View Full Version : Your wish is granted...

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05-31-2014, 07:56 PM
Granted. Your friend comes on to you, and all is made clear.

I wish JT would make friends with his right hand.

jaus tail
05-31-2014, 07:59 PM
Denied. Ma right hand is not just ma friend, he's ma best friend, you get that. You say anything to ma right hand, you talk to me first, ok. now i dont want you sayin nothin bad about ma right hand. You open your mouth about ma right hand one more time and boom boom bam bam, i'll throw you in the washing machine.

I wish my shadow would come in colors other than black. Like dark green would be cool.

06-01-2014, 12:27 AM
Granted! Your shadow now comes in flaming red. That's cuz it's on fire. Can you run away from it fast enough...??

I wish I'd remember that notion long enough to pass it along to our DOOM mod team. :D

jaus tail
06-01-2014, 01:30 AM
Granted. Your brain has been extracted and is being operated on by our team of nerdy rats, who'll disclose that memory of the notion. And once those critters learn the memory, they'll stitch your brain back and hand it over to you. We'll make sure it's gift wrapped and will send a box of cheese and french wine with it.

I wish I were more handsome than I am.

06-01-2014, 02:10 AM
Granted. You are more handsome than you are. Then since you've caught up you need to be made more handsome than you are. This leads to infinite iterations until Genie's head explodes. On second thought, denied!!

I wish jaus tail was an infinite number of clones, so he could forever be more handsome than he is without damaging Genie's brain.

06-01-2014, 03:40 AM
Denied. The genie's brain is damaged anytime he creates clones of Jaus, regardless.

I wish that Jaus was the genie.

06-01-2014, 05:32 AM
Denied. Jaus is taking a well deserved rest at the park.

I wish Jaus had some bread with him to give to the angry mob of geese chasing him.

jaus tail
06-01-2014, 10:21 AM
Granted, I'm sending Priscilla(who wears short skirt and wet t-shirt, is 5'9, and does yoga), over to give Jaus the bread.

I wish I could run faster than cheetahs.

06-01-2014, 08:41 PM
Granted. But you do not run faster than rockets. [Hefts rocket launcher]

I wish I had a rocket launcher. And some rockets. No use having one without the other. So it's a set, not two wishes; get that, Genie??

jaus tail
06-01-2014, 09:05 PM
Granted. You get rocket and rocket launcher. But in exchange you'll have to promise to fire the first rocket at my baby sitter's head. Boom...

I wish my english teacher would do social work by chopping himself up and feeding himself to street dogs.

06-01-2014, 11:58 PM
Granted. Unbeknownst to you, your teacher was a mutant. Now your city is enslaved by a gang of super-powered street mutts. Everyone hates you, your family are dead, the cute girl at the supermarket was ripped apart in front of your eyes, and every breath takes effort. You've gone to the dogs, my friend.

I wish I had a stick that could poke New Zealand.

jaus tail
06-02-2014, 12:05 AM
Denied. New Zealand is sleeping. And you must know that it's a sin to awake someone who's fast asleep.

I wish people would realize the virtues of think about yourself and standing up for yourself instead of saying, 'Friendship is more important than ego.'

06-05-2014, 06:01 AM
Granted. From now on your friends will say no to any favor you ask of them.
I wish California Chrome would win the Belmont.

06-05-2014, 09:09 AM
Granted. A piece of metal is now mayor of Belmont.
I wish all mayors were as good at their job as the said piece of metal.

06-06-2014, 05:32 PM
Granted. All mayors now sit at their desks and do nothing. Their aides do all the work and collect huge salaries they apportion themselves.
I wish I could sleep.

06-07-2014, 10:40 AM
Granted. See you Tuesday when you wake up.

I wish I didn't snore.

jaus tail
06-07-2014, 10:43 AM
Granted. Your neighbor's snore so loudly, can't sleep and thus are unable to snore.

I wish I had the will power of a mountain facing a storm, a storm uprooting a tree, a tree standing under the sun and the sun shining on the mountain.

06-08-2014, 07:41 PM
Denied. The Genie is not in the mood for literary fiction today.

I wish I had a cake for us all to eat.

jaus tail
06-08-2014, 07:48 PM
Granted. But I'm out of pastry, let me check what I got to make up for it? Well I got a cat and two frogs, do you want a frog flavored cake or would you a smashed camel, cause the neighbor has a camel, it bought from Amazon as pet. So which flavor, dog, frog, or camel? And for toppings I got my teacher's blood. Wow...now isn't that the best cake ever.

I wish a button. A blue colored button that when I press, a bomb explodes in my neighbor's house.

06-08-2014, 07:52 PM
Denied! Someone left the cake out in the rain and I don't have the recipe to bake that cake again! --s6

06-08-2014, 07:55 PM
Wish granted but only if you move into a duplex.

I wish I had an eject button that would catapult rowdy students from their desks--s6

06-08-2014, 09:25 PM
Granted. It catapults them to your house, where they will be waiting when you come home.

I wish I had a tree whose branches bore every type of fruit.

06-08-2014, 10:31 PM
Granted. Your tree's branches bear every type of fruit. However, the only type that ever ripens is the fruit of iniquity.

I wish I lived in the house that Jack built.

06-09-2014, 01:24 AM
Granted. You live in the house that Jack built, along with the rat that ate the cheese, the cat that chased the rat, the dog that worried the cat, the cow that tossed the dog, the maiden that milked the cow, the man all tattered and torn that kissed the maiden, the judge that married the man and the maiden, the rooster that crowed, the farmer that sowed his corn and the horse and the hound and the horn that belonged to the farmer. They fill every nook and cranny in the house, and you find yourself confined to a cramped space in the attic, cursing the day that you ever made such a silly wish.

I wish I could predict the outcome of sports events.

06-09-2014, 01:33 AM
Granted. Too bad you're seeing ones 2,693 years into the future. Capitalize on that.

I wish I could waltz without stepping on my partner's toes.

06-09-2014, 01:46 AM
Granted. Now your partner doesn't have toes.

I wish I had an iced coffee to cool me down.

06-09-2014, 01:48 AM
Granted, indirectly. Genie is unable to fix your clumsiness, but can help your partner out with a pair of steel-toed boots.

I wish I could see thedark waltzing in clodhoppers.

Slightly used wish thrown back for redundancy, having considered the toeless option and found it lacking.

Genie now grants Blinkk lots and lots of cold coffee. I'm not sure what became of the ice. Possibly thedark used it to cool down after all that exercise.

I wish boiled tea didn't make my mouth dry.

jaus tail
06-09-2014, 10:23 PM
Granted. But it makes your bowels go wild.

I wish a lightning bolt would hit me and go through me, then hit the english teacher who lives in the house, a floor below mine, and the lightning rips right through his heart, burning it, really piercing the heart and making it stop beating.

06-12-2014, 10:05 AM
Granted. Mostly.

Zeus is on vacation, so there is currently a shortage of lightning bolts. Luckily, Cupid is available to fill in and he has arrows to spare. The next time you and the english teacher spot one another, both your hearts will momentarily stop beating due to excitement. Don't think of it as losing a downstairs neighbor, think of it as gaining a roommate!

I wish I had been wearing my reading glasses when I accidentally ordered all these 'Bowels Gone Wild' videos.

06-12-2014, 04:08 PM
Granted! You wouldn't want to miss a single movement, er, moment.

I wish Kou had received "Vowels Gone Wild" instead.

jaus tail
06-12-2014, 07:12 PM
Denied. The world would be a better place if we all looked after ourselves. So instead of making a wish for Kou, why don't you make a wish for yourself? I can give you the "VGW" and then you may give it to Kou.

I wish I were six feet four inches tall, had a strong jaw line and biceps.

06-12-2014, 08:19 PM
Granted! You are now 6'4" with a strong jawline and biceps. Well, microscopic biceps. You should have been more specific. Here's membership in the gym instead.

I wish I knew how to pronouce "VGW". After watching it I write like aeoiuyaieoioeuaoeyeieio!!

jaus tail
06-13-2014, 09:51 AM
Granted. VGW is pronounced as
"We" are the slaves of jaus tail.
"Gee", jaus tail is so intelligent.
"WWF" was won by jaus tail alone.

I wish when deer see a cheetah chasing them, all the deer agree to stand together and fight the cheetah.

06-13-2014, 05:00 PM
Granted. All the deer on Earth overpower cheetahs and then, drunk on power, wipe out big cats. Soon the only kitties left are the ones that nuzzle your ankles.

I wish the Greek pantheon ruled over us.

jaus tail
06-13-2014, 05:58 PM
Denied. The pantheon is now used for broadway.

I wish the coconut tree outside my apartment falls on my neighbor's car while the neighbor is in it.

06-14-2014, 09:06 AM
Granted! Next time your neighbor is in the coconut tree, it will fall on your neighbor's car.

I wish I could, "Release the Kraken!"

jaus tail
06-14-2014, 09:26 AM
Granted. Genie had Kraken for dinner. Wait till tomorrow morning, I'll release it then, if you know what i mean:D

I wish I were sophisticated.

06-14-2014, 11:20 PM
Granted. You have finally learned not to eat beans with a knife.

I wish I had a theme song that would play every time I walk into a room.

06-14-2014, 11:52 PM
Granted. But the band that follows you around is constantly bumming cigs off you.

I wish I was a master chef.

jaus tail
06-15-2014, 07:52 PM
Denied. Genie has to think about other people as well:P

I wish my plant would grow weeds around me and cuddle me, so I could snuggle to it like a baby.

06-16-2014, 01:03 AM
Granted! Genie can't change your plant, but has bought you a plant that likes to cuddle. You'll be squealing like a baby. The plant's name is Audrey II. You can pick it up at the Little Shop of Horrors.

Since Hollywood insists on remaking movies, I wish they'd remake something good - like Blade Runner.

06-16-2014, 01:07 AM
Denied! You know perfectly well that every time Hollywood remakes a classic, they destroy it!!

I wish Hollywood didn't do that.

06-16-2014, 03:14 AM
Denied! The Genie can do many things, but he cannot stop Hollywood filmmakers from being stupid.

I wish I had a fan club.

06-16-2014, 03:16 AM
Genie is unable to decide if you wish to have a club to use on your fans, or if you wish a fan to club you. Lacking such indicators, genie decides to grant both. If you run fast enough you can both catch your fan, and escape from him. I only see one fan, which is probably just as well for you.

I wish I didn't have a fan club.

jaus tail
06-16-2014, 09:57 AM
Granted. Your fans are turned to mice. Call your cousins and eat them.

I wish I could drive a monster truck over my school.

06-16-2014, 10:15 AM
Granted! You are driving a monster truck over your school... about 10,000 feet over your school. Next time wish for a parachute.

I wish mice were easier to butcher. They're really good roasted.

jaus tail
06-16-2014, 05:44 PM
Denied. Why butcher them, when you can swallow them alive and whole. You'd have live mice playing football tournament with your heart in your belly.

I wish the beer bottle on the table refilled itself.

06-16-2014, 06:45 PM
Granted! the beer bottle is never empty. However, it's not full of beer... I think it's been to too many frat parties.

I wish all these damn mosquitoes would die, right now, and never come back.

jaus tail
06-16-2014, 07:00 PM
Granted. They die of a meteor strike.

I wish when hyenas attack a deer, the deer would huddle together and fight the outnumbered hyenas.

06-17-2014, 07:10 AM
Granted. Hyenas are kicked to death by the enraged hordes of deer.

I wish robots could dust the room besides sweeping and washing the floor. But I can't picture a roomba climbing to the top shelves of my overstuffed bookshelves.

06-17-2014, 07:19 AM
Granted. You now clean your tall bookshelves with a garden hose... and are arrested for book abuse.

I wish I had more bookshelves.

jaus tail
06-17-2014, 04:36 PM
Fine. Take these book shelves. All the forests in the world are chopped down to make bookshelves for you.

I wish it would rain so much, all the buildings would drown and I'd be the only man sitting on the terrace's wall.

06-17-2014, 08:21 PM
Genie cannot decide if this wish is already granted, or should be denied. See, here in Montana we're having a monsoon, and the buildings are about to drown. Montana is not supposed to have monsoons. This is clearly jaus tail's fault. Genie decides that the wish has already been granted. The water has risen over all the buildings, leaving jaus tail sitting on the high terrace wall. Then, tragically, jaus tail falls in and drowns, and genie is avenged.

I wish it would stop raining already!! Two months extra rain (so far) is plenty, thanks!

jaus tail
06-17-2014, 08:49 PM
Denied. Genie enjoys the rains and advices you to take off your shirt and dance in the rains.

I wish a publisher discovered me and offered me lots n lots of money, an island, a panther, dolphins and an eagle.

06-17-2014, 09:34 PM
Granted. Fukuover Publishing, Ltd., is offering you everything you asked for. Send $1,000 immediately as proof of your sincerity. Further instructions will follow.

I wish I owned a football franchise.

jaus tail
06-17-2014, 09:54 PM
Granted. Fukuovr is all yours:D

I wish my babysitter fell from the balcony.

06-17-2014, 09:59 PM
Granted! The babysitter falls from the balcony and lands on your head. You're a hero! You've saved the babysitter!! ...at the cost of your own neck. The funeral is tomorrow.

I wish this damn rain I'm dancing in wasn't so freakin' cold. And how am I supposed to dance in a foot of mud??!

jaus tail
06-18-2014, 09:44 AM
Denied. If the rain is cold, how about get a partner and dance with her. Let your bodies exchange heat, grab her arm. Slide your hand along her back, wrap it around her waist. Move her hair from her face and let nature take its course.

I wish I had a girlfriend.

06-18-2014, 09:50 AM
Granted. You now have a girlfriend who loves hot rain, grabs your tail ans has no hair. Try dancing in the cold rain now...

I wish I could dance.

jaus tail
06-18-2014, 11:40 AM
Denied. Dancing is a talent that one is born with. It's in your blood. You may want to go for blood transfusion and seek for donors who have won state level dance competitions.

I wish I were Mr. World.

06-18-2014, 03:45 PM
Denied. Unfortunately, there is already a Mr. World, so you are now Mr. Wannabe World. The Genie hopes you like the title.

I wish I could go back to school and win the marbles championship.

06-18-2014, 06:21 PM
Denied! Everyone knows Nymtoc has lost his marbles!!

I wish jaus tail's girlfriend was Baba Yaga.

jaus tail
06-18-2014, 06:31 PM
Granted. Baba yaga is a cat's mother:D

Genie, I don't have any wishes. I just want to know, i want to know your wish and if you tell me, then if i like it i'll ask it from you and you can get what you want. So tell me your wishy genie genie genie...oh lo lo lo lo. Cho Chweet.

06-20-2014, 07:05 PM
Genie wishes you had a wish.
You wish all your clutter was gone/.

06-20-2014, 07:19 PM
Denied! Clutter is a subset of Junk, and everyone knows Junk fills the space allotted!

I wish I had been allotted more space.

06-20-2014, 07:24 PM

Your space is about 3 light years away. Tell me how the trip was when you get there.

I wish I was less tolerant

jaus tail
06-20-2014, 07:40 PM
Granted my friend. You are less tolerant and more wise.

I wish I had seven turtles in my house, six of whose shells were made of diamond and the seventh one, of ruby. The ruby one should be a female so they have babies with shells half diamond and half ruby.

06-21-2014, 11:12 PM
Granted. There are now seven turtles in your house. Six with shells made of diamond and the seventh one, of ruby. The ruby one is female. The diamond ones are neutered. Genie has no idea how that translates to babies of half diamond and half ruby.

Instead you'll have babies with shells of half ruby and half jaus tail. But I believe you're breaking some laws in doing that...

I wish summer wasn't so hot, dusty, and full of folks with turtle fetishes.

06-22-2014, 01:47 AM
Granted. You are exiled to Antarctica.

I wish that I could draw halfway-decent human figures.

06-24-2014, 07:00 AM
Granted. You now draw half clothed people.
I wish my bed could take me to the island of Naboomboom.

06-24-2014, 12:02 PM
Granted. But the football team is on strike, and the Lion King's pendant and the incredible spell it contains have already left the island with Ms. Price and crew.

I wish I were a mathematics whiz.

jaus tail
06-24-2014, 04:48 PM
Granted. You are the only one in the world who knows the value of x.

I wish I had a cat.

06-24-2014, 06:36 PM
Granted. You now have a sabre-toothed tiger! Hope you can run really fast.

I wish I could see jaus tail racing his new cat.

jaus tail
06-24-2014, 07:23 PM
Denied. sir jaus tail's speed is more than flash and lightning's combined. he runs so fast, no one can see him, and I mean no one.

I wish I had a magical oven that'd make a pizza whenever I opened the door.

06-24-2014, 07:28 PM
granted. But the latch is broken and you drown in pizzas.

I wish didn't have to eat to survive.

jaus tail
06-24-2014, 07:35 PM
Granted. Genie has installed a zipper in your stomach allowing provision to unzip your stomach open, insert the food, then zip it back. You don't have to eat it anymore.

I wish I could see at night.

06-24-2014, 07:50 PM
Granted. You are now a vampire. Bye-bye daylight.

I wish I had fangs.

jaus tail
06-24-2014, 07:56 PM
Granted. You're a rattle snake.

I wish even I had fangs but mine should be sharper than Reziac's and I want more poison.

06-24-2014, 09:01 PM
Granted. Your fangs have the deadliest poison in the world. But there's a problem. You forgot to ask for immunity to your own poison, and you accidentally bite your finger and...oops! :Shrug:

I wish I lived in a 100-room house.

jaus tail
06-24-2014, 09:42 PM
Granted. But no maid refuses to help you. Enjoy riding the vacuum cleaner.

I wish i had a 200 room house with 10 maids.

06-24-2014, 09:48 PM
Denied! At least until you can show Genie your brothel license. Then we'll see.

I wish my printer wasn't out of ink. I can think of so many licenses I could print.

jaus tail
06-24-2014, 09:52 PM
Granted. Genie refills it with cat's blood. Now where can I find a cat? oh there's one...taking out the shot gun, loading it, aiming at the sleeping cat, pulling the trigger and boom. Here you go. squeeze the blood out, right till the last drop and the printer should work fine.

I wish I were a little more attractive to the chicks.

06-24-2014, 11:11 PM
Granted. Tho you should know that the rooster is now giving you the meaningful eye as well.

I wish my printer had more colors than just red. Yellow I can manage, but blue??

jaus tail
06-25-2014, 09:28 AM
Granted. Genie gives you free membership to a zoo that contains blue frogs, pigeons and blue whale. Their skins are blue so you can skin them as much as you want for blue color.

I wish three eagles would fly outside my house and follow my commands.

06-26-2014, 05:49 AM
Granted, but only if your commands are "Swoop down and carry me off to your nests and feed me to your eaglets." That they will do.

I wish I had a car that would change its color any time I want.

jaus tail
06-26-2014, 10:08 AM
Granted. You ride a chameleon to work.

I wish a wish a gentle wish,
A gentle wish I wish,
And this I wish with all might,
May it snow with bliss tonight...

06-27-2014, 12:41 AM
Denied. Genie is begining his WE early and doesn't want snow to spoil his fun.
I wish I could slow down and accelerate time at will for the week to go faster and the WE to last more time.

jaus tail
06-27-2014, 08:45 PM
Denied. Genie can't give you the power to control time cause you may be evil and ruin lives of other people. But if you look after the minutes, the hours will take care of themselves.

I wish I could be an elephant and stomp my neighbor's car.

06-27-2014, 08:59 PM
Denied! You are a pink elephant, and the only thing you can crush is ice.

I wish I would receive a letter today telling me that my novel is about to be published with an initial run of 100,000 copies.

jaus tail
06-27-2014, 09:09 PM
Granted. Your novel is about to be published and we already have an order of 100000 copies. This letter is followed my another letter which says, "You just got punkd:D"

I wish I were a giraffe so I could look down upon my classmates. I'm tired of them laughing at me all the time. About time I look down at them.

06-29-2014, 09:36 PM
Granted. You are a giraffe. But you are too tall to get through doors and--because you made your wish at home--you have become a prisoner in your own room.

I wish I had a novel-writing app that could turn out a best-selling novel for me in one hour.

jaus tail
07-02-2014, 12:58 PM
Denied. If you want a best selling novel, you must write it yourself because the thrill is not in the fruit but it is in the hours that go digging the soil and planting the seeds, watering the plant and singing to it till it sleeps.

I wish I were at some island now all by myself.

07-02-2014, 01:18 PM
Didn't we just leave this party? Denied! My island! MINE!

Come to mention it, genie, where is that island you promised me?! Do I have to wish to be a pirate first??!

jaus tail
07-02-2014, 01:49 PM
Sorry master, but jaus has taken over the island and my mama warned me not to mess with jaus tail. sorry, i'd rather die than battle that warrior who has dragons as pets and dinosaurs for breakfast.

I wish it would rain forever.

07-02-2014, 02:07 PM
Granted! It rains forever... at least as far as you will know... See that fellow over there, building an ark? You shouldn't have laughed at him.

I wish I had my own lake, and an unsinkable houseboat to live in.

jaus tail
07-02-2014, 02:16 PM
Granted and as complementary I am also giving you these adorable sharks. They just got a new set of teeth planted by the dentist. Aren't they cute? You'll get along very well.

I wish a golden parrot would land on my window and grant me the superpower to control fire.

07-11-2014, 12:32 PM
Granted. But with all that rain, there's no way to have a fire or find something dry enough to burn...

I wish I could live underwater.

07-11-2014, 03:34 PM
Granted! and in honor of the occasion, Genie has decided to make you one of the most populous and successful of all underwater creatures, the humble plankton. Note the blue whale over yonder? You're about to become part of its dinner.

I wish all the mosquitoes in the world would die at once, never to return.

jaus tail
07-11-2014, 03:44 PM
Denied. That's unfair to mosquitoes.

I wish a motorbike.

07-11-2014, 04:25 PM
You wish a motorbike what? Lacking other information, Genie grants you a motorbike crash.

I wish all the mosquitoes in the world would bite jaus tail. That'll teach'em to deny sensible wishes!

jaus tail
07-11-2014, 04:33 PM
Granted. Drinking jaus' super powerful blood mosquitoes have become stronger and have more nnmore sex, more babies n more mosquitoes.

I wish a car would fall on my baby sitter.

07-11-2014, 04:53 PM
Granted.oops genie missed. It landed softly just in front of her with a nice ribbon around. Baby sitter is now the proud owner of the best and newest Aston Martin. Just to remind Genie, what's your car again?

I wish my car had an nuclear motor. No need to refuel anymore.

M.S. Wiggins
07-11-2014, 10:15 PM
Granted, but every time you start it a tsunami hits a Pacific island nation.

Too soon? If so, I wish I hadn't said that.

07-12-2014, 11:18 AM
Genie can't grant the wish as it's not too soon for Genie. Genie doesn't know what to do now. Maybe blame Jaus Tail for it as it's always Jaus Tail's fault anyway.

I wish Jaus tail stopped causing all those problems.

jaus tail
07-12-2014, 03:08 PM
Granted. Genie sent three ninja girls to kidnap jaus and take him to an island where it rains every evening and fruits are in abundance.

I wish I had a dragon that would breathe fire on my English teacher.

07-13-2014, 10:55 AM
Genie granted the wish by sending more troubles at Jaus Tail. So as Jaus Tail was Genie, it was Jaus Tail's fault again, so the wish wan't granted, was it? Genie can't grant a wish to an ex-genie who grants wishes but doesn't grant them at the same time. It's all Jaus Tail's fault.

I wished a wish which washed a whish. Which whish was which was mystery. The wishy-washy wish which washed the wish was witchery. So now I wish for a watch to watch how long it takes to wash all the wishes away.

jaus tail
07-13-2014, 11:02 AM
Denied. Genie's busy watching football to decode your cryptic wish.

I wish I were a male mermaid, and all the dolphins were my friends, and we'd go to war against the sharks.

07-13-2014, 06:47 PM
Granted! You are now a male mermaid, the dolphins all love you, and the sharks flee in fear. The downside is that there are no female mermaids, you're arrested for bestiality (tho none of the dolphins seemed upset), and, well, the sharks found reinforcements and you lose the war.

I wish I could see jaus tail's wish come true. <brings popcorn>

jaus tail
07-13-2014, 07:17 PM
Granted. After being arrested, jaus tail went to sea jail where octopus are guards. Jaus grabbed their tentacles and ruled the jail. All other whale and kraken inmates fear him.

I wish a centipede would appear in my English teacher's underwear.

M.S. Wiggins
07-13-2014, 11:47 PM
Granted. Only because I've had similar wishes for my own English professors and would love to see how it plays out.

I wish I may, I wish I might, have the wish I'll wish tonight.

07-14-2014, 12:01 AM
Denied: The Genie isn't a mind reader.

I wish my chores could be done instantly.

jaus tail
07-14-2014, 12:11 AM
Denied. Laziness is a disease my friend, you need to get out of it yourself and be responsible for your life.

I wish I had giant arms so I could bash anyone I didn't like.

M.S. Wiggins
07-14-2014, 12:50 AM
Granted, but it turns out you disliked everyone and now you're alone.

With every Grant,
The Genie Tolls:
A heavy price.
I pause,

I wish I had a Heineken.

07-14-2014, 11:32 AM
Granted. You have Hans Heineken, a descendant of the family that founded Heineken beer in the 19th Century. Hans is six years old and rather demanding. If he doesn't like the way you cooked his oatmeal he'll throw it all over the room. But he has a nice smile.

I wish that an old porcelain bowl I bought at a flea market for $5 would turn out to be worth $500,000.

07-14-2014, 05:46 PM
Granted! better yet, it is worth millions! And it was stolen from the Louvre. Half of France is after you for the reward money and the other half because, well, it's France.

I wish I had a chance to prove that money can't buy happiness.

jaus tail
07-14-2014, 06:06 PM
Granted. Give me your money and I'll cry.

I wish a buffalo would fall on my baby sitter.

07-14-2014, 06:36 PM
jaus tail appears to have wished for a flying buffalo. Genie's attempt to hybridize a buffalo and a chicken was less than successful, but since the real wish seems to be "squished babysitter", Genie decides to make up for the failed flying buffalo by granting this wish, and drops jaus tail on the babysitter.

I wish jaus tail could fly.

07-14-2014, 06:53 PM

*sets up giant trebuchet*




Seriously, you may want to duck.

I wish I could skip my third class. And my fourth, come to think on it. I want a half day.

07-14-2014, 07:09 PM
Sends you a new set of sneakers to skip in as a bonus

I wish I three more slip and slides

07-14-2014, 07:12 PM

One for your car, one for your house, and one for you. I recommend only using one of those on a regular basis. Maybe two.

As long as I'm skipping, I wish this would burn calories. Like a lot.

jaus tail
07-14-2014, 07:16 PM
Granted. You're super skinny, thinner than the rope you're using to skip.

I wish a building would fall on my babysitter.

07-14-2014, 07:18 PM
Granted! Your baby sitter is inside your house, yes? Then they also crush your home and everything you own!

Thankfully everyone is outside during this destructive moment in time. Crisis averted!(?)

I wish I could go to sleep.

07-14-2014, 07:19 PM

It happens to be the building you're in. Your babysitter, in a feat worthy of the Looney Tunes, comes through intact.

You, on the other hand, are less fortunate. However, you no longer have a babysitter; instead you have round-the-clock nursing staff. For a while.

ETA: Granted.

You are now sleeping beauty. The prince, however, is delayed. And a sixty-four year old retired prize-fighter with a face like a cauliflower and a personality like battery acid.

I STILL wish it was lunch, and since I am so skinny, that I was going someplace nice.

07-14-2014, 07:23 PM
I STILL wish it was lunch, and since I am so skinny, that I was going someplace nice.

You are going to have to change your ways if you ever plan on going anyplace nice.

I wish the guard at the pearly gates would fall asleep

07-14-2014, 07:27 PM

The motion sensor is still keeping you out.

I wish for wings that work.

jaus tail
07-14-2014, 07:30 PM
Granted. Your wings work as meat for me.

I wish my baby sitter would fall in a drain.

07-14-2014, 07:32 PM

She survives, sues the city for the open manhole cover, is awarded several million dollars, and is no longer your sitter.

The new one is not only worse, but knows what you're thinking. Good luck with that.

I wish my students would write faster.

jaus tail
07-14-2014, 07:37 PM
Granted. Your students write so fast, the friction between the pencil lead and paper causes fire and the school burns down.

I wish my dying rose plant would heal.

07-14-2014, 07:45 PM
Granted it can heal lepers. The news has leaked. Now a few hundred lepers are lining outside of your house. You just have to wait for your rose plant to die completely if you want it to loose its healing powers...

I wish I had a tree bearing all kind of fruits all around the years.

07-14-2014, 08:59 PM

But you can't eat from it. Sudden fruit allergy.

I wish the work day was over already.

07-14-2014, 10:02 PM
Granted. You're fired!

I wish slcboston would find a better job.

07-14-2014, 10:08 PM
Granted. slcboston was just hired as your boss. He fires you.

I wish the temperature outside would be exactly what I want it to be, every day of the year.

jaus tail
07-14-2014, 10:13 PM
denied. what's the fun without surprise rain, sudden chill or unbearable sun.

i wish all the cats in the world would never go hungry.

07-15-2014, 01:00 AM

On the plus side, I'm about to grant you immortality and a regenerative healing factor. On the negative side...

Start running.

I wish all my students were done with their test already. Sheesh, they're slow.

07-15-2014, 01:59 PM

Their tests are finished. But now comes the grading part. Are their papers multiplying? Why are there so many tests? Are you going to have to slide them into the machine one by one? Why is the room suddenly filled with test papers?! HELP---

I wish I had my writing muse back.

jaus tail
07-15-2014, 04:19 PM
Denied. She is busy watching TV.

I wish my dog would stop chasing cars and bite my caretaker instead.

07-15-2014, 05:52 PM
Your dog eats your caretaker.

I wish that I was more confident.

Hannah M
07-15-2014, 06:03 PM
Granted. You can totally kip out on the tracks - for sure that train will see you and stop in time.

I wish I had some chocolate.

07-15-2014, 06:05 PM
Granted! you have one molecule of chocolate. Fortunately chocolate doesn't come in such small packages, so Genie ate the rest.

I wish I had a whole lot of chocolate.

jaus tail
07-15-2014, 06:11 PM
Denied. Chocolates are unhealthy food, here's some chicken soup.

I wish I knew French and it'd be nice if a tall teacher with short skirt, tight shirt and lose hair would teach me French.

07-15-2014, 06:17 PM

Only it's not a skirt, it's a kilt, and I'm assuming when you said "lose" hair you meant "bald." His name is Angus, he's a real disciplinarian, and he also has a heavy Scots accent, which, when you reproduce it in your attempts to speak French in Paris, will cause the mimes to beat you to a pulp with their baguettes.

I wish there were more hours in the day, particularly the part of the day I sleep through.

07-15-2014, 06:25 PM
Genie tried valiantly to grant your wish, but it involved all sorts of orbital physics that are completely beyond Genie's ken, so rather than send the planet spinning at random, Genie decided to make you sleep 23 hours a day. Well, at least now there are more hours in the part of the day you sleep through.

I wish I had a sundial.

jaus tail
07-15-2014, 06:26 PM
Granted. Sleep well.

Denied. I dont have sundial but here's a donald duck watch.

I wish for world peace and by default make me mr. Universe.

07-15-2014, 06:32 PM

Those two things are mutually exclusive. Also, you haven't spent enough time in the gym.

I wish the coffee was working better. :sleepy:

07-15-2014, 06:54 PM
You've been drinking enough coffee on other threads. Wait for it to kick in.

I wish I had a map of the internet.

07-15-2014, 07:32 PM

It is, however, written in a mix of binary and R'lyehian, and I'd be very, very careful how you pronounce some of those syllables.

I wish we could convert the empty office next door into a nap room.

07-15-2014, 07:52 PM
There is no need for that sort of redundancy

I wish some idiot would mail me a lot of money without me having to fill out a bunch of forms the IRS might find.

07-15-2014, 08:58 PM
Genie has the perfect solution:
step A.. take out an envelope.
step 2.. insert as much money as you can.
step 3.. write your address on the envelope.
step 4.. drop into the mail.
step 5.. wait beside mailbox for next delivery.

Wasn't that easy? No forms involved... IRS won't have a clue.

I wish I could write the next Broadway, smash hit, musical.

07-15-2014, 09:06 PM

Disney buys it and screws you out of the royalties, while also completely bastardizing and sanitizing your original vision.

I wish some students would just go away.

07-16-2014, 12:03 AM
Granted. Some students do go away. They are the brains, the most hard-working students, the most creative students, the students who are future leaders in science, the arts, technology, government, medicine and law. You are left with the dregs.

I wish I could invent a new salad dressing that would become a best-selling product and make me rich.

jaus tail
07-16-2014, 12:13 AM
Denied. Salads dont wear dresses. It's bikini season for them.

I wish the rains would sing as they fall.

Hannah M
07-16-2014, 04:04 AM
Granted. Only they are rather flat - worse than cats' choirs, and, of course, the more they sing the more it rains... it's a vicious cycle.

I wish someone else would prepare some fantastic lessons for me to teach tomorrow so I could go to bed.

07-16-2014, 05:22 AM
Um .. granted .. if you go to the old farts tiki lounge, or wharever it is now, I have a great lesson all drawn out there. They'll welcome you there. The safe word for today 'fixodent'

I wish we'd get some new blood in the Old farts bar and grill

07-16-2014, 06:26 AM

But you have to wait until they're old.

I wish I'd written these dates down.

Hannah M
07-17-2014, 02:12 AM
Granted. Now you have lots and lots of dates all over the place... shame you never gave any other details.

I wish I won a free luxurious 5* beach holiday.

07-17-2014, 03:03 AM
Granted. I hear there's a fabulous beach on Mars and it's all yours for 5 days. But the water's since dried up. And it's going to take a reallllly long time to get to.

I wish I had beeswax candles. Lots and lots of beeswax candles.

07-17-2014, 07:22 AM
Granted. You have tons of beeswax candles... however Genie had to make them from scratch, so they are accompanied by an equal volume of angry bees.

I wish candles grew on trees.

07-17-2014, 09:14 AM
Granted. The trees in a neighboring forest are full of candles. You are so thrilled that you take a match and light one of them. The resultant forest fire consumes 500 acres of land, and you are now in custody, awaiting trial.

I wish I could sculpt like Rodin.

jaus tail
07-17-2014, 11:28 PM
Granted. You also look like him. Good luck cleaning that beard.

I wish tigers would eat pizzas instead of zebras.

07-17-2014, 11:45 PM

Unless you want to compete with a tiger for your next pizza.

I wish we could all go home. By which I mean "me."

M.S. Wiggins
07-18-2014, 12:02 AM
Granted, because there's no place like home.

I wish for a hilarious joke.

07-18-2014, 12:11 AM

I give you my social calendar.

Which, admittedly, is less "hilarious" and mostly just a joke. But it's yours, now.

I wish there was a way to get the temporary effects of coffee without the long-term. In other words, I want to be awake now, and not 8 hrs from now.

07-18-2014, 02:09 AM
spill it in your lap.

I wish I could figure out why they call it 'egg salad" when they ain't no lettuce in it.

07-18-2014, 02:57 AM
Granted! Here are some eggs, and yonder is some lettuce. One can be made into egg salad, and the other can be made into a lettuce salad. The difference is obvious, especially if you include a little chopped chicken.

I wish for an egg salad sandwich.

07-18-2014, 03:26 AM
Sure thing, but it's sitting on the top of Mt Everest.

I wish I could sing like the angels.

07-18-2014, 06:30 AM

Though there is the small matter of the necessary precondition for being in the heavenly choir... You were done here on Earth, right?

http://i617.photobucket.com/albums/tt254/slcbostonPB/Smilies/animatedprayersfordeadsmiley.gif (http://s617.photobucket.com/user/slcbostonPB/media/Smilies/animatedprayersfordeadsmiley.gif.html)

I wish I could feel better rested with less sleep.

07-18-2014, 08:50 AM
Granted. Although, the feeling doesn't replace the actual biological need for sleep so although you feel rested, your body is slowly deteriorating. You'll be dead in three years if you keep that schedule up.

I wish my cats could talk (think of all the amazing things they'd say!)

07-18-2014, 09:58 AM
Granted. Your cats can talk. Unfortunately they only speak cat, so all you hear all day long is "Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow..."

I wish for a moondial. That way I could tell if I was getting enough sleep.

jaus tail
07-18-2014, 10:07 AM
Denied, cause mrs. genie said you ate Jerry, her pet mouse. All your wishes are denied from now on.

I wish I were a dinosaur.

07-18-2014, 10:47 AM
Granted. But you lived over 100 million years ago, so you're long past dead now. We may unbury your bones and put them on display in museums, though. You still live on, through educational pamphlets and self guided museum tours!

I wish I had a boatload of chocolate right now.

jaus tail
07-18-2014, 10:49 AM
Granted. But its bad manners to not share chocolate so you must share it with the fishes and octopuses and whales and dolphins...ooh a shark is heading towards you and bam, a hole in your boat and you sink to the bottom. Hope you know how to breathe under water.

I wish when i would walk in the street, people would say, 'there's the guy who saved us from alien invasion.'

07-18-2014, 07:06 PM
Granted! When you walk in the street, people say, 'there's the guy who saved us from alien invasion' .... right before they say 'but let the zombies get us' and run you over with a tank. Shoulda wished to walk on the sidewalk.

I wish I had a tank. Or maybe a tank farm. I'm confused.

jaus tail
07-18-2014, 08:33 PM
Granted. Here's a tank farm. But what will you do with it?

I wish when I walk on the street, girls say, 'My, he's so handsome. Wow! He's awesome.'

07-18-2014, 08:51 PM

You're gay, so it doesn't matter except for your self-esteem.

I wish students would type their responses.

jaus tail
07-18-2014, 08:59 PM
Denied. You think being gay reduces self esteem. Gay genie club bans you from asking any wishes. You turn bald. Your pet dog bites you and your cat has dandruff.

I wish when I walked down the street kids would say, 'there goes our hero, the man who wrestled a bull.'

07-18-2014, 09:09 PM

And then they finish with "... right before the bull gored him. Shame about the colostomy bag."

Also, genie grants you literacy, because if you managed to read gay = lack of self-esteem in that last post, you need to polish your comprehension skills. Anyone's self-esteem can be improved, gay, straight, bi, celibate monk, by being told nice things about themselves. Your motivation, however, was clearly hormonally driven and about sex. The djinn took pity on you, given your clearly less than advanced years, and opted to provide you with a more enlightened path.


I wish I had another pen. This one just ran out of ink.

jaus tail
07-18-2014, 09:14 PM
Denied. Cause genie doesn't like you:)

I wish a dinosaur as a pet, pizza for dinner and lots of money as pocket money.

07-18-2014, 09:22 PM

You have the money, which you use to spend on pizza. You offer a slice to your pet t-rex, who, in a fit of overzealous enthusiasm, eats you. As it is a pet, it does at least feel badly afterwards.

I still need a pen.

07-18-2014, 09:57 PM
Granted. It is in your front yard, is built of pine and measures approximately 20x 20 feet. The Genie has thoughtfully supplied it with four sheep (two of each gender, so they can multiply).

I wish I had a rocking horse.

07-18-2014, 10:00 PM
Huh. Well, free mutton. :D

um... Granted.

Ever read DH Lawrence?

I wish I had a spit for the sheep.

jaus tail
07-18-2014, 11:46 PM
Denied. Why do you want spit for sheep? They deserve pure water.

I wish all the sheep in the world would fight back when the wolf attacks them.

07-19-2014, 01:34 AM
Granted. Now the sheep have become tough. They have grown fangs, and they attack anyone who looks like a wolf, and as a matter of fact, Jaus...

I wish I could dance on a cloud.

jaus tail
07-19-2014, 03:45 PM
Granted. Genie sends an elephant to your house, it'll wrap its trunk around your waist and thwart you to the sky where you can dance on the cloud.

I wish I were the elephant that thwarts Nymtoc to the sky.

Hannah M
07-20-2014, 08:29 PM
Granted. But then the fanged sheep attack. Close your eyes, everyone, it's not pretty.

I wish I had a guard-sheep. One of the fanged ones, who has sworn loyalty to me.

M.S. Wiggins
07-21-2014, 12:33 AM
Granted, at least until breeding season. Then, you might want to run from your guardian.

I wish I had all the answers to everything.

07-21-2014, 01:50 AM
You are going to file the damned things in some sort of order

I wish I had a platypus pelt

M.S. Wiggins
07-21-2014, 02:24 AM
Granted, but only after you soft-boil a platypus egg for me (3-minute soft-boil, please).

I wish octopus had more civil rights.

07-21-2014, 09:28 PM
Granted, but in exchange humans will have to procreate with them.

I wish there was a way to donate calories.

07-21-2014, 10:00 PM
Granted. Procreation with octopi results in calories leaving your body for theirs.

Cough. Genie is disturbed by this imagery.

I wish there was a way to clear the mind of the last few moments of imagery.

Hannah M
07-22-2014, 01:12 AM
Granted. A fifteen minute dunk in the lake should do it. Or overdo it.

I wish my mobile (cell phone :) ) battery wouldn't die.

07-22-2014, 01:43 AM
The Genie wishes it would. I have more damned wishes about cell phones than a Genie should have to put up with. I wish my cell phone worked here ... I wish my cell phone worked there ... I wish my cell wouldn't die when I drop it in the bathtub ... whine ... whine ... whine. I wish they would ALL die so life would be so much better in the bottle.

I which I had a peanut butter and mustard sandwhich

07-22-2014, 01:49 AM
Granted! but Genie is fresh out of bread, so smears the peanut butter and mustard on your cellphone. You now have the desired sandwich, AND your cellphone is dead! two wishes for the price of one!

I wish my cellphone wasn't so damn annoying.

Hannah M
07-22-2014, 02:41 AM
Granted! New ringtone, birds, sea, wind... bliss

I wish I could wish for something really clever that no-one would be able to twist.

07-22-2014, 04:31 AM
Granted. The wish has been delivered to your cell phone. Too bad your cell phone got crushed by a tractor and mangled by a garbage truck and thrown off a bridge and is now at the bottom of a lake. (It's exactly the wish you wanted, though. :D)

I wish I could make myself invisible.

07-22-2014, 06:01 AM

Because I brought these for everyone above wishing for attack sheep.

http://i617.photobucket.com/albums/tt254/slcbostonPB/demotivational-posters-this.jpg (http://s617.photobucket.com/user/slcbostonPB/media/demotivational-posters-this.jpg.html)

Be careful what you wish for, folks.

As for me? I wish... I wish... I wish the goblins would come and carry you away. Right now.

Hannah M
07-22-2014, 08:50 PM
Granted. Yay! These are nice goblins! They're taking me on holiday! Thanks, slc!

I wish all the disturbing sheep that have been coming up would turn into slugs.

07-22-2014, 08:59 PM

But they retain the same mass as when they were sheep. (Djinn's powers of transmogrification only go so far. The cardboard box is getting old.) You get to clean up the slime trails.

I wish I could find my motivation for today.

Hannah M
07-22-2014, 09:15 PM
Granted. Giant alien slugs who finally vacate earth leaving a grey, slimy planet. Here's a mop.

I wish I could write a book in one evening. And get a publishing company to publish it. And earn a lot of money from it. £1m would be nice :)

07-22-2014, 09:55 PM

Then you are sued for both libel and plagiarism, and wind up owing twice what you made.

I wish I could fast-forward through work.

07-22-2014, 10:07 PM
It's tough to replace the sheep who work for us. We like the once who wish, as long as it doesn't interrupt the routine.

I was I cold make strawberry jam with the blueberries I picked this morning,

07-22-2014, 10:57 PM
Granted. Using red dye and a packet of strawberry flavoring you crush the blueberries and make jam that fools people. (Research has shown that people can be deceived by colors--for example, when served brown-colored vanilla ice cream, many will swear it's chocolate. ;))

I wish I could play the zither.

07-22-2014, 11:33 PM

But you dither away your zither lessons and eventually forget it all.

I wish my students would finish this assignment quickly.

Hannah M
07-23-2014, 02:43 AM
Granted. In fact, they enjoyed it so much that they did four different versions each and expect you to mark it for tomorrow. Enjoy!

I wish I hadn't volunteered to put together a video tonight for tomorrow. I'm tired!

07-23-2014, 09:39 AM
Granted. But your volunteering was part of your boss's evaluation program, and since you didn't volunteer (the Genie wiped that out), you will be found to lack initiative and will be fired.

I wish I knew how to make a cheese soufflé.

jaus tail
07-23-2014, 03:15 PM
Granted. Here's the recipe.

Preheat oven to 200°C by putting it in sun. Steal a tray from neighbor and put it tray in the oven to preheat.

Put some breadcrumbs in some ramekins, and put the dish in washing machine so it rotates.

Tilt it upside down and eat excess crumbs. Don't be greedy here and eat all the crumbs.

Go to your math teacher's house and set her car on fire. Use the fire to melt some butter. Go to market and steal some flour packets. Throw them in the fire on the molten butter.

Go to a circus, say hi to your mother in law inside the cage and borrow the whip from her ring master. Use it to whisk the butter and flour.

Add some cheese, mustard and pepper and watch it boil. Take some selfies and shoot the video of neighbor burning in fire. Put it on youtube.

Go to poultry, squeeze the hen's abs to get some eggs. Either remove yolk and put them or if you're too lazy, dump the eggs in the mixture. Put some salt if you can afford.

Remember your science teacher has a giraffe. Chop the giraffe's legs and use it to mix the mixture.

Go to a psychic. She'll tell you when the mixture will be ready. Once it's ready, add the cheese mixture to the ramekins and smooth the tops. Have sex with your wife's sister. Run your finger around the inside rim(of the cheese mixture).

Place this stuff on some bowl and put rat poison in it. Then serve it to your neighbors.

I wish I were iron man.

07-23-2014, 06:41 PM

You do all the ironing for your community. It is a thankless, unpaid job, except once a year, when they give you a new iron. (If you meant the one from Marvel Comics, I'm sorry, but not only is that protected by fierce lawyers - and even the powers of a djinn have limits - but also it's a proper noun and should be capitalized. Since you did not, it seems fair to surmise you meant something else.)

I wish I had time for a nice massage.

07-23-2014, 06:54 PM
Granted. You have time, but all the legitimate masseurs are busy. You say that's why you went to a massage parlor in the red light district? Too bad the cops raided it while you were there.

I wish I had a Duesenberg.

07-23-2014, 06:59 PM
I've got a Dusie for you ... A priest, a monkey and a duck walk into a bar (brb ... got to recheck the rest)

I wish I had a microphone

07-23-2014, 07:31 PM
Granted! You have the microphone at the kareoke bar. Music coaches sit just beyond the footlights, armed with tasers to encourage you to sing your best. Uh-oh...

I wish I could sing without making the dogs howl.

07-23-2014, 07:31 PM
So his performance was electrifying?


Now the cats are the ones responding.

I wish I had a dollar for every bad pun I've made.

07-23-2014, 08:14 PM
Granted. Be aware that the Pun Fine has been increased to Two Dollars per pun.

I wish I'd get paid for breathing.

jaus tail
07-23-2014, 08:47 PM
Granted. You're so rich you got mugged by a gang that beat you black, blue, red and green.

I wish I were a sharp shooter.

Hannah M
07-23-2014, 10:08 PM
Granted. You've just shot yourself in the foot.

I wish I was a bit taller.

jaus tail
07-23-2014, 10:30 PM
Granted. You're new name is 'A Bit Taller.'

I wish I were a cow who wears lipstick, wags her tail and sings,
'Moo moo,
moo moo moo,
moo moo,
moo moo moo...'

Hannah M
07-23-2014, 11:22 PM
Granted. You are so unique that everyone wants to see you so you are stuck in a small cage at the zoo with cameras zooming in on your every MOOve and tail swish, broadcasting the latest reality show across the world. Sing into the mike, if you please!

I wish my name could go back to what it was before. I liked it better that way. I acknowledge now that my previous wish was very silly and I humbly request a reverse wish. Please?

07-23-2014, 11:45 PM
Granted. Your name is Hannah M. Ftnywxipeichoeyhinpqb. (Computer problem. Don't blame the Genie.)

I wish I had world enough and time.

07-24-2014, 12:03 AM
Granted. You have time. It's moving forward at the pace of one second per second.

I wish cars were cheap!

Hannah M
07-24-2014, 12:21 AM
Granted! A nice car, all for $0.99. It doesn't have to work, does it?
[was gonna do the typical 'there's a toystore' one. is this one much better?]

I wish everyone would finally recognise my greatness.

jaus tail
07-24-2014, 12:57 AM
Hilarious. Genie can't stop laughing. You humans have nice humour.

I wish cats would fight elephants outside my house and entertain me.

07-24-2014, 11:48 AM
Granted. Your frontyard now looks like an elephant's graveyard. Stink included. And you are now sued for mistreating animals, killing an endangered spiecie and traffic of ivory.

I wish cats didn't shed everywhere.

07-24-2014, 11:58 AM
Granted. They don't shed everywhere, just all over your house.

I wish I could catch a falling star.

07-24-2014, 03:51 PM
You should get one any time now. Bye the way, have you ever seen meteor crater?

I wish I could find the rest of the hamburger I was eating last week.

07-24-2014, 04:09 PM
It's been a week. Hamburger finds YOU. Shoulda wished for something without long green fangs.

I wish I had an endless supply of fresh beef.

jaus tail
07-24-2014, 04:52 PM
Denied. Cows are my best friends n I won't betray them.

I wish pigs would do tap dance outside my house and entertain me.

07-24-2014, 05:42 PM
Granted. They've been dancing for several hours now, but after you started telling people about it, a van pulled up and medics took you away. Too bad the pigs aren't dancing outside the mental hospital.

I wish I had a waffle.

Hannah M
07-24-2014, 07:06 PM
Granted. You have a waffle; you don't stop waffling on about anything under the Sun. In fact, you waffle on so much that you run out of voice and just go on waffling soundlessly and everyone assumes you are a crazy lunatic. You now share a room with JT.

I wish it wasn't so humid.

jaus tail
07-24-2014, 07:45 PM
Granted. Genie sends blizzard to your house.

I wish I weren't so intelligent.

M.S. Wiggins
07-25-2014, 01:17 AM
Granted. Shit! Now I have all your knowledge.

I wish for mercy.

Hannah M
07-25-2014, 02:46 AM
Granted. You are now so merciful that everyone can take advantage of you and you just have mercy and do whatever they want. Hello, doormat!

I wish I had a pet tiger (vegan)

07-25-2014, 07:03 PM

You now have a pet tiger who only eats vegans. ... That is what you meant, right?

I wish I'd had more for breakfast.

jaus tail
07-25-2014, 08:42 PM
Granted. Genie assumed you mean more food. So now you had more food and can't get out of the door. You're stuck, enjoy resting in the house for the rest of your life.

I wish my math teacher falls from the window, her butt hits a cactus and the street dogs eat her alive.

07-25-2014, 09:22 PM
Granted. Thanks to surveillance cameras, there is unmistakable proof that you pushed her out the window. You are arrested, and what happens to you next is something the Genie does not care to imagine.

I wish I could play the tuba.

07-25-2014, 09:55 PM
You also have a new job as a musical greeter at Walmart.

I wish the trees I'm cutting down would fall down in a predictable direction. I'm tired of buying new cars every day.

07-25-2014, 10:43 PM

They fall wherever you park your car. Or stand. Your choice.

I wish I was home with a drink.

07-26-2014, 07:13 PM
Granted. You are at home, and the Genie has provided you with a big glass of airag, a Mongolian drink consisting of mare's milk left in a dead cow's stomach for several days to ferment. Mmmmm.

I wish I could come up with a plot that nobody ever thought of before.

07-26-2014, 07:25 PM
Genie attempts to grant this wish, but once Genie thinks of the plot for you, someone has thought of it before you (even if it's only Genie). Genie instead grants you a lightly used plot... only one body has been buried in it.

I wish Nymtoc would think up better plots. The zombies are rising from his old ones.

jaus tail
07-26-2014, 07:33 PM
Denied. Genie can't make someone else think. Whatever you want, the subject of the wish must be you.

I wish a hippopotamus would fall on my babysitter.

07-26-2014, 09:18 PM
Hmm. The subject of the wish must be you? Well, okay, Genie will do its best... Granted, under the above condition: A hippopotamus falls on jaus tail.

I wish only good things would happen to me.

jaus tail
07-26-2014, 09:21 PM
Granted. But like they say, he who want sunshine all the time, also lives in the desert all the time. So, you don't get to see the entire world in your life.

I wish to see a battle between an elephant and a hippopotamus.

07-26-2014, 10:28 PM

You have ringside seats. Which prove to be way, way too close. On the plus side, you're a whole lot thinner now, though I don't think being crushed by both an elephant and a hippo will catch on as a new health plan.

I wish these downloads would go faster.

07-27-2014, 01:23 AM
Granted! Here's a copy of Getright (http://www.getright.com/).

I wish people would believe me when I make a shameless plug.

07-27-2014, 01:36 AM
Granted. People believe you as much as they believe anything else you say. :roll:

I wish I had a theme park.

Hannah M
07-27-2014, 03:43 PM
Granted. The theme is mud and you get to roll in it all day. This mud also attracts the aforementioned hippo who also wants to roll in it all day. You must now spend all your time trying to avoid it.

I wish I had a hippo sandwich for lunch.

07-27-2014, 04:03 PM
Denied! The World Wildlife Federation has been informed of your wish. It has been repeated on Twitter, and you can expect to be besieged with angry messages (and a few threats) from animal lovers for many years to come.

I wish I had a three-cornered hat.

07-27-2014, 04:06 PM
You can't put a square peg in a triangular hole

I wish I had three blue marbles

07-27-2014, 05:02 PM

*Drops three of the Elgin Marbles on you.*

*spray-paints them blue*

There you go.

I wish the rain would hold off until I'm done driving.

jaus tail
07-27-2014, 06:15 PM
Granted. All the rains are diverted to my neighborhood. Your driving never stops as you're stuck in traffic, it rains forever in my lane.

I wish it would rain so much, that mermaids and dolphins would swim in my neighborhood.

Hannah M
07-27-2014, 07:53 PM
Granted. The dolphins and mermaids both fall in love with you and decide to be ice and share you. You are now divided in half.

I wish I visited the moon and found a lake with mermaids there. But no dolphins.

jaus tail
07-27-2014, 09:20 PM
Granted. On 28th July, at 7 in the morning when you will step out of the house to pick the newspaper a rhino will run towards you and bash you with his horn thwarting you high in the sky beyond all the neighboring houses right in aunt sandy's stable. An Arabian horse awaits you. He will kick you to moon. Make sure you carry this anti dolphin spray, so you may kill all the dolphins in the lake.

I wish someone would produce a movie with me as super hero.

Hannah M
07-28-2014, 09:53 PM
Denied. Genie can't find a producer willing to put his name in the mud by producing such a rotten movie.

I wish I was a super hero (in real life!)