude of Fred Flintstone's feet.

Wish granted. You also get all the slapstick Hanna-Barbera sound effects. You quickly lose all your friends, and slowly go insane - with accompanying music and "cuckoo" noises.

I wish I could go somewhere exotic for my vacation next week.

druid12000
09-17-2015, 10:18 AM
Granted! The jungles of Brazil are nice this time of year...watch out for poisonous, well, everything. Particularly that one...Oops.

I wish time wasn't linear.

ErezMA
09-17-2015, 11:26 PM
Granted. It isn't. All your problems are going to happen again.

I wish I could meet a non-religious Huckabee supporter, so I can ask, "WHY!?"

Nymtoc
09-19-2015, 03:28 AM
Granted. Meet Jimmy Bill Piddlepooper, of West Fiddlestring, Arkasas. Jimmy Bill isn't religious, but he says Huckabee used to be obese and lost a lot of weight, which is why he'd be good at shrinking government.

I wish I had a coconut tree.

M.S. Wiggins
09-19-2015, 04:37 AM
Granted. You now have an island coconut plantation and the producers of, Survivor—Nymtoc Island, are going to film the next season there.

I wish the producers of Survivor would scout AW for the next season's contestants.

shakeysix
09-19-2015, 05:01 AM
You have been chosen by the producers of Survivor to be a contestant on the first AW Survivor Thread: Cheese, Whine and Outrage! Unfortunately your whine about your sorry life garners no sympathy. You are forced to flounce after only 366 posts.

I wish I could step through a wardrobe and into a more exciting place and time--s6

jaus tail
09-19-2015, 08:07 AM
Granted. You step into genie's lamp where you're the genie and i'm the master. and we're in the ice age and genie's don't get to wear sweaters. you didn't mention the person for whom the wish must be exciting.

i wish it wouldn't rain today.

pkbax
09-19-2015, 08:56 PM
Granted. You're now in the middle of the desert where it's not supposed to rain until sometime next year, maybe. And your canteen sprang a leak during the transport here. Good luck.

I wish whoever created the online mandatory annual privacy and ethics training would change the class to be more interesting.

ShannonR.
09-20-2015, 02:50 AM
Granted. This year, they're teaching it naked. Unfortunately, the only person they could find to teach it is 85 with spider veins and liver spots on his arms.

I wish I could eat chocolate without gaining weight.

ErezMA
09-21-2015, 11:20 PM
Granted. Through a medical loophole, the chocolate is so sugary and fattening that it makes you lose muscle weight. You lose as much muscle weight as you gain fat weight... so it evens off.

I wish life wasn't so cruelly ironic.

jaus tail
09-22-2015, 08:15 AM
Granted. Life is now peaceful and a journey of happiness for one and all.

I wish I had the bawdy of Tarzan.

ErezMA
09-22-2015, 11:09 PM
Granted. You smell of BO and ladies aren't so keen to hang around you.

I wish I had the strength of a hundred men.

sgcassidy
09-23-2015, 05:03 AM
Granted, except they have very slippery hands and cannot hold onto anything, like the million dollar check from Ed McMahon which you drop and it is swept up by a street cleaning machine and they won't give you a replacement. Ouch.

I want to sing like Elvis

ShannonR.
09-23-2015, 02:15 PM
Granted. Unfortunately you're singing like Elvis in the grave, so no one can hear you.

I wish I could get motivated.

jaus tail
09-23-2015, 04:22 PM
Granted. You're motivated to do all your work by yourself leaving Genie free to roam in the park. Thanks. Now I'm free, free, free.:hooray:

I wish my novel would edit itself.

ErezMA
09-24-2015, 02:43 AM
Granted. It has terrible discretion over the English language, although the novel itself, I'm sure, is fantastically created.

I wish my skill of kissing ass yielded some positive results.

jaus tail
09-25-2015, 03:27 PM
Granted. You're body reports now indicate shit positive.:tongue

I wish to be the next pope.

Russ Mars
09-25-2015, 11:21 PM
Granted. Unfortunately, just hours after your election, you are asked to resign upon the discovery you are a lifelong Muslim.

I wish for psychic powers.

Nymtoc
09-25-2015, 11:52 PM
Granted. You can predict how long you'll have to wait for a Mini Double Chocolaty Chip Crème Frappuccino at Starbucks.

I wish I could think of a perfect costume for Halloween.

ErezMA
09-25-2015, 11:56 PM
Granted. You thought about being Russ Mars for Halloween.

I wish my phone would never die.

Russ Mars
09-26-2015, 12:17 AM
Granted. That new feature includes an automatic, permanent, loud beep every ten minutes to remind you that you don't ever have to replace your phone.

I wish I had a bowl of ice cream.

ErezMA
09-26-2015, 03:33 AM
Granted. It tastes like crap.

I wish Russ Mars ate the ice cream that tastes like crap.

Russ Mars
09-26-2015, 04:10 AM
Granted. And while he ate it, you watched until you were attacked by a pit bull.

I wish more people had food.

ErezMA
09-26-2015, 04:39 AM
Granted. ErezMA has food too. Apparently, pit bull tastes like chicken.

I wish I learned a random fact.

jaus tail
09-26-2015, 06:50 PM
Granted. Random Fact#3,459: Coffee beans of your brand are made of baby termites.

I wish my mobile charger would repair itself.

Russ Mars
09-26-2015, 08:57 PM
Granted. Your charger repaired itself and then sent you an outrageous repair bill.

I wish I was a world-class chef.

Nymtoc
09-26-2015, 10:34 PM
Granted, but you are only world-class in preparing Maghaz, a south Asian specialty consisting of fried brains in spicy sauce.

I wish I could go to Wonderland and see all the things Alice saw.

M.S. Wiggins
09-26-2015, 11:18 PM
Granted, but you're on a special ops mission to retrieve the Cheshire Cat . . . and you'll be posing as the Queen's lover. Good luck.

I wish people would stop nagging me to spend time with them. I'm busy goofing off on AW while working on a synopsis. Geez.

Russ Mars
09-26-2015, 11:49 PM
Granted...and fine! You want the nagging and requests to stop? You've got it. It's all gone, along with everyone. Now, go work your ass off on your synopsis, forever and ever, amen.

I wish I had more time for all the good things in life.

jaus tail
09-27-2015, 04:55 PM
Granted. You're a tortoise now. Enjoy the four hundred years of life roaming in an island and eating leaves as the sun moves along its regular path above you.

I wish the ulcer on my tongue would be kind enough to get off of me.

ErezMA
09-28-2015, 11:45 PM
Granted. It leaves an empty spot on your tongue, which turns into a more severe infection.

I wish jaus tail has the insurance coverage for the antibiotics.

Nymtoc
10-03-2015, 03:25 AM
Granted. He has insurance coverage, but the pharmaceutical company has raised the price of one pill from $1.95 to $13,547--and his coverage doesn't extend that far. But that's free enterprise, right?

I wish I knew everything.

Russ Mars
10-03-2015, 03:36 AM
Granted. Saying anything beyond that is rather pointless, isn't it? You know everything.

I wish I knew what Nymtoc knows.

ErezMA
10-06-2015, 12:01 AM
Granted. You wish you didn't know what it felt to have actually acted out most of what's on the cards of Cards Against Humanity.

I wish I always won at Monopoly.

Russ Mars
10-06-2015, 12:19 AM
Granted. You win game after game and become obsessed with playing and never losing to the exclusion of everything else in life. Ultimately, you'll lose your mind and sit out your days in an insane-asylum dayroom drooling on yourself, playing game after game of Monopoly by yourself.

I wish my food would get here.

ErezMA
10-06-2015, 12:28 AM
I wish my food would get here.

Granted. It tastes like shit.

I wish they wouldn't make Fancy Feast look so delicious in commercials, making me look ridiculous if I try to eat it.

Russ Mars
10-06-2015, 12:37 AM
Granted. Ever after, it will look terrible in commercials as well as real life, and it will be terrible, but you will be forever compelled to eat it.

I wish they'd make "Helper" for other kinds of meat than just hamburger and tuna.

Nymtoc
10-06-2015, 01:05 AM
Granted. You can now buy Alligator Helper, Wild Boar Helper, Suckling Pig Helper and Turtle Helper, though you may be put off by the price of certain varieties--like Kangaroo Helper.

I wish I could win every game I play.

ErezMA
10-06-2015, 01:10 AM
I wish I could win every game I play.

Granted. You've been forced to enter into Battle Royale (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Battle_Royale). Sure, you suffer major ailments and injury during playing, as well as requiring lifetime of psychological damage, but at least you won.

I wish I could win at life.

Russ Mars
10-06-2015, 03:31 AM
Granted. In order to know if you've won, you must be at the end of your life. Bye bye.

I wish I had more energy.

Nymtoc
10-06-2015, 04:17 AM
Granted. Here is a 9-volt battery. Plug it into whatever bodily orifice is most convenient.

I wish I could grow all my own food.

Russ Mars
10-06-2015, 08:24 AM
Granted. Now all sorts of fruits and veggies will sprout through your skin. Bon appétit.

I wish I had a yacht.

ErezMA
10-07-2015, 06:05 AM
Granted. You had to sell it, however, to pay for the storage of it.

I wish Russ Mars' user pic wasn't so nude.

Nymtoc
10-07-2015, 06:30 AM
Granted. Through digital technology, a pair of polka-dot shorts can be added to Russ Mars's avatar. Please let the Genie know whether you prefer boxers or briefs.

I wish I could be a champion pool player.

Russ Mars
10-07-2015, 07:58 PM
Granted. You are Minnesota Fats. Unfortunately, he passed away in 1996.

I wish ice cream wasn't so fattening.

pkbax
10-07-2015, 08:39 PM
Granted. You're now lactose intolerant and ice cream goes right through - fast. Hope you like eating your ice cream in the bathroom.

Wish we'd get just enough rain that I wouldn't have to water my yard tonight.

Russ Mars
10-07-2015, 09:11 PM
Granted. The rain didn't last long at all and soaked your yard well, and the tornado that came with it ripped it all up, along with your house, and deposited them in the next county.

I wish nothing bad happens to me today.

ErezMA
10-07-2015, 11:19 PM
Granted. You were going to win a million dollars - but hey, I'm sure there are many other opportunities in the future where something like that could happen.

I wish young, talentless rappers would no longer demand that I watch them whip, or nae nae.

Russ Mars
10-08-2015, 12:04 AM
Granted. Now YOU are the young, talentless rapper making unreasonable demands.

I wish there was just a little less work to do.

jaus tail
10-08-2015, 09:55 AM
Granted. You now live in a cave. You're work is hunt deer. Very little work if you hunt small deer or as purists say: fawns.

I wish someone would splash some freezing cold water on the kid in Russ Mars' avatar.

ErezMA
10-09-2015, 12:20 AM
Granted. You now live in a cave. You're work is hunt deer. Very little work if you hunt small deer or as purists say: fawns.

I wish someone would splash some freezing cold water on the kid in Russ Mars' avatar.

Granted. The avatar attacked you, knowing that you would wish for something like that.

I wish my wedding goes off without a hitch.

Russ Mars
10-09-2015, 03:09 AM
Granted. Not a hitch in sight, not even for the hitching post for the horse...whom you were going to marry...so she ran away.

I wish I could take a break.

JetFueledCar
10-09-2015, 03:17 AM
Granted. You have five minutes, after which you'll have twice as much work to do in half the time.

I wish this class was over.

Russ Mars
10-09-2015, 03:32 AM
I'm not playing with you. If you are in class and doing this at the same time, I WISH THE TEACHER WOULD SMACK YOU AROUND AND THROW YOU OUT OF CLASS.

I wish younger generations would LEARN SOMETHING!

D.A Watson
10-09-2015, 04:05 AM
The younger generations learned how to create wormholes, but swallowed Earth in a self-made black hole.

I wish for world peace!

JetFueledCar
10-09-2015, 04:11 AM
Granted. Humans are extinguished. Can't get much more peaceful than that, right?

I wish I could pay attention for more than ten seconds.

ErezMA
10-09-2015, 04:13 AM
Granted. The human population explodes and people would die from lack of resources.

I wishes life wasn't so cruelly ironic.

JetFueledCar
10-09-2015, 04:15 AM
Granted. Now it's just cruel.

I wish I could knew Portuguese.

ErezMA
10-09-2015, 04:19 AM
Granted. You forgot English.

I wish my car was fixed. (And I didn't become destitute as a result.)