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slcboston
03-05-2015, 08:47 PM
Granted.

You travel to exotic, interesting places. You see incredible wild animals, a wide array of diverse species, and then get too close to a hippo. Should have just gone to the zoo.



I wish I could teleport.

Nymtoc
03-05-2015, 09:09 PM
Granted. Having had to deal with your increasingly absurd wishes, the Genie is more than happy to teleport you--right out of this galaxy. Have a nice trip.

I wish I could make all the laws in this country and dispense with the nonsense coming from Congress and the White House.

PorterStarrByrd
03-05-2015, 10:14 PM
Denied.
We have already been exposed to your version of rationality.


I wish I had a left shoe

Reziac
03-05-2015, 10:55 PM
Genie will be happy to grant this wish -- when you get a left foot. What did you do with it, anyway??

I wish Porter had a left foot. But not mine.

slcboston
03-06-2015, 12:59 AM
Granted.

But after he puts it in and shakes it all about, don't expect any sympathy from me when he comes looking to you for what it's all about.




I wish people with MFA's would realize that in addition to having a "message," it also helps to have good writing.

jaus tail
03-06-2015, 11:29 AM
Granted. Now people at MFA are doing good writing. But their writing is so good that everyone buys and reads only their books. All the other writers are out of business(as if they were earning well before:P). I see a group of non-MFA writers with pitchforks and torches shouting slogans as they run towards your house. Good luck.

I wish I had wings so I could fly to some mountains.

Reziac
03-06-2015, 11:39 AM
Granted! You have wings, marvelous wings... you fly up and up, higher and higher and higher, until at last you arrive -- at the Mountains of the Moon! Not sure how you're gonna get back. Or breathe. But hey, flying!!

I wish I had my own habitable planet.

jaus tail
03-06-2015, 11:42 AM
Granted. In return I destroy the earth, since there can only be one habitable planet in the galaxy. Now all the souls of dead earthlings are haunting you in your habitable planet. Have fun.

I wish I would transform to a mountain leopard. I'm trying really hard but meditation doesn't seem to be working.

Thuro
03-06-2015, 11:46 AM
You do indeed become a mountain leopard. Kind of. You fall so deep into your meditations your heartbeat stops. In your final moments you believe you are a fierce hunter. Its kind of beautiful actually. I'm tearing up jut thinking about it.

I wish crime would end so I don't have to be Batman anymore. In the words of Sweet Brown: Ain't nobody got time for that.

jaus tail
03-06-2015, 11:51 AM
Granted. Crime has ended. Good luck finding a new job. It's harder than you think cause 'running over terraces with a black cape and mask' isn't a credible hobby as you thought.

I wish I could run like the Flash. I've always wanted to, you know. It's been my childhood dream to run like Flash. Genie, will you fulfill this wish of mine?

slcboston
03-06-2015, 07:34 PM
Granted.

You can now run like the Flash. Once. Because the human body isn't meant to travel at those speeds, and you weren't specific enough asking for his powers. Ergo, no speed force, just really, really fast running. Oh, and it's going to be a short run.




I wish I had my own plane.

Nymtoc
03-06-2015, 08:54 PM
Granted.

The Genie has sent you a plane that shapes wood quickly and easily.

I wish I had a three-cornered hat.

PorterStarrByrd
03-06-2015, 09:54 PM
Granted (giggles)
With no directions, he'll never figure out how to put in on


I wish I could figure out how to open this banana (no directions came with it)

Nymtoc
03-07-2015, 10:16 AM
Granted. Here is a device that looks like a pineapple. Put your finger through the ring at the end and pull. After six seconds, you will hear an explosion, and the banana will open.

What's the best way to teach a fish to talk?

PorterStarrByrd
03-07-2015, 04:24 PM
Whip it daily, use bright lights while you are questioning and, if all else fails, dryboard it.


Which path shall I follow.

Reziac
03-07-2015, 06:04 PM
Genie grants you the ability to follow some path, any path.... Where it leads is yours to deter-- ooops. Sorry about the cliff.

I wish these guys knew which thread they're in!

Nymtoc
03-07-2015, 07:28 PM
Granted. The Genie has provided each of "these guys" with a lovely assistant who will sit by their side (or sit in their lap, or even give them a :censored...) to help them know which thread they're in.

I wish Reziac would become jealous of the guys who have lovely assistants.

Reziac
03-07-2015, 07:56 PM
Denied! Those guys' definition of 'lovely' leaves much to be desired!

I wish I had a bevy of strapping lads and lasses.

jaus tail
03-07-2015, 09:53 PM
Granted. You have a bevy of strapped lads n lasses of all races. But to prevent gender discrimination the lads n lasses are of equal number n are already dating each other. You're left alone. Well here's some ice cream to cheer you up. Oops i dropped it in the gutter. Oh never mind we all know the three second rule. Besides it hasn't fallen if no one's seen it fall.

I wish I were a kangaroo kicking the hell out a cheetah that tried to kill me.

Nymtoc
03-08-2015, 05:41 PM
Granted. But now that you are a kangaroo, you will remain a kangaroo forever. Put that in your pocket.

I wish I dwelt in marble halls.

PorterStarrByrd
03-08-2015, 05:51 PM
Denied !!!!
Shame on you !!! Marble halls are no better than pool halls and will lead to your downfall.



I wish I had a nice pair of aggies.

Nymtoc
03-08-2015, 08:12 PM
Granted. You now own the Stockbridge School of Agriculture and the University of Kentucky College of Agriculture. The Genie hopes that--despite his knowledge of your character--you will turn out to be a good administrator.

I wish I could go back one week in time and change a few things.

jaus tail
03-09-2015, 10:35 AM
Granted. You are now one week back in time. Have you seen the butterfly effect? Well by changing that one act that you did after one week, you result in this wish being given to someone else in the present time. And that person didn't attend morality lectures in college. Long story short...world war III happens. Now because of you kids born after the war will have bigger history books. How does that make you feel?

I wish I were a shark that traveled ocean to ocean.

Nymtoc
03-09-2015, 09:06 PM
Enough already! The Genie made you a kangaroo, and now you want to be a shark? OK, you are a kangaroo shark. You can jump through the water but you can't swim, and there's going to be a problem keeping your baby kangaroo-sharks in your pouch. Deal with it.

I wish I had a system that would let me go to Las Vegas and win big $$$ at all the casinos.

PorterStarrByrd
03-09-2015, 09:10 PM
Granted soon (take a number)

You are 1346376298674637th (we are currently serving #14)



I wish I could see the front of the line

tianaluthien
03-09-2015, 11:50 PM
Granted! You're at the front of the line...but it's the wrong one.

I wish the snow was gone.

jaus tail
03-10-2015, 07:52 AM
Denied. The snow has a right to stay in this world. I cannot just send it away. That's bias. Have you ever wanted the wind to go away or the earth to go away. Then why such intolerant attitude towards the snow. why do you want the snow to be left out?

i wish to see a battle between a lion and a tiger. a real battle, not a simulated one. like make a wrestling arena and place a lion at one end and a tiger at the other. and also get me some popcorn and front row seats as i watch this fight.

smoothopr8r
03-10-2015, 11:21 AM
Granted. Your seat is in the wrestling ring and you are the prize.

I wish I could fly.

PorterStarrByrd
03-10-2015, 04:31 PM
Granted
You are now a mosquito




I wish eggs didn't roll

Nymtoc
03-10-2015, 06:43 PM
Granted. Eggs don't roll. They rock.

I wish people would stop making silly wishes.

Reziac
03-10-2015, 07:30 PM
Granted. This thread now has zero posts.

I wish everything was so easy to reboot.

Nymtoc
03-10-2015, 08:53 PM
Granted. The Genie is wearing steel-toed boots and finds it very easy (and very pleasant) to reboot you. Happy landings.

I wish I lived on Easy Street.

Reziac
03-10-2015, 09:39 PM
Granted! You are now a Charlie Chaplin character (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EQdV0MJyWcY).

I wish Nymtoc hadn't dented his steel-toed boots.

Nymtoc
03-11-2015, 12:43 AM
Granted. Nymtoc didn't dent his steel-toed boots.

I wish Reziac would become a character in Chaplin's Modern Times and get stuck in all that bizarre machinery.

Reziac
03-11-2015, 01:11 AM
Denied! As everyone knows, Reziac can break anything. Do you think they want to have to rebuild those sets??

I wish I had a Rube Goldberg device.

jaus tail
03-11-2015, 07:57 AM
Denied. Genie just google searched Rube Golderg devices, and they're mine. They're all mine. You don't get anything. All the cool devices are mine. Mwahaha

I wish I were witty as Rube Goldberg, muscular as a football player, and rich like a politician.

Reziac
03-11-2015, 09:02 AM
Granted! You are now Jesse Ventura.

I wish I was built like the Doomguy.

jaus tail
03-11-2015, 10:12 AM
Denied. Here's a gym membership and a trip to the forest. Staying in the forest n leaping from branch to branch, running away from the predators, n eating fruits will make you like Doomguy.

I wish internal peace for my soul.

Nymtoc
03-11-2015, 05:47 PM
Granted, but you'll have to die first. The Genie isn't rushing you--take your time--but understand that you won't find peace till you are in the ground.

I wish I could go to Egypt and discover a pyramid that nobody knew about.

Reziac
03-11-2015, 08:14 PM
Granted. It is buried under half a mile of desert. You'll be a long long time digging it out. Here's a shovel; hop to it!

I wish everyone would appreciate the desert as much as I do.

jaus tail
03-11-2015, 08:21 PM
Granted. Everyone appreciates the desert as much as you do. In fact you guys are now a part of 'Love The Desert' Club. Finally, you're a member of some club. Somebody's ecstatic about the meetings.

I wish a piano would fall on my 4 colleagues, and they would like really cry in pain.

slcboston
03-14-2015, 06:12 PM
Granted.

They aren' seriously injured, though, and as they all cry out simultaneously a passing music agent recognizes their amazing harmony. The agent signs them to a contract, and within six months your colleagues all have fame and fortune. Meanwhile, the police are asking questions about your so-called "piano movers" business.


I wish there was a cheaper way to heat my apartment.

Nymtoc
03-14-2015, 06:50 PM
Granted. Here's a match.

I wish technology would cease where it is. There are too many new gimmicks for me to keep up with.

slcboston
03-14-2015, 10:38 PM
Granted.

Sing with me now: "It's the end of the world as we know it..."





I wish I could move things with my mind.

smoothopr8r
03-15-2015, 12:15 AM
Granted, after Genie gave up looking for his reading glasses.

Your mime is on the front porch. let him out of his invisible box and he'll move whatever you need moved.

I wish I had an invisible box.

slcboston
03-15-2015, 12:42 AM
Granted.


... Wonder if I remembered to put air holes in it. :idea:

Oh well.





I wish I had more inspiring choices for dinner. By which I mean "pizza."

jaus tail
03-15-2015, 10:37 AM
Granted. Your choices of pizza are:
pizza made by you
pizza made by your lover with heart shape carrots on it
pizza made by your neighbor and stolen by you
pizza made by your dog and snatched by you
pizza made by you ten years ago but preserved in the refrigerator

I wish I was one of those guys who works in animal planet or national geographic where i get to live in forest with animals.

Nymtoc
03-15-2015, 06:20 PM
Granted. You have been posted to the Indonesian island of Gili Motang, where you will be stationed--alone--for the next three years, studying (and avoiding being eaten by) Komodo dragons.

I wish I were a hip-hop dancer.

jaus tail
03-16-2015, 08:13 AM
Granted. You are now a hip-hop dancer, and functions, award ceremonies, sports events are inaugurated with your performance. But since it's a gift and it's the duty of the genius to spread the gift to the world, you're not getting paid for it. It's your duty to entertain since you've been blessed with feet that hip-hop.

I wish I were a Siberian Tiger living in the Russian Forests.

slcboston
03-17-2015, 12:44 AM
Granted.

Any excuse to send you off to Siberia is fine with the djinn.





I wish I could buy one of those autofeeder things for my cat and not have him gorge himself on it until he puked.

PorterStarrByrd
03-17-2015, 07:13 PM
Denied,
You make absolutely no sense which does not surprise me any more. Cats do not eat the same thing auto's do and, in fact, can be pretty finicky anyway. Throwing up is just something cats do to keep you busy an is not related as much to what they eat as much as how much they have cleaned their fur.

I wish I had a whole lot more red cents.

NathanBrazil
03-17-2015, 07:54 PM
Granted. Three burly movers relocate you immediately in front of your outhouse. (Which still houses an ornery alligator). They seal all the doors, board up the windows and make a nice round hole in your roof. They pump red cents through a tube inserted into the hole til your house is filled with red cents. Hopefully you'll be able to use those red cents to pay for any structural damage.

I wish I could live off of the dust and crud collecting under my desk.

Reziac
03-17-2015, 08:48 PM
Granted. You are now a dust mite.

I wish Nathan Brazil would return!

slcboston
03-18-2015, 12:01 AM
Granted.

I'm not going to bother Googling that so I'm just going to bring you Nathan, from Brazil. He's an anaconda. Kinda hungry, too. Might be best to just leave him be.



I wish my cat shed less. And not in clumps. All over the freshly vacuumed carpet.

Reziac
03-18-2015, 12:18 AM
Granted. Your cat does something else entirely. It's not in clumps. But it's all over the freshly vacuumed carpet, just like you ordered. Eugh!!

I wish I had a lawn tractor.

slcboston
03-18-2015, 12:26 AM
Granted.

It's upstairs. How you get it down to the lawn is not my problem.



I wish I could exercise in my sleep and awake both refreshed and buff.

jaus tail
03-18-2015, 07:42 AM
Granted. You exercise in your sleep and wake up refreshed and buff. But you don't remember that you've worked out, so you again do the exercise and keep on doing it. Now you're super skinny and all it takes is a little wind to lift you off the ground into the sky.

I wish I were a pokemon.

slcboston
03-19-2015, 12:45 AM
Granted.

You live your life free, peaceful, and happy, until some kid comes along, traps you in the tiniest habitat ever, and yanks you from your natural surroundings. You're only let out to engage in combat against other creatures, similarly yanked from their homes, all for the twisted amusement of the beings that captured you. If you're "lucky" you'll win enough battles and then be forced to undergo what can only be described as a cataclysmic physical change for the express purpose of fighting creatures more powerful than the ones you fought previously.

All while an insidiously catchy tune plays in the background.



I wish there were more hours in the day. And that I'd use them productively.

NathanBrazil
03-19-2015, 01:14 AM
Granted.

But we had to steal hours from your closest neighbor, some where near Alpha Centauri.
As our days get longer and longer, theirs get shorter and shorter. But for the people
of earth this has caused some unusual side effects. Some have to mow their lawns
twice in one day, others are excessively happy, but most, who can only sleep in the wee
hours of the night, grumpier ( Dawn of the dead grumpy ).

Unfortunately the Alpha Centauriansans have found the culprit that has pilfered their hours.

*knock knock* ( I wouldn't answer that. )

I wish my office rotated like a round ball and was without gravity,
making it impossible to know which way is up or down.

Komnena
03-25-2015, 04:26 PM
Granted. Your office is now in a malfunctioning space station without any gravity. Hopefully the air will hold out until rescue comes.
I wish my house would declutter itself.

PorterStarrByrd
03-25-2015, 04:39 PM
Denied
The fire marshal is beginning to narrow in on me.



I wish My magic beans would start to grow

slcboston
03-25-2015, 06:38 PM
Granted.

They only grow after you decide they weren't really magic beans, and therefore you might as well eat them. I'm hoping having a 300ft tall beanstalk rising out of the ruptured remains of your stomach won't be a problem.



I wish I had a TA, because someone needs to grade these papers and it's clearly not going to be me.

NathanBrazil
03-25-2015, 07:43 PM
Granted ... sorta.

Welcome to the new world of self-grading papers. Nanobots, hidden within the weave of the paper, grade an assignment when it falls into your inbox. Some overzealous nanobots grade as the student is midway through the assignment. A few nanobots get loose and wreak havoc in your gradebook.

I wish I could train my posts to reply to other’s posts.

jaus tail
03-26-2015, 04:05 PM
Denied. Genie's magic doesn't go beyond the rules and restrictions of Post Rights Activists. Just because a post cannot fight back, doesn't mean its immune to pain.

I wish some animal ran faster than the cheetah. I'm tired of cheetahs being the fastest land mammals on Earth. It's high time someone races them. Come on, evolution, get to work.

slcboston
03-27-2015, 07:07 AM
Granted.

Any number of animals can, actually, out-run a cheetah. Over distance. Heck, we can do it. So like a great many things, it all depends on the yardstick you're using. However, given that you're probably talking about sprinting, I've got some running shoes for you, and an instant ticket to Africa. I promise we'll start you out slow. You just first have to outrun the lions.



I wish I didn't have to go to work tomorrow.

jaus tail
03-27-2015, 07:47 AM
Granted. You don't have to work tomorrow. But since tomorrow changes every midnight, it seems to advance to the next day. Didn't see that. Oh well, now you have to work everyday, even on weekends since tomorrow never comes.

I wish someone would change the color of the moon. I'm tired of seeing white. How about some yellow n some dark green, with orange. Make the top part dark orange then a strip of yellow n then orange. Also could you change the shape. Round is so common. How about a square moon? Yep, a colorful square moon. That's what I wish for, genie.

slcboston
03-28-2015, 06:49 AM
Granted.

The moon not only is square, and colorful, but it glows and speaks to you. Directly to you. As only you can hear. I wouldn't recommend telling anyone the moon speaks to you, but sadly, you won't be able to help it. However, I'll take pity on you and ensure that your padded cell does contain a small window from which you can continue to see and hear the moon.

Or maybe I'll just spray-paint Porter's backside, put a frame around it, and have him stand outside your window. I'm kind of torn as to which idea I like better, at this point.



I wish I had a coin to flip.

jaus tail
03-28-2015, 12:25 PM
Denied. What makes you think Genie carries change? Frankly, I am offended by that remark. Here, take a fire ball.

I wish zebras would visit some decent paint shop. Retro is so out of fashion. What's with the black and white uniforms they wear everyday? That's my wish. Color the stripes of zebras. Seriously, add some color to their life, genie.

slcboston
03-30-2015, 02:02 AM
Granted.

Zombie zebras descend upon your neighborhood. You are the last to go, and in your death throes will be greeted with the sight of zebras who are black and white and red.


I wish I didn't have to go back to work tomorrow.

Reziac
03-30-2015, 02:17 AM
Granted! You're fired!

I wish I knew for sure if these things growing everywhere are currants, gooseberries, or weeds that will take over the world (as they appear to be doing).

slcboston
03-30-2015, 02:32 AM
Granted.

You already know the answer to that. I'd start running, now. As much good as that's going to do you.




I wish I'd at least get a decent severance package, if they're firing me.

jaus tail
03-30-2015, 09:36 AM
Denied. You're severance package compensates for the items you've stolen from the company. Pen, pencil, print out papers, computer, electricity, water, coffee powder, sugar, cups, water cooler, taps, wires, dust bins, plastic bottles, air conditioned air, flower pots, mud, spirits, desk, floor tiles, more pens, your boss' wig, tissue paper, more pens, ink for pens, pencils, sharpener, more pens, chair cushions, tables, files, more pens, sockets, plugs, internet connection, photo frame, mirrors, bulbs, more pens, stapler, cupboard, half a roof, two pillars, elevator, cafeteria, and more pens.

I wish tortizes would come out of that shell. I mean it's high time. No one's gonna make fun of them. There's a limit to being an introvert.

slcboston
03-30-2015, 04:11 PM
Denied.

Have you read the latest issue of TMNT? Heartbreaking, man. No more turtles out of their shells.



Incidentally, it's not my fault she left her wig laying about.....





I wish I could start the Easter vacation now, instead of having to work the next three days.

Nymtoc
03-30-2015, 06:02 PM
Granted. You've been fired. Your vacation starts immediately and will last a long, long time.

I wish I didn't sneeze so much.

slcboston
03-30-2015, 11:41 PM
Granted.

Remember the Augean stables from the labors of Hercules? Remember how the king solved his particular olfactory problem? (If not, think Red Skull.) It's going to be like that.



I wish you could actually get hired on the basis of your actual experience and not whether you had the @#$% money to earn a @#$% piece of extra paper.

(Sorry, job-hunting and grumpy.)

jaus tail
03-31-2015, 07:46 AM
Granted. You're the new president of a company started by you, that takes over the market, and beats all competition. You're successful, happy and own a ford which you give to genie as a gift for granting his wish. Who says rich people aren't generous.

I wish good health for the blue flower that has bloomed on my plant.
http://i1320.photobucket.com/albums/u530/ajaytulsiani/69da3c9d-88f1-4d94-8912-16f96533a166_zpsgyzgnxm6.jpg~original

slcboston
03-31-2015, 05:17 PM
Granted.

No, that's it. Just granted. It's snowing here, so I'm going to let all the flowers bloom.





I wish there were flowers here.

Nymtoc
03-31-2015, 06:16 PM
Granted. Your yard is covered with thistles. Their little flowers are pretty, don't you think? (Don't mind the prickles.)

I wish it would be 75 degrees here tomorrow.

Reziac
03-31-2015, 07:18 PM
Granted! It will be 75 degrees there... Kelvin (http://www.rapidtables.com/convert/temperature/kelvin-to-fahrenheit.htm). Better put on an extra layer of long underwear!

I wish all the weeds in my yard would vanish. Especially the sowthistles, which I'm pretty sure were planted by Nymtoc.

PorterStarrByrd
03-31-2015, 07:26 PM
Granted
Your yard has been selected for use as a hazardous waste holding center.


I wish the laws of supply and demand would work in my favor

Reziac
03-31-2015, 07:59 PM
Granted! I have an excellent supply of hazardous waste. You've demanded it. It's yours!!

I wish this funny-looking plant would bloom so I can tell what it is.

Nymtoc
03-31-2015, 09:19 PM
Granted. It blooms, and you realize that it is a Venus Flytrap that has been exposed to radiation. It is growing rapidly, devouring every living thing that comes near, and as you lean down to study it...oh...sorry about that...

I wish I could invent a game as successful as Monopoly.

slcboston
03-31-2015, 10:31 PM
Granted.

You invent it. Parker Brothers steals acquires the design from you. They get rich. You die in obscurity.




I wish I could remember what I was going to say.

PorterStarrByrd
03-31-2015, 10:35 PM
Denied
The rest of the world doesn't



I wish everybody could enjoy the kind of day BOS is having, right there beside him

slcboston
03-31-2015, 10:55 PM
Granted.

The entire world is right here next to me. But due to small miscalculation, it's also been reduced to the size of a small fuzzy pom-pom, and is promptly knocked across the room by my cat. And now the entire world has motion sickness.



I wish the cat was sitting a little farther away from the keyboard. Or would at least brush his teeth.

TheEchelon
04-01-2015, 02:05 AM
Your wish is granted! Your keyboard and every other spare keyboard in your home teleports on the roof of your home, and it suddenly begins to hail the size of tennis balls.

I wish to live a long and healthy life being the leader of a global criminal organization bent on controlling the world (much like Ernst Blofeld of the SPECTRE organization from the James Bond series :O).

slcboston
04-01-2015, 02:12 AM
Granted.

You are COBRA Commander. (You didn't specify "successful.")






I wish this sausage tasted a little better.

Nymtoc
04-01-2015, 03:44 AM
Granted. The sausage tastes a little better, but unfortunately (you didn't catch the news tonight?) it was taken off the market when researchers found that it is infected with a deadly strain of E. Coli.

I wish I had an extra hand.

slcboston
04-01-2015, 04:28 AM
Granted.

Don't ask where it's attached.




I wish my vacation started tomorrow.

PorterStarrByrd
04-01-2015, 04:37 AM
Denied

... but you are going to wish it is your vacation that starts tomorrow ... oh snap. Every watch Ground hog day?


I wish my Beta Max hadn't broken down.

slcboston
04-01-2015, 05:51 AM
Granted.

No idea where you're going to find anything to watch, but your Beta Max is fixed.

(And cool. I always wanted to learn to play the piano and ice sculpt.)



I wish I knew how to play the piano.

Nymtoc
04-01-2015, 06:32 AM
Granted. The Genie found an old player piano for you at a garage sale. All you do is put a roll of perforated paper in it, push a couple of buttons and sit there and move your hands while the keys go up and down. No one will know the difference.

I wish I lived in a mansion.

TheEchelon
04-01-2015, 08:19 AM
Your wish is my command! The only problem is that you now live in a mansion on a small secluded island with no electricity, no food, and no people. Oh, and a hurricane is comin'. :S

I wish I had a really resourceful and awesome super-power.

jaus tail
04-01-2015, 09:26 AM
Granted. You're the new genie. You're resourceful for others n your power is awesome for others.

I wish the kitten that has jumped on my math teacher would transform to a hippopotamus just before landing.

slcboston
04-01-2015, 11:26 PM
Granted.

Unfortunately the sudden shift in mass also affects the trajectory. Don't bother ducking; it won't do you any good.



I wish my landlord would show up to fix the hole in my roof.

Nymtoc
04-02-2015, 12:06 AM
Granted. He fixes the hole and produces your lease, which says (in very small print) "All repairs to the structure shall be paid for by the tenant, with a minimum of $1,000 per job."

I wish I had a coach and four.

slcboston
04-02-2015, 07:48 AM
Granted.

But in the next three minutes they revert back to pumpkin and mice. Sorry about the delay; there was a backlog.




I wish I wasn't so wired.

jaus tail
04-02-2015, 08:50 AM
Granted. You're not wired. You're a writer now. Now you wish you were wired.

I wish to see a meteor tonight. Like some astronomical event.

slcboston
04-06-2015, 07:58 PM
Granted.

It turns out to be more than the average size meteor, and hurtling straight for your house. Go, now, and you might just make it out. Your house is toast, though.



I wish these papers would grade themselves.

Nymtoc
04-06-2015, 08:46 PM
Granted. The New York Times gives itself an A-, the Wall Street Journal gives itself an A+ , and the Daily Mail gives itself an F. Oh, you meant some other kind of papers? You should be more specific.

I wish I could grow flowers inside my apartment.

slcboston
04-06-2015, 09:04 PM
Granted.

Three words: "Feed me, Seymour."


I wish I had less ethics and could just roll a dice to grade papers.

PorterStarrByrd
04-06-2015, 09:20 PM
Denied
One is possible but not ethical

I wish I could watch baseball

slcboston
04-06-2015, 09:52 PM
Granted.

It's opening day, after all, so where would you like to be? (Bearing in mind under no circumstances can I get you into Fenway. There are some things even a djinni cannot accomplish. Not at those prices.)



I wish I was watching baseball, too. Someplace warm.

jaus tail
04-07-2015, 04:19 PM
Granted. You're now the guard of 'Sports 101' Shop. You have to sit outside the gate, greet the incoming customers, and as for the customers who are leaving, here's the memo:
1) if they're carrying shopping bags in their hands, then greet them, 'Good bye, Sir. Do visit next time. Such a cute baby, coochie coochie...'
2) if the customers are leaving without any shopping bags then you use your shotgun. We'll send their heads to the workshop, paint them orange, and add them to the baseball inventory.

regarding the warmth, well you're posted outside the shop, so it's warm under the sun. As a plus point you also get some money each month. Talk about getting lucky.

I wish free tickets to an island for an entire weekend would arrive at my doorstep. Travel charges paid, hotel bill also paid, food bill also paid, drinks bill also paid, internet connectivity bill also paid, pet tortoise bill also paid, cable bill also paid, electricity bill also paid, my house loans also paid, my car loan also paid, petrol bill also paid, credit card bill also paid, future bail money also paid.

slcboston
04-07-2015, 07:09 PM
Granted.

*sends you to Clipperton Island, all expenses paid*

Hey, at least I picked someplace tropical. I almost sent you to the Antipodes.



I wish I could hold the dealer responsible for my car repairs.

Nymtoc
04-07-2015, 07:19 PM
Granted. But he weighs 320 pounds, and holding him puts a terrible strain on your back.

I wish I had a fig tree.

CDSinex
04-10-2015, 03:12 AM
Granted. If you look in a mirror you'll notice a rather large fig tree growing out of your ear.

I wish animals could talk to me.

Nymtoc
04-10-2015, 04:59 AM
Granted. They're talking to you. If you can't understand them, you have a problem.

I wish I hadn't dropped the poppy-seed bagel on the kitchen floor.

slcboston
04-10-2015, 06:27 AM
Granted.

You dropped it in the bathtub. And even that was a near miss from someplace else.



I wish I had the good sense to be in bed.

jaus tail
04-10-2015, 07:20 AM
Granted. You have a good sense to be in bed but you have such a bad body odor that no one wants to be in bed with you. Enjoy the eternal celibacy.

I wish to see a yellow rose today.

slcboston
04-15-2015, 06:44 AM
Granted.

You're now living inside a John Wayne movie. At least, I think it's a John Wayne movie. Either way, expect to be shot before the end of the first act.



I wish I knew how I was going to pay my taxes.

Nymtoc
04-15-2015, 07:29 AM
Granted. And as soon as the IRS catches on, uniformed men will arrive at your door and take you away.

I wish something nice would happen to me tomorrow.

jaus tail
04-15-2015, 12:08 PM
Granted. The crow that was about to shit on you tomorrow, empties its bowels on your coat today.

I wish I were muscular, like one of those guys in WWE.

slcboston
04-15-2015, 04:59 PM
Granted.

And then, in a fit of roid rage, you go berserk in a local biker bar. Good news is, you can watch wrestling on the prison tv.


I wish I could be outside today instead of stuck inside, looking out.

Nymtoc
04-15-2015, 06:46 PM
Granted. You are outside. To emphasize the fact, the Genie has sent you to the South Pole, where today's temperature (according to the National Weather Service) is -56 F.

I wish a chauffeur-driven limousine would pull up in front of my building and take me to my big appointment this afternoon. (Make it a white limousine, please.)

jaus tail
04-16-2015, 08:03 AM
Denied. Your racist remark of not being all right with an african-american limousine just earned you two months of community service, and next week you'll have to read an essay on apartheid to school kids. Court Dismissed.

I wish I were a muscular hunk from some forest, one of those seven foot tall men with huge biceps and strong legs. Like Tarzan.

slcboston
04-16-2015, 06:09 PM
Granted.

You're an orangutan. A very tall orangutan.


I wish I had any idea what topic to give my students for their presentations.

Nymtoc
04-16-2015, 08:06 PM
Granted. Choose from one of the following:

a) Discuss the prevalence of ground sloths in cecropia forests before they became extinct (the sloths, not the trees).

b) Present apodictic arguments proving that Emily Dickinson wrote Shakespeare (or vice versa).

c) Come up with 19 rhymes for "orange."

____________

I wish I could perform a stunt like the one a postal worker did yesterday when he landed a gyrocopter in front of the Capitol in Washington--only more spectacular.

Reziac
04-16-2015, 08:24 PM
Granted. You leap from a gyrocopter in front of the Capitol--

*splat*

Cleanup to ring one!!


I wish I knew more rhymes for 'orange' than just 'doorhinge'.

Nymtoc
04-16-2015, 08:53 PM
Granted. In English, words often migrate from noun to verb to adjective, etc. Recently, the word "boring" has been accepted as a verb. Example: "Reziac borings."

I wish I could play a lyre.

slcboston
04-17-2015, 07:00 AM
Granted.

But you'll need to be transported to the appropriate time. Remember to take your anti-nauseau pills before you time travel.


I wish I was sleeping soundly in bed.

jaus tail
04-17-2015, 07:34 AM
Granted. You're sleeping soundly in bed while a centipede crawls up your foot, under the helm of your trouser.

I wish i had a helicopter that has missiles n bombs that i can fire wherever i want.

slcboston
04-17-2015, 06:54 PM
Granted.

You are now in your helicopter, high in the sky, armed to the teeth with all sorts of very explosive ordinance. ... You do know how to pilot a helicopter, right?

Oh well, too late now.

http://i617.photobucket.com/albums/tt254/slcbostonPB/Smilies/atomic.gif (http://s617.photobucket.com/user/slcbostonPB/media/Smilies/atomic.gif.html)





I wish the coming drive would go faster.

Nymtoc
04-17-2015, 09:00 PM
Granted. You are driving faster, faster, faster as you approach the cliff, faster, fas...:e2teeth:

(Oh, that's not what you meant? The Genie is not a mind-reader. :D)


I wish I didn't have to sleep.

NathanBrazil
04-19-2015, 06:54 AM
You have been provided with your very own siamese twin. He has taken over your sleep function, essentially sleeping 24 hours a day. Though dragging this dead weight around may prove to be somewhat inconvenient - dressing, bathing, etc.

I wish they would lift the ban on human shock collars, making it so much easier to curtail unwanted behavior.

Nymtoc
04-19-2015, 11:34 AM
Granted. The Behavioral Police are placing a collar on you now.

I wish the sky would be green sometimes.

jaus tail
04-20-2015, 11:28 AM
Granted. The sky looks green. Coming to think of it the sky reflects the color of the oceans. So it's the oceans that are green. Too much plankton in the oceans. The aquatic animals died due to lack of oxygen. How does it feel to indulge mass murder?

I wish I would never feel hungry.

slcboston
04-29-2015, 06:01 AM
Granted.

You never feel hungry, but as a consequence you never eat, and within a month you starve to death.


I wish I had a transporter.

Nymtoc
04-29-2015, 06:13 AM
Granted. A fine young donkey has just arrived in front of your house. It is a good transporter, but you may not like its disposition.

I wish I could have a conversation with William Shakespeare, Benjamin Franklin or Mark Twain. (One will do--I'm not greedy.)

slcboston
04-29-2015, 06:28 AM
Granted.

You get to talk to Ben Franklin, local plumber, proud union member, but not very well read. Be prepared to talk beer and football. Endlessly.


I wish I could go anywhere I wanted, instantly.

jaus tail
04-29-2015, 09:30 AM
Granted. All you have to do is get a job, earn lots of money and buy a plane ticket.

I wish I were the coconut tree across the street where people park cars. That way I could drop a coconut on my colleague's car.

slcboston
04-30-2015, 01:41 AM
Granted.

But there are monkeys. And "I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts" will be stuck in your head all day.




I wish I was done.

jaus tail
04-30-2015, 07:20 AM
Denied with a heavy heart. Since you're eternally celibate no one is allowed to do you, so you can never be done. Sorry. But here's a subscription of playboy magazine to enhance your fantasies.

I wish for a happy news this weekend.

Nymtoc
05-03-2015, 07:40 PM
Moderately granted. The weekend is almost over, and you haven't had any happy news yet, so you're just about bummed.

I wish ten publishers would compete for my manuscript.

jaus tail
05-03-2015, 09:00 PM
lol. thanks for cheering me up.
oh wait, u mean that's ur wish and not something u said to cheer me up!
hmm...ok ten publishers are competing for ur manuscript, but they're all scam. so sorry.

i wish my headache would disappear.

slcboston
05-04-2015, 08:37 PM
Granted.

Your head explodes, taking with it your headache. (And everything else, but hey, the headache is gone.)




I wish the cat would sleep somewhere other than draped across my wrist.

druid12000
05-04-2015, 10:09 PM
Granted. The cat now sleeps on your head and as that is it's current favorite pastime, you now have toupee whether you want it, or need it.

I wish all of the women who walk by my house would fall instantly in love with me.

slcboston
05-04-2015, 10:17 PM
Granted.

How quickly can you file a temporary restraining order? You're going to need to find out.




I wish there was an easier way to report my final grades.

Nymtoc
05-04-2015, 10:26 PM
Granted. Here is a pair of dice.

I wish I had a Tesla.

slcboston
05-04-2015, 10:36 PM
Granted.

What you plan on doing with the dead body of a genius is your business. Entirely.




I wish I knew where my get up and go got up and went.

druid12000
05-06-2015, 12:56 AM
Granted. It's retired to Sedona, Arizona where it annoys the other retirees with story after story after story...

I wish I knew how to make a hairpin turn.

slcboston
05-06-2015, 12:58 AM
Granted.

First, you find a hairpin. Then you take it in your fingers... and turn it. Simple.




I wish I had more alcohol.

Nymtoc
05-06-2015, 01:08 AM
Granted. A 10-gallon drum of methyl alcohol has been sent to your door. I have no idea what you're going to do with it.

I wish Microsoft would stop changing the way things work every five minutes.

slcboston
05-06-2015, 01:19 AM
Granted.

Now it's only every ten minutes. But they will charge you for it.


I wish I had a use for a (now) empty 10 gallon drum.

druid12000
05-06-2015, 02:20 AM
Granted. The spa your avatar has always wanted awaits...there seems to be some residual alcohol and your avatar is getting worked up...good lord it's got a microphone and it's starting to sing... GOD NO COREY HART!@!!!

I wish I just had a bigger hammer.

NathanBrazil
05-06-2015, 02:29 AM
The Djinn is most displeased with the unusual formatting of your wish. Your question has been booted to the BS your way through thread. Your eyeballs have found a new home - preferably someone who will be much more prudent in their use.

I wish for Therapy Gum - after chewing for three minutes, you experience the draining emotional catharsis of a gnarly two hour session.

slcboston
05-06-2015, 02:38 AM
Granted.

It costs $200 a stick.




I wish ... I wish... I wish the goblins would come and take you away. Right now.

NathanBrazil
05-06-2015, 02:40 AM
Granted. No, wait-

slcboston
05-06-2015, 02:43 AM
Excellent.

I shall go again, then:



I wish I had a longer vacation.

druid12000
05-06-2015, 02:57 AM
<CLANK> grummmblllmmb. Huuumphaaahhh.
There we go, just give it a kick and it comes to life.
Looks like someone was spirited away, oh no, HEY, Yeah you!, Something happened to the last Genie.

Granted. It's permanent. Enjoy the view

I wish someone would have warned me about all the disappearances around here.

slcboston
05-06-2015, 03:04 AM
Granted.

You grant me a longer vacation.

Wasn't so hard now, was it?




I wish I knew whether it would be worth the money.

druid12000
05-06-2015, 03:57 AM
Granted. Genie takes you on a whirlwind tour of the hamster farming industry and gives you two thumbs up. Oh, (shuffles papers) you're a writer. Genie looks off into the distance looking solemn, the red sun peeking over the horizon. Perhaps.

I wish I had one phrase that would make anybody do exactly what I want them to do.

slcboston
05-06-2015, 04:02 AM
Granted.

Use it wisely.




I wish the neighbors would let their dog in.

druid12000
05-06-2015, 04:31 AM
Granted. They let the dog in and it mauls their child...<use it wisely>...is this a one time use...
They let the dog in and they and you live happily ever after.
Until it bites the mailman...<use it wisely>...Aw @%#.

I wish I could be Barney Rubble for a day.

slcboston
05-06-2015, 05:59 AM
Granted.

You're now a big purple plushy dinosaur.

Wrong Barney?




I wish this cough would go away.

jaus tail
05-06-2015, 07:29 AM
Granted. You're super healthy and never fall ill.

I wish someone would please send my lost/stolen wallet to my house by today evening. Please do it. I really need the documents that were in the laptop. I'll even pay the guy 500 rupees, but please at least post the documents to the address mentioned in the document.

slcboston
05-06-2015, 06:19 PM
Granted.

Ouch, yeah, just granted.



I wish, not for the first time, that I had a bathroom upstairs.

Nymtoc
05-06-2015, 06:34 PM
Granted. Upstairs, the Genie has installed a chamber pot that is an exact copy of one used by King George III. It is of the finest porcelain, with rosebud designs.

I wish someone would do my laundry, for free.

slcboston
05-06-2015, 07:12 PM
Granted.

Everything is shrunk to the size of a doll's outfit, but it's all clean.




I really, really wish there were better jobs available.

Nymtoc
05-06-2015, 07:35 PM
Granted. There are several openings for stuntmen in Hollywood right now. One involves walking through a raging hotel fire for ten minutes. Another requires you to jump from a 50-story building into a bucket. Still another will have you fighting three lions, two tigers and a rhinoceros at the same time. The pay is good. The Genie will be happy to send your application to the studios whenever you want.

I wish I could have a great time this Saturday night.

slcboston
05-06-2015, 07:40 PM
Granted.

You have a really, really great time. Life-changing, once in a lifetime experience. Sadly, you also have too much to drink, black out, and remember none of it the next morning. Pictures will be in the tabloids, though.



I wish I had a safari outfit if I'm going to be dealing with lions and tigers and rhinos, oh my!

Nymtoc
05-06-2015, 10:19 PM
Granted. It is based on a design by Donatella Versace, with zebra stripes for a jaunty look. Good luck!

I wish I had a better morning routine.

slcboston
05-06-2015, 10:49 PM
Granted.

Your day starts at 5:00 AM. At 5:05 AM you have morning calisthentics. At 5:30 AM you shower. 5:45 AM is breakfast, and your first cup of coffee. At 6 AM... well, at this point you're on your own. I've got enough things to schedule.



I wish the goblins would bring back Nathan.

:D

NathanBrazil
05-07-2015, 02:22 AM
-a second. (http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/showpost.php?p=9411659&postcount=15148)

You banish me and expect to remain unscathed. It's the 39th circle of Hell for you. Skin peeling is the least of your worries. (Stealing a quote from Constantine.) Sonny, I've got a whole theme park full of red delights for you.

I wish I could experience time the way that Observers (http://fringe.wikia.com/wiki/Observers) do.

slcboston
05-07-2015, 05:42 AM
Granted.

You're bald. Perfectly bald. ...and that's all I can do for you. I'm still making my way through the first season in Netflix. You're on your own from here.


I wish I knew if this was allergies or a cold.

NathanBrazil
05-07-2015, 06:15 AM
Shakes Genie in a Beer . . . what the? That's a ripoff.

The Djinn is seething with disappointment and gives you a colon allergy.

I wish the grass would water itself by stealing water from the neighbor's pipes.

slcboston
05-07-2015, 06:18 AM
Granted.

It also fertilizes itself, because those were outflow pipes, not intake. Your gardne is downwind, right?


I wish I had that bottle of beer.

jaus tail
05-07-2015, 08:02 AM
Granted. But wait, oh, sir please don't drink it....oh well now that you have drunk it I must be honest and say, 'your dog had drunk the beer and peed in it.' anyways, hope you have a nice day.

I wish I were in some remote island, swimming and fishing all day. I'd have a really cool body, and also I want my laptop with infinite internet connection and infinite battery power. Also I want an electric razor with infinite power.

Nymtoc
05-07-2015, 10:15 AM
Granted. But the razor shorts out while you are swimming and you are electrocuted.

I wish I owned a football team.

jaus tail
05-08-2015, 03:43 PM
Denied. Genie doesn't want to stress you with the hectic lifestyle that comes with owning a football team. Chasing the players, convincing them to join your team, finding sponsors, searching for ways to deduct tax.

Instead you're the captain of the local football team. You don't own anyone, but your effort in practice, dedication towards the sport and empathy for the juniors inspire everyone to be like you.

I wish for a nice weekend.

slcboston
05-12-2015, 06:41 PM
Granted.

At least it was nice here, anyway.




I wish I had a job. And a voodoo doll for my now ex-boss. (Gah, I sound like Jaus! :D)

NathanBrazil
05-14-2015, 03:01 AM
Granted. But we sent one to your ex-boss as well. Should be fun.

I wish I could train my dogs to whisper things like "Satan is your friend" whenever the holy rollers stop by.

Nymtoc
05-14-2015, 03:23 AM
Granted. But the holy rollers mishear the whisper as "Say, can I be your friend?" and they smilingly come through your door, sit down on your sofa and launch into an interminable sermon.

I wish I could dig up a dinosaur.

jaus tail
05-14-2015, 07:15 AM
Granted. But the dinosaur is really mad at you for waking him up. I'd start running if I were you.

I wish I were a merman, living in the sea with my other aquatic friends.

onestepp
05-16-2015, 08:39 AM
Granted you are a merman living in the sea with other aquatic friends, but the sea is treacherous and almost unbearable to live in with many other aquatic monsters about.


I wish I lived in the Princeton Library

jaus tail
05-16-2015, 02:41 PM
Granted. You live in Princeton Library. You read books all the time. I mean literally all the time.

I wish an array of flowers would grow in my pot.

NathanBrazil
05-16-2015, 08:16 PM
Granted. You have a nice array of Buzz's zombie plants (http://absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?280661-Substrates-(-3000w)). A couple of your house pets are acting a might bit twitchy.

I wish all the insects surrounding my house could be transformed into labor drones. They can be tasked with all the house chore drudgery that a drone needs.

Nymtoc
05-16-2015, 08:46 PM
Granted. But your labor drones must be fed. To begin with, you should set aside at least $1,000 for weekly nutrition, but it is possible (even predictable) that the amount will increase as time goes by.

I wish neighborhood groups would stop holding their deafeningly loud festivals/demonstrations/celebrations directly outside my windows.

jaus tail
05-17-2015, 08:26 AM
I wish neighborhood groups would stop holding their deafeningly loud festivals/demonstrations/celebrations directly outside my windows.

Granted. I understand how troubling that can be. Just granted.

I wish I would be clear about pursuing higher studies.

CDSinex
05-17-2015, 08:16 PM
Granted. I understand how troubling that can be. Just granted.

I wish I would be clear about pursuing higher studies.

Granted: You enroll in the University of Oregon, and spend the next four to six years high on, newly legalized, weed.

I wish I could remember where I put my lighter.

Nymtoc
05-17-2015, 08:20 PM
Granted. Do you see that smoke coming from your bedroom? Get out fast and call the fire department.

I wish I knew a restaurant that made really good hamburgers (not those prefabricated fakes from McDonald's etc.)

jaus tail
05-24-2015, 09:38 PM
Granted. And since you're so much in love with hamburgers you own this restaurant. You've got fats and saturated oils flowing in your veins.

I wish I were a sparrow living in a colony of sparrows with lots of nice sparrows and we'd all explore the world.

Reziac
05-24-2015, 09:42 PM
Granted. But the world is full of sparrowhawks... uh-oh.

I wish jaus tail could fly like a bird.

Nymtoc
05-26-2015, 04:54 AM
Granted. Jaus can fly like a bird, and he loves to fly over your house, especially when you are outside and unaware that he--uh-oh! (You should have worn a hat.)

I wish I could invent a series character and be as successful as J.K. Rowling.

Reziac
05-26-2015, 05:56 PM
Granted. But little did you know said character was jaus tail in real life, who sues you for all the royalties.

I wish these woods weren't full of ticks.

jaus tail
05-26-2015, 07:00 PM
Granted. They're full of centipedes now.:evil

I wish to go for a foreign trip all by myself.

NathanBrazil
06-02-2015, 08:37 PM
Granted. Since you didn’t specify the place, the genie is spinning the random location wheel and you get . . . Ceti Alpha V. Nice. You’ll need to wear these earwigs rings – the native customs are a bit odd.

I wish I could re-engineer my dogs so that they could lay eggs, steak and pizza – should help cut the cost of my grocery bill.

jaus tail
06-04-2015, 07:38 PM
Granted. But for the output to be so delicious, the input has to be expensive. Your dog now eats pregnant eggs for breakfast, cows for lunch and for pizza he just eats bread and sleeps in the oven.

I wish I were a fire fighter. That way I could drive the truck throughout the city at full speed and launch a stream of water at whoever I want to.

Reziac
06-04-2015, 08:42 PM
Congrats, you are now a sea dragon. You spit huge streams of ice-cold salt water. Genie had trouble fitting the wheels, tho, so you're limited to offshore work. Maybe someone will build a city under the ocean, and then....

I wish there were cities under the ocean for the sea dragons.

jaus tail
06-05-2015, 07:57 AM
Granted. Huge wave coming your way.

I wish I were a surfer.

Komnena
06-19-2015, 04:04 PM
Granted. You now spend every waking moment surfing the web. Alas,no exercise makes you fat and you are now limited to webfriends.
I wish I could see Man o'War/

CDSinex
06-22-2015, 11:03 PM
I wish I could see Man o'War/

Granted: You decide to spend a pleasant day at the seashore. Three minutes after entering the water you are attacked by a flutter of Portuguese men o' war.

I wish I could spend a week in the mountains.

Nymtoc
06-22-2015, 11:24 PM
I wish I could spend a week in the mountains.

Granted. You are on the summit of Annapurna, in Nepal, at 26,000 feet above sea level. You will spend the next week in a stunning, snow-covered landscape. Too bad you're wearing shorts and flip-flops, but the Genie can't think of everything.

I wish I had an endless supply of potato chips.

CDSinex
06-25-2015, 07:37 AM
Granted. You are on the summit of Annapurna, in Nepal, at 26,000 feet above sea level. You will spend the next week in a stunning, snow-covered landscape. Too bad you're wearing shorts and flip-flops, but the Genie can't think of everything.

I wish I had an endless supply of potato chips.

Granted: Everything you eat is pooped out in the form of potato chips. You report that each chip is crisp, albeit somewhat malodorous.

I wish it wasn’t going to be so hot for the next week.

jaus tail
06-25-2015, 09:25 AM
Granted. Here's a remote to turn off the Sun whenever you want.

I wish polar bears would learn to live in areas other than snowy mountains.

Nymtoc
06-25-2015, 09:38 AM
I wish polar bears would learn to live in areas other than snowy mountains.

Granted. Five of them have taken up residence in your house.

I wish I had a bottle of Chateau Mouton-Rothschild, 1945.

jaus tail
06-26-2015, 09:50 PM
Granted. You're given a bottle of CMR and are sent to 1945. But there's a world war going in the background. Chances are there'll be noise of bombs exploding in your backyard, planes flying overhead. Take care. I'm afraid it's not going to be a peaceful drinking session this evening.

I wish my loose teeth would tighten up.

dobiwon
07-02-2015, 08:43 PM
Granted, but what they tightened up was a loose lug nut on your neighbor's mud buggy, and now your gums are all infected.

I wish I were immune to infection.

PoeticRendezvous
07-04-2015, 06:09 PM
Granted- but you will have to live in Mars for the rest of your life.

I wish I could be on the set of 'Game of Thrones'.

Reziac
07-04-2015, 06:26 PM
Granted. You are now a length of gaffer's tape.

I wish I had something more interesting for breakfast. That's not still alive.

jaus tail
07-04-2015, 08:24 PM
Granted. Here's an omlette. To make it interesting there's a joke attached to the bill.

I wish I were funny.

slcboston
07-06-2015, 08:13 PM
Granted.

Just remember, looks aren't everything. Nor is how you smell.




I wish I had a job. ANY job. Seriously.

Nymtoc
07-06-2015, 08:27 PM
Granted.

I wish I had a job. ANY job. Seriously.

Granted. You have been hired to maintain Donald Trump's hair. (It is a 24-hour job.)

I wish my cable TV provider didn't keep raising my rates.

slcboston
07-06-2015, 08:41 PM
You know what, right now I'd take it. :D

I'd grant your wish in return, but there are some things even giant cosmic powers are helpless to change.




I wish we all had jobs. (Because all of the currently unemployed are getting in MY way of finding employment. It's entirely selfish on my part.)

ErezMA
07-06-2015, 08:56 PM
Granted. We're all arrested for being hired to kill someone important.

I wish my wishes didn't come with all these negative side-effects.

Reziac
07-06-2015, 09:47 PM
Granted. Say goodbye to the old and well-known negative side-effects. Your wishes now come with completely different and entirely unfamiliar but still-negative side effects.


I wish my wishes actually came true.

ErezMA
07-06-2015, 10:07 PM
Granted! But they are paradoxical, so they don't at the same time.

I wish that Trix were for more than just kids...

slcboston
07-06-2015, 10:54 PM
Granted.

Though you are quickly arrested for attempting to sell controlled substances to wildlife.



I wish I could find ways to do more.

ErezMA
07-06-2015, 11:04 PM
Granted, but the way to do more is to do less.

I wish the police give you a day's notice before they plan on arresting you. That way, we'll have time to leave town.

slcboston
07-06-2015, 11:21 PM
Granted.

The police will give you a full day's head start. It began 23 hours ago. Give or take.


I wish my cat could tell time.

ErezMA
07-06-2015, 11:26 PM
Granted. Your car can still only speak cat.

I wish I knew if my dog wanted to stay inside or outside, rather than the infernal ambiguity..

slcboston
07-07-2015, 12:34 AM
Granted.

A little known fact? It was originally going to be Schrodinger's Dog - neither in, nor out - until he decided a cat in a box was less frustrating to deal with. Ergo, the ambiguity is the answer.



I wish for the sausage to be thawed when I go downstairs. I'm getting hungry.

Nymtoc
07-07-2015, 01:16 AM
Granted.

I wish for the sausage to be thawed when I go downstairs. I'm getting hungry.

Granted. The sausage has been thawed for some time--several months, in fact. What is that crawly green stuff? Bacteria? Fungus? Oh, well...

I wish I had more get-up-and-go.

Komnena
07-10-2015, 06:47 AM
Granted. You have so much get up and go that you can't sit still. You cannot sleep.
I wish I had a Breyer model of every Triple Crown winner.

PoeticRendezvous
07-15-2015, 05:09 AM
Granted, but they ran away to greener pastures.

I wish I was 30 pounds lighter....

ErezMA
07-15-2015, 05:16 AM
Granted. It was 30 pounds in organs. You don't have that much time left.

I wish to have all seven dragonballs.

jaus tail
07-15-2015, 09:12 AM
granted but you dont know the password and freiza is flying towards you.

i wish i were as strong as zarbon.

ErezMA
07-15-2015, 09:38 AM
Wish granted. Frieza is flying towards you.

ErezMA
07-15-2015, 09:40 AM
Oh and I wish that those darned kids would get off the sidewalk!

CDSinex
07-17-2015, 12:41 AM
Granted: Now all of those darned kids are playing in your living room.

I wish it would snow on Saturday instead of the the forecasted 99°.

Nymtoc
07-17-2015, 12:46 AM
Granted:
I wish it would snow on Saturday instead of the the forecasted 99°.

Granted. It will snow on Saturday on Pluto--well, something that passes for snow. It's hard to tell the exact composition from this distance.

I wish I were a better poker player.

ErezMA
07-17-2015, 01:28 AM
Granted: Now you have such a poker face that Lady Gaga won't leave you alone.

I wish that airplanes in the night sky were like shooting stars.

jaus tail
07-18-2015, 04:55 PM
Granted. All the air conditioners in the air plane have been deactivated. It's burning hot inside. Good luck flying next time. It's gonna be really sweaty, stinky and sticky.

I wish someone would shave my face for me. It's so tiring to apply gel and lift the razor. Being a man is so difficult.

Reziac
07-18-2015, 06:08 PM
Granted. You are now a woman. No more shaving your face! As to your underarms, legs, etc.....

I wish everything worked as well as the package claims it will.

ErezMA
07-18-2015, 09:29 PM
Granted. The package is really doing what it said it will.

I wish the remote wasn't always just out of reach.

CDSinex
07-19-2015, 12:03 AM
Granted: It is now an integral part of your right hand, having replaced four of your fingers.

I wish the dog would learn to fetch beer from the fridge.

ErezMA
07-19-2015, 03:45 AM
Granted: It is now an integral part of your right hand, having replaced four of your fingers.

I wish the dog would learn to fetch beer from the fridge.

Granted. Your dog now has an alcohol problem.

slcboston
07-20-2015, 06:19 AM
Um...

Hmmm....

There's nothing you wish to wish for? Nothing at all?? Either you are supremely content, in a manner which most zen masters would be envious of, or you're hiding something.



I wish I knew what Erez is hiding.

jaus tail
07-20-2015, 08:53 AM
Granted. He's hiding a burp. But since now you've asked me to release it, all the sound and smell is received by you.

I wish it would rain lemonade instead of water.

Nymtoc
07-20-2015, 03:23 PM
I wish it would rain lemonade instead of water.

Granted. But the citric acid in the lemonade stings your eyes, you can't see, and you stumble into a hornet's nest.

I wish I had a dog that could talk.

natea
07-20-2015, 04:15 PM
Granted. But the citric acid in the lemonade stings your eyes, you can't see, and you stumble into a hornet's nest.

I wish I had a dog that could talk.

Granted: But your dog has the mindset of a curious child and likes to ask you many, many times a day, whatcha doin? why?


I wish I could stop biting my nails.

jaus tail
07-20-2015, 04:19 PM
Granted. The OCD of biting nails is replaced with the OCD of checking whether the lights are switched off. Good luck trying to sleep.

I wish to move in a new city.

natea
07-20-2015, 04:28 PM
Granted. The OCD of biting nails is replaced with the OCD of checking whether the lights are switched off. Good luck trying to sleep.

I wish to move in a new city.

Granted: Welcome to Yakutsk, Russia, the coldest city in the world.

I wish I was debt free.

ErezMA
07-21-2015, 05:42 AM
Wish granted. You have no debt, but no money in your account. Also, the credit cards closed their accounts because you refuse to use them.

I wish I knew why I hid my burp.

slcboston
07-21-2015, 05:45 AM
Granted.

Some things you're just better off not knowing. Also, you should get that checked out.



I wish I didn't have to buy pants.

ErezMA
07-21-2015, 06:36 AM
Granted. Welcome to skirts. BTW, the world now has a never ending breeze.
It's a tornado.
You're going to die.

I wish that I was a tornado.

slcboston
07-21-2015, 06:56 AM
Granted.

Though why you want up my skirt is beyond me. Also, obligatory:

http://i617.photobucket.com/albums/tt254/slcbostonPB/demotivational-posters-its-not-a-skirt.jpg (http://s617.photobucket.com/user/slcbostonPB/media/demotivational-posters-its-not-a-skirt.jpg.html)


I wish I was in Scotland. http://i617.photobucket.com/albums/tt254/slcbostonPB/Smilies/Scotland.gif (http://s617.photobucket.com/user/slcbostonPB/media/Smilies/Scotland.gif.html)

Nymtoc
07-21-2015, 09:42 AM
Granted. You visit Loch Ness and decide to take a swim. Unfortunately, a monster rises from the deep, and...well...it's the first time it has been known to eat anyone. But hey, it's proof that Nessie exists!

I wish a Hollywood agent would call me and--sight unseen--offer me a million-dollar contract.

jaus tail
07-21-2015, 03:45 PM
Denied. But here's a free subscription to youtube motivation videos. Stay charged, stay focused, and with hard work, persistence, and patience one day you'll earn a billion-dollar contract.

I wish to eat a turkey sandwich with lots of veggies but no cheese.

ErezMA
07-22-2015, 12:38 AM
Granted. Your bones suffer as a result of a lack of calcium.

I wish there was world peace.

jaus tail
07-22-2015, 08:20 AM
Granted. Today while you're doing nothing in your house, you'll receive a parcel by acme. Make sure to tip the postman.

Place the box outside your house and press the blue button on the side. Don't press the red button. That will explode your boss' car.

Step away from the box and after ten seconds the box will transform to a space ship. Since we're in austerity drive, only the top half of the ship has been painted. It also looks like a skirt.

Step in the ship. The ship's set in auto pilot mode and the destination has been programmed. Let the door close, you'll feel like you're sitting on a washing machine as the ship launches.

Your house may be destroyed during launch, but who cares, it's not like you're returning.

An hour later open your eyes to Pluto. It's a world with no living person except you and amoebae. They're friendly and you now live in a world where there's peace.

I wish to have a sandwich for lunch.

slcboston
07-24-2015, 06:51 AM
Granted.

It's a lousy conversationalist, though.




I wish I knew whether I had the job (such as it is).

Nymtoc
07-24-2015, 10:44 PM
Granted. You will know whether you have the job--either today, tomorrow, next week, next month, next year, sometime during the next decade, or at least by 2053.

I wish I could snap my fingers and be anywhere in the world instantaneously.

Reziac
07-24-2015, 11:11 PM
Granted. Tho you arrive as your individual unconnected molecules, but you enjoy puzzles, right?

I wish I had an unlimited supply of pretty landscape puzzles.

ErezMA
07-25-2015, 12:05 AM
Granted. There's too much of them. You bit off more than you could chew.

I wish that I wasn't late for work today.

CDSinex
07-25-2015, 02:05 AM
Granted: Before you got to your office you were fired for habitual lateness, so technically you weren't late because you no longer work there.

I wish the promised rain would start soon.

Nymtoc
07-25-2015, 03:05 AM
Granted. "Soon," in geological time, may be any time within the next million years.

I wish I had a self-driving car.

ErezMA
07-25-2015, 04:16 AM
Granted: Your self-driving car was suicidal and drove off the bridge.

I wish the guy at Burger King would stop spitting in my burgers.

slcboston
07-25-2015, 07:04 AM
Granted.

He's now opting for other fluids. Don't ask.





I wish my sofa had arrived today.

Nymtoc
07-25-2015, 09:02 AM
Granted. It arrived in 27 pieces. (The van driver had a little mishap on the way.)

I wish my air conditioner would stop malfunctioning.