View Full Version : Your wish is granted...

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Hannah M
09-17-2014, 10:01 PM
Granted. You spend one and a half lifetimes on each wish, deliberating on the pros and cons of choosing it. Unfortunately, you do not live long enough to actually make a wish.

This was for jt, I guess I spent too long thinking about my wish! :)

BOS: Granted. You go home. Then your student turns up, you weren't there, you get fired.

I wish I could control my bratty Yr 7 class.

jaus tail
09-17-2014, 10:06 PM
Denied. The students aren't bratty. It's your perception that they are bratty. I'm sure if you give them a chance they'll welcome you with open arms and curving smiles. Why not start by allowing them the freedom to make noise and promising them that you will be generous while correcting their papers. I'm sure if you also give them some cakes and orange juice early morning, they'd be more than happy to be less bratty.

If nothing works, bring a giant anaconda to class. That's what my teacher use to do. If anyone would make noise, she'd open the cage and the conda would swallow the student alive.

I wish I were a giant anaconda.

Hannah M
09-17-2014, 10:10 PM
I'm sure if you also give them some cakes and orange juice early morning, they'd be more than happy to be less bratty.

I gave them sweets! And they were still bratty!

Granted. Step inside this cage, please, we're going on a little journey. You do like little kids, right? They taste gooooood!

I wish I was a beetle.

09-17-2014, 10:15 PM

You are now a VW Beetle. You have a color preference?

I wish I could trade students with Hannah. Hers sound better.

jaus tail
09-17-2014, 10:19 PM
Granted. I read somewhere that humans like bad people, that bad is the new good. So yeah, her's are better in that sense.

I wish I were a teacher.

09-17-2014, 11:04 PM
You have to know something first

I wish I had a large green feather

09-17-2014, 11:49 PM
Granted. You have a large green feather-- What are you sticking it THERE for??! :eek:

I wish I had a bigger junk trailer. This one is full.

09-17-2014, 11:54 PM
Granted. Bigger trailer, more junk, and you still can't find anything. ;)

I wish I had a cactus garden.

jaus tail
09-18-2014, 12:37 PM
Granted on conditio that you make my English teacher sit on it.

I wish zebras would fight the lions and realize that they outnumber the cats.

09-29-2014, 03:34 AM
Granted. Just check it's well programmed with the 3 laws and all the extras lest it happens to weed you out of your home should it malfunction.

I wish I had a robot to do ALL house chores for me.

jaus tail
09-30-2014, 10:39 AM
Granted. You were a pornstar and your chores included working with super models. It's the robot who does it all now.

I wish my plants would heal by themselves.

10-01-2014, 07:15 PM
Granted. They can bring themselves back to health through faith healing, but you must spend many hours with them giving them your blessings.

I wish the drought in California would end.

10-01-2014, 07:32 PM
Granted. San Francisco and Los Angeles both fall into the ocean, and now there's plenty of water for everyone.

I wish this damned never-ending monsoon we're having would go rain on California instead.

jaus tail
10-01-2014, 09:08 PM
Denied. Change your attitude. The heavy rains are so much fun. Think of the things you can do in the heavy rains.

I wish it would rain so heavy that water would fill the streets, rise to the height of sky scrapers. Sharks and whales would be swimming inside. I would be standing on the terrace with a shot gun in my hand and taking aim of the unfortunate fishes.

M.S. Wiggins
10-02-2014, 01:12 AM
Denied. You weren't honest about where you'd aim that shotgun.

I wish for a Golden Goose.

10-02-2014, 01:40 AM
Granted. The Genie is sending you a goose from Golden, Colorado. It is a female and appears to be about two years old. Note that geese return to the area of their birth to mate and nest between March and May of each year, so you'll probably have her for about six months.

I wish I had a pair of binoculars strong enough to let me find life on Mars.

Jack McManus
10-02-2014, 11:41 PM

You now occupy an outpost on Mars. If any life wanders by your station, use the binoculars. They're on the table by the window.

I wish for an Alaskan Cruise vacation.

10-03-2014, 08:41 AM
Granted. You've been transported back in time and are now menial crew aboard the Exxon Valdez.

I wish oil would never spill.

jaus tail
10-03-2014, 02:01 PM
Denied. Unless it spills, how will it learn how to flow. We all must fall so we could learn to get up and fight.

I wish a publisher would call me today, saying they liked my query letter and are willing to publish my book by the year end, for money that's twice my last job's annual pay.

10-06-2014, 06:02 AM
Granted. However, your last job was an unpaid internship.

I wish all bedbugs everywhere would drop dead.

10-07-2014, 05:58 AM
Granted. However, bedbugs are part of the ecology and are normally eaten by house centipedes, and house centipedes are a vital constituent of the diet of various other insects, and those in tern are eaten by many birds and reptiles, and so on up the food chain, and soon all animals on earth will die, and the planet will become sterile, all because of your silly wish. :evil

I wish I had 3D-TV.

10-07-2014, 06:58 AM
Granted. The TV itself is three-dimensional, but the images on the screen are not.

I wish this house would clean itself.

10-07-2014, 09:02 AM
Granted. Your house now licks all its body parts, just like a cat cleaning itself. You might want to get a bigger litter box.

I wish I had more grey t-shirts.

10-07-2014, 09:16 AM
Granted. All of your t-shirts are grey. In fact, everything you own is grey. You are now completely colour blind.

I wish sugar wasn't so evil.

Jack Oskar Larm
10-07-2014, 09:38 AM
Granted. Sugar, your naughty sabre-toothed tiger, now likes to watch daytime TV and has little time for her neighbourhood patrols.

I wish I didn't procrastinate so much!

10-07-2014, 10:07 AM
Granted. You don't procrastinate at all, ever. Everything you have ever planned to do, you do it, immediately. Unfortunately you get stuck in a loop dusting the bookshelves because the dust keeps coming back.

I wish there was no such thing as tooth decay.

Jack Oskar Larm
10-07-2014, 10:23 AM
Granted, because it evolves into tooth supernova, which has a 99.99 percent chance of wiping out everything and everyone within a 500 metre radius.

I wish more people would stand up for justice.

10-07-2014, 10:47 AM
Granted. More people stand up for justice, but soon their legs get tired.

I wish my skin wasn't so dry.

10-07-2014, 05:37 PM
Granted. You are now a fish. Or possibly an amphibian. You get to choose!

I wish all my choices would turn out well.

10-07-2014, 06:18 PM
(I'll choose amphibian, possibly newt.)

Granted. All of your choices lead you to water wells. At least you'll never go thirsty.

I wish English was written backwards, so that, as a left-handed person, I wouldn't smudge my writing.

10-07-2014, 06:54 PM
Genie was unable to change the minds of umpty-million English-writing people. However, Genie is able to transform you into a person who writes backwards, or perhaps sideways. Again, you have a choice! Do you wish to write in Hebrew, or Japanese?

I wish I could speak Latin as fluently as my high school Latin teacher.

10-07-2014, 08:38 PM
Granted. But when you end up in court because of a traffic ticket, you curse the judge in Latin. Seems he understands that language, and you are now cooling your heels in carcerem.

I wish I had a dozen classic cars.

jaus tail
10-07-2014, 09:33 PM
Granted. Now pay the parking price.

I wish I had a friend who was not a cat, a plant or a figment of my imagination.

M.S. Wiggins
10-07-2014, 09:37 PM
Granted. I'll be your friend, as long as you don't make it weird.

I wish (many) people weren't such users.

10-08-2014, 03:30 AM
Granted. Only a limited number of people are users, but they know your address, phone, email address, Facebook, Twitter account, bank accounts and credit card numbers, and they all focus on you like a laser.

I wish I had my own private spacecraft.

10-08-2014, 04:06 AM
Granted. You are now $1.7 billion in debt, with interest, but at least the neighbours are jealous.

I wish I could choose the weather.

10-08-2014, 05:36 AM
Granted but since your genie is from Kansas your choices are rather limited.
A. Heat and Drought.
B. Cold and Drought
C. Howling Norther
D. Golf Ball Sized Hail
and E. Tornado.
Or you could choose all of the above and experience them all in the same month.

I wish that I could go waltzing Matilda--s6

Jack Oskar Larm
10-08-2014, 07:06 AM
Granted, but you'll have to get in line as her dance card is thicker than the Melbourne phone book.

I wish aliens landed in my yard.

10-08-2014, 07:12 AM
Granted. They landed in your yard, took you aboard and took off again. You are now somewhere in the Large Magellanic Cloud, heading for the Cartwheel Galaxy. Sounds like fun, doesn't it?

I wish I could invent something.

10-08-2014, 07:33 AM
And I, your genie, have the perfect invention--tattoo whiteout! In seven different skin tones--just paint it on and any tattoo disappears over night! That girl you were dating last month? --Gone from your brawny breast. The table of Spanish verb conjugations that you needed for your last years final? Not a trace. Bleach Hello Kitty from your hiney, woody woodpecker from your...well, you get it. Now that I have given you the idea. allz you gotta do is whomp up a shipment and go online. --s6

I wish my students would stop getting stupid tattoos.

10-08-2014, 08:05 AM
Granted. Your kids do instead.

I wish this town had more opportunities.

Hannah M
10-08-2014, 02:13 PM
Granted. You now get to choose between being a street cleaner with a cleaning machine and a street cleaner with a broom. Of course, all the other opportunities your town offers, the ones with the 6-figure wage, were all taken by the time you out-slept your hangover.

I wish I was a beetle.

10-08-2014, 03:21 PM
Granted. You are a 1970 Volkswagen Beetle with a 1641 cc engine and about 10,000 miles. The Pros: You are in reasonably good condition. The cons: You are a dull gray, with scratches here and there.

I wish I could have breakfast in Sydney, lunch in Caracas, tea in New Delhi and dinner in Paris, all on the same day.

10-08-2014, 03:44 PM
Hmmmm--as genies go I am somewhat limited in my world scope but I think I can get you breakfast with Sydney MCAvoy. She has cheer practice at 7 so you will only have time for a poptart and egg special at Edna's diner. Same Location for a burrito lunch with Croc-ass Grumbein, don't let his smile put you off. Regardless of what the rumors say, he does not file his teeth. Tea will be a real treat with Dolly Fanshier, out on the Pear Road. Her walnut quick bread and pear butter are worth the twelve mile drive. Be sure to bring your bible. Dinner, of course will be with the Perez family. Grandma is staying with them while the Tio is in jail so you will need to bring your own chair and service. maybae a bottle of Pepto, too. Sandra likes to throw a couple three dozen chiles into her salsa. --s6

I wish I had a small Deere.

10-08-2014, 04:37 PM
Granted. The Genie is sure you will be pleased with this small Deere. It is so small, in fact, that you can put it in your pocket. It will hold a lot of keys!
http://s30.postimg.org/j1wa9pysh/DEERE_KEYCHAIN.jpg (http://postimage.org/)

I wish I had a thousand good plot ideas.

10-08-2014, 05:18 PM
Let's see... man vs. man; man vs. nature; nature vs. man freezing to death and trying to eat his dog; man vs big fish; man leaving society to live on small pond; man vs. society out to burn all the books in the world; man vs. Salem; apprentice silver smith vs. crucible; boy vs. ibis; man vs. yearling deer and that is only the Sophomore reading list!

I wish my class wasn't walking in!

10-08-2014, 05:28 PM
Granted/. They are running in/.
I wish my fingers weren't so clumsy this morning.

10-08-2014, 05:39 PM
Granted. This morning your fingers dance like the stars! But every other morning... watch out! Ooops. Hope that wasn't valuable.

I wish I was never clumsy.

jaus tail
10-08-2014, 08:12 PM

You are never clumsy. And if you promise to behave well I'll also give you a yarn of thread and a claw sharpener.

Now, Genie, I don't have many wishes, since I am of the belief that if you want anything, then you must work towards achieving it. How else would you explain the photos on the walls of my mansion in my island, that are a proof of the dinosaurs that I hunted? I always go after what I want and don't sleep until I get it.

But since you insist, my wish is the return of dinosaurs from wherever hole they're hiding in, so I could hunt them down again and have some fun:guns:

10-09-2014, 12:57 AM
Granted. In the spirit of fairness, the dinosaurs are also armed. http://www.doomgold.com/stuff/fighting0023.gif
It'll be interesting to see who takes home the trophies.

I wish that I'd win the lottery.

10-09-2014, 01:22 AM
Granted. You won the lottery at the Sunday afternoon neighborhood meet-up at the Community Center. Your prize: A box of chocolate-chip cookies.

I wish I could see myself as others see me.

10-09-2014, 07:14 AM
Granted. Your eyes now live outside your head, hovering just above the shoulders of those you meet, so you always have a good view of what you look like from others' perspectives.

I wish it wasn't always so windy at the archery range.

Jack Oskar Larm
10-09-2014, 07:57 AM
Granted, but to make up for the windless range, everywhere else you go is blowing a mighty gale, constantly.

I wish fear wasn't such an issue in people's lives.

10-09-2014, 08:18 AM
Granted, reluctantly, for this genie isn't all evil, and fear is what holds the leash on chaos.

I wish I knew how to sew clothes.

10-09-2014, 08:40 AM
Granted. You learned to sew clothes so well that you are now employed as a seamstress, working 12 hours a day at 25 an hour. Unfortunately, you have concentrated on sewing so much that you have forgotten all your other skills. But hey, it's an honorable occupation. ;)

I wish I could log on to ancestry.com and discover that I am a duke or a baronet or something, or at least that I'm descended from Richard III.

10-09-2014, 09:07 AM
Granted. You log on to ancestry.com and indeed discover that you are descended from Richard III. Unfortunately this does not grant you any titles, as your great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandfather was his bastard (one of many), and the son of a wench.

I wish I had more energy.

jaus tail
10-09-2014, 09:44 AM
Granted. Electricity is running through your veins, when you open your eyes, rays of light are radiated. Your eyes are like two lit headlights. And when you walk, tremors can be felt by the entire neighborhood.

I wish I had a cat.

10-11-2014, 11:43 AM
Granted. You now have a feral cat that has taken to your garden, along with its little brood of feral kittens, which are kind of cute, I guess, if it weren't for their bloated worm-ridden bellies and their insistence to poop in your veggie patch.

I wish my brother wasn't allergic to cats, so I could have one too.

10-12-2014, 10:04 PM
Granted. Your brother is no longer allergic to cats, but you are.

I wish I could discover an immense treasure buried in my back yard.

10-13-2014, 11:57 AM
Granted. While digging a hole for a new pool, you discover a very old but beautifully ornate wooden box. There is a word embossed on the top but it's so worn from its years in the earth you cannot read it. Unfortunately your wife is nagging you to finish the pool, so you put the box aside for the afternoon. When finished digging you go inside to look at the box, only to discover your kids got to it first; your daughter Angela is sitting by the box, white as a sheet, and your wife is in hysterics.

"What's wrong?" you ask apprehensively.

Your daughter cries, "Johnny got sucked into the game!"

"What game?"

You pick up the box, open it to reveal an elaborate board game, and read the inscription:

"Jumanji: A game for those who seek to find a way to leave their world behind..."

I wish I had *real* garden gnomes.

Hannah M
10-13-2014, 02:34 PM
Granted. You now have an army of indestructible but very destructive gnomes who wish to expand their territory. Unfortunately, your house is in the way. Or should I say, your house was in the way?

I wish I had a bar of chocolate that renewed itself every time I took a bite.

jaus tail
10-13-2014, 02:44 PM
Denied. It would be unfair to the bottom of the bar that would never get to enter your mouth, be chewed and witness the insides of your stomach. Genie can't be so cruel and withhold the journey of digestion from the bottom part of the bar.

I wish my orange plants would grow into trees overnight.

10-18-2014, 06:23 AM
Granted. Unfortunately there is a giant living in your magic plants who now terrorizes your neighborhood.
I wish I owned a huge house with a huge privacy fence.

10-18-2014, 06:54 AM
Genie struggled with the definition of "huge house" and "huge privacy fence" and finally decided you mean the Big House, with its twenty-foot high wall. To make up for this deficiency of understanding, Genie decides to give you a choice among prime locations: Joliet, Deer Lodge, or Folsom, all among the finest state prisons.

I wish I had a treehouse.

10-18-2014, 10:03 AM
Granted. After searching the world, the Genie has acquired an ideal treehouse for you. It is situated at the top of a coconut tree in Pago Pago. All you have to do is get there.

I wish I understood astrophysics.

Hannah M
10-19-2014, 06:53 PM
Granted. Genie attempts to implant the intricacies of the subject into your brain. Unfortunately, it exploded.

I wish I had written that test last night so I wouldn't have to do it now.

jaus tail
10-19-2014, 07:30 PM
Denied. Knowing what you did last night, Genie wouldn't want to replace it with test. You had fun last night, you needed that to create some memories.

I wish my orange plant would recover since I don't think it will survive the transportation to a bigger pot.

Hannah M
10-21-2014, 12:38 AM
Granted. It has recovered and gained its strength. It has decided to continue growing and is now too big for your bigger pot. Soon it will be too big for Planet Earth!

I wish I was an eel.

10-21-2014, 04:44 AM
Granted, you are an eel. Genie does not see the point in sabotaging this wish because, well, who would want to be an eel?

I wish my shoulders weren't so sore.

10-21-2014, 04:58 AM
After a long talk with your shoulders, they are calmer now.

I wish I knew how to make macaroni and cheese cookies

10-21-2014, 06:38 AM
Granted. You make pan after pan of them, till your kitchen is piled to the ceiling with macaroni and cheese cookies. You invite your neighbors over to enjoy them. One bite, and the neighbors turn green. They flee, and you try to figure out what to do with all those sick-making blobs of badly baked dough.

I wish I knew how to make a really good omelet.

10-21-2014, 06:58 AM
Granted. You are a sailor in the U.S. Navy, and your position is morning cook on an aircraft carrier. The official Navy cookbook contains recipes for omelets created by my friend Scratch. (True story.) They are so good that you're kept on as cook forever, and are never discharged nor promoted.

I wish I could sing "In the Navy" without looking like an idiot.

10-21-2014, 08:19 AM
Denied. Genie is not that powerful.

I wish eating healthily was easier.

jaus tail
10-22-2014, 07:20 PM
Denied. Eating unhealthy food is already healthy for the doctors as the illnesses one gets with unhealthy foods keeps the money rolling in the doctor's bank account.

I wish I could speak with the soul of my dead orange plant and ask it whether its angry with me.

Hannah M
10-26-2014, 05:49 PM
Granted. It is. Furious. Stay tuned for The Orange Plant's Killer Revenge!

I wish my story would have won that competition, the one where you win 1000 cash.

Jack McManus
10-28-2014, 08:09 PM
Granted, and congratulations! Your prize is waiting for you in Davy Jones' Locker.

I wish my protagonist would decide what happens next so I can write about it.

Hannah M
10-29-2014, 01:08 AM
Granted. It decides to remain in a state of indecision. Enjoy your writing!

I wish I could write a brilliant book in ten minutes.

10-29-2014, 01:25 AM
Granted. You write "Lightbulbs for Dummies". Ten minutes might have been overkill.

I wish for a lightbulb that never burns out.

10-29-2014, 02:03 AM
You have presented the Genie with an interesting challenge, but he has decided to grant your wish. First, you must be aware of the following:


Next, the Genie has arranged to transfer this bulb to you. It has lasted 110 years and is guaranteed to last another 110, which--though the Genie wishes you the very best of health--is longer than you will need, probably.



I wish my next book would be an international best-seller.

10-29-2014, 03:50 AM
Granted. Your book is a best-seller round the world! Unfortunately you were only the ghost-writer, so you get little of the money and none of the fame.

I wish I were a successful ghost writer. At least it's steady work.

Hannah M
10-29-2014, 05:52 AM
You will be a ghost writer. Simply chain yourself to the writing desk, stay there a while and eventually you will be a ghost who has naught to do but write. I wonder what genre you will pick...

I wish the ghosts in my room would stop tidying it up.

10-29-2014, 06:18 AM
Granted. The ghosts now set everything on fire instead.

10-29-2014, 08:15 AM
Granted! Easiest wish ever.... nothing at all!!

I wish everything was that easy.

10-29-2014, 08:49 AM
Denied. No explanation required.

I wish I had a moat.

jaus tail
10-29-2014, 06:54 PM
Granted only if you allow Genie and his cousins to bathe in it, and we've got seven feet long, curly strands of arm pit hair. Try to close your curtains.

I wish my shoulder's wound would heal quickly.

10-29-2014, 07:21 PM
Done. But now your other should has a wound.

I wish I could go back in time and make my first wish.

Jack McManus
10-29-2014, 10:25 PM
Granted, but the Paradox Protocol defaulted that first wish to transport you forward to the present again. You now bear a striking resemblance to Michael J. Fox.

I wish I bore a striking resemblance to someone rich and famous, so that I would get preferential treatment at social gatherings.

10-30-2014, 12:31 AM
Partly granted. Genie couldn't do much about the rich, but did manage the famous: You now greatly resemble Charles Manson.

I wish the wind would blow my troubles away.

10-30-2014, 08:23 AM
Oh dear. It's granted but that wind has picked up in rapid speed and is now a dangerous vortex, a troubled tornado, if you will. And now it's everyone's problem too.

I wish everything I touched turned to candy.

10-30-2014, 09:21 AM
Granted, and now you have the same problem as King Midas. Everything you touch turns to candy, including your dog, your cat, your toothbrush, your bed, your car, your fried eggs and your significant other. You live in a world of fudge and bonbons and cotton candy. Eat!

I wish I could read all the books in the library in one day.

10-30-2014, 09:45 AM
Granted. You can consume the entire contents of my neighbor's library in one day! It consists solely of One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish. Perhaps you meant a different library...

I wish I had a copy of every book in the Library of Congress.

Jack McManus
10-30-2014, 11:08 PM
Granted. The first shipments will appear on your lawn in a few minutes. Also, you didn't specify, so the Genie-on-duty translated all of the texts into his native Sanskrit. Enjoy!

I wish I could read Sanskrit.

Hannah M
10-31-2014, 05:39 AM
Granted. Unfortunately, due to a technological error and a slightly dyslexic genie, your wish was interpreted as 'I wish I could read tirksnaS'. You are now the sole speaker of tirksnaS and have somehow managed to forget all other languages. Good luck with your communication skills!

I wish my pupils would pass their exams with flying colours.

10-31-2014, 07:13 AM
Good news! You've just been to the ophthalmologist (Genie knows how to spell that!) for an exam, and your pupils did great! As to the rest of your eyes, tho...

I wish I had perfect vision.

10-31-2014, 04:22 PM
Granted. The Genie does not have a degree in ophthalmology, but he can provide you with a perfect vision of another kind. You will wake up in the middle of the night and see a vision of an angel drinking beer. You will report this to the media, and soon you will become famous and be hired by Coors to promote its products.

I wish my wallet was full of hundred-dollar bills.

Hannah M
10-31-2014, 05:12 PM
Granted. Unfortunately, you do not live in The Monopoly World so your money won't buy you very much. But when you can't afford the heating, you could always burn it for warmth!

I wish I would beat my brother at monopoly. (I'm sure he's cheating...)

11-01-2014, 05:29 PM
Unfortunately you did not capitalise the "M" in Monopoly, so you sabotaged your own wish. Genie grants you total domination of whichever market your brother has dreamed of a successful business in since he was a wee boy, which crushes his entrepreneurial spirit so he hates you for good.

I wish I could be calm whenever I choose.

11-01-2014, 07:31 PM
Granted. Here is a hammer. Bang it on your head, and you will be calm for three or four minutes, if not much longer.

I wish I could grow mushrooms on my window sill.

11-02-2014, 10:24 AM
Granted. Your house is now so rundown that moisture gets in and a suspicious black fungi grows on all the window sills, and walls, and behind your bed.

I wish I had worn appropriate shoes to the market today so I wouldn't have gotten a blister.

11-10-2014, 07:46 AM
Granted. You wear appropriate shoes for the market and do not get a blister. However, your shirt has offensive slogans that get you thrown out of the market.
I wish I had a good bedbug repellent.

11-10-2014, 08:19 AM


Use it cautiously.

I wish I didn't start things so late at night when I have to be up the next day.

11-10-2014, 03:29 PM
Granted. You start them really early in the morning (between midnight and sunrise) and don't sleep at all!

I wish I could fix my neck.

11-10-2014, 03:56 PM
Granted. Now your neck is fixed, forever in the present position.

I wish I was master of the universe!

11-10-2014, 05:41 PM
Granted. You are now this guy:


I wish I wasn't telling the truth when I say that I actually enjoyed Masters of the Universe.

11-11-2014, 03:32 AM
Denied. Your taste in entertainment is clear, and the Genie has no choice but to pity you.

I wish Bugs Bunny were a real character, so I could hang out with him and have some fun.

11-11-2014, 06:14 AM
Granted. All you can eat is carrots for the rest of your life.

I wish I didn't have insomnia.

11-11-2014, 07:07 AM

Now your neighbor with the bagpipes has it. I'm sorry but there's a law of conservation of sleep at work here, and I've only just now gotten a good night's sleep so.... Bagpipes. At 3 AM. But at least the insomnia isn't yours.

I wish I was a little more productive.

jaus tail
11-11-2014, 09:01 AM
Granted. :evilGenie claps his giant palms. Feathers grow over your body. Your toes combine to form talons. Your eyes move away from each other and are placed where your ears were earlies. Your frame is diminished as your shadow resembles that of a hen. You lay golden eggs for me.

You didn't say, what you wanted to produce. Produce more and more golden eggs, produce, produce, produce:Guitar:

I wish a new pair of shoes would appear under my bed when I return home.

11-11-2014, 09:27 AM
Granted. The Genie hopes they fit.

http://s28.postimg.org/h1l4w2j0t/WOMEN_S_PUMPS_PINK.jpg (http://postimage.org/)

I wish I could see my name in lights.

11-11-2014, 09:37 AM


I wish life was simpler.

jaus tail
11-11-2014, 11:13 AM
Granted. Now you live a simple life of living in the desert as compared to a challenging life of battling the storms of the seas.

I wish a stack of YA novels would appear in my bedroom, free of cost.

11-11-2014, 11:34 AM
Granted. You now own the entire series of The Baby-Sitters Club.

I wish gym memberships were cheaper.

11-11-2014, 01:54 PM
Granted. Welcome to the Great Outdoors Gym. We have a very large walking and running track. You have your pick of oceans to swim in, but watch out for sharks.

I wish I had a time machine.

11-12-2014, 12:58 AM

The Libyans shoot you before you can use it, though the neighborhood that, for some inexplicable reason, hangs out with you manages to use it. And royally screws up the timeline in the process. We here at the Time Police are still sorting the mess out.

I wish I had a Delorean. Just because.

11-12-2014, 04:42 AM
Granted. The Genie didn't realize you liked this band, but here it is:


I wish I had perfect pitch.

M.S. Wiggins
11-14-2014, 11:58 PM
Granted. Your roof slopes perfectly.

I wish I could spin straw into gold.

Hannah M
11-15-2014, 10:53 PM
Granted. You are now locked in a room by the wicked king and you have to spin straw into gold until the day you die. As payment, you will be buried in a golden casket. Gold-coated wood, that is.

I wish I could write my novel during class and still teach well.

11-16-2014, 04:27 PM
Granted. This class is verrrrry looooooong and you're arrested for holding your students hostage after class (and after Christmas, the new year, etc) so you could finish your novel, but at least you taught them patience? Either way you got published because agents liked the publicity.

I wish weddings were simple.

11-16-2014, 04:32 PM
Hannah--No sweat. You take a couple of personal days, call for a sub. Make sure you have decent lesson plans and convince your classes there will be hell to pay if they torment the sub. The big catch is actually forcing yourself to write and not spend the day watching old Ann Sothern movies. --s6

I wish I could beat my Ann Sothern addiction--s6

11-16-2014, 04:35 PM
Keiju--- Wish granted--It is now 1969 and you are getting married in a meadow (cow pasture). No minister, no cake, no expense, just a giant bong, matching bell bottoms and cows as the witnesses. Be sure to look up Rod McKuen when writing your vows--s6

PS I wish I could forget my Rod McKuen daze.

Hannah M
11-18-2014, 03:54 AM
Wish(es) granted :)
Ann Sothern, Rod McKuen... who are these people? They obviously can't be so amazing if I haven't heard of them. Once you are aware of that, your addictions and dazes are gone!

I wish Shakey6 would be my sub whilst I wrote my novel. If those Year 10's behave the way they did today... even the Year 12's were better!

11-18-2014, 07:15 AM

Now, we just need to get you some leather corsets and... and... oh. uh. You meant "sub" as in "substitute." I see.


This is actually kind of awkward, because the djinn went out and acquired a completely different set of accoutrements...

... Oh heck. You get them anyway. Should make your next class a lot more interesting.


I wish it would SNOW. (I want the day off tomorrow, damn it.)

11-18-2014, 07:48 AM
Granted. It is snowing now in Springstead, Wisconsin, and will probably keep snowing all day tomorrow. You're not there? Sorry about that.

I wish I had an endless supply of Kit Kat bars.

11-18-2014, 07:51 AM

You get the Japanese ones that a: come in odd flavors, like squid ink, and b: you have to bake yourself.

(Not making either of those up.)

Allow me to clarify: I wish it would snow HERE. Like "To Build a Fire" levels of snow.

11-18-2014, 03:38 PM
Granted. You get the snow you want, but unfortunately you're at work when it happens, and get snowed in over the weekend :(

I wish I had all the answers.

Hannah M
11-18-2014, 09:47 PM
Granted. But you don't have the questions anymore. Life is boring without them.

I wish the girl who's coming in ten minutes for a keyboard lesson would phone and cancel so I have some free time.

11-19-2014, 02:14 AM

A last minute beginning tuba lesson gets scheduled instead. You're good with that, right?

I wish it would snow like mad tonight. (Third time is the charm, right?)

Hannah M
11-19-2014, 09:31 PM
Granted. It snows like mad tonight. All over the world. Everyone is snowed in and unable to leave their houses for weeks.

It is the End of Human Existence.

The Polar Bear Age has begun.

I wish I was a polar bear.

11-19-2014, 10:47 PM
Granted. You will soon become extinct. :(

I wish I had electric eels to power everything in my house, because that would be environmentally friendly.

11-20-2014, 05:35 AM
Granted. Although environmentally friendly, PETA gets you on animal cruelty.

I wish I could eat as much sugar as I wanted without consequence.

jaus tail
11-20-2014, 07:53 AM
Granted. You eat all the sugar in the world but the other sugar consumers are angry and have started riots.The whole neighborhood is burning around you and eventually everyone dies except you but you have your sugar as your only friend.

I wish a woman would stand next to me in the train and make a move on me.

11-20-2014, 09:49 AM
Granted. Your grandmother... *ahem*

I wish I lived in a rainforest.

11-20-2014, 07:36 PM

Just ignore that venomous viper. And the spider the size of your face. And the jaguar stalking you. It'll be fine, promise.

Okay, seriously now, I want my @#$% snow day (he says in his best Samuel L Jackson voice). Buffalo is buried under the next snowpocalypse, and despite being just down the lake shore we've got only a couple of inches. STOP TEASING ME WITH ThE SNOW, WINTER WEATHER GODS!!!!!

11-21-2014, 06:57 AM
Denied. You didn't say the magic word.

I wish I didn't diagnose myself with a new illness every other day.

11-21-2014, 08:31 AM
Granted. You do it every day.

I wish slcboston would regain his sanity.

11-21-2014, 06:35 PM
There are some things even a genie can't do

I wish the glass was half full

11-22-2014, 08:22 AM
Granted. Every time you order a drink, the bartender only fills it half way. But you pay full price.

I wish you could get a guarantee that things would turn out okay.

Hannah M
11-23-2014, 01:06 AM
Granted. It costs a fortune and runs out after one week. But that was one blissful week...

I wish slc would turn into a snowman

11-23-2014, 06:50 AM
Granted, slc is a snowman, and melts come spring. That wasn't very nice.

I wish I actually had a real genie.

jaus tail
11-23-2014, 08:27 AM
Denied. That would put me out of job.

I wish I were more muscular.

Hannah M
11-23-2014, 05:50 PM
Denied, for compassionate reasons. Do you know how heavy muscles are? Your weak bones would collapse under their weight!

I wish all my characters would stop dying

11-23-2014, 07:00 PM
Granted. Your characters live forever. Because, like john Keats, Nathaniel West and Stephen Crane, you die young. Tragic, aint it?

I wish all the frozen planters on my deck would empty themselves and walk down stairs to the basement. --s6

11-24-2014, 04:24 AM
Granted: A massive earthquake hits, knocking the planters onto the frozen ground, and splitting them open. The force of the earthquake cracks open your basement wall allowing the planter shards to slowly vibrate through the now gaping hole.

I wish I could go ice fishing this winter.

11-24-2014, 04:38 AM
Nonsense .. You can't fish for ice. You have dig it out of the cold cold ground.

I wish I had just a little more sauce for this plate of spaghetti

Hannah M
11-24-2014, 01:02 PM
Granted. Here ya go, some nice red sauce for your-

oh. yes. Well, never mind, I'm sure what I gave you will taste just as good as red sauce. Now if you don't mind I need to replenish the vampire's lunch - just a little...

I wish I was a werewolf.

11-24-2014, 05:06 PM
I don't grant wishes containing 4 w's

I wish I would windward go

11-25-2014, 03:42 AM

Wait, this is some kind of fart joke, isn't it?


I wish I was more motivated to grade papers. But only slightly so. Don't want to overdo it.

11-25-2014, 04:33 AM
Granted. You grade the papers and it turns out the students all plagiarized. You have to write every single one of them up under the honor code / bring them before the senate.

I wish I were more graceful and steady on my feet. I'm tired of tripping over my own shoelaces.

11-25-2014, 04:42 AM

You're a cat. You don't wear shoes. ... Graceful and steady may or may not be part of that package.

I wish the weather would make up it's mind. Either it's winter, or it's not, but pick one.

11-25-2014, 05:03 AM
It will be winter from now on, thanks god old muttonchops

I wish we'd get at least two inches of snow less than predicted for Thanksgiving eve

11-25-2014, 05:57 AM
Granted. The temperature heats up temporarily and melts the snow, but then quickly drops and it freezes, until you're surrounded by so much ice it's too dangerous to leave the house, and you haven't got your turkey yet...

I wish I knew how to sew so I could make my own wedding dress exactly as I want it.

Hannah M
11-25-2014, 11:09 PM
Granted. You have the skills. It's a shame the only material you can get your hand on is lime green sackcloth. Enjoy the wedding!

I wish I could unlearn how to sew so I wouldn't be in charge of 'costumes' for our school's production.

11-26-2014, 12:06 AM

It's way too difficult to make someone unlearn something, so instead there will be an "industrial accident" that takes all of your fingers. Now no one will ask you to sew.

I wish I knew what to make for dinner.

11-29-2014, 08:16 AM
Left over turkey! 15 freezer bags of turkey, stuffing, succotash (LOTS of succotash), sweet potatoes and marshmallows, green bean casserole, mac and cheese--(yes, mac and cheese, what was I thinking?)--cranberry sauce and 21 potato rolls are on their way to your house by genie express!!!!!!

I wish I knew what to make for dinner now that the wretched leftovers are gone.

jaus tail
11-29-2014, 09:52 PM
Granted. For a change the other members of the house will cook food while you rest on the chair, pat the pet cat and watch them work. This way, they make food while you make yourself happy.

I wish I had an army tank to drive. That way, if there's too much traffic ahead, I could just press some button and boom, a missile would launch from that elongated, hollow nozzle and hit the target, exploding them into pieces, few would dare to count.

Hannah M
11-29-2014, 10:28 PM
Granted. You now have an excellent excuse for not going to work for the next twenty years. The prison guards won't let you out.

I wish my Nano novel would self-edit itself to perfection.

jaus tail
11-30-2014, 08:07 AM
Denied. Genie doesn't want any credit for the work you have done. Although, I can make the readers more tolerant and less intelligent for your unedited novel.

I wish all the diarrhea struck pigeons would fly over my colleague.

11-30-2014, 05:03 PM
Granted, but you're standing right beside your colleague when it happens, and, well, collateral...

I wish there was more raisin toast.

12-01-2014, 01:53 AM
Granted. Since we are probably the only two people in the world who like raisin toast I am not going to do anything wicked to your raisins. In fact I am blinking peanut butter and orange marmalade to go with your raisin toast.

Wish I could put raisins in my rice pudding but my whole family would rise up and smite me if I tried. --s6

12-01-2014, 02:03 AM
Granted. The Genie has arranged for the raisins in your rice pudding to taste like cranberries to your whole family. Still a problem? Sorry.

I wish I had a magic wishing ring. Then I wouldn't have to bother the Genie every time I want a wish granted.

12-01-2014, 02:22 AM
Well, as genies go I am a bit deaf. I will grant you your washing ring and that should help your shirt collars stay whiter but, really, washing your neck every coupla days would be a better way to eliminate those nasty rings.

I wish I could find the recipe for the peach bread pudding that I made last year. It has to be here somewhere. --s6

jaus tail
12-01-2014, 07:34 AM
Denied. Genie cannot torment the guests by letting them eat that food. Sorry, dear but Genie believes in democracy and in the benefit of the majority.

I wish I were a porn star with six pack abs, giant muscles and lean bawdy.

12-02-2014, 06:28 PM

You get your own "starring" role in a Japanese tentacle film. No worries, you don't get tentacles. Well, not of your own, anyway.

I wish I could stop trying to hack up a lung. I don't even smoke, for pity's sake.

12-02-2014, 06:32 PM
Granted. Just tie a cord firmly around your neck. No air in = no air out. Problem solved.

I wish someone would clean my kitchen.

12-02-2014, 06:39 PM

They use one of these:


I wish I had a tea cozy. Going to be way, way too many trips up and down the stairs today.

12-03-2014, 09:23 PM
Granted. The Genie sent you a nice tea cozy--blue chintz with gold tassel trim. Unfortunately, the Genie Delivery Man (who started early on holiday cheer) stumbled into your kitchen and broke your teapot. Try a tea bag.

I wish I could play the oboe.

Hannah M
12-04-2014, 12:33 AM
Granted. There's this new game called 'The Oboe' that's just been invented. Similar to Russian Roulette, really, only it's just you. Enjoy :)

I wish the glue would dry quicker.

jaus tail
12-05-2014, 07:29 AM
Granted. The moment glue is ejected from the tube, it dries. It ends up with the customers getting unsatsifed and refusing to get fooled again into buying useless glue. They switch to duct tapes. The duct tape sales rise exponentially. And no one knows that you own a duct tape factory and made this wish so your product could sell well.

I wish I were imaginary. All my friends are imaginary that except me. Life is so unfair.

12-08-2014, 02:15 AM

You are now imaginary. You are some poor, sick, deluded soul's hallucination and... and... I can't do it. I can't do that to someone. No one deserves that.

Not even in North Korea.

I wish my internet was working better.

jaus tail
12-08-2014, 07:56 AM
Denied. Your internet is waiting for its salary for the last three months which you haven't paid and yet you have the audacity to expect it to report to work every night and show you pictures that your mama and daddy have prohibited you from viewing. Well, the internet is on strik and unless you pay it the salary of three months and promise medical coverage, it won't report to work.

I wish for a car that could fire missiles from its bonnet and if I pressed a button, then its tyres would expand into monster truck vehicles.

Hannah M
12-09-2014, 10:08 PM
Granted. But you park on a yellow line and get a clamp. Unfortunately you're out of money so you can't redeem your car.

I wish I could be in 17 places at once.
(Not the 'Rest In Pieces' type, please)

12-10-2014, 12:11 AM
Granted. After careful study, the Genie has arranged for you to be in three prisons in Afghanistan, two prisons in Siberia, four prisons in China, three prisons in Syria and five prisons in North Korea, all at the same time. (In six of the prisons, you are scheduled for immediate execution.)

I wish Santa would let me ride along in his sleigh.

12-10-2014, 01:54 AM

You're the coal. But at least you're going places this Christmas.

I wish I knew what was wrong with my internet.

Hannah M
12-10-2014, 03:54 AM

Just Google it! I got 678,000,000 results in 0.38 seconds. Oh wait, you need internet to do that...

I wish I could go to sleep two hours ago.

jaus tail
12-10-2014, 07:31 AM
Denied. You're typing a wish expecting an imaginary genie to fulfill it. It appears you're already dreaming.

I wish my skin weren't so dry.

12-14-2014, 05:01 AM

A bucket of water gets tipped over your head.

I wish for total happiness.

12-14-2014, 05:24 AM
Granted. Now you get to go through life with a giant goofy grin on your face; however, you have forgotten what sadness feels like so you are unable to appreciate the overwhelming happiness constantly bubbling over inside you. Instead, you feel like you can't breathe and you yearn for a bout of melancholia. Sorry, but dems da breaks. You made the wish. Love, Genie.

I wish I could be Doctor Who's new companion.

12-14-2014, 05:34 AM
Granted. The Doctor's new companion is you. Unfortunately shortly after getting the position, the Tardis is destroyed in a freak accident after a sonic screwdriver gets accidentally embedded in the time dilation matrix causing a rift in the time-space continuum and trapping you forever in a parallel world where time runs in reverse. Without the Tardis, the Doctor was unable to reached you before you aged to 0. Sad story that covered six episodes :(

I wish I could never have food that was bad for me.

Hannah M
12-14-2014, 12:31 PM
Granted. Genie's classification of 'bad' is anything that makes your taste buds feel like jumping off a cliff. Brussel sprouts and Spinach is off. Chocolate and sugar are in. Enjoy your new diet - and you'd better start stocking up on some larger clothes:)

I wish I had known about the mud beforeI chose my nicest shoes.

12-15-2014, 12:39 AM

You knew about the mud, but not about the "gift" left in the yard by the neighbor's dogs. Isn't the "giving" season wonderful?

I wish I had a TA. Or the willingness to assign random grades.

12-15-2014, 09:24 PM
Granted. The Genie cannot provide a TA, but he gives you the willingness to assign random grades. The result, of course, will be fury from your students, but...you asked for it. :D

I wish I could get away from the hurly-burly of the holidays and spend the next two weeks on a tropical island.

M.S. Wiggins
12-16-2014, 04:43 AM
Granted. However, the Hurly-Burlies are so enchanted by you that they're following you to Tahiti.

I wish someone else would do all my gift shopping for me. I find it entirely boring.

12-18-2014, 10:53 PM

It's adult-themed chocolates and fart joke humor books for everyone. With your name attached.

I wish I could better insulate these walls.

Jack McManus
12-19-2014, 06:48 AM

The drywall is all gone, go ahead and insulate to your heart's content. Might want to call for bids on new drywall and paint, before everything shuts down for the holidays.

I wish slcboston would come insulate my attic.

12-28-2014, 11:48 PM

As a result of over-zealous compacting your roof has now bulged to mushroom-shaped proportions and smurfs are ringing your doorbell daily in search of lodging.

I wish I could marry a stand up comedian.

01-08-2015, 06:51 PM

I think Andrew Dice Clay is single.

I wish my meeting tomorrow would be cancelled. Or that it at least snows enough that I can justify not driving in.

01-17-2015, 09:17 AM
Unfortunately, the Genie received your wish a little late. He regrets that you had such a miserable time attending that meeting the other day, especially the part where you :censored.

I wish we would have tropical weather here, starting tomorrow.

01-17-2015, 09:35 AM
Granted! your weather tomorrow is indeed tropical.. it's 103F in the shade, 100% humidity, and is that a typhoon on the horizon??

I wish all this damn snow would melt.

jaus tail
01-19-2015, 03:41 PM
Granted. It melts into a flood, and your neighbor is using a really large blow dryer that causes giant waves directed towards your house. Swim for your lives.

I wish my english teacher's car would get stuck in a really deep pot hole. And the car's hood must strike a grenade and boom, launching the car towards the moon where my english teacher would be stuck for a really long time.

01-20-2015, 06:44 AM

I'm sorry, but grenades don't work that way. This oversight on your part renders null and void the remaining aspects of your wish. However, in fulfillment of the spirit of your wish, you can be hit by a car instead.

I wish there were better options available.

01-20-2015, 10:07 AM
Denied. If you know anything about physics, including the second law of thermodynamics, or about chemistry or--for that matter--about human history, you know there are no better options.

I wish I would wake up tomorrow morning and find a big surprise.

jaus tail
01-20-2015, 10:13 AM
Granted. Tomorrow morning there will be a big pool of stinking ammonia filled stain on your bed.

I wish I had a pet cow.

01-21-2015, 12:25 AM
Granted. You have a whale cow. Naturally, you will have to have a large body of water to keep it in--a salt-water lake will do--and it may not be as friendly toward you as you had hoped.

I wish I had a flying carpet.

01-21-2015, 04:29 AM
Granted! You have a flying carpet. You climb aboard and zoom up into the sky! The carpet, having a mind of its own, decides to fly sideways for a while, and... did you notice there's no seatbelts??

I wish I had a flying circus.

01-21-2015, 09:55 AM
Granted. You have a flying flea circus. The fleas hop all over you, and the audience loves it.

I wish I knew what I was doing.

01-22-2015, 01:29 AM

You are now fully aware of everything you do. Not just your large actions, but right down to the division of your cells, the activity of the bacteria in your gut (and elsewhere), and all the various biological processes going on as we speak inside you. Be advised that such levels of hyper self-awareness often come with serious side effects vis-a-vis your sanity.

I wish my cat would realize it's not dinner time yet.

01-28-2015, 08:33 AM
Granted. Your cat realizes it is not dinner time and finds ways to keep you from eating any snacks.
I wish someone would make a movie of Walter Farley's book The Island Stallion.

01-29-2015, 12:59 AM

But if you're hoping for something along the lines of the original Black Stallion movie, I hate to tell you it's going to be more like the last time they brought it to television.

Oh, and Michael Bay is going to direct it.

I wish I could be as rested on 7 hours of sleep as I was when I was younger.

01-29-2015, 04:56 AM
Go ahead, hit the hay. There will be someone along to arrest you in seven hours.

I wish I could find my reading glasses

01-29-2015, 10:28 PM
Granted. But your decline in linguistic ability--which has been evident for some time now--makes it impossible for you to understand anything you read.

I wish I owned a lake.

01-30-2015, 07:42 PM

You now own one of the Great Lakes. I'm not saying which, and good luck doing anything with it, but it is yours.

... Or maybe it was that one in Russia. Hmm, not sure about that.

I wish I could figure out where this draft was coming from.

02-01-2015, 11:41 PM
That draft is coming from an ill wind, which (needless to say) is blowing you no good. :ROFL:

I wish I could fly anywhere in the world without paying.

02-01-2015, 11:46 PM
Raise your right hand and repeat after me ... You are now a member of the Latvian Air Force.

I wish I knew how to avoid shooting at Latvian Aircraft.

02-02-2015, 12:10 AM

You're French. Goddamn surrender monkey.*

I wish I knew what to do about the large French mob descending on my house.

*With apologies to the French.

02-02-2015, 11:29 PM
Granted. Put a Nebuchadnezzar of Beaujolais, three liters of Grand Marnier, two dozen loaves of pain de campagne, a kilo of foie gras and a 10-gallon tub of escargots in front of your house. Stand on your porch and wave a small French flag while singing "La Marseillaise." On second thought, don't sing.

I wish the last 30 seconds of the Super Bowl game could be replayed, with Seattle running the ball (almost a guaranteed TD) instead of throwing that idiotic pass. :Headbang:

02-18-2015, 03:56 PM
Granted. But when Seattle wins the Patriot fans rriot and destroy everything with Seattle in its name including your prized collection of Seattle game gear.
I wish Gallant Man's jockey had not pulled him up too soon the first Saturday in May 1957.

02-19-2015, 02:18 AM
Granted. But the fans of Iron Liege (which beat Gallant Man because of that jockey's error) burn your house down, flood your email with obscene curses and follow you wherever you go, throwing horseshoes at you.

I wish my back didn't hurt.

02-19-2015, 03:08 AM

lesee .. positive Jumper cable clap to the right nipple negative to the left ... anybody seen my car keys

I wish somebody else would clean that up

02-19-2015, 09:14 PM

They clean it up, and then leave the trash bags on your lawn.... And I think one of them just *moved.*

I wish I knew how to make it warmer upstairs.

02-19-2015, 09:22 PM
Granted! Satan has been trying to educate God about that for millennia. You too will have a warm upstairs...

I wish I had steel fingernails.

02-20-2015, 03:44 AM
Granted. The Genie is providing you with steel fingernails. As a bonus, he is making them stainless.They will grow just like your old nails, but you will need sturdy metal cutters to trim them. You won't mind if the cutters slip and slice off a finger occasionally, will you?

I wish all my problems could be solved in the next ten minutes.

02-20-2015, 06:27 AM
* hands Nym a lit stick of dynamite *

* dons raincoat and rain hat *

I wish I had earplugs

02-22-2015, 07:55 AM
Your wish is granted you have earplugs that cannot be removed for the rest of your life.

Wish for a rainbow and no more snow.

02-28-2015, 08:31 PM

But with the rainbow comes a tornado. Watch out for flying monkeys.

I wish I'd gotten more sleep. :sleepy:

02-28-2015, 09:58 PM
Granted. Three days ago, you ate an apple given to you by a witch and fell into a deep sleep. You will remain in that sleep until you are kissed by a frog who is really a princess (or maybe by a toad who is really a serial killer--you can't win 'em all).

I wish I would never have another computer problem. :Headbang:

02-28-2015, 10:27 PM
Wish granted. All computers in your rez are now unplugged. You will have to visit AW from the local library's bank of Gateways. All computer problems will now be the public library's problem. And look! As a bonus I have made you a thermos of coffee and packed a lunchbox with a baloney sandwich, a banana and a couple of Twinkies, so you don't have to walk back home for lunch. That's how the geezers who use our public library computers do things. You should fit right in. Your first step to geezerdom!

I wish P. Allen Smith was my long lost son--s6

02-28-2015, 11:15 PM

I don't know who that is, so the best I can do is point you in the right direction. It's all going to end in interstate kidnapping felonies anyway.

I wish I could have another cup of coffee to wake me up without running the risk of it keeping me up all night.

Jack McManus
03-01-2015, 05:26 AM
Granted. You will be roused from your sleep at fifteen-minute intervals throughout the night. Sweet dreams!

I wish everyone would quit griping about the weather and actually do something about it. (apologies to Will Rogers)

03-01-2015, 06:34 PM
Granted. The nutjobs seed the atmosphere and the earth's temperature drops two degrees. We are now stuck in a permanent ice age. Happy??

I wish you all had better days.

03-01-2015, 06:37 PM

Everyone will have better days than you will, no matter how low the bar.

I wish I had a pair of raccoons

03-01-2015, 07:46 PM
Genie was unable to capture raccoons on short notice, so Genie settled on the next best thing: turning Porter into a raccoon. Lacking a better model, this was accomplished by punching him in the eyes. Those two shiners look like raccoon markings, right?

I wish I had better days.

03-01-2015, 08:01 PM

... as seen through the genie's blackened eyes and current ill temper

I wish I had a butterfly spoon

03-02-2015, 01:54 AM

It's really, really tiny, and I have no idea why a butterfly needs cutlery in the first place, but... it's yours.

I wish I could decide what to make for dinner.

03-02-2015, 02:21 AM

I wish I could decide what to make for dinner.

Chef's surprise should really be chef's surprise.

I wish I could get this recipe for boiling water right.

03-02-2015, 02:29 AM

*transports you to the vacuum of space*

There, now you should have no trouble getting water to boil.

I wish my rice would be done at the same time as my fish. I can never seem to get my timing right...

03-02-2015, 08:07 AM
That's because you're starting in the kitchen. To get the timing right, you have to start with planting the rice, and spawning the fish. Hmm... Genie decides to grant your wish. You are now a serf in a rice paddy. Don't step on the catfish.

I wish Sam's Club still had that yummy catfish.

03-02-2015, 05:17 PM
but there are a lot of other things on Sam's club that might make you lose your appetite or endanger you health.

I wish I didn't have to go to the vet today

03-02-2015, 06:02 PM

You're off to the undertaker instead.

I wish I could sleep in during my week off.

03-02-2015, 08:33 PM
Semi-granted, depending on how you spend your days, and on that subject, the Genie has serious doubts.

A well-spent day brings happy sleep. -- Leonardo da Vinci :sleepy:

I wish I had read all of Tolstoy.

03-02-2015, 08:49 PM

Though that leaves you no time for anything else in your life. I mean, seriously, have you seen the SIZE of those books??

I wish I had an assistant.

03-02-2015, 09:56 PM
Granted! -- Igor!! Igor, get in here! Your finer talents are required. Assist slcboston into the laboratory...

I wish I had my own Igor.

03-02-2015, 11:12 PM

I have one here who's a grumpy, 600 lb gorilla with anger management issues. He's all yours.

I wish I was being more productive.

03-02-2015, 11:16 PM
Granted. Igor insists that you produce faster. Faster! Great productivity awaits!!

I wish my wishes sounded less like the BS thread.

03-02-2015, 11:23 PM

You will now come up with well thought out, superbly crafted, exquisitely worded wishes, whether in response to someone else's wish or expressing your own (as you were somewhat vague about that and the djinn are not responsible for the outcome of vaguely worded wishing).

They will still be total and utter BS, but they will not sound like it.

I wish I had a mini-fridge upstairs. Stocked with those little tiny bottles of alcohol.

03-02-2015, 11:46 PM
Granted. But to have such a fridge (stocked with tiny bottles) you will have to pay what you would for a night in the Royal Suite at the Burj Al Arab, in Dubai--in other words,$19,000. Not interested? You have reached the wrong Genie. Try a cheaper one.

I wish the cascade of computer problems I have been experiencing would cease immediately!

03-02-2015, 11:51 PM

Grab a fire extinguisher. (But hey, look, the fire brought an end to the cascade.)

I wish I could afford to travel.

03-02-2015, 11:57 PM
Granted! Genie generously provides you with a bindle and sturdy walking shoes. Off you go!

I wish I knew where slcboston went.

Jack McManus
03-03-2015, 02:55 AM
Granted. He's insulating my attic.

I wish he'd hurry up.

ETA: Never mind, it's not him. It's that cable guy got loose again.

I wish people would stay tied up.

03-03-2015, 07:06 PM
Granted. But the only "people" tied up, at the moment, is YOU. The Genie has arranged for you to stay that way.

I wish I had a bucket without a hole in it.

03-03-2015, 08:56 PM

But you've ruined the song, and hundreds of angry campers, denied their sing-a-long, are going to descend upon your home.

I wish this thing would take care of itself.

03-04-2015, 06:37 PM
Denied. The Genie has no idea what you're talking about. Please be more specific in your wishes, or he will be forced to refer you to another Genie, who will be even more grumpy than this one. :whip:

I wish slcboston would get a grip.

03-04-2015, 07:55 PM
slcboston gets a grip, a very firm, indeed an unbreakable grip!! ...around Nymtoc's neck. You should have been more specific.

I wish I wasn't losing my grip.

jaus tail
03-04-2015, 08:08 PM
Granted. You're not losing your grip. Now you have a grip over how you spend your time and you become a super successful man who is very happy with his life. :)

I wish I had a bicycle.

03-04-2015, 08:21 PM
Granted! Tho genie is confused about the 'bi' part of 'cycle'. Genie decides this means it swings both ways from 'two', and grants you both a tricycle and a unicycle.

I wish my bicycle never had flat tires.

03-04-2015, 08:39 PM
Granted. Your bicycle has no tires. (That was an easy one.)

I wish there was real, edible pie in the sky.

jaus tail
03-05-2015, 07:44 AM
Granted. There's a pie in the sky, and you have wings so you can fly in the sky to eat it. And the icing on the cake is that you poop on my english teacher.

I wish I owned an island with forest in the background, waves ahead, and a pair of shades to save my eyes from the sun.

03-05-2015, 08:34 AM
Granted! Genie knows just the place.... it's a lovely island in the middle of Rainy Lake (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rainy_Lake), toward the Minnesota shore. Forest and waves surround you; the light is soft and gentle on your eyes. Admittedly the house needs a bit of work, but still, the setting is so fine... I wouldn't try those stairs if I were you! ....Forgot to mention, to achieve this, Genie had to transport you back in time by 50 years, cuz by now I'm sure the house is one with the moss. (Yes, it's a real place.)

I wish that house on the island would be restored.

jaus tail
03-05-2015, 09:14 AM
Granted. Here's a hammer, nails, and a bucket of paint. Get to work, handyman Reziac.

I wish I were a muscular handyman.

03-05-2015, 09:37 AM
Granted. You are now so ripped that attempting to move anything causes your neck artery to explode violently and spectacularly.

I wish I hadn't run out of Batman jokes.

jaus tail
03-05-2015, 10:36 AM
Denied. Sorry, but Genie can't think of any jokes. I'm now allowed to think.

But here's a pack of potato chips to cheer ya up.

I wish I were the guy from Nat Geo or Animal Planet, who travels to forests n gets to see all the wild animals.