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Reziac
03-04-2014, 03:23 AM
Granted. You now control the tides on the cubical Earth.

I wish I knew what THAT does to the tides!



(On second thought I think I just turned you into the cubical Moon.)

arcan
03-04-2014, 11:22 AM
Granted. You're now in charge of moving the tides on the cubical earth.
I wish I could sit on the border of the cubical earth and look on the other side

SuspiciousCookie
03-04-2014, 03:53 PM
Granted. But along with that comes the duty of moving the tides on the cubical Earth.

I wish everything were explosive :D:evil

Reziac
03-04-2014, 05:54 PM
Granted! We've all been returned to the time of the Big Bang. Well, now we know whether the theory is correct or not. (Where's the kaboom?? What do you mean, it's a 'dud'?!)

I wish it weren't a dud.

SuspiciousCookie
03-04-2014, 05:58 PM
Granted. The Big Bang is now a dude.

I wish we'd live in a time with laser guns.

urbanwriter13
03-04-2014, 08:04 PM
Wish granted but the only technology we have are laser guns, everything else is demolished -- no satellites, no internet, nothing.

I wish I could understand what my cat is saying...

thedark
03-04-2014, 10:52 PM
Denied. Genie is in league with the cats.

Against you.

I wish I chickens in my backyard.

SuspiciousCookie
03-04-2014, 11:03 PM
Granted. You now run around like a chicken in your backyard.

I wish school subjects that no man needs would be voluntary.

arcan
03-05-2014, 12:35 AM
Granted. You're volutarily designed to take all school subjects that no man needs.
I wish school were interesting

SuspiciousCookie
03-05-2014, 12:40 AM
Granted. School no longer tells, it only shows.

I wish life weren't such a prison.

arcan
03-05-2014, 12:49 AM
denied. You're already free to go everywhere you want in your 3*3 cell.
I wish I were immortal

SuspiciousCookie
03-05-2014, 12:51 AM
Granted. Your name is now 'Immortal.' You die at the age of 83.

I wish cookies were transparent.

arcan
03-05-2014, 12:53 AM
granted. no one can see you.
i wish I had a nice choco cookie to eat

SuspiciousCookie
03-05-2014, 01:18 AM
Wait. Where was the disadvantage in that? How is being completely invisible bad? :D

Granted. You now have a nice choco cookie to eat. But as soon as genie leaves him in your hands, he is out of genie's control. He struggles, breaks free and escapes.

I wish my life weren't so depressing.

arcan
03-05-2014, 01:29 AM
Denied. Being invisible, you've been reduced to crumbs by people bumping into you. No sensible genie would grant a wish to a pile of crumbs. (now you see don't you? Although no one sees you...)
I wish I had tons of money

Blinkk
03-05-2014, 01:47 AM
Granted. You're the first person to make the world's largest penny. It weights a ton, but it's still only worth one cent. Luckily, you now have a Guinness award.

I wish I could do a backflip.

urbanwriter13
03-05-2014, 07:00 AM
Granted but now you can only move place to place by backflipping.

I wish I were a witch.

arcan
03-05-2014, 12:23 PM
Granted. You now have a big nose, awfull skin problems and the worst black dress. And you can do only one spell : you can stirr your soup magically.

I wish I knew a sympathetic genie

sprogspasser
03-05-2014, 02:14 PM
Granted. "There, there. Can I get you a cup of tea?"

I wish this lesson in humility would end.

jaus tail
03-05-2014, 07:42 PM
Granted. Let's start math. Open your books kids, today we learn fractional division.

I wish my math teacher got pneumonia.

Reziac
03-05-2014, 07:48 PM
Granted! It has become a lesson in subservience instead. Down on your knees, vassal!!
ETA: okay, flat on your back instead. I'm not picky.

I wish I were king of all I survey. (And had a surveyor's license.)

thedark
03-05-2014, 08:10 PM
Granted. Angel invites you over. She likes your attitude. She also has a day job at the County issuing licenses to deserving masters.

I wish vassal was a commonly used term. It has such a nice ring to it.

arcan
03-05-2014, 08:30 PM
Granted. Now every inanimated object is called "vassal".
I wish that when I ask for a vassal I get the right vassal and not a vassal

Reziac
03-05-2014, 09:30 PM
Genie is again confused. You want the right vessel and not the left vessel? What's that about a rising tide lifts all boats? Genie decides to grant your wish by throwing you off the pier, so you are among all the vessels, right or left.

I wish I had a boat.

iLion
03-05-2014, 09:33 PM
You got it, Reziac. Here is a terrific little gravy boat.. all yours. :D

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I wish I had a three masted sail boat.

arcan
03-05-2014, 09:52 PM
Granted. You now have a 60yards long three masted sail boat... in a 65 yards long bottle.

I wish I had a 60 yards long bottle full of wine

iLion
03-05-2014, 10:16 PM
Shazaam!! You got it!

Your bottle of wine stands 180 feet tall, which means you're gonna need a crane and a v-e-r-y large cork screw to get to it. Next wish maybe, huh?

I wish I liked wine.

SuspiciousCookie
03-05-2014, 10:33 PM
Granted! You now like to whine. And you do it. A lot.

I wish life were more interesting.

iLion
03-05-2014, 10:41 PM
You got it, SC!

Your life is SO interesting now that you hardly can take a breath. You got fired from work, your car wouldn't start, you were mugged walking home, had a goodbye note from your spouse who left you today, she left you with all seven kids, all of whom are home and very sick, and the landlord is at the door waiting to get that rent check you didn't send the previous month! And it's only 10am on the first day of this great new life!

Life is definitely interesting now, eh? :D

I wish I was an archaeologist digging in the Andes.

arcan
03-05-2014, 10:55 PM
granted. Someone named an old cheese "Andes". You're now a mouse.

I wish I had a cat

SuspiciousCookie
03-05-2014, 11:35 PM
Granted! You now have a cat. Unfortunately, your last genie transformation backfired: You are now a mouse, too.

I wish school weren't a thing.

Poetic_Justice
03-08-2014, 03:35 AM
G R A N T E D

School? What the hell is school? Unfortunately, now that everyone is uneducated the world is falling into anarchy.

O O P S!

I wish work was easier.

Reziac
03-08-2014, 04:41 AM
Granted. You are now unemployed. Nothing easier, eh?

I wish I wasn't the only one around here with sense enough to ditch out the road that's flooded out front.

Koulentis
03-08-2014, 12:01 PM
Granted! You now have no sense at all.

I wish Girl Scout Cookies were available year-round.

Jett.
03-08-2014, 12:48 PM
Granted. Girl Scout Cookies are now all in the shape of round years.

Makes same sense as "a couple of handfuls of years (http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?t=286283)", I guess.

I wish teeth wouldn't decay...

sprogspasser
03-08-2014, 02:33 PM
Granted. Your teeth fall out and perfectly preserved ... in an air tight bottle for all eternity.

I wish I didn't live in a bubble.

Robbert
03-08-2014, 03:27 PM
Granted. Sell in May and go away.


I wish I could turn my bungalow into a castle.

Reziac
03-08-2014, 05:30 PM
Granted! Your bungalow has been torn down and replaced by a sand castle. Better wish for a drought.

I wish the drought was over.

thedark
03-08-2014, 06:45 PM
Granted. You've been relocated to Malaysia. It's Monsoon season, isn't it?

I wish people would stop trying to get me to go to Malaysia. It's not going to happen.

sprogspasser
03-08-2014, 07:12 PM
Granted. This is an easy one to grant since it's not Malaysia people are trying to get you into ;)

I wish my bed never needed making up.

Jett.
03-08-2014, 08:04 PM
Granted, your bed will never have fights.

I wish I made a cool wish.

jaus tail
03-08-2014, 08:42 PM
Denied. I can't think for you. But I'm glad you didn't make any material wishes nor any desires to change your past. Here's a man who's content with his life. If only people were content with their lives, and let go of their regrets and silly demands, could we genies go on vacations. Sigh.

I wish I had wings from my shoulders like hawkman.

sprogspasser
03-09-2014, 04:50 PM
Denied. We don't encourage plagiarism at this site. Hawkman already got there. Get some originality to get your wings.

I wish I had the map to the well of immortality.

arcan
03-09-2014, 05:25 PM
Granted. But it's all written in Klingon.
I wish I could speak Klingon

thedark
03-09-2014, 06:50 PM
Granted. It is now all you speak. Have fun.

I wish I could walk through fire with no ill-effects.

arcan
03-09-2014, 07:07 PM
Granted. You're now the healthy and only inhabitant of a small planet called "the sun"...
I wish it were summer.

armydillo978
03-10-2014, 05:18 AM
Granted. It's approaching "summer" time on the sun. You've been given a free ticket from Price-Line to the sun with "thedark" waiting for you at the terminal. Your name is on the sign.

I wish I could walk on water.

jaus tail
03-10-2014, 07:27 AM
Granted. But a greedy, smelly guy with greasy hair and long moustahce saw the fortune in you and captured you in his tent. Now you're a circus show, where the audience throws tomatoes and rotten eggs to trigger your walk, on the water.

I wishes me grammer was more good than it is.

shakeysix
03-10-2014, 07:41 AM
Granted. Your gramma has promised to stop her tequila binges and topless dancing at the local cantina. She also promises to quit slapping your grampa around the double wide.

I wish I had a dollar for every time I had to play and people sat there drunk. In fact I wish I'd never get stuck in Lodi again.

Reziac
03-10-2014, 08:12 AM
Granted. You're stuck in Folsom Prison instead.

I wish I could see the sunrise every morning.

thedark
03-10-2014, 08:19 AM
Granted. You are now a small lighthouse stuck alone in the ocean. You see the sunrise, along with towering waves that threaten to wash you away. :)

I wish folks always paid it forward, like I do. Smooch.

jaus tail
03-10-2014, 09:52 AM
Denied. You see genie has been living in solitude all his life, there aren't many genies around you see, I being the only one. Could you teach genie how to smooch, only for professional reasons, so genie can execute your wise. I mean we wouldn't want unsatisfactory customers right, if you could teach genie as in me, how to smooch, then it'd be great way for me to work towards your wish.

I wish I'd have a batmobile.

Jett.
03-10-2014, 10:47 AM
Granted. You can now use your baseball bat to make phone calls.

I wish printer cartridges contained cornucopias of ink.

jaus tail
03-10-2014, 12:19 PM
Granted. But genie is short of red ink, how about I use your blood! Hahahahaha...your blood, omg, your blood, yes, how does that sound, heh, you annoying l'il brat. grrr...gimme your blood, where's that smile now eh, how will it look with all the blood drained off your cheeks, you'll look a ghost, like my mother in law...hahaha

I wish I could get out of this mental asylum.

sprogspasser
03-10-2014, 03:28 PM
Granted. You are released from the confining boundary of the mental asylum into the wider asylum aka the world.

I wish I was mad so I could fit in.

arcan
03-10-2014, 03:43 PM
Granted. You're now mad... at your playfull Genie

I wish everybody were happy

Jett.
03-10-2014, 04:46 PM
Sadly denied, because that wish would kill this thread, Genie would lose their job and become unhappy, thus everybody wouldn't be happy, resulting in a wish paradox and a resetting of the wish. :Shrug:

I wish I could type faster.

thedark
03-10-2014, 05:26 PM
Granted. In fact, you've already done it. F-A-S-T-E-R. Done.

I wish my clocks would have reset themselves. Sigh. Does genie do retroactive wishes?

sprogspasser
03-10-2014, 06:34 PM
Denied. Your clocks came with a single lifetime guarantee. The rewinding is very painful in any case.

I wish I knew if I did retroactive wishes.

arcan
03-10-2014, 10:05 PM
Agreed. Yes you did. Now you've just tried to change it. No you didn't. You don't have to cha.. Yest you did ... No you.... And you're stuck in an infinite time loop maybe wishing for a retroactive wish?

I wish I could time travel

Reziac
03-10-2014, 10:45 PM
Granted. Somebody's got to go back and straighten out all those retroactive wishes!

I wish daylight saving time would go away.

thedark
03-10-2014, 10:47 PM
Granted, purely for straightening out the mess I started.

Of course, that'll create a mess of its own.. what time is it now, if we undo it?

I wish I could ride an elephant today.

arcan
03-11-2014, 01:38 AM
Granted but with the daylight saving mess, there is no daylight anymore, so when does today start?

I wish every day were a weekend day

Robbert
03-11-2014, 03:04 PM
Granted. Henceforth, the seven days of the week shall be called: Saturday, Sunday, Sonday, Suesday, Sednesday, Shursday and Sriday. Phew, next time just wish for an unlimited supply of €€€'s.


I wish wisdom could be obtained without training.

sprogspasser
03-11-2014, 03:16 PM
Granted. The ghost of Norman Wisdom (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Norman_Wisdom) is on his way to your home.

I wish I wasn't so angry.

thedark
03-11-2014, 04:42 PM
Granted. Watch the Hamster Dance (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1qN72LEQnaU) a few dozen times, and you won't be anymore. Or even once.

I wish I could fit a Great Pyrenees (https://www.google.com/search?q=great+pyrenees&espv=210&es_sm=93&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ei=iwQfU4-1IsLWyQGprYGwDA&sqi=2&ved=0CAcQ_AUoAQ&biw=1572&bih=917&dpr=0.9) in my apartment.

Jett.
03-11-2014, 05:25 PM
Denied (just for change, coz if Genie always grants, where is the suspense?). But you could watch Belle et Sebastien (https://www.google.com/search?q=great+pyrenees&espv=210&es_sm=93&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ei=iwQfU4-1IsLWyQGprYGwDA&sqi=2&ved=0CAcQ_AUoAQ&biw=1572&bih=917&dpr=0.9#newwindow=1&q=belle+et+sebastien+cartoon&tbm=isch).

I wish I could fit a swimming pool my apartment.

Reziac
03-11-2014, 07:15 PM
Denied! What did you think the bathtub was for, anyway??

I wish for a heated bathtub. Not the water, just the tub.

Jett.
03-11-2014, 08:00 PM
Granted. Your bathtub is now being warmed up. Just remember to take out the pig before filling the tub with water and to feed the animal once a day.

I wish my bathtub were big enough to swim in it.

sprogspasser
03-11-2014, 08:11 PM
Granted. Most of your bathtub now sticks out of the window of your bathroom.

I wish I turned into a eagle and flew far far away.

jaus tail
03-11-2014, 08:12 PM
Granted. You've been shrunk to thumbelina. Enjoy swimming.

Denied, but here I pulled my baseball bat back and swung it against thy backside, sending you flying off towards the farthest line of oak trees.

I wish I could turn into a wolf at will.

Reziac
03-11-2014, 08:15 PM
Genie becomes confused due to multiple simultaneous wishes, so turns jaus tail into an eagle and sprogspasser into a wolf. That is what you wanted, right??

I wish I had a pig farm.

jaus tail
03-11-2014, 08:19 PM
Denied. Pigs slipped in coma from your stench. Aa, your stench is more powerful than the semi phenomenal mystical powers of genie. Aa, genie going crazy, aa the stench, aa.

I wish my cat would bathe itself in the washing machine, then hang on the laundry line every Sunday.

arcan
03-11-2014, 08:24 PM
Granted. Your cat committed suicide by hanging himself. Your house is now haunted every sunday by the ghost of a cat playing in the washing maching then hanging itself again...

I wish cats didn't like water (they do, don't they?)

Koulentis
03-12-2014, 12:19 PM
Granted! Cats now prefer to drink tequila.

I wish there were less commercials on TV.

jaus tail
03-12-2014, 02:15 PM
Granted. You've been piled with work, leaving you no time to watch TV.

I wish my I could extract spikes from my arms at will and shoot them at intended targets.

arcan
03-12-2014, 03:32 PM
Denied. This has already been copyrighted by Marvel. Genie doesn't want to be sued.

I wish lawyers were not needed anymore.

sprogspasser
03-15-2014, 03:04 PM
Granted. However the bar association took you to court over this. Unfortunately you do not have a lawyer to represent you, them being not needed. You lost through defaulting and lawyers are back - so denied. Now I'm confused - I need a lawyer to untangle this mess.

Reziac
03-15-2014, 07:33 PM
Denied! Er, on second thought, granted...

I wish I was the judge at sprogspasser's trial.

Koulentis
03-17-2014, 07:06 AM
Granted! You can judge sprogspasser's (aka Ace Hood) Trial & Tribulations on iTunes.

I wish Night Court was back on TV.

Reziac
03-17-2014, 07:48 AM
Granted! You have been shipped back to 1984, so you can watch Night Court from the beginning.

I wish I knew how that worked, so I could watch Stargate again from the beginning.

thedark
03-17-2014, 08:16 AM
Granted. A wormhole now takes you too close to a solar flare, and you join Koulentis back in 1984.

I wish it was more socially acceptable to wear bell-bottom jeans, headbands and sparkly sticker jewelry on my forehead.

Reziac
03-17-2014, 08:28 AM
Granted. You are transported to 1969, where your attire is quite ordinary.

I wish I had a leather jacket with spikes on the shoulders.

Koulentis
03-17-2014, 09:08 AM
Granted! You've been transported back to 1981 and you're a post-apocalyptic extra in The Road Warrior.

Thanks for transporting me back to 1984. I'm enjoying Night Court, but wish I had remembered my TiVo.

sprogspasser
03-17-2014, 02:16 PM
Granted. You remember your TiVo fondly and often. You miss it terribly at times. At times you're inconsolable and the only thing that takes you away from your grief, at such times, is watching Night Court.

I wish I knew why they called it bell bottoms? Did they ring with each step?

Reziac
03-17-2014, 07:37 PM
Granted, as the answer is probably over in the "BS your way through (http://absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?t=53924)" thread. See you in a couple months.

I wish sprogspasser had a better explanation.

jaus tail
03-17-2014, 07:45 PM
Granted. Sprog was crossing the road when a car hit him, throwing him off the road, towards a street pole where his head struck the thick metal with a clang sound. That's when a lightening struck the pole and Sprog's brain became what you think it is. Of course no one knows whether the lightening made Sprog crazy or the world. It's all relative.

I wish I could call lightnings at will and hurl it at opponents.

arcan
03-17-2014, 09:47 PM
Granted. You can do exactly that. The downsize is that the lightning first has to fall on you. And you're not imune to it. OWWWW THAT HURTS!!! (every single time) you spend one month in an hospital to recover).

I wish I were immune to lightnings

Koulentis
03-18-2014, 05:15 AM
Granted! You are now immune to lightnings and all other forms of electricity. Stick your finger in an electric socket. You'll be fine. Trust Genie.

I wish I had discovered electricity.

sprogspasser
03-19-2014, 06:44 PM
Denied. Will people stop wishing for the time travel machine please. That wish is all used up.

I wish I had a time travel machine.

Reziac
03-19-2014, 07:06 PM
Granted. Your time travel machine takes you back in time, to before time machines were invented...<***POOF***> Oh dear. It'll take you a few years to get back to the present. Or is that your future. Or... Genie's brain hurts.

I wish I could solve the time-travel paradox.

jaus tail
03-19-2014, 08:16 PM
Denied. The algorithm to decode that paradox is too vast to fit in your brain. Here, play with this book titled, '101 Riddles To Smarten Your Kid.'

I wish I had fur on my arms like a super testosterone charged alpha-male.

sprogspasser
03-19-2014, 11:07 PM
Denied. You only have enough fur to cover one appendage. I don't want to subject people around you to the sight of a bald tail. There have been enough complaints already.

I wish I didn't have a wish.

parakeety
03-19-2014, 11:31 PM
Granted. I mean, denied. I mean, granted. I mean -



I wish paradoxes didn't exist.

sprogspasser
03-19-2014, 11:49 PM
Denied. Clever paraketty but genie spotted that. If genie granted your wish and paradoxes didn't exist then genie couldn't have granted your wish that genie just did.

I wish all paradoxes had an exit clause.

parakeety
03-19-2014, 11:56 PM
Denied! If paradoxes had exit clauses then one could exit the paradox thereby causing the paradox to enter its own which-came-first-the-paradox-or-the-escape-clause paradox.


I wish.... that I had the moves like Jagger.

arcan
03-20-2014, 12:52 AM
Granted. Genie doesn't know why you want them to, but everyone called Mr our Mrs Move now likes Jagger.

I wish that the series I like to watch didn't stop after first or second season.

Koulentis
03-20-2014, 09:54 AM
Granted! You now like Major League Baseball's World Series. It's been going strong for 111 seasons.

I wish I was better at baseball.

sprogspasser
03-21-2014, 03:39 PM
Granted. However to collect this wish you'll have to do 100 star jumps and sprints a day for a year.

I wish I someone would write my book for me.

PorterStarrByrd
03-21-2014, 05:54 PM
Denied !!! this is getting tiring. I just finished your coloring book for you and almost out of crayons so I couldn't write a book that would look it was something you wrote.


I wish I could find my buggywhip

Sketti
03-21-2014, 06:07 PM
Granted: You get a phone call from Mistress Youchies at Madame Dominastra's Dungeon of Pain and Pleasure, you've been a naughty writer and will have to be punished before you can get it back.

I wish I could pull off leather and corsets...

thedark
03-21-2014, 07:03 PM
Granted. You are now Madame Sketti, and duly employed at the Dungeon of Pain and Pleasure. And you look good.

I wish there was less competition for my master in this town. His club, Inferno, is clearly superior to that new place, the Dungeon. Or perhaps I should go over there and see for myself... wonder if he'd get upset about that... ~ Angel

sprogspasser
03-21-2014, 07:25 PM
Denied. New place? Pfaugh! Who wants new. The connoisseur know that it is at its best when ripe and just going rotten.

I wish people were more discerning. That they knew the difference between pure fire and a hole in the ground.

Reziac
03-21-2014, 07:35 PM
Genie is uncertain which people you mean, so decided it means sprogspasser at the very least. Genie then looked into a hole in the ground and observed fire, so clearly there is no difference to be confused over. Genie then remembered that some people can't tell their ass from a hole in the ground, so decided to grant you the ability to distinguish the two. All this decision-making is making Genie's brain hurt again.

I wish I had a fence post that was labeled

TOTI
EMUL
ESTO

sprogspasser
03-21-2014, 07:50 PM
Partly granted. A fence post, a pot of paint and brush are in the post to you. Label it yourself since genie can not be bothered to work out what toti you are after.

I wish I could work the anagram

Koulentis
03-22-2014, 01:03 AM
Red Tang! Unfortunately, this might be INDICATORY of an obsession. You'll have to use a different resource to find out.

I wish I had some Tang drink mix.

Jett.
03-22-2014, 01:08 AM
Denied. Bar is closed, and Genie is not moonlighting as a bartender.

I wish Genie would make Happy Hour.

Reziac
03-22-2014, 01:29 AM
Granted. Can we watch? this sounds ... ahem. Where is Porter when we need him??

I wish I had a mule to tie to my fence post.

sprogspasser
03-22-2014, 02:54 AM
Denied. Can't think why you'd want to tie a drug smuggler to your post and what gene can't work out, genie does not grant.

I wish ignorance really was bliss.

arcan
03-22-2014, 12:11 PM
Denied. Can't think why you'd want to tie a drug smuggler to your post and what gene can't work out, genie does not grant.

I wish ignorance really was bliss.
Granted. But as everyone knows this, no one is ignorant anymore. You've just eradicated bliss from the surface of the earth.

I wish people would make wishes to make other people happy too, not just themselves.

sprogspasser
03-22-2014, 02:53 PM
Both granted and denied.

Denied if wishes are real. Genie cannot change human nature. The survuval instinct is embedded too deep.

Granted if wishes are just words. That what every politician says, power to the people while busy on own agenda. That's what we all say. We know it's all just hot air.

I wish someone would wish me happiness.

thedark
03-22-2014, 04:53 PM
Granted.

I wish happiness for Sprogs.

jaus tail
03-22-2014, 05:10 PM
Denied. As per writs written by demi gods, Genie can't force a person to fall in love, can't kill someone, can't make someone return from the dead. Unable to fall someone is love is a part of bigger clause that prohibits me to force an emotion on someone. But if you tell me what makes Sprog happy, I may consider it.

I wish that today when I go for my evening walk in the park, a cat start playing with me.

sprogspasser
03-22-2014, 05:12 PM
^^Granted. A small bird alighted on my hand sill and sang me a sweet song. I snapped my fingers in time and a great happiness filled my heart. Then the bird said, "Now let me go or crush me to keep the happiness always."

I wish the dark genie would tell me what to do - let the little bird go or crush it?

^Denied. Don't think the genie doesn't know what you mean when you say 'cat'. Genie has a thesaurus and knows how to consult it.

I wish the tail got another's tail to entwine itself with. Genie is getting tired of the desperation.

p.s. no typo. Consult your Omar Khayyam.

jaus tail
03-22-2014, 05:15 PM
Granted. Crush the bird. Crush the bird. Crush the bird.

I wish the bird lays an egg, shits and pukes on Sprog's hand.

sprogspasser
03-22-2014, 05:32 PM
Ignored. That wish was the dark genie.

I wish the genie responds to the second wish.

thedark
03-22-2014, 05:40 PM
Granted. Jaus goes to the park and finds a hairless cat to love and adopt.

And feed crushed birds to. A match made in heaven.

I wish all kitties had such perfect homes.

jaus tail
03-22-2014, 06:32 PM
Granted. They all stay at thy place and do meow meow and also purr purr, and also wah wah and also 'Gimme food you crazy woman.'

I wish my neighbor's dog died. He barks at night and disturbs my sleep.

arcan
03-22-2014, 06:41 PM
Denied. Genie has the same problem at home. He doesn't see why he should still suffer and not the otheres.

I wish dogs didn't bark.

jaus tail
03-22-2014, 06:47 PM
Granted. Genie has swung a magical sword in air that decapitated all the dogs in the world. It also shocked a few kids but they don't bark anymore.

I wish I had broader shoulders.

Reziac
03-22-2014, 07:50 PM
Granted. You are now Atlas, and can carry all the weight of the world on your shoulders. Um, kinda have to carry all the weight of the world on your shoulders, like it or not.

I wish I had a tail.

jaus tail
03-22-2014, 08:13 PM
Denied. It's something you have to earn.

I wish my Math teacher came under the bus.

thedark
03-22-2014, 10:54 PM
Denied. That is an entirely inappropriate activity for a math teacher to be doing in a school parking lot! Take it to the bedroom teach!

I wish I had a retro 60's peace bus that still worked. Fun fun.

Thuro
03-22-2014, 10:57 PM
Na I can't corrupt that. Its too profound a dream.

I wish my download would finish already so I can leave and go meet my dad.

thedark
03-23-2014, 07:22 AM
Granted. Cause genie bets the download has finished by now.

I wish I could stay up until 2am writing every night with no ill effects. :)

jaus tail
03-23-2014, 07:34 AM
Granted. Genie has arranged a movie for you every evening with a hunk who's got broad shoulder, tall frame and french beard.

I wish I had a super bike that emitted nitrous oxide at the click of a button on the dashboard.

thedark
03-24-2014, 04:37 AM
Denied. Bicycles don't have dashboards.

I wish Jaus could spend some time in a Tibetan sanctuary in the quest for peace.

jaus tail
03-24-2014, 07:20 AM
Granted. But since he's in so much restlessness and turbulence, wouldn't it be wise if a partner went along? Would you accompany him in the flight, in his room and then in the swimming pool? I seriously believe that with our combined powers we can heal Jaus Tail.

I wish I were good at hockey.

Koulentis
03-25-2014, 05:04 AM
Granted! You're really good at pocket hockey. Unfortunately, continued play will lead to blindness and hairy palms.

I wish I was the abominable snowman.

arcan
03-25-2014, 10:07 AM
Granted. You are the most abominable snowman ever. Unfortunately, spring is coming and you don't fit in your freezer. You're slowly starting to melt...

I wish there were cold winter snow and warm summer snow to have fun.

sprogspasser
03-25-2014, 02:07 PM
Granted. Cold winter snow already exists and genie has to do nothing about that. Warm summer snow shall henceforth exist and be called rain. Have fun.

I wish I was a raingod. I'd rain so hard on some people.

Reziac
03-25-2014, 06:39 PM
Granted! You are now a raingod. On Mars. Since you're there, you can do something about that ongoing planetary drought.

I wish there was life on Mars.

Nymtoc
03-25-2014, 07:18 PM
Granted. The Genie's rocket is ready, and two of the Genie's strongmen are preparing to drag you aboard. There will be life on Mars in approximately 162 days (the exact length of your trip will depend on the relative positions of Earth and Mars at time of liftoff).

I wish I had my own country, where I am absolute ruler.

thedark
03-25-2014, 07:19 PM
Granted. You are now the absolute ruler of a country that encompasses your office chair and desk.

I wish I had a free pass that would let me ride on any airline, anytime. Or just Delta.

Koulentis
03-26-2014, 10:58 AM
Granted! Arrangements have been made so that you can go to any airline and ride for free during the time period known as Delta. Genie doesn't know why you would pick a time that doesn't exist, but hey it's your wish.

I wish McDonald's would bring back the Cherry Pie.

sprogspasser
03-26-2014, 07:29 PM
Denied. Who'd believe that you still have your cherry even if McDonald's returned it or baked it in a pie and published the picture on the Internet? Who's even be interested? No one, that's who. Get on with your life.

I wish I could get the picture, I saw on the internet, of a pie of cherries out of my head. I mean I'm never going to eat pie again.

arcan
03-26-2014, 09:26 PM
Granted. The pictures comes out of your head. You now have a delicious cherry pie in front of you, whereever you go. It'as both taunting and nauseating you...

I wish I had a delicious pie in the fridge to eat.

sprogspasser
03-26-2014, 09:38 PM
Denied. Your fridge is not big enough for your guest to lie in. You may however suck on an ice cube.

I wish I did not sit here broken hearted.

Reziac
03-26-2014, 10:14 PM
Granted. Your heart is mended. However, due to the Law of Conservation of Brokenness, Genie had to achieve balance. Hence you now sit there broken-legged instead.

I wish I knew why arcan wants the fridge to eat.

arcan
03-26-2014, 11:13 PM
Granted. you know know that Arcan lives in a place where every object has a life on his own. This insight into Arcan's mind made you go crazy, though.

I wish my fridge could replenish itself without my help

Reziac
03-26-2014, 11:35 PM
Granted. Your fridge drives to the store, shops, fills itself with delicious food... then eats it. All of it. By the way, I think it dented your car.

I wish my truck was four-wheel-drive.

Blinkk
03-26-2014, 11:52 PM
Granted. But only after your neighbor slashed your tires. You've really got to stop playing Motley Crue that loudly at 2AM.

I wish I had fame and fortune.

arcan
03-27-2014, 12:56 AM
Granted. You're so famous everyone wants to get to you, and not just paparrazzi : kidnappers to get ransom, perverts... You have to spend all your fortune on privacy protection devices...

I wish I could poop gold whenever I need money.

Blinkk
03-27-2014, 02:43 AM
Granted. Now you're Lord Tywin from Game of Thrones, and you're a cold, ruthless, arrogant, and calculating evil man.

I wish I could use magic.

Nymtoc
03-27-2014, 02:58 AM
Denied! Magic Johnson says he doesn't like being used. However, if you'd send him a few selfies, he might consider getting together, if you meet his criteria and can afford to pay for dinner.

I wish I could plant a cherry tree in my yard and have it blossom in three weeks.

vicky271
03-27-2014, 06:24 AM
Granted. The rest of your life has been collected and will be used to speed up the growth of the tree.

I wish I could see the world.

Koulentis
03-27-2014, 06:53 AM
Granted! http://www.google.com/earth/

I wish dropped toast always landed butter side up.

Reziac
03-27-2014, 07:09 AM
Granted. Drop your toast, then butter it. Simple! Even Genie can do it.

I wish the three-second rule (http://www.the-sandpit.com/reziac/reziac.htm) was for ten seconds instead.

vicky271
03-27-2014, 07:20 AM
Granted. Say the word three ten times.

I wish the moon would turn pink!

Nymtoc
03-27-2014, 07:35 AM
Granted. The Genie is sending you a pair of rose-colored glasses.

I wish I could go to the top of Mount Olympus and meet all those gods and goddesses.

vicky271
03-27-2014, 07:41 AM
Granted, but you fell off Mount Olympus.

I wish University essays didn't exist

Blinkk
03-27-2014, 09:42 AM
Granted. Instead of turning in a final essay, now all universities require students to argue their thesis in public speaking format.

I wish Westley from the Princess Bride was real...and living as my farm boy.

Koulentis
03-27-2014, 01:31 PM
As you wish. Westley is real and waiting for you on your farm in Florin. Genie has no idea how you're getting to Florin.

I wish that I had a great gift for rhyme, some of the time.

Nymtoc
03-27-2014, 02:09 PM
Granted. You have a great gift for rhyme for ten seconds every second Tuesday of each month.

I wish I had a donkey.

arcan
03-27-2014, 03:46 PM
Granted. Genie donate you key. No say what key open. Next wish write more good English. Too difficult to understand with bad grammar and word not separae.

Me wishes everybody speak with as good grammar as meself.

vicky271
03-27-2014, 07:09 PM
Granted. But now school is ten times harder.

I wish life wasn't so hard.

parakeety
03-27-2014, 07:30 PM
Granted. But now school is ten times harder.

I wish life wasn't so hard.

DENIED! Not even Genie can change the nature of the universe. She recommends cultivating either religious faith or bitter cynicism.



I wish the world appreciated my genius.

Nymtoc
03-27-2014, 08:31 PM
Granted. The world appreciates your genius for failing to accomplish anything.

I wish I could think of an original plot.

thedark
03-27-2014, 08:31 PM
@parakeety Granted! The world honors you with a tiny park (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mill_Ends_Park) in appreciation for your genius.

@Nymtoc Denied! There's no originality in the world anymore. Not even in wishes. 13911 posts are ample evidence of that. Give up, go visit a park.

I wish I was still little enough to play in McDonald's play places.

Nymtoc
03-27-2014, 08:36 PM
Granted. You are a midget.

I wish I owned McDonald's.

parakeety
03-27-2014, 10:23 PM
DENIED! The Illuminati own McDonald's, and Genie will not act against her New World Order Overlords.




I wish I was a Jedi Knight.

sprogspasser
03-27-2014, 11:44 PM
Granted but postponed till the 3rd of May. The factory making light sabres is situated in North Korea. Please get your haircut (http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/blogs-news-from-elsewhere-26747649) to receive one. May the fourth be with you.

I wish I had hair.

arcan
03-27-2014, 11:49 PM
Granted You now look like a bald king kong.

I wish I had wavery hair.

iLion
03-28-2014, 12:31 AM
Shazaaam!! You now have super 'wavery' hair and LOTS of it! It's located.. uh... you know... down there. I think there's enough to actually braid it now.

I wish I had the body of a 20 year old.

Jett.
03-28-2014, 12:36 AM
Granted - you have the body of a 20 years old corpse of a 20 years old. Double grant! :yessmiley

I wish I always had soda in the fridge.

ETA: This Genie (me) is ignorant of English grammar: is it a '20 year old' or '20 years old'?
So, since I double granted, I get a 2nd wish:
I wish to know the answer to that.
(might - or not - be granted separately)

parakeety
03-28-2014, 04:10 AM
GRANTED! You now have one trillion megatons of baking soda in a thousand square mile area around your house, with as much as genie can fit in your fridge.

Looks like rain, too.

Anyway, I wish that Jedward's parents had named them Peter and Rick.

sprogspasser
03-28-2014, 01:01 PM
Denied. Since they were cloned and grown in a stainless steel vat. No parents to blame I'm afraid. This is a 20 year old secret.

I wish inspiration came in pill form.

Nymtoc
03-28-2014, 02:33 PM
Granted, but you are allergic to the pills.

I wish I were a circus aerialist.

PorterStarrByrd
03-28-2014, 05:00 PM
I wish I were a circus aerialist.


Denied
The management is still cleaning up the mess from the last person with your skill set who made that wish.



I wish I had a shiny cat

sprogspasser
03-28-2014, 08:00 PM
Partly granted. Not the whole cat but you are co-owner of a cat's eyes device. It is the 49,384th one on the M1 counting from London towards Scotland.

I wish thee was something new under the sun.

thedark
03-28-2014, 09:44 PM
Granted! Thee is a brand new slang for "there". Congrats; and it all started with you!

I wish I could whistle. I'm not picky - any kind of whistling would do. Just so long as I don't have to use an actual whistle to do it.

Reziac
03-28-2014, 09:48 PM
Granted. You can now whistle like a train, and just as loud! Unfortunately it's the only noise you can make, and, well, those anti-noise ordinances.... Waitaminnut. I think you now ARE a train. That's one way to see the world!

I wish I had my own train. The railroad car I wished for didn't work out so well, so this time I'm thinking bigger.

thedark
03-29-2014, 12:37 AM
Granted. She's a chatty one though, and she follows you around everywhere, whistling, whistling, whistling.

I wish I could stop following people around. It's awkward, and they're starting to stare.

Jett.
03-29-2014, 12:44 AM
Granted, everything now walks backwards, so it looks like they are following you. They're still staring, though...

I wish I wasn't always so tire... zzZ

Koulentis
03-29-2014, 10:31 AM
Granted! You now end all your sentences by yelling, "BAM!" People no longer find you tiresome, instead you're described as annoying.

Thuro
03-29-2014, 11:06 AM
Koulentis didn't wish so I predict his eggs will burn.

I wish the comic section of the forum wasn't so alone.

Komnena
03-29-2014, 04:39 PM
Granted. It becomes so crowded nobody can move in it.
I wish my face would clear up.

vicky271
03-29-2014, 06:18 PM
Granted, sending you new makeup now.

I wish it was easier to get up for school

Reziac
03-29-2014, 08:14 PM
Granted. Here's a very large helium-filled balloon, to which you are now attached. How you'll get back DOWN to school remains to be seen. Do you wish for a pin as well??

I wish I had photos of the incident when the dogs thought they were going to get to EAT a balloonist who was unexpectedly falling toward my house. Mostly I want pics of the balloonist's panicked face. :D

Nymtoc
03-29-2014, 08:32 PM
Granted, but why don't you admit that you were the balloonist? Did you think the Genie would be shocked by the look of terrror on your face?

I wish I had a villa on the Riviera.

Reziac
03-29-2014, 09:26 PM
Granted. You now have a villa on the Riviera... in 63AD.

Waitaminnut. Genie is now jealous. I wish for a villa on the Riviera in 63AD !!

Koulentis
03-30-2014, 02:01 AM
Granted! You're sharing the 63 AD, one bed villa with Nymtoc and me.

I wish Reziac and Nymtoc would find their own place to live.

Nymtoc
03-30-2014, 02:27 AM
Not necessary to grant. We already have our own places to live. ;)

I wish Koulentis would go lay fry an egg.

thedark
03-30-2014, 02:37 AM
Denied. Genie requires clarification on the century -- eggs weren't fried in 63 AD, only boiled. Or so they said in genie school.

I wish I could sneak into genie school for a day.

vicky271
03-30-2014, 03:21 AM
Granted. But any human who enters does not live...

I wish spring would come

JesFun
03-31-2014, 12:51 AM
Granted! But you live in Canada where there's still snow until May :)

I wish I has super-human strength

sprogspasser
03-31-2014, 02:00 AM
Denied. It is not strength that makes a human super.

I wish I could smell a rainbow.

Nymtoc
03-31-2014, 02:13 AM
Granted. But to smell a rainbow you must go over it, and you soon find yourself in a strange land and meet a scarecrow and a tin man and--especially--a witch, who will turn you into a flying monkey.

I wish I could foretell the future.

sprogspasser
03-31-2014, 02:18 AM
Denied. If you could tell the future you'd know that and wouldn't have to make a wish for it.

I wish I could meet a leprechaun with a pot of gold.

Koulentis
03-31-2014, 06:07 AM
Granted! This is perfect. Lucky the Leprechan, Trix the Rabbit, Toucan Sam, and Count Chocula are all on Spring Break and just wished for a place to party with a few hundred friends. Sure hope you have homeowners insurance.

I wish cereal still came with toy surprises.

jaus tail
03-31-2014, 10:59 AM
Granted. Here's a machine gun. That's what kids use as toys these days.

I wish the colleague who has to approve my work gets a heartattack, a mosquito bites her, she gets malaria. Terrorists attack the hospital where she's admitted and plant a bomb right under her bed, that goes...BOOM, throwing her burning body towards the sky where a plane collides with her.

arcan
03-31-2014, 02:42 PM
Agreed. This all happened at work and you had to bring her to the hospital and stay by her bedside (big boss' orders.)...

I wish hospitals didn't smell like hospitals.

jaus tail
03-31-2014, 04:28 PM
Granted. They smell like gardens but since the new definition of hospital smell is garden smell, Genie is stuck in a loop where he has to change the smell every second. Genie confused, boom exploded, Evil genie will avenge nervous breakdown and you're sent for exile on an island with rhinos.

I wish I had wings.

iLion
04-02-2014, 08:54 PM
*** Shazaaam!! ***

Hmm.... you're going to need a hand mirror and a flashlight to see those little fly wings, but they are there.


I wish I could see the angels.

Nymtoc
04-02-2014, 09:07 PM
Granted. You can see the Angels play the Mariners tonight at 7:05 p.m. (PDT). The Genie will provide you with a ride to Anaheim in the back of a garbage truck, but you will have to pay for your own ticket to the game.

I wish I would always have at least $1,000 in my wallet.

iLion
04-02-2014, 09:27 PM
Easy peasy!! Tadaaa..!

You now have the $1,000 you wanted. Have it with you next time you drag out your Monopoly game, 'cause that's where it came from.


I wish I had a 1 oz. gold coin in my wallet.

Reziac
04-02-2014, 10:47 PM
Granted. A gold coin and gold everything else in your wallet. And your wallet. And... Genie couldn't get you the gold coin legally, so Genie gave you the Midas touch instead. Hope you like your eggs really hard-cooked.

I wish Nymtoc and Koulentis would move out of my 63AD villa on the Riviera.

Nymtoc
04-02-2014, 11:07 PM
Granted. Nymtoc and Koulentis moved out just before your 63AD villa burned to the ground. They now live in a much more posh villa on the island of Ibiza. (It is gated, so don't try to visit without an invitation.)

I wish I had a valet.

Reziac
04-02-2014, 11:57 PM
Granted. You have a valet. Genie was constrained to provide one from the ranks of the unemployed, which included this serial murderer. I'm not sure which employment he prefers. However, since there are no police behind your locked gate... well.

I wish that Nymtoc would rebuild my villa.

Nymtoc
04-03-2014, 04:34 AM
Denied! Nymtoc says that he is much too busy on the beach to worry about your villa. He also says that the plumbing never worked, that the roof leaked and that rats were running all over the place. He sends regards.

I wish Reziac would rebuild his own damned villa.

Reziac
04-03-2014, 07:18 AM
Denied! Reziac already has a villa where the plumbing doesn't work and the roof leaks. Okay, so there aren't any rats, but there are neighbors, and that's worse than rats.

I wish I knew if I'd just denied my own wish.

Nymtoc
04-03-2014, 08:25 AM
Granted. You know and you're kicking yourself.

I wish I were a real genie.

jaus tail
04-03-2014, 09:07 AM
Granted. You're a participant in the wrestling competition, wherein by defeating the 578 pound Bull will make you a genie. Clap those thighs, cause the battle's about to begin.

I wish I were super strong like Hulk.

Koulentis
04-06-2014, 09:19 AM
Granted! You are as super strong as 60-year old Hulk Hogan. I've also granted you his penchant for wearing bandannas and horseshoe mustaches. Be warned, Ric Flair has been spotted in your neighborhood.

I wish I still had my Super Nintendo and copy of WWF Super WrestleMania.

Reziac
04-06-2014, 06:40 PM
Granted. They're in the same landfill that Microsoft is digging old games out of. Here's a shovel. Have at!

I wish I was in as good of shape as those 60 year old pro wrestlers!

PorterStarrByrd
04-06-2014, 06:46 PM
I wish I was in as good of shape as those 60 year old pro wrestlers!


Granted. I'll give you a choice of one of these two.

http://t1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSNUHY0JM2uvT3nBp3dQW4zBjn68_5Qb KIRssAhsRsF7JfjFm_wGQ (http://www.google.com/url?sa=i&source=images&cd=&cad=rja&uact=8&docid=JjKWoRqPjb0moM&tbnid=RGoZ_QbQ_d6nmM:&ved=0CAgQjRw4Ow&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.holytaco.com%2Fthe-9-worst-moves-in-all-of-wrestling%2F&ei=TWhBU6KbLbHLsQT0-oDgBQ&psig=AFQjCNFbPmaxIHrQrATaPsZfYp1Qd3T6iQ&ust=1396881869907578)


I wish the AARP, PCH, Reader's Digest and the IRS would lose my address.

Reziac
04-06-2014, 07:18 PM
Granted. However, they lost your address to the CIA, KGB, DHS, and Waste Management. I'm not sure this is progress.

I wish sumo wrestling was more popular.

Nymtoc
04-06-2014, 08:14 PM
Granted. Sumo wrestling is enormously popular now. In fact, it is the only thing you can see on your TV, on every channel, 24/7.

I wish Punch and Judy shows were more popular.

CDSinex
04-06-2014, 10:31 PM
Granted. Punch and Judy shows are enormously popular now. In fact, they are the only thing you can see on your TV, on every channel, 24/7.

I wish I could spend more time outdoors.

Nymtoc
04-06-2014, 11:09 PM
Granted. Your house burns down. You live in what used to be your front yard, cook over a bonfire and sleep in a sleeping bag.

I wish I had the talent of Leonardo da Vinci.

phantasy
04-06-2014, 11:43 PM
Granted. Your house burns down. You live in what used to be your front yard, cook over a bonfire and sleep in a sleeping bag.

I wish I had the talent of Leonardo da Vinci.

Granted. You have now have a unquenchable curiosity and feverishly inventive imagination and will be diagnosed as a schizophrenic and be locked an a maximum security mad house. Your welcome.

I wish the world were a happier place.

sprogspasser
04-07-2014, 09:23 PM
Not applicable. The world is what it is. Happiness is a fixation of one of the species in the world. If wishing for people to be happier then denied. Genie does not need to grant what you can bring about yourself - just be happier yourself resulting in a happier world.

I wish the life of a genie wasn't so hard.

arcan
04-08-2014, 12:44 AM
Granted. Life of Genie is now "soft and purple" instead of hard.

I wish I knew what a "soft and purple" life is.

Nymtoc
04-08-2014, 03:27 AM
Granted. You are immersed in a vat of purple syrup.

I wish I were the mayor of a city.

PorterStarrByrd
04-08-2014, 07:17 AM
Granted. You are immersed in a vat of purple syrup.

granted
I wish I were the mayor of a city.

I understand there is an opening here ..

http://t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcS8rFEx_9RCkR-QtszQ8ocYs_yUdigYyzSP6zi9DBIaOhk5c_KSwQ (http://www.google.com/url?sa=i&source=images&cd=&cad=rja&uact=8&docid=8HlR3f32Jx16TM&tbnid=avdq4oDG7NBtAM:&ved=0CAgQjRw4HA&url=http%3A%2F%2Fhistorynuggets.blogspot.com%2F201 2%2F04%2Frain-of-pumice-and-ash.html&ei=9mlDU93VLtWgsQSAvYCwDQ&psig=AFQjCNGABVCFJpIyXWdus5pcJczdbo7QsQ&ust=1397013366817625)



I wish I had two peas

Koulentis
04-08-2014, 07:34 AM
Two peas or not two peas... Genie needs some more time to consider your wish.

I wish I could make up my mind.

arcan
04-08-2014, 09:35 AM
Granted. Here is a complete lot of brain cells, vessels and all you need to create a brain. But wouldn't you need a brain to make that up?

I wish I could use my brain at 100% of its capacity.

jaus tail
04-08-2014, 09:46 AM
Denied. How can I make something efficient that doesn't exist in the real world? If a frog says it wants to be bigger, I can multiply its size by five, if a pig says it wants to be taller, I can multiply the bones of its legs by three, if a cat says it wants to roar louder, I can multiply its throat muscles by five but you my friend. For you to have a more efficient brain, I would need to multiply 10 with your brain. But as we all know product of any number with 0 yields 0 as the result. So no matter how much I try, I cannot make you functional. I'm extremely sorry for disappointing you but here's a cookie to give you joy.

I wish an eagle killed the pigeon who's making a nest in my balcony and made its own nest over there.

Reziac
04-08-2014, 05:07 PM
Granted. An eagle kills the pigeon who nested in your balcony. But now the eagle is nesting in your balcony instead. Have you ever been attacked by an eagle? Well, genie has been, and knows that fear. Jaus tail shall know it too.

I wish it was safe to take off my long underwear. This inverse global warming has done got out of hand.

Nymtoc
04-08-2014, 07:02 PM
Granted. It is safe to take off your long underwear, so you take it off and step outside, feeling free as a bird. Unfortunately, you forgot to put on anything else (not just underwear--anything). You turn to go back in the house, but the door has locked behind you. You are arrested.

I wish I could make a jump shot from 100 feet.

PorterStarrByrd
04-08-2014, 10:23 PM
I wish I could make a jump shot from 100 feet.

Granted
You are now a centipede. keep practicing your jumps shot.



I wish I understood what it is all about.

Reziac
04-08-2014, 10:39 PM
Denied. "What it is all about" is bogus grammar, thus no one can understand it.

I wish I could still get the kind of flip-flops I prefer.

jaus tail
04-08-2014, 11:30 PM
Granted. You're wearing flip flops made of rat skin, isn't that what cats like.

I wish I could know why my mirror reflects the face of a handsome man whenever I look in it.

sprogspasser
04-09-2014, 01:20 AM
Granted. The reason is that you're looking at a picture of me not into a mirror.

I wish I wasn't so damn handsome.

Reziac
04-09-2014, 01:58 AM
Granted. Now you look like jaus tail, or perhaps PorterStarrByrd, or even Reziac. I'm not sure why you'd wish that on yourself, but if it'll keep you from singing that silly Mac Davis song (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-07_2DWfEmQ)...

I wish I wasn't so humble.

sprogspasser
04-09-2014, 02:05 AM
Denied. You have a lot to be humble about.

I wish I knew Reziac's gender.

vicky271
04-09-2014, 08:37 AM
Granted, but now everyone's going to be after you until you spill...since no one else knows!

I wish it would be next Wednesday already!

Nymtoc
04-09-2014, 08:51 AM
Granted. It is next Wednesday. That means you skipped next Tuesday, which would have been the day you won $10,000,000,000 in the lottery. Too bad.

I wish I could find an old painting in my attic and have it turn out to be a lost Rembrandt.

arcan
04-09-2014, 09:47 AM
Granted. You now have a painted man in your attic asking you perpetually where he is.

I wish I sold paintings for a few M$ each

Nymtoc
04-09-2014, 10:25 AM
Granted. The Genie noticed that your wish needed copyreading, so he corrected it for you, and you are now selling paintings for a few M&Ms each.

I wish I owned a 1975 Jaguar XJS.

Koulentis
04-10-2014, 07:42 AM
Granted! You are now the owner of Xavier-Javier-Smith, an Amazonian jaguar born in 1975. At 39 years old, he's toothless and boring. Next time you should wish for something fun, like a sports car.

I wish I owned a 1975 Jaguar XJS sports car.

vicky271
04-10-2014, 08:28 AM
Granted...yup...thats it, the small crushed piece of metal. Sorry, you didn't specify the condition!

I wish I could eat something sweet

Nymtoc
04-10-2014, 08:43 AM
Granted. Here is a big honeycomb. It has thousands of bees clinging to it, but when you fight them off, you'll find it's very sweet.

I wish I could discover a gold mine.

sprogspasser
04-10-2014, 05:32 PM
Denied. We need your wisdom on these boards. A mine no matter made of gold or iron will still blow you up.

I wish I could make up my mind.

Jett.
04-10-2014, 05:42 PM
Denied... wait, no, Granted... or indeed Denied... I don't know, Granted... or does 'denied' sound better?

I wish human skin didn't cause so much dust.

jaus tail
04-10-2014, 07:47 PM
Denied. Human biology is an act of the almighty and genie just signed peace treaty with the gods, where we don't interfere in their acts and vice versa. But what i can do is turn human skin's dust into gold. Now everyone's rich eh.

I wish I had stronger legs.

Reziac
04-10-2014, 07:55 PM
Granted! You are now a kangaroo. Or possibly a grasshopper. Genie is torn on this one.

I wish I had stronger everything, except breath and body odor.

jaus tail
04-10-2014, 07:58 PM
Granted. You now swim with your ears, bend metal rods with your hands and break glasses with your voice.

I wish I were a snake.

thedark
04-10-2014, 10:21 PM
Granted. Naked women in gardens everywhere flock to you. Too bad you never get to fornicate with them.

I wish I had a secret garden.

arcan
04-10-2014, 10:23 PM
Granted. It's so secret not even you know where it is. Just one hint : it's very close to a place you often go to. Have fun serching.

I wish my garder were always full of nice looking and smelling flowers

Reziac
04-10-2014, 11:19 PM
Granted. The flowers now look politely at you, and sniff you most delicately.

I wish my garden didn't look like Jurassic Weedpark.

jaus tail
04-10-2014, 11:25 PM
Granted. The dinosaurs have been eaten by me for lunch.

I wish I didn't have have such an enormous appetite.

sprogspasser
04-11-2014, 11:13 AM
Denied. It is not your appetite, or indeed capacity, that is big. Your eyes are bigger than your stomach, or indeed capacity.

I wish I could frolick in the secret garden.

Reziac
04-11-2014, 04:59 PM
Granted, provided you can find the secret garden.... I seem to recall it's so secret that no one can find it. BTW, when you do find it, Drug Enforcement would like to have a word with you.

I wish my garden was secret from everyone but me.

jaus tail
04-11-2014, 06:56 PM
Denied. Genie being mature has a moral obligation to prevent you from making a sinful mistake.

Now listen carefully friend, for I won't repeat it. You're human. Humans are social creatures. Whether we like it or not, we all like to have company. It could be a family on the other side of the dining table, a colleague you share your office tea breaks with, a fellow mate with whom you chat on a dating website. Humans like to be in company.

Now if I give you the directions to a secret garden where you vow to play with yourself, would it not lead you towards eternal pain? I can foresee you sitting under a tree, watching the sun set and crying by yourself, beard reaching your thighs, nails curling without you bothering to trim them. It's a nightmare, and I can't let you make that mistake. Thus the wish is denied.

I wish the school bully would get chased by a doberman.

Reziac
04-11-2014, 07:09 PM
Granted..... jaus tail, why are you running away from that Doberman??

I wish my dogs would always obey me.

jaus tail
04-11-2014, 08:39 PM
Granted. Your dogs obey you. Now what? Duh! You've got puppies for dogs. What are they even capable of? :D

I wish my colleague would have a power outage and I'd have to go in her house and replace the fuse. There'd be only 2 of us in her house.

thedark
04-11-2014, 09:01 PM
Denied. Genie is getting a distinctly creepy vibe here, and he doesn't put women in vulnerable situations.

I wish... nah. I already know Genie won't do it. Even if I like such situations.

We need a new genie.

Jett.
04-11-2014, 09:07 PM
^ bans the dark for breaking the genie.

I wish I knew what kind of new genie she had in mind.

jaus tail
04-11-2014, 09:08 PM
Why are you firing me? I got three cats back home to feed. You fire me, who'll look after those cats? What did they do to deserve starvation? Just because you're depressed doesn't mean you depress my cats. Wish Denied.

Denied. She has no mind to think of a genie. And as a payment for that blasphemous wish, genie sends serpents to put her to sleep.

I wish I could ride an elephant and have him run over the cranky neighbor's house.