View Full Version : Your wish is granted...

Pages : 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 [54] 55 56 57 58 59 60 61 62 63 64 65 66 67 68 69 70 71 72

11-16-2013, 04:44 PM
Granted. You don't need to learn how to jump a fence. You can even ride for weeks--in Mongolia.

I wish I could live on someone's balcony.

11-16-2013, 04:49 PM
Granted. You don't need to learn how to jump a fence. You can even ride for weeks--in Mongolia.

I wish I could live on someone's balcony.

The genie will not contribute to you being high all of the time

I wish I had a dime for every time the world blows up

11-16-2013, 06:40 PM
Who knew some people want to live in poverty?? All right, the genie feels sorry for you. Here's a dime, the only one you have. What's that noise? Dang, the world just blew up. Who knew it was cause and effect?

I wish it would not snow here this winter!

11-16-2013, 06:50 PM
I wish it would not snow here this winter!

Thinking about it ...
If I grant this and you sell all of your snow stuff then you'll hate me if it snows and you find out I don't predict weather than any of my cousin genies the other weathermen, and I so fear being hated

I wish I had a pair of naugas so I could get started in the fur business

jaus tail
11-16-2013, 07:29 PM
granted, but your wife thinks they're cute and won't let you take them away from her.

i wish i could raise my hands, open the palms and launch fire balls.

11-16-2013, 07:54 PM
Granted! You are now a Baron of Hell (http://doom.wikia.com/wiki/Baron_of_Hell). Eeep!

I wish for a BFG9000 (http://doom.wikia.com/wiki/BFG9000)!

11-16-2013, 08:03 PM
Genie doesn't have a clue what the hell that is. Here, have an ice cream cone instead and go away

I wish my egg plants could actually grow eggs instead those ugly things hanging on them.

11-17-2013, 04:18 PM
Granted. They grow Tyrannosaurus Rex eggs. No pet will ever be safe again.
I wish for a river of lotion.

11-17-2013, 05:23 PM
I wish for a river of lotion.

Granted eh Great Calamine now roars through your back yard. poison ivy growing on both banks

I wish I didn't have to waste so many s's on plurals

11-18-2013, 12:11 AM
Granted: Thanks to the Genie, you no longer use "s's", you now use, much to confusion of those around you, the Japanese suffix, "tachi" (達) to indicate plurals and groups.

I wish I knew how to pilot a real airplane.

11-18-2013, 03:12 AM
Granted. Thanks to the Genie's handy little pamphlet "So You Want to Fly a Plane!" you know how to pilot an airplane, and it only took you ten minutes to learn! Unfortunately, you decided to get behind the controls of a 737-900 and take off in a storm and...but the rest must be left unsaid. :(

I wish I could prepare a Thanksgiving dinner so good that I would be the toast of the town.

11-18-2013, 04:24 AM
As you know I am senior citizen Genie so I don't always hear so well but I'll swear you said that you wanted to be toasted when you serve up Thanksgiving Dinner so I am sending you my personal recipe for "Hop, Skip and Go Naked Punch." It was invented in 1973 by the late Mr. Shakey and let me tell you, that hop and naked part are the genuine deal!

6 cans of frozen lemonade
1 bottle of clear liquor.
1 bottle of brown liquor.
1 bottle of Cold Duck--do they still make that?
1 Bottle of Cardinal Richileu--again, do they still make that?
1 can of beer--for fizz.
1/2 bottle of aspirins--you'll know why, tomorrow.

Mix all together in a large container or a bathtub, and enjoy. If you plan to celebrate in a dorm room make sure that you do the hop and naked part on the bottom bunk.

I wish the late Mr. Shakey were here to cook my turkey--s6

11-18-2013, 04:27 AM
That recipe could cook someone's goose

11-19-2013, 08:02 PM
I wish PorterStarrByrd had made a wish. :e2zzz:

11-19-2013, 08:17 PM
Granted (skipped last one ue tosuperstious belief that expressing it would prevent it from coming true)

I Wish my next wish worked the way I wanted it to and the batteries were included.

11-25-2013, 06:34 PM
Denied. The Genie finds your wish impossibly vague, and he has concluded that you are impossibly vague, too.

I wish I could go to my mailbox and pull out a letter containing a check for $10,000.

11-25-2013, 09:13 PM
Granted! On the envelope it says "LOTTERY WINNER - GUARANTEED!!" Inside, the letter from the state lottery commission confirms that a recent audit finds YOU to be the winner from six years ago and your ticket is worth $10K.

Please find that ticket and present it to the local state office. You do still have it, don't you?

I wish I owned a Jeep Wrangler.

11-26-2013, 01:12 AM
Granted. The Genie is sending it to you in size Large.

http://s2.postimg.org/a5d1p9tfd/JEEP_WRANGLER_T_SHIRT_2.jpg (http://postimage.org/)

I wish I had second sight.

11-26-2013, 02:34 AM
I've been rummaging through the discards at the ophthalmologist's dump and can probably find you something or other that might fit. You'll have to trade in what you've got and I talked him into calling it an even trade.

I wish my wife could tell the difference between steaks and stakes.

11-26-2013, 05:42 PM
Granted. But because of her extraordinary new skill, she now cooks for someone else.

I wish Canada could be wiped off the map.

11-26-2013, 05:45 PM
To busy cleaning up other messes you mortals create

I wish I had a good stake tonight.

11-26-2013, 08:14 PM
Granted: A group of vampire hunters mistake you for prey, and give you their very best stake.

I wish I could go back to last Friday.

11-26-2013, 09:39 PM
Granted. Time machine approaches your lawn, just landed, hatch opens, c'mon CDSinex, hop aboard!?! Oh, you're scared. Alright then.

I wish I could be appointed to the board of Directors of the Royal Mail.

11-26-2013, 09:48 PM
Granted! You have been appointed to the distinguished group to serve as the Royal Cloak Checker at all meetings. Bring a lunch and something to read.

I wish I was not a slave to myself.

11-27-2013, 02:13 AM
Granted. You are a slave to Mistress Torturella, who has you tied up at the moment.

I wish I could get through the holiday season without any unpleasant moments.

11-27-2013, 02:19 AM
I wish I could get through the holiday season without any unpleasant moments.

but one goose is another gander. Beauty is in the eye of some other guy. some see come not see. There are a few odd byrds in the land who would not think what you are about to go through is pleasant.

I wish I could see what is sneaking up behind me.

11-27-2013, 05:55 PM
Granted. Unfortunately, what is sneaking up behind you is so hideous that you fall down in a faint. An ambulance arrives and you are taken to the ER. Your situation is dire, but thanks to 24/7 care by doctors and nurses you survive. The Genie suggests you not look behind you again.

I wish I could go to Rio this weekend.

11-27-2013, 05:59 PM
I'm too busy transporting good looking naked women to Rio, fulfilling more sane requests

I wish I could eat turkey sometime in the next week or so

11-27-2013, 08:21 PM
Denied! First you have to eat up all the crow that's filling your freezer! THEN we'll talk turkey.

I wish the young man who fell off the train last night would go back to taking his meds.

[Yes, really. Showed up at the door at midnight, in winter, 15 miles from the next nearest anything, having a schizophrenic episode. And how was YOUR day?]

11-27-2013, 11:32 PM
Granted. You now have to feed him pills 24/7 for the rest of eternity.

I wish I had a grandfather clock.

11-28-2013, 01:22 AM
Granted! Free grandfather with every clock! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FGj_edSkFhQ)

I wish I could control time.

jaus tail
11-28-2013, 07:43 AM
Granted but in exchange of this capability you cannot control your bowels.I wish I turn to a werewolf as and when I wanted,

11-28-2013, 09:20 PM
Granted. "How does it feel to turn into a werewolf as and when you, er wait, where're you going?"

"My bowels, Genie, my... !"

I wish my next car will be even flashier than the one I have now.

11-28-2013, 10:46 PM
Granted. Considering what you have now, this should be a lot flashier:

http://s15.postimg.org/qhe6kd67v/CAR_OLD.jpg (http://postimage.org/)

I wish I could invent something that everyone would buy, and that would make me incredibly rich while I remain the only person who can produce it.

jaus tail
11-29-2013, 07:53 AM

Scientists have discovered Nymtoc blood cures common cold. Your bank account is overflowing but doctors have strapped you to the hospital bed with tubes attached to your wrists. A pump at the other end of the tube, is extracting blood from your body.

I wish I could increase my weight by 20 kilos.

11-29-2013, 08:39 AM
Granted. The genie decided to start at the top... your head is now five times its former size. That's about 20 more kilos, right?

I wish custard made in the microwave turned out better.

jaus tail
11-29-2013, 08:42 AM
Granted, your taste buds are modified so you enjoy the taste of whatever is formed when you try to make curd in micro wave.I wish I could have dinosaur for lunch.

11-29-2013, 08:03 PM
Granted. You find yourself at your dining table across from a dinosaur. He sees you as possibly more tasty than the crappy PBJ sanwich you have set before him.

I wish I was a sought-after speaker, paid huge amounts of money to stand before rapt audiences, and wax eloquent about whatever was on my mind.

11-29-2013, 08:25 PM
Granted. You are a silver-tongued talking machine. If only you didn't need oiling so often.

I wish I had the power to move things with my mind.

11-29-2013, 08:36 PM
Granted. Genie has discovered your mind is located in your left foot... so go ahead, move things.

I wish I had hair as cool as Fabio's was.

12-04-2013, 06:46 AM
Granted. But it's not on your head. It's between your legs.

I wish I had a car that could travel on roads, travel on water, and fly.

12-04-2013, 07:01 AM
I wish I had a car that could travel on roads, travel on water, and fly.

I was going to but everyone you possibly have visited with it signed a petition

I wish the whole world could be joyously happy for the next 24 hours, then go at it tooth and nail again.

jaus tail
12-04-2013, 08:47 AM
Granted. The citizens of each country are laughing and giggling, no hatred. Everyone is at peace. And you also get the Ms World prize.I wish I could ski.

12-04-2013, 08:54 AM
Granted! You go skiing and have a grand time. Except for that tree.... Want me to sign your cast??

I wish it were spring already!

12-04-2013, 09:17 AM
Granted. It is still spring in the Southern Hemisphere, so the Genie decided to send you to Australia. Unfortunately, Australia refused to accept you. Same thing with New Zealand and dozens of other countries. so the Genie is sending you to an uninhabited island called Ball's Pyramid. It's spring there. You'll like it.

http://s29.postimg.org/4ccjc1ifr/BALL_S_PYRAMID.jpg (http://postimage.org/)

I wish I lived in a big house overlooking the ocean.

12-04-2013, 10:16 AM
Granted! As it happens I have a space for lease here on Ball's Pyramid, and your new house will just fit.

I wish I actually owned Ball's Pyramid.

(Meanwhile, let's see how long we can get Nymtoc to pay rent.)

12-04-2013, 05:02 PM
Granted. You now own that forsaken island! You're its sole inhabitant! Unfortunately, the Brits, as well as the Argentineans, also lay claim to it.

I wisch I d payd more atention att skool.

12-04-2013, 05:24 PM
Granted. But paying more attention can't make up for lack of brains. You're still a dork.

I wish I had control of all the marmalade production in the world.

12-04-2013, 09:48 PM
Granted. You're the new Marmalade Software production manager. Buy lots of aspirin.
https://www.madewithmarmalade.com (https://www.madewithmarmalade.com)

I wish I may... I wish I might.. have the wish I wish tonight.

12-13-2013, 06:28 PM
Denied! The "Wish Dispensing Machine" (tm) is out of available wishes until refilled at an undisclosed time.

I wish I could be a Park Ranger, or maybe even the Lone Ranger.

12-13-2013, 06:56 PM
I wish I could be a Park Ranger, or maybe even the Lone Ranger.

Somebody swiped my reading glasses but I think I can do this anyway ...

GRANTED (don't know why you'd wish for it though)
You are now a Jolly Rancher

I wish I knew where my reading glasses are.

12-13-2013, 08:28 PM
Granted. They've been stolen by the Loan Arranger.

I wish my roof didn't leak.

12-14-2013, 01:51 AM
Granted. Two extra rolls of sellotape for you! Happy fixing!

I wish I could get permission to build a nuclear plant.

12-14-2013, 04:24 AM
Granted. There is an urgent need for someone to build a new nuclear plant in Asia, and the Genie has arranged for you to get the job. Write to: Kim Jong Un, Dear Leader, Democratic People's Republic of Korea, Pyongyang, North Korea. (Tip: After you get there, be careful what you say if you want to keep your head.)

I wish I could go hang-gliding and not end up breaking a leg.

Maxx B
12-14-2013, 04:43 AM
Granted. I'm sorry about the broken arm though, oops!

I wish I could remember what I wanted.

12-14-2013, 07:50 PM
Granted, it is as you have asked for, but forgotten...but sadly, the Genie can't remember what you asked for.

I wish I was a high roller at the Mirage Casino.

12-14-2013, 08:28 PM
Granted. But 'high roller' and 'winner' are not synonymous. One of these days Vinny and Guido will come around to collect. Hope you've got kneecap insurance.

I wish some idiot hadn't put 15amp breakers in yonder power box.

12-14-2013, 09:18 PM
I wish some idiot hadn't put 15amp breakers in yonder power box.

duh .. they are now 0 amp fuses. I suppose you are going to with for 15 amp fuses, aren't you.

I wish my request wasn't refused so often, especially when it gets close to closing time.

12-14-2013, 11:46 PM
Oooohhhh, bad break. It's a Saturday and the Genie closes early so it can get some family time in with the little genie's.

You get a rain check.

I wish I had a hot car like the Bandit did.

12-14-2013, 11:51 PM
Granted! The interior of your car reaches ~4000* C. during the summer. Good luck driving that!

I wish I could dance!

12-15-2013, 12:30 AM
Granted! You find that you can dance a jig like no one else. You, Sir, are an impressive jig dancing beast. Unfortunately your at a line dancing contest in a hip hop club.

I wish I could to talk to Napolean while he was exiled on Saint Helena to learn his life's story.

12-15-2013, 12:52 AM
Granted. You are transported to the island of St. Helena. The year is 1815. To make things more convenient for you, the Genie has converted you into one of Napoleon's servants. You will have ample opportunity to talk with him. Unfortunately, after Nap's death, you will be forced to stay there as a prisoner yourself for the rest of your life.

I wish I knew what goes on at the North Pole during the first eleven months of the year.

12-15-2013, 01:13 AM
Granted! To make things easier, you are tranformed into an elf. As you arrive at central receiving, North Pole, your assigned to the "boot black" canning group making boot polish for elf boots. For doing an outstanding job, your promoted to the reindeer refuse recyclement regiment. Sadly, your so busy scooping up reindeer poop you never get the chance to see the rest of the Santa's empire.

I wish I knew where all the bad girls lived at.

12-15-2013, 01:34 AM
I wish I knew where all the bad girls lived at.

Denied .. you are bang out of luck

The genie is not granting wishes with dangling prepositions this week

I wish I knew which tree the raccoon climbed up.

12-15-2013, 04:15 PM
Granted! The raccoon is climbing the tree next to my house and pooping in the eaves of my second floor. Curse that beast! The Genie has put in for the raccoon to be transferred to your domicile for fecal location experiences.

I wish I could have been on the Hollywood Squares.

12-15-2013, 06:35 PM
You still can. Just divide up your teams and get started:


I wish I could go on Jeopardy and win a huge amount of money.

12-16-2013, 09:17 PM
Denied. Reason: weak heart. Genie won't let you put your health in jeopardy.

I wish my toenails would stop growing so fast.

12-17-2013, 03:36 AM
Granted! Members of the AbsoluteWrite Inquisition stop by your house to talk with you about a WIP of yours. Over a pleasant cup of ripping your nails out, you advise them that it was really ZachJPaynes originally. They leave you to enjoy your plate of OMG, this hurts! Your toenail problem is cured.

I wish I could find the ideal drink.

12-17-2013, 04:27 AM

It is pure, safe and healthful, and it will never run out. (Please note that the Genie has kindly provided you with two containers for this ideal drink.)

http://s2.postimg.org/t3udupcjt/WELL_1.jpg (http://postimage.org/)

I wish Santa would bring me a Lamborghini for Christmas.

12-17-2013, 05:49 AM
Granted! And it comes with a free mini-van upgrade


I wish I had the power to read minds!

Maxx B
12-17-2013, 06:14 AM
Granted, although you did ask to read minds, you need to get them out of the persons head, to be able to read what's on them.

I wish I had a PS4

12-17-2013, 04:22 PM
Denied. Genie's helping Santa this year and you're on the naughty list. Please try again next year.

I wish I had a flying carpet.

12-17-2013, 04:50 PM
Granted: it keeps flying round and round your living-room, relentlessly damaging anything it touches. Good luck trying to keep it on the floor.

I wish the nights weren't so cold at the moment.

12-17-2013, 05:32 PM
I wish the nights weren't so cold at the moment.

Denied, but not because I haven't tried

I keep telling them armor just doesn't retain heat, but they won't listen. They say it's not manly to take the stuff off.

I wish I could pass that dammed speling test today.

12-17-2013, 08:19 PM
Denied--for this spelling test and all future ones. The Genie cannot grant the impossible.

I wish I could read minds.

12-17-2013, 08:46 PM
Granted, tho the genie's power only extended to letting you read one mind. In an attempt to make up for this deficiency, the genie picked a unique specimen whose thoughts you can now share to your heart's content: PorterStarrByrd.

I wish I knew why Nymtoc was running away screaming.

12-17-2013, 08:50 PM
I wish I knew why Nymtoc was running away screaming.

Those are screams of joy brought about because of your wonderful gift to him.

I wish everyone could think like I do

12-18-2013, 04:02 PM
Granted. Sort of. Genie's arranged for you to be placed in a mental institution. Everyone there thinks like you ;)

I wish I could plug into the matrix at will.

Maxx B
12-18-2013, 05:37 PM
Granted, you are already in there. You opted to be placed back in there.

I wish I didn't get hayfever all year round, even in the winter.

12-18-2013, 09:22 PM
Granted. You now live on Mars, where there is nothing to be allergic to.

I wish Mars was really habitable.

12-19-2013, 03:17 PM
Granted. Enjoy your life as a green Martian, trekking through space abducting humans.

I wish Windows 8 made any kind of sense.

12-19-2013, 03:53 PM
Granted: henceforth Windows 8 will make complete sense to you, but is being withdrawn next week, and no longer supported, and nobody can vouch for its successor.

I wish so many people - including myself - weren't so dependent on Microsoft products.

12-19-2013, 06:05 PM
Granted. We are now all struggling with linux, where an ordinary day might start with a commandline exercise resembling

#bash glrux -9 [px2] /x -wh (ee#2) \R "dBx"

and where the slightest mistype may delete all your data. Thanks loads!

I wish there was a linux that not only made sense, but that I could also get along with on a daily basis.

[I've been looking for 15 years, and ain't found one yet.]

12-20-2013, 03:28 PM
Denied. Sadly, my little Martian friend, linux is only supposed to make sense to a rare sub-species within Homo sapiens. Changing that would disturb the Force and The Matrix and end in a huge explosion - the likes of which would make a certain Douglas Adams story sound like non-fiction... ;)

I wish I wasn't allergic to the sun.

12-20-2013, 05:17 PM
Linux can't tolerate people not suffering from allergies. Changing your tolerance would disturb the Force and The Matrix and end in a huge explosion - the likes of which would make a certain Douglas Adams story sound like non-fiction... ;)

I wish I could put my hands on the matrix and feel its love.

jaus tail
12-21-2013, 07:47 PM
Granted but you'll have to take the matrix out for dinner and charm her first.

I wish I could be four inches taller.

12-21-2013, 08:25 PM
Granted. Just lie down here. Your therapist will be right along (http://www.mythweb.com/encyc/entries/procrustes.html).

I wish all this snow would go somewhere else.

12-23-2013, 09:16 PM
This is your lucky day, Reziac!
All that snow has now gone into your house. I know it's an incredible mess, but your neighbors really like it.

I wish I owned a huge dog like a wolfhound.

12-23-2013, 11:36 PM
Granted. He is an extra-huge dog, and he has been specially bred to attack (and defeat) lions. His name is Rex.

I wish I were a superhero.

jaus tail
12-24-2013, 08:24 AM
Granted, a radioactive lizard bit you, you've shrunk to four feet, got scales on your body, and a tail down your bottom.

I wish Santa would get me a bazooka this Christmas.

12-24-2013, 10:10 AM


Next time, please specify which end of the bazooka you want.

I wish I knew why it's pouring freakin' rain, in Montana, in the middle of December!

12-24-2013, 11:03 AM
Granted. It's them survivalists up around Missoula. They's messin' with the weather.

I wish I knew how to grow orchids.

jaus tail
12-24-2013, 01:13 PM
Granted, a teacher is on her way to teach you the art, but she cuts a finger for each mistake so be careful and listen to all her lessons.

I wish I could have sex before the year ends.

12-24-2013, 04:13 PM
I wish I could have sex before the year ends.

Denied ....
gifts have already been allotted for all of the bad people.

I wish Ted over in Cell A-49 wasn't looking at me like I was his Christmas gift.

12-24-2013, 06:24 PM
Granted. The hippies in Missoula are looking at you that way instead.

I wish all the hippies would go south for the winter, and never return.

12-24-2013, 11:06 PM
Granted. The hippies have all gone south (southeast, to be exact) for the winter and will not return to Missoula. They will stay in Butte.

I wish I could move physical objects with my mind.

12-25-2013, 12:15 AM
Granted. Tho I've noticed a slight disconnect between which objects you think of and which actually move. Watch out for that piano!!

I wish I could see what happens when the hippies from Missoula meet the Irish miners from Butte.

12-25-2013, 12:45 AM
Granted. You will see what happens. Unfortunately, you will see it up close, and the injuries you sustain will send you to the hospital. The Genie hopes you have good health care.

I wish some of Missoula's hippies would come to New York, so I could get to know them.

12-25-2013, 12:49 AM
Granted! They've moved to New York, one and all. In fact, they've moved into your home. You'll get to know them very well!!

I wish the Butte copper mine would go back into production.

12-25-2013, 01:33 AM
Granted. Butte's immense open-pit copper mine is back in operation. It is laden with heavy metals and dangerous chemicals that leach from the rock, including arsenic, cadmium, zinc and sulfuric acid. Anyone who comes near passes out. For a slight extra fee, the Genie will add this to your order:
http://s22.postimg.org/zdhzaoipd/MASK_GAS_FUMES.jpg (http://postimage.org/)

I wish I had a super-memory and would never forget anything.

Maxx B
12-25-2013, 04:13 AM
Granted, Souper memory is yours. You will never forget any soup related fact or recipe ever again.

I wish everyone would have a Merry Christmas.

12-25-2013, 04:17 AM
I wish everyone would have a Merry Christmas.

Denied. We all have to visit our family eventually.

I wish I knew how to drive.

12-25-2013, 06:07 AM
Granted! You have just won an hour with Tiger Woods! if that doesn't teach you how to drive, nothing will.

I wish Santa would put coal in my stocking.

[Coal is expensive.]

12-25-2013, 09:16 AM
Denied! Sadly, the Genie was informed that ZachJ and Maxx absconded with all of Santa's "stocking quality" coal. They are truly on the "naughty" list.

But the Genie says you can wish again....later.

I wish I could get a job with Border Patrol.

12-25-2013, 11:00 AM
Granted. You are with the Border Patrol at the westernmost point of Alaska, on the Bering Strait. You are the only person assigned to this remote and often frigid outpost, but look at the bright side: On a clear day, you can see Russia!

I wish I knew why so many enormously expensive movies are not as good as a lot of cheaply made ones.

12-27-2013, 10:26 PM
Granted. Sort of. You've been enrolled in the Hollywood Studio Film Producer's Marketing 101 course, so in about 6 months you'll know the answer as well as anyone.

I wish I could relive my life, while knowing all that I now know.

12-27-2013, 11:54 PM
Granted. You relive your life, exactly as before. The difference now is that you know when you make a mistake, as you make it.

I wish my life wasn't so buggy.

[Dear God: I wish to file a bug report...]

12-28-2013, 12:07 AM
Granted but you put yourself in danger of starvation.

I wish I could find my snow shovel.

12-28-2013, 02:01 AM
Granted. It is underneath the dung heap behind the still beyond the outhouse that collapsed when the tractor went haywire and set fire to the barn before the horses escaped and caused your neighbor's trailer to explode last August.

I wish I had a golden egg.

12-28-2013, 02:20 AM
Granted, but you put yourself in danger of starvation

I wish I could find my pitchfork and torch

12-28-2013, 03:52 AM
Granted. They are in the ruins of Frankenstein's castle, and you can pick them up whenever you want. (Warning: The monster is about to awaken again, and when you go to retrieve your stuff...well...you're on your own.)

I wish I had green eyes.

12-28-2013, 04:15 AM

I wish I could use the Force and become a Jedi!

12-28-2013, 04:27 AM
Granted! Your blood is now teeming with midi-chlorians, giving you Force potential. In order to channel your abilities you must travel back in time and train with Yoda on Dagobah.

I wish more folks would post in the underserved Humor section.

12-28-2013, 05:13 AM
It's by invitation only .. and well ... nobody here is getting one.

I wish I wasn't recognized in that convenience store.

12-28-2013, 02:45 PM
Denied! You've been recognized, and the cops are on their way. (The Genie can't keep protecting you from your own reprehensible behavior. Enough is enough.)

I wish my clothes would wash and iron themselves.

12-28-2013, 06:10 PM
Granted! The greatest labor-saving device of the 21st century is now at your command! Unfortunately no one taught them about delicate, permanent press, or that some things shrink in hot water. And about moving the iron, not just sitting it there. So now your clothes are all 4 sizes too small and have burn holes in 'em. Really, their AI needs work.

I wish my clothes would never get dirty.

[My barn clothes have been known to go a-Viking. All by themselves.]

12-28-2013, 07:47 PM
Granted. Your clothes never get dirty, because you never wear them. You go around naked most of the time and put on a loincloth when necessary. Your clothes, hanging in the closet, remain immaculate. (They smell good, too.)

I wish I knew the meaning of it all.

12-28-2013, 08:15 PM
We still haven't defined the definition of 'it'. First things first.

I wish my pants weren't sewn shut

12-29-2013, 01:04 AM
Granted. Your pants aren't sewn shut. They are completely open. That's why you're sitting in a jail cell charged with disorderly conduct.

I wish I could travel around the world in 80 days.

12-29-2013, 07:21 PM
Granted. Pocket-sized globe coming your way. When it arrives, place it in the centre of your living room and start your trip around your mini-world. Remember: baby steps... really stretch the journey out to last 80 days.

I wish I could remember where I stored the goat.

12-29-2013, 08:11 PM
Granted. It's at PorterStarrByrd's house.

I wish I knew why me-a-monsteR is channeling PorterStarrByrd.

12-29-2013, 08:24 PM
MaM ordered once of those cut rate antennae from Amazon without reading the fine print.

I wish I could invent a tool for picking up goatshit.

01-01-2014, 05:01 AM
Granted! Reziac and Me-A-Monster stop by to do their community service time and clean your yard of those offending piles of goat pa-poo-poo; to complete their 200 hours, along with Lindsay Lohan.

I wish Nymtoc had green eyes, instead of the brown ones....which he's full of. ;)

jaus tail
01-01-2014, 09:58 AM
Granted, the genie has drilled a hole in his head and poured green metal in it. Soon his eyes, nails, tongue, and skin will be green.

I wish I could be like wolverine.

01-01-2014, 06:48 PM
We'll start you out with a pair of Wolverine work boots and, of course, a flannel shirt. Can't make it in Kansas without a flannel shirt and Wolverine boots. Got you a great job at the potato farm.

I wish I could see Halley's Comet

01-02-2014, 01:58 AM
Granted! http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Halley's_Comet As a bonus, the NSA now knows you like to look at images of Haley's Comet.

I wish McDonald's tasted better.

01-02-2014, 02:05 AM
Denied. There isn't enough white magic, genie voodoo, and faerie dust in the known universe to make that happen.

I wish I had an off-shore account filled with more money than I'd ever need.

01-14-2014, 03:51 PM
Granted. Unfortunately, Somalian pirates know exactly where your money is. That treasure is theirs now. Arrrr!

I wish I understood my dog's reason for leaving.

01-15-2014, 05:22 PM
Granted. Woof, woof, ruff, growl, ruff ruff. (His exact words)

I wish I could see auras.

01-15-2014, 07:02 PM
Denied !!!
Genie does not facilitate pornography !!!!

I wish I hadn't stepped on the dog this morning

01-15-2014, 08:04 PM
Granted. You stepped on the dog poop instead.

I wish my dogs would clean up their own poop (at least, by some method other than eating it).

01-15-2014, 08:11 PM
I wish my dogs would clean up their own poop (at least, by some method other than eating it).

They're working on it. So far they have learned to fetch the newspaper and drop it on top of the pile.

I wish people would be more understanding of some of my unusual hobbies.

01-16-2014, 12:16 AM
Granted - and they all want to join in.

I wish I could wake up on time instead of having to skip breakfast every morning.

Maxx B
01-16-2014, 02:37 AM
Granted - You will always wake up half an hour after going to bed.

I wish I could go for a balloon ride.

01-16-2014, 03:40 PM
Granted. But you have to take Porter. He needs usual hobbies to replace his unusual ones.

I wish I had a endless supply of ice-cream cones.

01-16-2014, 06:26 PM
Granted. You now own the world franchise on ice cream cones. Trouble is, due to global warming there is no ice cream to put in them.

I wish ice cream came in Rare Steak flavor.

01-16-2014, 07:20 PM
the rare flavor is called 'putrefied'

I wish the Owl would quit staring at me

01-16-2014, 10:00 PM
Granted. The Owl quit, the Goat took the job.

Wish I didn't have to go grocery shopping now.

01-17-2014, 03:38 PM
Denied. The goat is scheduled to raid your fridge during his lunch break.

I wish I could freeze time whenever I felt like it.

01-17-2014, 04:50 PM
but be aware it will get freezer burn in about three months.

I wish I had a cube of salt

01-17-2014, 04:57 PM
Granted. It comes with a pyramid of pepper.

Wish I had a lightsaber.

01-17-2014, 07:58 PM
Granted! You are now Obi-Wan Kenobi. Er, you were Obi-Wan Kenobi. You can keep the lightsabre, tho.

I wish I knew where Obi-Wan's lightsabre went.

01-17-2014, 10:44 PM
Party granted. The stoy is that a hither to overlooked factory fault manifested and the third time Obi's lightsabre fried its wielder it was decided to reduce it to its constituent elements. It was taken to outer space and the full power, of the now tame, death star was turned on it for 3.14 microseconds. However this story cannot be confirmed and there are rumours of a wokie that stole it before it could be destroyed and fled to a galaxy far far away. Further it is rumoured that the wokie landed in an area with 51 seconds of fuel left.

I wish I had a wish.

01-18-2014, 12:39 AM
Granted. But you'll have to return it.

I wish I had wished something different.

01-20-2014, 03:41 PM
Denied. This stuff is non-refundable. Sorry.

I wish I didn't have a fly stalking me.

01-20-2014, 06:23 PM
Granted before I even start, cuz that's not a fly stalking you, it's The Fly (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Fly_%28George_Langelaan%29).

I wish superheroes were real.

01-20-2014, 08:59 PM
Granted, but you're not one. Now all of the super-villains (they've always been quite real) are angry at you, and have formed a pack to hunt you down.

I wish nothing bad would ever happen to me.

01-21-2014, 06:12 AM
Forwarding your wish to mission control...

I wish it was still last November.

01-21-2014, 07:57 AM
Granted. Time has been reset to November 1st, 2013. Unfortunately your brain couldn't handle the reset and you slipped into a coma. Everything you're seeing and doing is only in your mind. None of this is real.

I wish gum didn't lose flavor.

01-21-2014, 08:29 AM
Granted your gum will not loose its flavor, but it will rot your teeth, blacken your gums, cauliflower your ears, and slowly turn you into a little blue alien.

I wish for the snow to melt.

jaus tail
01-21-2014, 09:11 AM
Granted. Three fire breathing dragons have been deported to your neighborhood.

I wish I could have a wolf as a pet.

01-21-2014, 09:42 AM
Granted! You now have a pet wolf named Jed. Your name is Natty Gann.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Journey_of_Natty_Gann (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Journey_of_Natty_Gann)

John Cusack wishes he'd never made the Journey of Natty Gann.

01-21-2014, 03:35 PM
Denied. Genie's not Googling that. It sounds suspiciously like a stripper's name.

I wish I had a sack of guavas.

01-21-2014, 06:18 PM
Granted. Here's your sack of iguanas. What? You say genie must be getting hard of hearing??

I wish I had a stuffed Quincy to put atop my monitor.

01-21-2014, 10:36 PM
Granted. But it comes with a stuffed Colombo to put alow your desk.

I wish I could go into hibernation this year.

01-22-2014, 10:25 AM
Granted! Take a full bottle of sleeping pills and wash it down with a bottle of whiskey.

I wish movie theater popcorn tasted as good as homemade.

01-22-2014, 10:56 AM
Denied! With that kind of active fantasy life, for what do you need to go to movies? Stay home, make your own popcorn, and get some writing done for a change!

I wish for hull-free popcorn.

01-22-2014, 03:31 PM
Denied. We're all out.

I wish I knew what hull-free popcorn was.

01-22-2014, 04:43 PM
Granted, but not now, in due time you'll read about it in an old scroll.

I wish I could play the guitar.

01-22-2014, 04:52 PM
Granted, but in exchange you no longer have use of seven of your fingers.
I wish I wasn't petrified of fingernails.

jaus tail
01-22-2014, 09:51 PM
Granted, come tomorrow everyone will line up to get their nails uprooted. You're first.

I wish I had the teeth of a wild cat.

01-23-2014, 09:01 PM
Granted: The teeth of a wild cat are now embedded in your left arm.

I wish there would be no more power outages this winter.

01-23-2014, 09:44 PM
Granted, the power will be out till be out till Spring.
I wish I knew what Willis was talking about.

01-25-2014, 09:46 AM
Granted! You've been awarded the complete seasons 1-8 of Different Strokes, complete with out-takes and director's notes. Now you'll be as knowledgeable about the show as the writers themselves! All 189 episodes will be shipped to you on individual VHS tapes. Just find a VCR and enjoy.

I wish Saturday morning cartoons were good again.

01-25-2014, 10:15 AM
Granted! Cuz I want to watch Rocky and Bullwinkle too.

I wish I could make non-lumpy farina Malt-o-meal in the microwave without having to stir it.

01-25-2014, 10:27 AM
Denied. You'll have to solder one end of a spoon on the microwave ceiling. Place the bowl on the rotating platter making sure that the other end of the spoon is in inside the bowl; et voilá. Bon appétit.

I wish my bed would make itself.

01-25-2014, 02:14 PM
Granted! But it can spin on whim and make you sick.

I wish my favourite bottle of wine never went dry.

jaus tail
01-25-2014, 03:53 PM
Granted, but the neighbor's saw it and there's a long queue to reach the bottle.

I wish I could turn into a werewolf on full moon nights.

01-26-2014, 06:41 AM
Granted but you destroy your house.

I wish I had mind control.

01-26-2014, 05:38 PM
Denied. You got to grow a mind before you can control it.

I wish I had dress sense.

01-27-2014, 03:12 AM
Granted! By using the sense of sight, you'll now know when someone is wearing a dress.

I wish there were more three-day weekends.

01-27-2014, 10:15 PM
You got it Koulentis.

However, you'll have to travel to the island of Tristan da Cunha.
They agreed (all 6 of the inhabitants) to having one more 3-day weekend in honor of the great volcano uggabuggaboo. Of course, when it blows you have to leave the island fast on account the vocano is the island.

I wish I owned a new jeep.

01-28-2014, 03:46 PM
Granted. This jeep is so new that it's the first and only of its kind. No more gas stations for you. It runs on human brains. Good luck finding brain donors.

I wish I could remember my own birth.

01-28-2014, 06:24 PM
Like horror movies, eh? Okay, granted. Go watch Alien again, that's how you were born. Easy to remember now, eh? As a side benefit, now you know why your mom was so pissed.

I wish monsters were hatched, not born.

01-28-2014, 06:30 PM
Granted, but they are hatched from hull-popcorn while you're eating it.

I wish squirrels had a better opinion of me.

01-29-2014, 09:50 AM
Granted! You're the pied piper of squirrels. However, squirrels don't respond to musical instruments. So before venturing outside you'll need to make yourself recognizable. Strip down to your underwear, coat yourself in peanut butter and roll around in hull free popcorn. I promise squirrels (and dogs) will flock to you.

(Next Full Moon is Feb 14, 2014)

01-29-2014, 03:38 PM
Granted. Your wishes, written in invisible ink, will only appear visible on the next full moon.

I wish I knew everything about everything.

01-29-2014, 06:21 PM
Granted. It's just one word, but it does contain ten letters, so that's plenty to know, don't you think?

I wish I could see invisible wishes.

01-29-2014, 08:22 PM
Granted sort of ...
here are some wishes that SHOULD be invisible

I wish I had more back hair
I wish my mother-in-law could stay longer
I wish I could really examine my own prostrate

I wish those things weren't stuck in my mind now.

01-30-2014, 04:13 PM
Denied. You got them stuck in Genie's mind and I'm not living through the horror alone.

I wish I had cream pies I could toss at people as they pass me by.

01-30-2014, 04:22 PM
Granted, but all the pedestrian have splurge guns.

I wish I could spend a week in a western movie.

jaus tail
01-30-2014, 06:36 PM
Denied. There's room in the porn movie though, if you want one.

I wish I could be a male pornstar.

01-30-2014, 06:44 PM
Denied. Being a male porn star requires a certain upstanding in one's community that we find you sadly lacking.

I wish I had a pen that did not leak inky all over my fingers.

01-31-2014, 06:57 AM
Granted! I've alerted Pinky, Blinky, and Clyde that you located their missing partner. They'll retrieve him and leave a reward: a pen that leaks ink.

I wish Burger King really did make it my way.

01-31-2014, 03:32 PM
Denied. You're not Frank Sinatra. So no can do.

I wish I had a holiday house in an exotic place.

01-31-2014, 06:39 PM
Denied, for your own good. You don't know what you're wishing for. Carrying a house around is only for snails.

I wish I couldget my mind out of the gutter.

01-31-2014, 08:45 PM
Denied! Even genie can't do the impossible!! Now get out of the way so mine can float past.

I wish my house wasn't so damned small that even a snail would feel cramped.

01-31-2014, 09:52 PM
Granted! Your next house will be a 2x2x2 foot cardboard box. A full 8 cubic feet of luxury! More than enough space to make any snail feel comfortable.

I wish I was 1950's Frank Sinatra.

01-31-2014, 09:57 PM
BAM!! Your dead.

I wish my car ran on tap water instead of gas.

01-31-2014, 10:49 PM
It probably could... I mean, can't they do something with Hydrogen... ?
Anyway, the wish is granted - BUT (of course) your engine gets encrusted with limestone, so you'll have to take the bus.

I wish I could spend a week on the International Space Station.

01-31-2014, 11:25 PM
Granted. You are part of the ISS, a solar panel, due for replacement in a week. I'm not sure what they do with the old ones, probably recycle 'em. Or toss 'em into the sun.

I wish I had my own space station.

02-01-2014, 04:08 AM
Granted. There is now space where you used to board the train. The authorities would like a word with you regarding this.

I wish an adventure would fall in my lap.

02-01-2014, 06:09 AM
Granted! You, and a party of a diminutive band of fantasy creatures are on an adventure to dispose of a cast iron ring into the blazing pits of a rabid volcano. Meanwhile, an army of timeshifting cybernetic, shapechanging robots are trying to hunt you down. Good luck.

I wish the pain in my knee would go away.

02-02-2014, 03:53 PM
Granted, but a pain in the a$$ acquaintance will invite you to dinner.

I wish I could write better descriptive scenes.

jaus tail
02-02-2014, 07:59 PM
Granted. You're next novel has ten thousand adjectives, but no one's interested.

I wish I could change my past.

02-04-2014, 07:52 AM
Granted: You write an autobiography.

I wish I had bacon in the fridge.

jaus tail
02-04-2014, 08:05 AM
Granted. It's in your neighbor's fridge. Go collect it from him. But he's got a gun and hates tree loving people.

I wish I could ride a motorbike with helicopters chasing me and firing at me, while I'm carrying the test tube that contains the medicine to cure the deadly virus that has struck the world.

02-04-2014, 08:21 AM
Granted. You will go on a grand adven--- Hey! That's sprogspasser's wish! One customer to a wish!! DENIED!!!

I wish I could find those last two Hocico albums that aren't in my collection yet.

jaus tail
02-04-2014, 09:20 AM
Granted. Your wife has hidden them in the fridge. But a black cat is guarding the fridge. Be careful, use a stick, beat the crap outta the cat. Show no mercy as you whip her head, hang her tail to the fan blade and complete your collection.

I wish I create fire balls in my palms, then launch them at my enemies and destroy buildings at will.

02-04-2014, 09:27 AM
Granted! You are now a baron of hell (http://doom.wikia.com/wiki/Baron_of_Hell). Well, I'm not sure about destroying buildings, but you throw fireballs from your palms real well.

I wish I had a BFG9000 (http://doom.wikia.com/wiki/BFG9000).

jaus tail
02-04-2014, 09:35 AM
Granted. But you need to enroll for mandatory gun learning classes. BFG training occurs only in Bermuda Triangle. Hope your plane doesn't crash.

I wish I could fly a fighter plane and shoot missiles for fun.

02-04-2014, 11:07 AM
Granted! Buy an Xbox.

I wish I could taste a snozzberry.

02-04-2014, 06:10 PM
Granted. You can now lick your nose. Where did you think you pick snozzberries, anyway??

I wish my nose would stop running when I'm out in the cold, without having to tie it up.

jaus tail
02-05-2014, 08:39 AM
Granted. Your nose has been erased. You breathe through skin.

I wish a magazine offered me a high paying job as an editor.

02-05-2014, 02:02 PM
Granted! You'll be offered the position of high resolution photo editor for 'Proctology Today.' Enjoy.

I wish Cap'n Crunch didn't turn soggy.

02-05-2014, 03:40 PM
Granted. It's hard as steel now. Good luck munching through that.

I wish I could make people flee with a single look.

02-05-2014, 05:04 PM
Granted. That look is your new face.

I wish my nails manicured themselves.

02-05-2014, 05:16 PM
Granted. Your toenails are now a yard long and flexible, like tentacles. They can now manicure your fingernails, all by themselves.

I wish I had more bookshelves at home. 12 isn't nearly enough.

02-05-2014, 06:27 PM
Granted but it has sloping shelves. No books can rest there after a good reading. Still it looks art nouveau.

I wish I lived in 3D.

jaus tail
02-05-2014, 06:41 PM
Granted. Here are the membership cards of Modern Fitness Gym and Island Isles Sea Food. Go work out and eat some food, you anorexic dude.

I wish I could swim like a shark.

02-06-2014, 11:16 AM
Granted, but at the cost of a shark's diet.

I wish my neighbors were single and hot.

02-06-2014, 11:30 AM
Granted. Your neighbors got divorced and set each other on fire.

I wish my damned propane regulator worked right so I could have some heat in here!

02-06-2014, 02:10 PM
Denied! Don't you know that lighting your f**ts is dangerous?

I wish I had a pet orc.

02-07-2014, 01:09 AM
Granted. He crushes you with a gleeful exclamation of, "FOOT STOMP!", leaving a little pile of smooshed sprogspasser behind.

I wish I had an endless supply of mangoes and cantaloupes.

02-07-2014, 12:56 PM
Granted. You have a mango and cataloupe with the ends cut off. Enjoy!

I wish I could flow.

02-07-2014, 08:36 PM
Granted. You are now sewage, flowing in a pipe.

I wish there was more than four hours in the life of a banana where I think it's fit to eat.

jaus tail
02-08-2014, 09:27 AM
Denied. Genie didn't understand the wish. You confused him. Overload! Overload! Smoke coming from ears. Overload! Temperature beyong threshold limit. Wish Not Found! Searching Again. Boom

Dear GenieLord, master of all Genies,

One of your genies has been killed by a wry cat. I request you to tie the cat's tail to a stick and hang the cat above a bucket filled with piranhas.

Allow this human to avenge the death of the genie.

I wish all cats to be thrown in a bucket of piranhas.

02-10-2014, 07:22 PM
Denied! As it turns out, piranhas are highly allergic to cat bites. The cat SEALS team effectively deliver an overwhelming number of allergic inducing bites to the piranhas.

I wish it wasn't so hard for older people to transition jobs.

02-10-2014, 09:13 PM
Granted. All the older people were fired instead. Happy now??

Waitaminnut. I'm "older people". DENIED!

I wish to not drive off the icy road when I go to town today!

02-10-2014, 09:30 PM
Granted. Your car stays on the road at all times, making it impossible for you to park anywhere.

I wish I had a sentient fish for company.

02-10-2014, 09:54 PM
Granted. You are now a fish, and share fish sentience.

I wish all parking spaces were big enough for my truck.

02-11-2014, 05:26 AM
Denied. They already are: park your truck vertically.

I wish the tap in the bathroom would stop dripping.

02-11-2014, 07:21 AM
Granted! The tap in the bathroom has stopped dripping. But you know that water still has to go somewhere... I think your toilet just overflowed.

I wish I had something interesting for dinner.

02-11-2014, 11:31 AM
Granted. You just had breakfast for dinner.

I wish the bathroom scales lied!

02-11-2014, 11:52 AM
Granted. Yours already do, they've been showing you a value 20 pounds below your real weight for years. Congrats, you've just gained 20 pounds. Cheers!

I wish I had more energy.

02-11-2014, 01:52 PM
Granted. You are now a squirrel on a caffeine kick.

I wish that a trip to the dentist goes well.

02-11-2014, 05:57 PM
Granted. Your trip to the dentist went beautifully. The roads were clear, the scenery was magnificent, your car got great gas mileage. However, once you arrived... Hmm. The dentist says you need dentures.

I wish I had perfect teeth that never deteriorated.

02-12-2014, 08:41 AM
Granted. Remember those dentures? They weren't for Judas, they were for you. Congrats!

I wish my cold would finally go away.

jaus tail
02-12-2014, 08:53 AM
Granted. Go in the kitchen, switch on the oven and sit in it.

I wish I could throw my babysitter in the washing machine.

02-12-2014, 09:45 AM
Is that like the baby and the bathwater? Denied until clarified. We wouldn't want to clog the pipes.

I wish I may, I wish I might
Have a real good sleep tonight.

02-12-2014, 09:48 AM
GRANTED!! Oh sorry, did I wake you?

I wish I could go back in time and see some of my favorite bands in concert.

02-12-2014, 11:03 AM
Granted! But the time machine had some internal pressure issues and popped your eardrums. Now you're deaf. Good thing you can still see the bands, though.

I wish I had a bikini body.

02-12-2014, 11:08 AM
Granted. People never stop staring at you and get hit by moving vehicles. You go to prison for manslaughter.

I wish I could focus on my writing and stop getting distracted.

jaus tail
02-12-2014, 11:34 AM
Accepted. Your writing is used to cure insomnia.

I wish I could push the baby sitter out of the window.

02-12-2014, 12:55 PM
Denied! Genie does not enable personal vendettas. Get rid of the kids instead; voila! no more babysitter!

I wish the echoes from Jett's shout (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Shout) weren't keeping me awake. Not to mention scaring the sheep.

02-12-2014, 01:48 PM
Denied. The echoes of times past will not be denied. And return the sheep to Bo Peep before you get hurt. She's stopped the peep show and men everywhere are getting angry.

02-12-2014, 03:57 PM
Denied. Genie can read your mind and you are not getting a private naughty Bo Peep show.

I wish my house was made of marshmallows.

02-12-2014, 04:20 PM
Denied. Do you know how easy it is to poke a hole through marshmallow? You'd be taking over from Bo Peep!

I wish my mind was not that easy to read.

02-12-2014, 07:20 PM
Granted. Your mind desktop language has been changed to Korean. Though there is a known bug that involves naked photos of the dear leader...

I wish Windows XP would live forever.

jaus tail
02-13-2014, 07:39 AM
Denied, and you've been jailed for being a hurdle to progess.

I wish I could crack the 'child lock' the babysitter has installed on my computer.

02-13-2014, 08:32 AM
Genie is confused about why a child would be 'locked' in the first place. Nonetheless, here's a pair of bolt cutters, and if those don't suffice, a blowtorch. That should take care of any lock small enough for a child.

I wish I had a bigger pair of bolt cutters.

jaus tail
02-13-2014, 08:46 AM
Granted. They're too heavy for your hands, it swings downwards, throwing the flame towards your feet.

I wish my babysitter to wear a short skirt today.

02-13-2014, 08:46 AM
Granted. But you didn't tell us what to compare them to, so I compared them to an ant. They're double the size of your average carpenter ant!

I wish I ran a pirate ship.

Granted but it's a shame the main babysitter called in sick. This guy's short skirt is revealing all his leg hair!

I wish a sexy, beautiful vampire with a British accent would suck my blood. Nom nom.

jaus tail
02-13-2014, 10:00 AM
Granted. Intravenous tubes are inserted in your wrists, with pumps that withdraw the blood and transport it to a blood bank in England. Now all we have to do is wait for a vampire to arrive.

I wish I could strangulate the customer care agent.

02-13-2014, 04:04 PM
Granted. But you'll need two friends to help. Place yourselves such that you include a total of 180 degress between yourselves and pull.

I wish I served aboard a pirate ship run by a captain who wore an eye patch to hide her rapid and suggestive blinking.

02-13-2014, 04:45 PM
Denied. Instead, you're teleported into the 80's music video "You spin me round" (http://youtu.be/PGNiXGX2nLU), starring a singer who wears an eye patch to deviate attention from his nose job.
ETA: but you're granted a pirated jelly donut as consolation.

I wish the message "this video is not available in your country" would forever disappear from the face of the internet.

02-14-2014, 12:44 AM
Hmm... you mean that was a tattoo on Al Gore's face?? I never noticed. No problem. SHAZAM!!! All gone now.

I wish my work retirement date was tomorrow!

02-14-2014, 02:26 AM
Granted. However, since you haven't worked for your employer as long as they hoped, you're not eligible for any retirement packages.

I wish I could play the violin.

02-14-2014, 03:03 AM
Granted. You play the violin, and it gets revenge by garrotting you - turns out it doesn't like it when you take advantage.

I wish I had a dance floor and sound system to myself, so I could wind dance with nobody watching.

02-14-2014, 04:29 AM
Granted, because genie wants to find out what the hell 'wind dancing' is.

Waitaminnut, was that my wish??