View Full Version : Your wish is granted...

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07-26-2013, 05:18 AM
Granted. You find yourself locked in a bottle and must grant everybody's wishes with no conditions whatsoever. Good luck when people wish that different horses would win the same race.
I wish I had a time travel machine.

07-27-2013, 08:36 AM
Granted, but you have no control over when or where it takes you. As a result, you find yourself in Salem, Massachusetts in July, 1692. You ride up on a black horse, and that is enough for the villagers to conclude that you are a witch. What happens next is too painful for the Genie to describe...

I wish I didn't have to climb up and down seven flights of stairs a day (elevator work in my building).

07-27-2013, 02:41 PM
Wish granted: you now live in Belpre, Kansas. Not a two story building or a stairway in the whole town. Not much else either. You drive 16 miles to work and 12, in the opposite direction, for a grocery store or cafe. The only doctor is in the next county to the west. The pharmacy is one county over, to the south. No vehicle? No problem. There are two Lincoln Continentals and a Gremlin up on blocks in your front yard; a couple of buses and a 1948 Minne- Moline in your backyard. Help yourself--s6

I wish that my grand daughters would acquire a taste for my seventies music.

07-27-2013, 02:59 PM
Granted. They come over to your house with a very loud speaker system (in case you don't have one) and play "Feelings" 12 hours a day. The other 12 hours they play "Disco Duck." On Sundays they take a break and play "You Light Up My Life."

I turn on TV and see somebody I never heard of being called a "Republican strategist" or a "Democratic strategist," and I'm assuming they're making a lot of money at it. I wish I could get to be one of those.

07-27-2013, 07:53 PM
Wish granted. You are now a Republican Strategist. The catch? You now look like a Republican Strategist. (Bet you thought they didn't make those clear on the bottom black plastic glasses anymore!)

I wish that all the guys I see on motorcycles would look like all the guys I used to see on motorcycles forty years ago!

07-27-2013, 08:49 PM
Granted. All the guys you see on motorcycles now look like prototype 1960s bikers (http://listverse.com/2009/08/18/top-10-notorious-american-biker-gangs/), fresh from the "charm school at Joliet (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=389Rk1jzPMk)".

I wish I knew how to ride a motorcycle.

07-27-2013, 09:49 PM
Granted. But the Genie is concerned for your safety. One doesn't learn to ride a motorcycle overnight. It takes time, and in your case, it will take a lot of time. You will spend your first 10 motorcycle years like this:

http://s22.postimg.org/ajd1jzz7l/MOTORCYCLE_CHILD_S.jpg (http://postimage.org/)

I wish I could travel anywhere I want in the world without having to pay for it.

07-27-2013, 11:54 PM
Granted. Look down. See those two things at the end of your legs? They'll take you anywhere you want to go... eventually. No extra charge!

I wish I actually had that cute little red motortrike.

07-28-2013, 10:37 AM
Granted. Look down. See those two things at the end of your legs? They'll take you anywhere you want to go... eventually. No extra charge!

I wish I actually had that cute little red motortrike.

Granted, you now have that cute little red motortrike. It talks, by the way, with a crude Brooklyn accent. And only you can hear it. People are starting to wonder.

I wish I had a almond chocolate bar sitting next to me, regular size, taste and consistency. Not poisonous. Not animated and without any changes to my own body as a result of said wish.


07-28-2013, 08:26 PM
Denied! a sweet should never eat a sweet, unless your real name is Hannibal?

I wish I knew where I had been.

07-29-2013, 02:31 AM
Granted: The Genie asked around and discovered that you spent the night in the county jail charged with public drunkenness and resisting arrest.

I wish I had a new computer.

07-29-2013, 03:38 AM

http://s23.postimg.org/ywx6eav4b/COMPUTER_ANTIQUE.jpg (http://postimage.org/)

It's not this year's model, but it's never been used, so it qualifies as "new." The Genie is not sure if you can get an Internet connection.

I wish all my problems would disappear in a puff of smoke.

07-29-2013, 04:03 AM
POOF!!! All of YOUR problems have magically disappeared! You have, however, inherited the combined problems of every other AW member! (Thanks, by the way!)

I wish I had a personal servant to help with the housecleaning!

08-03-2013, 09:11 AM
Denied, by the time you waited for a post you should have done it yourself.

I wish I had a clock to control the speed of time.

08-03-2013, 05:41 PM

http://s23.postimg.org/hawxsse5n/DALI_CLOCK.jpg (http://postimage.org/)

It's been used, but if you fix it up it should serve your needs.

I wish I had a pet antelope.

08-03-2013, 06:30 PM
The genie is unable to decide if you meant a true antelope from Africa or Asia, or an American pronghorn, commonly miscalled an antelope. Thus caught on the horns of a dilemma, the genie decides to grant you a jackalope (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jackalope) instead.

I wish I had a nice fried rabbit for dinner.

08-03-2013, 08:05 PM
KFR - delivered to your kitchen by your friendly neighborhood genie.

[image removed]

This genie gets a little queasy when dealing with fluffy bunnies so you will have to deal with the skinning etc.

I wish I could have three more wishes after someone has finished messing up this one.

08-04-2013, 05:11 AM
Granted. But your choices are limited to:

Fried chipmunk
Lizards in gravy
Puppy in hot sauce

Sorry, but that's what you get after the way you fulfilled that last wish.

I wish I had a magic lamp, so that I didn't have to rely on the nasty old genies who inhabit this thread. :rant:

08-04-2013, 07:15 AM
The genie has hunted high and low and could not find a magic lamp. Undaunted, the genie provides you with the next best thing: a classic lava lamp.

I wish it was worth the bother to roast mice.

I suppose now the genie will send us giant mice, or shrink me to fit.

08-07-2013, 01:46 AM
I wish it was worth the bother to roast bake mice.

I suppose now the genie will send us giant mice, or shrink me to fit.

Since roasted mice are not worthy of this genie's talents, I present to you a delicacy that is praised throughout the world.

[image removed]

Now if only someone would find a surefire way to bring down the swelling in my feet.;)

08-07-2013, 02:30 AM
Granted. At considerable personal expense, the Genie has arranged for this glacier to be delivered to your house. Place your feet inside it and leave them there for two weeks. If the swelling has not gone down, leave them there for an additional week. This should solve your problem.

http://s18.postimg.org/dpl9i87mh/GLACIER.jpg (http://postimage.org/)

I wish at least three publishers would compete for the right to publish my book.

08-07-2013, 08:46 PM
You're in luck! Genie found three publishers (they proudly point to the many local restaurant menus they claim as proof) on the island of Winnataunkkahippocabbashahookookoo only 2,300 nautical miles from Hawaii. They discovered the internet last year, and said they want to enter the 21st century. They have never published actual books before, but their national motto is "Hey.. how hard could this be?" (I'd go with Chief Hokawawa-kawazi as he will trade with only the finest coconuts.)

I wish I owned a yacht and lived on the high seas.

08-08-2013, 04:27 AM
Because this genie has the greatest respect for the mighty lion, a massive effort has been made to fulfill this wish. As requested, the ship has been placed as close to the high C as possible.

[images removed]

I wish I had a lifetime supply of chocolate covered cherries.:D

08-08-2013, 05:16 AM
Un, granted... here is one chocolate-covered cherry. Draw your own conclusions.

I wish I hadn't sprained my shoulder doing something imaginary (I seem to have done it in my sleep). apparently contracted West Nile virus. :(

08-08-2013, 08:48 AM
Granted. You have contracted West Virginia virus, which you picked up during your extended stay HERE (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trans-Allegheny_Lunatic_Asylum)

Your doctor says you should recover within two to three weeks.


I wish I could write ten times faster than I do now.

08-08-2013, 04:05 PM
Granted!:D This genie's young assistant (Omar) was honored to grant you the ability to write twenty times faster. Of course, in his excitement, he provided you this enhanced skill in his native language. There are some great translators on this site, by the way! :tongue

[image link removed]

I wish I could have a holiday in Scotland this year!

08-08-2013, 05:42 PM
Granted. The Genie has prepared a tent for you on a high plateau in the Cairngorm Range.

From Wikipedia:

"The Cairngorm range consists of three plateaux, separated by deep glens that were gouged out by glaciers during the last ice age. The amount of land in this plateau area that is above 1000 meters is larger than any other location in Britain, and it is often described as a sub-arctic environment. The landscape is relatively flat and featureless, and when snow-covered can represent the ultimate challenge for a walker. Add a blizzard or nightfall, and even the ability to use a map and compass is sometimes not enough. Many walkers have died in the Cairngorms in even relatively benign conditions."

The Genie suggests that you bring a sleeping bag.


I wish I had a Ferrari.

08-08-2013, 06:15 PM
You are now the proud owner of a 32-year-old fellow named Johnny Ferrari. Johnny's not too happy with the situation, and your neighbors are starting to wonder what's up with you. In fact, local law enforcement will be paying you a visit soon because slavery is illegal and all. But in the meantime, you have your Ferrari.

I wish the moon was really made of cheese.

08-08-2013, 10:15 PM
Granted. It is made of Limburger cheese, and because of a strange abnormality in the Mare Crisium (discovered only recently), all the smell is aimed straight at your house.

I wish I could visit Andromeda.

Ona Mission
08-08-2013, 10:46 PM
Your wish is granted. But in return, you end up chained to her rock as the sea monster emerges from its icy depths.

I wish I could lose weight as fast as I did when I was younger.

08-09-2013, 08:15 AM
Granted. But the only way the Genie can accomplish this effectively is to make you younger. You are six weeks old.

I wish I could make money from my writing as easily as Andy Warhol made money from whatever it was he did.

08-09-2013, 08:33 AM
Granted. Your lithograph entitled "Money" is at the high-speed printers even as we speak. I'm not sure what these FBI agents are here for, tho.

I wish I could print money in my basement.

[This plan has previously run into a snag: no basement.]

Ona Mission
08-09-2013, 04:37 PM
Granted. You're given an HP printer and new Monopoly game. Have at it!

I wish I had more oomph to get my goals done earlier in the day.

08-10-2013, 03:06 AM
Well ... 'Different strokes for different folks' and if it is Oomph you wish, it is Oomph you will receive!:D

[image removed]

The members of this German band will provide you with the motivation you seek. Your neighbors may not appreciate the loud music and your grocery bill will undoubtedly skyrocket but such are the sacrifices we writers must make.

I wish delicious meals would magically appear on my table three times a day.

08-10-2013, 04:01 AM
Granted. All the delicious meals will be imported directly from China. Here is your first delicious meal:

http://s23.postimg.org/z3f1zd22j/INSECT_MEAL.jpg (http://postimage.org/)

I wish I could tell Congress what to do and have them follow my advice.

AW Admin
08-10-2013, 07:41 AM
Hi guys

I've removed some images that were hotlinked, that is linked to other sites like Google.

This is something we ask people not to do.

Please take a minute and read this:

FAQ: Don't Hotlink to Images and Image Size Info (http://absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?t=258870)

Thanks guys--

08-12-2013, 04:10 PM
Granted. You are given a dog named Congress. He has been trained personally by Victoria Stilwell and is therefore the world's most obedient dog. He does everything you tell him to.
I wish I had a hundred pairs of pants.

08-12-2013, 09:39 PM
Granted. They are all different and are guaranteed to fit your 100 Barbie dolls. (Want some duds for Ken, too?)

I wish I that every time I snap my fingers I could produce a $1 bill.

08-13-2013, 12:14 AM
Granted. Where did you think Monopoly money came from, anyway? BTW, you should do something about those blisters.

I wish I had one of those worthless 100 trillion dollar banknotes from Zimbabwe.

Ona Mission
08-13-2013, 06:42 AM
Granted. Chuma of Metropolitan Bank of Zimbabwe writes you a personal note asking you to please stop begging the bank for free currency. By the time the postal service manages to deliver it to your area, it's worth a ridiculous worthless amount.

I wish it wasn't so freaking cold already up here.

08-13-2013, 06:56 AM
Denied! If we have to suffer in Montana, you can suffer in Quebec, too!!

I wish the weather was always perfect.

08-14-2013, 11:03 AM
Granted. The temperature is a constant 200 degrees Fahrenheit, or 93.3 degrees Celsius, which should be perfect for you. (You did say you're from Sagitta, didn't you?)

I wish I had my own private roller coaster.

08-14-2013, 04:39 PM
A large shipment of 200 coffee coasters is on its way to your home. Genie personally tested each and every one of them and they are guaranteed to roll on a variety of surfaces.

I wish I could type more quickly!

08-14-2013, 04:42 PM
I wish I could type more quickly!


You might probably have wished for all the letters to make sense too since because

I wish I knew what that stuff on the floor is

08-15-2013, 06:40 AM
After a careful analysis of the floorboards, Genie suggests you vacate the building as soon as possible - It would seem a Chihuey or a bear or a cat or any combination thereof relieved itself or themselves repeatedly when you were out. A cleaning company skilled in mopping up toxic waste will disinfect your floors tonight.;)

I wish my hand wouldn't cramp up every time I write.

08-16-2013, 10:20 AM
Granted. It only cramps up every other time. Between cramps, you get a splitting headache.

I wish I owned a bank.

08-16-2013, 10:36 AM
Granted: You now own a piece of the riverbank along the Ganges river in India. Sadly, due to flooding, your land is about to collapse into the raging waters.

I wish my cat didn't shed so much.

ETA: Hi! It's okay if I play, right? *waves*

08-16-2013, 04:14 PM
Done! :Hug2:
The popular feline in your household no longer has any fur. Despite its rat-like appearance, it has gained a magnetic personality and your home is now occupied by a dozen long haired Persians. Unfortunately, these guests do shed! ;)

I wish my cup would magically refill with coffee every time it emptied.

08-16-2013, 04:37 PM
Granted. Your cup not only refills itself, it runneth over. Coffee spills from its brim, pours onto the floor and floods every inch of your house. But hey, you won't have to send out for coffee for a while.

I wish I could be a clown for a day.

08-16-2013, 05:37 PM
What's different about today? Nymtoc is a clown every day! Stop wishing for the redundant.

I wish my roof didn't leak.

08-16-2013, 10:18 PM
Done! Your roof is now made entirely of 100% leak-proof, radioactive material. Also, you and your whole family now glow in the dark.

I wish the stupid maintenance people would come and fix our water heater today.

08-16-2013, 10:25 PM
Granted, but because of a mixup underground, all your water now comes from your neighbors' drainpipes.

I wish we had elevator service in my building again. (We have been without an elevator for six weeks. I live on the 8th floor. This is true! :()

08-16-2013, 10:28 PM
Granted. Your elevator now works. Unfortunately, it's also haunted and no one survives the trip.

I wish I didn't have so much to do today.

Ona Mission
08-17-2013, 01:07 AM
Granted! You are now elected into the US senate but put in jail (AHAHAH!! AHHHAHHH! AHHHHHHAHAHAHAHAH!) for ten minutes when your past drug-induced orgy fascinations (and coincidental "hooker deaths") are leaked to Fox News. You now only receive a $275K per year pension and are forced to steal from random locals just to steal/sell enough Oxi to keep your b&%ches and h&es in line. But you have less to do now. Hey, I didn't make the wish. Remember this.

I wish I had some candy (actual candy...not a euphemism) here that didn't come from a van or weird person.

08-17-2013, 01:14 AM
Granted. Get your lazy butt into your kitchen and make some candy! And while you're at it, make some for me. Do you think I can grant wishes for free forever??

I wish all chocolate tasted good.

08-17-2013, 01:17 AM
Done. All chocolate tastes delicious. But you're now deathly allergic to chocolate, so none of the yummy for you!

I wish my car had a never-ending gas tank.

08-17-2013, 01:49 AM
Granted. Your car has a never-ending gas tank... just wait til next time you go to fill it. And fill it. And fill it. And... did I mention it now gets 4 gallons to the mile??

I wish my truck had new tires. All six of them. :/

Ona Mission
08-17-2013, 02:40 AM
Granted. You now have six beat up trucks that don't run but they all have one new tire.

I wish I knew where the guy who told me to get off my butt and cook lived so I could set Matthew on him to "look into" his skull. (keep up with the threads, folks :roll:)

08-17-2013, 02:45 AM
Uh, granted. Matthew wields a mean telescope. He looks far, far away into a great many skulls, but sees only a grey sludge. He reports that brains are apparently made of oatmeal.

I wish for a nice home-cooked meal, but not one involving oatmeal.

08-17-2013, 03:06 AM
Granted. One home cooked meal of liver and dog meat coming up. (You have a dog, right?)

I wish I could take a nap today and still get all my stuff done.

08-17-2013, 07:18 AM
Denied! Too late in the day to take a nap OR get anything done!

I wish for some fried onions with my home-cooked dinner.

08-17-2013, 10:18 AM
Done! I fried them with a lightning bolt. That also took out your kitchen. Oops. :D

I wish I could cook.

08-17-2013, 10:57 AM
Granted. You can boil water.

I wish I could travel anywhere in the world, stay at the best hotels and eat in the finest restaurants.

Ona Mission
08-17-2013, 06:05 PM

6 month trip to Mexico in the works for you! Fill your belly daily on heaping helpings of Criadallis...


...also known as bull testicles, one of Mexico's finest delicacies. And that's not all! Nymptoc will enjoy his stay at the wonderful tube motel.


Enjoy the lush woodland surroundings and the complimentary communal toilet as you socialize with the other 40 guests who conveniently need to relieve themselves (my other terminology wasn't user friendly...bad genie!) at the same time you do. Every time. Oh, and the woods are constantly full of giggling 11 year old girls so that won't work. Bon voyage!

I wish I can avoid this forum long enough today to get a lot of positive progress made on my current plot outline.

08-18-2013, 02:21 AM
Granted. Your computer has crashed. :D

I wish I didn't have to walk in the heat today.

Ona Mission
08-18-2013, 03:32 AM
Granted. You sprout bat wings and roller skate feet. Good luck with that.

I wish we wouldn't get snow and ice this year up here but the outcome of that wouldn't effect the polar ice caps or set the planet on fire or anything else negative that you freaks (and the genies) can imagine for me.

08-18-2013, 05:08 AM
Granted. There is a worldwide flood instead. Happy??

I wish the damned water wasn't off today!!

Ona Mission
08-18-2013, 05:24 AM
Denied since you flooded the planet when I clearly claimed that as a no-no above. Evil alien.

I wish I owned Quebec...so I could sell it to the English sector (before moving back to the states).

08-18-2013, 06:01 AM
Denied! C'est un plan diabolique! The Genie is turning this wish over to his cousin, le Génie Québécois, who will give you the punishment you deserve. :evil

I wish I had a new computer with a capacity of at least one terabyte.

08-18-2013, 08:54 PM
Granted. Allow me to introduce you to your new computer. His name is HAL 9000.

I wish I could snap my fingers and magically clean my house.

08-19-2013, 01:24 AM
Granted. You snap your fingers and magically a broom, a dustpan and a rag appear in your hands. Start cleaning.

I wish there were no selfish politicians.

08-19-2013, 01:37 AM
Granted. You now live in a dystopian anarchistic world where there are no laws, noone collects the rubbish, and there are no other public services. Also, no politicians.

I wish I were an Olympic athlete.

(And, hi!)

08-19-2013, 01:46 AM
I wish I were an Olympic athlete.

(And, hi!)

Granted you are now a member of the Antarctica synchronized swim team

I wish I could find the steering wheel of my car

08-19-2013, 04:37 AM
Granted, your gonna have to flush hard to get rid of the evidence though.

I wish I had had spoks ears

08-19-2013, 05:44 AM
The genie puzzled over this for a while, then finally decided it was a new form of piercing. Congrats, you're the first person I know with spoked ears.

I wish I had Spock's eyebrows.

08-19-2013, 03:52 PM
I wish I had Spock's eyebrows.


The transfer of body parts via this site is strictly prohibited

I wish I has some windshield vipers

08-19-2013, 03:58 PM
I wish I has some windshield vipers

Granted. Your car now has two venomous snakes attached to the windscreen. You can't see a thing through the rain and there is a good chance of a nasty bite whenever you use the car.

I wish the milkman would stop leaving the milk at the bottom of the steps to my house instead of at the front door.

08-19-2013, 04:15 PM
Granted. Your car now has two venomous snakes attached to the windscreen. You can't see a thing through the rain and there is a good chance of a nasty bite whenever you use the car.

I wish the milkman would stop leaving the milk at the bottom of the steps to my house instead of at the front door.

It's much easier to sneak in via the steps at the back door

I vish I had a snake bite kit.

08-20-2013, 08:48 AM
Granted. You also have the snakebite to go with it.

I vish der vinder viper vould come to vipe my vinders!

08-20-2013, 09:42 AM
Granted. A man has come to clean your windows. And take a copy of your house key. And make a list of all your valuables. For reasons.

I wish I could magically hang all my pictures perfectly first time.

08-20-2013, 03:39 PM
I wish I could magically hang all my pictures perfectly first time.


The vinder viper has absconded mit all of your paintings. You can't possibly mishang them.

I vish I could fence this artverk I just found

08-20-2013, 04:03 PM
Granted. Go hang the crap on your own fence. And stop asking the Genie to do things you can do yourself.

I wish people would stop me on the street and ask for my autograph.

08-20-2013, 04:13 PM
I wish people would stop me on the street and ask for my autograph.

As soon as that guy in the car with the flashing lights gets out and walks up to your vindow

I wish I had a fence

Ona Mission
08-20-2013, 05:45 PM
Congrats! You now are enclosed by a state-of-the-art electric moose fence. Just don't pee on it and you'll be fine. *Twitch* Fine, I say.

I wish I could get rid of this damn Minister of Quebec title that damn Quebec Genie cursed upon me.

08-20-2013, 06:02 PM
Denied! Le Génie Québécois is seriously displeased and refuses to grant any of your wishes ever again! However, his American cousin (this Genie) may relent if you're nice to him. ;)

I wish I had a waffle with maple syrup, strawberries and whipped cream.

08-22-2013, 06:28 PM
I wish I had a waffle with maple syrup, strawberries and whipped cream.

Granted ...
That'll $31.54 please ... did you want dessert?

I wish Quebec would get the government they deserve (oh wait ...)

08-22-2013, 06:51 PM
The genie is uncertain whether this is a really easy wish (so the genie can take the day off), or a brainless redundancy. The genie compromises by putting PorterStarrByrd in charge of Quebec's government.

I wish the U.S. government would return to being supported solely by tariffs, so it would only be as big as it deserves.

08-23-2013, 12:07 PM
Granted. There is only enough money in the Federal Treasury to support an army of two dozen soldiers and a navy of one inflatable raft. Roads must be maintained by the states or not at all. There will be no social security, no medicare, no hurricane or flood relief, and no tours of the White House. The Genie is confident you'll be happy.

I wish I had 50 pairs of sneakers, all different.

08-23-2013, 05:54 PM
Granted, tho the genie is baffled as to why you want 50 pairs of spies sneaking around. Maybe it's all the new budget supports.

I wish I was an international spy.

08-23-2013, 06:57 PM
Granted. You are an international spy, and you set off on your first exciting assignment--to North Korea. You are promptly arrested and thrown in jail, and since justice is swift in the Democratic People's Republic, you are immediately given a life sentence.

I wish I had a hundred baseball caps, all different.

08-23-2013, 09:33 PM
Granted! The genie loves baseball. As a bonus, the genie gives you 100 heads.

I wish I knew if two heads were really better than one... baked, roasted, or boiled??

08-24-2013, 05:50 AM
Granted. However, the Genie foiund your wish so disgusting that he turned it over to his friend the Genie Diabolicus, who has arranged for one of the boiled heads to be yours. :evil

I wish I knew why people believe something to be true just because they heard some idiot on TV say it was true.

08-24-2013, 06:32 PM
Granted. However, the Genie foiund your wish so disgusting that he turned it over to his friend the Genie Diabolicus, who has arranged for one of the boiled heads to be yours. :evil

I wish I knew why people believe something to be true just because they heard some idiot on TV say it was true.

Net based research has proven that everything on the web, on TV, or in the Newspaper is well researched and true.

I wish the spiders would leave

08-24-2013, 08:32 PM
Granted. All spiders everywhere vanish, leaving only notes that say "So long and thanks for all the flies." Now your house is covered in bugs. (ETA: Also, the Vogons are coming but that's not related to your wish.)

I wish I could be an extrovert, just for a day.

08-24-2013, 10:33 PM
Granted, and just to prove it's so, you take up streaking on your local main street.

I wish I hadn't seen that!

08-26-2013, 11:29 AM
Denied. If I have to suffer, so do you. :tongue

I wish I were asleep right now.

08-26-2013, 12:33 PM
Denied. If you were asleep, obviously you wouldn't be reading this.

I wish I had a yellow submarine.

08-26-2013, 03:24 PM
Granted, but we all live in it.

I wish the New York Mets would be a winning team again.

08-26-2013, 03:33 PM
Denied. The genie grants wishes, she does not perform miracles.

I wish I were not so prone to procrastinating.

08-27-2013, 03:46 AM
Granted. You are not prone, you are seated. But you still procrastinate.

I wish the repair shop would hurry up and fix my computer. I am getting tired of using this inadequate little backup.

08-28-2013, 08:57 PM
Granted. No prob. Of course, to these geek-heads a computer is really just the CPU portion, and everything else is a peripheral... so, cpu all fixed... screen, hard drive, dvd drive, sound system, and usb ports all still fubar. Damn.

I wish I owned one of those Benelli M4 shot guns.

08-29-2013, 04:10 PM
Semi-granted. The Genie Supply House does not always have the exact items requested in stock, but he knows you want your wish granted without delay, so here's a replacement that he knows will please you:

http://s23.postimg.org/3qrakryc7/blunderbuss.jpg (http://postimg.org/image/3qrakryc7/)

I wish I had a 20-room house.

08-29-2013, 05:46 PM
Granted. You have a house with 20 rooms, each 2ftx2ft and 6ft high.

I wish I had a new car.

08-30-2013, 01:55 AM

http://s9.postimg.org/g1hvgp42j/CAR_TOY_300_X215.jpg (http://postimg.org/image/g1hvgp42j/)

The Genie hopes you like the color.

I wish I had a pet kangaroo.

09-03-2013, 06:44 AM
Granted: Sadly, it's a "Killer Kangaroo" serving 20 to life for aggravated boxing activities and match fixing. You can visit it on the weekends for 2 hours at a time.

I wish I had a magical pocket knife.

09-03-2013, 08:50 AM
Granted. However, it opens itself up and starts cutting things of its own accord. It's very effective, but you never know when it's going to start slashing, which could get you in big trouble with the law.

I wish I could get my novel published and sell a million copies.

09-03-2013, 10:58 AM
Granted. Publish America has happily published your novel and sold you a million copies. You can also now only use one of the 20 rooms in your house because the rest are full of books. In a new twist, PA have made you sign a contract saying you cannot give any of the copies to anyone else.

I wish my house was not in a cloud.

09-03-2013, 05:29 PM
Granted. Your house fell to Earth and killed the Wicked Witch of the East. Her sister is out to get you.

I wish my neighbors would throw their trash only in the garbage bin.

09-12-2013, 03:29 PM
Granted. Unfortunately, they think your house is the garbage bin.

I wish for a group of oompa-loompas to amuse myself with.

09-12-2013, 04:29 PM
Granted. However, they have developed a taste for human blood ever since Willy Wonka ran out on them, and Charlie turned the factory into a slaughter house.
I wish I could read minds.

09-12-2013, 06:02 PM
Granted, but please do not tell us what you find in PorterStarrByrd's mind.

I wish for a new house.

09-12-2013, 08:24 PM
Granted. However, it’s located in Detroit and you have to find it without help.
I wish I could force myself to work out.

09-12-2013, 10:05 PM
Granted ... you finally work out how to add 5 and 5

I wish I could revive threads so easily.

09-13-2013, 01:25 AM
Granted. Here is your copy of Scientology: The Fundamentals of Thought by L. Ron Hubbard, the secret is in there.

I wish I was a rock star.

09-13-2013, 03:00 AM
Granted. You are Johnny Rotten.

I wish I had a crystal ball that really worked.

09-13-2013, 03:48 PM
Denied. Genie knows your sinister plans to aid Pinky and the Brain with their world domination scheme.

I wish I had a marshmallow as large as a house.

09-13-2013, 05:48 PM
Granted, but I'm not sure what the fire department will have to say about your plans to toast it. By the way, lacking a better place to put it, I've replaced your house with said marshmallow.

To heck with Pinky and the Brain... I wish I had a successful world domination scheme!

09-13-2013, 06:50 PM
Granted. You will now dominate the world of fruit flies.
I wish I was a rich man, da da da da deedey da da dum

09-15-2013, 03:11 AM
Granted, although as your keyboard seemed to fail at the end of your request I filled in the blanks. You will subsequently be blended into a rich juicy burger ... enjoy!

I wish this burger had relish.

09-15-2013, 04:51 AM
Granted, but relish is all there is, 'cause a mean-looking bird just swooped down and ate the rest of it.

http://s7.postimg.org/g167jynh7/VULTURE_2.jpg (http://postimage.org/)

I wish I had a ski lodge.

09-15-2013, 06:50 AM
Hmmm, granted, but next time you want a ski lodged somewhere, you should be more specific. Now stop screaming, I did the best I could!

I wish I could learn to ski and never break my bones.

09-16-2013, 03:19 PM
Granted. You now come in a boneless version of yourself. If only you could keep your form long enough to stay on those skis...

I wish I had tiny bats I could send to spy on people.

09-16-2013, 08:30 PM
Granted. But they will all speak in the Christan Bale batman voice, and you will never be able to understand what they saw.

I wish I had the ablility to control the time.

09-16-2013, 09:22 PM
Shazam!!! Holy moley! You can now control the time, bmstanford... just move the big hand on your watch forward or backward to suit.
(*rolling eyes)

I wish my cat would stop killing all the squirrels, birds, and bunnies in the back yard!

09-16-2013, 09:41 PM
Granted. You are now overrun with starlings, gophers, and starving attack bunnies. (I used to live where this was actually a problem. Don't say I didn't warn you.)

I wish for a cow.

09-16-2013, 10:09 PM
Here you go. What will you do with your new Can Of Worms?

I wish I could speak 10 or 15 languages fluently.

09-16-2013, 10:11 PM
Denied! The genie is taking the day off. Gone fishing, thanks for the worms!

I wish to catch a fish.

09-17-2013, 01:27 AM
No problem... catch this! iiinnn comiinnnng! *SPLAT!! Srry.. I guess I should have warned you it was an 80 pound tuna.
(Pretty cool sound affects though, huh?)

I wish my car had wings so I could fly over all this goofy traffic.

09-17-2013, 09:40 AM
Granted. But it looks so bizarre that the Air Force shoots it down. It crashes in a field and is totaled. You, however, escape with a scratch on your nose--the Genie needs you to keep wishing.

http://s21.postimg.org/55si0uk7r/CAR_WITH_WINGS_350x208.jpg (http://postimage.org/)

I wish I had a riverboat.

09-17-2013, 03:23 PM
Granted. You'll find your boat at the bottom of a river... which is pretty much where you would've ended up, given your skills with any type of floating device.

I wish I had cooking fairies who would cook my dinner every night.

09-17-2013, 04:37 PM
Granted. You are now eating pancakes for the rest of your life, since that is the only thing the cooking fairies know how to make. They have no interest in learning anything new.

I wish it wasn't raining.

09-17-2013, 04:40 PM
Arizona continues to have sunny days, when they really needs some rain. Thanks a lot.

I wish I smelled as good as dried fish.

09-17-2013, 04:49 PM
Granted. You now smell just like that tuna iLion threw at me. Did I mention it's been drying in the sun for two days now?? No extra charge for the flies.

I wish the (*^(*&%(&^%$ flies would stay outta my house!

09-17-2013, 08:14 PM
You got it, Reziac! Now all the flies are on your front and back porches. Multiplying. And waiting. They miss you, Reziac. But once you step out they will fix that. They love you.

I wish my dog would stop singing that goofy song over and over and over!

09-18-2013, 03:03 AM

Your dogs sing, "I'm to sexy for my fur. Meow." Over and over and over and over again. You get no sleep at all.

I wish I a magic remote that could tune in my favorite tv channels.

09-18-2013, 03:51 AM
Granted ... you are now a magic remote that tunes in your TV channels just like my remote does. Be careful how you ask in future!

I wish this new remote I got for my TV didn't have so many buttons.

09-18-2013, 05:09 AM
Granted ... but now the remote only has two buttons - volume up and power.

I wish I didn't have to write so many essays this semester.

09-18-2013, 05:51 AM
Granted. You flunk out. Well, no more essay-writing!

I wish Krissy would get an A on all those essays.

09-18-2013, 06:27 AM
Granted! I get all As but they were for the wrong classes.

I wish it could be summer again.

09-18-2013, 03:43 PM
Granted. Genie moves you right to the equator. See, nice and hot all year round. Oh look, those flies Reziac was complaining about moved with you... they must like it warm too.

I wish I had a talking goat.

09-18-2013, 04:02 PM
Yersterday was a holiday and I'm all out of goats. Will a Chihuahua do ... they smell about the same.

I wish I knew why I am a superhero.

09-18-2013, 05:55 PM
Granted. If you would take your medication, you would no longer believe you can fly. The nice young men in their clean white coats will shortly be along to adjust the restraints.

I wish I owned a set of Ralph's red jammies. With the manual.

09-18-2013, 09:06 PM
You got it, Reziac!! This is your lucky day. You got those super cool jammies now (sorry the butt is worn totally off, but the previous owner had troubles landing).

Oh!! Almost forgot the manual you wanted, too. Hmm..let's see. Sure! Here it is... this year's complete Sears Electric-corded Lawn Mower manual. Enjoy.

I wish every room in my house was connected to the compuer so I could turn things on with a mere vocal command.

09-19-2013, 01:45 AM
Granted, lions don't talk though.

I wish my lion could type too!

09-19-2013, 02:50 AM
Granted! And here's your lion's first effort:

Dear mom: You were right. Defos was delicious.

I wish the coyotes would go sing for someone else.

09-20-2013, 04:00 PM
Granted if you follow the following steps:
1. Go outside.
2. Sing using your best Christian Bale batman voice.
3. Watch those coyotes scatter.
They won't come back again. Ever.

I wish I had an infinite amount of memory on my pc.

09-20-2013, 04:07 PM
Granted if you follow the following steps:
1. Go outside.
2. Sing using your best Christian Bale batman voice.
3. Watch those coyotes scatter.
They won't come back again. Ever.

I wish I had an infinite amount of memory on my pc.

1. You are incapable of using that much memory and there are starving children in China who need it more than you do
2. You are not fooling me by telling me you have a computer
3. Coyotes do not like you and never will

I wish I was winning a lot of money in a casino or at least enjoying those 'free' drinks

09-21-2013, 02:35 AM
Granted, you win a million-gazilion dollars; but apparently casino security finds you've been cheating and counting cards with a computer you stole from Me-A-MonsterR.

You find that the prison guards give you all the water you can drink, for free, as your sweating in the rock piles of Yuma Prison.

I wish I could hang out with the Royal family more than I do.

09-21-2013, 06:58 AM
Granted, King Ungumbajungo now lets you hang out with his 2 single grannies (husbands eaten last winter ... it was a bad one).

I wish I didn't have to put my toilet paper in the fridge after tonight's meal.

09-23-2013, 03:55 PM
Denied. The camera crew meant to film your meal and the secret weirdness you've got going with toilet paper (God, there really is a fetish for everything), is already paid.

I wish I could wash away those mental images of Defos and his toilet paper.

09-23-2013, 06:00 PM
I am sending you a roll of toilet paper to wipe them off with.

I wish the water wasn't yellow.

09-25-2013, 01:13 AM
Granted, your water will no longer run, it has been filtered down from the local indian reserve, it's now brave water.

I wish moose was chocolaty.

09-25-2013, 03:32 PM
Pending. Genie suspects you mean to eat Porter who is, in fact, a moose. Not sure if Genie can support such an idea... ah, what the hell. Granted.

I wish there was a plant on the planet that didn't die in my care.

09-25-2013, 03:37 PM
A Cement plant is now being built in your back yard

I wish There were no colors other than the primary ones. (did you ever have anyone ask you to find them a mauve rug to match their mauve curtains?)

09-25-2013, 03:49 PM
Granted. Mauve is now a primary colour. In fact, it is the only colour. Oh wait... did Genie mix that up... oh well :Shrug:

I wish I had a pet that could do whatever I wanted it to do.

09-25-2013, 03:53 PM
Granted. We'll send you Robo-Dog 3000. He can do 5000 amazing things . . . including devouring an entire mailman.

I wish getting things done was as easy as making the to-do list.

09-25-2013, 03:58 PM

I wish getting things done was as easy as making the to-do list.

You now compose all of your to-to lists in soap bubbles on the surface of a raging river.

I wish my house wasn't condemned.

09-25-2013, 04:02 PM
Granted. Just ignore the fact that the place is falling apart around you.

I wish I could remember to write down notes of things to remember.

09-25-2013, 04:44 PM
I wish I could remember to write down notes of things to remember.

You really don't want to remember those things, nor have evidence that close at hand.

I wish the rocks were over there.

09-26-2013, 03:03 AM
Denied, there are already other rocks over there so you don't need to move them.

I wish to download the Ultimate Trolling Tutorial from the matrix.

09-26-2013, 03:40 PM
Denied. Sadly, you are not the one. But you're more than welcome to try the little red pill anyway.

I wish I could have a house made of chocolate.

09-26-2013, 09:51 PM
*nom, nom ... Denied *shlurp*

I wish I could think of something other that food to type about here.

09-26-2013, 10:01 PM
Denied! didn't we already decide that Defos is lion food? How can you stop thinking about food when you ARE food?!

I wish winter was over already!

09-27-2013, 03:53 PM
Granted. You've just sped up the process of global warming.

I wish I could accurately predict the weather.

09-27-2013, 04:10 PM
I wish I could accurately predict the weather.

The genies is sending you the same model dart board used by most of the more reliable weather services. Accuracy will be up to your commitment to practice. Also sending you a global warming meter as a bonus .. but if you order now ...

I wish I had chosen a different route to the ice cream parlor.

09-27-2013, 08:59 PM
Granted. But it takes you through the Land of the Ughrabughras, the Fiery Pit, the Vale of the Devouring Binnaglopparhagri and the Asteroid Storm before you get to the Ice Cream Parlor, by which time you have lost your appetite.

I wish I had could come up with an idea where I could sit back and relax, sip a Margarita, hit a few computer keys and make a million dollars.

09-27-2013, 09:43 PM
Granted! Dear sir: I am a Nigerian prince...

I wish for a movie about Porter's route to the ice cream parlour.

09-29-2013, 01:17 AM
Granted, but you've gone blind, and it's a silent film.

I wish I had the perfect snack.

09-29-2013, 02:46 AM
Granted. A carload of Twinkies has just been delivered to your door.

I wish I had an umbrella that would never break in any wind.

09-29-2013, 06:40 AM
Granted! Your new Mach One Umbrella will hold up even under hurricane force winds. Unfortunately, it has one little problem (this is what happens when Genie is forced to compromise because of an extreme requirement) ... it leaks.

I wish I had a cold beer. (See? I'm easy to please, at least today.)

09-29-2013, 11:32 PM
Granted, It's gone flat.

I wish I hadn't almost killed myself in the shower today.

09-30-2013, 07:31 AM
Hmm, well, okay... granted, you fall down the stairs instead. Even genie has to follow the law of conservation of momentum!

I wish I knew why I prefer flat beer. (Thanks, Genie!)

09-30-2013, 08:32 PM
Granted, it's because big ol' Miss Ramera used to lie on you as a kid granting a fascination for all things flat.

I wish I knew how to scrape this flat cat off my porch.

10-01-2013, 03:41 PM
Granted. Genie's sending Miss Ramera to your house. If she knows how to flatten it, she'll know how to scrape it off.

I wish touch screens weren't my enemy.

10-01-2013, 04:08 PM
But don't look over your shoulder or you'll see how many other followers you have who should have been a little higher on your list than touch screens.

I wish I had a couple sets of automatic pasta builders?

10-02-2013, 03:24 PM
Granted. But you now have to live off pasta and ONLY pasta for the rest of your life, since you're also now magically allergic to all other foods.

I wish I had a miniature cat that could fit in my palm.

10-04-2013, 05:51 PM
Granted: It's made of ice, and by the time you finish reading this sentence it will have melted.

I wish I had more self-discipline.

10-04-2013, 06:18 PM
I wish I had more self-discipline.

Genie does not foster aberrant behavior.

I wish my sourdough starter smelled better, looked healthier.

10-04-2013, 06:49 PM
Granted. It is now beer.

Hey! about that cold beer I wished for...

10-04-2013, 07:11 PM

That must have been on my day off ... I'll check the records. Can't chance one you guys trying to sneak a second beer.

I wish I had a Bluefin tuna

10-04-2013, 07:39 PM
Granted. I'll even throw in a can opener!

I wish I had a nice tuna fish sandwich for breakfast.

jaus tail
10-05-2013, 08:36 PM
granted..the tune fish was caught from a radioactive river. you soon grow gills, glowing scales on your arms and humongous lips

i wish i could do a headstand, summersault and walk on my hands with by body inverted, legs pointing towards the roof

10-05-2013, 09:58 PM
Granted: You are henceforth a spider walking across the ceiling.

I wish I had a flying dog.

10-05-2013, 10:20 PM
One Flying Chihuahua on its way from Juarez. You'll have to snag it down in a butterfly net. Be careful, it is a little shook up and hasn't had any shots. Oh, and he's not house trained. You'll have to get an aerial Pooper Scooper and floating puppy mats--ss

I wish Fall would back off for another two months--s6

10-07-2013, 05:39 AM
Granted. You get treated to another two months of sweltering temperatures and high humidity.
I wish the local coffee shops offered sugar free cappucinos.

10-07-2013, 08:14 PM
Granted, but because they are a "Specialty Drink" you have to pay 2 dollars extra for the privilege and sign a 2 year contract. It pays to be healthy. :)

I wish I were a highway man, for story research of course.

10-07-2013, 09:45 PM
Granted. You are a highway man. You are employed by the state to stand at the side of the highway with a sign reading "PIG CROSSING AHEAD." You are paid $2 an hour.

I wish I could give members of Congress the fate they so richly deserve.

10-07-2013, 10:22 PM
Granted Nymmie. I'll drive you there. I figure we'll just join the no longer silent majority, pull the Fux News feed and tel them what it is like to be on the receiving end of public disgust!

I wish that every member of Congress was forced to work a minimum wage job with no health insurance. Not as a politician but at something that requires real WORK.

10-07-2013, 10:26 PM
I wish I could give members of Congress the fate they so richly deserve.

I have given enough to congress already this year.

I wish Politics would become a vocation for honest men, who would remain honest after they got elected.

10-08-2013, 01:41 AM
Denied. I am sure we have already discussed how the genie grants wishes rather than performing miracles.

I wish I wasn't so tired.

10-08-2013, 02:24 AM
Granted: You've been made a furloughed federal employee. You now have a week off at sunny no-work paradise. Enjoy the down time my friend. :)

I wish Nymtoc wasn't so jealous of me.

10-08-2013, 04:47 PM
Granted ... that was an easy wish :p

I wish I had a can opener for this armadillo packed lunch she gave me.

10-08-2013, 04:55 PM
I wish I had a can opener for this armadillo packed lunch she gave me.

No need to fool around with this wish. Just slap it between two slices of bread and eat it as is

I wish the peanut butter and jelly was on the inside of my sammich

10-08-2013, 09:37 PM
Postponed till the Genie can figure out what the wisher wants. The word "sammich" does not appear in the Grand Cosmic Universal Unabridged Dictionary--Genies, Wizards and Mages Edition.

I wish Porter Starr Byrd would get himself a dictionary.

10-09-2013, 01:35 AM
Granted: He receives promptly in the mail, 1 three inch thick dictionary. As a nice gesture, he loans it to Nymtoc who uses it to stand on; enabling him to now see over the counter at Starbucks when ordering.

I wish I had a nickel for everytime I got a penny. I'd be rich.

10-09-2013, 02:32 PM
Denied, should have read 'every time I spend a penny'.

I wish dog meat tasted as good as it smells.

10-09-2013, 03:27 PM
Granted. You can no longer smell or taste anything, so now you can eat whatever you want, no matter how foul it is. Congratulations!

I wish there was a mid-week break on Wednesdays.

10-09-2013, 08:05 PM
Granted. There is a midweek break on Wednesdays, and your pay is cut proportionately.

I wish workmen weren't coming tomorrow morning to tear up the bathroom floor. :(

10-09-2013, 08:20 PM
It is "bring your daughter to work week" and the nice young ladies will do the job.

I wish I had more confidence in that fortune teller

10-12-2013, 07:14 PM
Granted. As far as Genie can tell, your fortune won't be going down the drain. Make haste, forward funds to: Financial G.

I wish my uncle's record collection were mine.

10-12-2013, 08:20 PM
Granted. He has tax records of all the counties in the UK from 1889 to the present. They are on their way to your house now.

I wish I had a motorcycle.

10-14-2013, 08:57 AM
Granted. Apparently you were caught on video tape in New York stunting out on that new motorcycle....and a clandestine black SUV. Rumor has it yor were an undercover police were-toc when you headbutted that tail-light and got video'd. Yeah, good luck with that internal investigation. Toc-power animate! Form of a motorcyle, shape of a helmet. Activate!

I wish my cats would stop sniffing my toes and then opening their mouths like....you know...like...OMG, what is that I smell? What is up with them?

11-02-2013, 05:35 AM
Granted. They now ignore you and refuse to have anything to do with you.
I wish the bed would make itself up.

jaus tail
11-02-2013, 05:58 AM
Granted. The bed has an angry personality. Try to disturb him and he'll give you the crocodile roll.

I wish I could dance.

11-02-2013, 04:14 PM
Granted. A pair of tap-dancing shoes are magicked into your closet. When you put them on, you make Fred Astaire look like a flunky. Sadly, you can't stop dancing, and the shoes won't come off. Now your one dream is an all-consuming nightmare.

I wish I had been accepted into an elite space academy.

11-02-2013, 04:41 PM
Pending. Just send Genie a summary of your drug-abusing past, and you may or may not be accepted into the Space Cadet Academy.

I wish the phrase 'There's a sucker born every minute' has no truth to it.

11-02-2013, 09:49 PM
Granted. The correct phrase is "There are ten suckers born every minute."

I wish I were a falconer.

11-02-2013, 10:05 PM
Granted. You've been turned into this one (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Falconer_%28sculpture%29) (can't be more than a mile or two from your former home?), and I hope the resulting immobility isn't too unpleasant for you.

I wish I had more energy.

11-03-2013, 04:51 AM
Granted! You are now radioactive.

I wish I could see in the dark.

11-03-2013, 02:52 PM
Granted. You're now a tomcat. Genie picked Rez as your first name. Welcome!

I wish my grandma's Zimmer frame came with an engine.

11-03-2013, 05:15 PM
Granted! Your grandma's Zimmer frame now sports a 400 horsepower racing engine. Hope grandma can keep up. On the plus side, she can now outrun you.

I wish I could run that fast!

[Oh no... now I'm a cheetah!]

jaus tail
11-03-2013, 06:40 PM
Granted you have the legs of a horse.

I wish i could put on some weight and get muscular like tarzan.

11-03-2013, 07:07 PM
Granted. You are now a horse.

I wish I had some honey-roasted peanuts.

11-03-2013, 07:13 PM
Granted ..

but the latest batch is a little burnt dark because genie was drunk a little busy when they were made.

I wish the clock had moved two hours back after last night's binge party

11-04-2013, 12:09 PM
Granted, but please enlighten Genie: Does this really alleviate your hangover?

I wish I could take it with a smile when people call me a 'useless commie'.

11-04-2013, 03:09 PM
Granted. The Genie is sending you this mask, which will give you an all-purpose smile. (He hopes it doesn't get you into more trouble.)

http://s12.postimg.org/h6lrd3dw9/ANONYMOUS_MASK_1.jpg (http://postimage.org/)

I wish the US Congress would become functional.

jaus tail
11-04-2013, 07:28 PM
Granted, your out of US and a citizen of another country now, one which has a functional government.

I wish i could do karate kicks.

11-04-2013, 07:39 PM
Granted, you do karate kicks. One kick, two kicks. The casts will come off in about six weeks.

I wish I could find the leak in the propane line! :(

11-04-2013, 07:40 PM
Granted. A holeless hose is on its way.

I wish my golden gilded birdcage will fetch a good price at auction.

11-04-2013, 08:00 PM
Granted. You're now so rich a gold digging hussy is plotting to marry you.

I wish I couldn't get caught for my new husband's murder.

11-05-2013, 11:07 PM
Granted. You're not caught for your husband's murder, but you do get a life sentence for killing his girlfriend. (Your new address is Prisoner #282596381673389, British Prisons, C/O SMCA, Cobham Court, Haslemere Avenue, Mitcham, CR4 3PR.)

I wish I could see into the future and make money at it.

jaus tail
11-06-2013, 06:20 AM
Granted but you once said a lady to kill herself cause she has no future, and the cops jailed you.

I wish i could work out every evening.

11-06-2013, 02:12 PM
Granted. A cheque is on its way.

I wish there was an International Watchdog Agency for prosecuting foul language usage.

11-06-2013, 02:25 PM
Granted. You are put in charge of it and given a huge salary, but on your first day you get your fingers caught in the fax machine and yell, "'G*%&$#[email protected](*&%#_^*&&*!!!" and are fired.

I wish I had a money tree.

jaus tail
11-06-2013, 02:29 PM
Granted but the tree feeds on human blood instead of water, so make sure you're ready with a steady supply of volunteering humans.

I wish i could do samba.

11-06-2013, 11:26 PM
Granted--but only if Samba agrees.

I wish I could win a prize.

11-06-2013, 11:54 PM
Wow, Nym!! What good fortune!! You just won THE coveted first annual conference of the South Houston International Texas Association of Septic Tank Cleaners award... the SHITASS DooDoo award, and it includes a trip to So. Houston to show all the new hires how it's done! Congrats.

I wish I could stop time and space, but still be able to move around and do things till I let it start up again!

11-07-2013, 01:30 AM
Granted. But--dang!--there are always glitches in these spacey-timey wishes. You have stopped time and space, but when it comes to starting things up again...it looks like you'll just have to float around awhile...will a millenium be OK?

I wish my name would appear on the Hottest Celebrities List.

jaus tail
11-07-2013, 04:03 AM
Granted, get ready to be chased by the paparazzi

i wish i could drive a giant monster truck over the cars in my city and get rid of the traffic once and for all.

11-09-2013, 05:09 PM
Granted. Your monster truck gets rid of all the traffic, including the vehicles bringing food into your city. Beware of the starving people hunting you.
I wish I knew all the consequences of changing history.

11-09-2013, 11:07 PM
Granted. You know all the consequences, and this knowledge is so traumatic that you end up in the psych ward. With luck, you'll be out by the end of the year.

I wish I had a talking dog.

11-11-2013, 03:03 AM
Granted. But he just said he wants a new owner.

I wish I had a better body.

11-11-2013, 03:12 AM
Granted! There's a beautiful corpse on your front lawn. I'm not sure what the neighbors think, but it's all yours!

I wish I knew whose corpse that is.

(It sure ain't me! I need a better body too!)

11-11-2013, 07:35 AM
Granted. It's the corpse of your annoying neighbor, the one you were fighting with when you were overhead saying, "I'm gonna kill you!" The police are on their way.

I wish I could have met Cleopatra.

11-11-2013, 08:04 AM
Granted. You are Mark Antony (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mark_Antony#Death).
-- Waitaminnut, whose corpse did we agree this was??

I wish Rome had not fallen.

11-11-2013, 08:10 AM
Granted. You are now a centurion tasked with rounding up all the Christians in your neighborhood for this weekend's lion feeding.\

I wish reality TV was actually real.

11-11-2013, 12:58 PM
Granted. Reality TV now really is f***ing real. On the flipside, you seem more unreal than ever.

I wish I could afford a subscription to the Worcester & Hereford Evening Gazette.

11-11-2013, 04:14 PM
Granted. You can now afford a copy by being employed as the delivery-man each day it's published - don't be too alarmed, the delivery-round takes only 7 hours, and that's including the newsagents who sell it.

I wish I could see the "Northern Lights" and a total eclipse in person, rather than just in photos.

11-11-2013, 04:32 PM
You now own a house rather far north in seldom visited parts of the Arctic. Every time you hit the switch for a bout two months in the winter you will see the northern lights. The rest of the time then it'll be a lot like a total eclipse.

I wish I knew what that brown stuff was.

11-11-2013, 11:55 PM
Granted. It's Cadbury chocolate.

I wish I owned an island.

11-12-2013, 12:49 AM
Granted. But it's one of those "ile flottante" recipe ones consisting of meringue floating on crème anglaise (a vanilla custard), so it isn't the most habitable place in the world, besides which you have only a few minutes left to eat it all.

I wish I had some vanilla custard ...

11-12-2013, 03:45 PM
Granted. Fear no more! The CEO of Bird's Custard will get in touch with you shortly.

I wish I could start all over again.

11-12-2013, 03:53 PM
Granted, but the earlier version of yourself is notably litigous and will undoubtedly sue for breach of copyright. Which side of that case do you want to support?

I wish "techie things" were easier to understand.

11-12-2013, 05:55 PM
Granted. You now live in the Stone Age, and the most complicated tech you need understand is the physics of being hit with a pointed rock. I hope this satisfies your requirements.

I wish this computer was faster than an abacus.

11-12-2013, 06:03 PM
I wish this computer was faster than an abacus.

It is the fastest adding machine in the world now, but can't do anything else

I wish I had a green fox

11-14-2013, 12:08 AM
Okay, Porter, you got it. Or should I say "her"? She's a total fox, but about as green as they come. Should be fun anyway, right?

I wish my boss would give me a raise at five times my usual pay.

11-14-2013, 12:55 AM
Granted. You now earn $25 a week. (You're not one of those lefty/socialist/commies who believes in a minimum wage, are you?)

I wish my gadgets wouldn't keep breaking down.

11-14-2013, 09:22 PM
Granted, Nym. Simple programming change.
All your gadgets will only break down once now. Yep, once beyond repair, so that they can't keep doing that.

I wish I had a small personal helicopter like shown in old Dick Tracy cartoons.

11-15-2013, 07:29 AM
Granted. But despite being old, that helicopter is based on top secret plans. Edward Snowden took the plans with him to Russia, and as soon as the Feds found out, they named you as co-conspiritor and put out an all-points bulletin, telling agents to shoot you on sight.

Have a nice flight.

I wish I had a 10x10-foot* garden where I could grow all my own food.

*I live in the city and have very limited space.

jaus tail
11-15-2013, 12:06 PM
Granted, you now live in the amazon forest.

i wish i could do horseback riding every weekend